Work Text:
・┈┈・┈┈ April ┈┈・┈┈・
Through the window in the door Ilya could see him laying in the hospital bed with his eyes closed. His arm was in a sling and his leg in a splint, but he was alive. He was alive.
Ilya took a deep breath, opened the door, stepped inside and closed it quickly behind him.
Shane’s eyes opened and looked up at him. For a split second his eyes were soft in that way that always made Ilya weak, but then his face hardened and he looked away.
“What are you doing here?” he muttered.
“I uh… I just wanted to…” Ilya took a breath and swallowed. “Are you okay?”
Shane scoffed. “Yeah, great thanks.” In his voice was a tone Ilya did not recognize, cold and grim.
“Marleau feels terrible he did not mean to hurt you,” Ilya blurted out monotonously.
Shane’s eyes shot back to him then in a vicious glare. “Oh, Marleau feels terrible, does he? And what do you want me to say to that, huh? ‘I know, part of the game. We all get our bell rung eventually, right?’” he mocked. “Fuck him! He should feel fucking terrible. If this means I won’t be able to play again I’ll never forgive him. You can tell him that.”
“Shane, I—”
“You should go,” Shane snapped as he looked away again.
“Shane…”
“No, you were right, we can’t be anything so let’s just stop. You can delete my number.”
“Shane.”
“Just get the fuck out, Rozanov!” Shane hissed as he whipped his head around. “I don’t want you here!”
Ilya clenched his jaw, nodded once then turned and crashed straight into a nurse walking through the door, now looking at him apologetically.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Rozanov, he’s—”
“No, is okay,” Ilya mumbled and then he was out the door.
This was fine. He was going to end it that night anyway. Shane was right. He had been right. This was what he wanted. So why did it feel like someone had kicked him so hard in the chest that he had lost the ability to take a proper breath?
・┈┈・┈┈ August ┈┈・┈┈・
When Ilya's alarm rang he cursed yesterday's version of himself that had agreed to a morning run with Marleau. What the hell was he thinking?
Without opening his eyes he reached for his phone to hit snooze, just five more minutes. But when he opened them to press the right button he sat up abruptly.
Shit.
Hi, you've reached Shane Hollander. I can't take your call right now, please leave a message and I'll get back to you.
Again.
Hi, you've reached Shane Hollander. I can't take your call right now, please leave a message and I'll get back to you.
And again.
Hi, you've reached Shane Hollander. I can't take your call right now, please leave a message and I'll get back to you.
Fuck fuck fuck.
He wouldn't. Shane wouldn't do that.
Ilya shot out of bed, grabbed the closest pair of jeans and tank top he could find and stuffed some extra t-shirts and underwear in his backpack. All the while he was frantically looking up the next available flight to Ottawa. 08.45. He had approximately an hour and 40 minutes to get to the airport and through security. He could make that. Fuck where was his passport?
Shit shit shit fuck.
Ilya was sure he wouldn't. He was sure. Not Shane.
He managed to order an uber as he looked for his passport. In between every click of his phone he would try Shane again. Every time, redirected straight to the same voicemail.
Hi, you've reached Shane Hollander. I can't take your call right now, please leave a message and I'll get back to you.
He wouldn't. He wouldn't, he wouldn't, he wouldn't.
When Ilya had retrieved his passport he shot out the door where Marleau scared him shitless, one hand raised to the doorbell.
“ГосподиGospodi/God! Fucking hell, Marleau!”
“...that doesn't look like appropriate running attire.”
“I can't! I– I need to go... I—” The panic made it frustratingly hard for him to string a sentence together, in English especially. He instead looked around Marleau, trying to will the uber to come around the corner.
Then he got a ping.
“ПиздецPizdets/Fuck!” The uber cancelled on him.
“Hey, Roz, are you good? What's going on? You're scaring me a little.”
“I just… I just need to get to the airport.”
Without another thought Marleau turned to walk back to his car as he said “okay, come on. I'll drive you.”
After approximately seven minutes on the road, Ilya whined “please, can you drive faster?” for the third time.
“If I drive any faster I won't be able to drive you anywhere because I'll be pulled over.”
Ilya groaned and looked out the window as he bit his nails.
“When’s your flight?” Marleau asked.
“08.45.”
“I didn't think you were going to Russia this year?”
“I'm not.”
“So… where are you going?”
“Why so many fucking questions, Marleau? Jesus!” Ilya snapped.
Marleau startled. “Woah, sorry man, just trying to be supportive. My fucking bad!”
Ilya sighed heavily as he turned back away. “Ottawa.”
“Is it uh… Jane?”
Ilya tensed, but then sighed again and nodded without taking his eyes off of the passenger window.
“Is he okay?”
Ilya whipped his head around to glare at Marleau then, who gasped as his eyes went wide.
“She! Uh, I meant she!”
When Ilya's glare didn't seize, Marleau exhaled and continued. “Fuck… sorry, man. Just… after the accident. You were a mess and went to visit him the morning after and… I don't know, I just sort of put some stuff together.”
Ilya paused, not sure what to say, he contemplated if it was worth trying to deny.
Then Marleau quickly added “I haven't told another soul, I swear.”
“Thank you,” Ilya said quietly.
“Why Ottawa and not Montreal though?” Marleau braved another question.
“He has a cottage there.”
“Do you have the address?”
“Fuck.”
He knew what the cottage looked like, and that it was in eastern Quebec. He'd memorized that much from the TV piece he pretended not to be invested in. Surely if he drove around enough he'd find it, but how long would that take?
“БлядьBlyad/Fuck!” Ilya put his head in between his knees.
He fucking wouldn't. Please fuck.
“Hey! Hey! You could ask Pike. They're tight right? Surely he would know?”
That was actually a good idea. Ilya sat up and tried to take a deep breath. “Yeah, okay.”
Marleau had barely parked at departures before Ilya threw his seat belt off and opened the door.
“Thanks for the ride,” he mumbled as he threw his legs out of the car.
“Hey uh… Roz. Please just uh… Please tell him how fucking sorry I am. I know it won't— but uh…”
Ilya could hear the tremble in Marleau’s voice and when he looked at him he could see the glisten that now covered his eyes.
He sat back, took Marleau by the shoulder and looked at him sternly. “Marleau, listen to me; It was an accident, it is not your fault. I promise you, Shane does not blame you, not at all. You need to try and stop blaming yourself, da?”
Ilya knew that was true. He knew that the Shane he met in that hospital room wasn't Shane, not really. It was fear and anger wrapped into displaced spiteful words, he knew that. Shit. He knew it and still he listened. He still left like a coward.
He didn't delete his number, he couldn't get himself to do that, but he didn't reach out, not even once. He had written a few texts over the past few months; on Shane's birthday, when Scott Hunter kissed his boyfriend on TV, late nights when the grief ached the most. But he was never brave enough to press send. He told himself Shane wouldn't want to hear from him. Such a fucking coward.
And now maybe he's… No. Shane fucking Hollander would not do that.
Hayden Pike
haydenpike35
Tues, Aug 29 at 8:36 AM
Ilya Rozanov
Hi. Do you know the address to Shane's cottage?
Hayden Pike
Rozanov? Wtf
Ilya Rozanov
Do you?
Hayden Pike
I mean yes but I'm not giving it to you? Why the hell would you even want it?
Ilya Rozanov
We are friends. I need to send get well basket.
Hayden Pike
Yeah right
I can send you the address to his P.O box.
Ilya Rozanov
I need the address to his cottage
Hayden Pike
No way, man
This is super sketch, I'm blocking you
Ilya Rozanov
Hayden, fuck!
I'm Lily
Hayden Pike
What?
Ilya Rozanov
Lily. Boston Lily
You know of this, yes?
Hayden Pike
Okay what the fuck is this? Low fucking blow to try and troll him at his lowest, man! Even for you!
Ilya Rozanov
I'm Lily
I need to see him
Please just give me the address
PLEASE
Hayden Pike
Why don't you just ask him?
Ilya Rozanov
Imessages don't deliver and calls go to voicemail, I think his phone is off
I'm jumping on a flight right now but I need the address, Hayden.
Fucking please!
Hayden Pike
Is he okay?
Ilya Rozanov
I don't know that's what I'm trying to find out
Address, Hayden!
Hayden Pike
https://maps.app.goo.gl/YGFfTK5rK
Ilya Rozanov
Thank you
Hayden Pike
Let me know if he's okay?
Ilya Rozanov
Okay
・┈┈・┈┈✈┈┈・┈┈・
One of Ilya’s pet peeves were people who would stand up as soon as the seat belt sign had turned off. The doors don’t open for another ten minutes at least, where did they think they would go? This time he was first to rise and at the front of the line, tapping his foot irritably as if that would magically make the ground crew work faster.
Hi, you've reached Shane Hollander. I can't take your call right now, please leave a message and I'll get back to you.
He ran most of the way through arrivals and to the closest car rental. When he was finally in the car after having to endure an excruciating amount of time on hockey small talk with the car dealer who had of course recognized him, Google maps said two hours. Ilya shaved it down to an hour and 15 minutes.
When the cottage finally emerged through all of the trees — there were so many fucking trees — something in Ilya’s stomach twisted. There was a Land Rover parked out front, Shane was definitely inside. Of course Shane drove a Land Rover.
For a split second he just sat there frozen and staring. Then he came to his senses, launched himself out of the car and rushed to knock — or more like bang — on the front door. No answer.
Hi, you've reached Shane Hollander. I can't take your call right now, please leave a message and I'll get back to you.
Thankfully Shane had built a glass house, so it was easy for Ilya to have a look inside. No sign of Shane, though there was one room with the blinds down. Ilya guessed that was the bedroom. He banged on the window, still no answer.
Hi, you've reached Shane Hollander. I can't take your call right now, please leave a message and I'll get back to you.
Shane was probably asleep. The text messages had been sent at 5am. He was probably asleep. Ilya decided to give it 30 more minutes, then he would break the glass of the front door.
Please Shane, don't be dead in there. I can't do it again. Please.
・┈┈・┈┈・┈┈・┈┈・
The first thing Shane noticed as he woke up was the crusty feeling of dried vomit on his chin and cheek and the god awful taste in his mouth. A realization struck him that there had been a chance of him not waking up if he wasn’t a compulsive side sleeper, then there was a faint glimmer of regret that he was. Not full on regret, just a glimmer. At least if he wasn't he wouldn’t have to deal with soiled bedsheets.
