Chapter Text
It was odd, realizing that he didn’t need to worry about it anymore.
Qifrey had always tried to stop himself from fantasizing about what it might be like - that could be dangerous - but the thoughts crept through anyways, as thoughts were wont to do. He’d thought that his reaction, should it happen, would be full of the kind of joy that he hadn’t ever been allowed to feel. He’d imagined grabbing Olruggio and pulling him into a hug, thought of pressing their bodies together to finally feel, thought of all the apologies he’d never been allowed to give Beldaruit, and later, of lying in the warm sun with his girls without fear of roots digging into the grass below him. And yet.
He felt nothing. Shock, maybe, if he had to put a name to it. He was upright in a hospital bed, surrounded by his little family and being told what should have been the best news of his life. The Silverwood was gone, burned away by Olruggio’s fire. He should be elated. He should be laughing. He should be relieved.
He was crying.
Silent tears dripped down his face, and he was struggling to pay attention to anything being said to him. The four little bundles of energy that were so familiar to him were all subdued now, his girls each a blob of color in his blurry vision, made worse by the tears that wouldn’t seem to stop. He felt fingers brush his shoulder and he flinched, hissing as the sudden movement aggravated the injuries that he had sustained. He heard Beldaruit’s apology as if it was under water.
He was so very far away.
Something tapped his hand, and this time he managed to control his wretched body, looking vaguely downwards instead of pulling away. Olruggio was kneeling by his bedside, his features a bit too blurry to make out his expression. He was holding Qifrey’s glasses, gently placing them against Qifrey’s hand. He was saying something, but Qifrey still could not hold onto the words.
The next thing he knew, his glasses were back in their place on the bridge of his nose, and he could suddenly make out the faces of the people around him. Beldaruit and Olruggio were at either side of his bed, both of their expressions poorly concealing the worry that permeated the room. The girls didn’t even try, clutching each other as they stared at him. Coco looked to be on the verge of tears.
“It’s…gone.” Qifrey finally whispered, his voice cracking and his throat horribly dry. He brought a hand up to his eye socket, unable to muffle a whimper as the movement reminded him that his head was aching something fierce.
“Completely.” Olruggio’s voice was nearer now. Gentle, as Olly always was with him. “You’re okay now.”
“I…I don’t feel…” Qifrey looked up, locking eyes with Coco, then his other students. “I’m so sorry, girls.”
Agott frowned, “Professor, there’s nothing to apologize for.”
“Yeah!” Tetia nodded fiercely, squeezing Agott’s hand tightly. “You’re just waking up! It’s been a loooong time, and we want you to be happy but-” She hopped onto the foot of the bed, reaching a hand out. Beldaruit held out his own hand, a warning which prevented her from touching her Professor. She continued speaking anyways, the flash of guilt on her face causing a pang of regret to hit Qifrey in the chest. “-but it’s okay if you aren’t!”
A hot wave of shame enveloped Qifrey as she finished talking. He should be happy. He had no idea why he wasn’t, but he certainly shouldn’t have been acting so miserable in front of the very people who had saved his life.
His head hurt.
“Girls, why don’t we let your professor rest, hm?” Beldaruit clasped his hands together, the legs of his sealchair sounding oddly comforting to Qifrey’s ears as he made his way to them, placing a hand on Tetia’s shoulder. “So many people trying to talk to him when he’s just woken up may be a tad overwhelming.”
“But-” Coco looked at Qifrey, biting her lip. He was clutching his sheets tight, he knew, and he probably looked very distressed. He could feel his expression pinching in pain without his permission, but it seemed to convince the girl to follow Beldaruit’s suggestion. “...okay. We’ll visit you later when you’re up to it, okay Professor?”
Qifrey only nodded, not quite trusting his voice not to give the raging storm of his emotions away. Of course, it was a bit late for that, but regardless. He watched his master lead his students away, casting a reassuring smile over his shoulder before they closed the door behind them, leaving him alone with his best friend.
The mattress dipped slightly to the left where Olruggio sat on it, his hand laid flat on the sheets. An invitation. Qifrey stared at it, his eye brimming once again with tears. Olruggio brought his attention back to his face by speaking. “Oh, Qifrey…” He said quietly, looking very much like he was preventing himself from touching the other man. “What’s going through that head of yours?”
Qifrey sniffed, “I-” He choked on nothing, coughing lightly into his arm. “I don’t know.”
“That’s okay.” Olruggio nodded slowly, “You don’t have to know.”
“...always so kind.” Qifrey whispered, gritting his teeth against another wave of pain shooting through his head. He looked at the offered hand again, his heart hammering horribly in his chest as he considered taking it. His anxiety spiked and his breathing hitched, his mind already wandering back to the seed, to the risk, to the fear-
He grabbed Olruggio’s hand with much more force than intended, his mind screaming danger, danger, danger, at him, but he forced himself to maintain contact. He’d wanted this for decades, wanted so desperately to touch and be touched and loved and comforted, but his own body was sending him the opposite signals, his breathing beginning to come in sporadic heaves and gasps. So focused on the contact he was that he missed what his friend was saying for a moment, only processing the last - “...force it.”
