Archive of Our Own

jeongguk has had a crush on yoongi for so long that he can't even find the beginning of it anymore. there are too many possible origins, and every time he tries to trace it back, he finds another memory waiting there.

maybe it was the studio. jeongguk is bangtan's dedicated background vocalist and therefore spends more time in recording booths than the other vocal-line. over the years, that has meant an unreasonable number of late nights with yoongi on the other side of the glass, headphones around his neck, staring at the waveform on the monitor while jeongguk sings the same four lines for the fifteenth time.

maybe it started even longer ago, somewhere in those years when he was still growing into his own body and yoongi was already old enough to know exactly how to get under his skin. there was, for example, the underwear incident. yoongi had confessed to stealing one of jeongguk's pairs once, with the kind of expression that made it impossible to tell whether he was joking. jeongguk had laughed because everyone else had laughed. he had gone back to the dorm that night and thought about it for an embarrassing amount of time.

maybe it was hwa-yang-yeon-hwa era. the two of them spent so much time filming together that jeongguk had stopped noticing the cameras after a while. he remembers being exhausted, sitting around between takes, yoongi beside him—with his mint hair and beautiful gummy smile—his legs stretched out as they shared a bottle of water. he remembers yoongi reaching over without looking and fixing his collar because it was crooked.

maybe it was the lamb skewers. jeongguk still remembers the first time yoongi took him out to treat him lamb skewers. he remembers being ridiculously pleased that yoongi had thought to ask him, remembers trying not to look too eager when yoongi slid the plate toward him and told him to eat before everything got cold.

the point is, there are too many moments, and none of them feel like the beginning anymore. they've all blurred together into one long history of jeongguk looking at yoongi and thinking, with increasing certainty and decreasing dignity, oh. fuck.

and yoongi, somehow, has never noticed.

jeongguk can't even blame him. it's not as if he's ever made a serious attempt to tell him. he'd flirted, technically. there are receipts. enough, probably, to build a small legal case if someone ever cared enough to investigate. twelve years ago, he tweeted at yoongi to keep his ring finger empty, and everyone laughed because it was obviously a joke in response to something yoongi had posted. then once, for yoongi's birthday, he made a one-minute typography video where he added min yoongi i want you that jeongguk still isn't sure how the entire fandom collectively decided it was a joke.

for years, he'd teased yoongi, stood close to him, sat next to him any chance he got. he'd made little remarks, given yoongi praises that weren't platonic at all. he'd looked at yoongi for too long and then refused to look away when yoongi caught him. yoongi was completely oblivious, but it's understanable because none of it had ever become a confession. because back then, there was another problem: jeongguk had never actually known whether yoongi liked men.

people outside bangtan liked to imagine that the seven of them knew everything about one another. in reality, there were entire sections of their personal lives that stayed personal. they were close, they trusted each other, they could talk about almost anything for hours. that didn't mean they'd once sat around the dinner table and gone, "so, everyone, what's your sexuality?"

there had never been a meeting. there had never been a convenient announcement. jeongguk knew things about yoongi because he knew yoongi. he knew what coffee he liked, knew which songs he hated, knew what kind of mood he was in by the way he put his phone down. he didn't know whether yoongi wanted men. and, apparently, that was one piece of information jeongguk was too terrified to ask for, so he kept his crush to himself for years. until 2021, when yoongi arrived one day with a man beside him, and jeongguk understood there were things about yoongi he had never known.

jeongguk still remembers the exact feeling of seeing that man walk through the door. the man was taller than yoongi, broad through the shoulders, handsome in a way that seemed almost unfairly effortless. he had a good job, too, some chef at a restaurant jeongguk vaguely recognized from a high-end magazine article, one of those places where people made reservations months in advance and paid too much money for three bites arranged beautifully on a plate. the man was older than all of bangtan, already in his early thirties, mature in a way jeongguk didn't feel at twenty-four, especially not standing there in sweatpants while this guy calmly shook everyone's hands with the kind of confidence jeongguk had never managed to muster.

and the worst part was that yoongi looked comfortable beside him.

that was what hurt the most—the familiarity. yoongi introduced the man—his boyfriend—like he'd been there long enough to belong in the room. jeongguk smiled, asked questions, made conversation, and tried very hard to act like he wasn't internally losing his fucking mind.

he told himself that this was good news, actually. it answered a question he'd spent years being too afraid to ask: yoongi liked men. now, yoongi had a boyfriend, and yoongi was happy. great. fantastic.

jeongguk went to the bathroom afterward and stared at himself in the mirror for a while. then he came back out and acted normal. because what else was he supposed to do? he wasn't going to ruin it. if yoongi was happy, jeongguk could survive being miserable about it.

eventually, jeongguk did what some people did when they were trying to get over someone: he got a boyfriend. tanned skin, good-looking, about as tall as jeongguk himself. jeongguk liked him. or at least, he thought he did. or he tried to convince himself he did. for a while it was easy. there was someone to text, to meet after schedules, someone who would complain when jeongguk took too long to answer and someone whose hand he could hold when they went out. the kisses and the sex were great too, to be completely honest. 

it worked for about a year.

then it didn't.

the breakup was spectacularly messy. there had been screaming, accusations, things said specifically because both of them knew exactly where to hurt the other, and then the threats started. his ex threatened to leak private messages and photographs when jeongguk refused to give him what he wanted. what had started as an ugly breakup escalated into a situation jeongguk's company couldn't ignore. within days, lawyers were involved. a formal warning was sent to his ex, laying out in very unambiguous terms what would happen if he distributed anything private or attempted to use it against jeongguk. after that, the messages stopped, but the damage to the relationship didn't.

jeongguk moved on. mostly. he certainly didn't miss the relationship. sometimes, when he thought about it honestly, he had to admit that he'd never liked the guy as much as he liked yoongi—which was a terrible thing to realize after the fact, so he tried not to. 

jeongguk never bothered to look for anything serious after that relationship ended. it was easier that way. he also trained himself not to look too closely at yoongi's life, either. yoongi was with someone, and jeongguk had never found anyone he wanted badly enough to build a life with anyway. there were one-night stands, a few situationships, but whenever things started moving toward anything serious, jeongguk lost interest. there was only one person he could imagine wanting that with, and yoongi was already taken, so jeongguk learned to leave him alone. he could be close to yoongi, could love him in the quiet way he'd always loved him, but he wasn't going to interfere with a relationship yoongi was happy in.

the military made that easier, or at least it seemed to. bangtan could only get together once or twice a year, and even then their days off rarely lined up. there were months when jeongguk barely heard anything about what yoongi was doing beyond whatever made its way into the group chat. he knew yoongi was still with his boyfriend, and that was enough.

then yoongi was discharged, and for the first time in months, all seven of them were together again. jeongguk hadn't realized how much he'd missed him until he saw him. it was something stupidly simple. yoongi sitting there with the rest of them, talking like he always did, looking older than jeongguk remembered in ways he couldn't quite name. jeongguk had spent so long telling himself that the distance was helping, that not seeing yoongi meant he was finally getting used to having him in his life without wanting more.

seeing him again proved otherwise.

the feeling he'd worked so hard to keep contained hadn't disappeared. he'd just stopped giving it opportunities to surface. and once all seven of them were together again, there were more chances for it to surface. they met a few more times over the following months, and every time jeongguk left with the same uncomfortable awareness that the military hadn't made anything easier. it had only kept yoongi far enough away for jeongguk to pretend it had.

tonight, only five of them are available—jimin and yoongi both have personal schedules—and somewhere in the middle of a conversation jeongguk barely remembers afterward, namjoon mentions that yoongi isn't seeing his boyfriend anymore.

jeongguk's chopsticks stop halfway to his mouth. "what?"

namjoon glances at him. "yoongi hyung broke up with that chef."

jeongguk blinks, trying to process it. "when?"

"couple months ago, i think."

a couple months. jeongguk lowers his chopsticks. "oh."

namjoon goes back to eating. the conversation moves on, but jeongguk barely hears any of it. somewhere inside his chest, the feeling he'd buried so carefully for years has opened its eyes. he tells himself it doesn't mean anything. yoongi is single, that's all. people are single all the time. yoongi has been in relationships before, and he'll be in one again whenever he wants. and jeongguk is twenty-eight years old, not eighteen. he has a career, a life, friends, enough experience to know better than to turn one piece of information into a fantasy, so he doesn't. for approximately three days.

on the fourth day, he starts thinking about whether yoongi has ever actually been asked out by someone he already knows.

on the fifth, he wonders what yoongi's reaction would be if someone from bangtan asked him.

on the sixth, he catches himself wondering what kind of person yoongi would date now.

on the seventh, he realizes he's sitting beside yoongi in the studio and has spent the last ten minutes watching his hands instead of working.

yoongi glances over. "jeongguk."

jeongguk looks at him. "what?"

"you— …sort of disassociated." yoongi stares for another second before turning back to the monitor. "focus, jeongguk."

jeongguk looks at the side of yoongi's face and thought, yeah, this is going to be a problem.

the thing about having loved someone quietly for this long is that the feeling doesn't disappear just because you've gotten good at hiding it. it has only been waiting. and now, apparently, yoongi is single, which means jeongguk has a decision to make. he can keep doing what he's been doing for the last decade: making jokes nobody takes seriously, flirting in ways that can always be dismissed, and going home every night with the comforting knowledge that at least he'd never embarrassed himself.

or, he can finally find out.

he will not confess—not yet. jeongguk isn't suicidal. but maybe he can try something smaller. something that, if yoongi doesn't want him, can still be explained away. he can sit closer, maybe touch him a little more. he can start making it obvious enough that, if yoongi wants to notice, he will. and if yoongi doesn't? well, jeongguk will cross that bridge when he gets there. for now, he looks at the man beside him, quietly adjusting the track in his headphones, completely unaware that the person he's known for more than half his life has just decided to start courting him.

jeongguk smiles to himself. he's waited long enough.

jeongguk's first attempt at getting yoongi's attention is, objectively, a failure. he doesn't know this at first. when he makes the dinner reservation, he actually thinks he's doing pretty well.

christmas is a little over a month away, and jeongguk has been thinking about asking yoongi out to dinner (not a date) for long enough that the idea has stopped feeling like an impulse and started feeling like a plan. he doesn't usually plan things this far ahead unless somebody important is involved, and he especially doesn't plan things this far ahead when the thing he's planning has the potential to make him look like an idiot. this one does, which is why he plans it carefully.

the restaurant is called maison marée, an insanely popular place in gangnam that only has a ten tables and opens reservations for the following month at ten in the morning. jeongguk has been trying to get a table there for a while. every time someone recommends it, he makes a mental note, then forgets about it until the next time he sees another photograph of their food online and remembers that he still hasn't been.

this time, he remembers. the reservation window opens on a monday morning. jeongguk sits in front of his laptop with his phone beside him, refreshing the page while his manager sends him messages about a schedule change he should probably be paying attention to. at 10:01, half the available dates are already gone. at 10:02, he gets two seats for wednesday—christmas eve.

jeongguk stares at the confirmation screen for a few seconds, then he leans back in his chair. "nice." although there's nobody around to hear him. he adds it to his personal calendar. he doesn't write date, he writes dinner with yoongi hyung instead. that's reasonable. that's completely normal. people have dinner with their friends on christmas eve all the time. the fact that jeongguk spends the next twenty minutes looking at the restaurant's menu and trying to remember whether yoongi likes oysters is unrelated. (well, there's another one: neither of them actually celebrates christmas, but. well. that's beside the point).

he waits until a few days later to ask. they're in the studio, which is probably the safest place for this conversation because jeongguk has spent so many years asking yoongi for things in studios that it doesn't feel like a confession even inside his own head.

yoongi is listening to a guide through one earbud, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed.

"hyung," jeongguk calls.

yoongi glances over. "hm?"

"are you free next wednesday?"

"what time?"

"night, at seven."

yoongi thinks for a moment. "i think so."

good. jeongguk has to keep his face under control. "good."

yoongi finally looks at him fully. "why?"

"i made a reservation," jeongguk says, "come have dinner with me."

yoongi takes the earbud out. "dinner? where?" 

"it's a secret," jeongguk says, pleased. "but it's a nice place, you'll like it."

yoongi snorts quietly and puts the earbud back in. "alright then." yoongi watches him for another second, then turns back to the monitor. "seven?"

"seven." jeongguk nods.

"okay."

and that's it.

jeongguk goes home that night feeling like he's accomplished something significant. technically, though? he has. he has invited yoongi to dinner, yoongi has said yes. done. he doesn't need to call it anything else, he doesn't even let himself think about the fact that there will only be two chairs.

for the next few days, he leaves it alone. he doesn't bring it up again. he holds himself back not to spam yoongi with questions like what are you wearing? you wanna meet there or go together? he doesn't do anything that might make the invitation sound more important than it is. he does, however, sends a message to remind yoongi about the dinner (date).

hyung, we're still on for seven on wednesday. maison marée.

the reply comes several minutes later.

wait.

that's where you're taking me?

jeongguk frowns.

yeah. why?

it takes yoongi a minute before replying again.

my ex works there now

jeongguk stares at the message. he reads it again, then again, and again. he looks up from his phone as though somebody else in the room might have an explanation. there isn't one.

he types.

the chef?

yeah

jeongguk sits back. of course. of course yoongi's ex works at the one restaurant jeongguk has spent weeks trying to get a reservation at. he looks at the confirmation email again; two guests. he could still go. the restaurant isn't his ex's apartment. the man isn't going to come out of the kitchen and sit down at their table.

jeongguk sends another message.

so?

yoongi replies almost immediately this time.

so i don't really want to go there.

jeongguk looks at the words. he knows he should cancel. he also knows how difficult the reservation was to get.

we can go somewhere else?

yoongi adds.

jeongguk's thumb hovers over the keyboard. he types, okay, deletes it, types sure, deletes that too.

the reservation had been a bitch to get. he'd spent half a morning refreshing the page, watching dates disappear in front of him right when the website finally let him in, and felt an almost embarrassing amount of pride when he finally managed to get the table. at this point, getting that reservation had somehow worked its way onto his personal list of top ten achievements of his late twenties.

he's not going to cancel it.

maybe the dinner isn't happening anymore. fine. maybe yoongi doesn't want to go. also fine. but the restaurant is still booked, and jeongguk fought for that table. he's not going to hand it back to the universe just because his carefully planned dinner (his first supposed-to-be date, dammit) has collapsed before it even happened.

finally, jeongguk asks again:

you sure you don't wanna go there?

yeah.

he could probably convince yoongi, could say they won't see the guy. the guy is a chef, he's not gonna deliver the food himself. but… he decides not to. because if yoongi doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to make him. so…

let's have dinner somewhere else next time then, hyung

a minute later, yoongi replies.

sorry

let's find another time and place to eat then

jeongguk smiles despite himself.

okay

jeongguk puts his phone down and leans back in his chair. he's not cancelling the reservation, that much is decided. he doesn't know what he's going to do with it yet, but he's not cancelling it. he can go alone, but it'll feel pathetic. well. eating alone isn't pathetic. he's done that plenty of times. there's nothing weird about going to a restaurant by yourself. it's just that this is a table for two, and the empty seat across from him is supposed to be yoongi's. that's what would make it pathetic.

then, later that night, he remembers bangtan's shared calendar. all seven of them have their work email calendars and schedules synced online. and, unlike jeongguk, everyone else in the group add their personal plans (including the ones that might or might not be too personal) into the calendar. it means jeongguk can usually tell when someone is free without having to ask.

jeongguk opens it then swipes to december 24th, night. well. everyone is busy. everyone except yoongi—who doesn't want to go to maison marée; jeongguk—who has been trying to get a table at maison marée for weeks and is still refusing to give it up although yoongi basically ditched him; and… taehyung.

jeongguk sighs. his thumbs move before he has time to think too hard about it.

hyung, r u free on wed

seven

pm

taehyung responds a few seconds later.

free

why?

jeongguk looks at the screen.

want to get dinner?

where?

maison marée

the reply comes quickly.

wow

ok

i'll be there at seven

jeongguk puts his phone face down on the table. "fuck this."

by wednesday at seven that night, jeongguk is already sitting at their table when taehyung walks into maison marée, wearing a jacket over a plain shirt. he spots jeongguk, walks over, then looks around the restaurant as he pulls out his chair. "this place is nice," he says. jeongguk watches taehyung take in the low lighting, the small tables, the candles. "you've been here before?"

"no."

"me neither." taehyung looks around once more. "it's nice."

jeongguk gestures toward the chair. "then sit down."

taehyung laughs and sits.

the first few minutes are easy enough. they talk about schedules, the new workout routine jimin tried that afternoon, a video taehyung wants to watch later. jeongguk starts to relax, mostly because he knows taehyung well enough that dinner with him doesn't require much effort.

then taehyung looks around again. "this place is kind of romantic."

jeongguk glances up from his menu. "yeah."

jeongguk knows. obviously he knows. that was part of the appeal when he made the reservation. low lighting, small tables, expensive food, the sort of place where bringing someone you liked could be interpreted as exactly what it was. and christmas eve, too, because apparently jeongguk had decided subtlety was overrated.

taehyung picks up his menu. "so why here?"

"i had the reservation."

"i know that, dude," taehyung looks at him over the top of the menu. "i mean, why did you make the reservation?"

jeongguk looks back down. "wanted to try it."

"and they gave you christmas eve?" taehyung asks.

jeongguk keeps his eyes on the menu. gave him christmas eve. sure. the reservation page had given him approximately three seconds to choose between christmas eve and the other dates before everything disappeared, but yeah. sure. the restaurant had simply decided this was the night he was getting. he's not explaining the real reason for the date to taehyung though, so jeongguk just says, weakly, "yeah."