He went to turn around onto the unsoiled side of the bed, and in doing so rolled onto his phone. He tried unlocking it to check the time but ugh, it was dead so he had to force himself to sit up to reach for the charger. As he unlocked it he expected the usual notifications: another pandering text from his mom, a forced upon text from his dad, promotional emails from brand reps that still hadn’t caught on that he was a nobody now. What he did not expect was 17 missed calls from Lily.
Faint memories of last night — or this morning — rushed back to him. He held his breath as he scrolled through the evidence of what was probably the most embarrassing moment of his life. This was great, he thought he had already reached the bottom but this was definitely a new low. The regret from earlier started becoming a little more than a glimmer.
Shane had shot out of bed at Ilya’s command and was now standing just outside of his bedroom staring at the front door with his mouth wide open, eyes locked with Ilya's through the glass.
Ilya was there.
He carefully lifted his hand in a small wave, and when Shane was still frozen he used it to beckon him over. Shane hobbled his way over to the front door to open it.
“Hi. I’m sorry…” Ilya started as soon as the door opened. “I just… I thought maybe— your texts—”
“You’re here,” Shane blurted out.
“Yes. I can go if you want, I just needed—”
“You’re here.” Shane repeated, it seemed to be the only words he could conjure.
Then it actually sunk in. Ilya was there, standing on his cottage doorstep in the middle of nowhere. His face was not so different from the last time he had seen it in the hospital room; strained and nervous. Ilya had flown an hour and a half, driven two, because… he was worried about him? And Shane remembered the hospital room. He had been reeling over it ever since. He had been awful, but here Ilya still stood.
Shane's knees suddenly buckled and his eyes were quickly filling up. He hadn't cried once since the accident. He rarely ever did, not properly. Somewhere along the line he had learned that he shouldn’t. He wasn’t really sure why or from where, it wasn’t from his parents, but yet somehow it had been instilled in him. In desperate moments he would sob quietly — like he was hiding even when alone — until he would berate himself and put something on the TV instead. He had binged so much day time TV these past few months but would still not be able to recount any of it even with a gun to his head. It was just easier to dissociate if he fooled his brain that he was occupied with something.
So no, he hadn't cried, not properly. Not until now. Suddenly it was all pouring out of him, all the tears he had denied himself rushed out of him all at once. His hands were on his knees and he was wailing. Ilya had come all this way, but this would freak him out enough to have him rush into his car and drive off again, Shane was sure.
Instead Ilya rushed forward, pulled Shane up and into his arms. Shane just collapsed into them, if Ilya wasn’t holding him up he would fall to the ground.
“Y-you’re here,” he sobbed into Ilya's shoulder.
“Yes, sweetheart. I’m right here,” Ilya mumbled breathily into Shane's hair with relief in his voice.
After a moment Shane pulled his face up to look at Ilya, to make sure it was actually him. He had an urge to kiss him then, which reminded him of the taste in his mouth and in turn the absolute state of him. He looked down and noticed there was vomit on his shirt, the shirt that was now pressed into Ilya's.
He recoiled with a few stumbling steps back. “Fuck, I'm so sorry. I'm… I'm disgusting,” he snivelled as he wiped his running nose with the back of his hand.
“No, is okay.” Ilya reassured as he walked forward, immediately erasing the distance Shane had made. He gently placed his hands on Shane's hips and led him further back so they both could step inside.
“Let's take this off, yes?” he said as he grabbed the ends of Shane's shirt and pulled it off when there was no objection.
Then Shane caught how Ilya's eyes darted across his body, and how his face changed slightly. That made Shane aware of how different he must look now compared to the last time Ilya had seen him. Shane knew that his body had changed. He noticed it most when the t-shirts didn't hug his shoulders the right way anymore, and when he had to start tying the strings of his sweatpants tighter. Working out was another thing he hadn't done since the accident, even though he had a gym at his cottage. And he didn't dislike eating per se, but for the longest time it had been nothing more than a task with a specific purpose. Now when that purpose was gone it had just become another tedious chore to neglect.
“No, no. Don't hide from me,” Ilya protested when Shane folded into himself and wrapped his arms around his chest. He pried his arms back open and put them around his own neck instead. “You're gorgeous. Maybe just need a shower, hm? Where is your shower?”
Shane — seemingly unable to do anything other than to sob uncontrollably — just turned his head towards the bedroom and the en suite. With his hands still on Shane's hips and Shane's arms still wrapped around his neck, Ilya led them slowly through the bedroom. Shane winced as Ilya glanced towards the mess of the bed on the way to the en suite.
“You walk like old man,” Ilya remarked, probably in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“Fuck you! In case you haven't heard I had a catastrophic multi-ligament knee injury,” Shane muttered wetly.
“Almost five months ago. Maybe you should fire your physiotherapist.”
Shane just groaned. Not wanting to mention he already had.
“Take your clothes off,” Ilya ordered as he turned on the shower and checked the temperature. “Where do you keep bedsheets?”
“Ilya, no,” Shane whined. “Please don't, it's so gross, I—”
“I'll find it,” Ilya interrupted. “Get in the shower, I'll be right back.”
Shane did as he was told, stripped out of the rest of his clothes and stood under the shower. Ilya soon returned with some clean towels, he had found the linen closet then. He then also stripped and joined Shane.
He cleaned him like one would a baby, it felt both humiliating and so incredibly comforting at the same time. The incessant weeping didn't help Shane feel less like a baby. The fact Ilya was still there was unfathomable to him.
When Ilya was finished he stepped out of the shower, quickly toweled himself off, wrapped the towel around his waist, then held out the second towel for Shane. When he deemed Shane dry enough he put the towel around his waist as well, put some toothpaste on his toothbrush and handed it to him.
As Shane had spat out the last of the toothpaste remnants Ilya grabbed him by the jaw to direct his face just inches from his own. Oh how Shane had missed those fingers wrapped around his jaw.
“Do you think you can pause crying for just a minute so I can kiss you?” Ilya murmured.
Shane let out a snort, the closest to a laugh he had produced in a long time. He took a deep breath and nodded, still within Ilya’s grasp, eyes now fixed onto his lips.
Ilya smiled softly before he leaned in to press his lips onto Shane’s. As soon as he did it was like a thousand nerve endings all came alight at once, nerve endings that had been dulled and neglected for far too long. Shane let out a hum as he tangled his fingers into Ilya’s hair to pull him closer. He needed more. After approximately ten seconds of not crying he felt his eyes water again. He needed more. Need. Need. Need. He quickly deepened the kiss. He licked along the seam of Ilya’s lips until he was let in, then plunged his tongue into his mouth, tasting every bit of it and sucking his tongue into his own.
“Please... fuck me… please… I need you,” Shane begged in between hungry kisses. He crowded Ilya against the sink and practically climbed him in desperation, resulting in both of their towels falling to the floor.
A part of his brain was aware of how deranged he looked; like a desperate humping and whining puppy that was miraculously crying once again. He was also aware of Ilya’s concerned face and his “Shane, maybe we shouldn't—”
This was for sure going to freak him out enough. But Shane couldn’t stop himself. Need. Need. Need. “Please, I need it, please, please, I need you,” he babbled.
Then Ilya pulled Shane’s face off of his, his fingers once again wrapped around his jaw. He scanned Shane’s face sternly. Shane's eyes were half lidded, cheeks streaked with tears. He was both panting and sniffling at the same time which made breathing somewhat difficult. But there was no hint of doubt whatsoever for Ilya to find.
”Трахни меня, пожалуйстаTrakhni menya, pozhaluysta/Fuck me, please,” he whined. He knew it was a cheap trick, but he was desperate.
At that Ilya took a short breath in and opened his mouth. His eyes widened then went dark. “Ты меня убиваешьTy menya ubivayesh'/You’re killing me,” he growled as he hauled Shane up into his arms and carried him into the bedroom as Shane resumed attacking his face.
Ilya threw him onto the bed but then paused. “Does it hurt when you bend your knee?”
Shane groaned loudly while giving Ilya a pitiful look. He wanted Ilya to fold him in half, he wanted to be arched up as Ilya pushed his face into the mattress, he wanted to shoot to the floor and take him into his mouth. He wanted to feel full of him in all the ways that he could. But all the ways he could think of required bent knees.
That was one of the things that would make him sob. The want, no, the need to feel Ilya inside of him, to feel his strong hands map his body, to wrap his fingers into his curls and taste his mouth with his own. The need was just as strong and all consuming as it was at this moment, only then with the grief that followed from thinking it would never happen again. And just as strong was the grief for those moments they shared afterwards, the softness that had just started to bloom between them. The careful hope that had started to build, that perhaps those moments did not have to be limited to when they could hide behind the veil of them both being too fucked out. The hope that Shane had squashed with a few hateful words. So yes, he would sob. Until the berating thoughts reached him and told him to stop.
That is why Shane meekly shook his head.
“Shane. If I notice you are in pain or uncomfortable in any way I will stop and not fuck you until I am sure I can trust you again,” Ily scolded.
At that Shane whined like a damn brat. “Okay, fine, yes. It hurts a little… but, I want you to— I need—”
“Hush, мой щеночекmoy schenochek/my little puppy, I will give you what you want, hm?” Ilya cooed as he leaned down to grab Shane by his chin, then kissed him filthily. “What do you want?”
Everything, Shane wanted to say, but he supposed you had to start somewhere. “I want to taste you,” he panted against Ilya's lips. “I want to feel you in my throat.”
A growl escaped from Ilya's throat. He mumbled incoherently and quickly moved to prop a pillow towards the headboard. With a gesture he then ordered Shane to lean against it, and as soon as Shane obeyed he straddled his chest. Okay, this could work.
Shane couldn't help but moan at the first tap on his lips. The first feel of the silky skin on his tongue and the salty taste of the beads of precum that were sitting along Ilya's slit. He felt Ilya shiver as he took him into his mouth and swallowed him down bit by bit until he was touching his pubic bone with his nose. His throat burned so beautifully. He bobbed his head and swirled his tongue as he moved a hand to tug at his balls.
“Oh god, Hollander. Mmmm, fuck. Such a good mouth...” Ilya grunted as he carded his fingers through Shane’s hair with one hand and gripped the headboard with the other.
Shane looked up under his wet eyelashes at the praise and started hollowing his cheeks, making the grunts turn into broken moans. Ilya was so incredibly beautiful towering over him. The perspective made his chest look even wider, the lines of his face were so defined even when slackjawed and his piercing blue eyes sparkled under the heavy lids.
