Work Text:
[Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov sit on director’s chairs in a white sound studio. They are both wearing Ottawa Centaurs jerseys, and Ilya smiles warmly at Shane as a makeup artist places a small bit of powder across his cheeks while a producer hands them both a practice board.]
Shane: So, these are just internet searches people do of us?
Producer: Yes! The most popular ones, and you just answer or comment on them. There’s one board for you, one for Ilya, and then one of the two of you combined.
Shane: Sounds harmless enough.
Ilya: You do not spend much time on the internet if you think this sounds harmless.
Producer: Would you like to practice taking the tape off?
[They both nod, and she hands each of them a board. Shane politely and carefully rips off the top piece of tape, focusing on pulling it straight off without ripping it. During the time it takes Shane to take off one piece, Ilya rips off four, crumpling up the tape and throwing it in the air like confetti. A piece hits Shane’s head, and he looks at his husband, slightly startled, while Ilya beams back happily.]
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Shane: Hi, everyone. I’m Shane Hollander.
Ilya: And I’m Ilya Rozanov.
Shane: And this is the Wired Autocomplete Interview.
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Autocomplete suggests the most common searches on the internet.
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Shane: Is Ilya Rozanov…gay? Wow. We’re starting off strong.
Ilya: I understand the assumption because I am married to this most beautiful, freckled man. But no. I am not. I am bisexual.
Shane: He likes to tell people he’s not gay, but his husband is.
Ilya: Before I met Shane, I usually stuck to women because it was safer. But then he weasled his way in with his boring steadiness and routines, and I stood no chance.
Shane: Asshole.
Ilya: And I have only ever been in love with this one person.
Shane: Damn straight.
Ilya: No, we are not straight, Shane, that is the whole point of the question.
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Shane: Why did Ilya Rozanov…move to Ottawa?
Ilya: Well, you see, I met a boy.
Shane: It wasn’t just because you met me. We met in 2008.
Ilya: Okay, fine. I fell in love with a boy.
Shane: I’m the boy.
Ilya: And that boy played for a terrible, ridiculously shitty team.
Shane: They did wind up being pretty awful, culturally speaking.
Ilya: So, I decided to go play for a much nicer team that was closer to him, so we could be together. And now we are married and have a dog child and play on the same team where everyone is wonderful, and we are appreciated for who we are.
Shane: There was a lot of shitty stuff in between, but that’s the gist of it, yeah.
Ilya: And so, children, the moral of the story is, move to a different country for a really hot guy, and you, too, can someday apply for Canadian citizenship.
Shane: [laughing] Right. It’s got nothing to do with true love or anything like that.
[Ilya leans and kisses Shane’s cheek, causing Shane’s grin to widen so much his eyes crinkle at the corners.]
Ilya: Nope. Nothing at all to do with love.
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Shane: Does Ilya Rozanov…have tattoos?
Ilya: Yes, I do. I have a bear on my left pec. It is very sexy.
Shane: It’s not.
Ilya: I have a tattoo of a loon on my left shoulder.
Shane: That one’s for me.
Ilya: Yes, and also for Shane, I have his bitemark tattooed on my left ass cheek.
Shane: That’s absolutely untrue.
Ilya: And his scratch marks are tattooed on my back.
Shane: Okay, I don’t scratch you that much.
Ilya: Shane does not have any tattoos.
Shane: I don’t.
[Ilya reaches over and takes Shane’s hand, threading their fingers together before bringing their hands to his lips, kissing Shane’s skin.]
Ilya: But it is okay, because I am tattooed on his heart.
[Shane rolls his eyes, even as he places their still joined hands in his lap and a smile curls at the corners of his mouth.]
Shane: You’re so embarrassing.
Ilya: You love it.
Shane: You seriously just went from lying about my teeth being tattooed on your ass to your name being tattooed on my heart. How do you go from being an absolute menace to saying the most romantic shit thirty seconds later?
