Archive of Our Own

Running had become Buck’s solace. His form of escape.

When the silence of his loft got to be too much — the silence almost deafening, a sick and twisted irony — he slipped his running shoes on, pulled his headphones over his ears, and ran.

He’d first started running the blocks around his apartment building. He liked the familiarity of it — the streets, the turns, the same faces along the same route every day.

Over time though, he’d taken to the hiking trails scattered throughout Los Angeles. Running through the concrete jungle that was LA had started to get hard on his bad leg, so he sought a little softer terrain.

There seemed to be an endless amount of hiking trails scattered throughout LA. For an entire afternoon between shifts, he’d gotten lost in researching the different trails — which ones were the longest, hilly trails, flat trails, which ones went through forests, which ones had a view of the ocean at the end. 

Buck never really liked running.

Sure, he’d always liked working out. He liked the ache in his muscles after a good lift, challenging himself to lift heavier each time he hit a PR. Sometimes, at the station between calls, he’d jog on the treadmill next to Eddie. The two of them would talk about anything and everything while the miles passed under their feet.

He didn’t have that option anymore. Not after the lawsuit.

Everything was different now.

So, now he ran. Not because he particularly enjoyed it, but because it offered him a way out of the silence. It stopped him from staring at his phone. It stopped him from sitting around the loft, waiting for someone — anyone — to text or call or stop by.

When he was running, it was like his brain just…shut off. As long as he was running, he didn’t have to think about how thoroughly he’d fucked his life up. How he’d lost the people that had become his family. 

He woke up this morning, still thinking about it. An Instagram post of all things. He’d seen it last night when he was mindlessly scrolling.

After getting off work at seven a.m. the previous morning, Buck had come home, showered, and gone right to bed. Despite not being allowed out on calls, it’d been a long twenty-four hours on with close to no sleep, so he’d been able to pass out pretty quickly and sleep for nearly ten hours. By the time he woke, it was nearing dinnertime, so he’d whipped up something quick and ate in front of his TV.

As he ate, he’d scrolled through Instagram. A new post from Hen had made him lose his appetite completely. 

She’d posted a group picture of herself and Karen. Bobby and Athena. Maddie and Chimney. Eddie. All of them out to dinner. Without him.

Again.

Buck had stared at the picture for a long time, his fork hovering halfway to his mouth.

They all looked…happy. Chim was making a ridiculous face. Eddie was laughing. Bobby had his arm around Athena’s shoulders, looking more relaxed than he had since everything happened.

It looked like they’d already learned how to live without him.

The silence in the loft had hung heavy over him after that, pressing down on his chest until he felt like he was going to explode.

So, he’d put his running shoes on and gone to his favorite running trail. It was a thirty minute drive to the trail and then a four mile run, but by the time he’d gotten back to the loft, he’d felt lighter.

Another positive to running was that it exhausted him. And exhaustion made it easier to pass out at the end of the day.

When he woke the next morning, the first thing that crossed his mind was that stupid Instagram post.

Ten minutes later, he was in the Jeep, running shoes tied tightly on his feet.

A quick run before his shift was the medicine he needed.

Putting the Jeep in park, Buck killed the engine. He sat back in his seat and sighed, tightening his grip on the steering wheel and staring at the gray clouds in the sky. 

He didn’t necessarily dread going to work. At least when he was at the station, there were other people around. Even with the silence and cold shoulders he got from everyone, he wasn’t alone.

Buck knew they were hurt. Pissed. They felt betrayed.

He knew that. And he’d tried to apologize, multiple times. He knew that filing the lawsuit against Bobby and the department was stupid and impulsive, but nobody would listen to why he filed it.

At the time, it seemed like the only way to get his job back. He’d needed his job back.

Now, though, he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt regret like this before.

He’d lost his family. The only people that ever made him feel like he was enough.

And he had no one to blame but himself.

“Alright, Buckley,” he muttered to himself, dragging a hand down his face. “Get moving.”

Sliding out of the Jeep, Buck took a few minutes to stretch, getting his muscles warmed up.

As he was finishing up his stretches, the sky broke open above him. Rain started pouring down.

“Really?” Buck exclaimed, looking up at the sky with squinted eyes. “You couldn’t wait until I was done running?”

The sky, of course, did not answer him.

Buck huffed. “Whatever.” He needed to run. He wasn’t going to let a little rainstorm deter him.

To get to the trail, Buck had to walk along the shoulder of the road. From the gravel parking lot where he left the Jeep to the head of the trail was roughly half a mile, which Buck liked to use as his warm up.

The road sloped uphill. On one side, rock formations towered thirty feet high above the asphalt. On the other, the shoulder ended abruptly, giving way to forty-foot drop into a ravine below. Dense brush covered the slope all the way down, dead trees and shrubs and wildflowers. The vegetation ended where the slope met the floor of the ravine, the ground turning from brush to loose gravel.

As he started walking towards the trail head, his mind had already started to go blissfully blank. The rain actually created a nice ambience, a sense of calm ease washing over him.

“Sorry for yelling at you,” he said, head turned to the sky again. “I actually kind of like the rain.”

For the first time that morning, he wasn’t thinking about the Instagram post.

He wasn’t thinking about the lawsuit. Or the disappointed expression that Bobby seemed to wear every time he looked at Buck. Or Eddie not letting him see Chris. He wasn’t thinking about how he was trying to stop being in love with Eddie because he’d never get to have Eddie in that way, especially after the lawsuit. 

All he was thinking about was the rain. The coolness of it against his skin. The sound of it hitting the asphalt beneath his feet. The scent that always permeated the air when it rained, clean and crisp and earthy.

Buck took a deep breath, letting the damp air fill his lungs. A sense of peace settled over him, something he wasn’t really used to anymore.

He was almost to the trailhead when he heard the sound of an engine behind him. Shuffling over, Buck moved further onto the shoulder, so the car could go around him.

The engine grew louder.

Buck glanced over his shoulder, watching as headlights finally came around the curve.

The car was moving fast. Too fast on the slick roadway.

Buck rolled his eyes. People in LA always forgot how to drive when it rained. Sometimes he thought back to when Maddie was first teaching him how to drive. It was the middle of winter in Hershey, the roads slick with ice and packed down snow. It still amazed him how he could learn to drive in those conditions, but a little bit of water on the roads in LA and it was like everyone was a brand new driver again.

Suddenly, the car hit a stretch of standing water as it went around the curve. Buck could see the driver inside, a young man with a look of complete panic on his face. He jerked the wheel, but it was too late. The back end fishtailed, heading right for Buck.

“Oh, fuck—” Buck tried to scramble out of the way, but there was nowhere to go.

The bumper caught him hard enough to lift him off of his feet. Pain exploded through his hip.

Buck flew backwards, a wordless scream leaving his mouth at the fire running through his hip and down his leg.

When he landed on solid ground again, flat on his back, the wind was knocked out of his lungs. Sharp pain exploded everywhere. He couldn’t breathe. 

And then he was rolling.

Rolling.

Rolling.

The world flew past him in fragments as he tumbled down the steep slope towards the ravine.

Branches, then sky, then more branches. His headphones flew off. Halfway down the slope, his left shoe slipped off.

Pain exploded everywhere — his back, his hips, his head, his leg.

He tried to grab onto something — anything — to slow his descent, but his fingers slipped uselessly through the mud and brush. 

After what seemed like hours of falling, his body finally came to a stop at the bottom of the ravine. 

Laying flat on his back, Buck stared up at the sky above in a daze. He could feel something warm trickling down the side of his head and over his ear. Rain still fell, coming down harder now. It soaked through his clothes, a chill already settling in below his skin.

For a few moments, he just laid there, eyes clenched shut as he tried to catch his breath.

“Get up, Buckley,” he mumbled. He blew out a sharp breath through his nose. “You got a shift to get to. You gotta get up.”

He tried to sit upright.

Pain tore through him. A broken scream slipped out of him before he could stop it.

“F-fuck,” he muttered. He couldn’t tell if he was crying or if it was just the rain sliding down his cheeks.

He tried to sit upright again. The pain was even worse this time.

“FUCK!” he shouted, less out of pain and more out of defeat. Desperation.

Okay. Trying to get up wasn't working.

He started thinking less like Buck and more like firefighter EMT Buckley.

Can he wiggle his fingers?

He tried, putting all of his remaining energy into moving his fingers and arms. 

“Yes, okay,” Buck mumbled. “That’s — that’s good.”

Can he wiggle his toes?

He tried, once again putting all of his energy into it.

But nothing happened. He couldn’t feel anything below his waist.

He couldn’t feel his toes. Couldn’t feel his feet. Couldn’t feel his legs.

Paralyzed, his brain supplied. Panic started crawling through his veins.

No.

No, that wasn’t – that couldn’t be possible.

“Quit being dramatic,” he hissed under his breath. “Get the hell up, Buckley. C’mon.”

For a third time, Buck tried to sit up, tried to force himself through the pain, but it was useless.

He was well and truly stuck.

Panic swelled in his chest, pressing hard against his lungs and wringing the breath right out of him. He could feel himself getting worked up, hysteria beginning to take over.

Breathe, he heard Eddie’s voice in his head. When Buck had been pinned under the engine, Eddie had talked to him, held his hand, instructing him to breathe through the pain, the white hot agony.

In for four, hold for four, out for four, Eddie’s voice commanded in his mind. You have to breathe, Evan. Breathe with me.

Buck inhaled a breath and held it. Slowly, he blew it out, willing himself to calm down. He did it again. And again. And one more time until the panic felt a little bit smaller.

Okay. He could still feel his arms. He could still move his arms, which meant he could dig into his pocket and grab his phone to call 911. Or Bobby. Or Eddie.

…they’d come get him, wouldn’t they? Even with as angry as they were at him, even with how little they wanted to do with him, they wouldn’t just leave him to die at the bottom of a ravine, would they?

No, Buck decided, cutting off his mental spiral. They were good people, fantastic first responders. Saving people was what they did best and right now, Buck needed saving.

Slowly, he lifted his arm off of the wet, muddy ground. He slid his hand into his pocket to grab his phone…

…but it wasn’t there.

Okay.

He’d check the other pocket.

The other pocket of his joggers was empty too.

Panic swelled even bigger in his chest.

“Fuck,” he muttered. “N-no no no, fuck. Fuck!” He choked out a sob. Pure, cold terror coursed through his veins. He patted his pockets, checking again for his phone.

It still wasn’t there.

“HELP!” Buck screamed. A shock of pain shot through his body. His cries echoed around him, taunting him. “PLEASE! HELP! Can anybody hear me?! I — I can’t move, I need help! Please!”

Nobody answered.

There was nobody around.

Buck had no phone.

He couldn’t call for help.

He couldn’t move.

All he could do was wait.

For what, he didn’t know.

Wait for someone to find him? Wait for the rain to stop? Wait for someone — Bobby, Hen, Eddie — to notice he didn’t turn up to his shift.

Would they even notice if he didn’t turn up for his shift?

Buck had made himself scarce at work lately, trying to stay out of everyone’s way by staying busy. Doing all the chores nobody else wanted to do. Trying to win back brownie points by scrubbing the baseboards in the bunk room and the grout between the tiles in the bathroom. Bobby had made him man behind on every call, so they were used to him not being in the field with them anymore.

Would they even notice he was missing?