Oh how Shane had missed this. He placed his hands around Ilya's perfectly sculpted ass and pushed him further, urging him to fuck his face. Ilya eagerly obliged. This was what Shane wanted. For all of time. He just wanted to be someone — something — for Ilya to use. He never wanted it to stop.
But then to his utter dismay, it did. Ilya pushed his face up and off as he ducked away hastily. “Shit, Shane, I will cum.”
“I want more!” Shane demanded as he pushed against Ilya's palm, his voice hoarse.
Ilya let out a low giggle. “But is not what you asked for, is it, щеночекschenochek/little puppy?”
No it wasn't. Shane shook his head.
“What did you ask for?”
“Fuck me?”
“Mm-mm. Спроси меня по-русски, щеночекSprosi menya po-russki, schenochek/Ask me in Russian, little puppy.”
Shane blushed, but obeyed. ”Трахни меня, пожалуйстаTrakhni menya, pozhaluysta/Fuck me, please?” he stuttered, a little more self-conscious now.
Ilya grinned widely. “С радостьюS radost'yu/With pleasure.”
He pulled Shane down so he laid flat with his head on the pillow, then carefully turned him to his side, leaving his bad knee straightened underneath as he raised the good knee up over top, then he crowded him from behind. “This okay?”
Shane turned his upper body to be able to look at him and nodded.
Ilya did map his body with his hands then as he traveled down, following shortly with small kisses and licks. His fingers trailed down Shane's chest, stomach and side so softly, in that way that would drive him mad in any other circumstance. Well, it did drive him mad in this circumstance as well, but now the words had a totally different meaning. Now the fingertips were armed with small electric shocks that made his body shiver and his blood run straight down to his cock.
Ilya traveled all the way down and stopped at the globe of his ass. He kissed his cheeks as he shot electric shocks all over his back and inner thighs.
Shane hissed when the cold breeze touched his hole as Ilya spread him open, then whimpered when it was replaced with the warmth of Ilya’s tongue.
“Jesus fucking christ,” he moaned gutturally as Ilya swirled and lapped with reckless abandon. He gripped the pillow so hard his knuckles whitened in an attempt to stop himself from pushing his ass back into Ilya's face or grab his hair to push it in. He trusted Ilya to go at the pace that he needed. Afterall, Ilya almost knew his body better than he did himself. But as Ilya's tongue pierced past his rim Shane couldn't help but to wrap his fingers into his curls to urge him, just a little.
“Do you have condoms?” Ilya asked with panted breath as he rose back up to kiss Shane.
Crap. Condoms weren't something he thought he would need at his fortress of solitude. “No…” he answered mournfully. “I… I haven't been with anyone else. Well, there was one guy, or… two, sort of but… but I got tested after. I haven't been with anyone else since last time,” Shane rambled.
He then took a breath to try and not sound so needy when he pleaded “will you still fuck me?” As if that ship hadn’t sailed long ago.
“Me neither. I got tested last when—”
“I don't care,” Shane interrupted and went in for another kiss.
Ilya stiffened and grabbed Shane by the chin to stare him down. “You should care, Shane,” he said firmly.
“I meant… I meant I trust you,” he lied. He did trust him, that wasn't the lie.
Ilya narrowed his eyes as he continued. “I got tested two months ago, as a part of my physical and I was cleared. I have results on my phone if you want to see.”
“I trust you,” Shane repeated. Then he realized what Ilya had said. “Wait… ‘me neither’?
“What?”
“You said— you haven't been with anyone?”
This time it was Ilya's turn to blush. “No…”
“Not since last time? But that was months ago?” a dopey grin formed on Shane's face.
“Okay, okay…” Ilya rolled his eyes sheepishly. “Do you at least have lube?”
Shane thanked the gods or whatever was out there for his basic human urges still being somewhat intact, motivating lube onto the very sparse packing list.
He hastily reached over to rummage through his nightstand to collect the bottle and hand it to Ilya, who proceeded to prop Shane back into place in front of him. Then he slicked his finger up and while filthily kissing, nipping and sucking along Shane’s neck he let it travel down to find his entrance.
As Ilya pushed his finger into him and started fucking him with it Shane's arm flew around Ilya's neck and his hand gripped tightly at the hair at his nape.
“Ilya, oh my god. F-fuck,” he cried out, since it had taken Ilya not but a few seconds to find and attack his prostate. Shortly another finger joined in the attack, then started scissoring him open.
Shane squirmed and arched into Ilya's hand, digging his nails in where his fingers were still wrapped. It was so so much but yet he needed more. “Ilya, mmmmfuck, I'm ready,” he mewled after not much time had passed.
“Are you sure is what you want?” Ilya asked.
“Yes, yes, yes.”
“Actually sure? Because I could easily…” he teased as he went straight for Shane's prostate again, sending jolt after jolt of pleasure through him.
“Oh s-shit, fuck. Yes, okay? I'm sure, fuck. I want your cock in me, jesus christ, just fucking fuck me with your stupid dick!”
Ilya let out a surprised laugh. “Stupid dick, huh?”
Shane looked back at him abashed and rolled his eyes. Then he mumbled “yeah, really fucking stupid. No idea why you're here,” as he turned his head around and closed his eyes.
Ilya removed his fingers and Shane let out a sigh of relief when he could feel the tip of Ilya's cock working to replace them. As he was slowly pushing further in, he took Shane's face and redirected it back around to face him. His eyes pierced into Shane's as he said “I'm here because I want to be.”
Shane stared frozen for a second then glanced away and repeated, “s-stupid…”
Ilya stroked Shane softly over his chest as he bottomed out and breathed “I’ve missed you,” with his lips lightly pressed onto the sensitive skin of Shane’s side. Every movement of his lips sent a tingle throughout Shane’s body.
Shane felt so incredibly full, in a way he never thought he ever would again. Every painfully slow thrust buried into him so deep and felt so amazing that all of them forced out wrecked moans and whimpers. He bit down hard on his bottom lip when he felt his eyes burning again, he could not do any more crying. “I’ve missed you too. So fucking much,” he whispered back.
When Shane opened his eyes to look at Ilya — as he looked onto that face — he knew. He had always known, in isolated moments like this throughout the years. When Ilya was totally blissed out with eyes blown and barely open but still burning with desire. Face flushed, mouth ajar and breath heavy. In this very moment Ilya couldn’t hide. The feeling that neither of them had dared to put to words was there, so prominent on his face. When the moment was gone and Ilya put his sarcastic and distant mask back on and Shane attempted to put on his own, it was easy to tell himself he had just imagined it. But in this very moment it was so crystal clear and Shane knew he was adored. Maybe even—
He cradled Ilya’s face with both hands as he gazed down at him. He wondered if Ilya could see the same thing on Shane’s face too. God, he hoped so, because oh God how he felt it. He let one hand go to trace his thumb along the vein that had popped on Ilya's forehead glistening with sweat, down along the lines of his soft lips, then he slipped it inside of his open mouth. A groan crashed out of him as Ilya started suckling around it.
Then the thrusts became more erratic and Shane could tell Ilya was starting to lose his bearings, and Shane lost his in turn. His hands could not rest, they drifted from fisting Ilya’s hair to grabbing his chest to gripping his face. He just wanted to touch him, touch all of him. He was so painfully hard and leaking all over the newly made bedsheets and Ilya felt like he belonged inside of him.
“Сильнее, пожалуйстаSil'neye, pozhaluysta/harder, please,” Shane moaned. “I want to feel you inside me forever.”
Ilya pretty much howled. “You're a fucking… f-fuck.” Then he sunk his teeth into the skin where his lips had so softly caressed just moments ago. Shane yelped at the sensation, pain and pleasure working in tandem. He couldn’t wait to see the mark on him in the mirror. Ilya's mark.
Ilya took a firm grip around Shane's good knee to plunge as deep and as hard as the position would let him, a grunt paired with every snap of his hip. All bearings now officially lost.
“Oh my god, Shane, I’m going to…” Ilya cried out.
“Yes, please. Fill me up,” Shane whimpered. “I want to feel you dripping out of me. Please.”
Just a second later he could feel Ilya starting to tremble and then go still as his release pulsed inside of him, which spurred Shane’s orgasm to shatter through him like a shockwave. Ropes of his own release hit his stomach and further soiled the bedsheets.
Ilya crashed down beside him and wrapped his arms tightly around his waist as they both tried to catch their breath.
After a while — long after their breaths had been caught — Ilya moved to pull out and get up but Shane whined and pulled his arm tighter around his body. “Just a little longer, please?”
Ilya laid back with a soft giggle and a kiss on the back of Shane’s head.
A moment later — when Shane had almost drifted off to sleep — Ilya made a second attempt. Shane whined again but Ilya insisted. “I have to clean you up, Hollander. I will be back, yes?”
As Ilya pulled out Shane was reminded of what he had begged for. His cock made a feeble attempt at a twitch at the feeling of Ilya dripping down his asscheek.
When Ilya was finished cleaning them both up, Shane pulled him back down and his arms back around him where they belonged. Ilya sat up on one elbow and grinned at him. “Since when did you start speaking Russian?”
“I downloaded Duolingo after our phone call,” Shane admitted. “I felt bad you couldn't talk to me about stuff. Like, properly. I tried doing it every day but then after… I'm sorry, I haven't—”
“Ah, so owl teach you to beg me to fuck you?” Ilya interrupted with brows raised.
Shane blushed. “No… I googled that.” Then he smirked. “You said they were useful phrases, I think you were right.”
“Mm, yes I think so,” Ilya agreed as he laid back down and pulled Shane in closer. “Did you learn any other useful phrases?”
Shane turned to look at him with a shit eating grin as he cooed, “да, серda, ser/yes, sir.”
“НетNyet/No!” Ilya groaned and palmed Shane's face away. I am too tired to ravage you again so soon.”
After a few blissful moments of just feeling Ilya’s warmth along his back and listening to him breathe, Ilya broke the silence. “Hey.”
“Mm?” Shane mumbled and turned to look at him, still pleasantly dazed.
“You are not nothing,” Ilya said adamantly.
What an asshole. Shane had just stopped crying.
“You are Shane fucking Hollander. You have won not one but two Stanley cu—”
“But that was—”
“No, Hollander. That is still you. You did that. Not just with your body, with your brain. And there is so much in hockey you could do—”
“It's not the same,” Shane quickly dismissed.
