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[The Ottawa Foals are sat in two rows on a white background. In the front row is: LUCA HAAS, MARCEL LAPOINTE and JACK VAN DER BIJ. Sitting behind them in a row is RHYS HOLMBERG, WESLEY YOUNG, ARTEMY LEVIN and GARETH JONES.]
[They are all wearing various Ottawa Centaur’s merch. One of the lights next to them is being adjusted.]
LEVIN: This is probably the coolest bit of promo we’ll ever get to do.
HAAS: I watched these all the time growing up.
YOUNG: How many of the same question can you ask hockey players… there are a lot of us.
LAPOINTE: Bets on Luca at the draft and Holmberg tripping at the draft being brought up?
VAN DER BIJ: I will bet all my money on it.
HOLMBERG: It’s weird we’ve sat in the same room as Ryan Reynolds.
LAPOINTE, looking off camera: If you’ve changed venues do not let him know he’ll cry.
HAAS: I’ll cry.
LAPOINTE: Hi, everyone. We’re the Ottawa Foals, various members of the Ottawa Centaurs. We are going to do a speed version of our names and positions on the team. I’m Marcel LaPointe and I am a right winger.
HAAS: I’m Luca Haas, I’m a forward.
YOUNG: Wesley Young, I’m a left winger.
HOLMBERG: Rhys Holmberg. Centre.
VAN DER BIJ: I am Jack van der Bij, I am a goalie.
LEVIN: I’m Artemy Levin, I am a left defender.
JONES: I’m Gareth Jones… I am a right defender.
[LEVIN and JONES high-five.]
HOLMBERG: And this is Wired’s Autocomplete Interview!
Autocomplete suggests the most common searches on the internet.
JONES, reading: “Is Artemy Levin Jewish?”
LEVIN: Uh— kinda… like I grew up Jewish, but I’d probably say I’m an atheist now… but I’m still culturally Jewish.
HAAS: Are you Jewish the same way I’m Catholic?
YOUNG: You’re Catholic?
HAAS: No, but I went to church growing up and did all my sacraments of initiation.
LAPOINTE: Wait, you did?
HAAS: Yeah, my dad’s side of the family is really Catholic. I’m not though… sorry Oma if you’re seeing this.
HOLMBERG: Luca read the next one.
HAAS, reading: “Is Artemy Levin Russian?”
LEVIN: Uh… kinda? My parents were born in Russia. I was born in America and I grew up in a really Russian part of New York City but I wouldn’t call myself Russian the same way like… Ilya Rozanov would.
JONES: And that is all my client is saying.
HOLMBERG: What law are you defending him from?
JONES: I’ll decide later.
HOLMBERG: That is not how the law works.
YOUNG: Says who?
JONES: Says me!
LAPOINTE, sighing: I hate you all.
JONES, reading: “Is Artemy Levin the next Ilya Rozanov?”
LEVIN: We play entirely different positions?
LAPOINTE: I think because you’re both Russian and chirpy they’ve decided you must be the same person.
LEVIN: Uh— I would be honoured to be the next Ilya Rozanov. Shane Hollander… call me, I’m younger and can bend in positions I know your husband can not bend in.
JONES: [BEEP]ing Christ.
HOLMBERG: Please stop.
[LEVIN turns to the camera and winks. Then he brings his hand to his mouth like a phone and mouths ‘CALL ME’ at the camera.]
LAPOINTE, reading: “Is Artemy Levin right handed?”
YOUNG: I knew you’d get this one!
LAPOINTE: Everyone knew he’d get this one.
[LEVIN looks incredibly smug about the entire thing.]
LEVIN: I am ambidextrous, but I’m assuming this question came up because I swap my grips midway through plays sometimes. It also means I play with a completely flat stick which is kind of unusual, and is most of the reason my shot accuracy is so bad.
HAAS: Wait, really?
LEVIN: Yeah, because I don’t have the curve in my stick I lose out on some control. That’s mostly why I feed it to you guys instead of shooting it myself.
HOLMBERG: Your stick is flat?
LEVIN: Yeah.
HOLMBERG: How the hell did you make it to the NHL?
LEVIN, shrugging: By being better than you… I guess.
VAN DER BIJ, reading: “Is Artemy Levin vegetarian?”
LEVIN: Yep, have been since 2016.
JONES: That long?
LEVIN: Yeah.
JONES: What’s the last meat you ate?
LEVIN: Uh— I accidentally got pork dumplings instead of veggie dumplings two years ago, I thought it was more wasteful to throw them out and no one else was going to eat them so I ate them and then I gave like thirty dollars to the Woodstock Farm Sanctuary.
LAPOINTE: The fact that you actually remember that.
LEVIN: I felt bad about it!
YOUNG: Would you eat meat if it would save a person?
LEVIN: Which person?
YOUNG: Me.
LEVIN: No.
YOUNG: OKAY RUDE?
[LEVIN picks up the board in two hands and snaps it in half. He then throws it over his shoulder with a grin.]
LEVIN: Next up… Pointy, get ready to answer some questions. Do you feel ready?