"whoa," he says. "what a coincidence."

jeongguk stares at him. right. "yeah," he says again, turning another page of the menu. "what a coincidence."

the subject changes again. jeongguk lets it. he tries to stop thinking that the table across from him was supposed to be occupied by someone else, that he spent a week imagining yoongi sitting there. it's kinda rude and unfair to taehyung, so he keeps eating, and tries to forget it.

eventually, the night becomes enjoyable despite everything. taehyung is good company. he's easy to talk to, and jeongguk has known him for a long time so the occasional silence as they eat never becomes awkward. they argue over dessert. taehyung ends up swapping their desserts because jeongguk's tastes better. jeongguk complains and then orders another one anyway.

by the time they leave the restaurant, jeongguk has almost forgotten that this was supposed to be dinner with someone else. almost. because the whole point of making the reservation in the first place had been yoongi. yoongi was the reason he'd spent all that time refreshing the reservation page, the reason he'd picked this restaurant, the reason christmas eve had somehow become important in the first place. sitting across from taehyung had been easy, but it had also made the difference painfully obvious. he could have a good night with someone he's close with. that didn't mean he wanted them.

and that brought him back to the problem he's been avoiding all night.

yoongi is single now. jeongguk has spent the last week learning that getting closer to him might be considerably harder than he expected. but, he has plenty of time. he can try again.

the promise of somewhere else, next time gets quietly swallowed by their comeback schedules.

there is always something. promo shoots take over the next few weeks. before the schedule gets completely swallowed by work, they spend new year's eve at namjoon's place, all seven of them crowded into his living room with too much food and too many bottles of soju on the table. jeongguk doesn't sit beside yoongi; jimin ends up between them, talking loudly enough for both sides of the conversation. every now and then, though, jeongguk catches yoongi in his peripheral vision. yoongi's hair has grown long enough to fall softly around his face. his face looks a little puffy from eating and drinking, and he's so happy that night, laughing with his whole face, smiling at whatever someone says. jeongguk keeps finding himself looking over. there is something painfully simple about seeing yoongi that happy, something that makes the wanting in him feel almost gentle for once.

then there are music video shoots, rehearsals, recording sessions, interviews, fittings, meetings. jeongguk doesn't forget about the dinner, he just stops expecting it to happen anytime soon. there will be another chance. their schedules are supposed to get more manageable in around the second half of the year, at least according to the schedule everyone keeps getting shown, so maybe then. maybe he'll ask yoongi again when there's actually enough time to make a proper plan instead of trying to wedge a dinner into a week where neither of them can remember which city they're waking up in. mostly, though, he hasn't had the chance. the courage is another matter.

by february, valentine's day is already packed with schedules, so jeongguk doesn't even think about asking yoongi to dinner. instead, he gives yoongi a small box of chocolates with a card tucked underneath the lid: you're really special.

yoongi takes the box from him, glancing at jeongguk before opening it. he picks one of the chocolates, then notices the card underneath. his eyes move over the words, and when he looks back at jeongguk, there's a small smile on his face. "thank you," he says.

jeongguk barely has time to enjoy that before hoseok sees the box. "oh, you got chocolate?"

somehow, that's the end of their private moment. the box makes its way around between takes, until all seven of them are eating from it and jeongguk has to watch yoongi share the chocolates he'd bought specifically for him. still, when yoongi takes another piece and sees jeongguk looking at him, he smiles again. it isn't the valentine's dinner jeongguk had imagined. but he'll take it.

then, a few days after valentine's day, the schedule accidentally gives him another possibility.

they're filming a run episode that requires them to stay somewhere overnight, and there are only three proper rooms, which means they'll have to share. his brain, apparently deciding that this is the moment to become religious, starts negotiating with every god of variety shows he can think of.

please.

he doesn't need anything dramatic. he doesn't need a private room. he doesn't even need to sleep. he just wants to end up in a room with yoongi. that's it, that's all. after years of sharing hotels, dorms, waiting rooms, cars, studios and every other space their schedules can possibly put them in, this should not be an unreasonable request. he doesn't even care if there are four people in the room. he'd take four. he'd take all six members if he had to. he'd take that.

instead, he gets a room for four.

alone.

while yoongi gets a room for two, but has to share it with hoseok, namjoon, and taehyung.

jeongguk stands in the doorway and looks at the four beds. "you're fucking kidding me."

there is no one there to answer.

he drops his bag onto one of the beds and looks around again, as though yoongi might materialize if he gives the room enough time.

nothing.

four beds. one jeongguk. this is becoming a pattern.

he showers, changes, and tries not to feel personally betrayed by the universe.

he doesn't even particularly mind being alone. he could sleep just fine—hell, everyone else is probably wishing they had his room right now. he could watch  a movie on his phone, he could enjoy having four beds to choose from and nobody stealing the blanket. he just doesn't want that. he wants yoongi.

more specifically, he wants the stupidly ordinary intimacy of being in the same room with him at the end of the day. he wants to hear yoongi complain about the day's filming while they're untangling the blankets. he wants to wake up and find yoongi still asleep in the bed beside him. it's embarrassing how little he actually needs.

the door opens sometime later. taehyung walks in with his bag. jeongguk stares at him.

taehyung looks around the room. "i'll stay here."

jeongguk looks at the bed, then at taehyung, then back at the bed. "why?"

"because my room is too crowded, obviously." taehyung looks at him like the answer should have been self-explanatory, like he's waiting for jeongguk to figure out why he would move to this room otherwise.

jeongguk sighs. "fine."

taehyung grins and starts unpacking.

jeongguk lies back on his bed and stares at the ceiling. once again, he has somehow ended up sharing a room with taehyung. he thinks about the restaurant, and now this. if he keeps going like this, he's going to accidentally build an entire relationship with taehyung before yoongi even realizes he's being courted.

"you okay?" taehyung asks.

jeongguk turns his head. "yeah."

"you look annoyed."

"i'm not!" he replies with a voice that's maybe too high and too defensive.

taehyung shrugs and goes back to his phone. jeongguk looks at the empty beds around him. he doesn't even know why he's disappointed. it's just a game—it's not like yoongi purposely chose that other room knowing jeongguk wouldn't be in it. there isn't some cosmic rule that says jeongguk is entitled to get what he wants just because he's finally decided he wants it. still. he had prayed to the gods of variety shows, and they had given him an empty four-person room alone—or, with taehyung now, apparently.

jeongguk closes his eyes. maybe the gods are taking the piss.

(yoongi looks really cute the next morning, all fluffy and soft as they play foot-volleyball, and jeongguk is completely fucked for it. yoongi is so eager to win, getting competitive over every point, gummy smile flashing whenever his team scores, cat eyes narrowing whenever the ball comes his way. jeongguk keeps watching him instead of the game, thinking about how badly he wants to kiss him. he wants to walk across the court, pull him close, put his mouth on that stupid smile right there under the sun with all the cameras watching. he wants yoongi so badly that for a few seconds, the fact that he has never actually told him feels almost unbearable.)

(and then yoongi loses the game and has to hike with taehyung. it sounds like a fucking joke. it's not.)

may is better.

not dramatically better, but enough that jeongguk starts remembering what free time feels like. their schedules finally stop looking like someone has thrown a handful of appointments into a calendar and shaken it until nothing is left blank. the tour has already started, there are still shoots and rehearsals and meetings and enough work to keep all seven of them busy, but there are actual nights now. whole afternoons, sometimes. stretches of time where nobody has somewhere else to be. most of them spend those hours together. most of them.

namjoon disappears into museums whenever he gets the chance, seokjin has apparently decided that most of his spare time should either be devoted to gaming or going to the gym, and yoongi… has developed an inconvenient new interest in running, mostly at night. jeongguk finds this out because he keeps catching yoongi leaving the hotel with running shoes on, or catching a glimpse of yoongi's phone screen while yoongi is browsing some website with maps, routes, and distances on the screen, or seeing him come back hours later with damp hair and flushed cheeks, looking tired in a way that somehow makes him look even better.

it's also the reason jeongguk hasn't managed to ask him out again.

the dinner at maison marée has been months ago now, and the promise of going somewhere else next time has been quietly buried underneath schedules. there have been too many reasons not to ask. yoongi has been busy, jeongguk has been busy. whenever they have a free time, somebody else has already suggested dinner or drinks or a movie or a bowling, and before jeongguk can figure out how to turn want to go somewhere with me? into something that sounds like a date without actually saying the word, the opportunity is gone. 

which is fine.

jeongguk has made peace with it. mostly.

he absolutely has not made peace with it. but he's trying.

and… apparently, his current method of trying is buying yoongi running clothes. it isn't even planned.

a couple of days ago, jeongguk is looking for gym clothes for himself. he's scrolling through one of the sportswear websites without really paying attention, adding things to his cart and deleting them again when he decides he doesn't like the cut, when he suddenly thinks about yoongi—which isn't unusual. jeongguk thinks about yoongi all the time. that night though, the particular thought just happens to connect yoongi and running, and from there he's done for. he starts scrolling.

there's a fitted black long-sleeve running top—the kind that's going to cling to yoongi's chest and shoulders and make the muscle he's put on over the past few months impossible to ignore. jeongguk has seen him shirtless before, obviously, but somehow the thought of seeing all of that packed into a fitted running top is enough to derail him completely.

underneath it is a pair of matching running shorts, light enough for actual running and short enough that jeongguk has absolutely no business thinking about how good yoongi's legs are going to look in them. he adds them to the cart. then he sees the black hydration vest, and thinks, "oh".

five minutes later, he's bought the whole set.

he tells himself it's because yoongi runs now and he could use proper gear, which is true. it just isn't the whole truth. the whole truth is that jeongguk has spent so long wanting yoongi that sometimes the wanting leaks into the most ordinary decisions. he sees a shirt and thinks, that would look good on yoongi hyung. he finds a restaurant and thinks, yoongi hyung would like the food. he opens a website to buy gym clothes and somehow ends up imagining yoongi's legs in running shorts. it's getting ridiculous. 

still, the paper bag is in his hand now.

he's standing in the company building with it while they go over schedules for the busan concert next week, trying very hard to behave like he hasn't spent the last ten minutes working up the courage to give a man a pair of shorts.

yoongi is standing beside the conference table, looking down at his phone. jeongguk looks at the paper bag he's holding. he can do this. it's a gift—people give their friends gifts, it's normal, it's completely normal. he can do this.

"hyung."

yoongi looks up. "hm?"

jeongguk holds out the bag. "for you." he tries to sound as nonchalant as he can manage.

yoongi looks at it, then at him. "huh?"

"for you," jeongguk says again.

there's a little crease between yoongi's eyebrows. his lips push into a small pout while he tries to figure out what jeongguk is doing. 

jeongguk's brain goes briefly, violently blank. those lips. god. he wants to kiss him so fucking bad. he wants to put a hand around yoongi's shoulders, push him back against the nearest wall, and kiss that pout right off his face. he wants to tell him to take the running clothes and then take jeongguk with them. he wants to stop wasting time and and carefully planned invitations and just tell yoongi to just fucking date him already.

instead, he stands there holding a paper bag.

yoongi looks at it again. "for me? what is this?"

and there goes whatever remained of jeongguk's dignity. "running set," he says. and then he keeps going. "for you. i, um, i was scrolling through a website because i was buying gym sets for myself, and then i thought about you. i mean, i saw these, and it said running, and i thought about you. obviously because you run. so i thought it'd look good on— it'd be a good set for you to run with. you know. running sets."

yoongi blinks.

jeongguk hears himself continuing and knows he should stop, but now he's committed to the disaster. "the top is good for running because it's lightweight, and the shorts are the same material, and there's a vest because you run at night and you can put your water in it, and—" he stops.

yoongi is still staring at him. jeongguk closes his mouth. there is a moment where neither of them says anything. jeongguk has never been more aware of how badly he has just failed at acting casual.

he pushes the bag into yoongi's hands, more forcefully now. "for you."

yoongi takes it. "...thank you."

jeongguk nods like a normal person. "yeah."

yoongi looks inside the bag, pulling the top out first. "this is nice."

jeongguk has to fight the stupid urge to grin. "yeah?"

"yeah." yoongi holds it up against himself for a second, looking down at the fabric. "you think this'll fit?"

jeongguk looks at him. "yeah." he knows exactly how it will fit. he knows yoongi's size. he also has spent enough time imagining it.

yoongi folds the shirt over his arm and reaches into the bag again, pulling out the shorts. "these are short."

jeongguk bites the inside of his cheek. "they're running shorts. they're supposed to be."

yoongi looks at him with a faintly amused expression. "you sound defensive."

"i'm not."

"...okay." yoongi pulls out the hydration vest next, turning it around in his hand, then he looks at jeongguk. "you've put a lot of thought into this."

jeongguk's heart skips. he shrugs. act nonchalant, act nonchalant. "well. you run a lot."

"i do."

"so."

yoongi nods slowly. "so."

jeongguk looks away before his face gives him away. he knows this is supposed to a small thing. a way of letting yoongi know that jeongguk pays attention to him without having to actually say i pay attention to you because i have been hopelessly in love with you for years. it should be nothing.

except yoongi is still holding the running top. and he's smiling. "i'll wear it soon," he says.

jeongguk looks back at him. "you will?"

"of course. you bought it for me."

jeongguk tries to keep his expression neutral. "oh." yoongi gives him a confused look. jeongguk forces a smile. "good."

yoongi folds the clothes back into the bag. "thanks, jeongguk." and then he turns back toward the schedule like nothing particularly significant has happened.

jeongguk stands there for another second. that's it. yoongi likes the gift, and he's going to wear it. maybe this is what courting is supposed to feel like. tiny victories.

he'll take it.

jeongguk doesn't expect a gift in return. he means it when he give the running set it to yoongi. he just wants yoongi to know he thought of him. maybe, if he's lucky, yoongi will recognize it for what it is: another small attempt at courting him. a week later, though, jeongguk discovers there may be a different kind of reward for his efforts.

it's june. they're in busan, about half an hour before rehearsal for the concert the next day, and yoongi is wearing the running set jeongguk gave him, standing in front of jeongguk, while jeongguk is trying very hard not to stare.

the long-sleeve top is doing exactly what he'd hoped it would do when he bought it, clinging to yoongi's chest whenever he moves and making jeongguk think about putting his hands there—preferably without the shirt in the way. fuck. he'd known yoongi had gotten broader, he'd seen it often enough. apparently seeing it through a piece of black athletic fabric is different.

the shorts leave his legs almost entirely bare, too. he'd pictured how good they would look on him when he bought the set. he'd just failed to account for what seeing it in person would do to him. yoongi has nice legs. they are… milky. they're pale, lean and bony in that way jeongguk has always found attractive, and the more he looks, the more his brain supplies details he doesn't need. he could get on his knees for those legs. 

it takes jeongguk another several seconds before he realizes yoongi had just asked him a question. "you want me to what?"

"run with me," yoongi says.

jeongguk blinks. "you want me to run with you?"

"for the third time, jeongguk. yes, that's what i'm asking you. do you want to run with me tonight?"

jeongguk looks at yoongi properly now, searching his face for any hint that he's joking, teasing him, or waiting for him to catch the punchline. there's nothing. yoongi is wearing the set jeongguk bought him, and now he's asking jeongguk to spend a night with him doing something he loves. yoongi is standing close enough that jeongguk can see the little pout forming around his mouth because jeongguk has taken too long to answer. this is not helping.

"what's going on with you, huh?" yoongi asks. "you look... i don't know."

it's your chest, jeongguk wants to say. and your legs. you're standing there in the running set i bought you, and the shirt is doing absolutely nothing to hide how good your chest looks, and your legs—fuck. your legs look fucking incredible. 

instead, he gives yoongi the second true answer that comes to mind. "haven't had breakfast."

yoongi studies him. "hm." then, "so you coming or not?"

oh, jeongguk wants to come. badly. with yoongi. in whatever sense of the word 'come' yoongi wants him to.

today, apparently, yoongi wants him to come running with him. so he'll come running. and maybe, if things keep going like this, it'll be one step closer to finally getting yoongi to understand what he's been trying to do for months. maybe this is one step closer to getting to come in—

jeongguk nearly chokes on his own spit. nope. absolutely not. he's standing in the green room in their concert venue in busan, less than twenty four hours away from having to perform in front of thousands of people tomorrow, and his brain has decided this is an appropriate time to think about coming. he needs to get a grip—which. huh.

"yeah, hyung," jeongguk says. "i'm coming." perfectly normal sentence. completely normal answer. there is absolutely no reason to clarify it. jeongguk clarifies it anyway. "running," he adds quickly. "coming to run with you. tonight."

yoongi stares at him for another second, still looking confused by jeongguk's responses in this whole interaction. "okay," he says finally, "good."

jeongguk looks away.

yoongi goes back to whatever he'd been doing, and jeongguk spends the rest of the time before rehearsal trying to behave like a person who has not just been invited to spend the night alone with the man he's been trying to court for months.

after rehearsal, they have about half an hour to rest before everyone continues with whatever it is they've planned. jeongguk spends most of it sitting on the couch in the green room, scrolling through his phone and retaining absolutely none of what he's looking at because his attention keeps drifting across the room, to where yoongi's sitting. specifically, to his legs. the shorts are responsible for some of this, jeongguk will admit that. they're the shorts he bought, after all, and when he ordered them he'd thought they would look good on yoongi. he had not, however, accounted for the possibility of having to sit in the same room with him wearing them.

he's still looking at those legs when yoongi gets up. yoongi crosses the room and stops in front of him. "let's go."

jeongguk looks up at him. right. so yoongi had meant it. honestly, jeongguk was so used to the universe ruining his plans when it comes to yoongi, that jeongguk was actually afraid that yoongi's invitation had been one of those casual invitations people make because they happen to be standing beside someone and think you should come too. apparently not. yoongi invited him because he genuinely wanted jeongguk to run with him. and now he's here in the running set jeongguk bought him, ready to go.

"okay," jeongguk says.

they leave the venue together, yoongi's manager and bodyguard following not far from them. jeongguk is adjusting the strap of his vest when he notices the camera in yoongi's hand.

"you're filming?"

"mhm." yoongi glances at him. "vlog. you okay with that?"

jeongguk looks at the camera. uh. so. actually, this could be a problem. if yoongi is filming this and jeongguk keeps staring at his legs, the whole fandom is going to know the second that video goes up. they'll see where he's looking, they'll point it out in the comments, someone will make an edit, someone else will post it on twitter, on instagram, and eventually yoongi will see it too.

fine. jeongguk will have to orient himself. look at the road, look at the camera, look anywhere else. he just can't spend the whole run staring at yoongi's legs. at least not for too long. he still has enough dignity not to let his crush become fandom evidence before yoongi even knows about it. "yeah," he says. "that's fine."

yoongi turns his attention to his watch, and jeongguk looks at him. this is… safer. for now. the camera is currently pointed at yoongi anyway and jeongguk is still standing in front of him instead of beside him. yoongi's clicking through the settings, checking the pace, mumbling about the target he wants to hit tonight. jeongguk doesn't understand most of it. he runs, but this is different from what he's used to. treadmills, occasional runs outside, nothing that requires him to know his pace to the decimal or have a hydration vest strapped to his chest. yoongi, on the other hand, has apparently decided to take this seriously.

without makeup, yoongi looks softer. the contours that usually sharpen his face aren't there tonight, and his cheeks have that slight fullness jeongguk rarely gets to see under stage lighting. his lips are pushed into a faint pout while he concentrates.

jeongguk likes him like this. he likes him in general. sometimes the thought is almost embarrassingly domestic. he wants to make sure yoongi eats after the run, wants to know whether he's sleeping enough, wants to be the person yoongi calls when he's exhausted and doesn't want to explain himself to anyone.

then his brain takes the same thought somewhere else. he looks at yoongi's mouth, thinks about kissing him, thinks about pushing him against a wall and finding out how long that pout would last. his gaze drops briefly to yoongi's throat. then lower to his chest. he wonders how will it look covered in sweat, when yoongi is lying under him when jeongguk—

alright. that's enough.

jeongguk looks away.

he is not getting a fucking boner on a sidewalk in busan while standing close to the man he's trying to court. especially not while there's a camera about to be pointed in their general direction.

yoongi looks up. "ready?"

"yeah, hyung."

they start running.

for the first kilometer, jeongguk manages fine. he matches yoongi's pace, listening to their shoes against the pavement and the occasional sound of traffic passing beside them. then his stomach reminds him of something he'd conveniently forgotten: he hasn't eaten, not properly at least. he'd been trying to stick to his diet, aand then yoongi had asked him to run, and then rehearsal happened, and after that he'd apparently lost the ability to think about anything except tonight. he'd wanted this too much. that's embarrassing enough on its own. the fact that he may now have to run ten kilometers on whatever he'd eaten earlier is worse.

jeongguk checks his watch. one kilometer, nine to go.

fuck.

beside him, yoongi looks perfectly comfortable.

jeongguk looks ahead at the road and considers whether dying here would be particularly inconvenient. probably.

they've barely passed two kilometers when jeongguk starts falling behind. not by much—a few steps, maybe, but enough that yoongi notices the gap.  "is this pace okay for you?" yoongi asks.

"yes, hyung," jeongguk says. it's… not exactly a lie. he can keep going. whether he can keep going at this pace for another eight kilometers is a separate question, and one jeongguk decides he doesn't need to consider yet.

but closer to three kilometers, yoongi glances back at him again, sees that jeongguk has fallen a few more steps behind even more, then slows without making a thing of it, and waits until jeongguk catches up again.

jeongguk hates how much that gets to him. he's sweaty, his lungs are working harder than he'd like, and his legs have started acquiring that unpleasant heaviness that means the next several kilometers are going to require actual effort. meanwhile, yoongi looks perfectly fine. irritatingly fine, actually. he's drenched in sweat too, now, the black long-sleeve clinging slightly to his back, the shorts exposing those pale legs jeongguk has spent the entire day trying not to stare at. and from this distance, jeongguk can see yoongi's ass properly. his ass is full beneath the thin fabric, bouncing with every stride, the shape shifting every time his hips move. he can't stop thinking about what it would feel like under his hands, how fucking good it must look up close when jeongguk—

fuck.

this is worse than the legs. 

he forces his gaze back to the road. "i didn't eat much today," jeongguk admits when yoongi turns his head back again, concern visible on his face now.

"why?" yoongi asks.

"i was trying to stick to my diet."

"oh." yoongi doesn't lecture him. doesn't even ask how much he ate, which is probably for the best because jeongguk would have to admit that he has spent most of the day running on coffee, whatever he'd managed to eat between the ride to the venue and the rehearsal breaks, and the sheer anticipation of this. "that's okay," yoongi says after a moment. "it happens. just don't push yourself too hard." and then he slows down again, just a bit.

"hyung, you don't have to."