Buck was so tired. Coldness started seeping even further into his bones. He was exhausted from fighting his way back from a gruesome leg injury, a pulmonary embolism, and surviving a tsunami. From trying to win his family back. 

He was so, so tired. And the rain was so cold.

Maybe if he just rested his eyes for a second…

The world disappeared around him.

And the rain continued to fall.

____________________

7:00 a.m.

Buck was late.

Buck was never late, but especially not since he’d come back to work after the lawsuit. He always made a point of showing up at least thirty minutes early for their shifts. He always had coffee going, breakfast prepped, and was starting on truck maintenance by the time everyone else showed up.

Eddie missed him. He missed his best friend so much.

When he’d first found out about the lawsuit, Eddie had felt so blindsided. So angry. So…lost.

He’d just lost Shannon. His first best friend, the mother of his child. Losing her was one of the hardest things he’d ever gone through.

And then he’d heard about the lawsuit.

He couldn’t see Buck. He couldn’t even talk to him, even though Eddie had never needed him more than he did after Shannon’s death. Even though Chris asked for Buck after every nightmare he had about the tsunami. 

He held onto his anger for a long, long time. He’d directed it all at Buck because he hadn’t known where else to put it.

But now, he was just…tired. He missed Buck like a missing limb and he knew Chris did too. Every single night, Chris asked Eddie when Buck was going to come over again.

Eddie had spent the last week trying to work up the courage to apologize for how he’d been acting since Buck came back to work after the lawsuit. He hadn’t really meant to shut Buck out completely, but the redness of his anger had completely blinded him.

When he woke up this morning, he’d decided that waiting any longer to apologize to Buck was stupid. As soon as he saw Buck on shift, he was going to apologize. Whether it was in privacy of the locker room or in front of everyone in the loft, he was going to fix things. He would beg for Buck’s forgiveness if it came to that. 

Eddie didn’t want to spend another day angry and missing Buck.

Life was too goddamn short for that.

But Buck was late for work.

And he was never late for work.

Eddie jogged up the stairs to the loft. “Hey, has anyone heard from Buck?”

Bobby, Chim, and Hen all turned to look at him.

“I haven’t,” Hen said, her hands wrapped around a coffee mug.

“Me either,” Chim added. He sat at the island, watching Bobby dice up a bell pepper.

“Haven’t heard from him,” Bobby admitted, not lifting his gaze from where he was chopping veggies. “Why?”

Eddie slid into the seat beside Chimney. “He’s late.”

Hen looked at her watch. “It’s 7:03.”

“Yeah. And Buck has never been even a minute late,” Eddie said. “He’s usually early. Especially lately.”

Bobby shrugged. “Maybe he got caught in traffic.”

Chimney turned to Eddie. “Or maybe he finally decided to quit. Took the hint after a couple weeks.”

Eddie glared at him. “That’s not funny.”

He immediately looked apologetic. “Sorry. No, you’re right. It’s not funny.”

Hen set her coffee mug on the counter. “I’m sure he’s just running late, Eddie. Buck is the most reliable person this station has ever seen. He’ll be here.”

“If I don’t hear from him by 7:30, I’ll give him a call,” Bobby said, scraping the bell pepper into a frying pan on the stove before moving to get the eggs from the fridge.

Eddie nodded. “Yeah. I’m just — I’ll shoot him a text real quick. Maybe he overslept or something.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened his thread with Buck.

The last message in that thread was from Buck, just over ten days ago.

Buck: hey. not sure if you heard yet, but I dropped the lawsuit. i’m really, really sorry, Eddie. I hope you can find a way to forgive me.

Eddie had never responded to him. His heart ached.

Eddie: hey buck. just wondering where you’re at. let me know you’re okay. I was hoping to have a talk with you at some point today. i’m sorry. I miss you.

8:00 a.m.

Eddie dialed Buck’s phone number again.

It rang and rang and rang before going to voicemail for the second time.

Hey! You’ve reached Buck. Leave me a message and I’ll get back with you soon.

Eddie ended the call and dropped his phone into his lap.

Worry started to crawl up his spine.

Buck was officially an hour late.

Bobby called him twice. Eddie called him twice. Hen and Chimney both tried calling once.

Every single call had gone unanswered.

Eddie’s stomach turned with unease. A feeling of dread started gnawing at him.

“Chimney, call Maddie,” Eddie demanded. At this point in their shift, one hour in, they’d usually be getting a start on chores around the station.

None of them had made it out of the loft yet, too busy trying to get ahold of Buck.

“She’s at work,” Chimney answered. “She can’t answer her personal phone.”

“So call 911 and ask to be patched through to her,” Eddie snapped.

“Eddie, we can’t do that. We don’t even know that Buck is in danger,” Bobby supplied.

“I think something is wrong, Bobby,” Eddie insisted. “This isn’t like Buck. He wouldn’t just blow off a shift, especially not after everything that went down.”

Hen sighed. “When does Maddie go on her break, Chim? We can try calling her then.”

Chimney looked at his watch. “I think her first break is usually at 9:30.”

The feeling of dread that had started gnawing at Eddie grew a little more intense.

“Maybe we should just go —”

The tones dropped.

“Alright team,” Bobby said, voice firm and commanding. “I know we’re all worried, but we still have a job to do. Let’s roll out. I’ll keep trying Buck.”

Eddie somehow convinced himself that Buck was going to be at the station when they got back from their current call.

He nearly threw up his entire breakfast when they got back to the station and he wasn’t.

9:30 a.m.

“No, I haven’t heard from Buck at all today,” Maddie said, talking over speakerphone. “Isn’t he at work with all of you?”

Chimney shook his head. “He never showed up.”

“What?” Maddie hissed.

“We can’t get ahold of him either, Maddie,” Eddie cut in. “He’s not answering any calls or texts.”

“Wait, what do you mean, he didn’t show up?” Maddie continued. “He’s never missed a shift. He won’t even call in when he’s sick. That’s not like Evan. He loves his job, he loves being a firefighter.”

For a moment, everyone in the loft was silent.

“Guys?” Maddie asked when the silence went on for a moment too long.

“Things have been…tense…since Buck came back to work,” Hen murmured. “The lawsuit kind of changed things around here.”

“What does that mean?” Maddie asked, confusion laced in her voice. “Has someone been giving him a hard time?”

Eddie suddenly felt the urge to cry.

“I’ve been giving him a hard time,” Bobby admitted. “Everyone else has been following my lead as their captain.”

“What?” Maddie hissed. “You’ve all been, what, hazing him or — or bullying him?”

“No,” Chimney cut in. “No, nothing like that. Just — well, some cold shoulders, is all.”

Maddie was quiet for a minute. Then, “so you basically abandon the guy who has issues with attachment? Got it. Cool. That’s so great.”

Shame sat heavy on Eddie’s shoulders.

“You guys do realize that you’re his family, right?” Maddie continued. “Besides me, he doesn’t have any other family. He considers every single one of you his family.”

Eddie bit down on his lip, the backs of his eyes burning. Bobby rubbed his forehead, looking pale. Chim and Hen exchanged a look, something that looked a lot like regret.

“Have you checked his loft?” Maddie suddenly asked. “Maybe his phone died. I know he uses it as his alarm.”

Hen cleared her throat. “No, we haven’t had the chance to check his place yet, we just got back from a call. But,” she glanced at Eddie, then Bobby, “we’re going to head there right now. Thanks, Maddie.”

“Let me know what happens, please,” Maddie said, voice quieter now. “I’ll keep trying to call him.” She paused. “And you better fix whatever the hell has been going on over there. Buck deserves better than that. You can all be upset about the lawsuit, but try to see things from his point of view for once.”

Without another word, Maddie ended the call.

10:15 a.m.

Eddie knocked on the door to Buck’s loft three times. “Buck, hey. It’s Eddie. Can I come in?”

No answer.

Bobby, Hen, and Chimney stood silently behind him.

Knocking again, Eddie said, “Buck, c’mon. Open up. This isn’t funny anymore, we’re — I’m worried about you, man.”

Again, there was no answer.

Eddie reached into pocket, pulling out his keys. He still had the spare key to the loft. Buck had given him a copy after his leg injury so he wouldn’t have to get up and answer the door every time Eddie came to visit.

Quickly, Eddie unlocked the door and cracked it open. “Okay, we’re coming in, Buck. You better be decent.”

Stepping inside, Eddie took in the state of the loft. It was mostly clean, just a few takeout containers sitting on the kitchen counter. Some dishes were stacked in the sink, waiting to be washed. The trash was nearly overflowing, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary.

“Buck?” Eddie called, wandering further into the place. “Buck!”

Hen went around Eddie to the living room, gazing around the empty space. “He’s not here.”

“Bathroom door is open too,” Chim added, gesturing to the small room right off the entryway.

Eddie took the stairs two at a time, expecting to see Buck stretched out in bed. “Buckley, c’mon man. You’re three hours late. Time to roll out of —”

He stopped short at the top of the stairs.

The bed was empty.

He scanned the entire room.

Empty.

Eddie’s heart started beating faster in his chest. His lungs wouldn’t fully expand as he tried to breathe.

“Okay, this isn’t — where the hell is he?” Eddie demanded as he went back downstairs. “Where the hell is Buck?”

Bobby, who had gone even more pale now, shook his head. “I don’t — should I call Athena?”

“Wait,” Hen cut in. She crossed the room to the entry way, pointing at the shoe rack Buck kept by the door. “There’s a pair of shoes gone.”

Chimney furrowed his brows. “Okay. So how exactly does that help us right now?”

Hen spun on her heel, facing them all. “Buck has been running a lot lately.”

Eddie frowned. “He doesn’t like running.”

“Well, he does now. He told me he’s been running a lot as a form of…escape, I guess.”

Bobby rubbed a hand along his forehead. “He told you that?”

“Not in those exact words, but I can read between the lines,” Hen said. “He told me when the quiet of the loft is too much, he goes out to run.”

All of the breath in Eddie’s lungs rushed out, leaving him breathless.

When the silence of the loft was too much.

It was only silent because Eddie had made it that way.

“Okay, so you think he went out to run? Is that what you’re saying?” Chim asked, chewing his gum more aggressively than normal.

“I…don’t know for sure.” Hen shrugged. “But he told me about this new trail he’s been running a lot lately. Maybe we should start there.”

Eddie didn’t wait for anyone else.

He simply opened the door to the loft and started back down towards the parking lot, where they’d haphazardly parked the engine in front of the building.

10:55 a.m.

“That’s — wait, is that Buck’s Jeep?” Chim asked, pointing out the window.

Eddie looked up from his phone, where he’d been typing another text to Buck. He turned and looked out the window, following where Chimney was pointing.

Buck’s Jeep sat, alone, in the parking lot. It wasn’t a real parking lot, just a gravel pull off on the side of the road. There was a wooden post staked into the ground with a sign attached that gave directions to the trailhead half a mile away.

Chim parked the engine, half on the road, half in the gravel parking lot.

Eddie threw the door open, jumping out of the engine and sprinting over to the Jeep. Rain fell in sheets, instantly soaking through Eddie’s uniform shirt.

He barely noticed.

“Buck!” he shouted, skidding to stop by the drivers side door.

But the Jeep was empty, Buck was not there, and there was no answer.

By now, Bobby, Hen, and Chim had caught up to him. Chim and Hen both had their med kits slung over their shoulders.

“We have to — we have to check the trail!” Eddie insisted, starting to feel hysterical. He started jogging away from the Jeep and toward the road.