[Ilya grins at him and shrugs.]
Ilya: It is a gift.
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Shane: Has Ilya Rozanov…won a Stanley Cup?
Ilya: I have won one. Back in Boston in 2014.
Shane: And how many have I won?
[Ilya turns the board around and holds it close to his face, examining it closely as Shane smiles at his antics, before he places it back in his lap and dramatically points to his name.]
Ilya: Is your name on here? I do not recall this question asking about you.
Shane: Three. I’ve won three.
Ilya: As I have said to you before, not everything is about you.
Shane: Sometimes it’s about me. Especially when I have more cups than you.
[Shane gives Ilya a smug look, and Ilya flips him off even as his own expression turns affectionate.]
Ilya: Competitive little shit.
Shane: Well, at least you still like most of the people you won yours with.
Ilya: We will change that for you this year when we win in Ottawa.
Shane: Fuck yeah, we will.
Ilya: Another trophy for our trophy room. It will look so good next to the Conn Smythe I will win when I score more goals than you in the playoffs.
[He blows a kiss toward Shane, who rolls his eyes and lightly slaps Ilya’s arm.]
Shane: And you have the audacity to say I’m a competitive little shit.
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Shane: What is Ilya Rozanov’s…legal last name?
Ilya: Professionally, I will always keep Rozanov. It is just easier this way, but when we got married, I took Shane’s name, so I am now legally Ilya Hollander. I am not sure how this information got out, though.
[He shrugs, and Shane laughs, both of their faces wearing matching, brilliant smiles.]
Shane: Gee, I wonder.
Ilya: It is truly a mystery.
Shane: It couldn’t be because you tell literally everyone who will listen to you.
Ilya: I have not done this.
Shane: Oh, really? So I imagined you announcing it on every social media platform you have, insisting you be called either Mr. Ilya Hollander or Shane’s Husband, Ilya Hollander.
Ilya: I do not want to mislead anyone!
Shane: Right.
Ilya: And I really love being a Hollander.
Shane: You were already one before you changed your name.
Ilya: Yes, but now you can’t deny me even if you tried.
[Shane covers Ilya’s hand with his own, squeezing it once.]
Shane: As if I ever would.
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Ilya: Is Shane Hollander…gay? [He turns to Shane.] Can I take this one?
Shane: Uh, sure?
Ilya: I understand the assumption because he is married to such a beautiful Russian man with perfect hair, and abs, and arms, and ass. So, yes. Yes, he is extremely gay.
Shane: Great. Thanks. You took the words right out of my mouth.
[Ilya places a few placating pats on Shane’s arm.]
Ilya: It’s what I am here for.
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Ilya: Who does Shane Hollander…play hockey for?
Shane: The Ottawa Centaurs.
Ilya: Fucking finally.
Shane: And very proudly so. It’s been really wonderful to come home again.
Ilya: He has been the greatest asset to an already incredible team. And he looks very good in black and red, if I do say so myself.
Shane: Thank you, captain.
[They smile at each other, and a flush paints Ilya's cheeks. He seems momentarily frozen before he lightly shakes his head and then winks at Shane.]
Ilya: Shane, save it for the bedroom, please.
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Ilya: Did Shane Hollander…date [Ilya breaks off and glares at the camera, the tape crumpled in his hands, and he begins to pout, arms folded in front of his chest as he slumps down a bit in his chair. He mumbles the last part of the search question, his voice barely audible] Rose Landry.
Shane: Yes, I did. And if you can’t tell from my husband’s reaction, he likes to pretend he’s still not over it even though it’s been five years.
Ilya: Who is pretending? The damage runs deep.
Shane: What damage is that exactly?
Ilya: I cannot speak on this; there is a lawsuit pending.
Shane: There is not. Rose is one of our closest friends.
Ilya: One of yours, maybe.
Shane: You literally spent all day at a spa with her last week.
Ilya: Have friends and keep your enemies nearby, or whatever they say.