“Pardon?” Qifrey tore his gaze away from their hands, forcing himself to ignore the burning sensation it brought to his skin and the racing heartbeat that he could hear in his ears.
Olruggio looked horribly concerned, his brow furrowed. “You don’t need to do anything for my sake, okay? Don’t force contact that’s hurting you.”
“It isn't - I mean - I want - I want to -” Qifrey groaned, burying his face in his hands, his glasses pressing uncomfortably to his nose. “I want to. I-I want to be held - but I can’t - my body- I-”
“And I want to hold you.” Olruggio said quietly, “But we both know what that meant for you for a long time. Just because you know the tree is gone now doesn’t mean that all of your anxiety over it is going to disappear. It’s okay to take your time, Qifrey. We have the rest of our lives to figure this out. Together.”
“...together.”
Olruggio was silent for a moment, “I’m not going to let you figure this out by yourself anymore, Qif. We’re in this together. I’m here for you, always and forever.”
Qifrey hiccuped, more tears spilling over his cheeks. “I think I’m frightened.”
He felt Olruggio shift slightly, and his anxiety spiked at the thought of being touched again, at the thought that Olly might try to hug him or brush his tears away. But no such touch came, and it seemed that his friend had moved in the opposite direction, sitting slightly farther from Qifrey’s face. His voice was strained but determined as he said, “Then we’ll figure that out together too.”
Beldaruit had waited some hours before reentering his apprentice’s hospital room, not wanting to disturb the two men’s discussion, but worry nagging at him all the same. He had distracted himself for a while by showing off his spells and witnessing those created by his grand-apprentice’s, but it had only done so much to keep their minds off of things. He had, eventually, encouraged them to go to bed, the events of the past week finally seeming to catch up to their little bodies. The relief that they had experienced was only matched by their worry, but he made a promise to let them know should anything go wrong, and said that he would wake them early, should Qifrey be ready to see them again.
With the girls asleep (or, at the very least, in bed), and the muffled talk behind the door dying down a bit, he knocked lightly. After a moment, Olruggio opened it for him, his eyes slightly pink. “He’s okay.” He said in response to the flash of worry that Beldaruit felt pass over his face, “Hurting a bit, I think, but nothing that he’s not experienced before.”
“I can take it from here.” Beldaruit said, clasping one of Olruggio’s hands between his own. “Thank you for being with him.”
“I can’t imagine being anywhere else.” Like his words implied, Olruggio did seem hesitant to leave, but Beldaruit’s insistence that he rest and request to keep the girls from sneaking out at least got him to say a quiet I’ll be back to Qifrey before his exit.
Qifrey watched Beldaruit’s short journey to the edge of the bed, his hair a mess and his bangs, normally so perfectly positioned over his eyes with the spell from his glasses - now cracked a bit- slightly askew. Beldaruit knew the discomfort a stare at one’s differences could bring so he paid it no mind, placing his hands in his lap to prevent himself from reaching out and fixing the white locks. “How do you feel?”
Qifrey looked exhausted, having moved to lie down sometime during his conversation with his friend. He said as much, his voice strained. “...odd.”
“Odd?”
“I don’t know…numb.” Qifrey winced at some invisible pain, and Beldaruit felt like he was fifteen years younger, watching a young boy struggle to balance the weight of his horrific circumstances and the love freely offered to him by the two who properly knew him. He could practically see Qifrey’s mind offering him other words, other descriptions or requests, but the man had never let them past his lips before. Beldaruit had hoped that the removal of the tree would free his tongue as well, but it seemed it would not be so easy. “Nghh…”
“Is it your head?” Beldaruit asked, keeping his voice soft and quiet so as to not aggravate his condition. Instead of answering, Qifrey curled his hand into a fist and dug it into his empty eye socket, curling up on his side. “Would you like me to call the doctor? I’m sure they can give you something for it.”
Qifrey shook his head, “I don’t want…I can work through it.”
“You don’t have to.” Beldaruit murmured, unhappy to see the boy suffer so. “There is no need to hold onto your pain anymore, child. You don’t require it to survive. Not now.”
“I can’t.” Qifrey hissed, his whole body tensing.
“...it’s your choice.” Beldaruit sighed.
It was quiet for some time after that, Qifrey’s occasional hitch in breath or the tap-tap-tap of Beldaruit’s sealchair the only sounds as they simply kept each other company. Qifrey’s pain seemed to ebb slightly in that time, his hand falling from his face. He opened his eye and looked at his former mentor, “are…are the girls…?”
“Worried about their professor.” Beldaruit smiled softly, turning to face him properly. “But sleeping now. As is Olruggio. As you should be too, I dare say. You’re recovering from quite the experience.”
“I hate to frighten them.” Qifrey murmured.
“It’s hardly your doing.” Beldaruit waved his hand dismissively, “Worrying for someone you care about is natural. And I suspect that those girls care for you quite a bit. As we all do, you know.”