“Wait, Eddie,” Bobby called.

Eddie didn’t listen. He kept running, eyes scanning everywhere.

“Eddie!” Bobby shouted. “As your captain, I'm ordering you to stop.”

Suddenly filled with rage, Eddie whirled around towards him. He pointed an accusing finger at Bobby.

“As a captain, you should’ve known better than to treat Buck how you did!” Eddie yelled. Some of the fight drained out of him at the look that crossed Bobby’s face. “I’m not saying you’re the only guilty one here, Bobby, but you can’t stop me from looking for him now. Please.”

Bobby cleared his throat, his eyes turning red. “I’m not going to stop you, Eddie. Just — put your helmet on. Please.”

Eddie stilled for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah. Okay, s-sorry.” Jogging back to the engine, he secured his helmet on his head and slipped into his turnout coat.

A minute later, the four of them were running up the road towards the trailhead.

“BUCK!” Eddie screamed, hands cupped around his mouth. “BUCK!”

Only the echoes of his own screams answered.

The rain seemed to fall even harder now. The clouds were dark and heavy, like it wasn’t going to let up anytime soon.

“BUCK!” Eddie yelled again. He could hear Chim, Hen, and Bobby shouting somewhere behind him. “CALL OUT, BUCK!”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Hen’s frantic voice cut through Eddie like a knife. “Look!”

Whirling around, Eddie looked to where she was pointing.

A long, fresh line of tire skid marks lined the road, right at the curve. The marks veered onto the shoulder, loose gravel scattered across the ground.

Eddie’s stomach lurched.

He sprinted to the edge of the road, following the tracks.

Just over the edge, a small sedan was tangled in the brush. Eddie couldn’t see if anyone was inside, the windows covered by leaves and branches.

“Bobby! We need another unit out here!” Chim shouted, standing next to Eddie. “There’s a car over the ridge!”

Eddie’s radio crackled to life on his shoulder, Bobby’s voice coming through, demanding another RA unit be sent to their location.

Scanning the brush, Eddie’s heart dropped when he noticed another break in the brush, branches broken and tangled every which way. He scanned the slope, looking for any signs of Buck—

“BUCK!” he screamed.

Buck was lying, unmoving, at the bottom of the ravine. A pool of blood surrounded his head.

He’s still on blood thinners, Eddie’s brain supplied.

“HE’S DOWN THERE!” Eddie yelled over his shoulder.

“Get the rig up here!” Bobby shouted. “Eddie, wait for a harness—”

Eddie didn’t hear the rest of Bobby’s words. He’d already launched himself down the slope.

Flying through the brush, branches snagging his coat sleeves, Eddie scrambled down the steep slope. The muddy ground tried to suck his boots in with every step he took, but he didn’t slow down.

He couldn’t. He wouldn’t, not until he reached Buck.

On his next step, his foot landed in a shallow hole, but it was enough to send him off balance. He pitched forward, landing on his knees.

From there, he slid down the embankment. Branches whipped across his face. Rocks and pebbles dug into the knees of his pants, ripping little holes in the fabric.

He hit the bottom of the slope and scrambled to his feet, immediately rushing over to Buck.

“Buck!” he exclaimed, all of the panic that had steadily grown all morning rushing out. He dropped to his knees beside Buck. Reaching out with trembling fingers, Eddie pressed his index and middle fingers to Buck’s neck.

There.

Buck’s pulse was weak. Thready.

But it was still there.

“Oh, dios,” Eddie murmured. He keyed his radio. “I’ve got him! He’s alive, but it’s —” he swallowed hard. “It’s not good, I need you guys down here!”

“On our way,” Bobby’s voice came through his radio. “Radioed for a medevac, air support ETA, thirteen minutes out. Making our way down.”

Eddie looked down at Buck again. His skin was so pale and freezing to the touch. Blood surrounded his head, like a fucked up halo. Bruises were already forming on his face, his neck, his arms — everywhere. 

He tried to convince himself it was only because of the blood thinners, but if the conclusion Eddie came to was correct, the car tangled in the brush above was the reason Buck was lying unconscious at the bottom of the ravine.

Eddie’s mind ran through the list of possible injuries Buck could be hiding under his clothes.

Internal bleeding. Buck could have a spinal injury. A pelvic fracture. A broken hip. Traumatic brain injury.

“Buck, hey,” Eddie started, grabbing his hand. Even through his gloves, he could feel the iciness of Buck’s skin. “Can you hear me?”

No response.

“Buck, it’s — it’s me. It’s Eddie,” he continued. “Can you — can you open your eyes? O-or squeeze my hand? Please?”

Eddie was not above begging.

“Please. Buck.” His voice broke.

Buck’s eyes fluttered.

“Good, th-that’s good, Buck,” Eddie breathed. “C’mon, baby. Let me see your eyes.”

Buck’s jaw clenched. His lashes fluttered again.

“That’s it, Evan,” Eddie murmured. “You’re gonna be okay. I’ve got you, baby. We’re gonna get you out of here.”

Buck’s eyes opened, tiny little slits.

“Hey, there he is.” Eddie squeezed his hand. “You’re gonna be okay. Are you with me, Buck?”

“Ed-Eddie?” Buck whispered, more a rasp than anything. “You — you’re h-here?”

Eddie nodded. He brushed Buck’s rain soaked hair off of his forehead. “Of course I’m here. My best friend didn’t show up for work, I had to come and find him.”

Buck took a shallow breath. “C-car. Hit me.” A broken, breathy laugh slipped out. “F-fell down — down the hill. W-world out t-to get. Me.”

“Yeah, it — it sure seems that way,” Eddie laughed breathlessly, trying to stave off tears.

Buck’s eyes drifted shut again.

“Hey, no, eyes on me, baby,” Eddie demanded, squeezing Buck’s hand harder. “Stay with me, Buck.”

Buck’s eyes slitted open again. “C-cold.”

“I know.” Eddie gathered both of Buck’s hands in his, desperately trying to warm his skin. “Just a little bit longer, okay? Chim, Hen, and Bobby are on their way. We’re going to get you out of here. You just — you gotta stay awake, Buck, okay?”

“Th-they’re…here too?” Buck’s teeth chattered as he spoke, knocking together almost violently.

Eddie nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re all here. We were all so worried when you didn’t show up this morning.”

A weak, broken laugh slipped from Buck’s mouth. “Didn’t think. Anyone w-would notice.”

Tears sprang into Eddie’s eyes. His chest tightened. “Of course we noticed, baby.”

“Th-thought I’d die. Here.” Buck choked on a breath, coughing and spluttering rain. “A-alone. ‘M so c-cold, Ed-Eddie.”

Eddie wasn’t sure if his heart could break any further.

“Eddie!” Hen’s voice came from behind him.

Glancing over his shoulder, Eddie saw the three of them rushing over.

“He’s awake, barely,” Eddie rambled, turning his gaze back to Buck. “He’s — he’s bleeding from his head, I don’t know where.”

Hen and Chim dropped to the ground beside Buck, one on either side of him.

“He’s freezing.” Eddie shuffled over a little bit, making room for Chimney to work, but never letting go of Buck’s hands. “Pulse is weak and thready.”

“Hey, Buckaroo,” Hen murmured, digging through her kit for a pulse ox and blood pressure cuff. “You decide to take the day off on us?”

Buck’s lips quirked, the corners of his mouth barely turning up. “W-was trying t-to run.”

“Yeah, this is your favorite trail, isn’t it? You told me all about it a couple weeks ago.”

Chim fastened a c-collar around Buck’s neck.

“Y-yeah. It was. Favorite. Trail,” Buck choked out. “N-not any. More.”

“How far out is medevac, Bobby?” Eddie demanded.

Bobby didn’t answer.

Eddie glanced back at him. He was staring at Buck, his expression filled with guilt and fear.

“Bobby!” Eddie exclaimed, louder this time.

Bobby blinked, turning to Eddie.

“How far out is medevac?”

Bobby radioed dispatch, asking for air support’s ETA.

“Medevac is seven minutes out,” dispatch reported back.

Eddie turned back to Buck. “So close, Buck. They’re so close, just stay with us.”

“How long have you been out here, Buck?” Chimney asked. He was holding gauze on the side of Buck’s head, right over his left ear. “Eddie, hold that.”

Eddie used his free hand to hold the gauze over the cut on Buck’s head, the source of all of the blood. 

“Don’t — don’t know,” Buck mumbled, his words beginning to slur together. “L-long time. This — is this. Real?”

“This is real, baby,” Eddie murmured. He didn’t see the looks Hen and Chim shot at him. “We’re getting you out of here. I got you.”

“Buck, can you tell me what hurts?” Hen asked. Chim started cutting through Buck’s soaked shirt with a pair of shears. “Where are you having pain?”

“H-hip,” Buck answered, the words falling out of his mouth without grace. “C-can’t. Feel my. Legs.”

Hen stilled, exchanging a look with Chimney.

“Okay, that’s good, Buckaroo,” Chim encouraged, continuing to cut through Buck’s shirt. “We’re going to get you out of here. You’re going to be okay.”

“H-Hen,” Buck slurred. “‘M so tired. Can I. S-sleep now?”

“Not yet, Buck, okay? A little bit longer.” Hen shined a pen light over Buck’s eyes. “Your pupils are equal and reactive, that’s good Buck. That’s a really good sign.” She looked up at Eddie then. “Keep him talking, Eddie. Don’t let him sleep.”

Eddie nodded at her, then looked down at Buck. “Hey, did I tell you about Chris’s reading assignment?”

Of course not, Eddie thought, you’ve barely looked at him in the last month.

Buck’s jaw clenched tightly. His entire body was wracked with shivers. “N-no.”

Eddie smiled, still holding Buck’s hands tightly between his. “He has to write a report about the bravest person he knows and then give a speech about it.”

Buck smiled, soft and barely there. “W-wrote about you, didn’t h-he?”

Shaking his head, Eddie felt a tear slip from his eye. “No. He wrote about you.”

“M-me?”

“Mhm,” Eddie hummed. “He wrote about you and the fire truck bombing. About how brave you were that night and every single day that followed. About the tsunami and how you saved him.”

“He’s a — he’s a g-good kid,” Buck mumbled. “The b-best kid.”

“He misses you so much,” Eddie whispered. It felt like someone reached into his chest and ripped his heart out. “I miss you so much, baby. I’m so sorry. I’m just — Buck, I’m so sorry.”

“‘S ‘kay, Eddie.” Buck’s eyes drifted shut. “Forgave you. Long. Time ago.”

Above them, the sound of a helicopter. Eddie looked up and saw the medevac crew in the distance, a little dot in the sky growing bigger and bigger the closer it got.

“Hey, open your eyes, Buck,” Eddie demanded. Buck’s eyes slitted open again. “Your ride is almost here. You’re gonna go up in that fancy helicopter and they’re going to get you nice and warm, yeah?”

“Eddie, we gotta get him on a backboard,” Hen said, voice firm and commanding. “Help Chimney roll him onto his side. Keep his spine straight.”

Reluctantly, Eddie let go of Buck’s hands to help get the backboard under him. When he and Chimney lifted him onto his side, Buck let out a weak cry.

“Sorry,” Eddie whispered. “I’m sorry, Buck.”

Whether he was apologizing for the pain or for the last few weeks, Eddie wasn’t sure.