“I know, I know. And it fucking sucks, Shane. And that is okay. But it does not mean that you are done. And when it starts sucking a little less, you still have hockey if you want it. But you are Shane fucking Hollander with or without hockey. You have so much worth. You are so smart and passionate about whatever you put your mind to. You are incredibly kind and so fucking charming without even trying. You are worthy because you are you, not because you play hockey.”
Then he paused and looked away before he continued, more apprehensively this time, but still certain. “And you have me. However long you want, you have me.”
“Forever? Can I have you forever?” Shane breathed. The words slipped out of him so fast he didn't even have a chance to think.
Ilya's eyes shot back to Shane in surprise and his face hardened. Shit, this was actually it. This was the moment Shane finally freaked him out enough.
But then his bottom lip started trembling as tears started pooling in his eyes. His lips pulled into a shaky smile as he nodded and croaked out a “da.”
Then he grinned widely and kissed Shane so passionately. Shane could still feel the grin on his lips and the wetness of his cheeks.
Ilya rolled on top of him and laid kisses all over his face and down his neck. Then Shane could hear him whisper “Я тебя люблюya tebya lyublyu/I love you.”
That one the owl had taught him. “Holy shit.”
Ilya quickly shrugged back and stared at him with wide and wet eyes. He opened his mouth as if to take it back but no words came out.
“Я тоже тебя люблюYa tozhe tebya lyublyu/I love you too,” Shane added swiftly as he realized what had actually come out of his mouth.
Ilya looked shocked, as if he hadn’t been the one to say it first. Then he exhaled deeply as he collapsed onto Shane’s chest. “Fuck, Hollander,” he sniffled.
“Oh my god, I love you so much,” Shane breathed out in utter relief as he hugged him tightly.
They spent the rest of the day in bed watching trash TV. Shane paid as much attention to the TV as he normally did, but this time it wasn’t because he was dissociating, but because he had a very beautiful man to cuddle and make out with. A very gorgeous man who loved him.
Ilya was there, and he wasn't running away.
After a little while they were rudely interrupted by Ilya’s grumbling stomach, and they realized that neither of them had had anything to eat all day. Ilya reached for his phone to order takeout but froze as he unlocked it.
“Shit…” he muttered.
“What?”
Ilya looked up at Shane at that and then gasped when something else seemed to dawn on him. “Shit! Oh fuck...”
“Ilya, what? You’re making me nervous!” And he was. He looked panicked, why did he look panicked?
Ilya scrubbed at his face and swallowed. “So… I had to get your address, da?”
“Right.” Shane hadn’t thought about that. “How did you do that exactly?”
“I asked Pike…”
“You asked Hayden?” Shane burst out. “And he just gave it to you? To you?” It was no secret that Hayden wasn't exactly Ilya's biggest fan.
“Well, not at first. He was being very annoying actually,” Ilya huffed. “But…”
“But?”
Ilya inhaled and spat out “I told him I was Lily.”
Shane's jaw clenched immediately.
“I’m so sorry Shane. I was desperate and I… I just… I needed to get to you.”
Panic started to slowly creep up. Hayden knew Ilya was Lily. Hayden knew Shane was gay.
“I’m so sorry,” Ilya repeated.
The tone of his voice made Shane tear himself from his spiral to look at him. He was really sorry, Shane could tell. He seemed afraid. Shane quickly realized he shouldn’t be. Ilya had picked the safest option for Shane, and in turn risked his own safety. He must have been really worried to do that. Maybe Shane should reread his own texts.
“It’s okay,” he reassured at last. “If I were to tell anyone it would probably be him anyway. What did he say?”
“Nothing much, just asked me to tell him that you were okay. Which is why he is now blowing up my phone.”
Hayden Pike
haydenpike35
Tues, Aug 29 at 1:43 PM
Hayden Pike
So is he okay?
Tues, Aug 29 at 2:34 PM
Hayden Pike
Rozanov?
Tues, Aug 29 at 3:15 PM
Hayden Pike
Come on, your flight landed 5 hours ago and it only takes like 2 hours to drive
Tues, Aug 29 at 3:46 PM
Hayden Pike
Man wtf! Hello???
Tues, Aug 29 at 4:29 PM
Hayden Pike
Dude, don’t fucking make me drive there
Ilya Rozanov
Sorry!
He is OK! (thumbs up emoji)
Hayden Pike
Asshole! Did it have to take you 4 fucking hours?
Ilya Rozanov
We were busy (shrugging emoji)
Hayden Pike
Busy with what???
Ilya Rozanov
Shane will not let me tell you
But here is clue (hand gestures emojis)
Hayden Pike
Wow you’re such a dick
Can not see what Shane sees in you
Ilya Rozanov
Well for one, he sees my big DHJJogkho
Hi Hayden, it’s Shane
Sorry for worrying you
Hayden Pike
Hey, bud! Don’t fret, just glad you’re alright.
Look
I’m so sorry
I should have tried to reach out more
Ilya Rozanov
That’s okay
You’ve had a lot going on
I’ve been a shitty friend
How’s uh… Amber, right?
And Jackie?
Hayden Pike
You’re so off the hook, man.
Amber and Jackie are doing great. Did you see the pics?
Ilya Rozanov
Yeah she’s real cute
Hayden Pike
Seems we have a lot to catch up on huh?
Ilya Rozanov
Yeah, I guess
I’m sorry for not telling you
Hayden Pike
Don’t be. I just hope you know you could.
Ilya Rozanov
I know
Hayden Pike
Can I call you sometime?
Ilya Rozanov
Sure
Hayden Pike
Love you, bud
Ilya Rozanov
Love you too, Hayd
“So you love, Hayden?” Ilya asked teasingly.
“Shut up!” Shane scoffed as he pushed him lightly on the chest.
“You don’t hate me then?” Ilya asked more seriously.
“Nope, I kinda love you actually,” Shane said smugly.
“More than Hayden?”
“Definitely differently than Hayden.”
Ilya frowned dramatically as he crossed his arms.
“Okay, yes. Much more than Hayden. Happy?”
“Mm, very happy,” Ilya murmured and kissed Shane loudly.
Then he remembered, “oh and… Marleau knows too.”
“Ilya!”
“I didn’t tell him, I promise!” Ilya exclaimed with his arms in the air. “He already figured it out.”
“Fuck, Marleau…” Shane cringed. “You didn’t actually tell him what I—”
“No, no. Of course not.”
“Okay good,” Shane sighed. Then he cringed again. “Ilya I’m so sorry for—”
“No, Shane. You were hurting, I get it. You don’t need to apologize. I’m so sorry for listening. I should have reached out, I wanted to but…” He sighed defeatedly. “I’m so sorry.”
“No, it’s my fault. I pushed you away,” Shane insisted.
Ilya clicked his tongue then rose to push his forehead onto Shane’s. “Can we just agree we were both idiots?”
“Okay,” Shane chuckled.
When it was time for sleep and they were cuddled up in bed again after only getting up to collect the takeout, toilet breaks and to brush their teeth with their pinkies linked, Shane was doing his regular dance of moving from side to side, moving his legs in and out.
“Боже мойBozhe moy/Oh my god! Do you have worms?”
“Sorry, I… I can make up the guest room if I’m disturbing you.”
“No!” Ilya clipped. “What is problem?”
“I just have a hard time sleeping is all.”
Even in the dark Shane could see the incredulous glare Ilya gave him.
Shane huffed. “Well, I don’t think getting wine drunk is seen as an ideal coping mechanism. I can’t recommend it anyway. You might send very embarrassing drunk texts to some guy you broke up with.”
“Mm,” Ilya mumbled distantly. “What is hard? Falling asleep?”
“It’s just hard to get comfortable.”
“Maybe put pillow under knee?”
“I don’t have a pillow for that.”
“Hollander, what are these?” Ilya asked as he gestured towards the pile of throw pillows on the floor.
“They are decorative.”
“Okay? What about guest room pillows?”
“They are for the guest room.”
“...are you expecting guests?”
“No.”
Ilya shook his head and got out of bed. He came back with a pillow from the guestroom that he propped in between Shane’s knees. “There, see if that helps?”
“I love you.” The words felt so right on Shane’s tongue and it felt so freeing to allow himself to think it. I love you I love you I love you.
“I love you too, Малышmalysh/baby,” Ilya said as he pushed his arm under Shane’s neck, wrapped the other one under his armpit and tight around his chest where his arms met and clasped.
Shane pushed hard into him, wanting to be as close as he possibly could.
Then Ilya flinched and craned his neck to look at Shane. “You didn’t do your exercises yet!”
“What exercises?”
“For your knee? Physio?”
Shane pursed his lips.
“You do have exercises right?” Ilya asked with furrowed brows.
“I mean, sure," Shane shrugged.
“Do you do them?”
“Not lately.”
“When did you last do them?”
“Before I got here, I guess.”
“And when was that?”
“...end of April?”
“Shane!" Ilya exclaimed. "Why are you not doing your exercises?”
“I won’t ever be good enough to play hockey again, so what’s the use?”
“Maybe you can stop walking like old man?” Ilya deadpanned.
“Fuck off!" Shane huffed and turned around. "Can we sleep now?”
・┈┈・┈┈・┈┈・┈┈・
Shane woke up alone in bed, which did give him a fright for a split second, but he was relieved when he heard music blaring from the kitchen.
That was the only positive feeling he was left with, though. He had felt so good yesterday, he had been riding such a blissful wave that he was sure would last forever. Until he woke up. As soon as he opened his eyes he noticed that the wave had ebbed and left him to sink back to his usual spot at rock bottom.
After forcing himself out of bed he stumbled out to the kitchen and noticed it was in a much better state than he remembered leaving it. Then he spotted Ilya over the stove, who turned as he heard him come in.
“Good morning, Солнышкоsolnynshko/sunshine!” I’m making blueberry pancakes,” he exclaimed excitedly.
As Shane scrunched his nose involuntarily Ilya added “they are made with almond flour, basically healthy. If you still do that macrowhatever I can make something else.”
“No, it's fine,” Shane sighed. “I didn't know I had blueberries.”
“No, your fridge was very sad. I went grocery shopping.”
“What? When?” Shane looked at the time on his phone. “It's 10am?”
Ilya chuckled. “You slept like a baby. Pillow helped, ah?”