"it's okay," yoongi says, "just try to get your heartbeat back to normal."

jeongguk's chest feels strange, and for once it's difficult to blame the running.

this is the thing. yoongi has always taken care of him. not in some grand, parental way—jeongguk has never needed that from him. it's smaller than that, woven so deeply into their years together that half the time jeongguk doesn't think about it until he catches himself noticing, like right now.

yoongi somehow, always knows when jeongguk is tired. he knows when he's hungry, and especially when jeongguk is pushing himself too hard. he also knows when jeongguk is getting quiet because he's not in a good mood and when he's getting quiet because he simply has nothing to say, he remembers things jeongguk has mentioned once and forgotten himself, he notices many things about jeongguk. he always fucking notices—unfortunately, after all these years, the one thing he's somehow managed to miss is the fact that jeongguk is hopelessly in love with him, but, the point is, he always fucking notices. and that's enough to make jeongguk fall a little harder. 

which is inconvenient.

because yoongi is also beautiful.

jeongguk has spent the last few years learning exactly how much damage can be done by a man's face, voice, hands, legs, throat, ass. yoongi's voice is especially bad in the mornings, when it's still rough with sleep and sits lower than usual. it sounds obscene to jeongguk sometimes.

but this is worse than all of that. yoongi taking care of him without even thinking about it is worse.

"what part of busan did you grow up in again?" yoongi asks.

jeongguk looks at him. "what?"

"your neighborhood."

"oh."

jeongguk tells him.

yoongi nods, then points vaguely ahead. "if we keep going this way, can we get toward the beach?"

jeongguk looks at the road, trying to orient himself. "yeah. i think. we'd have to—wait, no. we'd need to cut across after the next intersection."

"hm, i see," yoongi says. and then he starts asking more. what's that road called? does this one lead toward the station? if they wanted to get to the other side of the city, which way would they have to go? where did he used to eat when he was a kid?

jeongguk has to think about each answer, which is surprisingly helpful. for a few seconds at a time, he gets distracted enough to forget that his legs are tired. he looks at a street sign and tries to remember what used to be there. he points out a turn and then changes his mind. he tells yoongi about a restaurant that might not even exist anymore.

"you really don't remember much, huh?" yoongi teases.

jeongguk huffs. "i've lived in seoul longer than i ever lived in busan, hyung."

yoongi laughs at that. jeongguk can't even see his face from where he's running behind him, but that laugh still gets him. there it is again, that familiar urge to want yoongi a little too much. it really doesn't take much these days. jeongguk wants him in ways that have nothing to do with running and everything to do with the fact that this is yoongi, matching his pace because he knows jeongguk needs it, asking questions because he knows jeongguk needs something else to think about. it's almost enough to make him forget that he has seven kilometers left. almost.

by four kilometers, jeongguk admits defeat.

first to himself, because there is still a certain amount of pride involved in this. then, after another hundred meters of pretending he's still alright when he feels like he's close to passing out, he decides yoongi deserves to know. "i think i can't make it to ten," he says. "i think i need to go back to the hotel first, you can continue without me."

yoongi's head turns so quickly. jeongguk catches the concern on his face before yoongi looks forward again. "what? no, don't. we'll have to finish together. you can pick the place to eat after."

jeongguk nearly trips. a place to eat. yoongi is already thinking about dinner, with him, after the run. even half-dead, jeongguk can't stop himself from getting excited at the thought. "...okay," he manages.

he can pick the place to eat. he can run another six kilometers.

probably.

probably not.

he makes it another two hundred meters. "hyung."

"yeah?"

"i really think i can only make it to five."

yoongi glances over again, and jeongguk can see him thinking. "i can adjust the—"

"no, no, hyung." jeongguk shakes his head. "you've— it's fine. you've adjusted enough for me."

"jeongguk."

"it's fine. i'll just walk back to the hotel from here."

"don't." yoongi's voice is firmer this time. "if you want to go back to the hotel, at least take a taxi, okay? you can barely remember the roads around here anymore. don't walk alone."

god. even now, yoongi is thinking about whether he'll get back safely. jeongguk doesn't know what to do with that, so he just says, "okay, hyung."

they make it to five, then they stop somewhere on the sidewalk—mostly for jeongguk. he knows yoongi could keep going. that's obvious from the way yoongi stands there after they stop, sweaty, yes, but barely winded. jeongguk on the other hand, bends forward with his hands on his knees, breathing hard, sweat running down his temples and the back of his neck. his entire body feels heavy now. rehearsal, the lack of food, the run—all of it has finally decided to collect at once.

yoongi takes out his water bottle from the vest, and drinks beside jeongguk. for once, jeongguk doesn't watch his throat. normally he'd be watching. he knows exactly what it looks like when yoongi tips his head back and drinks, the way his throat moves with every swallow, and under normal circumstances jeongguk's brain would already have taken that somewhere it absolutely shouldn't. right now, though, he is too close to passing out to be horny. which is perhaps the most efficient method his body has ever devised for keeping him respectable.

"you okay?" yoongi asks.

jeongguk nods. "yeah."

yoongi studies him for another second, then hands him the water bottle. "drink."

jeongguk takes it. he drinks while his heart tries to recover from five kilometers of running and one very ordinary act of kindness.

"go take a taxi then," yoongi says after a while. "we'll wait here until you find one."

jeongguk shakes his head. the concern in yoongi's voice is already doing dangerous things to his heart, and he's starting to think the past thirty minutes have done more damage to his crush than the past few months combined. yoongi has slowed down for him, kept him talking, noticed when he was struggling before jeongguk said anything. now he's willing to stand on the side of a road and wait for a taxi just to make sure jeongguk gets back safely. "it's already late, hyung. you'll arrive at the hotel too late if you wait for me. i'll be fine."

"you sure?"

jeongguk nods. he gives the water bottle back to yoongi.

yoongi looks at him for another second, still unconvinced. then he points toward his bodyguard. "do you want to—"

jeongguk shakes his head before he can finish. "i'll be fine, hyung. really. i'll text you once i arrive at the hotel."

that seems to satisfy yoongi. "alright, then. text me."

jeongguk stares at him for half a second. text me.

there are completely ordinary reasons for a person to say that to another person. yoongi is making sure he's safe. yoongi is his hyung. they've known each other forever. there is nothing remotely strange about it. but it sounds like what a boyfriend would say. text me.

jeongguk wants that. fuck, he wants that so much.

he wants the version of this where getting back safely matters because he's yoongi's boyfriend, not because he's a younger member of the group who went running without eating enough. his brain supplies the image far too easily; yoongi waiting up, yoongi calling him because jeongguk's taking too long to text him.

shit.

"i will," jeongguk says, trying to sound casual. "bye, hyung." he turns and walks away.

there's a taxi passing a little farther down the road, and he raises his hand, watching it slow toward the curb. by the time he opens the door and gets inside, his legs are still heavy and his long-sleeve top is sticking to his back. he gives the driver the hotel address, then he leans back and closes his eyes.

well. that could have gone worse. it could have gone better, too. he'd wanted dinner with yoongi. an actual dinner. he'd been trying to arrange one for months, always finding some excuse to invite yoongi somewhere instead of having to actually ask him out, because saying "do you want to go on a date with me?" still feels like a level of courage he's not quite reached yet. and now yoongi had practically handed him the opportunity. you can pick the place to eat after. jeongguk had a dinner opportunity (not a date, not a date) waiting for him at the end of the run, and he'd blown it because apparently twenty-eight-year-old jeongguk is capable of forgetting to eat on the one night he's supposed to run ten kilometers with the man he's been trying to court.

he doesn't even usually do this. he's careful about his diet, he knows better. but he'd been looking forward to tonight, probably too much. he'd wanted to run with yoongi, wanted to spend time with him outside of work. and then yoongi had shown up wearing the clothes jeongguk bought him and asked him to come along. what was he supposed to do with that? apparently, what he was supposed to do was forget lunch.

still, it had been good. better than good, actually.

jeongguk looks out the taxi window at busan passing by. it had felt like a date. the only problem is that yoongi had no idea it was one, which is, unfortunately, very on-brand for the two of them.

(yoongi goes live on weverse a couple of days later, on bangtan's thirteenth anniversary, just a few hours before the concert. jeongguk watches from his phone while he's still getting his makeup done.

the comments are flying by too fast to read properly, but every now and then, one catches his eye.

yoongi, marry me.

then another. and another.

jeongguk has to bite back a laugh. or maybe cry.

he's been trying to ask this man out for months. months. he's invited him dinner, got him chocolate, bought him running clothes, managed to get himself invited on a run, and somehow yoongi remains as oblivious as a fucking rock. bless him.

good luck asking him to marry you through a screen, jeongguk thinks bitterly, watching another marriage proposal disappear up the chat.

so there's a queue. and jeongguk has been standing in the front line for years).

jeongguk spends the next month after their run trying to make himself more obvious.

objectively, he knows he could probably be doing a better job. there are no rules for this, unfortunately, no handbooks either. with anyone else, jeongguk has never had this problem. his past boyfriends and situationships usually figured him out fairly quickly. sometimes he didn't even have to say anything. a few dinners, some flirting, a little too much touching, and everyone involved generally understood that jeongguk wanted them—whether that meant dating, kissing, fucking, or some combination of the three.

yoongi is different.

maybe it's because they've known each other for so long that everything jeongguk does comes with a perfectly reasonable, very platonic explanation. gifts are normal. asking him to dinner is normal. texting him is normal. standing close during concerts and group photos is normal. touching him more often is apparently also normal, because yoongi has never once looked at him like there's anything strange about it.

meanwhile jeongguk very much wants to date him. he wants to kiss him. he wants to fuck him, if that's what yoongi wants. he isn't particularly picky about who takes it up the ass.

so, fine. he'll try harder.

he starts with coffee. it starts during the madrid leg of the tour. yoongi arrives at the venue about ten minutes after jeongguk does, and by the time he makes it into the green room, jeongguk is already holding out a cup. iced americano with a quarter cup of ice, no sugar, no syrup.

jeongguk hasn't exactly made it himself. there is a coffee dispenser in the dining hall with with enough options to make getting a cup of coffee almost effortless. all jeongguk has done is choose the right buttons and carry the finished drink across the building. still counts. the dining hall isn't particularly close to the green room, either.

"your coffee, hyung." jeongguk holds the coffee to yoongi.

"...you made coffee for me?"

yoongi looks genuinely confused, which is slightly offensive considering jeongguk has spent months trying to make his intentions clearer. "...you know that if you need anything from me, you can just—"

"no!" he replies way too fast. 

well, technically, he does need something from yoongi. he needs yoongi to notice that he's been courting him. preferably, he needs yoongi to notice, decide that he likes him back, and agree to be his boyfriend. "i just..." jeongguk starts again, buying himself time. he should have prepared an answer. because i like you is too direct and has a potential to make it awkward. because i want you to notice me sounds pathetic. because i'm courting you is technically the truth, but there is no way he's saying that out loud. so instead he picks the first lie that comes to mind. "i arrived here too early, so i thought i'd make this for you." jeongguk clears his throat. "it's iced americano. no sugar, no syrup. quarter cup of ice. just the way you like." there. that should be obvious without making it awkward. if it isn't, jeongguk may have to start carrying a fucking sign.

yoongi finally takes the cup. their fingers brush. it's barely anything, but jeongguk's body reacts with the same stupid little jolt it used to when he was younger and every accidental touch felt like a major event. he hates that he still has this problem. he's twenty-eight years old, he's kissed people, he's slept with people, he's had relationships. none of that has prepared him for yoongi's fingers touching his today.

"thank you, jeongguk." yoongi takes a sip. jeongguk watches his mouth around the straw. "yeah," yoongi says, looking down at the cup. "perfect."

jeongguk has to look away. because. huh. maybe he has a praise kink. or maybe it's just yoongi. because "perfect" shouldn't do anything to him. it's one word—a completely ordinary word. yoongi is talking about coffee. 

he takes a breath and looks at his phone like there is anything on it more interesting than the fact that yoongi is standing there drinking the coffee he got for him, looking pleased. small victory. he'll take it. after all, apparently he's going to have to be patient in courting yoongi. if yoongi needs to be handed every possible piece of evidence one coffee at a time, jeongguk can do that too.

days pass, and jeongguk doesn't stop doing it. sometimes he gets to the venue first and has yoongi's coffee waiting by the time yoongi arrives. sometimes he gets there later, in which case yoongi is already in the green room and apparently has no intention of getting his own coffee because he knows jeongguk will do it once he gets there. sometimes they happen to arrive in the same car, which are jeongguk's favorite days because then he gets to walk to the dining hall with yoongi, listen to him talk about whatever's on his mind, and make his coffee while they're already there together.

it's a ridiculous little routine, but jeongguk likes it. yoongi seems to like it too, although jeongguk isn't entirely sure whether he understands that there's a reason behind it. but after a few weeks, yoongi starts expecting it.

one day, jeongguk gets pulled aside by the stage manager almost as soon as he arrives. his mic isn't working properly, and they need to check the in-ear setup before he can go on stage. what should take a few minutes turns into twenty, then thirty. by the time jeongguk finally makes it back to the green room, yoongi is already sitting on the couch, coffeeless. yoongi looks up, and jeongguk doesn't even need to ask. he goes back to the dining hall, makes the usual iced americano, and brings it over.

"finally," yoongi says when he takes it.

jeongguk has to look away because his smile is getting impossible to hide. finally. yoongi had been waiting for him to bring his coffee. he'd actually noticed.

it's been about a a week since the coffee thing started when seokjin catches jeongguk handing yoongi his drink. "what is going on?"

jeongguk blinks at seokjin. "what?"

"you've been bringing him his coffee like a personal assistant," seokjin says.

jeongguk glances at yoongi's actual personal assistant, who is sitting quietly in the corner of the green room, occupied with her phone.

seokjin follows his gaze. "see? even his assistant is sitting right there."

jeongguk shrugs

 "did you lose a bet?" seokjin asks.

"nah." he says it calmly enough. "just helping yoongi hyung."

seokjin looks at him for a moment longer. 

jeongguk takes a sip from his own drink and tries not to look too pleased with himself. it's not his fault that he happens to know exactly how yoongi likes his coffee, or that yoongi has started waiting for him to bring it, or that hearing finally from him makes jeongguk feel absurdly good. and it's definitely not his fault that every time yoongi takes the cup from his hand, jeongguk thinks about how much more he'd like to be giving him.

eventually, seokjin sighs. "yoongi."

yoongi looks up from his phone. "what? he's being nice to me."

seokjin's eyes flick briefly toward jeongguk, then back to yoongi. "no bullying in this group, alright?" seokjin says very, very seriously.

jeongguk sighs. "there's no bullying, hyung." seokjin still looks unconvinced, so jeongguk adds, weakly, "it''s just coffee."

"...still weird. but alright," seokjin replies, before walking away.

before he can think of another way to make him a little more obvious, a conversation he really isn't looking forward to starts happening over dinner. it's after the first day of the brussels concert in july, all seven of them crowded around a table in a restaurant, still in their encore outfits with stage makeup on because nobody has had the energy to go back to the hotel to shower and change first. they're tired, hungry, loud in the way they only get after a show, everyone talking over each other while they wait for more food.

jeongguk is mostly listening the others talk when jimin suddenly looks across the table at yoongi. "so what happened to you and that chef, hyung?" he asks. "you were dating him for, what, five years?"

jeongguk's hand pauses around his chopsticks. he knew this conversation would happen eventually. five years is a long time, and everyone had known about the relationship. they had met the guy, and he'd been around enough that nobody could really pretend he was some insignificant part of yoongi's life.

jeongguk, personally, had hated that guy. which was unfair. the man had never done anything to him—in fact, he was nice in a way that felt really sincere. it's just… he was just handsome and older and successful and very obviously someone yoongi had loved, and jeongguk had been twenty-four and desperately in love with someone who was already taken. he looks down at his food.

"we broke up," yoongi says.

jimin stares at him. "yes, hyung. i know that. i'm asking why."

yoongi sighs. "he ended it."

jeongguk's chopsticks stop completely.

"he did?" hoseok asks.

yoongi nods. "yeah."

there's a brief silence around the table, the kind that happens when everybody realizes the answer isn't going to be as simple as they expected. jeongguk keeps his eyes down. the chef ended it. somehow, he'd always imagined the breakup as mutual. five years together, both adults, both busy, eventually deciding that whatever they'd had wasn't working anymore. something clean enough that yoongi could move on without looking back. apparently not.

"why?" jimin asks again.

yoongi takes a drink before answering. "he said he didn't think we were going anywhere."

"what does that mean?" taehyung asks.

"it means what it sounds like," yoongi says. "he said he wanted to start a family, and he didn't see that with me. because…" yoongi gestures widely, "my job, my schedules. just. my situation in general."

"but after five years?"

yoongi shrugs. "that's why it hurt," yoongi says, casually. jeongguk watches him. yoongi looks tired, like he's already spent too much time thinking about this and doesn't particularly want to reopen tonight.

"did you want to break up?" namjoon asks.

yoongi picks at his food for a moment, doesn't answer immediately. jeongguk wishes he wouldn't. he has a feeling that he already knows the answer. "no… i guess. i don't know." yoongi pauses, looking down at his plate. "things hadn't been good between us for about a year, by then. i knew that. i just didn't expect him to actually end it."

"then why didn't you try to stop him?" jimin asks, choosing his words carefully.

yoongi gives a small, humorless smile. "what was i supposed to do? he'd already made up his mind. i wasn't going to convince someone to stay with me."

jeongguk feels a sharp, bitter knot twist underneath his ribs, because now he understands; yoongi isn't single because he decided he was ready to be single. he's single because someone he loved decided the relationship wasn't enough anymore. and jeongguk has been standing on the sidelines for months, bringing him coffee and buying him running clothes, thinking maybe this is finally his chance. the timing suddenly feels cruel.

"do you still love him?" jimin asks.