When they laid Buck flat again, Eddie realized that Chim had already cut through both Buck’s shirt and his pants, getting the soaked clothing off of his skin. A huge black and purple bruise covered Buck’s left hip, spreading across his abdomen to his midsection. Additional bruises scattered across his legs. Goosebumps rose across his entire body, head to toe.

It was then that Eddie noticed he’d stopped shivering.

“Hen!” Eddie shouted. “Blankets! He needs blankets!”

“His temp dropped another degree,” Chimney rushed out, looking at the thermometer. “86 degrees and falling. Heart rate is 42.”

The helicopter was almost directly above them now, circling to find a spot to land. The rain continued to fall, but Eddie hardly noticed.

He sat up on his knees, ripping his turnout coat off. The outside was soaking wet, but the inside of his coat was dry and warm. He draped it over Buck’s chest and abdomen.

“There you go, baby,” Eddie murmured. “Nice and warm, right? Open your eyes, Buck. Let me see those eyes.”

Buck’s lashes fluttered, but his eyes didn’t open. His lips were turning blue. Chimney and Bobby wrapped him in thermal blankets, covering every inch of exposed skin.

“He’s bleeding internally. Pelvic fracture,” Hen rushed out. She turned her head to the sky, watching the helicopter circle before turning back to Bobby. “We gotta move him now. He’s — Bobby, he’s still on blood thinners.”

Bobby let out a sharp exhale. He keyed his radio. “Medevac, you are clear to land. Patient is critical — we don’t have any more time to waste.”

“Copy that, Captain Nash. Landing now.”

The pilot circled once more before landing the chopper on the ground. Immediately, two paramedics slid the door open and jumped out, pushing a gurney between them.

“Twenty-eight year old male, struck by a car. Approximate forty-foot fall. Suspected pelvic fracture with internal hemorrhage. Severe hypothermia with a core temp of 86. Blood pressure was 90/65 when we got to him, 79/52 now. He’s on blood thinners,” Hen reported to the medevac paramedics.

Chim and one of the paramedics from the medevac lifted the backboard onto the gurney.

“Buck. Buck, open your eyes,” Eddie demanded. “Please open your eyes.”

Buck didn’t respond. His fingers didn’t twitch, his lashes didn’t flutter.

Nothing.

“Let’s move!” The two paramedics from the medevac started wheeling the gurney towards the waiting helicopter. “We’re taking him to Presbyterian!”

Eddie followed after them, not even thinking twice.

“Eddie!” Bobby shouted.

He glanced over his shoulder, not stopping.

“We’ll meet you there! Keep us updated until then!”

Eddie nodded, then climbed into the helicopter after Buck. The pilot waited for them to give him an all clear before putting the chopper back in the air.

Immediately, the paramedics started working on Buck. One of them grabbed a heated blanket and started drying Buck’s skin, starting with his hair and face.

The other paramedic slipped an oxygen mask over Buck’s nose and mouth after his skin was dry.

“What’s his name?” she asked, glancing at Eddie while she worked.

“Buck. Evan Buckley," Eddie stammered. He wanted to reach out and thread his fingers with Buck’s, but he didn’t want to interfere with the paramedics. 

“Buckley!” she said loudly, gazing down at Buck’s slack face. “Can you hear me, Evan?”

Buck didn’t respond.

“Starting a line of warm fluids,” she said to the other paramedic, who was replacing the thermal blankets Bobby and Chimney had thrown over Buck with fresh, dry ones. Eddie’s turnout coat was dropped onto the floor of the chopper.

Within minutes, Buck was receiving warm fluids through a line in the back of his hand.

Eddie never took his eyes off of Buck’s face, desperately waiting for any sign of life.

“I’m worried about his breathing,” one of the paramedics mumbled. “Respirations are shallow. Too slow.”

“Prepare to intubate if needed,” the second paramedic agreed.

Eddie’s stomach lurched.

Shannon had been intubated, right before she passed away.

A renewed panic washed over Eddie. 

“N-no,” Eddie stuttered out. “Please don’t.”

“Sir, we’re going to do everything we can to save his life. That might include intubating him,” the paramedic said over her shoulder. “Let us do our job. We’re going to take good care of your…?”

“Partner,” Eddie muttered.

“We’re going to take good care of your partner, okay?”

Eddie nodded. “Please. I — I need him.”

She softened. “I know. Here,” she reached for Eddie’s hand, “hold his hand. I’ve found that having a physical tether helps them stay. It gives them something to hold on to.”

Eddie grabbed Buck’s hand, linking their fingers together. His skin was still icy cold.

“Buckley,” the paramedic tried again. “Can you hear me?”

Buck still didn’t respond.

The paramedic rubbed a fist against Buck’s sternum. “Buck, hey. Can you open your eyes for me?”

The look on Buck’s face pinched.

“That’s it, stay with me,” she encouraged. “We’re taking you somewhere nice and warm, okay, you just gotta hang on. Your partner is here, Buck.”

Buck’s eyes barely fluttered open.

“Hey, baby,” Eddie breathed, squeezing Buck’s hand. “You’re doing so good, Buck.”

Buck’s mouth moved under the oxygen mask, but no sound came out.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk,” Eddie whispered. “Just stay with me, Evan. Please stay with me.”

“Respirations are dropping, I’m going to bag him.” The paramedic slipped the oxygen mask off and replaced it with an ambu bag as Buck’s eyes drifted shut again. “Get a tube ready. We gotta intubate.”

Eddie’s stomach dropped. Bile crawled up his throat.

It was Shannon all over again.

The same words. The same panic. The same helpless feeling, watching someone he loved—

Someone he loved.

Fuck.

Eddie loved him.

Eddie loved Buck like he loved Shannon.

As the realization clicked into place, there was no stopping the tears that started falling.

Of course he loved Buck.

Any room Eddie walked into, he looked for Buck first. Any bad day and the first thing Eddie sought out was Buck and that warm, sunshine grin. The way losing Buck to the lawsuit had left a raw, gaping wound in Eddie, like Buck had reached into his chest and ripped his heart clean out. 

The way Buck treated Christopher like his own.

The way Eddie treated Buck like he was Christopher’s other parent.

Eddie was in love with Buck.

And now the paramedics were getting ready to intubate him, just like Chimney and Hen had done to Shannon, right before she died.

Panic swelled in Eddie’s chest. He couldn’t let them put a tube in Buck’s throat.

“Stop,” Eddie demanded. “Please, let me — let me give him rescue breaths. Just — no tube.”

Both paramedics looked at him.

“He can’t — I can’t lose him,” Eddie stammered. His grip on Buck’s hand tightened. “Last time someone I loved had a tube down their throat, she — she didn’t — he just can’t.”

The paramedics exchanged a look. The one that encouraged Eddie to hold Buck’s hand nodded, then turned to him.

“I’m sorry you lost someone,” she started. “I can’t imagine what that was like. But, if we don’t intubate Buck, he won’t survive the flight to the hospital. His respirations are too low and too shallow. With his other injuries, his body is fighting to keep up and intubating him will help ease some of the burden.”

Eddie gasped a breath. He wiped some tears from his cheeks.

“I know it’s scary, but you have to let us do our jobs. You have to trust us,” she continued. “Let us save your partner.”

Partner.

The word had more than one meaning now.

His gaze dropped to Buck. He looked so small, swathed in a heap of blankets. His skin was so pale, lips tinted blue. A dark bruise lined his jaw. Another circled his eye. He was unmoving, almost completely, only his chest rising and falling with the air being forced into his lungs.

Slowly, Eddie nodded.

“Okay,” he whispered. “Please save him.”

The paramedic turned to her counterpart.

“Go,” she commanded.

Eddie couldn’t watch. He couldn’t watch them put a tube in Buck’s throat. He dropped his gaze down to where his hand was connected to Buck’s, brushing his thumb across his knuckles.

“Stay with me,” Eddie murmured. He lifted Buck’s hand to his mouth and held it against his lips. “Please, Buck. Please stay with me.”

As the paramedics started the intubation, Eddie closed his eyes.

“Please, Buck,” he whispered against the back of Buck’s hand. “I love you. I — I need you. Chris needs you. We can’t do this without you anymore.”

“Tube’s in,” the paramedic said. “Radio the hospital, tell them to prepare for a massive transfusion for a suspected pelvic fracture with internal hemorrhage.”

“Hospital is three minutes out,” the pilot called from the cockpit.

“You hear that, baby?” Eddie whispered. He pulled Buck’s hand down to his lap, brushing his thumb across the back of it. “We’re so close. I need you —” his voice broke, “I need you to stay with me, Buck.”

One of the paramedics started cleaning the laceration above Buck’s ear. It had finally stopped bleeding sometime between Eddie holding gauze over it and getting into the helicopter. His ear itself was covered in dried blood.

“Temp is up a degree, 87,” the other paramedic said. “Blood pressure is still low, 76/49. Heart rate, 39.”

“I love you, Buck,” Eddie murmured. His eyes burned. He lifted Buck’s hand again, pressing his lips to the back of it. “I love you. You have to stay with me, okay? You can’t leave me. Not when I just figured it out.

“God, Buck,” he continued, whispering. “I’ve spent so long being so angry with you over that stupid lawsuit. I was so stupid. So fucking stupid. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Just — hang on, alright? Hang on so I can tell you properly.”

“One minute!” the pilot called out. “Prepare for landing!”

The helicopter touched down. A trauma team was already waiting, ready to whisk Buck away to the nearest OR.

It happened so fast. Someone was calling out Buck’s vitals and rattling off a report of all his suspected injuries. Someone else said something about a blood transfusion. A nurse took over giving Buck rescue breaths, squeezing the ambu bag over and over. 

In less than two minutes, Buck was unloaded from the helicopter and rushed inside, disappearing from Eddie’s sight before he could even say anything.

Eddie jumped down from the helicopter, intending to follow after Buck, but the second his feet hit the ground, his knees buckled. His stomach turned violently and he suddenly understood what was about to happen.

He bolted for the corner of the roof, bending at the waist, heaving until he emptied his stomach completely. 

His entire body trembled. Bracing both hands on his knees, he tried to catch his breath, sucking in mouthful after mouthful of cool, damp air.

“Sir?” One of the paramedics from the flight stood behind him. “Are you alright?”

A laugh slipped out of his mouth, but it was all wrong. There was no humor behind it.

“N-not exactly,” he answered, voice broken.

“I noticed you had some cuts on your face,” she continued. “Can I clean and dress those for you?”

Eddie shook his head. “No. I’m fine.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stood upright, turning to face the paramedic. “I should — I need to get in there. Buck —”

“Is going to be in surgery for a while,” she cut him off. “Let me clean you up so you’re ready to see him after he gets out of surgery.”

Before he could stop it, a sob slipped out of his mouth. “I l-love him.”

She softened. “I know. I can tell. So, let me take care of you now, so you can take care of him when he needs you. Because he’s going to need all the support he can get.”

Eddie sobbed again and nodded.

She led him back over to the chopper, helping Eddie up into it. The pilot was still in the cockpit. The second paramedic had gone inside to fill out some paperwork.

Gently, she guided Eddie down into a seat. She pulled gauze and saline out of her kit, wetting the gauze before dabbing at the cuts on Eddie’s face.

“How long have you two been together?” she asked softly.

Eddie let out a broken laugh. “We’re not.” He shook his head, more tears sliding down his cheeks. “I didn’t know until — he’s my best friend. We’re not together.”

