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Vollachian Nightlife was brutal, Veryincharactervollachiannamehere Smith (First, Last) could say that for sure. (How does he even cite???)
Every single day, it appeared as if someone were to be maimed or worse. As soon as he thinks this, a sound akin to glass shattering rings out in the background.
Oh well. Survival of the fittest, and such.
As a bouncer, his job was simple—stand in the front, and make sure no kids were to enter the bar.
"Excuse me, sir!" A childish voice rings out.
Mr. Smith looks down, to find two very obvious adults with full beards and mustaches that were definitely NOT fake, both suffering from dwarfism.
"Aren't y'all some sopranos, huh?"
...
The one with the antlers whispers in the black-haired one's ears. "Schwartz-sama, who is this kid?" Like the speed meme. Get it? Random kid. Bro: RANdom kid ahh :skull: who is this kid BOIIIIIII :joy-cat:
"Yeah, bucko! Let us in, or else!"
"Or else wha—?" Thousands of shadow hands erupt from beneath him. Before he can even make a sound, he is dragged into the ground.
"Man, I love my Authority of Bullshit!"
"Schwartz-sama, was that really necessary...?"
"Who cares! Come on, we're home free!" Subaru drags Tanza inside of the now-bouncerless bar.
"Why are we even here again? Yorna-sama's going to be so angry..."
"Plot reasons!"
Tanza halts. "What?"
"Flashback!"
Subaru and Tanza lay fast asleep in their beds. Snore. Snore. Snore.
.
.
Snore.
.
.
"Tanzaaaaaa! I'm so bored! Why do we even have to go to sleep so early?" Nevermind.
"...Schwartz-sama, it's 7 PM. Yorna-sama we have to be asleep by 7:30."
"Exactly!"
"What do you mean exactly? That's extremely late here."
"God, this world sucks..." You may be wondering why they are using Earth times if it's another world. Fortunately, I have a 380-page proof that—
"Hey, I have an idea!" Subaru interrupts the narration. Thus, there will be no explanation.
"What is it, Schwartz-sama?"
"Tanza..." Subaru says, before standing up on his top bunk and hitting a pose. "Let's SNEAK INTO A BAR!"
The top bunk collapses from the force, flattening Tanza.
"And that's why we're here!" Subaru flashes a grin.
"Thank you for explanation, Schwartz-sama. Not that the author was too lazy to include a scene of this before the fic started, or anything."
"Exactly!" With this noted, they continue their stride into the bar, taking a seat.
"Hey, sir!" Subaru shouts at the lady behind the counter.
She—adorned by a fox-scarf well-known—turns around. "What do y'all want?" She says, in a mocking tone. Perhaps she hates people with dwarfism?
"Oh, we obviously just want water, why else would be frickin' be here, jackbutt..."
"What'd you say?"
"N-Nothing! I was just thinking!" "Schwartz-sama, don't be a fake demon..." "SHUT UP, TANZA!"
Anastasia rolls her eyes. "Whatev'r. Jus' tell me yer drink."
"We would like two b—!"
FUCK YOU! A voice shouts in the background.
Subaru and Tanza turn around, just as one Vollachian bar member chins another. DON'T E'ER JOKE 'BOUT CHINNIN' ME MOTHA, MATE!
Anastasia mutters under her breath. "These dirty CHIANS are so violent, my amazin' self ain't get paid nearly 'nough ta do this..."
"You said WHAT!?" Tanza shrieks.
"What? My amazin' self can reclaim it, prolly."
"You're so obviously from Kararagi! Tell her, Schwartz-sama!" Tanza turns to her right.
"...Schwartz-sama?" Subaru was gone. "HEH!?"
She looks around, finding Subaru instigating another fight, whispering in some caveman's ear.
"Are you REALLY gonna let him chin your friend like that?"
"No, me won't!"
"Good! Now show them who's boss! I wanna see a REAL fight!"
"Me will! Me make coach proud!"
"Good! Now all that's left is—ACK!? MY ITALICS!?" Tanza pulls on Subaru's ear.
"Schwartz-sama, what are you doing!? I just lost an argument to some bitch because you weren't—"
Subaru gasps. "YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! I'M TELLING YORNA-SAN!"
"N-No! Anything but that!"
"Fine! Then let me instigate, and maybe I won't."
"Definitely won't."
"Maybe won't."
"Definitely won't."
"Fine...deal, though!" Subaru and Tanza reach an agreement.
"COACH! IS YOU AND OTHER GUY FINISHED TALKING?" The caveman shouts.
"G-GUY!? You dare call me that!? I swear I'll—!"
"Psst, Tanza! Remember our MUSTACHES that we've had ALL our lives?" Lie Detector: FALSE.
"...Still don't get why I had to wear it, though."
"Maybe cause we're THREE FEET TALL, genius!"
"Me is sorry for your dwarfism condition, coach. And little man." The caveman wipes a tear from his cheek.
Tanza facepalms. "This is so stupid..."
Subaru, on the other hand, just throws up a thumbs-up. "Go kick his ass, mister!"
The caveman stands up from his end of the metaphorical boxing ring (a.k.a. the table he was seated at) and walks up to his target.