Shane: I don’t really think that includes getting facials together or constantly texting about Real Housepeople or whatever it is you two watch.
Ilya: Housewives.
Shane: Close enough. The fact remains, we love Rose. Right?
[Shane looks to Ilya expectantly, his eyebrows raised, as he appears to wait for Ilya to agree with him. Ilya smiles lightly and he finally sits up and unfolds his arms.]
Ilya: As ex-girlfriends of my gay husband go, she is alright.
[Shane laughs and shakes his head]
Shane: Wow. High praise.
Ilya: She will definitely think so.
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Ilya: Does Shane Hollander…speak Russian?
Shane: That’s a good question, to which I would answer sort of. I think I understand a lot more than I can speak.
Ilya: He is much better than he gives himself credit for.
Shane: But mostly, I feel like I just know a bunch of random nouns that Ilya likes to use as pet names. Like yesterday, he called me an exhaust pipe.
Ilya: It was cold outside, and you could see his little puffs of breath.
Shane: And when we made dinner last night, he called me a pasta strainer.
Ilya: The little holes reminded me of his freckles.
Shane: So, if you need to know how to say that or tomato or lawnmower or I love you, I’m your guy.
Ilya: Yes, and he is very good at saying, ‘More fingers, please.’
Shane: Ilya.
Ilya: But you say it so, so pretty.
[Shane gives Ilya a look that’s a mixture of exasperation and fondness, and Ilya bats his eyelashes and sticks his bottom lip out slightly in a pout, which causes Shane’s expression to melt into something entirely warm.]
Shane: Thank you.
Ilya: You are so welcome, солёный огурец.
Shane: Is that ‘pickle’?
Ilya: Yes, I had some on my sandwich at lunch.
Shane: And how did that remind you of me?
Ilya: It didn’t. I just like pickles.
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Ilya: Did Shane Hollander…[Ilya’s face falls a bit, concern etching his features before he quietly continues] trip on purpose.
[Shane sighs, and Ilya gives him a sad smile. Shane’s head tilts to the side, and he bites the inside of his cheek, while his face takes on a determined look. Ilya’s eyebrows raise, his eyes searching Shane’s before he grins and nods, and Shane turns back to the camera.]
Shane: You know, I’ve kept quiet about this, but honestly, fuck it, because no, I didn’t, and anyone who’s watched me play should have never questioned that. And fuck anyone in Montreal or elsewhere, my former teammates included, who thinks I would ever, even for a minute, resort to cheating to let Ilya win. I’ve given this game everything, and I don’t appreciate being called into question for one mistake that could have happened to anyone. And furthermore, it’s also insulting to my husband for anyone to think I would have to resort to cheating in order for him to win. Ilya Rozanov is an incredible player who could beat most other players in the league with his eyes closed, not to mention that his list of accomplishments is just as long as mine. It’s insulting and demeaning, and we deserve better from the league and fans we’ve given our literal minds and bodies to for more than a decade. And anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves in the least pleasurable way possible.
[When he’s finished, Shane turns to Ilya, who is staring at Shane, looking extremely pleased. Shane’s cheeks bloom pink at the way Ilya is looking at him, and Ilya bites his bottom lip before he addresses the producers behind the camera.]
Ilya: Will this video be coming out soon? I’d like to use that audio for a variety of purposes, only some of which are sexual.
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[The video switches to a new board with both men’s names in the searches. Ilya holds the board, and Shane reaches up to pull the first tape off.]
Ilya: You can read them, my love.
Shane: How long have Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov…been together?
Ilya: Depends on your definition.
Shane: Yeah, that’s very true. I’m not even sure we really know.
Ilya: We were very stupid for many years.
Shane: That’s putting it mildly.
Ilya: Do you consider league rivals who fuck each other every chance they get but deny it means anything for eight years being together?
Shane: Let’s just say it’s been a long time and leave it at that.