LAPOINTE: No.
LEVIN, holding the board: Rip off the paper!
[LAPOINTE rips off the paper.]
LAPOINTE, reading: “Is Marcel LaPointe the alternate captain?” Ouch, okay. I’m not the alternate captain, that is our lovely Zane Boodram. Technically I think we are allowed one more alternate but I’m just not ready from an experience perspective. Barrett or Hollander would be the obvious choices.
HOLMBERG: You’d make a really good alternate.
YOUNG: If we ever get to vote on it… we’ll vote on you.
LAPOINTE, dryly: Thanks guys.
JONES: Any time Pointy.
HOLMBERG, reading: “Is Marcel LaPointe Indigenous?”
LAPOINTE: I am Innu First Nation. My dad is Québécois… I think his family is originally from France but I don’t really know and I don’t really care to know about the French.
HOLMBERG: We hate the French!
LAPOINTE: You’re not allowed to say that, you’re from Ottawa.
HOLMBERG: I’m allowed to say that.
LAPOINTE: You are not.
HOLMBERG: I’m Canadian!
LAPOINTE: You are not Québécois, I’ve heard your accent.
YOUNG: Sometimes they argue about Canadian things and I get afraid.
LEVIN: Holmberg does speak some French and sometimes when we’re in Montreal both him and LaPointe slip into French and it’s very confusing.
LAPOINTE: Holmberg does not know French… you know he just makes French-sounding noises at me, right?
JONES: That’s so funny [BEEP]ing what? Why do you do that?
HOLMBERG: Because sometimes LaPointe just thinks he’s really tired and gets worried he’s forgotten how to speak French.
LAPOINTE, looks at the camera: See what I have to put up with?
JONES, reading: “Is Marcel LaPointe playing for Team Canada?”
LAPOINTE: Ah… not at the Olympics, no. I did play for Team Canada at Junior Worlds until I was nineteen. I was on their roster as a backup player for the 2019 Ice Hockey World Championship and I got no ice time… and then I was offered a spot on the 2020 team but we made it further in the playoffs than we thought we would.
HOLMBERG: They offered you a spot and you said no?
LAPOINTE: We had playoffs!
HOLMBERG: I would ditch you all for a chance to play for Team Canada.
HAAS: I’d ditch you all to play for Team Canada.
LEVIN: I’d get married to a Canadian for the chance to play for Team Canada.
HOLMBERG: Bet.
LEVIN: Bet.
HOLMBERG: … you looked too excited about that.
LEVIN: Pucker up buttercup. We can be the second husbands of hockey.
VAN DER BIJ, reading: “Is Marcel LaPointe single?”
JONES: Are you lot allowed to ask that?
LEVIN: This feels invasive.
YOUNG: Who is Googling this?
LAPOINTE: I’m single.
HAAS: Why would you admit that on the internet?
LAPOINTE: Because I want a girlfriend.
VAN DER BIJ: Better question, why are you single?
[LAPOINTE pouts, giving VAN DER BIJ an offended look.]
LAPOINTE: Because being a hockey player involves travelling most of the year.
JONES: That doesn’t stop most people.
LAPOINTE: I don’t want to date someone then leave them for most of the year! That seems cruel, I also wouldn’t want my girlfriend to upend her life for me, the appeal of dating someone is they have their own life.
JONES: You’re just a [BEEP].
LAPOINTE: Be so careful before I tell the entire internet about your love life.
JONES: … forgive me…
HAAS, reading: “Is Marcel LaPointe… good.” Yes.
LAPOINTE: Can I answer this—
HAAS: No, you can not. Marcel LaPointe is easily one of the strongest wingers in the league right now.
HOLMBERG: No, seriously— he was easily the biggest steal of his draft pick year. He’s only getting better and better and soon he might actually outpace Luca’s scoring.
LAPOINTE: Let’s not say that—
VAN DER BIJ: He also has the seventh highest accuracy rate in the NHL for one-on-one situations with goalies.
LAPOINTE: I do?
VAN DER BIJ: Yeah. Guess who’s first?
EVERYONE, tiredly: Shane Hollander.
VAN DER BIJ: Yes.
LAPOINTE: Now I’m going to answer my own question, I think I’m pretty good. I mean the Ottawa Centaurs have a lot of talent and so I think everyone on the team elevates my game. I don’t think I’d be nearly as good anywhere else.
[LEVIN picks up LAPOINTE’s question board and grins widely at the camera. He then stands up and bashes it against his chair. Pieces fling off and then LEVIN drops the remains of it on the floor.]
[Everyone looks mildly confused. LEVIN seems content with himself.]
YOUNG, reading: “Where is Jack van der Bij from?”
VAN DER BIJ: I am from Rotterdam, which is in The Netherlands.
YOUNG, reading: “Is Jack van der Bij good at field hockey?”
VAN DER BIJ: Yes. I played goalie in field hockey before I moved to ice hockey. My parents were very sad that I decided not to do the hockey that has money in it in the Netherlands.
