Chapter Text
On an ordinary early summer's day in downtown Danville, Perry the Platypus was staking out behind a mailbox. He was situated directly across from an nondescript cafe, but the target of his surveillance was to its left, a retail photography store called Schnell Foto.
Despite its name, the process of getting one's picture taken didn't seem to be quick at all. He had been waiting for a good twenty minutes at least, shooting quick peeks around the sides of the mailbox and hiding himself again. He'd lost count of how many times he had done this and his apprehension was growing by the minute. It was difficult to see inside the store; the only objects that were really visible were the shadowed shapes of various equipment. Cars and bikes passed, and thankfully no one seemed to take notice of him.
A school bus drove by and the door to the store finally opened. Out stepped a man that matched the description that Major Monogram had given him. A white lab coat and dark grey slacks adorned his tall yet slouched frame and his hair was sticking up all over the place, and he was smiling as he looked down at the newly-developed photo in his hand.
So this was him, the guy Perry was meant to engage in daily battle with for the foreseeable future. He turned away, still concealed by the mailbox, and squinted. The man didn't seem to look particularly evil, but then again, evil came in all shapes and sizes and he shouldn't judge a book by its cover.
He snuck another quick glance at him, but the man stopped in his tracks. Perry's heart gave a lurch; he had thought he'd hidden himself away in time, but the man looked over in his direction, the smile on his face turning to surprise.
"Hellooo? Is someone there?"
Yep, he had definitely seen him. So much for his stealthy secret agent skills. He tried to make himself imperceptible again, but he could hear the thumping of the man's large shoes against the asphalt of the road as he walked over.
The man poked his head over the mailbox and he jumped.
"What's this? Some sort of duck with a hat?"
It wasn't the first time he'd been called a different animal than he was, and it probably wouldn't be the last. That was the drawback of being an unusual species. He reached to grab a business card and handed it to him.
"Organization Without a Cool Acronym, agent Perry the Platypus - oh, I know you!" The man's face lit up. "Yes, they sent me an email, last week or so. You're my new nemesis, aren't you?"
He supposed he was. He nodded.
"Well, very nice to meet you, Perry the Platypus." The man reached over to offer him his hand, but he leaned too far and tumbled ungracefully over the mailbox. "Ow. I should say very painful to meet you. Is this what it's going to be like every day?"
He shrugged. Probably.
"Anyway..." With some effort, the man stood up, dusting himself off. "Oh, good thing my picture wasn't damaged. Do you like it?"
The picture was of him, his chin resting on laced fingers, with a grin that took up his whole face and a tropical background that was nowhere close to Danville. "I think it's excellent. It's much better than the picture I had before. You don't even want to know about that one. I'm going to use it for all my identification - except for my driver's license, urghhh, not dealing with that any time soon. You'll be seeing a lot more of my handsome face." He gave a dejected sort of chuckle. "As if. I haven't even introduced myself, have I? Where are my manners? I'm Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, evil scientist, future ruler of the Tri-State Area, and, well, your new nemesis, I guess. And you're Perry the... Platypus, really? Aren't platypuses supposed to be brown? What's with the teal?"
He shrugged.
"You don't talk much, do you?"
He shrugged.
"Is that a secret agent thing, or just an animal thing?"
For a second he debated just keeping totally silent and never making a single sound around him, but that was bound to get old. He chittered at him instead.
Doofenshmirtz raised his eyebrows. "That's a funny sound. Is that seriously how you talk?"
He replied with another chitter.
"I've got a lot to learn about platypuses, I suppose. Or is it platypi? Do you know?"
Tired of chittering, he just glared at him.
"What? You don't know? Or do you just not want to answer?"
The glare continued.
"Well, I'll have to find out for myself, then, since you're no help." He began walking away, then stopped to gesture at Perry to follow him. "Come on, I'll show you where I live, since you'll be there so often anyway."
So far this was a very strange encounter with his new nemesis. He was almost being nice to him, which he hadn't expected at all - of course, he didn't know what he had expected in the first place. Not this, though. He might as well go after him, though, since he was right: he would be seeing an awful lot of him in the future.
As they walked down the sidewalk, Doofenshmirtz continued to talk with him, or rather at him, since it was a purely one-sided conversation.