"HEY, YOU! WHAT YOU DOING IN—HK!" An axe slices his throat open.
An axe, originating from none other than the Todd Fang (insert trademark symbol here). The force put into that swing was so strong that it ended up creating a mini dust-devil within the bar. A dust-devil, that sweeps up Subaru's fake mustache.
"Hk—!" "Oh shiiiiiiiit. Schwartz-sama, you're fucked." "Thanks for emphasizing that, jackbutt!"
Todd's eyes instantly lock onto his. "Hey, you...all." He knows his pronouns chart, after all.
"What are you...all...doing in a place like this?"
Sweat runs down Subaru's neck. "W-Whatever could you mea—?"
"I FUCKING HATE CHILDREN!"
Todd rushes towards Subaru with his axe, with Subaru only managing to dodge by a hair. Tanza walks off at this point to do fuck all.
Todd swings again. Subaru dodges. Again. Dodged. Again.
Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge. Axe, Swing, Air Resistance, Dodge—
—I'm sure there's ten seconds of hell parallels somewhere, intertextuality and all.
While Subaru is getting his ass beat by a grown man, let us see what Tanza is up to.
"YOU AREN'T FUCKING VOLLACHIAN!"
"YES MY AMAZIN' SELF IS, YA FUCKIN' CHIAN PIG!"
"OH, SO NOW I'M THE PIG? I'D RATHER BE A PIG THAN A BIGOT!"
"GO N' CRY TA YER STAR DADDIES, ASK 'EM HOW MANY FUCKS MY AMAZIN' SELF GIVES!"
"I'M NOT A FUCKING STARGAZER, YOU BITCH!"
"OH, SO YER LOOKIN' FOR A FIGHT, THEN?"
Anastasia exits from behind the counter. Tanza straightens her fake totally real adult mustache.
Alright, that's all you'll be getting of Gojo vs. Sukuna 2.0.
Now, back to Subaru and Todd.
As Subaru barrel rolls away from Todd's axe for the umpteenth time, a note is thrown through the window.
Subaru, taking advantage of his I-frames, picks it up.
"Read the following words...'come find me, Satella...?' What's that even supposed to—?"
.
.
.
Time stops. Tanza and Anastasia stop scrapping with each other, the bar customers stop proceeding their NPC tasks, and Todd freezes mid-swing.
A split second after it does, a silver-haired woman breaks through the window.
Why can't I move!? Who the hell are you!?
The silver-haired woman walks, before stopping in front of Subaru. Her lips part. "...I love you—"
Todd interrupts. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" He shrieks, pointing at Satella.
"...Huh? How are you moving when I stopped time?"
"DON'T CHANGE TOPICS! THAT IS A TEN-YEAR-OLD! YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH A KID!? YOU TREAT CHILDREN LIKE THAT!?"
"Didn't you just swing an axe at my beloved like, a million times?"
"YOUR BELOVED!? GET OUT OF HERE, PEDOPHILE!" Todd's shouts gather the attention of the customers.
"She likes little kids?" "Kill her!" "Creep!" "Pedophile!" "Get outta here!" "We don't want you in our bar!" "Vollachia doesn't welcome you!" "I heard Gusteko's taking offers, though!" "We're all saying this in one line, how did you respond to my question if we said it at the same time." "I dunno, but let's focus on killing her!" "Sir yes sir! Let's fuck after for yaoi!" "O.K.!"
"W-Wait! Don't hurt me! It came out wrong, I swear—!"
"—TOO LATE!" One shouts.
Each customer and person in the bar—excluding Tanza and Anastasia, who were still scrapping—takes out 64 stones from their personal Vollachian inventory, exclusive to Vollachians.
"STONE HEEERR!!"
And so, in just the span of a few minutes, Satella gets well-deservingly turned into a pile of mush.
After the stoning is finished, one shouts, "Good job, team! And honestly? It wasn't just good. It was grea—"
A bottle from Anastasia and Tanza's collateral hits them over the head, killing them.
Subaru lets out a sigh, now that all is nice and well. "Well, it looks like we set apart our differences, right, Todd?"
Subaru says this, not having the time to process Todd's axe being sent hurling straight at his face.
However, remember that bottle that killed someone as collateral? It actually had ACID in it, and Todd slips right onto it—face into acid.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH——!? IT BURNS! IT BUUUURNS! HELP, HELP! I WANT MY MOMMY! HK...!" Todd screams and cries like a little bitch, as this work is canon-compliant. At least until the acid engulfs him entirely.
"...Damn, that's crazy," Subaru says damnily and crazily.
"Took the words right out of my mouth," Tanza says next to him.
"You're back!?"
"Yeah, spent my time no-diffing that merchant." Why was she no-diffing Anastasia if they were fighting for the entire work? I don't know, but the author's agenda states that Anastasia SUCKS and gets no-diffed by a child. Thus, it is proven that she is a bum. Q.E.D.
"Well, this bar SUCKS! I just wanna go home!"
"Told you."
With Tanza's last comment, she and Subaru start to head home. Nothing could possibly go—
—actually, it is left to the reader to decide what goes wrong. Unfortunately, it'll always be Re:Forgotten and nothing but; if you say otherwise, you are a liar.