Work Text:
you suffered through a sleep phobia, just to get a nightmare again. youre not alone though — rantaro is there to comfort you.
you both sat at the couch, one of you mindlessly scrolling through his phone, and one of you dreading what the night would bring you again. a pleasant, uninturrutpted sleep? you havent felt that in years. its the same cycle over and over again. wake up, work, free time, dread the night. youre sick, sick of the words haunting, practically launching itself like glue in your head. there was nothing you can do about it. nightmares of your parents haunt you indefinitely, their words against a 6 year old not helpful at all.
"hey hun, im gonna get ready to sleep. wanna come with me to bed?" amami said. ahah, you've forgotten your tremendous trust issues that prevented you from telling anyone about your stupid fear, and your stupid childhood! you feel tonight is going to be bad, and you start tearing up and shaking, this time unable to control it. how impulsive.
rantaro quite obviously notices, asking "hey, whats wrong? you can tell me, i can wait." that smooth deep voice is what gets you, just wanting to hear it comfort you whilst you sleep, to help overcome the nightmares caused by your shitty parents, to help you recover from this childish fear of yours. the physical and emotional turmoil causes you to boil over, all of it spilling across like coffee on a new white carpet. the sleep, the insomnia, the nightmares, the cause of it rooted to your childhood, in which, he didnt know anything about. what could i say, someone choked full of issues with trusting the people you love, always ending up into straining the relationship. i hope not this one, though.
well,, you instantly spill through, your tough cover up melting away like your dignity, as you sobbed into his shirt which he has still not changed out of because of this. you cried and cried, until your ability to cry has been stripped away from you, eyes red, hiccuping and whimpering occasionally, you became just a mess. hair stuck to your face, dried tears piecing them together as you were too distracted and tired to remove them from their place, and who cares about hair after you just unloaded your deepest most vulnerable secret to someone you were scared to tell? "r-rantaro.. please dont think anything different about me.." why would he? "of course not. but.. why didnt you tell me this before? you can always trust me, love." he simply asked. except it wasnt that simple.
*1st person POV*
he guided me to bed, nestling me in cuddles and his warmth before he slept. i was still restless and my mind wouldn't stop racing, but i tried my best to remember his words and sleep. it worked. kind of.
i woke up in a daze at 3:23am, sweating. great. another terrible nightmare awakens my gaze, sighing as low as possible as to not awaken the other. i got up and headed to the bathroom, originally planning to wash my face and do whatever comes to mind. i opened the cabinet below the sink, searching for my facewash. oh no. the urge comes creeping to me, as soon as i saw the razor blade. "this is the last time.." i say to myself, knowing damn well this will repeat in 2 weeks time, like it always does.
like it always does.
i grabbed it, feeling the cool metal peirce againt the warm flesh of my skin, suddenly almost losing my grip. i sat myself down on the bathroom floor, carefully as to not make any noise for my partner sleeping in the next room. i pulled my pants down to my knees, admiring my older scars I've left there in similar situations. slice. the first one went in. the esctacy coursing through my veins waiting for this moment, to feel metal against my skin again. ive been feeling this way for weeks, and finally got some relief. i repeated this pattern. again and again. eventually, all the space on my raw and bleeding skin was taken up, leaving nothing but open skin amd my raw feelings. "hey, Y/N?" i heard a familiar voice call through the door. oh shit. this was not it. oh no. no no no no no- my mind was racing through the endless possibilities of what could happen next, i didnt want him to see me like this, all vulnerable and shaking and- my thoughts got cut off with a sound i would probably never forget.
the bathroom door creaked open to reveal a half lidded, sleepy amami, probably not even registering what was in front of him. "Y/N-?" he said as he opened the door, only pausing in the middle of my name as his sleepy mind coursed through what was ebing registered to him. "Y/N!?" he almost shouted, leaping towards me, kneeling to trap me in a hug. a hug i never knew i really needed. "w-why, why, why? you couldve came to me-!" he whisper yelled in my ear, the yelling coming from his unnatural breathing pattern of pure discontent and fear for what i have done to myself. i heard myself mumble frantic whispered apologies also caused by my frantic and erratic breathing, not giving myself time to slow down or take a deep breath to calm myself down. "i cant, i cant, please–! i hate this rantaro, why? nightmares arent even that serious, why do i have to self-mutilate just to feel something other than the fear consuming me of seeing my parents faces again!" i sobbed into his now slightly damp pyjamas due to my own tears, atleast it was something comfortable and not rough like what he was wearing beforehand. our hands found each others torso, hugging it like the world is ending and there was nothing we could do about it. i dont think he cared that blood was getting on him too. he broke off our embrace a soon while after, talking about some "infections" and "healed cuts" but in all honesty, i couldnt hear him over the sound of my own thoughts circulating like a parade around my mind. it was a shitty coping mechanism, really, to injure yourself to feel something, but its that or drowing in your own thoughts that give worse pain than physical ones.