YOUNG, reading: “Why is Jack van der Bij’s nickname Bee?”
VAN DER BIJ: My name means ‘of the bee’ in Dutch. Americans are confused when a name has spaces in it. Bee.
LAPOINTE: You do know you’re supposed to give more information, right?
VAN DER BIJ: There isn’t more to give.
YOUNG, reading: “Is Jack van der Bij good?”
VAN DER BIJ: Yes. I would not be in the NHL if I wasn’t.
YOUNG, reading: “Is Jack van der Bij getting traded?”
VAN DER BIJ: It is my first year on the team. I hope not.
[Everyone, including VAN DER BIJ look confused about what to do next.]
LEVIN: That was the fastest round ever.
VAN DER BIJ: You all use too many words.
HOLMBERG: Honestly, respect.
[LEVIN picks up the board. Drops it on the ground next to him and then stands up like he’s about to do an elbow drop onto the board. He jumps slightly out of frame, and there’s a crash.]
LEVIN: Ow.
HAAS, reading: “Why did Luca Haas look like that at his draft?” Oh for [BEEP]’s sake.
LAPOINTE: Actually, we should probably talk about this. Why did you look so horrified to be drafted by Ottawa? We weren’t even the worst team in the league the year you were drafted.
HOLMBERG: We were the second worse!
LAPOINTE: Third… but sure.
YOUNG: The group chat did use that as a reaction image for like seven weeks.
[HAAS has a pinched expression on his face.]
LEVIN: Why does everyone act like this is such a mystery?
[EVERYONE turns to look at LEVIN, obviously curious.]
LEVIN: I mean… Luca was in my draft year and everyone knew he was going to go first overall, like that’s just… what we all knew was going to happen. Then he didn’t go first and everyone was shocked… I mean… Luca would’ve been the most shocked of anyone, right?
HAAS: Yeah…
LEVIN: I mean, I know I’d be mad as hell if I went to Ottawa instead of San Francisco. I was supposed to go to Florida so… win.
YOUNG: What’s wrong with Florida?
LEVIN: What’s right with Florida, Young?
LEVIN, reading: “Is Luca Haas more like Shane Hollander or Ilya Rozanov?”
HAAS: My play style has been compared to Hollander’s. I have a more sniping playstyle whereas someone like Holmberg, or Rozanov, is more of a two-way forward.
LAPOINTE: Class is in session for Professor Haas. And what does this mean, Professor Haas?
HAAS: It means I’m less good at the defensive aspect of being a forward, but if you put me on the ice I am probably going to score some points from pretty far out.
LAPOINTE: And why did you develop this style?
HAAS: Uh… I didn’t want to get too close to defenders and get hit so I just learnt to shoot past them.
JONES: Why don’t you want to get close to defenders, Luca. We’re nice.
HOLMBERG: Jones, your arm is the size of his thigh you would kill him.
LAPOINTE: Luca isn’t that scrawny, we know that, right? Like he is still a professional hockey player.
LAPOINTE, reading: “Is Luca Haas related to Ueli Haas?”
HAAS: Considering this is in English and not in Swiss-German I do not believe enough people know who Ueli Haas is to be Googling if I’m related to him.
HOLMBERG: Is this like a common guy people know?
HAAS: So for… basically anyone who isn’t Swiss, Ueli Haas was one of the really good coaches in Switzerland for ice hockey. He was the goalie coach for the Swiss national team, uh— he coached for the ZCS Bears and Lions. He himself never played in Switzerland’s top league but he taught those who did.
VAN DER BIJ: The person who coached me was coached by Ueli Haas and never stopped singing his praises.
HAAS: I am his son.
YOUNG: Wait, what?
VAN DER BIJ: And you are not a goalie?
HAAS: No.
VAN DER BIJ: You had Ueli Haas as a father and you aren’t a goalie?
HAAS: I am not.
[HAAS turns to look at someone behind the camera. He opens his mouth to say something.]
[HARD CUT.]
LEVIN, reading: “Is Luca Haas vegan?”
HAAS: No? What— why are so many people Googling that?
LEVIN: Join me on the dark side.
HAAS: You’re not vegan?
LEVIN: I could be.
HAAS: You eat cheese and eggs like I eat potatoes.
LEVIN: I’m going vegan to spite you.
HAAS: You’d be lucky to make me vegetarian.
LEVIN, winking: I’ll make you more than vegetarian, baby.
[HAAS rolls his eyes. LEVIN looks very pleased with himself.]
YOUNG, reading: “Is Luca Haas single?” Why do so many people want to know about our relationship status?
LAPOINTE: Some of you need to mind your business.
[HAAS looks at the camera for a few seconds, he opens and closes his mouth before looking away from the camera.]
JONES: The people want exciting love stories.
HAAS: I’m a hockey player, this does not mean anyone gets any information about my life.
[LEVIN snatches the board out of YOUNG’s hands and starts hitting JONES with the board until bits splinter off.]
JONES, reading: “Is Gareth Jones Welsh?” Everyone… let’s answer this at the same time.
EVERYONE: Yes.