That and the warm body pressed to his back, Shane thought.
Then Ilya looked at him and frowned. “Hey, why so glum?”
“Oh, nothing. Just that my life is over,” Shane muttered.
“Mm-mm. You walk like old man, you act like old man, but you are very young with very much life left.”
Shane just scowled at him. Ilya came to wrap his arms around him then.
“This is my nightmare, Ilya. I'm living my actual nightmare,” Shane mumbled as he bonked his forehead onto Ilya's.
“Then maybe it's time to wake up, yes?”
Shane groaned in response.
“Hey, I know what you need,” Ilya said as he rubbed Shane up and down his back.
“A gun?”
Ilya shrugged back to peer at him.
“It was a joke,” Shane clarified bitterly.
“I would not go with comedian as new career,” Ilya deadpanned as he let go to walk over to his phone connected to the speakers. “No, you need Natasha Bedingfield.”
“Who?”
“Oh, Hollander,” Ilya pandered as he changed the song.
“I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined.” he started very enthusiastically as he swung his hips and kept full on eye contact. “I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned.”
As much as Shane wasn’t made to be a comedian, he thought singing was perhaps not an ideal career choice for Ilya. Not that that deterred him now, not one bit. Shane had to put an effort in to keep the corners of his mouth from rising.
“Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window,” Ilya sang along as he slithered his way towards Shane.
“Really?” Shane grumbled as he rolled his eyes.
“Let the sun illuminate the words that… you could not find,” Ilya continued, unperturbed.
“You'll burn the pancake,” Shane remarked, trying to seem unamused.
Ilya quickly went to flip the pancake, then got right back on to business.
“Reaching… for something in the distance…” he sang as he reached for Shane again, pulled him into his arms and started swaying. “So close you can almost taste it.”
“Ugh, Ilya!” Shane snarled as Ilya licked a long stripe all across his cheek.
“Release your inhibitions!” Ilya yelled, still very much unperturbed.
Through the first chorus Shane was still sulking, but when it came around a second time he was dancing. Mostly still involuntarily, but a little on his own accord. He had given up the fight with his face where a smile had forced its way on. The third time the chorus came around he couldn’t help but join in.
“Feel the rain on your skin! No one else can feel it for you! Only you can let it in! No one else! No one else can speak the words on your lips! Drench yourself in words unspoken! Live your life with arms wide open! Today is where your book begins!
The rest is still unwritten.”
When the song had finished Shane was laughing, still enclosed in Ilya’s arms. He was full on belly laughing. His life still sucked, but because of this stupid song, and because of this stupid boy, maybe, maybe, it sucked just a little less.
“So you do know this, ah?” Ilya teased.
“It was always on the radio, hard to miss,” Shane mumbled defensively. Now remembering all the times it would come on during school pick up, his mom always turning the radio up a little when it did. Ugh, he should text his mom.
“Now you will listen to Natasha Bedingfield wise words, da? Arms wide open, Солнышкоsolnynshko/sunshine!” Ilya exclaimed as he threw Shane's arms open and held them up in the air.
When Ilya went back to the pancakes and Shane leaned onto the island to watch him, he noticed wine bottles all heaped up in a crate on the floor.
“What is all that about?” he asked, gesturing towards them.
“You are not allowed to drink wine ever again,” Ilya said as he waved his finger at Shane over his shoulder.
Shane tutted. “I can't just have an empty wine rack.”
“Is not empty,” Ilya stated matter of factly into the pan.
Shane instantly went around the corner to investigate and was met with a wine rack filled with several different kinds of bottles of ginger ale.
“I know is not what you normally drink. There is case of Canada Dry in fridge. These are just decoration,” Ilya explained quickly from where he had followed behind him. “Found fancy shop that sold them on the way to grocery store. Thought it was more you.”
Shane stood staring at the rack with his mouth ajar, then at Ilya, in complete awe. “I don’t deserve you.”
“It’s just soda, Hollander,” Ilya mumbled with a shrug as he wiped at his nose.
Shane pulled him in and hugged him tightly. “Thank you,” he whispered. He wondered if it was possible to get dehydrated from an excess amount of crying, something worth googling.
“You made a schedule?” Shane asked as he poked into his pancakes slathered in way too much syrup. Syrup that Ilya had put on with a dramatic sigh after Shane had answered “I don't know” to Ilya asking if he liked syrup on his pancakes. He actually sort of did, it turned out.
“Mhm,” Ilya answered mouth full of pancakes of his own.
| ◯ | Breakfast: blueberry pancakes |
| ◯ | Yoga |
| ◯ | Morning fuck |
| ◯ | Cuddle |
| ◯ | Physio |
| ◯ | Gym |
| ◯ | Shower (blowjob?) |
| ◯ | Lunch: hotdogs |
| ◯ | Kissing (fuck if not too full) |
| ◯ | Swim in lake |
| ◯ | JETSKIS? |
| ◯ | Fuck |
| ◯ | Cuddle |
| ◯ | Physio |
| ◯ | Dinner: burgers |
| ◯ | Firepit |
| ◯ | You know… |
“Why is every other activity sex?”
“Mmm, no, see, that one says blowjob. And that one is just kissing. Sex is optional.”
“Yoga?” Shane noted. “I can't do yoga.”
“Yes, you can. I found program adapted for knee injury.”
“You did?” Shane asked weakly.
“You're going to cry again?” Ilya asked with a smirk.
“Fuck off!” Shane kicked him on the shin. Then he saw ‘gym’ and frowned.
“We don’t have to if you don’t want,” Ilya assured. “I just know it used to make you feel good, yes?”
“Yeah, it did, but…”
“But?”
“I can't do all the workouts in my workout routine anymore. No rowing machine, no squats—”
“You can do some of them?”
“I mean, yeah.”
“So why not do those?”
“It's not a complete routine,” Shane explained.
“Боже мойBozhe moy/Oh my god! Hollander!” Ilya exclaimed incredulously. “Then you find other workouts to replace the ones you can not do? You adapt?”
Shane couldn’t really argue with that, so just huffed and went back to poking at his pancakes.
To his surprise Ilya joined for yoga, and promised to not moan or make fun. He would save the moaning for later, he had said. Shane had forgotten the tranquil feeling he got from yoga, how it calmed every part of him. Even Ilya had laid splayed and dazed on his mat for a while.
Then Ilya had called in a favour with a physiotherapist that helped Shane adapt his workout routine over a phone call, which actually didn’t need too much adapting.
Even though some of the more salacious activities had turned into naps and more cuddling, the morning fuck and a blowjob was ticked off. Although Ilya did not last into the shower, he blamed Shane for looking too sweaty and sexy doing his lateral raises. Ilya had dropped his weights with a bang and taken the few steps needed to drop to his knees, bringing Shane’s shorts and briefs with him.
At the end of the night when Shane was sitting in front of the fire with Ilya’s head in his lap and his fingers wrapped up in his curls, he felt content and sated in his body and mind in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time.
“Thank you, Ilya,” he said.
“For what?”
“Coming here. I was so pathetic and embarrassing but you still came. All this way. I still can't believe it.”
“I had to come.”
“No, you really didn’t,” Shane snorted.
“No you don’t understand, Hollander,” Ilya insisted. “I had to. I had to make sure you were okay and not…”
“Not what?”
Ilya squirmed a little, then exhaled through his nose. “My mother, she… she swallowed a bottle of pills.”
Shane stiffened instinctively, then panicked because he didn’t want Ilya noticing him stiffening, which only made him stiffen more. “How old were you?”
“Twelve, I found her.”
Wait, was that why he— Did he think— Shane’s head flooded with every stupid and insensitive thing he had said or done.
“Oh my god, Ilya… Fuck... I’m so sorry! If I knew I—”
“Hey, no.” Ilya turned to look up at him. “Do not apologize for how you feel.”
“It’s not… that’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“I don’t know,” Shane answered honestly.
“Can we talk about it?”
Shane shrugged and started pulling at his eyelashes.
“I just…” Ilya sighed. “I worry. About you.”
“You don’t have to.”
“You do not take care of yourself, you do not eat—”
“I eat.”
“Yeah? What did you eat before I got here?”
“I don't know. Stuff.” Shane shrugged again.
“Shane, your fridge was practically empty. All that was in there were eggs and expired yoghurt.”
“Well, I eat eggs and… unexpired yoghurt.”
Ilya shook his head as he looked at him somberly. “It’s like you have just given up on living.”
Shane swallowed. “Look, I… I don’t want to die or anything. You don’t have to worry about that.”
“I don’t think not wanting to live is much better than wanting to die.”
“I do now…” Shane said meekly.
Ilya smiled softly. “I am very flattered, Малышmalysh/baby. But you cannot live for just one person, is not healthy.”
Shane winced in embarrassment then mumbled, “there’s nothing else.”
“We will find other things,” Ilya answered determinedly.
Shane grinned. “We?”
Ilya grinned back. “Yes. If I remember correctly I agreed to forever. You better get used to things being an us problem from now on.”
“Okay.” Shane’s hand resumed scratching Ilya’s head. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Ilya purred as his eyes fluttered closed.
“And I'm so sorry about your mom, Ilya.”
Ilya opened his eyes then and turned back to face the fire. “Me too.”
“What was her name?”
“Irina.”
“Could you tell me about her? Only if you want to.”
Ilya didn't answer for a while, but just as Shane was about to apologize for intruding he quietly said “she was very funny. And beautiful. But very sad. My dad was very mean to her.”
“I wish I could have met her.”
“Me too. She would have loved you,” Ilya almost whispered, then he buried his head deeper into Shane’s lap. Shane tangled his free hand into Ilya's and squeezed.
After a long moment of silence Shane asked the question that had been nagging on him all day. “When do you have to leave?”
“Never,” Ilya grumbled.
"Yes, you do. When does training camp start?”
Ilya looked up at him hesitantly. “You sure you want to talk about that?”
Shane shrugged. “It’s fine. It’s still a part of your life.”
“17th of september.”
“I mean— I don’t mean— You obviously don’t have to stay until then.”
“I want to if I can,” Ilya said to Shane’s utter relief.
“You can.”
Shane suddenly realized he was in a bubble. Well, he had been for quite some time but now Ilya was in it with him and the bubble had transformed, but soon enough he wouldn’t be. What would happen to them then? He supposed that they could keep meeting in secret, but the thought of that stung more than it used to. And it made the gears in his brain start turning.