She pursed her lips, twisting them to the side. “Well, make sure you tell him as soon as you can. I could see it in his eyes, in the way he responded to your voice.” She smiled, pausing her movements for a moment. “Whatever he feels for you, it’s pretty clear you’re important to him.”

Eddie laughed again. It turned into a choked sob.

“I really need him to be okay,” he whispered. “He was out there, all alone for — for hours.” Another sob broke. “He told me he thought he was going to die, all alone in the bottom of a ravine.”

Thinking about Buck, injured and hypothermic and unable to move at the bottom of that ravine, was going to haunt Eddie for a long, long time. 

“And you found him,” the paramedic said firmly. “He’s not dead at the bottom of a ravine because you found him and gave him a chance to survive.” She finished cleaning the cut across his eyebrow, tossing the gauze into the trash, before turning back to him and bandaging the cuts. “Don’t let him wake up alone.”

Eddie nodded, using the heel of his hand to wipe his cheeks. “I won’t. I swear I won’t.”

*

When Eddie finally made it down to the waiting room twenty minutes later, everyone was already there.

Bobby, Hen, and Chim still wore their turnouts, caked with dry mud. They all wore the same expression: stricken with grief and regret.

Athena and Maddie sat across from them, Maddie’s hand clasped tightly in Athena’s.

Eddie’s stomach started turning again at the sight of Buck’s sister. Her words from earlier echoed in his mind.

So you basically abandon the guy who has issues with attachment? Got it. Cool. That’s so great.

He stood in the doorway of the waiting room, frozen with fear and regret and shame. For a moment, he almost backed out of the room, not ready to face the torrent of questions and the wrath of Maddie, even if it was exactly what he deserved.

But then Bobby looked up and it was too late for him to slip away.

“Eddie, is he —” Bobby swallowed hard. “How is he?”

Everyone turned to look at him. Maddie jumped up from her seat and started towards him. She stopped halfway, something dark crossing her face.

“He’s alive. In — in surgery to try and control the hemorrhage,” Eddie mumbled, voice thick. “They had to intubate mid-flight.”

Maddie’s face crumpled. She held her palm over her mouth. “Oh my god, Evan,” she breathed.

Chimney looked miserable, like he wanted nothing more than to gather Maddie up in a hug, but he stayed sitting.

“That boy can’t catch a damn break,” Athena muttered, shaking her head. “And none of you have helped that case.”

Immediately, the atmosphere turned sour. Bobby hung his head in shame. Chimney covered his mouth with a hand, like he was trying to hold his sobs inside. Hen chewed on the inside of her cheek, staring at her hands.

Eddie took a step toward Maddie. Before he could stop the words from falling out of his mouth, he started rambling. “I love him. Maddie, I — I need him. I’m in love with him. I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I didn’t know until they —”

Maddie stepped forward, gathering Eddie into a hug. “I know you do, Eddie. He loves you too.”

Eddie felt more tears leak down his face, soaking into Maddie’s hair. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Maddie pulled back, hands wrapped around Eddie’s forearms. “Don’t tell me that. Tell him that.” She paused to take a breath. “I’m still mad at you. But tell him you’re sorry and that you love him. Whether he forgives you or not, that’s up to him.”

He nodded, a little too quickly, almost hysterical. “I will. I’m going too. I swear, I’m going to make this right.”

Maddie squeezed his arms before dropping her hands down to her sides. She forced a small smile before retreating back to her chair beside Athena.

Eddie looked around the room at all of them.

Bobby stared at the floor. Silent tears streamed down Hen’s face. Chimney sat with his elbows braced on his knees, one of his knees bouncing quickly.

He could feel another sob clawing its way up his throat, but he swallowed it down. The tears he’d been crying hadn’t really stopped, just slowed. He felt like he was two steps away from collapsing in a heap on the floor. 

So, he crossed the room and sank down into the chair beside Bobby. He wrung his hands together, feeling restless. Both of his knees started bouncing without permission.

For a long, tense minute, the room was completely silent.

Eddie couldn’t stand it.

“He thought he was going to die alone down there,” he blurted out. “Buck spent hours lying on the ground, thinking we wouldn’t notice that he didn’t show up to work.”

“I should’ve known better,” Bobby whispered. Unshed tears collected in his eyes. “I kept assigning him all the chores, making him man behind, everything. And he just always did it with no complaints. He was doing everything he could to prove he still belonged there and I — I shut him out. I’m his captain and I shut him out.” The tears started slowly sliding down his face.

“Bobby, we all did,” Eddie muttered. Hot, disgusted shame churned in his stomach. “He — so many times, he apologized. And I just let my anger fucking…consume me. And then I almost lost him before I —” he cut himself off, shaking his head.

“He told me he started running as a way to cope,” Hen whispered. “I didn’t really think anything of it. I thought maybe it was how he coped with the memories of the engine bombing. Or another way to get more training and strengthen his bad leg. I didn’t realize —”

Eddie wiped his cheeks. “Hen, we still wouldn’t know where he was if it wasn’t for you. You knew he’d taken to running. You knew his favorite trail. Without you…”

“No, I posted that picture of us,” Hen argued. “Last night on Instagram, I posted that group picture of us at dinner.”

Everyone fell silent. Maddie and Athena exchanged a look.

“Was Evan even invited to dinner last night?” Maddie asked, voice shaking. “You all said he was busy, that he couldn’t make it. Did any of you even invite him?”

The silence around the room answered her question for them.

“Robert Wade Nash,” Athena tutted. “You should be ashamed of yourself. That boy idolizes you. And you treat him like that?”

“Trust me, Athena. Nobody has to tell me to be ashamed. I am,” Bobby answered.

Maddie looked up at Bobby, staring at him for a long moment before dropping her gaze back down to her hands. Her eyebrows drew in, eyes going glassy.

“He kept saying things were going great at the station,” she murmured. “Every time I asked how everything was going, he told me that things were getting back to normal. He lied. He never told me you all shut him out. That he’d taken to running to avoid being alone in his loft. He never — he lied to protect all of you.”

The implication hit Eddie right in the chest, forcing all of the breath out of his lungs. He wanted nothing more than go back to Buck’s first day of work after the lawsuit and forgive him. No questions asked, just forgive, forget, and move on.

But they almost lost him again because they refused to see any other way but their own.

Fresh tears fell from Eddie’s eyes. “God, I love him.” He sat forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I love him. I didn’t know until the paramedics wanted to intubate him and I —”

Nobody asked what he meant. They all knew. They were all there when Shannon died.

“Make sure he knows,” Maddie demanded. “He deserves to know.”

Eddie nodded, lifting his head and looking at Maddie. “He probably hates me. He should hate me. I hate me.”

“No.” Maddie shook her head. “Evan could never hate anyone. He’s — he’s too forgiving. He’s got too much love to give to hate anyone, even if they deserve it.”

Chimney flinched. “We do. We do deserve it. Every little bit.” He sat back, running a hand through his hair. “So many times, he tried to apologize and I just didn’t listen to him. I just kept brushing him off.”

“And the worst part is that I could see he was trying,” Bobby uttered, voice soft and wrecked. “He came in early for shifts, he did all the jobs nobody else wanted to do, he didn’t argue when I made him man behind on every single call. He just — he accepted it. He did it. But I still gave him a cold shoulder because I was upset with him.”

“Trust me, nobody was more upset with him than he was,” Maddie said. “He was so angry with himself for being impulsive and filing that lawsuit. That’s why he dropped it. He didn’t want to take any money from any of you or the department or the city. He just wanted his job back. He just wanted his family back. That was it.”

An involuntary sob choked out of Eddie. “Jesus Christ, what did we do?”

Athena shook her head. “Now you focus on fixing it. Give him the choice of whether or not he forgives you. The last year has been nothing but people making decisions for him. Now, you apologize and you let him decide if he’s going to let you back into his life or not.” She held up a finger, directing it towards Bobby, but addressing all of them. “And if he decides not to forgive you, you accept his choice and let him live his life in peace.”

Everyone nodded in agreement because there was no other argument to be had.

*

A few hours went by.

Every time a doctor or a nurse came through the double doors at the end of the hallway, Eddie looked at them and hoped they had news about Buck.

But they never did.

At some point, Athena and Hen left to get coffee for everyone. Josh stopped by with lunch, offering Maddie his condolences and support.

Eddie had alternated between sitting in the waiting room, knees bouncing uncontrollably, and pacing the long hallway outside of the waiting room.

Sometime in the early afternoon, he’d called Carla to let her know what was going on. Since Eddie was supposed to be on shift, she was already planning on picking Chris up from school, but she hadn’t hesitated to offer to stay with Chris for the night.

“You’re where you should be,” she’d said, “give Buckaroo my best wishes.”

Eddie had sat on the floor in the hallway after hanging up with her, forehead pressed to his knees, and sobbed at the thought of keeping Chris from Buck since the lawsuit.

Chris had begged and begged to see Buck. A movie night, dinner, a trip to the zoo. Anything. He just wanted to see Buck.

But Eddie had denied him. Told Chris that Buck was too busy, he didn’t have time.

And the entire time Eddie was telling Chris that, Buck was running to cope with the silence and the loneliness.

Eddie was never going to forgive himself. 

It was nearing 5:00 when Maddie came and found him in the hallway.

“Eddie,” she murmured.

He lifted his head off of his knees, feeling wrung out and exhausted. He looked at her.

“The doctor has an update,” she said. “I told him I had to find you before he said anything.”

Eddie scrambled up from the floor. “Th-thank you, Maddie. Thank you.” He followed Maddie back into the waiting room.

Everyone was already standing, gathered around the doctor when Maddie and Eddie entered the room. They joined the circle, staring at the doctor expectantly.

“Let me just begin by saying that Mr. Buckley is stable,” the doctor began.

Eddie let out a breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding. He thought by now that he would’ve run out of tears to cry, but fresh ones fell down his cheeks.

“However, he’s still critical.” The doctor reached up and slid his cap off. “My name is Dr. Roberts. I was the trauma surgeon overseeing Mr. Buckley’s case. He sustained a pretty significant pelvic fracture, which is common with the kind of blunt-force trauma he experienced. The fracture caused substantial internal bleeding, which is why his blood pressure was so low when he arrived.

“Because of that, we did activate a massive transfusion protocol,” Dr. Roberts continued. “He’s received six units of blood products so far. We’ve also stopped his blood thinner and gave him medication to help reverse its effect. Fortunately, we were able to get the hemorrhage under control and temporarily stabilize the pelvic fracture.”

“Is he going to need surgery to fix the fracture?” Maddie asked, her eyes bright red and shiny.

Dr. Roberts shook his head. “Eventually, possibly. Right now, we’re more concerned with keeping him warm and stable. My team and I are going to work to bring his blood pressure and temperature back up. Once his condition improves, an orthopedic team will determine if the fracture needs surgical intervention or not.”

“Has his temperature improved?” Eddie asked. He picked at the cuticle on his thumb nail without realizing.

“Yes. Through warm fluids and forced-air warming, his temperature has gone up to 95 degrees. Obviously that’s still below a normal body temperature, but he’s responding well to treatment. We'll continue warming measures until he reaches a safe temperature.”

“Did he have any sort of spinal injury?” Hen cut in. “He said he couldn’t feel his legs when we were working on him.”