JONES: I’m the fourth Welsh player in the MLH, I’m also from the Tonypandy in the Rhondda Valley which is very Welsh. I love Wales and I am chuffed to go back at the end of the season.
LEVIN: I’m going with him! I’m excited to eat Welsh food and meet people with even stronger accents than him.
JONES: They’re gonna love a New York accent in Wales. Everyone is gonna be climbing all over you, they are.
HAAS, annoyed: Can we do the next question?
HAAS, reading: “What position does Gareth Jones play?”
JONES: I play defense! Yet to be reunited on a line with my one true love, Mister Levin.
LEVIN: They just want to give the other teams a chance.
LAPOINTE: You two would talk the entire time you were on a shift.
HOLMBERG: Nothing would get done.
JONES: Can’t a man have a chat in this economy?
VAN DER BIJ, reading: “Is Gareth Jones the alternate captain?”
LAPOINTE: What is with people asking this?
JONES: Uh… I’m guessing that’s an old search from when I was the alternate on the Pegasus’s.
HOLMBERG: For anyone who doesn’t know, the Pegasus’s are the Centaur’s OHL affiliate team. That is where we got Bee and Jonesy from.
LAPOINTE: We also picked Arty up from the Brooklyn Griffins which is the AHL affiliate team.
JONES: Anyway— this isn’t the Arty question. I was the alternate captain on the Pegasus’s, I am not the alternate captain on the Ottawa Centaurs. How was I as an alternate Bee?
VAN DER BIJ: You were good at it.
[JONES stands up and does a lap around the room celebrating. He sits back down and grins at the camera.]
JONES: You heard it here everyone, I am the greatest alternate captain ever.
LAPOINTE: Literally no one said that.
HOLMBERG: How did you hear that?
JONES: English isn’t my first language.
HAAS: That is just. Categorically not true.
JONES: It was worth a shot.
LEVIN, reading: “What is Gareth Jones’ work out routine?” It is whatever I am doing, he literally does not have his own workout routine.
JONES: That’s really rude. I go on runs.
LEVIN: Only when I do?
JONES: Not true.
LEVIN: Alright. Name what we do.
JONES: … I’m calling my lawyer.
LEVIN, looking at the camera: So what we do every day is kinda simple. We do like… walking lunges then squat jumps and then yoga push ups, we repeat those blocks a few times. Then walkouts and leg holds and high plank shoulder touches, that one is the most important.
JONES: And I know this block because I hate it and they have stupid names. We do ten Activated Bird Dog’s. We're supposed to hold it for five seconds but we normally compete to see who can hold the last one longer.
HOLMBERG: That seems like a great way to injure yourself.
JONES: Slider planks, once again we just do that until someone fails. Flutter kicks… I think. Then we do Cross-Body V-Up’s. We also do the T Spine Extensions, am I missing anything Mr Levin?
LEVIN: We also do cardio.
YOUNG: Honestly Arty, sometimes I’m kinda afraid of how much you work out.
LEVIN: I don’t work out that much.
YOUNG: I’ve done this set with you, it’s [BEEP]ing brutal and then you go and do weights.
LEVIN: It’s really not that hard.
JONES: It’s really good though, I’ve been playing heaps better. I’m less tired after shifts and people keep hitting me and I don’t move, I feel like a [BEEP]ing brick wall. If any other players are tired of getting hit… do Artemy Levin’s workout.
[LEVIN grins at the camera and gives a thumbs up.]
JONES: Back when I was on the Pegasus’ I would just do whatever they told me to, my trainer here said doing the same stuff Arty was is good for me. The biggest difference with what I’m doing now is that I'm bulking.
YOUNG: You’re gonna get bigger?
JONES: Not that much, but a little yeah.
[YOUNG reaches over and squeezes JONES’ bicep. He makes an impressed noise.]
[HOLMBERG does the same, sounding similarly impressed.]
JONES: Luca, feel my muscles.
HAAS: No.
JONES: You hate fun.
YOUNG, reading: “Is Gareth Jones… dating Artemy Levin?”
HAAS: They did not ask that—
HOLMBERG: I’m reading the paper they one hundred percent asked that.
[LAPOINTE turns to look at someone off screen, his face very obviously angry.]
[JONES starts laughing.]
JONES: Arty, they found out about our sordid affair.
LEVIN: Oh the scandal! What will the neighbours think?
JONES, laughing: I can’t [BEEP] believe they asked that! They [BEEP] asked that!
LAPOINTE, looking at the camera: Hi. This sort of stuff is not alright to ask. Do better.
[JONES and LEVIN look at each other, JONES does something with his face and whips back around to look at the camera.]
JONES: Arty and I are obviously really good mates, he’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met and he’s [BEEP]ing hilarious. I am better for having known him for sure.
[LEVIN takes the board again. This time he hands it to JONES and makes him hold it out. LEVIN then punches through the board like a poorly done Taekwondo move.]
[JONES drops both sides and winks at the camera.]
VAN DER BIJ, reading: “Where is Wesley Young from?”