Qifrey hummed, but didn’t respond, pressing his face deeper into his pillow. Beldaruit was once again struck with the urge to brush his hair out of his face and tell him that everything was going to be okay, but he knew that that had a high chance of making things worse. For a man who was so strong and unbreakable most of the time, his cracks were like chasms once they started to show. Beldaruit could only hope that with time, he would allow those he loved to fill them.
“Professor Qifrey!” Tetia’s voice rang through the room early in the morning, announcing the presence of his apprentices before they had all followed her inside. They all looked slightly bedraggled, as if they had slipped on their dayclothes and come immediately to his hospital room - which Qifrey had no doubt that they had.
Richeh ran right up to his side. “Are you well, Professor?” She asked quietly, scanning his face.
“What happened yesterday?” Tetia bounced on her heels, wringing her hands. “We were so worried we did something wrong, are you-”
“Tetia, hush.” Agott put a hand on the girl’s shoulder, “Give him a moment.”
Qifrey pushed himself up, propping his back against his pillows. It took much more effort than he was used to, his arms trembling under the weight of his own body. “I’m fine, girls. I apologize for scaring you.” He held out his hand, a silent offer of trust that he’d been unable to give them the day before. Coco was the one to take it, her fingers tense in preparation for him to pull away or flinch.
When he didn’t, she smiled, “You’re feeling better?”
“Quite.” He matched her expression and squeezed her hand reassuringly. It didn’t burn as Olruggio and Beldaruit’s had - he had never desired to flinch from his girls, his protective instincts possibly overriding the fear. “I’m just tired.”
“Do you want to be alone?” Agott asked, clutching her robes tightly.
“No, no, not at all.” Qifrey shook his head, regretting it when the world began to spin. He let his head fall back against the wall, “No, I’m very glad to see you all. None of you are hurt, are you? I’m sorry I didn’t ask before.”
“Well you were kind of freaking out, I don’t blame you!’ Tetia crawled onto the foot of his bed as she had the night before, then paused, waiting for his reaction. He opened his free arm and she beamed, launching herself into his chest. At the contact his breathing hitched, but he took it in stride, allowing the girl the reassurance. “I’m so glad you’re okay, professor!”
“And no, none of us are injured. Just a couple of scrapes.” Agott said, reaching out awkwardly. “Tetia, be careful.”
“It’s quite alright, Agott.” Qifrey pulled his hand away from Coco to hug Tetia back, biting the inside of his cheek to ground himself a bit as a familiar anxiety rose in his gut. Danger, danger, danger. He breathed through it, focusing on keeping his teacher face on. It was difficult to do, phantom roots crawling in his gut.
Richeh frowned, patting his shoulder. He tensed further against his will. “Why were you crying?”
Qifrey let Tetia pull away, squeezing her hands. “I was simply overwhelmed when I first woke, I do apologize. I’m quite alright now.” He watched Tetia slip off of the bed to join the other girls in their little huddle, “I’m very proud of you all. You were very brave. Thank you.”
Coco smiled slightly, “We’re just glad everyone’s okay.”
“When can we go home?” Richeh asked.
Qifrey felt a familiar guilt stir in his stomach, “The doctors say I am to remain here for observation for a few days more, until they can…well, determine that the…the…” He pressed his lips firmly together, hating his body for seemingly pushing back against the words. “The tree. Is gone. Properly.” He grit out, doing his best to keep his voice level.
“You mean they don’t know!?” Tetia grabbed the closest hand to her - Agott’s - and clutched it desperately, fear suddenly shining in her eyes. “And they let us in here? What if-”
“Tetia, no, it’s alright! Everything is fine.” Qifrey reached out to her, placing his hand on top of her head. “It’s alright. That was a poor choice of words. Olruggio managed to burn it away completely, I promise. They just want to ensure that any traces that remain…well, it’s just a precaution. I promise.”
Tetia shuffled her feet, “...you’re sure?”
“They wouldn’t let us in if they suspected that it might be dangerous.” Agott said firmly, her glance up at Qifrey looking for assurance nonetheless.
“Agott is correct.” Qifrey said, shifting to press his weight against his pillows again. His head was beginning to pound again, his shoulders tense. “But regardless - the four of you may go back to our atelier, if you wish. Olruggio can keep an eye on you there, you needn’t wait for me.”
Coco shook her head, “We’ll wait for you!”
“Coco-”
“It doesn’t feel right to be there without you.” Richeh interrupted him, her firm tone leaving no room for argument. Stubborn little girl. “You wouldn’t leave our side if this had happened to one of us.”
“I am your teacher, Richeh.”
“I don’t care.”
“With all due respect, Professor Qifrey,” Agott said, standing up straighter. “We want to be home with you. We are perfectly happy to stay here until you’re better. And I don’t think that Professor Olruggio would be okay with leaving you here alone.”
Quifrey sighed, taking the defeat in stride and laying down on his side, facing his girls. “I won’t be able to convince you otherwise, will I?”
“Nope!” Tetia beamed, bouncing on her toes. “We care for you too much to listen!”
Qifrey chuckled softly, “Well then, you’d better find something to do. We may be here a while.”