"i don't know. i just— i think…" yoongi pauses, rubbing his thumb along the edge of his glass. "it ended too abruptly, so i'm still trying to get past it, i guess. i think i'm still trying to get to the point where i don't…" he trails off, then exhales. "you know. where i don't love him anymore."

jeongguk stops breathing for a second.

trying to get to the point where i don't love him anymore.

jeongguk suddenly feels stupid. all those little victories he'd been collecting over the past few months feel different now. the coffee, the chocolate, the running set, the run itself, the dinner yoongi had casually suggested after they finished. he'd been treating every little thing like evidence that he was getting somewhere. maybe yoongi had just been being kind. maybe he'd been enjoying having jeongguk around because jeongguk had always been around. and maybe that was all yoongi could offer right now.

suddenly, for the first time, wanting yoongi feels like a matter of waiting. yoongi is still trying to let someone else go, and jeongguk doesn't know which possibility hurts more: that he might never be what yoongi wants, or that he might be what yoongi wants and still have to wait until yoongi is ready to let him in.

the conversation haunts jeongguk until dawn, even though everyone else, even yoongi himself, seem to have moved on from the topic. jeongguk lies awake in the hotel, staring at the ceiling and replaying dinner whether he wants to or not. the chef ended it, not yoongi. not some mutual conversation where they both sat down and admitted they'd grown apart. the chef had decided the relationship wasn't going anywhere and called it off. yoongi had wanted to stay. maybe not forever, maybe not in exactly the shape they'd had before, but enough that he is still, months later, trying to reach the point where he doesn't love him anymore.

jeongguk rolls onto his side and pulls the blanket higher. so that's where yoongi is. somewhere between loving him and not loving him anymore. halfway there, maybe. a quarter of the way there if jeongguk is being honest. who knows. yoongi probably doesn't, either. meanwhile jeongguk has been bringing him coffee every morning like some lovesick idiot, buying him running clothes, following him around busan for five kilometers before nearly collapsing, finding excuses to stand next to him and touch him and generally make himself available. of course yoongi is oblivious. the man is trying to get over someone. jeongguk has basically been waving a fucking flag in front of a moving train.

he closes his eyes. then, because his brain apparently isn't interested in letting him sleep, he starts thinking about the chef. what the hell was missing? what did that man want that yoongi couldn't give him? jeongguk understands the practical answer. the chef wanted a family soon. wanted a life that could be planned in advance, a stable and ordinary enough that the next five years could be mapped out without having to account for comeback schedules, overseas tours, concerts, recording sessions, overseas flights, cameras, fans, and seven people whose lives are permanently tied together—and yoongi couldn't promise that. fine. jeongguk understands. he just doesn't particularly like it. because if the question is what yoongi is missing as a person, jeongguk can't think of a single fucking thing.

yoongi is mature. he's funny without trying to be funny half the time. he's caring, he remembers things about other people. he's pretty as hell, too, pretty in a way that can make jeongguk lose his train of thought in the middle of conversations. pretty in a way that sometimes jeongguk catches himself staring too long and has to remember that they're surrounded by other people. yoongi is so fucking pretty, that the idea of getting his hands on him has crossed jeongguk's mind more times than he could count. he wants to kiss him until that mouth is swollen. he wants to put his hands on those hips and find out how he sounds like when jeongguk takes him apart—when jeongguk wrecks him.

and then there's his voice. especially in the morning. that rough, low, half-asleep voice when yoongi hasn't had coffee yet and his words still sound dragged through sleep.

but none of that is even the important part. the important part is that yoongi takes care of people. he takes care of jeongguk.

jeongguk thinks about the run again. yoongi changing his pace without making him feel stupid for struggling. asking him about busan because he knew jeongguk needed something else to focus on, telling him to take a taxi because he didn't trust him to navigate a city he'd left fifteen years ago, telling him to text when he got back. all of it so ordinary. all of it enough to make jeongguk want him more.

the chef's loss. actually, no. jeongguk opens his eyes. the chef's problem.

maybe this is the part where his jealousy finally becomes useful. he'd spent years hating a man who hadn't actually done anything wrong, which was stupid (now that the relationship is over, he can admit that). the chef wanted a life and a future yoongi couldn't give him, and that's nobody's fault, but still. if the man couldn't see what he had, then that's his problem.

yoongi deserves someone who does. someone who doesn't look at his career and see an obstacle before looking at the man himself, who understands that yoongi's life is complicated and doesn't require him to become someone else to make it easier. someone who can look at him and think, yeah. i'll take all of that.

jeongguk pulls the blanket over his face. he can do that. he can be that person. the thought should probably feel more romantic than competitive, but at this point jeongguk isn't interested in policing his own motives. he wants yoongi and he's wanted him for years. and if yoongi is still trying to move on, then jeongguk can wait. he can keep showing up and keep making himself impossible to overlook.

eventually, yoongi is going to notice. he has to.

they're in london when jeongguk decides that the next appropriate step to speed this up is chivalry. obviously not because he thinks yoongi needs it. god, no. yoongi is perfectly capable of opening a door himself, pulling out his own chair, carrying his own bag. if anything, there is a very good chance yoongi would tell him to stop if jeongguk ever made too much of it. but jeongguk is trying to make himself obvious, and this is one of the few things he can think of that feels intentional without becoming ridiculous.

so he starts opening doors. car doors, restaurant doors, studio doors. whatever is in front of them, if jeongguk gets there first, he holds it open and waits for yoongi to walk through.

yoongi barely reacts. he just says thanks and keeps going. which is… fine. jeongguk isn't looking for a reaction every time, he's looking for accumulation. coffee every morning, gifts, (eventually, someday; a dinner invitation—a date), standing close to him, touching him more, and now doors.

if yoongi ever sits down and puts all the pieces together, jeongguk would like there to be enough of them that he can't possibly mistake the picture.

the chairs happen less often, though. mostly because jeongguk is aware that pulling out someone's chair can cross the line from mildly thoughtful into what exactly are you doing? very quickly, and he's trying to court yoongi without making the whole thing feel too fucking old-fashioned. but sometimes they're at dinner, everyone is talking, and jeongguk gets there first, or he simply feels like it, so he'll catch the back of yoongi's chair before he sits down and pull it out for him. sometimes yoongi gives him a look, but sits anyway. it doesn't matter. jeongguk can feel the small, private satisfaction of having done it anyway.

tonight is one of the days where yoongi doesn't give him a look when jeongguk pulls a chair out for him. he just sits with a quiet "thank you" and moves on.

jeongguk takes the seat beside yoongi, because there is an empty one there and because he has lost the ability to pretend he doesn't always choose the seat beside yoongi when given the option. nobody cares. nobody even looks twice.

it's one of those nights when the crowd has been loud enough to wipe out whatever exhaustion they should be feeling. everyone is still in their encore clothes, makeup still on, talking over each other and too loudly. yoongi is also in a particularly good mood, smiling more than usual, and jeongguk keeps catching himself looking at him from beside him.

jeongguk is halfway through his wine when namjoon says, "you know our stage photographer has a crush on you, right, hyung?"

yoongi turns his head toward namjoon. "what?" he says as hoseok speaks at the same time, "i've been meaning to say that, too!"

jeongguk chokes. he coughs into his fist, sets his glass down and spends a few seconds trying to recover while yoongi looks between namjoon and hoseok with a genuine lack of understanding. "what do you mean?"

"he likes you," namjoon says.

yoongi blinks. "our stage photographer?"

jimin is the one losing patience now. "yes, hyung," he says.

yoongi is quiet for a few seconds. and then, he asks very seriously, "why?"

jeongguk has to look away.

why? what kind of question is that.

but then, jeongguk thinks, briefly, about the photographs. 

he's seen them. of course he has. for this tour, all the photographers upload their shots to a shared drive after each concert, everything from stage photos and backstage candids to group pictures and individual shots. all seven of them have access to it, so they can download whatever they want later, whether they want to post it, send it to their families, or keep it in their own albums.

yoongi's individual folder has a few smaller albums from the tour, photos from museums, streets, cafés, and whatever else he's wandered into in each city. jeongguk has clicked through them. he knows yoongi's been bringing the stage photographer with him when he goes out during his free time in europe, but that's hardly unusual. some of the other members do the same on personal trips when they want decent photos for themselves, so jeongguk has never thought much of it.

his mind goes back to the pictures. yoongi laughing at the camera, yoongi with his hands in his pockets, yoongi walking through a museum, caught from behind, or sitting at a café with his attention somewhere else. they look... personal. boyfriend-coded. now jeongguk realizes why: the photographer wasn't just taking good pictures of yoongi. he was watching him, waiting for those little moments when yoongi forgot the camera was there. apparently, he likes yoongi. like, likes yoongi.

great.

jeongguk has spent the last few months trying to get through to yoongi while simultaneously competing with a five-year relationship that ended only because the other man couldn't see a future with yoongi, and now there is a photographer.

"he has a crush on me?" yoongi asks again.

"yes." jimin genuinely looks unimpressed now.

"how do you know?" yoongi asks.

"everyone knows," taehyung answers simply.

jeongguk feels his stomach drop. everyone knows. of course they do. apparently everyone in their immediate vicinity has enough observational skills to identify a man with a crush on yoongi, except yoongi himself. and jeongguk. in his defense, he has been so occupied with wanting yoongi that it genuinely never occurred to him to look at who else might also be looking at yoongi.

"but... how?" yoongi asks again.

seokjin shrugs. "well, it's pretty obvious."

yoongi frowns. "i don't think so." then, he picks up his chopsticks again.

jeongguk stares at him. that's it…? he has just been informed that another man wants him and he's already gone back to dinner. jeongguk doesn't even know whether to be impressed or frustrated. probably both.

the problem is that he can't even blame yoongi for being oblivious. the man has been doing this to jeongguk for months—hell, years—without realizing it. maybe this is simply what happens when you're min yoongi. people look at you, fall for you, and he remains completely unaware, happily eating his dinner while everybody else quietly loses their minds around him.

the next day, jeongguk may or may not become competitive with the photographer. jeongguk knows it isn't the man's fault. the photographer doesn't even know yoongi knows now, and as far as jeongguk can tell, the photographer has no idea that there is another person standing around with exactly the same problem he has: looking at min yoongi and wanting him.

but jeongguk has spent an entire day thinking about those photographs. yoongi has been taking the photographer around cities and museums and cafés during their off-hours to take pictures of him, and the guy is using the opportunity to start collecting all these little pictures of yoongi when he's away from the stage. jeongguk has seen them. he knows what they look like. he knows how easy it is to make yoongi look like somebody's boyfriend when he's dressed down, carrying a coffee, standing in front of some old building and smiling at whoever is behind the camera. the guy has been taking pictures of him like he already has some claim to the role. 

fine.

jeongguk can play too.

it's after the concert. the photographer gathers them together for another set of shots. once the group photos are done, the others start drifting away toward the green room and the staff gathering their things.

jeongguk catches yoongi before he can follow them. "hyung, one more."

yoongi turns toward him, face confused. he's about to say something, but jeongguk is already reaching for him and guiding him. he slips one arm around yoongi's waist and brings his other hand up against his chest, guiding him backward until yoongi's back meets his.

"like this, hyung." jeongguk bends slightly, lowering himself until his chin rests against yoongi's shoulder, his face tucked close to the side of yoongi's neck.

yoongi glances back at him. "jeongguk—"

the photographer has already lifted his camera, but he pauses, looking between them as if waiting for jeongguk to explain what he's doing.

jeongguk holds yoongi where he is and looks straight at him. "just one picture," he says, firm enough that the photographer finally raises the camera again.

like this, he can smell the faint trace of body wash beneath yoongi's perfume, feel the warmth of his body through the thin fabric of his shirt. his hand stays spread over yoongi's chest, holding him against him as the shutter starts clicking. if the photographer wants pictures of yoongi, fine. jeongguk wants the photographer to take this one, too. he wants him to see exactly how close jeongguk can get to yoongi, how naturally yoongi fits against him, how little distance there is between them when jeongguk chooses not to leave any.

"got it," the photographer finally says.

jeongguk lets go. yoongi straightens and turns toward him, smoothing the front of his shirt where jeongguk's hand had been. "why did you suddenly want a picture of just us?"

jeongguk shrugs. "you look good tonight. i just wanted a picture with you," he says simply. yoongi looks at him for a second, still seeming slightly puzzled, but jeongguk is already turning away. "come on. they're waiting."

he catches up with the others, leaving yoongi to follow.

jeongguk might be imagining it. he might also be right.

the problem is that there is now evidence, and unfortunately for him, the evidence is sitting in an online drive that all seven of them share with the photographers and staff. 

after london, they fly to munich, then paris, and the schedule between concerts gives them more free time than usual. the seven of them take advantage of it, going out together, seeing tourist spots, trying restaurants, wandering around the cities whenever they can. there is always something happening, and jeongguk has plenty of other things to think about. so it takes him three weeks to remember the picture he took with yoongi. when he does, he opens the online drive immediately.

jeongguk goes straight to the london album and starts scrolling through the concert photos, looking for the picture he'd taken with yoongi to save it. after, he sees the munich album—the concert four days after london—and clicks into it.

there are a lot of pictures of yoongi in this album, more than he remembers from london. he goes back to the london album and starts counting without really meaning to. the difference is almost ridiculous. the photographer had taken nearly twice as many pictures of yoongi in munich. jeongguk frowns and opens the paris album and goes through it. it's the same as munich, twice as many pictures of yoongi. maybe even thrice.

then, he looks at the pictures closely, this time paying attention to where he is in the frame. there are several moments he remembers clearly: standing beside yoongi, sitting next to him during the encore ment, leaning over to say something to him. he remembers the photographer being there, remembers seeing the camera pointed toward them. but somehow, somehow jeongguk isn't in the photographs. yoongi is there, but the frame has been composed around him.

jeongguk scrolls back and checks another one. same thing. then another. every time jeongguk remembers being beside yoongi, the photograph has yoongi in it and somehow leaves him out. he stops scrolling.

motherfucker.

the photographer has been leaving jeongguk out of the shots whenever he's with yoongi.

jeongguk stares at the screen. the photographer has apparently decided that if jeongguk wants to insert himself into yoongi's pictures, he's going to have to work harder.

fine.

jeongguk is bitter now, sue him. he hadn't realized he was going to have to compete with a fucking photographer. he'd already spent enough time mentally fighting with the chef—a man who had five years of history with yoongi and a completely reasonable reason for ending the relationship even if jeongguk hated it. now he's apparently in a territorial dispute with the stage photographer. and, worse, the man is good at it.

jeongguk closes the drive. the next time they take group pictures, jeongguk decides, he's going to make it considerably harder to crop him out. if he stands beside yoongi, he'll stand closer. if yoongi sits down, jeongguk will sit beside him. if the photographer wants a clean frame with only yoongi in it, he's going to have to work around another five-foot-ten problem attached to yoongi's side. it's petty. it's also, unfortunately, extremely satisfying.

jeongguk has been trying to make yoongi notice him for months, and now there's a man actively editing him out photographs. absolutelyfuckingnot. if he gets close enough often enough, the photographer is eventually going to have to accept that sometimes the picture isn't just of yoongi. sometimes it's of yoongi with jeongguk.  

it's on august 1st, in east rutherford, when jeongguk finally loses whatever restraint he has left. there are only a few seconds between songs, the kind of transition where the stage changes around them and everyone is moving into their next positions. the noise gets louder in the space between songs, thousands of people filling metlife stadium with that restless anticipation that comes whenever they know the next song is about to start.

jeongguk catches the photographer at the side of the stage. the camera is already raised, and it's pointed straight at yoongi. which makes sense because yoongi is opening the next song. of course the photographer is ready for him. jeongguk knows that. he's worked with this man long enough to understand how he shoots, when he moves, what he looks for. but he also remembers the munich and paris albums, that whenever he happens to be beside yoongi, he has an uncanny tendency to disappear from the finished photographs.

so when he sees that lens trained on yoongi, his brain goes, oh, fuck this.

jeongguk walks over to yoongi.

the stadium screens are showing the stage and already focusing on yoongi. the cameras are everywhere. there is absolutely no possibility that what he's about to do is going unnoticed. jeongguk closes the distance between them until he's standing directly beside yoongi, then closer still. he turns his body and rests his forehead against the side of yoongi's head, looking at him instead of the audience. for the screens, it makes a striking picture: the two of them alone in the frame for those few seconds, jeongguk leaning into yoongi while yoongi waits for the cue to begin. he knows exactly how it looks—that's the point.

except then he actually looks at yoongi.

and… god. from this angle, he's fucking beautiful.

the slight pout of his lips, the small shape of his button nose from the side. his eyes turned toward the other side of the stage, giving his face this softness that jeongguk doesn't usually get to see from afar. the stage lights catch along yoongi's cheekbone and the edge of his hair, and jeongguk has the sudden, ridiculous thought that this is exactly the kind of thing the photographer has been trying to capture. except jeongguk is standing here with yoongi now.

for one reckless second, jeongguk wants to bend his head and put his mouth against the side of yoongi's neck, right where the skin disappears beneath the collar of his shirt. he wants to linger there, wants to taste the warmth of yoongi's skin against his lips and leave a bruise blooming beneath the skin, dark enough to remain for days. he wants to see it later, when yoongi turns his head or catches his reflection, a faint reminder of where jeongguk's mouth had been. he wants everyone to see it too.

jeongguk's hand comes up and rests on top of yoongi's head. the gesture is meant to be part of the performance, if anyone asks, but jeongguk knows better. his thumb moves once against yoongi's hair. he thinks about turning yoongi toward him. about what it would feel like to have that mouth against him instead of merely looking at it from the side. about putting his hands around yoongi's waist and keeping him there. about what it would take to make yoongi look at him with that same distracted, slightly unfocused expression for an entirely different reason.

for one brief, reckless second, the stadium becomes exactly what jeongguk wants it to be; a place where everyone can see him wanting yoongi. not the careful version of it. this.

his forehead against yoongi's head, his hand in yoongi's hair, his body close enough that there is no mistaking who he has chosen to stand beside when there are six other people on the stage. he could kiss yoongi. right here, under the stage lights, in front of cameras, in front of the other members, in front of another man standing across the stage wanting the same person. some ugly, possessive part of him thinks, fine, let them know. but then the cue comes and the lights change and yoongi turns toward the audience.

jeongguk has to move with him, taking his place as the next song begins. his hand drops from yoongi's head. he steps away, but his pulse is still running hard, and he knows the photographer got it. every camera got it. for the next few songs, he doesn't let himself think about what any of it means. he is still running on the rush of having done it, on the feeling of yoongi's hair beneath his palm and the few seconds when there had been nothing between them except the noise of the stadium and the heat of the stage. every time the thought starts to creep in—what the fuck did i just do?—another song starts, another cue comes, and he has to turn his attention back to the performance.

by the encore, the adrenaline has started wearing off. his breathing is back under control, his pulse no longer trying to break through his ribs. exhaustion takes its place before he ever gets the chance to think about what happened onstage. whatever his body had been running on during the concert is starting to disappear now, replaced by the familiar heaviness in his limbs that comes after a long show. by the time the final song ends, the whole thing already feels distant enough to leave alone.

backstage, everyone falls into the usual post-concert routine. jimin and taehyung head to the dining hall to grab a quick snack before they leave. hoseok takes a quick shower. seokjin and namjoon's car is ready first, so they're already gone. a few staff members are packing up and heading out too, while jeongguk's personal assistant stays in the far corner of the green room, checking his phone and dealing with the last few things before they leave.

by the time jeongguk finishes changing, the room is quiet. he looks around and realizes it's only him and yoongi left. which is fine. they're sharing a car tonight, anyway. there isn't anything unusual about being alone with yoongi after a concert. they've done this plenty of times. jeongguk picks up his bag and starts gathering the rest of his things, already thinking about the hotel, a shower, sleep. the stage is far enough behind him now that he isn't thinking about it anymore.

then yoongi reaches for his wrist. the hand around his wrist is warm. jeongguk looks down at it before looking back at yoongi. "so..." yoongi says.

jeongguk waits. "...so?"

"so what was... that?"

and there it is.

the question pulls the whole night back into focus so quickly that jeongguk almost feels stupid for having forgotten. what was that? 

that; the stage. yoongi's face beside his, his forehead against the side of yoongi's head, his hand in yoongi's hair, thumb brushing once through it, the cameras, all of it, suddenly back in the room with them, even though the green room looks exactly as it did five minutes ago, only now… now yoongi is looking at him, and now he knows—or he suspects.

jeongguk had wanted this for months. he had wanted yoongi to notice. had spent weeks accumulating little things like evidence: the coffee, the gift, the little chivalry acts, the way he sits beside him, the way he touches him now without thinking quite so hard. he'd wanted to be seen. he hadn't thought much about what happened after.

wanting someone to notice you is easy when you still have the luxury of pretending you could deny it. now that there is nowhere to put that denial, jeongguk feels strangely exposed. it's almost physical, the sensation of it. like his clothes have been taken off of his body that he'd kept covered for years, and suddenly he's standing there with all the parts of himself he'd been keeping carefully out of sight laid open between them.

he thinks about that—the stage; the way he'd looked at yoongi. god. he'd looked at yoongi like he wanted him—because he did. he still does.

there had been a moment when the cameras were on them and the stadium was watching and jeongguk had known exactly what he was doing, and he'd still thought about turning yoongi's face toward him, thought about kissing him there, about putting his mouth against his neck and leaving a mark visible enough that nobody could misunderstand it. he'd been so fucking sure of himself. now yoongi is asking him what it meant, and all that confidence has gone somewhere. because now there's another possibility, and jeongguk hadn't let himself think about it before.

what if yoongi isn't asking because he's interested? what if he's asking because he wants to make sure? what if he's finally connected the coffee and the gift and the dinner invitation and the touching and the staring and what happened on stage tonight, all of it, and his next question is going to be some version of, are you doing this because you like me?

and then what? jeongguk knows exactly what: yoongi will tell him to stop. the thought hits hard enough that he almost pulls his wrist away. he can't. he can't think, can't move.

yoongi's fingers loosen slightly, but his hand remains there. "you know what i'm talking about," yoongi says.

jeongguk swallows. there's no clever answer anymore. no joke he can throw into the space between them and use to make the whole thing look like a normal bit of stage play. he could say it was for the camera, that he was playing around, and that everyone does things like that onstage. all of those things could sound convincing enoug, but none of them would explain the way he'd looked at yoongi. besides, yoongi would know. jeongguk has known yoongi for too long to believe otherwise.

the fear is embarrassing. he'd spent the entire night acting like he had nothing to lose, like he could put his hand on yoongi's head in front of an entire stadium and stare at him like that and deal with whatever happened afterward. now it's afterward, and yoongi is standing right in front of him, and jeongguk can't even move.

he looks at yoongi's face and remembers being younger, when being close to yoongi had been easy. back then, he'd nuzzle into his shoulder without thinking about what it meant, or fall asleep against him, or steal his clothes, or sit on his bed, or climb into his space whenever he wanted and never once wonder whether wanting more made him greedy. puberty had ruined that. or maybe puberty had simply made him understand it. he'd spent years teaching himself how to hide it. for the past few months, he's spent months teaching yoongi how to see it, but tonight he desperately wants nothing but to hide it again.