YOUNG: I am from Glenelg.
HOLMBERG: No one knows where that is.
YOUNG: I am from Adelaide, South Australia. That’s why I sound a bit more British than other Australian’s. Glenelg is one of the suburbs of Adelaide, it’s along the beach and where I am from. My grandparents on my mum’s side are Korean though.
HOLMBERG: Glenelg is really nice, would recommend.
JONES: You went to Glenelg?
HOLMBERG: Yeah, during the off-season I went to Adelaide. I went with Young and met his family.
YOUNG: It was fun. We should all go to Australia during this off-season.
LEVIN: I kinda already have plans.
HAAS: Yes, we get it. You’re going to Europe with Jones.
LEVIN: … do you want to come to Wales with us?
HAAS: No.
JONES: That is the least convincing no I’ve literally ever heard.
HAAS: I’ve been to Wales, it’s fine.
JONES: You’ve been to Wales? When— why? Did you like it? Where did you go, you didn’t just see Cardiff right, there’s so much cool shit outside of Cardiff—
YOUNG, speaking louder: I’m from Glenelg. Which is what the question was.
HAAS, reading: “What is Wesley Young’s salary?”
YOUNG: I am in my final year of an entry level contract… so I make about eight hundred thousand dollars and then if I hit certain goals I get bonuses.
LAPOINTE: You’re only on eight hundred?
LEVIN: Only?
YOUNG: Please extend my contract Ottawa… I promise I’m not ungrateful for the amount you have been paying me.
JONES, reading: “How old is Wesley Young?”
YOUNG: I am twenty-two.
JONES: Ooooh you’ve been enjoy drinking in the states.
YOUNG: LaPointe, Bee and I will be too powerful.
[LAPOINTE, VAN DER BIJ and YOUNG all do a three way high five.]
YOUNG: I miss Australia’s drinking laws.
HAAS: Tell me about it. You’re allowed to buy wine in Switzerland at sixteen.
JONES: You are?
LAPOINTE, sighing: The Ottawa Foals support drinking when you are of age because underage drinking ruins your brain development and ruins lives. That being said, the fact you can go all your university years in America without legally being able to drink is wild.
YOUNG: That being said… can’t wait until I can go to some clubs in America with you guys.
VAN DER BIJ: It’s overrated.
YOUNG: Ooooh, let’s see what we have… “Does Wesley Young know ice hockey rules”.
[HOLMBERG starts hysterically laughing.]
YOUNG: Okay. First of all, rude. Second of all, of course I know the rules! Boyle and Chouinard wouldn’t know a joke if it hit them in the face. Now… do I know the rules of AFL better than the sport I actually play professionally? Yes.
JONES: That’s fair, I know the rugby rules better than ice hockey rules.
VAN DER BIJ: I know field hockey rules better.
HOLMBERG: You all concern me greatly.
YOUNG: Not all of us grew up watching ice hockey, Holmberg. Some of us live in countries where ice hockey is not popular at all. Some of us grew up in places where ‘hockey’ means field hockey, not ice hockey.
[HOLMBERG pouts.]
YOUNG: Stop whining.
HOLMBERG: Sad-face-emoji.
LEVIN: You did NOT just say that outloud oh my God.
LAPOINTE, reading: “Is Wesley Young leaving the Ottawa Centaurs?”
YOUNG: [BEEP]ing Christ, I hope not. Is this how they’re announcing a trade? They don’t announce trades like that, right?
LAPOINTE: No, they call you.
LEVIN: Or you can find out from Twitter!
YOUNG, with the fear of God in his voice: What?
LEVIN: Oh yeah, sometimes players find out from Twitter before their agent or their team. I found out the Centaurs were thinking about signing me from Twitter.
LAPOINTE: Well that was just a rumour, that’s different than actually being traded.
YOUNG: If I ever find out I’m getting traded from Twitter I am going to throw up.
JONES: I will beat up our general manager.
HOLMBERG: Please don’t say that.
YOUNG: Christopher Ducharme we love you. Please don’t trade us.
JONES, pointing at the camera: And if you do trade us we better not find out through Twitter, alright?
HOLMBERG, reading: “What is Wesley Young’s favourite food?”
YOUNG: Australian food or?
HOLMBERG: Maybe both?
YOUNG: My favourite Australian food is a lamington.
VAN DER BIJ: What?
YOUNG: Okay, picture this. It is a sponge cake. Which is then covered in either chocolate or strawberry sauce, and then it’s rolled in coconut. Then the really good ones are cut in half and have jam and cream in the middle.
LAPOINTE: I’m on board.
HOLMBERG: Wouldn’t the coconut get stuck in your teeth?
YOUNG: A price you pay for lamingtons. I also really like Australian style-sushi, I kinda miss that. My favourite food ever is… okay so there’s this Japanese restaurant in Sydney and they do like… a Japanese curry but they put a burger in it.
LEVIN: Are you sure this isn’t in America?
YOUNG: And like… dude, I dream about that food. It’s so good. I need to go back to Sydney right now.