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Shane: Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov…fanfiction? [He turns towards Ilya, his forehead wrinkled in confusion.] What? Is that that thing where people write fake stories about you?
Ilya: Yes.
Shane: People do that about us?
Ilya: Yes, we are very popular on the ao3.
Shane: The what?
Ilya: The fanfiction site.
Shane: How do you even know that?
Ilya: I have had an account since 2017.
Shane: You read that stuff?
Ilya: [nodding enthusiastically] Some of it is quite good.
Shane: Wait, 2017?
Ilya: Yes, I was missing you quite a bit that year for any number of reasons.
[Shane’s face softens, and his expression turns a little wistful and sad. He lightly bumps his knee into Ilya, drawing a smile from the other man.]
Shane: That’s kind of sweet.
Ilya: You should not think so. Some of the writers on there have come close to figuring out how much of a freak you are. [He wriggles his eyebrows suggestively.] Those are the best.
[Shane’s face flushes a deep red, his mouth hanging open as a panicked look takes over his features.]
Shane: Oh, god.
Ilya: I will send you a list of my favorites.
[Shane visibly swallows before his hands come up and the heel of palms digs into his closed eyes.]
Shane: Please don’t.
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Shane: Are Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov…married?
Ilya: Yes, we are. [He lifts his hand and points to his wedding band.] Shane locked that shit down.
Shane: Why can’t it be the other way around? Maybe you locked me down.
Ilya: Shane, be serious. Have you seen me?
Shane: Yes. We live and work together. I literally can’t escape you.
Ilya: Then you should not be asking stupid questions.
Shane: Right. How silly of me.
Ilya: And remember who proposed.
[A dreamy smile lifts at the corners of Shane’s lips, his eyes far off for a moment as he appears to remember.]
Shane: I guess you’re right. I did lock you down.
Ilya: Yes, and he almost burned my house down in the process.
Shane: I did not!
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Shane: Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov…kissing. Is that a question, or do people just want to see us kiss?
Ilya: People definitely want to see us kissing.
Shane: But…why?
Ilya: Because we are hot, and there is not nearly enough of us on the internet doing this thing people so clearly want.
[Ilya’s gaze trails from Shane’s eyes down to his lips, licking them in a deliberate motion, causing Shane’s eyes to widen and fixate on Ilya’s lips as well. His voice is breathy when he speaks.]
Shane: The people. Right.
Ilya: This was the last one, you know.
Shane: So it was.
Ilya: And you know, we kiss at the end of practically every one of these videos we make. It’s practically tradition.
[They inch towards each other, both leaning heavily over the arms of the chairs they sit in. Shane’s head leans left as Ilya continues to watch him closely.]
Shane: And who are we to fight tradition?
[Shane closes the space between them, their lips locked as Ilya tosses the search board towards the camera and it thunks to the ground, his now free hands coming up to tangle in Shane’s loose hair, pulling him further forward as the camera cuts to black.]
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Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander Answer the Web’s Most Searched Questions | WIRED
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@harrisdrover95 Glad someone else finally understands what I go through with you two.
@haydenpikemontreal finally a fucking interview where I’m not dragged through the mud.
@ilyarozanov81 @haydenpikemontreal Only because this was about internet searches. No one searches for you on the internet.
@troybarretthockey you idiots fucked for eight years before you admitted you cared about each other?!
@ilyarozanov81 @troybarretthockey we can’t all fall in love with social media managers and move in with them to start a dog sanctuary two months later.
@harrisdrover95 @ilyarozanov81 😘
@ottawacentaurs We're proud to have you home, too, Shane! ❤️
@zamboner why did I never think to search for them kissing?
@hockeywhore He’s so proud to be Ilya Hollander 🥹🥹🥹
@theroselandry HOUSEPEOPLE?! I can’t believe I once dated Ilya Hollander’s gay husband. I’m so ashamed.
@realshanehollander @theroselandry 🤷♂️