“I’m a free agent next season,” Ilya said out of the blue. His gears seemingly turning too.
“Okay?”
“Yeah.”
“What? You’re thinking of not signing with Boston?”
“I thought maybe Canadian team. Would love to not have Russian passport and America isn’t great for Russians right now.”
Shane didn’t respond and Ilya didn't elaborate further, but that night Shane couldn’t sleep, and it wasn’t because of his knee. He was sitting straight up staring into the dark, listening to Ilya’s soft snores as the gears kept on turning. Until he finally had enough. He turned the lamp on and started carefully nudging Ilya awake.
“I have an idea,” he said as soon as Ilya’s eyes blinked open.
“What idea? What is happening?”
・┈┈・┈┈・┈┈・┈┈・
・┈┈・┈┈ October ┈┈・┈┈・
- Jane
- Finished at the gym
- Lily
- Jesus fucking christ, Hollander!
- You can't send thirst trap when I'm in the middle of locker room!
- Now they will wonder why I can't undress to go shower!
- Jane
- Shut up!
- It's not a thirst trap
- It's an accountability picture
- That you make me send!
- Lily
- True
- You're so fucking hot though
- Have you eaten?
- Jane
- I had a protein shake
- Lily
- Shane...
- Jane
- I'll have a big lunch
- Lily
- Good boy
- Jane
- ...
- I hate how much I liked that
- Lily
- (purple devil emoji)
- Jane
- I think I deserve a thirst trap now
- Lily
- Well, you are in luck
- Marley keeps taking pictures of me like paparazzi and just took this
- Says he needs to conserve memories or whatever
- Jane
- Oh my god
- How did I get so lucky?
- Lily
- Freckles
- Jane
- (face with rolling eyes)
- Lily
- It's today you're driving back home, da?
- Jane
- Yeah
- After the job interview
- Unless I don't get it, then I'm coming straight back here
- Lily
- Of course you'll get it
- It is just formality
- You are Shane fucking Hollander
- Jane
- I don't know
- Lily
- I do
- Jane
- Oh, I got this today
- Lily
- That was quick
- Jane
- Don't have much else to do
- I put some meetings in our calendar
- Lily
- Yes I saw
- You really contacted Tamia Naidu to book for 8 months from now?
- Jane
- It's important
- I wanted her, she's good and I know she'll do us justice
- You sure you still want to do it?
- We don't have to
- Lily
- Shane
- I don't want anything more
- Jane
- Well, you'll have 8 months to change your mind
- Lily
- I won't.
- Jane
- I love you
- Jane
- Lily
- Good boy (heart emoji)
- Jane
- (smiling face with smiling eyes emoji)
・┈┈・┈┈ June ┈┈・┈┈・
The rivalry that never was
Meet the future husbands of hockey
BY TAMIA NAIDU
JUNE 24, 2018
I stop at a beautiful house down the road of a quaint Ottawa neighborhood. The door is opened by none other than hockey legends Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov. As they welcome me in Shane — which he insists I call him — apologizes for the mess and explains that they have just moved in a couple of days ago (the mess being a few boxes stacked in the hallway).
I am ushered to a blue couch where there are an array of snacks lined up on the coffee table in front, and we start the interview that I never could have predicted.
Shall we address the big elephant in the room? You two — Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander, the biggest names in the NHL and alleged rivals — have invited me to your home where you now live together as a couple.
“Yes, welcome!” Ilya says with a grin and a clap on Shane’s thigh.
Obvious first question is when did this start?
The couple looks at each other and chuckle. “It is a complicated question,” Ilya explains.
“Seriously, we're coming up on a year but we have been… involved for many years,” Shane adds.
Then the couple heatedly discuss if I should or should not put what Ilya said next in this article. They come to a consensus that I should not, but Ilya implores the reader to use their imagination.
More seriously then Ilya says, “we have loved each other for much longer than we admitted, to each other but also to ourselves.” Shane nods in agreement.
What took you so long to admit that?
“I struggled with my sexuality for a very long time,” Shane explains. “Growing up in a sport built on macho culture and homophobic locker room lingo, I felt that there was something wrong with me. As an Asian man in a white dominating sport I already knew how it was to feel different, to be judged or feel less than merely because of something that you can't do anything about. I've always felt the need to prove myself, to push harder than everybody else, to show that I'm not different and that I deserved to be there. And so being gay on top of that was just not an option for me.”
“And well, for the longest time communication wasn't really our strong suit,” he adds.
“I did not struggle with my sexuality like Shane,” Ilya says. “I have known I was into men as well as women for a long time and accepted that. But being out was never an option, since it is illegal where I come from. It means I am not able to go back, not without risk. Love also scared me, I used to feel like it just wasn't for me. So casual sex was just easier—”
“Mm, simple,” Shane snorts.
Ilya shoots him a quick glare before he continues. “Well, until it was not. And it very quickly was not, but I pretended it was for a long time.”
And the infamous rivalry?
“There was never a rivalry,” Ilya scoffs.
“Well, in a way there was,” Shane interjects. “We have always been very competitive with each other, so when it came to hockey maybe there was. We always played hard against each other on the ice. But no, it never went further than that. We have never hated each other.”
“Opposite,” Ilya says in agreement.
It seems the communication skills have improved regarding your feelings for each other. I can’t help but notice there are matching rings on your fingers.
“Yes, we got there in the end,” Shane chuckles.
“We are engaged and getting married next month,” Ilya beams.
Congratulations! Who popped the question?
“Shane did. There were loads of candles everywhere. Very romantic.”
“They were electric,” Shane assures.
Shane, your hockey career as you knew it came to a halt very suddenly last April. How did that affect you?
“It derailed my whole life. I had built it all around hockey. Every routine in my day was somehow tied to hockey. I had also wrapped my whole identity and my self worth into it. I have been Shane, hockey player since I was a kid. So when I lost hockey I felt like I lost that. My life, my routine, my identity and my self worth. It drove me down into a very dark place. Even food was tied into hockey. I was on a macrobiotic diet — which is a good diet and I was working closely with dieticians — but for me eating wasn’t more than a task tied into that one purpose, to make myself as good as it could be for hockey. I have rarely eaten because something was tasty or because I craved something. So when food stopped having a purpose I was left without any kind of a relationship with it.”
How did you manage to work your way out of that dark place?
“I was very lucky.” Shane says as he smirks lovingly at his fiancé. “Ilya worked really hard to convince me that life wasn't over. He helped me back to my routines and to myself. Most importantly he showed me I had worth outside of hockey.”
“You did most of the work yourself, do not take that away,” Ilya points out.
“That's true. After a long time of just hiding away I finally started therapy, which was incredibly difficult but also very important. I learned what I was dealing with was depression and passive suicidal ideation. I didn't want to die, but I also didn't want to live. I was also diagnosed with an eating disorder called ARFID. I always thought an eating disorder was when you didn’t eat because of body image issues which didn't resonate with me, but it is such a broad spectrum and can show itself in such different ways. For me it shows as a lack of appetite or even just a lack of general interest in food, which is why I think an outer motive hid it for so long.”
Shane swallows before he continues. “I have also since been given an autism diagnosis. Which I found difficult to grapple with at first, but it did explain a lot.”
How has that diagnosis resonated with you?
“Well, I have always been very bound by routine. When I have a predictable routine that is when I am the most comfortable. I struggle with changes and, well, anything I’m not used to. I also struggle with social cues sometimes, understanding them or knowing how to react appropriately to them. Which means social situations take a lot of energy from me. But honestly the one thing I resonated with the most was masking. When I was a kid — before I was aware of other people’s opinions of me — I was weird. When I was made aware I quickly learned that I was different from my peers and that that was wrong. And ever since I have been putting a lot of effort into being normal, like everybody else. I spend a lot of time worrying what people might think of me. I have been pretending so much that I'm not sure what is actually me anymore. Hockey was a good shield for me, it was something specific with set rules that I could be good at and people could judge me on my performance rather than who I was as a person.”
“Shane is also incredibly intelligent,” Ilya adds. “He is super passionate and invested in anything that interests him. He will learn everything there is to learn and remember it forever, and work on himself until he has perfected whatever he sets his mind to. His brain is fascinating and complex. It is what still makes him the best hockey player of our generation. And why he will be the best husband of all time. And Shane’s ‘weirdness’ is what made me fall in love with him, it is what makes him so very attractive.”
After a beat to take in the seemingly unexpected praise, Shane continues. “So, I am gay, autistic, battling depression and an eating disorder. For someone who spent most of their life trying to be normal there's a lot of things… spicy with me.” Shane explains with an eye roll, as the wording was clearly altered after a glare from his fiancé.
“I still struggle with what other people might think of me, I don't think that is ever going to go away. Just imagining the comments on this article makes me want to puke,” Shane says with a nervous laugh. “But I think it is important for us as role models to be open and honest about mental health, if that is something you are comfortable and able to do of course. For all the little Shanes out there pushing away parts of themselves to try and fit into an impossible mold. So yeah, it's worth a little anxiety I think.”
You have started a foundation together, would you like to tell me a little about that?
“Yes. We have started the Irina foundation. It is a mental health charity. It is a cause very important to both of us. We are also starting a hockey camp for kids that we will hold every summer. Some of our very nice friends from the NHL will volunteer.
We wanted to make a space for children to share their love for hockey, but where they can also learn it is okay to be themselves and to just have fun. No rivalries or unnecessary pressures. The proceeds will then go to mental health organisations.”
Is there a story behind the name?
Shane takes Ilya's hand in his then, as Ilya clears his throat to answer the question. “My mother's name was Irina, she committed suicide when I was twelve years old. She was an amazing woman but struggled with her mental health and didn't have any support or resources. My family life has always been complicated. My father was very old fashioned and abusive and I wasn't able to process the loss of my mother, not until very recently. I myself struggled with signs of depression and with the help of my fiancé realized therapy would be good for me too. I have since been diagnosed with CPTSD. So, there's a little spice in me too.” Ilya smirks.
“For me therapy and antidepressants is what works at the moment,” he continues. “I believe if my mother knew that was an option for her, she might be here today. I want everyone out there to know about and have access to these options. That is our goal.”
There are a lot of changes coming your way. One being that you are both joining the Ottawa Centaurs.
“Yes. I will miss my brothers in Broston, I love them dearly. But I know they are in good hands with their new captain,” Ilya says, referencing his old alternate captain Cliff Marleau. “Ottawa was the right choice for both of us, and I am very excited to join the Centaurs. They haven't had a great season, but there is potential. And I know that my fiancé is making the team even better.”