HOLMBERG: You have been all across America and Canada… and your favourite food is a Japanese Curry Burger?
YOUNG: Yes.
HOLMBERG: You are not right in the head.
YOUNG: Yeah. I know.
[LEVIN sits on this board. It cracks under the weight of his ass. Everyone reacts like this was expected information.]
YOUNG: Everyone get excited, we have the man… the myth, the legend… Rhys Holmberg up. Rip the paper!
[HOLMBERG rips the paper off the board with such enthusiasm he manages to punch himself in the face. LEVIN, JONES and YOUNG immediately fall off their chairs laughing. VAN DER BIJ, HAAS and LAPOINTE looks mildly concerned about the entire thing and have to help everyone back onto their chairs.]
[HARD CUT]
[Everyone is sitting on their chairs, LEVIN’s face is still bright red and he’s breathing heavily like he’s trying to calm himself down. JONES lets out a breath and LEVIN breaks out into laughter again.]
[HARD CUT]
[Everyone is behaving. JONES and LEVIN have been moved so they’re no longer sitting next to each other.]
YOUNG, reading: Does Rhys Holmberg speak Swedish?
HOLMBERG: I’m not Swedish?
LEVIN: Holmberg is a common Swedish last name.
HOLMBERG: I only speak English… and like the amount of French you learn if you don’t live in the French-speaking part of Canada. I think… Jones and I are the only ones who know one language?
VAN DER BIJ: You are.
HOLMBERG: Out of the Foals, not on the team.
YOUNG, reading: “Who is Rhys Holmberg’s favourite hockey player?”
HOLMBERG: Myself. Or Max Riley… or Shane Hollander I guess but he’s not allowed to know I said that.
LAPOINTE: You are very famously Shane Hollander’s number one fan.
LEVIN: Untrue, Holmberg doesn’t even have a poster of Shane.
[EVERYONE turns to look at LEVIN. A silence has never been louder.]
JONES: You have a poster of Shane Hollander?
LEVIN: … I don’t wanna talk about it.
HAAS: He has it on his door.
[LEVIN shrieks and throws himself at HAAS.]
[HARD CUT]
YOUNG, reading: “Rhys Holmberg… Goalie Interference.”
[VAN DER BIJ lets out a rare smile. JONES starts shrieking with laughter. HOLMBERG turns a bright red colour.]
HOLMBERG: Uh… okay, so last year I got pretty bad luck and a good chunk of my goals were classed as goalie interference. Now, I am of the opinion interfering with the goalie is kind of the fucking point of the game.
[VAN DER BIJ starts laughing.]
HOLMBERG: Like— fifteen of my goals were discounted because of goalie interference, and I’m starting to think all the refs in the MHL hate me specifically and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that?
[YOUNG also starts laughing, holding onto LEVIN to keep himself on his chair.
VAN DER BIJ, reading: “Is Rhys Holmberg Canadian?”
HOLMBERG: Yep! Ottawa born and raised, that’s most of the reason Max Riley and Shane Hollander are my favourite players. I got to watch them both play in home games at Ottawa when I was young and I was obsessed, I always wanted to like… be Ottawa’s next hometown hero.
YOUNG: Do you feel overshadowed by Shane Hollander returning?
HOLMBERG: No way. I’ve been with him when he’s been recognised and I didn’t have to pay for anything. More people recognise me when I’m with him anyway.
LEVIN: How did you feel when you got to play with Max Riley at that exhibition match?
HOLMBERG, fanning himself: I— I’m pretty sure I passed out and died. Max Riley said I had a decent pass.
JONES, looking at the camera: He also reacts like this whenever Hollander compliments him even slightly.
HOLMBERG: So do you!
JONES: Well duh, he’s Shane Hollander.
YOUNG, reading: “Rhys Holmberg Trip.”
[HOLMBERG groans and puts his face in his hands.]
LAPOINTE: Oh this is fun! Please tell that story, Holmberg.
HOLMBERG: No.
YOUNG: That’s alright! I can!
HOLMBERG, sliding down in his chair: Noooo—
LAPOINTE: Yes!
YOUNG: So… picture this… Holmy got drafted the same year Ilya Rozanov joined our team. Amazing stuff. Anyway, Holmberg gets called up as the Centaur’s pick and he walks up the stairs and— he totally eats [BEEP] and just… falls over.
HOLMBERG: I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here.
YOUNG: And everyone was just quiet because what do you even do with that? Then Holmberg just… stayed down.
HOLMBERG: Ohmygodshutup.
YOUNG: Turns out Holmberg managed to really mess up his kneecap and then he missed a good chunk of his first season because he had to have knee constructive surgery because he tripped over at the draft.
LAPOINTE: The best part of that was that when Holmberg just stayed down people fully thought he died and they cut the cameras.
HOLMBERG: Stop.
YOUNG: He didn’t die, obviously.
LEVIN: Oh! I remember that. I was terrified I’d do something worse at my draft.
HAAS: Then Cédric Caron got his foot stuck on a chord and almost brought the lights down and anything embarrassing anyone else did was forgotten.