"I know what you're thinking. You're probably wondering, how did I know that you're my new nemesis? And how did I recognize your name? It's Perry the Platypus, by the way," he added, as if Perry weren't already aware. "Well, it's easy. I woke up one morning, a few days ago, and there I was, stumbling into my living room like I do every day, and I turned on my computer to check my email. Usually there isn't anything important, mostly junk about how I need to increase the size of my biceps or how I should travel to Timbuktu or that I'm being given a million dollars from some unknown benefactor who lives halfway across the world, you know, normal stuff. But there, amidst all that electronic detritus was an email from the O.W.C.A., your superiors, I'm assuming. At first I thought it was another scam, you know, because it was in the junk folder, but then I remembered I had applied for a nemesis, because how can I do any evil without a nemesis? It took them way too long to get back to me, though, which is why I forgot about it. You should talk to your organization about that, they really need to rework their methodology. Anyway, I read the email, it said, 'Congratulations Heinz Doofenshmirtz, your matchmaking process has been completed -' matchmaking, really, what is this, a dating service? '- and you have been assigned to Agent Perry the Platypus.' I wasn't sure what to expect, really, like would you be an actual platypus or just some guy who likes to dress up in a platypus costume? But it's the first one, you're an actual platypus. I think. I still don't know why you're teal. Ah, here we are at my building."
Perry tilted his head up, and up some more. This had to be the tallest building in Danville. The entire thing was painted a soft purple, and most of it towered straight up except for the top third, which appeared to abruptly stick out in different directions. Directly in front of them was a revolving door and an exceedingly large sign proclaiming that this was Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.
"Do you like the sign? There’s a matching one wayyy up higher." He pointed up towards the heavens. "You can’t see it now, but you will. You can’t miss it. I wanted everyone to know whose building this is, to spread my evil brand and let everyone get used to seeing my name before I take over and enslave them. Don’t ask about the incorporated part. Let’s just say it’s for evil reasons and leave it at that." He started towards the revolving door. "Come with me, I’ll give you the full tour."
After a moment of hesitation, Perry walked forward. Might as well.
After a long elevator ride up to the penthouse, the both of them walked down a hallway lined with various unmarked doors. Doofenshmirtz stopped in front of one with his name plastered on the top of the door, and he reached into the pocket of his lab coat to fumble for his keys.
"And here we are." They stepped in to a room with green walls, an armchair in front of a window, a lamp and shaggy rug that looked like they were straight out of the 1970s, and all manners of trinkets, ornaments, tchotchkes, bric-a-brac, and assorted furniture decorating the remaining space. There was even a leafy blue plant.
Perry glanced around the room, still bemused by all the details of the situation he'd suddenly found himself in. Did OWCA really have to assign him to the weirdest evil scientist?
Doofenshmirtz barely gave their surroundings any attention as they crossed the room. "Yes, I'm sure you'll be seeing a lot of this room too. Even though you really shouldn't, I mean, are you going to sit and watch TV with me? I don't think so. Do you even watch TV?"
He shrugged.
"Oh, I forgot, you don't talk. Well, anyway, this isn't where I want to show you." He opened the door to another hallway, also lined with doors. How big was this place? "Here we are. This is my evil lab."
This was more like it. A large area filled with all manners of ray guns, gadgetry, machinery, contraptions, weaponry, and the like, most of them glowing an eerie green against the backdrop of purple brick walls. It was straight out of a science fiction cartoon. Perry could easily envision a great number of battles ensuing here - there was so much to work with, so many ways to utilize the combat training he had mastered at the agency.
"Not bad, huh? I bet you've never been in the presence of such evil genius before. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get used to it." Doofenshmirtz giggled to himself. "I've got to say, I've really outdone myself with this place. There's no way I won't take over the Tri-State Area with all of this at my disposal. All in good time, though. Or should I say, all in bad time, heheh."
Perry narrowed his eyes. Not if he had anything to say about it.
Doofenshmirtz stopped, his smile fading to shoot a glare back at him. "You're rude, you know that? Sheesh, I haven't even done anything and you're already judging me with your staring. Is that all you do? Stare at people with your judgment? You think you're so much better than me, huh, with your secret agent training at the AWKU or OHMS or NCRA or whatever it is? Well, I'll have you know I'm not too shabby at fighting myself." He held up his hands in fists and settled into a fighting stance. "Come on, we'll see how good your agency is at matchmaking."
So this was it, their first official nemesis altercation. Perry was beyond ready. He mirrored the stance, his arms, legs, and tail poised for attack, and glared at him with all the hatred he could muster. He held his palm out and beckoned at him to come closer. Bring it on.
They lunged at each other. Doofenshmirtz grabbed at him and missed, but Perry managed to land a heavy punch on his jaw. He skidded backwards and quickly stabilized himself. Doofenshmirtz fell back on the ground and reached up to rub his jaw. Perry leaned back and bent his knees just slightly, and then he ran up to him, building up just enough speed to jump high in the air and deliver a forceful sidekick directly into his solar plexus. Doofenshmirtz wheezed as Perry bounced back to the ground, steadying himself with one arm, but he barely had time to rest before Doofenshmirtz pounced at him again, pinning him to the floor.