“I am very glad I get to help jumpstart the career of the future generation of hockey as a scout for the Centaurs.” Shane says. “Even though I would obviously still rather play, I’m grateful that I get to use my hockey brain to still contribute to a team. Especially one with such a handsome center,” he continues with a wink towards his fiancé.
Any prospects you have your eye on?
“Yeah, for sure. I've been around a fair bit already. There is this kid in Switzerland that I think has a lot of potential for example. He has an eye for strategy and for reading his team. Impressive edge work and puck control too.”
As we speak you are not out yet, I have been honored with being a piece of your coming out story. How are your feelings about that?
“I am sad to say there is a lot of fear. Fear about how the hockey world is going to perceive us, more seriously how it will affect my fiancé’s career. The NHL is regrettably not known for being open to queer players. Quite the opposite actually.”
“Shane worries about my career enough for both of us. I would be so sad if I had to retire and be a full time househusband to Shane Hollander,” Ilya says with a sarcastic tone. “I do feel sad knowing how my home country will react to me. I know they will try to erase me and the start of my career in Russia. But it is all worth it. I feel very happy mostly, to be able to show off my super sexy husband.”
“I do want to point out that I am also very excited,” Shane adds. “To not have to hide such a big part of me, to just be a normal couple; go on dates, hold hands in public, be able to cheer for my husband from the stands.”
“In my jersey?” Ilya teases.
“Don’t push it,” Shane huffs back.
“We are also excited to work with Scott Hunter and a few other LBTQIA+ players. We want to make an NHL where future generations won’t have to feel like they have to choose between who they are or who they love and their love for the sport. No one else should feel the need to hide the way we have, it needs to end with us.”
As we wrap up the interview and I am reflecting on our conversations I am convinced that these two young jocks — only ever known for their legendary hockey stats and a rivalry that never was — will do such good things not only for queer athletes to come, but for the future queer generations as a whole.
But more intimately I take with me the love and support they have for each other that was radiating through them, and I wish them both so much luck in the future they now get to build together.
・┈┈・┈┈・┈┈・┈┈・
shanehollander 
Liked by ilyarozanov81 and 1,240 others
shanehollander Since rookie season (heart emoji)
Мой Илюша, спасибо тебе за то, что ты был тем солнышком, которое осветило слова, которые я не мог найти. Сегодня начинается наша книга.Moy Ilyusha, spasibo tebe za to, chto ty byl tem solnyshkom, kotoroye osvetilo slova, kotoryye ya ne mog nayti. Segodnya nachinayetsya nasha kniga/My Ilyusha, thank you for being the little sun that illuminated the words I could not find. Today is where our book begins.
Thank you to Tamia Naidu for letting us tell our story. Link to the article is in my bio.
Please follow and support @irinafoundation
Click to view all comments
hollanovstan1
@montrealmetros_24 THAT YOU'VE BEEN BLIIIIIIIND MOTHERFUCKER!!! RPF WHAAAAAT? DELUSIONAL WHOOOOO? SINCE ROOKIE SEASON BABYYYY!! THIS IS FUCKING VICTORYYYYY!!!
hollanovstan1
@shanehollander Oh and congrats, you guys! Super psyched for you (smiling face with smiling eyes emoji)
gregthefisherman
Biracial, gay AND a snowflake? Wow, just collecting ALL the waste of space badges aren't we?
yunahollander
@gregthefisherman Oh, so you think blatant hate speech is fun and quirky? Well Greg, I hope you have good lawyers that agree with you.
rose_landry
So happy my beard services are no longer needed! Can't wait to see you both in a couple of weeks (winking face emoji)
ilyarozanov81
@rose_landry Who says you're invited?
shanehollander
@rose_landry Ignore him, we're both really excited to have you! (heart emoji)
danieldraws
Hottest couple alert! So happy for you both (smiling face with hearts emoji)
haydenpike35
Congrats I guess…
haydenpike35
GUYS, LAY OFF WITH THE DEATH THREATS IM MY DMS! I was joking, damn!
haydenpike35
AND I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH SHANE HOLLANDER I HAVE A WIFE AND 4 KIDS
hollaniketruther59
@haydenpike35 It’s okay, baby. He will see sense and come back to you in no time (broken heart)
hollzy_girl
aliciagroves
I'm sure the Metros are happy they got this guy out their showers now...
yunahollander
@aliciagroves I actually expect they miss him very much since they haven't even gotten close to the playoffs this past season. Oh, and I hope you like being sued as much as you like spreading hate on the internet.
shanehollander
@yunahollander I love you mom, but you really don't have to threaten every racist and/or homophobe with a lawsuit!
ilyarozanov81
@yunahollander Don't listen, Yuna! Continue please for both of us! He keeps deleting my comments and stealing my phone!!!!
jacob.crester
Hi, Shane. I wanted to give you a comment to help drown out the puke-invoking ones. I was once a young hockey player. I even played two seasons in the NHL if you can believe it, but I had to give up my dream because I, like you, felt like who I was wasn't welcome. I wanted to but wasn't strong enough back then to push back, I guess I could blame the time but either way I gave up one part of myself to protect another. Today I've been happily married for 15 years (he's not a Russian stallion, but he will do (winking face emoji)) and I've never regretted my decision. But a couple of months ago my hockey playing nephew came out. He is already much braver and bolder than I ever was, but I was still scared for him because I know the sport is not as different as when I left it. Your words and actions today have given me hope. I am sorry I wasn't brave enough for you and your generation, and forever grateful that you are brave enough for my nephew and his. I wish you and your fiancé a bright future.
shanehollander
@jacob.crester Hi, I remember you! You were a phenomenal enforcer, my mom would always curse you out whenever you stepped onto the ice against the Metros. I am so sorry that is why your career was cut short. And you have absolutely nothing to apologize for, I cannot begin to imagine the environment you were exposed to. How brave and bold you were walking away to be your authentic self and to choose your happiness. I so appreciate your words. Please DM me if you like, I would love to see what I can do for you and your nephew.
milesallenofficial
Oh my, congratulations to both of you! Ilya is a lucky man! (face blowing a kiss)
ilyarozanov81
@milesallenofficial No more grinding on my husband (Raised Hand)
milesallenofficial
@ilyarozanov81 Got it (saluting face)
shanehollander
@milesallenofficial Fiancé* And thank you, Miles!
brandonrawlings87
What a poser… my russian wife learned ENGLISH when she moved to and ENGLISH speaking country, there is no reason for anything else!! if Rozanov wants to speak russian that much maybe he should just go back to russia
shanehollander
@brandonrawlings87 Мне жаль твою жену. Я надеюсь, что ты одумаешься, ну или одумается онаMne zhal' tvoyu zhenu. YA nadeyus', chto ty odumayesh'sya, nu ili odumayetsya ona/I feel sorry for your wife. I hope you will see sense, or that your wife will. (slightly smiling face)
ilyarozanov81
@shanehollander J'ai envie de toi tellement maintenant.I want you so much right now.
June 24, 2018
ilyarozanov81
Liked by shanehollander and 1569 others
ilyarozanov81 Since SUMMER BEFORE rookie season (heart emoji)
Moy Shanechka, thank you for bringing love and family into my life, two things I thought I would never have. I will forever belong to you.
Thank you Tamia Naidu for letting us tell our story. Link to the article is in bio.
Please follow and support @irinafoundation
Click to view all comments
hollanovforliiife
Wait so this is happening… THIS IS HAPPENING? AM I DREAMING OR IS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING??
hockeylover86
Rozanov?? We lost ROZANOV to the gay agenda? Society is really going to shit (loudly crying face emoji)
ilyarozanov81
hockeylover86 Cry more please, I’m close.
hollanovaas
GLÜCKWUNSCHCONGRATULATIONS! I am so so happy for you!!!! (several loudly crying face emojis)
ilyarozanov81
@hollanovaas What does the aas mean? Is it an ass thing?
hollanovaas
@ilyarozanov81 Uhm, yeah sure... (emoji with peeking eye)
ilyarozanov81
@hollanovaas Ok bunny (thumbs up emoji)
hollanovaas
@ilyarozanov *dies*
lewisloves81
WAIT, SO 2010??? SINCE TWO. THOUSAND. AND. TEN!?!?!?!? I am going to pass away.
missrozanov
Excuse me, can Shane Hollander fight?
ilyarozanov81
@missrozanov After retiring from hockey my Shane has found other hobbies. I think he would do OK (smiling face with smiling eyes emoji)
harris.drover
@ilyarozanov81 Oh boy, I see working with you is going to be fun *grabs inhaler*
ilyarozanov81
@harris.drover YOU HAVE DOG???
petetheraider
Who gives a fuck about this FUCKING TRAITOR!!
callmemarly7
@petetheraider Hey Pete, if you call my brother that one more time I'll make sure you and the rest of your bloodline are banned from every Raiders game for all of time. Now unkindly, go fuck yourself (middle finger emoji)
ilyarozanov81
@callmemarly7 Love you baby (heart emoji)
marlonov_
@ilyarozanov81 (Face holding back tears)
_lifeoftrish
Omg you’re all so gullible, this is obviously a prank (winking face emoji)
ilyarozanov81
@_lifeoftrish No
davidhollander
So grateful to have you be a part of our little family, son! Love ya!
ilyarozanov81
@davidhollander Thank you so much, David. I am honored to soon be a Hollander. Love you too
thathockeyromance2481
OMG TUMBLR (AND MY HEART) IS GOING TO EXPLODE
starry_skies93
Dunno who you guys are but congrats on being gay
ilyarozanov81
starry_skies93 Bi*
June 24, 2018
・┈┈・┈┈・┈┈・┈┈・
- Ilya
- (flushed face emoji)
- Hurry
- My Shane
- Fuck
- Okay
- Ilya
- Come home and punish me? (purple devil emoji)
- My Shane
- Ugh (face with rolling eyes)
- Ilya
- Oh, that picture…
- How did that get there? (shocked face emoji)
- My Shane
- Ilya (angry face emoji)
- Ilya
- What picture? (smiling face with halo emoji)
- My Shane
- Ilya, I told you NOT to post that picture!
- Ilya
- Yet
- Harris' family has like 100, I think he can spare one
- My Shane
- We also don't have a dog
- Ilya
- You told me to text what we were low on (shrugging emoji)
- My Shane
- I'm not buying lube at the grocery store!