[HAAS goes to say something again but the video cuts.]
[LEVIN frisbees the board out of frame. Everyone makes a pained noise when it hits something. There is a light thump then something clattering to the ground.]
LEVIN: I am so sorry!
PRODUCER: And now we have some questions about you guys as a whole.
[The PRODUCER walks on screen and hands HOLMBERG a new fresh board with tape and various ‘OTTAWA FOALS’ on display.]
HOLMBERG, reading: “Who are the Ottawa Foals?”
YOUNG: This makes us sound like a YouTube dude-bro house.
LEVIN: The hottest men in the league.
JONES: We all know it’s Shane. You know it’s Shane based on the fact you have a [BEEP]in’ poster of him on your door.
[LAPOINTE shoves JONES by his head to the side and leans closer to the camera, shooting it a wide smile.]
LAPOINTE: The Ottawa Foals is the name of the young core on the Ottawa Centaurs. It is mostly rookie players still on Entry Level Contracts but I am on my extension contract with the Cens. So I’m not a rookie anymore.
HOLMBERG: The Foals is just a marketing name that someone came up with.
VAN DER BIJ: Do you reckon The Foals will be a ship of Theseus situation? When some of us leave is it still the Foals? Are new rookies The Foals?
[EVERYONE has a moment of existential contemplation.]
VAN DER BIJ, reading: “What languages do the Ottawa Foals speak?” Would we like to go person by person?
LEVIN: My first language is actually Russian, but I know English and like… three sentences and some prayers in Yiddish.
HAAS: Swiss-German, High German, English and I know some Vallader Romash.
HOLMBERG: What’s that?
HAAS: Descendent language of Latin, it’s spoken in some parts of Switzerland and it’s my mum’s first language. I wouldn’t say I really speak it though, I can just… yell at people in it.
VAN DER BIJ: I speak Dutch and English.
YOUNG: I speak English and Korean.
LAPOINTE: Innu-aimun and French were my first languages, and then I learnt English when I got older.
JONES: I speak English…
HOLMBERG: Me too brother…
JONES: We need to learn another language, I feel left out.
HOLMBERG: I feel I know more French than you know Welsh.
JONES: Well that’s not my [BEEP]in’ fault, is it?
LEVIN: I think Luca wins with the most languages, right?
HAAS: LaPointe knows his languages the best though.
LAPOINTE: Luca you are also fluent in three languages and then know stuff in two more, you didn’t even include Russian.
LEVIN: He does not know Russian.
[LAPOINTE looks at the two of them for a few seconds before shrugging and reading out to reveal the next question.]
LAPOINTE, reading: “Are the Ottawa Foals…” this is ominous. “Good at hockey?”
LEVIN: Yes.
HOLMBERG: We’re in the NHL, screw this I’m doing a more exciting one— “Are the Ottawa Foals…”
[HOLMBERG reaches forwards and rips off another piece of paper.]
HOLMBERG: “Actually friends?”
YOUNG: No.
LEVIN: I hate them all.
JONES:
LAPOINTE, deadpanned: Yes, we’re actually friends.
YOUNG: I dunno… your mum’s payment hasn’t come in for this week.
LAPOINTE: Seriously, these guys are half of my soul at this point. I’m not going to pretend to be friends with these guys.
VAN DER BIJ: That was sweet. I am very grateful for you all.
[HOLMBERG stares at his friends with teary eyes, and throws himself at the nearest person to him and hugs them. This is HAAS, HAAS looks wildly uncomfortable by the sudden physical affection. He slightly awkwardly pats HOLMBERG’s back.]
LEVIN: As you can see… this is PR relationship material.
[LAPOINTE hits LEVIN in the arm and LEVIN howls.]
YOUNG, reading: “Are the Ottawa Foals… in a polycule?” Not enough people have Googled this for this to come up.
HOLMBERG: I think we argue too much to be a good polycule.
LEVIN: All polycules do is argue.
JONES: Look, we’re arguing now.
HAAS, rolling his eyes: You know there are like actual questions people could ask but—
[HARD CUT]
LAPOINTE: We are the Ottawa Foals and this was Wired’s Autocomplete Interview!
Luca stumbles off the set as soon as he physically is allowed to. Someone yells ‘cut’ and Luca is immediately on his feet. He stumbles outside quickly enough, and finds a very suitable wall to sit against.
He sits against the wall and runs his hands through his hair. He doesn’t know what’s going to make the edit and what’s not, he doesn’t know how much Harris will have a say in what gets through. Some… probably.
With a sigh, Luca leans back against the wall. “Fuck.”
Luca blinks away tears because he doesn’t want to be found crying outside this place. That requires a level of explanation Luca just… truly isn’t ready to confront. He runs both hands down his face and tries not to scream.
There are gentle footsteps next to him, and Luca looks up.
Standing next to him, like Luca thought, is Arty.
He looks down at Luca, worry plastered across his face. He opens his mouth, and then he closes it again. He slides down the wall next to Luca and just sits there for a few seconds.
“You okay?”