“He’s shown no signs of a spinal injury,” Dr. Roberts confirmed. “The numbness was likely related to the pelvic trauma and swelling. We’ll continue to monitor, but we’ve seen no indication of a spinal cord injury or other major trauma.”

Eddie saw Maddie reach for Chim’s hand, linking their fingers together. He would’ve given anything to hold Buck’s hand right now.

“Have his other vitals improved?” Bobby asked. Athena stood next to him, her arm snaked around his waist.

“After the transfusion, his blood pressure improved to 98/67. There’s obviously room for improvement there, but given the nature of his injuries, it’s encouraging. His heart rate has steadily climbed since we began active warming, though we’re still keeping him sedated and intubated for the time being. His body has been through an enormous amount of stress. The ventilator helps take some of the stress of breathing off of him while his vitals continue to stabilize.”

“How long will he need to be on the ventilator?” Chim asked.

“We’ll keep him on the ventilator overnight and watch his vitals closely. If they hold steady through the night and into the morning, we’ll begin lowering his dose of sedation and see how he does off the ventilator. If he does well breathing on his own, we’ll be able to remove the breathing tube.”

Hen grabbed Eddie’s hand and squeezed it.

“Mr. Buckley got very lucky,” Dr. Roberts stated. “Another thirty minutes and we’d be having a very different conversation right now.”

A sharp exhale forced its way out of Eddie.

Lucky.

Struck by a car, thrown down a forty-foot ravine, left alone in the rain for hours, unable to move because of his injuries, and nearly froze to death.

But he was alive.

Buck was still alive, and while it wouldn’t be an easy road ahead, at least he still had a road to follow.

“Can I — can we see him?” Eddie asked. There was a tremor in his voice that he couldn’t stop, no matter how hard he tried.

Dr. Roberts nodded. “We’re still getting him settled in the ICU, but as soon as he is, I’ll have someone show you to his room. You’ll have to keep it to two at a time for now.”

Dr. Roberts left after that.

Eddie, no longer able to stay upright, dropped into one of the cracked vinyl chairs. He covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath. A hand landed on his back, rubbing gentle circles across it.

This time, when the tears started falling, it wasn’t just grief and heartbreak.

There was a little bit of hope beginning to shine through the darkness.

*

An hour later, Maddie and Eddie were walking down the long hallway that led to the ICU, following behind a bright-eyed nurse that had just started her night shift.

“Alright, he’s just through here,” the nurse said, coming to a stop and gesturing to the closed door in front of them. “My name is Becca if you need anything.”

After thanking her, Maddie opened the door and went through. She made a wounded sound as she crossed the room over to Buck.

Eddie hesitated a moment before following her. He gently shut the door behind him before turning his gaze to Buck.

Instantly, his chin started quivering. He bit down hard on his lip in an effort to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. 

Buck looked so small under all of the warming blankets. The color of his skin had improved, but he was still far too pale, which only made the bruises on his face look darker than they actually were. Eddie couldn’t tell if his lips were still blue around the ventilator tube.

He slowly made his way over. He turned his gaze to the monitor behind Buck’s bed, the one that was constantly reading his vitals.

His blood pressure had climbed since the doctor spoke with them, now holding at 103/65.

An IV pole was positioned next to the bed. A bag of whole blood hung on one side, the dark red fluid slowly making its way through the tube and into Buck’s veins. On the other side, a bag of warm saline dripped through the IV in the back of his hand. The ventilator hissed as it breathed for Buck, a mechanical, methodical sound that made Eddie’s stomach twist. 

He finally dropped his gaze down to Buck as he reached the bedside. Slowly, carefully, like he was afraid to hurt him further, Eddie reached out and grabbed Buck’s hand.

It was warmer now than it had been on the helicopter, but still far too cold for someone as warm as Buck.

Eddie could hear Maddie speaking softly to Buck, but he didn’t register anything she said. He was too focused on the feeling of Buck’s hand in his. He gently lifted two fingers on his other hand and placed them on Buck’s wrist, right over his pulse point.

The weak, but steady pulse throbbed under his fingertips.

“Hey, Buck,” he whispered. His eyes started burning. “I have some things I need to tell you, so I need you to come back to me, baby. It’s alright if you need to take some time. You’ve been through a lot, I know you need the rest.” He brushed his thumb across Buck’s knuckles. Without even thinking about it, he lifted Buck’s hand to his mouth and pressed a soft kiss to the back of it. “I’m not going anywhere, Buck. Never again. If you — if you give me another chance, I’ll never leave your side again.”

And the only answer he got was a hiss from the ventilator and a quiet sob from Maddie.

*

Somebody was shaking Eddie’s shoulder.

He cracked his eyes open, at first a little confused by his surroundings before his gaze settled on Buck’s hand.

Eddie’s was on top of his, like a protective shield.

His cheek was pressed against the blanket that was still actively warming Buck. Lifting his head, he blinked a couple of times and glanced over his shoulder.

“Bobby,” he rasped. “What time is it?”

“Nearly 11:00. You should go home, Eddie,” Bobby answered. He sat in the chair beside Eddie. “It’s been a long day. You could use a proper bed.”

Eddie cleared his throat. He rubbed his eyes, trying to force the exhaustion away. “Uh, no. I promised Buck I’d be here when he woke up. I don't want him to be alone.”

“The doctors have him sedated,” Bobby said. He was talking to Eddie, but his eyes never left Buck. “He won’t wake up until the doctors lower his sedation, which they said probably wouldn’t be until morning, so you should go home and rest.”

“I don’t want him to be alone at all,” Eddie corrected. “He was all alone out there. I’m not leaving him. Besides, you’re still here.”

Bobby sighed. “Athena took Maddie home. Hen drove Chim back to the station to get his car. I just — I didn’t want to leave him either.”

Eddie furrowed his brow. He scrunched his nose, trying to hold back the sudden emotion that wanted to flood his eyes. “I’m so fucking angry at myself, Bobby,” he whispered. “Why didn’t I just accept his apology the first time he gave it? If I hadn’t been so — so selfish and angry, he would’ve never taken up running and this wouldn’t have happened.”

“You don’t know that, Eddie. This isn’t your fault,” Bobby responded. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I’m his captain. I’m supposed to be better than that. But I’m not. I failed him. Totally and completely failed him.”

Eddie bent forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. He clenched both of his hands into a fist and pressed them against his forehead.

“I didn’t know I loved him until they wanted to intubate him,” Eddie mumbled. “The paramedics said that and I — I panicked. I was so worried because when Shannon was intubated, she never made it to the hospital. The person I loved died with a tube in her throat.” A traitorous tear escaped his eye. “And then I was watching Buck slip away and it just hit me. Of course. Of course I’m in love with Buck. How could I not be?”

Bobby softened, turning to look at Eddie. “You two are good for each other. I knew you would be from the moment I convinced you to join our station.”

“I think — I thought I was angry with him because he hurt us. You know, he filed that lawsuit against you and we had to go to that arbitration hearing. I thought I was angry because he told that lawyer everything about Shannon. Everything about you.” Eddie looked up at Buck. “But I think — no, I know now — that I was angry because I missed him. Because I couldn’t see him or speak to him. And it felt like a breakup. It felt like Buck had broken up with me and I had to learn to live without him.”

Eddie let out a breathless, self-deprecating laugh. “I’m the biggest goddamn idiot in the world. I’ve been in love with him this whole time and I didn’t even know.”

“But you can fix it, Eddie,” Bobby said softly. “He’s still here. I know Athena said we have to earn his forgiveness, and we do, but Buck is a good kid. He’s got the biggest heart out of anyone I've ever met. He might need some time, but —” He paused. “But, even if he doesn’t forgive any of us, at least we have the chance to apologize. We have the chance to tell him how loved he is, even if we haven’t shown it lately.”

Another tear slipped down Eddie’s face. He leaned back in his chair, rubbing a hand over his mouth.

“I’m going to tell him,” Eddie whispered. “Everything. I’m going to tell him that I’m sorry, that I fucked up, that he deserves better.” He blew out a shaky breath. “That I love him.”

Bobby reached over and patted Eddie’s back. “That’s all you can do.” He then reached out and laid his hand over Buck’s. “I’m going to tell him too.” He laughed softly. “Though I don’t think I love him the same way you do.”

A surprised laugh slipped out of Eddie. “No, probably not.”

“I am going to tell him that I look at him like he’s my son,” Bobby resolved. “I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do or not, but I feel like I have to tell him. I have to explain why I did things the way I did.”

“I think he’d want to hear that, Bobby,” Eddie said softly. He looked over at him. “Because he looks at you like a father. Like you’re his dad.”

Bobby’s eyes turned glassy. A weak smile spread across his face. “I really love this kid.”

Eddie gazed over at Buck. “Yeah. I love him too.”

They lapsed into silence, only the hiss of the ventilator filling the quiet of the ICU.

*

Dr. Roberts came into the room at 7:00 a.m.

By now, Eddie, Bobby, and Maddie were all sipping bad cups of hospital coffee. They circled Buck’s bed, like they were his security detail.

As the night had gone on, Eddie had watched the monitor behind Buck’s bed. Slowly, his blood pressure had improved to 124/83. His heart rate held steady at 68 beats per minute.

And most importantly, his core temp had improved to 98 degrees. That had been around 1:00 this morning when the night shift nurses came in during their rounds.

“He responded very well to the warming measures,” Becca had said. “We’re going to continue to monitor, but we can stop active rewarming.”

Eddie had nearly cried again when he reached out and felt the warmth of Buck’s skin after the nurses had left the room.

Buck was like sunshine in human form; he was supposed to be warm and bright all the time. Never cold.

“Good morning,” Dr. Roberts said as he walked into the room. “I hope you all got some rest last night.”

Maddie smiled. “We tried our best.”

Eddie didn’t care to make small talk. “His vitals held stable all night.”

Dr. Roberts chuckled. “Ah, yes. I forgot you’re all medical professionals.” He crossed over to Buck’s bedside. “I’m very pleased with how Mr. Buckley responded to treatment. Overnight, we were able to stop active rewarming. His core temperature has stabilized at 98 degrees, which is exactly where it should be. In addition to that, his blood pressure has improved and remained stable following the transfusion. He’s in a much better place now.”

“So what does that mean?” Maddie asked, almost timid, like she was scared to get her hopes up.

“It means, Ms. Buckley, that we’re going to begin reducing your brother's sedation.” Dr. Roberts gave her an encouraging smile. “If he tolerates that well and he’s able to breathe on his own, we’ll begin the process of removing the ventilator.”

Bobby nodded. “And he’ll wake up then?”

“That’s the goal,” Dr. Roberts confirmed. “Assuming everything continues to go well, he could be awake as early as this afternoon.”

Eddie blew out a breath, reaching down and laying his hand over Buck’s wrist. His pulse beat stronger now, no longer thready or weak under Eddie’s fingertips.

But only when he saw those striking blue eyes would Eddie be able to relax completely.

“You got this, Buckley,” he whispered. Despite Maddie and Bobby watching him, he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to Buck’s forehead. “Come back to us,” he murmured. “We’re all waiting for you.”

____________________

The first thing Buck became aware of was sound.

A steady beep, a mechanical hissing, a soft voice encouraging him to wake up, telling him he wasn’t alone, that he was loved.

“We don’t deserve you, baby,” the voice said. “But, if you’ll let me, I’m going to stand by you forever. I love you, Buck. I really need you to wake up.”