- Ilya
- Kale
Strawberries
Bananas
Sweet potatoes
Tofu
Pasta (REAL PASTA)
Soba noodles (only have the worm ones)
Coffee beans
Dog food
Lube
Toilet paper - Ilya
- (unamused face emoji)
- My Shane
- Like I don't know that's the first thing you do as soon as I step out the room
- Ilya
- How did you know???
- My Shane
- Get off the comment section, baby
- Ilya
- I really love you too
- Shane
- That’s really cute actually
- Ugh, I really love you
- Ilya
- Fine, boring.
- I found picture.
- Shane
- Ilya, I swear to god...
- Ilya
- What?? You said find good picture, this is VERY good picture.
- Shane
- NO!?!?!?
- Ilya
- Shane
- No!
- Ilya
- Come ooon, you look like cute angry kitten
- Shane
- Absolutely not!
- Ilya
- These are all great!
- Shane
- You’re not even trying to find a good one!!
- Ilya
- Shane
- No
- Ilya
- Shane
- No
- Ilya
- Ilya
- And all the little Shanes (heart emoji)
- Shane
- For all the little Ilyas (heart emoji)
- Ilya
- Listening to you made me brave, Малышmalysh/baby
- There are also a lot of little Ilyas out there I think, feeling alone and thinking they are not worth love. It is for them.
- Shane
- Have I told you how proud of you I am?
- I didn't expect you to talk about yourself like that, you really didn't have to. I know bringing up your mother was hard enough.
- Shane
- Shut up!
- Never ever
- Ilya
- Careful what you wish
- You will get tired of me
- Shane
- So excited!
- Can’t wait to spend every day with you!
- Ilya
- Last of the stuff being shipped away
- Leaving keys and heading to airport
- See you at our new home, мой любимыйmoy lyubimyy/my beloved!
- Ilya
- Love you too
- Shane
- I love you
- Ilya
- Ugh, I hate you
- Thank you
- Shane
- Nothing, just that you might need a friend
- Ilya
- You are a really bad liar
- What did you tell her?
- Shane
- Don’t know what you mean
- Ilya
- She just appeared this morning and will not leave me alone
- Did you do this?
- Shane
- (heart emoji)
- Ilya
- (heart emoji)
- Shane
- You do deserve me
- And I’m so lucky to be able to spend the rest of our lives proving it to you, I'm not going anywhere.
- Ilya
- That I don't deserve you.
- That you will realize and you will leave.
- Shane
- Could you try and tell me what you're thinking?
- Ilya
- Sorry
- I don't know what to say.
- Shane
- You’re not allowed to joke this one away, Ilyusha
- Ilya
- Ah, so you think I’m funny?
- Shane
- You are and have always been worthy of love.
You were worthy of your mama's love, her leaving was not your fault and had nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do.
You were worthy of your papa's love, him not being able to give that to you was not your fault and had nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do.
You are worthy of my love, and it is not conditioned on anything you do or don't do. You are worthy of it because you are you. Kind, annoying, soft, chaotic, smart, sad, caring, short tempered, funny, beautifully flawed you. I love you when you are happy, I love you when you are sad, I love you when you piss me off and I love you when you're pissed off at me. - You. Are. Worthy. Of. Love. And I will love you forever. Forever and ever.
- Shane
- Galina Molchalina
(613) 455-2243
[email protected]
- Shane
- I want to and I will.
- Ilya
- Hollander, you don't have to
- You shouldn't
- Shane
- Do not EVER say that again.
- You are MORE than I could have ever asked for
- And I'm going to marry the fuck out of you.
- I've booked a flight, I'll be there around 5pm
- Ilya
- You deserve so much better, Shane
- I'm no good for you
- Shane
- No!
- Everything is an us problem from now on remember? That includes your shit too.
- Ilya
- You don't need to deal with my shit, you have enough already
- Shane
- I know you're not fine, Ilya
- You've not been fine for a long time
- Maybe you've never been completely fine
- I'm sorry it took me so long to notice
- Ilya
- I'm fine
- Shane
- Ilya, please pick up the phone and talk to me
- I'm really worried about you
- Shane
- Ilya?
- I love you
- Ilya
- Nevermind
- Just a bit drunk and tired
- Gonna put phone down and try have fun, talk to you later
- Shane
- What??
- Ilya, where is this coming from?
- Ilya
- I'm thinking maybe you shouldn’t
- Shane
- Of course I want to, more than anything else
- I proposed to you, didn’t I?
- Ilya
- Marrying me
- Is what you want?
- Shane
- About what?
- Ilya
- Hey, Shane
- Are you sure?
- Shane
- Okay well, try and have a little fun?
- Ilya
- They are celebrating our engagement, feels rude to leave
- I’m fine, just tired I think
- Shane
- Not feeling okay?
- You don’t have to stay out if you don’t want to
- Ilya
- Is fine
- Would not mind going home
- Shane
- So good I take it?
- Ilya
- Shane
- How’s your night going?
- Ilya
- Please trap my head inside those arms
- Call me, NOW.
- Shane
- I’m not
- This one’s just a thirst trap (face blowing a kiss)
- Shane
- Shane
- Nope, that’ll definitely be me
- Call me
- Ilya
- Mmm this fiancé is really lucky
- Will be the luckiest husband in the world
- Shane
- Your fiancé is doing extremely well actually
- He’s bagged himself a real stud of a fiancé recently
- Ilya
- Good morning, FIANCÉ!
- How’s my beautiful FIANCÉ today?
- Shane
- NOOO
- Ilya
- Oh? We'll see about that
- You better start running, coming for that phone
- Shane
- Nope (slightly smiling face)
- Ilya
- DELETE IT!
- Shane
- Ilya
- Can’t wait (kiss mark emoji)
- Shane
- Fuck you!
- I love you too
- Shit I gotta go, boarding soon
- See you in a couple hours (kiss mark emoji)
- Ilya
- Ooookay
- Shane
- I've always had jokes!
- Ilya
- Ah so you have jokes now?
- Shane
- Hello, this is a random stranger, your boyfriend died in a bathroom stall with his pants down and a fist full of cum.
- Ilya
- Coming fcuk fcuk fukck
- Oh my fucking god
- You absolute freak I love you
- Did you cum?
- Shane
- Me too
- Pklease cum down mu thoat
- Wanba feelyou trickkle down
- Swalow all of ti
- Ilya
- Oh my god shane im so colse fuck
- Shane
- Yes yes yes yes
- Ilya
- Ah fuck fuck Id push you down all the way and hold you there
- Shane
- Yes yes yes
- Itd burn but cant stop
- Feels so good
- Leaking all over your jeans
- Want you to punish me
- Make me choke on your cock
- Ilya
- Yeah? hump on my leg like a naughty щенокschenok/puppy hm?
- Shane
- Mmm shit
- Id want to feel that ass in those jeans
- Make you sit on my hands
- Ahhh im so fucking hard
- Id hump your leg
- Ilya
- Ah blyad I love your mouth mmm fuck
- You lips look so good around my cock
- Love how you moan for me so pretty
- Shane
- Id swallow you down
- Mmm taste so good baby
- Makes me so loud cant help it
- Makes my throat feel so good all stretched out
- Ilya
- So desperate for you please please
- Shane
- Id tease you with my tongue slowly
- Over your wet slit
- Up your shaft
- Ilya
- So fucking hard and dripping for you fuck
- Shane
- Id open your belt and flies slowly looking at your pretty face
- Nuzzle at your cock over your briefs first then take it out
- Ilya
- Yes please please Shanechka please
- Shane
- Youd beg so good for me huh?
- Ilya
- Shit Hollander, feels so good
- Would put my fingers in your hair
- Beg you to take it out
- Take me in your mouth
- Shane
- Yeah your cock would be straining begging to be let out
- But I would want to lick over the fabric, feel it all rough on my tongue
- Want to slobber all over it, make it all wet
- Ilya
- Mm fuck I’d get so hard for you
- Shane
- I would get on my knees in between your legs
- Stroke my face on your cock over the jeans
- Want to feel you get hard
- Ilya
- Wow wow
- Okay
- What would you do to me, hm?
- Shane
- Use it
- Ilya
- I mean, da
- Shane
- It doesn’t have a lock?
- Ilya
- Lol Hollander, I’m still in dressing room
- Shane
- Give me a minute, need to find a bathroom
- Ilya
- Yes?
- How much?
- Shane
- Oh my god
- Yes
- Ilya
- They gave me custom fitted jeans
- You like?
- Shane
- At my gate now, see you soon!
- Ilya
- I'll call you in a min
- Shane
- Okay, sorry
- Ilya
- It’s my day off, Hollander. Get off my ass.
- Shane
- At 1pm?
- Ilya
- Yeah sorry, was asleep
- Shane
- Hey, you didn’t pick up. Everything okay?
- Ilya
- (shrugging emoji)
- Shane
- How do you still look that good while sick?
- Ilya
- Cured
- Shane
- Ilya
- Just one little selfie too?
- Shane
- Of course I do, you idiot
- Now eat your soup and take a nap, okay baby?
- Ilya
- You dooo care about me (pleading face emoji)
- Shane
- Yes
- Ilya
- YOU ORDERED ME SOUP?
- Shane
- (rolling eyes emoji)
- Ilya
- Goodbye cruel world!
- And boyfriend who don’t care about me! (broken heart)
- Shane
- You are so dramatic
- Drink a lot of water
- Ilya
- I am dying
- This has to be the plague
- Shane
- Ilya, you have a cold
- Ilya
- Sorry I have to leave you so soon
- Ilya
- Love you too, Малышmalysh/baby
- Shane
- Thank you
- I love you
- Ilya
- There is nothing wrong with you.
- You are perfect.
- Just as perfect as you were yesterday. Nothing has changed, okay?
- Ilya
- Obviously
- Shane
- He wanted to clarify it’s only for Jackie and the kids
- Ilya
- Yes of course, I will be there
- Shane
- You are both idiots
- He asks if you’re free for dinner at theirs after the game next week
- Ilya
- Tell him I didn’t want him to say hi anyway
- Shane
- He said he actually didn’t say hi, that I just made it up
- Ilya
- Tell him I don’t say hi back
- And that his face is ugly
- Shane
- Hayden says hi
- Shane
montrealmetros_24
Wait, hold up, what are they actually telling us though????