physical pain feels feels like its to block out the noise from the mental pain, yknow? when you mind is screaming at you, 'do something, do something!' it yells at you with remarks so bad youre surprised it came from yourself rather than from anyone else. the physical pain blockes all that out like background noise! its a comical relief to all that banter working up in my head.
tonight, i had a horrible nightmare. well it wasnt *specifically* a nightmare– more like it was a memory buried deep within that i wanted to forget. entirely. i told rantaro this, who seems to keep it in mind and would probably ask it later once he finishes cleaning up. i only just now noticed how gentle he was, caressing for my severely severed skin like it was the most precious thing in the world. as he finished, he planted a kiss to my forehead, and went to put the medkit back. "hey.. do you think we should go back to the room? or do you just wanna stay here?" he knew me so well. the thought of being in my bed, where we all sleep, made me fucking sick. i chose to stay there, him crouching down to my level. "y/n.. do you wanna talk about it?" i was terrified if his perspective of me would change if he knew what has happened to me — im still scared to tell him anyways, but i have to.
"c-can i?" i timidly asked, scared of approval. "of course hun." as we embraced again, i couldnt help but let out a silent sob to process everything that has happened as of now. he seemed to have noticed this to which i was shaking and sniffling, so he just rubbed my back and held me tighter.
i gathered up all my courage and tried not to visually think of the gruesome scenes of my childhood, but i just gave up and accepted it. i told him everything, starting with my nightmare first. the flashbacks, everything that occurred to me. "well, i dreamed about being in my c-childhood home ag- *hic* again, and i remember m-my father- *hic* held a pan up to my mother and he just–" i had to cut myself off because i could stop these atrocious, wailing sobs. "hey, look at me. youre okay, youre safe. i promise. im for 4 counts hold for 3 and out for 7?" i tried the breathing method rantaro told me, which helped surprisingly enough just to get my words out. i was still hiccuping, but that was the last of my worries. "thanks, 'taro." after slightly rubbing his head for a second, i continued. "well– i– ugh!" i still kept tumbling and couldnt get my words out, which irritaed me alot. after calming down abit, i tried again. "so the pan– held against– my mother. i didnt know what to do, i was 6, i wish i defended her, oh god. rantaro, i feel so bad for leaving my mother like that when my father yelled at me to go to my room, i hate myself so much for it– why did i do that? oh god—" before i could get anither word out, rantaro interrupted me with comforting nothings. "y/n, it wasnt your fault. how could you have known that they would start doing that, you cant just take all the stress from them at the age of 6, can you? thats basically impossible, and i honestly think you going to your room was a good idea to prevent things from escalating with you and your father." that made me feel slightly better. as i spoke, his face darkened with every word, him hugging me tighter than ever when i finished my story. "oh god y/n, i.. im honestly at a loss for words. who would do that to a child!? thats insane. hey, look– youre safe with me, i promise. if you ever feel the urge to do anything, or get flashbacks, im always going to be here. i love you y/n, please never forget that. my vision of you will never change, no matter what would happen." his words felt genuine, like ive never heard before.
as we embraced, he suggested that we try and go to some other place than being here, the kitchen, a chair, the couch. wherever that is is better than here. he picked me up bridal style, chuckling when i yelped and got flustered, shoving my face in his collarbone. he placed me carefully on the couch, treating me as if im fragile, like porcelain. we just sat there, holding each other by the torso, just talking about random things, until i heard a soft snoring sound arising from him. i look outside– holy shit, the suns up.. i look at the time. 6:13am. oh god, ive tired him out, havent i? well, i should give it a try.. it wouldnt hurt if i tried once more. i slightly planted a kiss to his forehead and watched him stir, still not waking up. i managed myself to get into a comfortable position, and tried sleeping. it took alot of work and courage to do that, but i tried just letting go in my sleep. i closed my eyelids and cherished the moment, soft light peaking through the curtains i can faintly see because how strong the light was. as i fell into a mot so comfortable slumber, i thought about one thing. 'thanks rantaro.' i thought as i fell asleep.