Luca nods, not trusting his own voice.
“Sorry that was so awful for you.”
Luca shrugs, he’s pretty sure how this goes now. Luca wasn’t ready for how hungry people are about his life, he wasn’t ready for so many people to be so okay asking him unhinged things. He wasn’t ready for the way everyone who ever tries to talk to him tries to bring up his dad.
It’s not even like Luca thinks about his dad that much anymore, it’s been seven years since he died.
Arty shuffles a little bit closer and Luca’s entire body tightens.
“Someone will see,” Luca hisses.
The hurt look on Arty’s face only lasts a second. “They’re going to see us hugging,” Arty’s tone has the beginnings of contempt dripping from it. “Something I do with literally all my other friends.”
Luca grits his teeth. “Stop it. It’s—”
“You know we are friends right?”
Luca would like to scream, because yes he is painfully aware they are friends and he is painfully aware that’s all he can let it be and he’s painfully aware of all of these things and Arty isn’t fucking helping right now.
“Oh fuck it,” Arty mutters. He throws an arm around Luca’s shoulders and pulls Luca against his side.
Luca’s entire body rejects it, his shoulders freeze up and he forgets to breathe. He immediately looks across the car park around him in case there is anyone walking towards this stage door. His heart starts beating in his throat.
What if someone sees? What if someone thinks something— Luca knows Arty doesn’t care if people think he’s gay, he made that fucking clear in the interview but Luca cares and—
“You and Jones don’t have to do that,” Luca tries to keep the disgust out of his voice.
“I don’t give a shit if the entire world thinks Jones and I are secretly in love,” Arty says. “You get dissected more than Gareth or I do anyway.”
“Gareth,” Luca laughs and it’s bitter. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”
Arty lets in a deep breath. “I don’t— what did we do wrong?”
“Nothing,” Luca snaps. “You never fucking do anything wrong Arty.”
It’s not even a lie. That infuriates him even more. Artemy Levin is gentle and kind and he cares about a lot of people and Luca doesn’t get a claim over him. Luca doesn’t get to be jealous over Arty, he’s been very sure that’s clear.
He pushes up off of Arty, feeling distinctly uncomfortable with the entire thing. His eyes sweep over the car park again. He gets onto his feet and brushes the imaginary dust off of his clothes.
Arty is looking up at him with the sad sort of expression that he’s a master of. It twists Luca’s heart. Arty presses his lips together in a thin line and Luca can see how his eyes are shining. “I don’t… I don’t get you sometimes, Luca.”
It feels like being shot.
Luca can’t stop the choked noise from the back of his throat.
“I just—” Arty runs his hands through his hair. “People are watching Jones and I, they’re not watching you, isn’t that what you wanted? I thought— I thought that would help. If you don’t want me acting like that with Jones, that’s fine—”
Luca lets out a bitter sort of laugh. “Why would I care, Artemy? We’re not anything. You can have as much sex as you want with him while you’re in Wales. Enjoy that, by the way.”
“Yeah, and who made sure we weren’t anything?” Arty snaps.
Both of them are quiet for a long few moments. Arty takes a deep breath and runs a hand down his face.
“Sorry— sorry. I just,” Arty takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
Yes you did. Luca wants to scream, because he knows Arty means that. They’re both horrendous at lying to themselves, and they’re somehow worse at lying to each other. You meant it and I’m sorry I can’t do this.
Instead Luca turns away from Arty.
“You’d just be another part of my life under a microscope,” Luca gazes out over the carpark again. There’s someone walking from their car to a building across the other side. “Alright? I’m sick of my life being dissected for entertainment, alright? I’m sick of people asking if I’m single or asking me if I miss my dad and I’m sick of people trying to get me to talk about my siblings and I’m—”
Luca swallows around the lump in his throat.
“I’m sick of how they fucking edit me in these bullshit videos and I’m sick of—” Luca takes a shaky breath and wipes at his eyes.
A grief Luca hasn’t felt properly in years settles in his stomach again. Bee had a point, he should’ve learnt things about being a goalie from his dad. He should’ve had time to be able to learn, maybe he’d be a goalie right now and all of it would be easier.
His father was Ueli Haas and it seems no one will fucking let him forget it. Luca wipes at his eyes again and tries to breathe around the grief settling in his chest. It aches again.
Luca once read somewhere— probably on Tumblr, that you grow around grief. He thinks that’s bullshit, you just get better and better at ignoring it until someone says something stupid and suddenly Luca is twelve years old and having to explain to his little brother and sister that Papa is never coming home.
Maybe his dad would’ve convinced his family to move here to be closer to Luca.
Maybe Luca wouldn’t be so alone.
“I miss my dad,” Luca whispers.
Arty is immediately back on his feet, wrapping his arms around Luca and pulling him in for a hug. Luca’s arms stay hanging limply by his side. They’re not that different in height, and Luca buries his head against Arty’s shoulders.
Luca doesn’t quite cry, his eyes are tearing up but nothing falls.
Arty presses a kiss to Luca’s hairline.
Luca only feels worse.