"i don't know," jeongguk says. he knows even before saying it, that it's a terrible answer. yoongi's eyes stay on him. jeongguk can feel his own pulse under yoongi's hand around his wrist.

he wants to say it; yes, i want you, hyung. i've been trying to court you, i've been looking at you like that for months. yes, i want your mouth, your hands, your body. i want to know what happens when you stop treating me like someone you've known forever and start touching me because you want me. but underneath all of that is one fear he can't quite silence; please don't tell me to stop.

he hadn't realized that was what he'd been afraid of; losing the freedom to want yoongi in all the small ways he's been allowing himself lately. if yoongi tells him to stop, all of those things become different. jeongguk suddenly hates how much he has to lose.

yoongi's thumb shifts once against his wrist. "jeongguk." his voice is quiet.

jeongguk looks at him. and for perhaps the first time since this whole ridiculous campaign started, he doesn't feel like someone trying to get yoongi's attention. he feels like someone who has finally gotten it and is terrified of what yoongi is going to do with it. for a second, neither of them moves. jeongguk could answer him with the truth—he probably should. he's wanted this for years, wanted yoongi to finally ask him what all of it means, and now that the question is actually here, he should probably be brave enough to tell the truth.

instead, he reaches for the easiest way out.

"my legs are really hurting now," he says, easing his wrist out of yoongi's hand.

yoongi's concern appears immediately. "still?"

"yeah. a little worse today." it's true. his legs have been hurting since yesterday, all of the members and the staff know. they're hurting now, too, just not badly enough that he would have brought it up on his own. he knows exactly what he's doing. he also knows yoongi won't argue with it. "can we just go back to the hotel?" jeongguk asks. "i'm exhausted."

yoongi hesitates, then nods. "...alright."

jeongguk reaches for his bag, and the relief comes before the guilt does. yoongi picks up his own bag and follows jeongguk out, and neither of them says anything on the way outside. they pass through the quieting backstage corridors, past staff still packing equipment and cases being wheeled toward the exits. the venue feels different now that the concert is over, most of the noise gone, the crowds long since cleared out. their car is waiting near the entrance. jeongguk lets yoongi get in first, sliding into the back seat, before he follows a moment later.

being in the car is worse. the space inside it is too small for what jeongguk is trying not to think about. they're sitting beside each other in the back seat, their knees almost touching. there is nowhere for jeongguk's attention to go except the dark window, his phone, his own hands. he can feel yoongi looking at him bbut he doesn't turn.

the driver shifts into gear. suddenly, jeongguk can't breathe properly. they're going back to the hotel, and there, yoongi will have time to ask again, without the noise of the venue or other people coming and going around them. he can already picture it. yoongi will catch his wrist again, ask him to come with him to his room and sit down on his bed, and wait for an answer. if jeongguk tries to joke his way out of it, yoongi will wait. if he changes the subject, yoongi will bring him back to it.

that's how yoongi is; once he knows there's a question between them, he wants an answer. he doesn't run away, he doesn't leave things hanging just because they're uncomfortable.

jeongguk does.

he wants to run before yoongi can ask him again. the thought of sitting in the hotel room with yoongi looking at him, waiting for him to finally admit what he's been doing, makes his chest feel tight enough that he can't stand the idea of getting any closer to the hotel.

"wait." the word comes out before jeongguk has even formed a proper thought about what he's doing. the driver looks at him through the mirror. jeongguk's mouth goes dry. "i'm—" he stops. he looks toward the other side of the car, anywhere except yoongi. he's a fucking coward. "i'll just go with taehyung and hoseok hyung." he reaches for the door before either of them can question it.

"jeongguk—"

he gets out before yoongi can say anything else. he shuts the door harder than he means it to. his manager is standing a few feet away, looking at him with the puzzled expression.

"i'm going with taehyung and hoseok hyung," jeongguk says quickly. "which one is their car?"

his manager points toward the vehicle behind them. "that one. but are you sure? they're going to the gym."

"yeah. thank you." jeongguk is already walking.

the gym is a terrible idea. it's still better than the hotel. jeongguk reaches the other car and opens the door.

taehyung looks up from inside. "you're coming with us?"

"yeah." jeongguk gets in before anyone can ask anything else. he shuts the door, leans his head back against the seat, and closes his eyes.

for the first time tonight, there is no yoongi beside him. the relief is immediate, so is the ache that follows it. jeongguk swallows and stares at the ceiling of the car. this is what he gets, apparently, for finally getting what he wanted. yoongi noticed, and now jeongguk is terrified.

jeongguk avoids yoongi for the next five days. not completely, because then that would be suspicious, and besides, they're still bangtan. there are only so many places to hide when six other people know exactly where you're supposed to be at all times. he just gets better at choosing the spaces in between. he still gets yoongi his coffee, because at this point it's habit now, he just doesn't give it to yoongi right away. sometimes he places the cup near yoongi's belongings in the green room, or just gives it to yoongi's personal assistant and tells her to give it to yoongi.

in his free time, he goes bowling with namjoon and hoseok, or to the gym with hoseok and taehyung—that one is easier; jeongguk is tired enough after the gym that his brain finally shuts up for a few hours, which is useful. he doesn't think about the photographer. he doesn't think about yoongi's hand around his wrist. he doesn't think about the question in yoongi's voice. he doesn't think about what he would have said if yoongi had asked him directly

some nights, he lets jimin drag him through cafes and restaurants. they both eat too much, take pictures of each other. some other nights when he's too tired to go anywhere, he ends up in seokjin's hotel room playing games until almost five in the morning. 

jeongguk fills his time, that's the trick. he keeps moving and there's less room to think. he also gets very good at avoiding being alone with yoongi. if they share a car, jeongguk finds someone else to go with them, or moves to another car. if yoongi stands close to him, jeongguk finds a reason to speak to somebody else.

onstage, he tries not to change too much. he keeps his distance from yoongi, but when the others joke around yoongi, he still joins them. he still sits beside him during encore ment, sometimes. during photoshoots, he still stands beside yoongi. jeongguk hasn't suddenly become cold. he just leaves before yoongi can catch his wrist again, looks away before their eyes meet for too long, makes sure there is always somebody else between them when the opportunity presents itself.

it works, but only for a week. then jeongguk realizes that maybe it hadn't been working at all. it's yoongi who had been letting him avoid him. he'd just given jeongguk the distance he was so obviously asking for. and jeongguk had been so busy running that he hadn't realized yoongi was letting him.

five days. that was all yoongi was willing to give him. then yoongi catches him.

it happens after rehearsal, when most of the others have already gone ahead. jeongguk has just finished changing and is checking the time on his phone when he hears footsteps behind him. "jeongguk."

fuck.

yoongi comes up beside him, bag hanging from one shoulder. his hair is still slightly damp with sweat, he looks tired in that particular way he gets after a long rehearsal. "where are you going?"

"hotel," jeongguk answers.

"with who?"

jeongguk's thumb moves across his phone screen without actually opening anything. "namjoon hyung."

yoongi looks at him. jeongguk can feel it. "he already left."

shit.

jeongguk keeps his eyes on his phone for another second, then finally looks up. yoongi's expression is calm, but jeongguk knows that look. there won't be another excuse this time. yoongi isn't letting him run.

"oh," jeongguk says.

"come have dinner with me."

jeongguk blinks. for a second, the words don't quite register. "what?"

"you heard me," yoongi says. he looks at jeongguk like he's suggesting the most ordinary plan in the world. which, technically, he is. "i want to eat somewhere before we go back," yoongi continues. "and i still owe you that dinner."

jeongguk stares at him.

that dinner.

the one they were supposed to have months ago, the dinner where jeongguk accidentally booked the restaurant where yoongi's ex worked, and the one yoongi cancelled last minute because of that very reason. the one that had never been rescheduled because their schedules had swallowed the next few months whole. the dinner that had once felt like a date to jeongguk. now, after almost a week of avoiding him, yoongi is the one asking.

"you picked the place last time, but i cancelled," yoongi reminds him. "so you can pick again now."

jeongguk's mouth goes dry. he has spent the last seven days trying to put distance between himself and yoongi, and yoongi has apparently responded by walking directly into that distance and asking him to dinner. jeongguk slips his phone into his pocket. "okay."

yoongi nods. "let's go then."

they start walking toward the exit together toward the car. jeongguk keeps his hands in his pockets and tries to keep a safe distance from yoongi.

"i tried a place with jimin hyung a couple days ago," jeongguk says as they get into the car. "we can go there."

"yeah, okay," yoongi says.

the car ride feels different. it's not like this usually. they can sit in a car together for an hour and barely notice the time passing, one of them bringing up something stupid from earlier, the other following the thread somewhere completely unrelated. sometimes they talk about work, food, about whatever they've been watching. sometimes one of them falls asleep and the other doesn't bother waking him until they arrive.

now, though, jeongguk sits beside yoongi with his hands tucked between his knees and watches the city move past the window. he doesn't know how long they've been driving before he realizes they've said nothing at all. jeongguk looks down at his phone, he opens and closes it multiple times.  he could say something, anything, really, he knows yoongi would answer, but the small talk would probably make it more awkward. so now, his mind starts circling the same thing; so what was that?

he can still hear yoongi saying it. the question has been following him for days. he'd thought avoiding yoongi would make it easier. it had, for a few days when he could fill his schedule until there was no space left to think about it, go to the gym, play games with seokjin, wander around with jimin, let namjoon and hoseok drag him bowling. but now he's here beside yoongi, going to dinner because yoongi asked him. the distance he's spent five days creating has disappeared in less than ten minutes.

jeongguk glances sideways and looks at yoongi. yoongi is looking out the window—his profile is familiar enough that jeongguk could probably draw it from memory; the shape of his nose, his mouth relaxed when he's not talking, hair falling across his forehead in a way his stylist would probably fix if they were still working.

jeongguk looks away.

he'd been so certain before, confident enough to put his hands on yoongi in front of an entire stadium and let thousands of people watch him look at yoongi like that. now he's sitting beside him in a car and can't figure out how to say, how was your day?

he wonders if yoongi knows. but then again, he probably already does. maybe not everything, probably not the extent of it, but enough. enough to know that the answer to what was that? wasn't nothing.

jeongguk rubs his thumb against the edge of his phone. he looks out the window again and watches buildings blur past. the restaurant is only another fifteen minutes away. he has fifteen minutes to figure out how to sit across from the man he's been trying to date for months without looking like someone who has spent the last week running away from him.

by the time they arrive, jeongguk has managed to come up with several versions of what he could say and reject every one of them. none of them sound right. none of them sound like something he could actually say to yoongi without immediately wanting to crawl under the table afterward.

the restaurant is quieter than the last time he went with jimin. there are only a few other people scattered around, enough background noise that they don't have to worry about being overheard, but not enough that jeongguk has to raise his voice to talk. he lets yoongi choose the seat first, then takes the one across from him.

for a while, the dinner is almost painfully ordinary—as ordinary as it can be when jeongguk knows yoongi brought him here to talk about what happened, and neither of them is saying it yet. jeongguk recommends the grilled pork because he remembers liking it when he came here with jimin, and yoongi goes with it after asking what else they'd tried. they order a few things to share, along with rice and drinks, and the conversation finds its way into safer territory.

yoongi tells him what he's been doing over the past week. work, some running, a little wandering around the city when he has time. he mentions that he's been sleeping badly again this month. jeongguk just asks whether it's because of the jetlag, and yoongi says probably. jeongguk tells him about bowling with namjoon and hoseok. he talks about the gym, too, though he leaves out the part where half the reason he went was because sitting around with his own thoughts had become unbearable. he tells yoongi about the cafes and restaurants jimin dragged him to, yoongi asks what he ordered.

there are stretches where neither of them talks because they're eating. it almost feels ordinary and comfortable, and jeongguk had forgotten how much he missed that. jeongguk has spent so much time wanting extraordinary things from yoongi that sometimes he forgets how much of what he actually wants is this; a table, a quiet restaurant, yoongi sitting across from him after a long day, talking about nothing particularly important. or maybe he hasn't forgotten. maybe he's just been too busy running from it.

the thought makes his chest ache. he still hasn't told yoongi why he ran away from the car that night. he hasn't explained the week of avoidance, either. yoongi hasn't brought it up—at least not until now—and sitting across from him like this makes it harder to pretend the dinner is just dinner, that they'll finish eating and yoongi will say let's head back, then, and everything will return to normal. maybe yoongi is giving him more time. maybe he's giving jeongguk the chance to be the one who brings it up first. after all, yoongi could have confronted him days ago. instead, he'd given jeongguk room, and jeongguk had spent that room running.

by the time the plates are cleared, the conversation has thinned out again. there is nothing left between them to discuss that can be safely called ordinary, and neither of them seems particularly interested in pretending otherwise. the restaurant has gotten quieter around them. a couple at the other end of the room leaves, taking some of the noise with them. a server clears the table beside theirs. jeongguk keeps his hands around his glass and watches the condensation gather beneath it.

yoongi doesn't seem to know how to start either. jeongguk can see him hesitate before he finally speaks again. "i don't know if you know, but there are a lot of pictures of that."

jeongguk goes still. that. there it is. they're finally talking about it.

jeongguk knows about the pictures. the pictures had been everywhere within hours. fan accounts reposting them, people slowing down clips, snapshoots of the stadium screens, comments about how close they'd looked, how jeongguk had looked at yoongi from the side, how he'd kept watching him even after he'd pulled away, his gaze lingering on yoongi with enough heat that people noticed.

he'd avoided most of it. he'd learned very quickly that there was no point reading what other people thought about a moment when he already knew exactly what had been happening inside his own head. he looks like he wants him. that was the comment that kept appearing, sometimes phrased differently or more subtle, sometimes embarrassingly blunt, but always somewhere around the same idea. jeongguk looked at yoongi like he wanted him.

they weren't wrong. jeongguk had wanted yoongi for years. there had been a period when wanting yoongi had been private, contained enough, that jeongguk could bury deep enough that he could go home to another man and pretend that was enough. yoongi had been in a relationship too then. jeongguk had accepted it because there hadn't been anything else to do. he'd dated someone too, kissed him, slept with him, tried to make a life out of the space that wasn't occupied by yoongi, and it hadn't worked. now yoongi became single again, and jeongguk had spent months trying to close the distance he'd been too afraid to cross for years, with coffee, gifts, touches, all those little things that had seemed harmless because each one could be explained on its own, until now.

now there are photographs. there are thousands of people who have seen the way he looked at yoongi, and yoongi has seen them too.

jeongguk's fingers tighten around his glass. "i know," he says. his voice comes out quieter than he expects. he looks down at the table. "i'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable, hyung. i didn't—" the lie catches in his throat.

he wants to say i didn't mean to do what i did, but he can't, because he meant to do it. maybe not the part where his whole body had forgotten the photographer existed because he was too busy looking at yoongi. but he'd walked over there because he wanted to be seen. he wanted the photographer to know he wasn't going to be edited out of every picture beside yoongi. he'd wanted to make a point. he'd just lost control of what the point became.

jeongguk swallows, his throat hurts. "i didn't mean to," he says anyway. "i was just... playing around."

yoongi doesn't answer. jeongguk can feel him looking at him. he hates it. he wants it. both feelings have been living inside him for so long that sometimes he doesn't know where one ends and the other begins. "did you really not mean it?"

jeongguk looks up. yoongi's expression has changed. there isn't accusation there. that would almost be easier. instead, yoongi is watching him with a quiet, careful focus, like he's comparing "i was just playing around" with every coffee, every gift, every lingering touch, every time jeongguk had looked at him when he thought yoongi wasn't paying attention.

"i..." yoongi starts, then stops. he looks down at his hands. "i've been thinking about it this past week," he says. jeongguk doesn't move. "and i've been trying to piece things together," yoongi continues. "the coffee. you asking me to dinner on christmas eve last year. you standing close to me more often. all of it."

jeongguk's heart gives one hard beat.

"i thought it was just you being you," yoongi says. "you've always done things for me. you've always been..." he pauses, searching for the word. "close." he raises his head and looks at jeongguk. "but that night, onstage… it felt different. "yoongi's voice gets quieter. "and then i started thinking about everything else, and suddenly it made sense."

hearing yoongi say it out loud is almost disorienting. jeongguk has spent months trying to make sense of his own behavior, wondering whether he's obvious enough, wondering whether yoongi is ignoring it or genuinely doesn't see it, wondering how someone could miss all the signs jeongguk has been giving him, signs that feel so fucking loud inside his own head. apparently, yoongi simply hadn't had the context to understand what he was looking at, and now he does.

"i don't know," yoongi says. "maybe i've been imagining it." yoongi takes a deep breath before continuing. "i just wanted to make sure."

jeongguk's chest tightens. yoongi wants to make sure jeongguk really meant it. make sure the way he'd looked at him onstage hadn't been a performance, that the coffee and the gifts and all those little touches weren't simply how jeongguk treated him because they'd always been close. jeongguk can only stare at him. yoongi wants to know.

jeongguk's eyes drop to the table again. the restaurant suddenly feels too public, despite the empty tables around them. too much space, with not enough easy exits, nowhere he can disappear without making it obvious. he rubs his thumb against the side of his glass. he doesn't know how much longer he can keep doing this.

ever since namjoon told him yoongi was single again, the feelings jeongguk have tried to bury for so long have been getting harder to contain. now yoongi is sitting across from him in a restaurant, and yoongi is doing exactly what jeongguk had spent all those months hoping he would do—trying to understand.

he thinks about what he'll do if yoongi doesn't want him once he gets the confirmation he wants. they'll probably become a little distant. not strangers, obviously. that's impossible. they've known each other too long for that. but something will change. there will be things they won't do anymore. perhaps the coffee will stop. perhaps yoongi will think twice before asking him to run with him. perhaps jeongguk will have to learn how to sit beside him without wanting to touch him. and maybe he won't be able to handle it. maybe he'll do what he did the first time he found out yoongi liked men and had a boyfriend; get himself a boyfriend.

it would be unfair to that person. jeongguk  would probably feel like the worst boyfriend in the world, because no matter how good the other man was, he wouldn't be yoongi. he wouldn't be the person jeongguk had spent years wanting.

jeongguk swallows once. "i like you—"

his phone rings. loudly. so fucking loudly that jeongguk flinches, and yoongi does too.

for a second, the ringtone seems absurdly out of place in the quiet restaurant. jeongguk had turned the sound during the ride here. he normally keeps his phone silent, but the silence in the car had been too much, and he'd wanted the noise. notifications, typing sounds, whatever he could get from his phone while pretending he wasn't sitting beside yoongi with his heart trying to punch through his ribs.

he looks at the screen.

taehyung.

of course.

jeongguk almost laughs. maybe this is the universe giving him an exit. he answers. "hey, hyung."

"i'm going bowling with namjoon hyung and hoseok hyung," taehyung says, completely unaware that jeongguk is sitting across from the man he's been in love with for years, having just failed to confess to him because his phone decided to scream. "you wanna join?"

jeongguk looks at yoongi. yoongi is still watching him. he should probably hang up, finish what he started like a real fucking man. he could say it again. i like you. he's had them in his head for years. instead, he hears himself say, "yes." he turns his head away from yoongi. "i'll go now."

taehyung sounds pleased. "okay. same place as yesterday. booked under kim namjoon."

"okay." jeongguk hangs up. the phone feels hot in his hand. "it's taehyung hyung, he's telling me to come," he says, because apparently he needs to explain himself even though yoongi has heard him say i'll go now. "thank you for having dinner with me, hyung, but i have to go. i'll pay."