He wasn’t sure whose voice it was, but it had been so long since someone had spoken to him like that, so soft and warm. Like he was wanted. Loved. He almost forgot what it felt like. 

He became aware of touch next.

A gentle hand holding his. Someone brushing the hair off of his forehead. The dull ache that pulsed through his body.

It was sometime after that when he started choking. There was something shoved in his throat and he couldn’t breathe.

Panic clawed up his spine. His eyes flew open wide, uncoordinated hands trying to rip out whatever was down his throat.

“Hey, hey,” that same soft voice from before, “Buck, easy. Easy.” Hands grabbed him, circling his wrists and pulling them away from his mouth. “The doctor is on his way, okay? Just breathe with the machine, try to breathe with it.”

Buck looked up at the person talking to him.

Warm, brown eyes that he’d recognize blind met him.

Eddie.

Buck instantly relaxed at the sight of him. He stopped fighting against the hold Eddie had on him, sinking into the mattress.

“There he is,” Eddie murmured, his eyes glassy. A soft smile crossed his face. “There’s my Buck. Just a few more minutes, okay? I’ve got you.”

Buck nodded, never taking his eyes off of Eddie, who continued to smile down at him like he was the best thing Eddie had ever seen.

Buck could bask under the glow of that smile for the rest of his life.

A few moments later, a team of doctors and nurses burst into the room. They became a flurry of movement, forcing Eddie to step back while they worked.

“Okay, Mr. Buckley,” one of the doctors said after a tube had been pulled out of his throat, “can you take a deep breath for me?”

Buck coughed a few times, a raw ache in his throat, then took a deep breath. Tears filled his dry, scratchy eyes.

“Good, Evan, that’s very good,” the doctor encouraged. Somebody slipped an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. “Keep taking deep breaths.”

At some point, Eddie had snuck in beside the doctors, standing at the head of the bed, and was holding Buck’s hand, gripping it tightly.

Eventually, all of the medical professionals filtered out of the room. Only one doctor remained.

“Mr. Buckley, my name is Dr. Roberts,” he started. “Do you know where you are?”

Buck cleared his throat. “N-no,” he rasped, his voice barely a whisper.

Eddie squeezed his hand.

“You’re at First Presbyterian Hospital,” Dr. Roberts answered. “You’ve had an accident, but you’re going to be okay.”

Thoughts came back in fragments.

The rain.

The car.

Falling.

Cold.

Alone.

His heart missed a beat. “Th-the kid?”

“He’s okay,” Eddie answered. “Already treated for minor injuries.”

Buck could already feel himself fading, his eyelids heavy and drooping.

“Good,” he mumbled. He lifted his gaze to Eddie’s face. “Please don’t leave.”

Eddie shook his head. “Wasn’t planning on it.”

And then Buck gave in to the exhaustion, letting sleep pull him back under.

*

The next time Buck woke, Maddie and Athena sat at his bedside. Everything felt less hazy now. Less like he’d woken up from a medical coma and more like he’d woken up from a night of sleep.

“Evan,” Maddie breathed when she noticed he was awake. She sat forward, grasping his hand. “Hey. Hi. H-how are you?”

“H-hey,” he whispered. He could feel a nasal cannula in his nose. “Water.”

Athena reached over to the table and grabbed the styrofoam cup, holding it up to his mouth. Buck swallowed, relishing the cool relief it brought to his sore throat.

He laid back against the pillow. “How long was I out?”

Maddie’s eyes filled with tears. “About a day and a half. You were intubated for about twenty-two hours.”

Buck sighed. “How bad is it?”

“You nearly froze to death out there,” Athena cut in. “Fractured pelvis, internal hemorrhage, hypothermic.”

“It was too close, Evan. Way too close,” Maddie said shakily. “But you’re going to be okay. The orthopedics team took you for imaging after you were disconnected from the vent. They said you don’t need to have surgery on the fracture, but you still have a long road to recovery.”

Buck forced a wobbly smile. “Guess I’m probably done at the 118 then, huh? Don’t think Bobby will hold my spot any longer.” The smile fell as quickly as it came.

“You don’t need to worry about that right now, Buck,” Maddie said. “You have a long recovery ahead of you, your job doesn’t matter.”

Buck opened his mouth to argue that yes, being a firefighter did matter, but Athena beat him to it.

“Besides, Bobby isn’t going to fire you,” she said, sitting back in her chair and crossing one leg over the other.

A humorless laugh fell out of his mouth. “He’s been looking for an excuse to fire me since I came back from the lawsuit, Athena. This gives him the perfect opportunity.”

Athena shook her head. “He’s not going to fire you,” she repeated. “He spent all night at your bedside, just waiting for you to wake up.”

Buck’s stomach swooped. His head throbbed.

“He — he did?” he asked.

“Mhm,” Athena hummed. “Eddie did too. Couldn’t even get him to leave and go home to Christopher.”

Buck swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Really?”

Maddie nodded. “I think this helped them put everything into perspective. Made them realize how terrible they’ve been to you.” She leaned in closer to Buck. “Why didn’t you tell me what was going on, Evan? I could’ve talked to Chimney, I could’ve helped you fix it.”

“It wasn’t your problem to fix, Maddie,” Buck argued. A dull ache pulsed through his body. “Besides, I didn’t want them to forgive me just because my older sister told them to. I didn’t want forced forgiveness.”

“Buck, you realize they were just as wrong as you were, right?” Athena cut in. “The lawsuit was a lot, but you dropped it. You didn’t take any money from the settlement. And you apologized multiple times to everyone. They have to earn your forgiveness too.”

He took a breath, inhaling slowly and blowing it back out. His vision went blurry.

“I didn’t want to sue Bobby. I didn’t — I just wanted to go back to work with the people that became my family. That’s it,” Buck whispered.

Athena softened. “I know that, baby, and now they do too.” She set her hand over Buck’s knee, brushing her thumb across the sheet that covered him. “Sometimes it takes almost losing something to fully realize what you have. What you could lose in the blink of an eye. I’m not saying I’m happy you had this accident, not even in the slightest, but they all understand now. I’m sorry that it took this for them to realize.”

A tear fell over his waterline, tracing a slow path down his cheek. “Thanks for being here. Both of you,” he whispered. “I love you guys.”

Maddie sniffled. “I love you too, baby brother.”

“I love you too, Buckaroo,” Athena cooed.

Buck shot them a wobbly smile. “Wh-where is everyone else?”

“I had to threaten to arrest Bobby to go home and get some sleep,” Athena chuckled. “He only left a couple of hours ago. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s back soon.”

“Hen and Chim are going to stop by later,” Maddie added. “They were both here all day yesterday. And Eddie went—”

The door into the room opened. Eddie stepped through, holding a cup of coffee in his hand.

“Eddie’s right there,” Maddie corrected. She exchanged a look with Athena. “And the two of us are going to go get something to eat. Any special requests from the patient?”

Buck shook his head, his heart in his throat at the sight of Eddie. “No, thank you.”

A moment later, it was just Buck and Eddie in the room.

Until recently, Buck hadn’t found it hard to have a conversation with Eddie. The way they talked to each other came naturally, the words just flowing between them like a swift current on a river.

Now though, it was like the river had dried up completely. Buck didn’t know how to talk to Eddie anymore.

The silence stretched for a minute, then two.

Eddie shuffled over to the chair Maddie had just vacated, sinking down into it. He was gripping his coffee cup so tight that his knuckles turned white.

“Hi,” Eddie said softly. There were several cuts across his face, over his eyebrows and along his cheeks.

“Hi,” Buck echoed. He cleared his throat. “What happened—”

At the same time, Eddie said, “I’m sorry.”

Buck stilled. “Oh.”

Eddie set his coffee on the tray table. “Buck, I am so, so sorry for everything. For the way I’ve acted since you came back to work. For keeping Christopher from you. And you don’t have to forgive me, I wouldn’t forgive me—”

“I already forgave you, Eddie,” Buck cut in.

Eddie furrowed his brows. He shook his head. “No, I don’t — Buck, I don’t deserve that.”

“You don’t get to decide for me, Eddie. That’s been the whole problem since I was crushed by the engine. Everyone keeps trying to make decisions for me,” Buck snapped. “You’re my best friend. I forgive you.”

“Just like that, you forgive me?” Eddie asked. He leaned towards Buck, lifting his hand like he wanted to grab Buck’s hand before dropping it back down into his lap. “Even after everything, I’m still your best friend?

Buck shrugged. “Yeah. Even after everything, you’re still my best friend.”

“After the way I treated you?” Eddie muttered. “After I brushed off all of your apologies and ignored you? After I stopped you from seeing Chris?”

Buck nodded. “I never stopped being your friend, Eddie, even after you stopped being mine.”

Tears started falling down Eddie’s face with no warning. “Jesus Christ. You just — you’re too good for me, baby. You’re too good for any of us. I don’t understand. We treated you like shit, every single one of us treated you like you were invisible, and you still forgive me without any explanation.”

“B-baby?” Buck whispered.

All of the color drained out of Eddie’s face. He opened his mouth, then closed it again.

Buck held his breath.

This time, when Eddie reached a hand out, he grabbed Buck’s and linked their fingers together. Their hands fit together perfectly, like two puzzle pieces.

He froze. They’d never done this. He had never held Eddie’s hand. He never even let himself think about it, no matter how badly he wanted Eddie’s hand in his.

“I had some…revelations while you were sleeping,” Eddie murmured. He stared at their linked hands, brushing his thumb across Buck’s knuckles. “When the paramedics with air support wanted to intubate, I kind of…panicked.”

Buck swallowed hard. “You did?”

Eddie nodded. “I told them not to. I freaked out and told them not to because the last time someone I loved was intubated, she—” he cut himself off, lifting his hand to wipe at his cheeks. “I told the paramedics that I would just give you rescue breaths because I couldn’t stand the thought of you having a tube down your throat.”

Buck wasn’t sure he heard Eddie correct.

“Someone you…someone you love?” he whispered.

Eddie twisted his lips to the side, nodding slowly. “Yeah. Someone I love.” He looked up at Buck, meeting his gaze. “I’m in love with you. I didn’t know it until yesterday, but I do. I love you, Buck.”

Buck didn’t know what to say back to him.

For so long, he tried not to love Eddie.

Eddie, his straight best friend. Eddie, who realized all it took was a few kind words for Buck to stop making a competition out of everything during Eddie’s first shift at the 118. Eddie, who’d been the best friend Buck had ever had. Eddie, who’d still trusted Buck with Christopher, even after the tsunami.

Eddie, who’d been completely blindsided by the lawsuit.

And now, Eddie sat in front of him, holding his hand and confessing his love for Buck.

“And listen, I know this seems sudden, but I almost lost you again. I didn’t want to waste another day without you knowing how loved you really are,” Eddie stated. “You deserve to know. Because you are so loved, Buck. I am so sorry I ever made you feel like I didn’t love you. Or want you. Or care for you. I do, more than anyone I’ve ever loved before.”

Buck bit down on his lip, completely taken aback.

Eddie took a shaky breath. “And you don’t have to say it back, I know—”

“No, you don’t know,” Buck cut in.

Eddie blinked. “What?”

“You don’t know how long I’ve loved you, Eddie,” Buck continued. “I tried to stop, but I don’t think it’s possible. I love you too. I think I’ve loved you since the first day I met you.”

“You love me?” Eddie whispered.