Perry narrowed his eyes and chittered angrily at him. He kicked his leg up and knocked Doofenshmirtz over so their positions were switched. He punched him in the face again, just because he could, and stood up on top of his chest to glare down at him.
Doofenshmirtz, although appearing winded and covered with quickly-forming bruises, looked exhilarated. "Wow, you are good. I guess they did teach you a little something at your agency." He threw Perry off him and stood up. "Don't think you've won yet, though."
He bolted off across the lab, presumably to retrieve one of his many evil devices, and Perry wasted no time chasing after him. The larger computerized machinery was all on a raised level around the perimeter of the lab, and Perry jumped up, swung himself over a railing, and threw himself at Doofenshmirtz before he could reach the edge. They fell to the floor again. Doofenshmirtz held him at arm's length and Perry wriggled around, struggling until he was able to break the hold enough to kick him in the jaw, on the opposite side of where he had punched him. He did a spin as he landed on his feet and resumed his fighting stance.
This was almost too easy. He had to admit he was having fun too, though, even if he tried his best not to show it. He definitely would be putting his agency training to good use - if this were to become a regular thing, that is. Hopefully he wouldn't get reassigned any time soon, but in his line of work you never knew. He could see himself coming here daily, beating up this guy and leaving in time to enjoy the summer afternoon, stopping the forces of evil one day at a time -
He was caught off guard by Doofenshmirtz jumping to attack him again, pushing him to the ground and holding his wrists down, leaning over him with a particularly nefarious grin on his face.
"Ha ha, I've got you now."
Somehow, buried underneath layers of adrenaline, energized focus, and animosity, Perry felt an unfamiliar sort of warmth in his chest, a woozy sort of feeling that was entirely at odds with their present situation. He froze for a moment, staring up at Doofenshmirtz, then blinked and squashed whatever that was down. This was no time and place for any sort of emotion, other than perhaps targeted rage.
He shouldn't be getting distracted like this; he could easily win this, and quickly. He sent up his foot to collide with Doofenshmirtz's face again, causing him to topple over. Standing on top of him again, he gave him his most formidable glare and held up his fists, ready for another round of punches.
"Okay, okay," said Doofenshmirtz, sitting up. Perry hopped off him. "You win. Just this time, though. I'll let you off easy since it's your first day and all."
Perry rolled his eyes. He'd take the victory, though.
Doofenshmirtz rubbed his jaw again as he stood up. "Man, you're aggressive. Do you always beat up people like this?"
He nodded.
"Yeah, well, I suppose it's in the job description. Hey, if you come back tomorrow I'll have a real evil scheme for you. It'll blow your socks off, or it would if you wore socks, which I don't think you do. Regardless, you won't want to miss it." He stopped to look at him. "You are coming back, aren't you?"
Perry shrugged and gave him a thumbs-up. It wasn't like he had much of a choice. Abandoning his orders and neglecting the nemesis he had just been assigned would be unthinkable. What would Major Monogram think? Besides, he couldn't just let this guy take over the Tri-State Area, even though the chances of that happening were strikingly low.
"Alright. Excellent. You know, you didn't exactly see me at my best here. I didn't get to show you anything. Don't get the wrong idea, I can be much more evil than this. You haven't even seen my inators yet! Just you wait, Perry the Platypus, you won't regret this."
He hoped not. Only time would tell how this would work out. For now, though, he was plenty done for the day. He tipped his fedora to Doofenshmirtz and headed out.
He wasn't sure what to think of him yet. Doofenshmirtz certainly seemed more interesting than any of the one-off villains he had previously fought, which was good because if this was going to be a long-term nemesisship, he didn't want to get bored. He was so strange, though. Pretty terrible at fighting, too, although there was definitely potential there. Their battle, although short and on the easier side, had been enjoyable enough. He had to work on keeping undivided focus, though. Usually he was pretty good at that, but somehow he'd had a moment of distraction that could have cost him the fight. Hopefully that wouldn't happen again.
For now, though, all he had to focus on was getting back to his family and maybe catching up on some sleep until dinner, when he could overhear them discuss what adventures they'd had that day. Maybe it was a good thing he couldn't do the same for them; he didn't even know how he could begin to explain what he had just gone through. First he would have to inform them of his sapience, then about the agency, then about the ever-present battle between good and evil... Maybe someday. Not today, though. He had definitely had enough excitement for today.