"jeongguk—" yoongi pushes his chair back.

jeongguk is already standing. he doesn't let himself look at yoongi properly. "see you, hyung." he picks up his bag and walks. he can feel yoongi behind him, he hears yoongi saying his name again, but he quickens his pace. at the counter, he doesn't wait for the bill. he pulls out cash and put down more than the bill probably requires. "just give the receipt to that man over there," he says, gesturing vaguely behind him, "and keep the change."

he turns toward the door. he doesn't look back.

he had been given the chance to tell yoongi. he had started to. then when the phone rang, he chose to answer it. he chose the bowling alley, namjoon, hoseok, taehyung. noise. other people. another place to put his body so he doesn't have to sit across from yoongi and hear what comes after i like you.

he chose running away. again.

outside, the night air hits him. jeongguk walks faster than he needs to. he doesn't know whether yoongi is still inside. he doesn't know whether he's watching him leave. he doesn't know whether he heard those three words before the phone rang. except he does know. of course yoongi heard. they were sitting across from each other in a quiet restaurant. jeongguk's voice had been clear enough.

jeongguk reaches the pavement and finally stops. his chest is tight. for a moment, he closes his eyes. he thinks about the stage again. his hand in yoongi's hair. the way he'd looked at him with no room left to hide. the way yoongi had held his wrist afterward and asked him what it meant. he'd wanted to be seen. he'd spent months begging, in every way he knew how, for yoongi to understand. now that yoongi finally does, jeongguk is the one running.

"fuck," he whispers.

jeongguk waves down a cab and gets in before he can think about it any further.

yoongi only lets him avoid him for another four days. or, more accurately, jeongguk only gets four days before yoongi decides he's had enough. sometimes jeongguk forgets how assertive yoongi can be.

it happens after the concert in baltimore that august. jeongguk is halfway toward the exit, already thinking about which car he can get into and how quickly he can disappear into it, when fingers close around his wrist. the grip is firmer this time. "follow me."

jeongguk doesn't get a chance to come up with an excuse. yoongi is already walking. he follows because, what else is he supposed to do? yanking his wrist away would make this into exactly the confrontation he's been avoiding, and running now would be pathetic even by his standards.

they leave through the back of the venue, past the staff and security and equipment being loaded into trucks. the moment they step outside, the cold night air hits jeongguk's face. yoongi keeps walking, taking them around to the far side of the stadium, away from the entrances. this side of the building had never been part of the setup, so there are no people here, just the dark concrete wall of the stadium and a narrow stretch of pavement disappearing around the building.

yoongi lets go of his wrist. jeongguk almost misses the contact. "stop running away from me."

jeongguk looks at the ground. "i'm not—"

"don't lie to me, either." the firmness in yoongi's voice makes him look up. there isn't anger on his face, which is worse. instead, yoongi looks tired. his face bare of the stage makeup that had made him look sharper under the lights earlier. the cold has put a little color into his cheeks. "i asked you a question," yoongi says, "you ran away. we're not doing that again."

"hyung—" jeongguk starts.

"no." yoongi shakes his head, cutting jeongguk off. "i want you to be honest with me, jeongguk. what's going on?"

there it is. a way out. jeongguk recognizes it for what it is.

yoongi already knows enough. he has spent the last week putting things together, and whatever conclusion he's reached is probably sitting somewhere behind those eyes. he has heard jeongguk say, i like you—there's no way yoongi didn't hear that. but he's giving jeongguk room to decide what to do with it.

jeongguk thinks about that for a moment. then his attention slips from the conversation, catching on the crease between yoongi's eyebrows, the one that appears when he's being serious and expects an actual answer. his nose is pink from the cold. his lips are pinker than usual, too, and slightly parted while he waits.

jeongguk's mind—which has been doing its best to produce coherent arguments for the last minute—abandons him. he thinks about kissing those lips. that's all. the thought is so simple that it almost feels ridiculous after everything he's been agonizing over.

he wants yoongi. he wants to know what yoongi would do if jeongguk stopped running.

his heart beats harder at the thought, but this time he doesn't look away. he holds yoongi's eyes and whispers, "kiss me."

yoongi doesn't move, doesn't say anything.

jeongguk had thought saying it once would be the hardest part. instead, now that the words are out, he can't seem to stop himself. "kiss me, hyung," he says again, louder this time.

the words are out now. there's no taking them back, no phone call to interrupt them, no restaurant bill he can pay and flee from. they're standing alone behind a venue after midnight, and jeongguk has finally said the one thing he's been too afraid to say.

his chest hurts. he can't tell whether he's terrified or relieved. maybe both.

yoongi's expression changes, but only slightly. the crease between his eyebrows disappears, leaving his face calmer than before. jeongguk can't tell what he's thinking now, only that he's no longer looking at him with the uncertainty he'd had a moment ago. then yoongi says, quietly, "no."

short and simple. no.

it's the answer jeongguk has been afraid of since the moment yoongi caught his wrist in that green room. it's the reason he ran from the car, the reason he spent five days finding every possible excuse to be somewhere else. the thing his brain had managed to forget for a minute while staring at yoongi's mouth.

no.

it hurts.

jeongguk had known rejection before. he'd dated enough people to know what it felt like to hear an answer you didn't want to hear. he'd even prepared himself for this, in theory. somewhere in the back of his mind, he'd always known that years of wanting someone didn't mean they would want him back. knowing that and hearing it are two different things. his eyes burn, the heat gathering behind them before he can blink it away.

jeongguk looks away before yoongi can see the first tear, but it doesn't help. warmth runs down his cheek, and suddenly he's painfully aware of how humiliating this is. he told yoongi he liked him a few days ago. tonight, after spending an entire week avoiding him, he finally got cornered into saying it again, and then, because apparently his self-preservation had completely abandoned him, he asked to be kissed. and now he's crying behind a concert venue. fucking pathetic.

"hey." yoongi's voice is gentle. "jeongguk."

jeongguk can't bear it—the softness in yoongi's voice, the careful way he's saying his name, like jeongguk might break if yoongi speaks too loudly. he doesn't want to be handled carefully because he's embarrassed himself. "no, hyung, it's okay. i'm sorry," he says, wiping at his face with the heel of his hand. "i shouldn't have—"

"you're misunderstanding me." yoongi steps closer and lifts both hands to his face. his thumbs brush beneath jeongguk's eyes, wiping away the tears before they can run farther. the tenderness makes everything worse.

"i understand, hyung," jeongguk says, voice rough now. "you're still trying to move on. i know. i should've given you time. i shouldn't have done what i did on stage back then, or asked you to… to kiss me."

yoongi shakes his head. "i will."

jeongguk stares at him. for a second, he doesn't understand the words. "what?"

yoongi doesn't answer that question right away. instead, he keeps his hands against jeongguk's face and says, "you've been circling around this for months. i just wanted to hear you say it first." he looks at jeongguk for a moment, studying his face with the same patience he's had all night. then, he asks, "do you like me?"

jeongguk laughs bitterly. "i've liked you for years." there isn't much point hiding anymore. he has already asked yoongi to kiss him, and now he's crying in front of him after yoongi said no. whatever dignity he had been trying to preserve died the moment the first tear fell down. "i just didn't know if you liked guys," he continues. "i knew you'd talked about dating girls before. that was all i knew. i didn't know until you dated that chef." he takes a breath. "i've been in love with you for as long as i can remember, hyung." saying it aloud feels strange. it feels lighter than jeongguk expected. heavier too.

yoongi doesn't say anything for a few seconds. his hands move from jeongguk's cheeks, tracing slowly along the sides of his face until his palms rest against his jaw. the touch is warm despite the cold air around them.

jeongguk's breath catches. "hyung..."

yoongi steps closer. he gives jeongguk enough time to understand what he's doing, enough time that jeongguk could move away if he wanted to. their bodies come close. jeongguk's heart is beating so hard that he wonders whether yoongi can feel it. then yoongi tips jeongguk's face downward with one hand, guiding him gently, and turns his own head.

jeongguk closes his eyes.

yoongi kisses him.

it's soft. so soft that for a second jeongguk doesn't quite believe what's happening. just the warmth of yoongi's mouth against his, so, so gentle, like he's giving jeongguk time to understand that he isn't imagining it.

jeongguk forgets to breathe. behind his closed eyes, fireworks bloom across the darkness, bright bursts of color followed by flowers opening in their wake, petals unfolding faster than he can follow. he can't think past the warmth of yoongi's mouth against his.

yoongi pulls back only far enough to breathe. jeongguk opens his eyes, and for once, he doesn't need to ask what it means. "i did it first," yoongi says, his lips brushes against jeongguk's once.

"what?" jeongguk leans back a little farther, enough to see yoongi properly. his face is still warm from crying, his breathing uneven, but his attention keeps returning to yoongi's mouth.  jeongguk can still feel the softness of it against his own, the warmth of yoongi's lips between his, the fuller lower lip yielding slightly beneath the pressure of the kiss. there is still a faint taste of coffee on jeongguk's own lips, left there from yoongi, and the realization sends a strange rush through jeongguk. he wants to lean forward again, press his mouth against yoongi's and feel that softness again, taste the coffee again, find out if the second kiss would feel the same or different. the wanting comes so quickly it leaves him almost dizzy.

"i fell in love with you first," yoongi says. jeongguk stares at him. yoongi's right hand slides lower from his jaw until his fingers rest beneath jeongguk's chin, holding it gently. his thumb moves across jeongguk's lower lip, slow and gentle, brushing over the place yoongi had kissed only moments ago. his other hand stays against jeongguk's jaw. "you were sixteen when i realized i liked you," yoongi starts, "and i didn't want to do anything about it. i couldn't. you were sixteen." yoongi says it plainly—doesn't try to make it sound romantic—as though the age itself should explain everything. "i don't even think you'd figured things out about yourself then. you were still figuring out a lot of things."

jeongguk remembers sixteen differently now. he remembers how much of his life revolved around yoongi without him having a language for why. he remembers wanting to be around him, wanting his attention, finding excuses to sit near him. he remembers the affection he'd once shown without thinking because he hadn't yet learned that there were feelings he was supposed to be careful with.

"then you were seventeen," yoongi continues. "you told us about your first kiss with a guy at school. we all teased you about it. you were embarrassed for about five minutes and then you started telling the story again." a small smile crosses yoongi's face at the memory. "by the time you turned eighteen, i still didn't know what you felt about me. and by then, telling you felt wrong in a different way." his thumb moves lightly against jeongguk's cheek. "i didn't want you to think i'd been waiting for you to become old enough. i didn't want you looking back at everything i'd done when you were younger and wondering if i'd had some intention behind it. i didn't want to put that on you."

jeongguk's heart aches. that is so painfully yoongi. even now, even while confessing that he'd been in love with jeongguk for years, he's still more concerned with whether jeongguk might have felt pressured by something that had never even been spoken aloud.

"and i didn't know whether you liked me," yoongi says. "you were affectionate with me, but you were affectionate with everyone. you followed me around, you came to my studio often enough that i finally gave you the passcode. but i couldn't tell if there was anything more to it."

jeongguk holds yoongi's gaze. "there was."

"i know," yoongi's answer comes softly. "i know now." yoongi's hands remain against his face, holding him there with a kind of quiet care that makes jeongguk's throat tighten again. "then life kept moving," yoongi says. "i started seeing someone. you did too. and after a while, it became easier to leave that part of myself alone." he pauses. "until now."

jeongguk looks at him again. there's no grand explanation for the years between them. not a single convenient moment where everything could have happened if one of them had only been brave enough. they had been young, then they had grown older. other people entered their lives and became important. time kept moving even while whatever had existed between them remained unnamed.

"i didn't stop caring about you," yoongi says. "i just stopped thinking i was going to do anything about it."

jeongguk's eyes sting again, but this time the feeling is different. he lifts one hand and places it over yoongi's wrist. "i thought you didn't— didn't like me like that.

yoongi's thumb brushes once again over jeongguk's lower lip. "i did. i still do now." that might be the cruelest and kindest thing jeongguk has heard all night. 

suddenly, all those years between them look different. yoongi had made his choice once, back when jeongguk was sixteen, and he'd kept himself from saying anything because he knew better than to turn those feelings into a confession then. after that, there had never been a clean moment to start again. jeongguk had grown up without knowing how yoongi felt, yoongi had no idea whether jeongguk would ever want him that way, and by the time either of them might have had a chance to find out, life had already moved in other directions. yoongi met someone. jeongguk tried to do the same, convincing himself he could make himself want someone else because wanting yoongi had nowhere to go.

and then came that night onstage. for the first time, jeongguk had stopped worrying about how obvious he was. he'd pressed his body against yoongi's and looked at him with all the desire he'd spent years forcing himself to keep contained. that night, he looked at yoongi like a man who wanted to kiss him, touch him, have him close, and he let yoongi see it.

that was what finally reached yoongi. the wanting in jeongguk's face, the hunger behind every touch, the way he kept looking at yoongi even after he'd pulled away. for the first time, jeongguk finally gave yoongi enough context to understand what all those smaller things had meant. and now, standing here with one hand against jeongguk's face and the other holding his chin, yoongi is finally telling him what jeongguk had spent years too afraid to ask; yoongi's in love with jeongguk. he fell in love with jeongguk first.

jeongguk's fingers tighten slightly around yoongi's wrist. "so all those years..."

yoongi nods. "yeah." yoongi's hands slide lower slowly, fingers curling on each side of jeongguk's neck. "i should've told you eventually," he says.

"but the chef… you were in a relationship with him for five years. you were in love with him."

"yeah," yoongi says. there is no hesitation in it. "i loved him for the whole five years. that relationship wasn't fake, jeongguk. i wasn't with him while secretly waiting for it to end so i could be with you."

jeongguk stays quiet. he doesn't know what he expected to hear, but hearing yoongi say it so plainly makes the five years feel more real rather than less. he had never wanted yoongi to lie about loving someone else. he'd only wanted to know whether loving someone else had meant there was never room for him.

"but loving him was never the same as what i feel for you." yoongi's thumb moves once against the side of jeongguk's neck. "and that's the part i've had trouble explaining, even to myself. because i could love him and still think about you. i could be happy with him and still have days where i wanted you so badly that i felt guilty for even having the thought."

jeongguk's fingers tighten around his wrist.

"i felt guilty toward him because he deserved someone who wasn't comparing what he had to a person who wasn't even in the relationship. and i felt guilty toward you because every time those feelings came back, i knew i'd buried them instead of dealing with them." yoongi pauses. "i thought i'd made the right choice when i let them go. i thought that was what i was supposed to do."

there is a part of jeongguk that wants to ask how long yoongi had been carrying that guilt, how many times he'd thought about him and then pushed the thought away. "but then you broke up," jeongguk says.

yoongi nods. "yeah."

"and you were hurt."

"of course i was." yoongi makes no attempt to minimize it. "five years doesn't disappear because a relationship ends. i lost someone i loved. i lost the life i'd built around him."

jeongguk looks down briefly. he understands that part. five years is too long to erase just because the relationship ended, and he doesn't want yoongi to pretend otherwise for his sake. the fact that yoongi is saying all of this plainly makes the confession feel more honest.

"and i was trying to move on," yoongi continues. "when everyone asked me about it, i was still trying to figure out how to live without him. remember what jimin asked me? why i didn't try to fix it?"

jeongguk nods, he remembers.

"i didn't have an answer then. i think i do now." yoongi's fingers shift against his neck. "it wasn't because i didn't care enough. and it wasn't because i thought i was too good to ask him to stay. i just… didn't feel like i needed to fight to keep the relationship alive." he takes a breath. "and that scared me, because five years should have made me want to fight harder than that. but maybe part of me already knew why." yoongi looks at him. "when the relationship ended, i didn't have to keep forcing myself not to think about you. there was no one i was betraying by admitting that i still wanted you. i could finally let myself remember what it felt like to want you without immediately telling myself i had no right to feel it."

jeongguk's breath catches.

"and i realized it was still there," yoongi says. "after all those years, it was still there." his voice drops slightly. "i thought i'd buried it so deeply that it was gone. turns out i had just gotten very good at living without touching it." he pauses, then adds, "the breakup hurt. but losing him also gave me the first real chance i'd had in years to ask myself what i actually wanted. and when i did, you were still there."

jeongguk's eyes sting, but he doesn't look away this time. still there. after everything that had happened between them, after all the years and the other relationships and all the ways they'd both tried to move on, yoongi had looked at his own life and somehow still found jeongguk standing at the center of the question.

"and then that night, i could feel you looking at me differently. like you wanted me." yoongi's voice drops. "i finally had an answer to the question i'd been carrying all those years. i knew there was more behind all of it. i knew you weren't just being affectionate because that's how you've always been with me."

that is the part jeongguk still can't quite believe: that yoongi had understood him from one look. jeongguk had spent years carrying all that wanting inside him, turning it into coffee and gifts and excuses to sit beside yoongi because he couldn't say what he actually wanted. then, for a few seconds on that stage, all of it had risen to the surface and found its way into his eyes: years of desire, yearning, the hunger he'd never let himself show. yoongi had seen it there, plain enough to finally understand what jeongguk had been trying to tell him without words.

one look had given yoongi the missing piece.

"i was already trying to move on from him. but for the first time after that night, i believed i might actually have somewhere else to go."

jeongguk leans closer, wrapping his hands around yoongi's waist. "i've wanted you for just as long, hyung," he says. "i just tried to move on differently. after i found out you were with him, i kept getting involved with other people, trying to want them enough that i wouldn't have to keep wanting you." his thumbs trace absentminded patterns over yoongi's waist.

yoongi doesn't interrupt. his hands stay where they are, keeping jeongguk close while he waits for him to finish.

"it never worked," jeongguk continues. one of them got really messy, too. you know that." there's no embarrassment in his voice when he says it now, only the honesty of finally admitting what he'd known for years. "i kept trying to build something that could make me forget you, and i couldn't." jeongguk closes his eyes for a moment. "because it was always you, hyung." he opens his eyes to look at yoongi again. "it is always you."

yoongi's hands move back to cradle jeongguk's jaw. when he kisses him again, there is no hesitation in the way he closes the distance, no careful pause before his mouth meets jeongguk's. his lips are warm and soft against his own, familiar now in a way that still feels almost impossible, and jeongguk can feel the difference immediately. yoongi isn't asking anymore. neither of them is waiting to see what this means. he is simply kissing jeongguk, and after all those years of wanting him, the certainty of it leaves jeongguk almost dizzy.

"we've been so stupid, hyung," jeongguk says when they part again.

yoongi's mouth is still close to his when he answers, voice quiet against the cold air between them. "i know, baby."

jeongguk's heart skips a beat. baby. he's called another man that before. he's been called it himself, heard it thrown around casually enough that it should mean almost nothing. but hearing it from yoongi makes the word feel completely different, intimate in a way jeongguk isn't prepared for, especially coming from the man whose mouth he's just kissed and whose love he's spent years wanting.

"don't say that," he says, and it comes out with the faintest whine, the exact tone yoongi has always been able to pull from him without trying.

yoongi's mouth curves into a smile. jeongguk kisses him again, deeper this time. yoongi's hands slide from his jaw to the back of his neck, fingers catching lightly in his hair, and the touch sends a warm shiver down jeongguk's spine. he feels the shape of yoongi's mouth beneath his own, the softness of his lower lip when jeongguk catches it between his teeth for half a second before easing off.

fuck.

he could get addicted to this. he's already starting to.

jeongguk's hands move up from yoongi's waist, stopping at his shoulders. he wants more. the thought comes without embarrassment now. he wants to kiss him until his lips are swollen, wants to feel yoongi's hands on his bare skin, wants to find out what yoongi looks like when he's flushed for reasons that have nothing to do with the cold, what his voice sounds like when he's breathing hard against jeongguk's mouth, when he's lying under jeongguk. it makes him dizzy.

yoongi pulls back enough to breathe. jeongguk follows him for a fraction of a second before catching himself. 

he looks at yoongi for a moment, then asks, "so... we're good?"

yoongi nods. "we are."

jeongguk hesitates. "so we're good like..." he searches for the words, then gives up trying to make them sound less obvious. "like we're good, and we're together now?"

yoongi's hand comes up, tucking a strand of hair away from jeongguk's forehead. "if that's what you want."