Buck nodded, smiling at him. A few tears slipped down his cheeks. “Yeah. I love you. Since that day in the ambulance when we promised to have each other's backs, I’ve loved you.”

Eddie made a wounded sound, his expression falling. “We promised to have each other's backs, but I didn’t. I didn’t have your back during the lawsuit. I’m so sorry, Buck. I’m so sorry about everything.”

Buck squeezed his hand. “I forgive you, Eddie.”

“And for the record,” Eddie continued, “you never stopped being my best friend either. Even during the worst of it, you were still my best friend. You always will be.”

Buck drew Eddie’s hand to his chest. “Get over here, Diaz.”

Eddie stood from his chair and carefully lowered himself onto the bed. His thigh brushed along Buck’s hip. So quickly Buck almost missed it, Eddie’s eyes flicked down to Buck’s mouth before darting back up.

Buck smiled, though he was beginning to feel tired. “Ask me.”

“What?” Eddie breathed.

“Ask if you can kiss me.”

Eddie laughed, a breathless little sound. “Can I kiss you, Buck?”

Buck’s cheeks flushed. He nodded.

Their mouths met in a soft kiss. Eddie’s lips were warm and pillowy against his. A million times, Buck had imagined what it would be like to kiss Eddie.

This exceeded even his wildest dreams.

When Eddie pulled back, he was crying again. Buck was too, but this time, it was tears of happiness. Relief.

“I didn’t even know that was something I wanted to do until yesterday, but now I don’t think I can live without it,” Eddie giggled, which was the most beautiful sound Buck had ever heard.

“You’re never going to get rid of me now, Eddie,” Buck teased. “I’m a clinger. I cling.”

“Good. I want you to cling to me for the rest of our lives, if you’ll have me,” Eddie responded. “I don’t ever want to let you go. Not again.”

Buck smiled. “So don’t let me go.” Then a huge yawn cracked his jaw and made his eyes water.

“Go to sleep, baby. I’ll be here when you wake up,” Eddie murmured. He slid back into the chair, but he never let go of Buck’s hand.

“Promise?” Buck asked, already halfway asleep.

Eddie lifted Buck’s hand and kissed the back of it. “I promise.”

*

When Buck woke again, Bobby was sitting in the chair beside Eddie. For a moment, he just watched the two of them talking quietly.

Eddie was still holding Buck’s hand.

The heart monitor reading Buck’s pulse beeped a little faster, giving him away.

Bobby turned to the monitor, then looked at Buck. “Hey, kid,” he said softly, smiling.

Something warm rushed through Buck. It’d been a long time since he’d had Bobby’s smile directed at him. 

“Hi, Bobby,” he answered.

Eddie squeezed Buck’s hand. “I’ll give you two some time.” He stood up, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Buck’s temple. “I’m going to grab some coffee.”

Buck wasn’t used to this yet, the casual intimacy with Eddie. He was kind of obsessed with it.

After Eddie left the room, it was quiet for a long moment.

Buck cleared his throat. “What, uh, what happened to Eddie’s face?” he asked, breaking the silence.

Bobby chuckled. “He pretty much threw himself down that hill to get to you. No harness, no safety equipment, no regard for his own safety. The brush cut him pretty good.”

Buck furrowed his brows, taking a second to process. “He threw himself down the hill to get to me?”

“Yeah. There was no stopping him,” Bobby nodded. “I should probably reprimand him for it, but honestly, I almost did the same thing. If it wasn’t for Hen holding me back…” he trailed off, eyes glazing over.

Then, he blinked. He took a deep breath.

“I owe you the biggest apology, Buck,” Bobby started. “I’m your captain. I’m supposed to treat everyone in my team equally and fairly. And I am so sorry that I didn’t. I can’t say it enough, Buck. It’ll never be enough.” Bobby paused to take a breath. “I have transfer papers ready for you, whenever you’re cleared to work again, if that’s something you want.”

Buck's heart dropped. Bile crawled up his throat.

“You’re — you’re transferring me?” he whispered.

“No, god no,” Bobby insisted. “I don’t want you to leave the station. Hell, I don’t even want to let you out of my sight anymore, but I wanted to give you the option. I can’t imagine you’d want to stick around and put up with me any longer, but I don’t want you to go, Buck. More than anything, I want you at my station. I want to keep being your captain.”

A sigh of relief slipped out. “I don’t want to transfer, Bobby. I’ve only ever wanted to work at the 118 with you as my captain. That was the whole point of the lawsuit. Not for a pay out or an ‘I told you so’ moment. I just wanted to come home to my family.”

Bobby’s eyes turned glassy. “I was really hoping you were going to say that. I’m so sorry, Buck. I’m sorry I failed you. I swear to you, I will never make a decision for you, ever again. You told me you were ready to come back to work, your doctors said you were ready. It wasn’t my place to let my fear get in the way. Things are going to be different around the station, I promise. I’m going to be a better captain, a better friend, a — a better father.”

Buck’s breath caught. “A better father?”

“I’ve always kind of thought of you as a son,” Bobby admitted, a small smile tugging at his mouth. “I sure love you like one.”

Buck’s vision went blurry. “I love you too, Bobby.”

“Can I hug you?”

Buck nodded, barely holding back his tears and opening his arms. Bobby leaned over the bed and wrapped his arms around him.

Buck melted into it. A sob clawed its way up his throat, slipping out before he could stop it.

“I’m sorry, kid. I’m so sorry,” Bobby whispered against his hair.

“I missed you,” Buck murmured.

“I missed you too,” Bobby replied.

Buck closed his eyes, burying his face into Bobby’s neck.

Despite the fact that he was lying in a hospital bed and staring down a long recovery path again, Buck felt whole.

For the first time in a long time, Buck let himself believe that maybe things were going to be alright after all.

_____________________

Altogether, Buck spent nearly ten days in the hospital.

Luckily, despite the internal bleeding, he hadn’t needed surgery to repair the fracture in his pelvis. He was able to begin physical therapy a few days before being discharged.

Chris had convinced Buck to come stay with them while he recovered.

Eddie had brought Chris to the hospital after school one day to see Buck. They hadn’t seen each other since before the lawsuit, so both of them had been overjoyed. For hours, Chris sat on Buck’s bed, getting him up to speed on everything Buck had missed out on.

Eventually, Eddie had to be the bad guy and cut the night short.

“You’ve got school in the morning, Chris,” he’d said, much to Chris’s (and Buck’s) dismay. “But don’t worry, you can come back tomorrow.”

Chris had lit up. “Buck should just come stay with us when he gets out of here! Can he, Dad? Please, can he stay with us?”

Eddie was immediately on board. Buck had taken a little convincing, but he’d never been able to say no to Chris.

So, on the day Buck was set to be discharged, Eddie swung by the loft and packed a duffel bag of the comfiest clothes Buck owned before heading to the hospital.

Hen and Chimney were there, keeping Buck company during his physical therapy. Both of them had apologized and made amends during Buck’s hospital stay. Buck, being the ever forgiving person he was, forgave them both. 

Things were as they should be once again.

Only…maybe a little better than before. Because now Eddie got to hold Buck’s hand. He got to kiss Buck whenever he wanted. He got to love Buck openly, like Buck deserved. 

“Alright,” Eddie said as he walked into the hospital room. “I’ve got sweatpants, I've got hoodies, I’ve got fuzzy socks.” He dropped the duffel bag on the end of the bed and looked at Buck. “And enough changes of clothes that we won’t have to go back to the loft for a long time.”

Buck smiled. “Good. I spent a long time staring at the walls of that place. I’m not in any hurry to see it again.”

Eddie’s chest tightened. “Well, that’s good because I’m planning on holding you hostage until…forever.”

“Planning on holding me hostage until forever?” Buck gasped dramatically. “I can already feel the Stockholm syndrome developing.”

“Perfect,” Eddie hummed.

“God, is this how it’s going to be now?” Hen groaned. “I thought you two were annoying before you started kissing each other.”

Chim shot her a look. “We are so screwed, Hen. It’s us versus them now.”

Hen snorted. She stood up from her chair. “Please. It’s always been that way, Chim.” She looked at Buck. “I’ll stop by tomorrow. Make Eddie bow down and kiss your feet.”

“Jokes on you, Hen. I’d do that without him even asking,” Eddie quipped.

“Whipped,” Chim muttered. He followed Hen to the door. “Maddie and I are bringing dinner sometime in the next couple of days.”

A few minutes later, it was just Buck and Eddie in the room. Buck sat on the edge of the mattress, feet planted on the floor.

“You ready to get out of here?” Eddie asked.

Buck nodded. “Yeah.” He paused, his cheeks going red. “I, uh, I’m probably going to need help changing. And showering. And…well, basically everything for the next few months. Are you sure you’re up for that?”

Eddie softened. He crossed the room over to Buck and set his hands on Buck’s shoulders, dipping his head to catch his eyes.

“Buck, there is nothing I want more,” he murmured. He pressed his thumb against Buck’s collarbone. “I promise. We’ve got lost time to make up for.”

“It’s going to be a lot,” Buck mumbled. “I can — I’m not always the best patient. I can be a lot.”

Eddie leaned in, capturing Buck’s mouth with his. He kissed him slow and sweet, pouring every bit of love he had for Buck into it.

He pressed his forehead to Buck’s, leaving just enough room to breathe between them.

“I know I don’t have your trust back yet,” he whispered. “But I’m going to prove to you that I’m never leaving you again. You’re not too much, baby. Never too much.”

The shy smile that grew on Buck’s face made Eddie’s heart miss a beat.

“You’re sure?” Buck asked.

“More sure than I’ve ever been about anything,” Eddie confirmed.

“Okay.” This time, Buck leaned in and kissed Eddie.

Kissing Buck kind of made Eddie dizzy. He loved it.

Eddie helped Buck change into sweatpants and a hoodie before sliding fuzzy socks onto his feet and helping tie his shoes.

After Buck signed all of his discharge paperwork, one of the dayshift nurses wheeled him down to the hospital entrance to where Eddie had pulled the truck around. Eddie helped him up into the cab, reaching over and buckling him in.

Eddie climbed into the driver's seat. He stretched his hand across the gear shift. “Ready to go home?”

Buck grabbed his hand, linking their fingers together. He smiled. “Ready.”

Eddie put the truck in drive.

And they went home.

____________________

8 MONTHS LATER

Buck took a deep breath.

For the first time in almost a year, he wore his uniform. He walked through the station with his hand tucked in Eddie’s. 

“You ready?” Eddie murmured, smiling that soft little grin that made Buck dizzy. 

“More than ready,” Buck answered, squeezing Eddie’s hand. 

Together, they walked upstairs to the loft. 

“WELCOME BACK!”

Buck flinched as they reached the top of the stairs. He looked across the room and nearly burst into tears. 

Hen, Chim, Maddie, Athena, and Bobby all stood underneath a banner that stretched across the room.

WELCOME HOME, BUCK! WE MISSED YOU! 

On the counter beneath the banner, there was a cake big enough to feed the entire station twice. 

“Oh,” Buck breathed. 

“This is what you deserved the first time,” Eddie murmured. “When you came back from the lawsuit. I’m sorry it took us so long.”

Bobby stepped forward, arms open for a hug. Buck didn’t hesitate to melt into it. 

“Welcome home, son,” Bobby said. 

Buck was finally home with his family. 

He was finally right where he belonged.