"i want it. i've wanted it for so long, hyung."

yoongi's thumb brushes lightly along his temple. "then we're together now."

the word hits jeongguk harder than he expects. together. he looks at yoongi, trying to take in the fact that this is what they are now, after all those years of wanting and waiting and never knowing if he would ever be allowed to have him. his eyes sting again, but he smiles through it. "okay," he says.

yoongi looks at him for a moment before his hand comes up to the back of jeongguk's neck. jeongguk feels the gentle pressure of yoongi's hands guiding him down, and then yoongi's lips press against the space between his brows, warm against skin still cold from the night. "baby," yoongi murmurs against his skin, before kissing his temple once again.

a soft sound slips out of jeongguk before he can stop it. he lowers his head until his forehead rests against yoongi's shoulder, breathing him in as yoongi's arms come around him and hold him close. they stay like that for a few more seconds, neither of them saying anything.

eventually, yoongi pulls back. "now, let's go back to the hotel," yoongi says. "it's fucking cold here."

jeongguk laughs. he looks at yoongi once again and realizes he doesn't have to ask for anything else tonight. yoongi chose him. he has yoongi now. that's enough. "let's go, hyung."

they sit too close together in the backseat of the car. jeongguk knows there is technically enough room for both of them to sit without their thighs touching, but neither of them seems interested in making use of it. his knee stays against yoongi's, their shoulders brush whenever the car turns, and every few minutes jeongguk catches himself looking at yoongi again.

jeongguk can't stop. he keeps looking at yoongi as if there is still a part of him waiting for the night to change its mind. maybe that's what ten years of wanting someone does to you. even after the answer finally comes, the wanting doesn't know how to stop bracing for the moment when it will be taken away.

ten years. maybe more.

jeongguk can still remember being young enough that loving yoongi felt like a private fact he didn't have the language for yet. somewhere along the way, it became the longest-running certainty of his life. he dated other people, tried to build feelings where he knew there was no future with the person he actually wanted, but he never stopped loving yoongi. he had only gotten better at arranging his life around the fact that he couldn't have him.

now, jeongguk can look at yoongi as much as he wants. he can want him without having to turn it into an excuse, or a joke. he can wake up tomorrow and still know what happened tonight, without having to convince himself that the kisses meant less than they did. and yoongi loves him back. that is still the part jeongguk can't quite fit into his head. yoongi has loved him for years too, in every way that had been possible. as his friend, as someone he had made room for in his life, as family. now there is another kind of love sitting underneath all of that, one that had apparently been there long before jeongguk knew what to do with his own.

he thinks about what yoongi told him about the breakup. five years had mattered. yoongi had loved that man, and the end of it had hurt. jeongguk doesn't need to pretend otherwise to feel secure about tonight. if anything, knowing the truth makes him more certain. yoongi isn't here because he needs someone to fill the space his ex left behind. he isn't grabbing onto the first person who makes being alone less painful. he is here because, when the relationship finally ended, he looked at what he had spent years refusing to want and found jeongguk waiting there.

maybe that's what all those years have been.

too many turns taken in the wrong direction, too many times they had arrived at the same feeling and decided they weren't allowed to follow it. they had spent so long finding reasons to walk around each other that jeongguk still can't believe they've finally stopped.

yoongi catches him looking, and jeongguk doesn't look away. a smile spreads slowly across yoongi's face, and jeongguk smiles back. neither of them says anything. there isn't much left to explain tonight.

the car pulls up outside the hotel, and they get out together. they walk through the quiet lobby toward the elevators, and jeongguk's mind keeps returning to the same fact: yoongi is here, and he chose to be here with him. when they reach the elevator, jeongguk slips his hand into yoongi's. their fingers fit together easily. yoongi's thumb brushes once over the side of his hand as the elevator climbs.

the moment they step inside, jeongguk closes the door behind them and slips his key card into the slot beside the entrance. the lights come on, followed by the quiet hum of the air conditioning. it takes him a second to register what feels different about the room. he isn't walking into it alone. there won't be some stranger asleep beside him later, someone whose name he might barely remember by morning, another night he'd filed away because it was easier than thinking about the person he actually wanted, because yoongi is here.

the realization goes straight through jeongguk. he closes the door, turns back to yoongi, and grabs him by the waist. he guides yoongi against the wall and kiss him. this one is different from the kisses outside. deeper, less careful. yoongi makes a startled sound against his mouth, and the little noise sends a rush of heat through jeongguk. he brings one hand up to yoongi's jaw, tilting his face so he can kiss him properly, lingering over the shape and warmth of his mouth as their lips move together.

when they part, yoongi's lips are already swollen.

"you're here, hyung," jeongguk says, slightly breathless himself.

yoongi looks at him, his hand coming up to rest against jeongguk's chest. "i am."

jeongguk laughs softly, still looking at his mouth. "i don't think you understand how long i've wanted to do that."

yoongi's thumb moves once against his shirt. "i think i've got a pretty good idea."

that makes jeongguk smile. he leans in again, slower this time, brushing his mouth over yoongi's before kissing him properly. the urgency has eased, but the wanting hasn't. having yoongi here makes it harder to remember all the years when he couldn't touch him. his hand slides from yoongi's jaw to the side of his neck, feeling the warmth of his skin beneath his fingertips. "you're really here," he says again, quieter this time, after they part for the second time.

yoongi's fingers curl lightly into the front of his shirt. "i'm here, baby."

jeongguk closes his eyes for a second and presses his forehead to yoongi's.

yoongi lets him have his moment for a while. after seconds—maybe minutes—pass, yoongi pulls his head back and looks at jeongguk with a grin. "we've been kissing too much," he starts. "we haven't had a chance to shower earlier at the venue. how about we shower, hm?" yoongi suggests.

and. oh.

jeongguk feels heat crawl over his body. shower. with yoongi. after spending the last several hours finally saying all the things they'd kept buried for years, after kissing him until his lips are already tender, there is no way jeongguk's brain is going to hear that as a purely practical suggestion. judging by the the way yoongi looks amused, yoongi knows exactly where jeongguk's mind has gone. "i'm literally suggesting a shower," yoongi says.

"yeah, but we can do more in the show—"

yoongi puts a hand against his chest and pushes him back just enough to stop him. "shower," he says, with enough emphasis to make the meaning perfectly clear. then he turns and walks into the bathroom.

jeongguk stares at him for a second before following yoongi to the bathroom, his body still warm from the thought yoongi had put into his head.

yoongi is already pulling his shirt over his head when jeongguk steps into the bathroom. they've showered together before. plenty of times, actually, back when their schedules were so packed that waiting for seven people to take turns in the old dorm's single bathroom was impossible. there had never been anything strange about it. they knew how to turn their backs when they needed to, how to give each other whatever privacy was possible in a cramped bathroom with five other people waiting outside. jeongguk has seen yoongi naked before. yoongi has seen him naked too.

but it's different now.

yoongi's shirt comes off, leaving his chest bare and flushed from the heat of their kissing, the skin still carrying a faint pinkness from the cold outside. jeongguk's eyes drop before he can stop them, taking in the familiar lines of his body with a completely different awareness than he's ever allowed himself to have.

this is yoongi. the same person jeongguk has showered beside countless times without thinking twice. except now they're together. and jeongguk has spent years wanting him.

yoongi catches him staring. "don't."

"hyung..." jeongguk starts, and the complaint comes out embarrassingly close to a whine. "you can't just expect me to be normal about this. we've been kissing, we're together now, you called me baby, and then you invited me to shower with you. you know what that does to me."

for a second, yoongi only looks at him. then he grins. "i know."

jeongguk stares at him. shit. so yoongi is like this. he can tease. after all these years of thinking he knew every version of yoongi there was to know, jeongguk has apparently just discovered another one.

"come on. shower," yoongi says. he steps closer and reaches for the hem of jeongguk's shirt, tugging it upward before jeongguk can say anything else. the fabric catches around his arms, and jeongguk lets yoongi pull it over his head, suddenly far too aware of the fact that they're both standing shirtless in the bathroom with the shower waiting behind them.

this is going to be a long night.

yoongi throws jeongguk's shirt to the floor. then his hands move slowly down jeongguk's sides, his palms warm against his skin. he keeps going until his fingers reach the waistband of jeongguk's sweatpants, then stops. yoongi doesn't undo anything, he doesn't even tug at it. he just leaves his hands there, looking up at jeongguk with that small, knowing smile, waiting to see what jeongguk will do. then yoongi leans in slowly to kiss jeongguk, one hand still resting warm against the side of his waist while the other drifts lower between them. his palm settles against jeongguk through the fabric of his sweatpants, and he palms him.

"fuck," jeongguk gasps into the kiss. and that's it. jeongguk's composure finally gives out.

jeongguk doesn't give yoongi time to process what he's doing. he grabs yoongi's wrists and moves his hands away, then reaches for the hem of his own sweatpants. yoongi watches him, the teasing smile finally disappearing as jeongguk pulls his sweatpants and underwear down, and steps out of them. he turns back to yoongi and moves his hands to the waistband of yoongi's pants, pulling them down too along with his underwear until they're both standing there naked, both already half-hard from the kiss earlier.

jeongguk doesn't give him time to say anything. he pushes yoongi backwards, hands firm on both of his shoulders as he guides yoongi toward the shower. he reaches past yoongi to turn on the water, holding his hand beneath the stream until it warms up, then turns back and pulls yoongi under with him.

the water hits them both at once. it runs through yoongi's hair, darkening it and flattening the strands against his forehead. drops gather along his lashes and track down his cheeks, disappearing along his jaw. he's so fucking pretty. jeongguk leans in to kiss the spot under yoongi's ear, making him shiver. "wanna make you feel good, hyung," he whispers into yoongi's ear. "can i?"

"yes, baby. yes."

jeongguk gets a few pumps of soap from the dispenser, rubbing it between his palms before spreading the lather over yoongi's chest, then down over his stomach. yoongi's body arches toward him with a small gasp, and the movement makes him brush against jeongguk's body. jeongguk wastes no time. he wraps his hand, slick with soap, around yoongi's cock.

yoongi's forehead falls against jeongguk's shoulder as he lets out a moan. "ah—" 

jeongguk's own breath shudders faintly at the sound of yoongi's moan.

"yeah, that's it," jeongguk murmurs. he starts stroking yoongi slowly. 

yoongi grips jeongguk tightly, holding on to him with his forehead pressed against jeongguk's shoulder. jeongguk's hand keeps moving slow and lazy around yoongi's cock.

"jeongguk," yoongi says his name against his shoulder, the word breaking apart in a low, wrecked moan. it makes jeongguk tighten his grip around yoongi. yoongi twists against him with another moan as jeongguk's hand moves with more pressure.

jeongguk pull his upper body back just enough to look at yoongi, one hand still stroking his cock. yoongi's eyes are half-lidded, his chest flushed all the way up to his neck. his lips are parted, his breathing losing its rhythm as he tries to catch it again. his hands tighten against jeongguk's back, short nails pressing into his skin hard enough that jeongguk feels every point of pressure. jeongguk is dizzy, so dizzy he can barely keep his thoughts in order.

desire burns through him, intensified by the heat of yoongi's cock in his hand and every broken sound that leaves yoongi's mouth. he wants to wreck yoongi. he wants to leave yoongi breathless and shaking, wants to see exactly how far he can push him now that yoongi is finally his to want back. 

jeongguk twists his wrist subtly on the upward stroke, his thumb slides slowly through the slick precome gathering at the tip. yoongi's cock twitches hard in jeongguk's hand while another slow bead of precome spills out.

jeongguk groans low in his throat. "shit, hyung. that feels good, huh?"

"yeah, baby. feels so good." he slides one hand into jeongguk's hair and keeps him close, his head drops forward against jeongguk's shoulder again. jeongguk can feel yoongi's body tense with the pleasure building through him. "ah, ah— jeongguk."

jeongguk does it again—that specific twist of his hand—wrist turning just right near the tip while his fingers tighten slightly on the downward stroke. yoongi moans louder.

"you sound so pretty, hyung," jeongguk says, he can hear his voice roughening now. 

yoongi's breathing is completely uneven now while jeongguk keeps stroking him through every twitch and moan. "baby," he pants. "you're gonna make me— you're gonna— fuck."

jeongguk twists his hand again, and yoongi's whole body jerks. "yeah? you close, hyung?"

"uh-uh. i'm close, baby. so close," yoongi's head tips back, exposing his neck, eyes squeezed shut now. his precome slicks steadily along jeongguk's fingers. jeongguk leans forward and kisses along yoongi's jaw and neck while keeping his hand moving faster now, listening to every broken breath and soft moan that escapes yoongi.

jeongguk rubs his thumb over the tip again, and yoongi's hips twitch upward involuntarily into jeongguk's hand, his fingers tighten in jeongguk's hair. he watches yoongi's composure fall apart, his own gaze fixed on every change in yoongi's face. jeongguk wants him so badly it almost hurts. his thumb still catches over the sensitive tip every upward stroke until yoongi's moans start spilling out more.

jeongguk feels the exact second yoongi tips fully toward the edge.

"please, baby. wanna come, ah— jeongguk, please." 

jeongguk has heard yoongi say his name a thousand times, but never like this, never with his voice stripped down to a plea meant only for him. it's intoxicating. jeongguk changes his grip and rhythm, tighter on the upward drag, thumb pressing just right over the sensitive tip before twisting lightly back down again. he quickens his strokes.

yoongi outright cries out. his hips buck hard into jeongguk hand before he catches himself too late this time, breath shuddering violently through him while his fingers clutch helplessly at jeongguk's hair and shoulder both.

"come for me, hyung."

a broken moan tears from yoongi, louder than anything else so far, hips jerking helplessly while orgasm crashes through him hard enough his entire body trembles.

jeongguk keeps stroking him through it, gentler now, listening to yoongi's breathless ah, ah sounds while warmth spills across jeongguk's palm. his chest rising in uneven gasps while his cock throbs, flushed deep red in jeongguk's slick hand. jeongguk slows, soothing strokes replacing desperate ones. he stops immediately once he feels yoongi getting too sensitive.

jeongguk rinses his hand beneath the stream, letting the warm water wash away the slickness from his palm and fingers. then he wraps both arms around yoongi, pulling him close again, and rests his cheek against yoongi's damp hair. he holds him there beneath the water, feeling yoongi's breathing slowly begin to even out. "love you, hyung."

yoongi only lets out a small, tired sound, but jeongguk can hear the love in it. he can feel it, too, in the way yoongi's hands tighten around him, holding him a little closer beneath the warm water.

yeah. jeongguk could get used to this.

yoongi is still breathing unevenly when jeongguk pulls back to reach for the shampoo. yoongi looks flushed all the way up his cheeks now, hair plastered to his forehead by the water, and for once he doesn't seem interested in doing anything except staying close.

"come here," jeongguk murmurs. he guides yoongi a little closer beneath the stream and works shampoo into his hair, fingers moving gently over his scalp. yoongi's eyes close almost immediately. every so often his head tips into jeongguk's hand, still a little unsteady from the high of his orgasm.

jeongguk rinses yoongi's hair carefully, making sure none of the shampoo is left behind, then reaches for the body wash. he works it over yoongi's shoulders and down his back, taking his time with the places yoongi can't easily reach himself. yoongi barely moves except to turn when jeongguk guides him, letting himself be looked after.

yoongi stays against him for another few seconds, his breathing gradually evening out. when he finally lifts his head, he looks tired, but his eyes are clear again. jeongguk lets him turn him beneath the water. yoongi works the shampoo into jeongguk's hair, fingers scratching gently over his scalp before rinsing it out, then reaches for the soap and runs it over jeongguk's shoulders and chest. there's still a little fatigue in the way he moves, but he doesn't seem bothered by it. if anything, he looks calmer now. after, yoongi rinses the last of the shampoo and soap from his skin, running his hands over jeongguk's shoulders once to make sure there's nothing left behind. then he reaches past him and turns off the water.

the sudden quiet makes jeongguk realize how long they've been standing there. steam has fogged the mirror across the enormous bathroom, and when he lifts his hands, the skin on his fingers is still pruney from being under the water for so long. he flexes them once, watching the creases shift across his fingertips.

yoongi lifts his own hands, looking at his fingers too. "we've been in here forever."

"yeah."

then yoongi looks down. jeongguk follows his gaze and immediately knows what he's looking at. "you're still hard," yoongi says.

"it's fine," he says. yoongi reaches for him anyway. jeongguk catches his wrist gently before yoongi can wrap his hand around him. "hyung, really. it's okay. you're tired."

yoongi looks at him for a moment, then properly at him, like he's trying to figure out why jeongguk is still holding himself back. "hey," he says quietly. "i'm here, right? you can have me, baby."

jeongguk realizes, all at once, that he'd forgotten. not that yoongi was his, exactly, but that he was finally allowed to want him without stopping himself halfway through. he doesn't have to wait for the moment to end. he doesn't have to be satisfied with whatever yoongi is willing to give him and call that enough.

oh.

"yeah?" jeongguk asks, stumbling over the words, "you'll let me? you mean— you'll—?"

"yes." yoongi leans in and presses a soft kiss to the corner of jeongguk's mouth. "if you want. you can have me in any way you want." there is no teasing in yoongi's face now, no uncertainty about what he's offering. "i'll let you, because i want you to."

there is no room left for jeongguk to pretend yoongi is only letting him get carried away. he's asking and offering at the same time. clearly. on purpose.

jeongguk pulls yoongi out of the shower and grabs a towel from the rack, barely bothering to dry himself as he runs it over yoongi first, quick and impatient, before rubbing it over his own hair and shoulders. he grabs another couple of towels on the way out, wrapping one around yoongi as he pulls him along.

they're still several steps from the bedroom, crossing through the spacious suite, but jeongguk barely notices. he's already impatient to get there, one hand firm around yoongi's wrist, the other keeping the towel from slipping off his shoulders as he practically hauls him toward the bedroom.

in the bedroom, jeongguk lays one towel over the pillow and another across the mattress.

"what a gentleman," yoongi teases.

jeongguk doesn't answer. he's too far gone for that now. yoongi told him he could have him, and jeongguk is still hearing it in his head. "lie down, hyung."

yoongi does. he lies back on the towels, looking straight at jeongguk. he bends his knees, planting both feet on the mattress, then slowly spreads his legs. jeongguk stares. fuck. yoongi is just lying there, waiting for him. naked, flushed from the shower, looking at jeongguk like he already knows exactly what this does to him.

jeongguk's mouth goes dry. he's wanted to see yoongi like this for so long that actually getting the sight feels almost unreal, except there's nothing imagined about it now. yoongi is right there, open in front of him, waiting for him.

jeongguk turns away before he can stare himself stupid and reaches for his bag. he digs through it until he finds the small bottle of lube and condom he keeps there, pulls them out, and turns back toward the bed.

"prepared?" yoongi asks, a little amused.

"i've been hoping," jeongguk says.

yoongi's smile grows. "of course you have."

jeongguk climbs onto the bed, settling between yoongi's legs and sitting back on his heels. he runs a palm slowly along the inside of yoongi's thigh. "you're so pretty, hyung," jeongguk says.

yoongi shivers at the touch, a quiet moan slipping from him as his thighs tighten slightly. jeongguk's eyes drop, and the sight of yoongi's cock twitching makes heat rush through him. 

fuck.

jeongguk barely did anything. his hand is only resting against yoongi's thigh, and already yoongi's body is reacting to him. jeongguk looks back at his face, suddenly far too aware of how little it takes to get a response from him. he's going to lose his fucking mind.

jeongguk squirts lube into his palm, before moving closer, settling between yoongi's legs until there's barely any space left between them. one hand comes to rest on yoongi's waist, rubbing slow circles over his skin while jeongguk gets the lube ready with the other. "okay?"

yoongi nods. "yeah."

jeongguk keeps one hand moving over yoongi's waist, giving him a few more seconds to relax before he starts. he brings one slick finger to the tight ring of muscle, circles it there first, pressing just enough to feel the give without pushing in right away. yoongi squirms underneath him, a soft "ah" slipping from his mouth.

slowly, jeongguk presses his finger inside until the first knuckle. "still okay?"

"yeah, baby. keep going."

god. there it is again. jeongguk still can't get used to hearing yoongi call him baby. not like this, with his voice all breathless and wrecked. especially when jeongguk is the one who put that sound there. he presses his finger in deeper and deeper, until his finger slides all the way in. yoongi is so fucking tight and warm and just so fucking good around him. he pulls his finger out, before pushing it back in slowly. yoongi keeps shifting restlessly beneath him while jeongguk carefully thrusts his finger in and out, preparing him slowly.

every few strokes jeongguk pauses, letting the muscle flutter and settle before moving again. yoongi's body stays relaxed under his palm, hips shifting only slightly as the finger sinks further each time. jeongguk watches the way yoongi opens for him, adding a little more lube to keep everything smooth. "you're taking it so well, hyung," he murmurs.

"baby—" yoongi keeps moaning as jeongguk's finger moves inside him, curling just enough to brush against sensitive spots without rushing. jeongguk keeps the pace unhurried, drawing it out so yoongi can feel every slow drag and push. he twists his wrist gently, stretching the rim with small movements that make yoongi breathe heavier. the finger slides almost all the way out before sinking back in, repeating the motion until yoongi's body starts to loosen around it. jeongguk feels the ring relax, the muscle giving way more easily now.

after a while, jeongguk reaches for the lube again with his free hand, keeping the first finger inside yoongi as he uncaps it one-handed. a small amount of lube drips onto his other fingers, and he rubs them together to warm it before bringing them close. "gonna add another, hyung." he lines up the second finger beside the first and presses both in together, slow enough so yoongi has time to adjust fully before the stretch settles properly. then, jeongguk spreads his fingers inside, crooks them carefully.

yoongi jerks sharply beneath him. "ah— ah—!" precome spills from yoongi's cock. shit. shit.

"fuck. there, hyung? there?" jeongguk asks, voice rougher now.

yoongi exhales another shaky breath while jeongguk repeats the movement carefully. "ah, jeongguk, baby—" 

jeongguk keeps going. yoongi keeps moaning now, jerking beneath his hand every time jeongguk presses his fingers deep. jeongguk's movements get a little less careful, a little faster. "you make the prettiest sounds for me, hyung." jeongguk mutters.

yoongi's fingers clamp down hard on the sheets. his other hand comes up over his eyes, and jeongguk's breath catches at the sight. yoongi's chest is damp with sweat, skin flushed from the heat, his breathing coming faster and harder. his gaze drops lower and catches the steady slickness gathering at the tip of yoongi's cock.

and god. jeongguk can't take much more of this. watching yoongi twist and arch beneath him, hearing every broken sound he makes, only makes the pressure building in jeongguk worse. he's been hard for so long that there's a dull ache starting to build, and every reaction from yoongi makes the heat in his body climb higher. he doesn't want to rush him. he wants to take his time, wants to make sure yoongi is ready. but fuck, it's getting harder to think about anything except how badly he wants to be inside him.

another broken sound leaves yoongi, and jeongguk has to drag in a slow breath. "hyung, are you— fuck. you ready?" jeongguk asks, still trying to keep his voice under control. "please. i can't— want you, hyung. need you so fucking bad. can i?" the words come out faster than he can think them through. he's been trying to be patient, trying to pay attention to yoongi, but his own body is making that harder and harder.

yoongi looks at him, breathing just as hard, his eyes already half-lidded. "yeah, baby. you can," yoongi says, voice rough and breathless.

jeongguk lets out a shaky breath and pulls his fingers free. by the time he gets the condom open and puts it on, his hands are already unsteady, the simple act making him shiver after being hard for so long. he shifts closer between yoongi's legs, bracing one hand against the mattress as he leans down to kiss yoongi once. then, he reaches down to grip the base of his cock to guide himself in.

the first push in nearly knocks the breath from both of them.

yoongi's eyes squeeze shut, and jeongguk makes a rough sound before he can stop himself. it comes out harsher than he expects, almost a gasp, and he drags in a long breath, trying to ground himself, forcing his body to slow down so he doesn't accidentally move too fast. he bottoms out carefully, his forehead drops briefly against yoongi's, both of them breathing unevenly from the sensation.

"god, hyung," jeongguk pants. his whole body feels tight with it, heat running through him until he can barely think straight, because yoongi feels so fucking good around him. so tight and warm. he has to breathe through his mouth, forehead still against yoongi's, and his thoughts are already reduced to the same few things repeating over and over. so good. want more. want him. he can't seem to get past them. "so good around me. wanna move, hyung. want you—"

yoongi nods. "you can move, baby." his hand slides into jeongguk's hair, fingers curling around the strands at the back of his head. the grip tightens when he breathes, and jeongguk can feel the slight tremble in his hand.

when jeongguk finally moves again, it's slow. just a shallow pull back before pressing in again carefully enough to make both of them exhale at the sensation. jeongguk kisses yoongi once again, swallowing yoongi's moans. his hips begin finding a rhythm carefully between them, fucking yoongi deep and steady. after a few thrusts, jeongguk pulls back slightly, shifting his hips before driving forward again at a slightly different angle.

yoongi suddenly clenches around him, and jeongguk jolts at the sensation, his breath catching as his hips push deeper into yoongi before he can stop them. the movement comes out harder than he means it to. jeongguk pulls back at once, staring down at yoongi's face. "shit. i'm sorry. you okay, hyung?"

"there," yoongi gasps. "jeongguk. fuck. you hit the spot."

fuck. 

so he found it.

the thought sends a rush through jeongguk, sharp enough that whatever control he'd been trying to keep over himself starts slipping. he knows now that he can make yoongi sound like that, and suddenly he wants to hear it again. "lemme—" jeongguk rearranges yoongi's legs, pushing them wider and higher so he can angle himself better. he knows what he's looking for now. he adjusts his hips until he finds the same spot again, then starts thrusting.

"ah!" yoongi's whole body jerks beneath jeongguk. 

he groans low at the reaction, getting more worked up from every sound now. "that's it, right?"

yoongi nods. jeongguk thrusts again, pace quickening now, aiming for the same spot. yoongi turns his head to one side, cheek pressing into the towel-covered pillow, another helpless moan leaving him as his fingers curl tightly around the edge of the pillow. jeongguk watches the way his grip tightens, the knuckles going pale against the fabric, and his own hands tighten around yoongi's thighs.

"you feel so good like this, hyung," jeongguk says breathlessly. "so fucking pretty for me."

another deep thrust, yoongi moans louder. "ah… ah…" that's all yoongi can manage now, breathless sounds spilling freely between uneven breaths. precome keeps leaking from yoongi's untouched cock between them, streaking across his stomach as jeongguk keeps moving. the rhythm starts slipping out of jeongguk's control, his movements getting faster and less measured without him meaning for them to. he catches himself, tries to slow down, but another sound from yoongi makes it harder to hold back.

jeongguk looks down at him. yoongi's face is flushed, his mouth open around every broken sound, his body tightening around jeongguk whenever he finds that spot. yoongi isn't trying to hide anything anymore—he's just there, taking whatever jeongguk gives him. "mine," he breathes.

yoongi's eyes open, finding his.

jeongguk's grip tightens on his thigh. "mine, now."

yoongi brings both hands up to jeongguk's face, cradling his jaws as jeongguk keeps thrusting. "yours."

the word wipes everything else out of jeongguk's head. yours. he looks at yoongi and all he can think is that he wants his mouth on him, wants his skin carrying proof that he'd been here. his thoughts don't get any further than that before he bends down and catches the side of yoongi's neck between his lips, sucking hard enough to leave a mark. he stays there for a moment, then moves lower, leaving another mark where he can reach it.

"jeongguk—"

"yeah," jeongguk groans. "keep saying my name like that," he pants. "you're mine now, hyung. fuck."

the towels rustle beneath them, the bed creaking softly. jeongguk kisses him between thrusts, messy and breathless. his breath keeps catching, his hips starting to lose the pace he'd been trying to hold onto. he's close now—too close. every time yoongi clenches around his cock, the pressure in jeongguk's body tightens another notch, and jeongguk knows he's not going to last much longer.

jeongguk pulls back slightly, shifting his knees against the mattress to brace himself. he folds yoongi's legs up against yoongi's body, his hands sliding underneath yoongi's thighs as he adjusts them higher. "hold them, hyung. come on."

yoongi does, keeping his legs where jeongguk puts them. jeongguk settles his hands against the mattress beneath yoongi's thighs, using them to brace his weight as yoongi's legs rest across his forearms. then he thrusts in again.

"ah—!" the sound tears out of yoongi, loud and wrecked, while his hands clutch helplessly at the backs of his knees. yoongi's back arches off the towels.

jeongguk groans low at the reaction, losing composure harder as he keeps driving his cock faster and harder into yoongi. yoongi's whole body jerks again from jeongguk's uncontrolled thrusts, another loud moan tearing out of him while jeongguk keeps him held open beneath him, precome spilling messily down his cock.

one of yoongi's hands loses its grip from the back of his knee. he moves it to clutch tighter into the towels again, and jeongguk can feel how close yoongi is now, from the way his body keeps clenching around jeongguk's cock with every thrust. "gonna come again, hyung?" jeongguk asks, "gonna come from my cock, huh? already made you come with my hand, now you're gonna come with my cock."

yoongi clenches hard around him at the words alone. "jeongguk—!"

jeongguk's already losing rhythm from how wrecked yoongi sounds beneath him when yoongi grabs weakly at his wrist and breathes out: "touch me, baby— ah— i'm close. so close. please." the words come broken apart by moans, desperate enough that jeongguk groans under his breath.

jeongguk slides one hand between them and wraps it around yoongi's cock. the second jeongguk starts moving his hand in time with his thrusts, yoongi falls apart harder. he whines softly when jeongguk's thumb brushes just right. jeongguk's head spins. the combination of yoongi moaning openly under him, and the way he keeps tightening around him every time jeongguk thrusts deeper is driving him completely insane.

"that's it," jeongguk says. "come for me, hyung. let me see it."

yoongi comes hard with a wrecked cry. his whole body tenses beneath jeongguk, then arches hard, twisting with the force of the pleasure. jeongguk slows his thrusts for a moment, pulling his hand away from yoongi's cock so he can use it to hold yoongi against the mattress as his body shakes through the peak of his orgasm. yoongi lets out another loud moan, his back still bowed beneath jeongguk before he slowly starts to come back down.

seeing and feeling yoongi come apart around him that hard absolutely destroys jeongguk. his pace starts quickening again, turning rough and desperate while he chases his own release now, overwhelmed by the sight beneath him: yoongi is flushed pink everywhere now, still moaning softly through aftershocks, hole fluttering weakly around jeongguk.

it's too much. way too fucking much.

jeongguk groans low before finally breaking apart himself, body tensing hard over yoongi's while he rides through his orgasm with uneven thrusts. he buries his face against yoongi's neck with a broken groan, hips stuttering helplessly while warmth and pleasure hit all at once hard enough to leave him briefly dizzy.

when he finally has enough strength to move, jeongguk slowly lowers yoongi's legs, easing them back down onto the mattress before shifting his weight off him.

he stays close for a few moments, waiting until yoongi's breathing starts to even out before moving back enough to look at him. there are streaks of yoongi's come spread messily across both of their stomachs. jeongguk lets out a soft breath through his nose.

yoongi's eyes blink open slowly now, tired and lazy and warm after pleasure. "you okay?" yoongi asks quieter this time, fingers sliding slowly through jeongguk's hair.

even now—completely fucked out beneath jeongguk—yoongi is checking on him first.

"mhm." jeongguk leans down and kisses him once, slow and lingering. "love you, hyung," he says against his mouth. "so fucking much."

"love you more, baby."

jeongguk stays there for another minute, forehead resting against yoongi's. when jeongguk finally pulls back, yoongi exhales softly, eyes closing again. his hand comes to rest on yoongi's chest, feeling the uneven rise and fall beneath his palm. yoongi's skin is still flushed, the color spreading all the way up his neck and into his cheeks. jeongguk looks at him for a little too long.

yoongi catches him staring. "don't look at me like that." he lifts an arm over his face, hiding behind it.

jeongguk can't help the quiet laugh that slips out. "can't help it." he looks at the arm covering yoongi's face, then at the pink still visible along his cheeks. "you're pretty."

"jeongguk."

"what?"

yoongi groans and covers his face more completely with both hands now. "stop."

jeongguk laughs. he presses a soft kiss on the back of yoongi's hands before pulling out slowly. the movement makes both of them exhale softly at the same time. yoongi's body twitches faintly from the lingering sensitivity.

jeongguk pushes himself up and stands, still catching his breath. he removes the condom, ties it off, and tosses it into the trash can in the corner of the bedroom. then he grabs a few tissues from the bedside table to wipe the mess from both their stomachs, taking a little more care with yoongi before crumpling the tissues and throwing them away.

only then does he drop onto the mattress beside yoongi, landing harder than he means to. he lies there on his back, still breathing unevenly, staring up at the ceiling. "i can't believe that just happened."

yoongi turns his head toward him. "well. better get used to it."

"yeah?" jeongguk turns toward him with a teasing smile.

yoongi looks at him for a long second. then his eyes narrow. "you're going to be a lot to handle, aren't you?"

jeongguk's smile widens. "you think?"

"mhm."

"well, in my defense, i've been trying to get into your pants for months."

yoongi gives him a flat look. "you've been trying to get into my pants for months and your conclusion is that i should've expected this?"

jeongguk shrugs, still grinning. "i'm just saying, you knew what you were getting into."

"i'm starting to think i didn't."

jeongguk laughs, turning onto his side to face him. "too late."

yoongi gives him a long look. "i'm thirty-three. you can't expect us to fuck every fucking night."

the idea makes jeongguk grin before he can stop it. us. as if there's already going to be enough nights for yoongi to complain about.

"hyung," he says, shifting closer. "i'm a good fuck. you're gonna be the one asking for it."

yoongi stares at him. jeongguk stares back, completely serious. then yoongi covers his face with one hand. "you're fucking unbelievable." still, yoongi's hand comes down and catches the back of jeongguk's neck, pulling him closer anyway, until jeongguk's head rests against his shoulder.

jeongguk closes his eyes. well. after all those years, things are finally going pretty fucking well.

dating yoongi, so far, doesn't feel all that different from what they've been doing for years. the biggest difference is that now they kiss. and, unfortunately for jeongguk's ability to concentrate, the memories of four days ago have been stuck in his head for four days—the sounds yoongi made, the way he looked, the feel of having him beneath him. all of it keeps coming back at the most inconvenient times.

but. everything else is easy and ordinary. jeongguk still gets yoongi coffee in the morning, except now yoongi walks with him to the dining hall instead of waiting in the green room. they still sit together whenever they can, still talk about whatever comes to mind, share food, argue, joke around.

yoongi also touches him more now. jeongguk notices it most when there aren't any cameras around. yoongi's hand finds the small of his back when they walk down an empty hallway. his fingers catch jeongguk's wrist when he wants his attention. he'll lean against him while they're waiting for something, shoulder pressed into his side, as though years of holding himself back have finally made him realize how much he likes having his hands on jeongguk.

nobody knows yet about their relationship. they haven't told bangtan, partly because neither of them has figured out how to announce that they've spent a decade circling each other before finally getting their shit together. jeongguk can already imagine the reactions. there will be shouting. there will be questions. there will be meltdown.

so, later. maybe they'll wait until september, after the los angeles concerts, when they have three weeks off. that way, they can tell bangtan, let them have their collective meltdown, then disappear into their own houses and refuse to answer the inevitable questions until everyone calms down.

for now, jeongguk and yoongi are keeping it to themselves.

today they're in arlington, getting ready for the first concert there, and yoongi looks particularly fucking good.

yoongi's been happy since he woke up. jeongguk knows because he was there to see it. they'd slept in yoongi's room the night before, jeongguk curled against his chest while yoongi played with his hair and they talked until neither of them had much left to say. eventually the conversation had moved into places neither of them had really gone before: the relationships they'd had, the people they'd loved, the people they'd only tried to love, the ugly parts they'd kept private even from the members.

yoongi talked about his ex-boyfriend and the five years they'd spent together. jeongguk told him about the relationship everyone in bangtan already knew had ended badly, but this time he told the whole story—the parts he'd never told anyone, the things that had happened behind the version they'd all heard, the parts that still made him uncomfortable even years later. he told yoongi about the situationships he'd drifted through afterward, and the one-night stands with men he'd never expected to see again. neither of them tried to make their pasts sound prettier than they were. they just told each other the truth, including the parts they'd kept to themselves.

jeongguk had watched yoongi grow quieter as he talked, then lighter once there was nothing left he needed to keep to himself. and this morning, yoongi had woken up looking like a weight had been taken off his shoulders. he'd spent the first few minutes of the morning kissing jeongguk's face for no reason at all.

jeongguk thinks that's probably why he looks like this now. his hair is styled, his skin is glowing under the backstage lights, and there's an ease in his face that jeongguk hasn't seen in a long time. he's happy. really happy.

apparently, the photographer notices too.

they've just finished taking one of the usual pre-concert group pictures backstage. they're in the call area near the stage entrance, with about twenty minutes left before they're due to go on. usually the photographer takes the shot, checks the camera, and moves on toward the stage. tonight, he doesn't. he stays where he is, standing a few feet away, camera hanging from one hand, looking at yoongi with open interest. jeongguk grits his teeth.

the thing is, the photographer hasn't actually done anything wrong. that's the irritating part. he has a crush on yoongi—which is fine, everyone can have those. he never crosses a line, never touches yoongi without a reason, never says anything inappropriate. he's good at his job. annoyingly good. jeongguk has spent enough time looking through those drive albums to know that.

yoongi must feel the attention after a moment. he lifts his head, and for a few seconds, yoongi and the photographer look at each other. jeongguk watches from a distance, trying very hard to keep his face neutral.

the photographer shifts his weight. "um," he starts.

yoongi waits.

"i just wanted to say that…" the photographer hesitates, glancing briefly toward the camera in his hand before looking back at him. "you… you look good tonight."

oh, for fuck's sake.

yoongi looks stunned for a second, but he recovers quickly enough to keep it professional. "thank you," he says.

jeongguk, on the other hand, has completely given up on being professional.

"not just tonight, though!" the photographer adds quickly. several people turn toward them now, just as confused as jeongguk is about where this conversation is going. "you don't only look good tonight. you… in general, you look g—"

jeongguk is already on his feet. he claps his hands loudly as he walks toward them. "first day in arlington! so exciting!" he announces, loud enough to make everyone look at him instead. "i'm excited, aren't you, yoongi hyung?"

yoongi looks at him for a second, then the corner of his mouth lifts. he's definitely figured out what's going on and what jeongguk is doing. "yeah, i guess."

jeongguk slings an arm around yoongi's shoulders. "come on, then. let's crush this. let's do the bangtan bangtan cheer!"

namjoon finally turns toward jeongguk. "why are you suddenly so excited about the cheer?"

"i'm always excited about our cheer," jeongguk says.

"not this much."

"well, i'm in a good mood today," jeongguk says.

he's actually in a terrible mood now, which is ridiculous. he's twenty-nine in a few weeks. he has spent years learning how to keep his feelings to himself, and now the first real test of his maturity as yoongi's boyfriend is this: watching another man tell yoongi he looks good.

yoongi's shoulder shakes beneath his arm. he's laughing.

(that night, during the song transition, jeongguk pulls the same exact move he did back in metlife, new jersey: he walks toward yoongi, presses his forehead against the side of yoongi's head, his hand resting gently on top of yoongi's hair. he knows he's being petty, but at least this is satisfying.

eat that.

and if the photographer still doesn't get the hint, then jeongguk guesses he'll just have to keep doing this until he finally understands—without jeongguk having to spell out—that yoongi is his)

after the concert, the photographer gathers them together for the usual group pictures. once the last shot is done, the members start drifting toward the green room while the staff begin packing things away.

jeongguk is about to follow when he notices the photographer hasn't moved. his camera hangs loosely from one hand, but his eyes are still on yoongi, with the same look as earlier before the concert. the memory of a few hours ago flashes through jeongguk's head: you look good tonight.

oh, fuck it.

"yoongi hyung," jeongguk calls, catching yoongi by the elbow.

yoongi turns toward him, confused. "hm?"

jeongguk pulls yoongi back toward the spot where they'd just taken the group picture.

he looks toward the photographer, who is still standing there with his camera in hand. "can you take a picture of us?"

the photographer hesitates for half a second, then gives a small nod. "okay." he adjusts his grip on the camera and raises it again, looking through the viewfinder as he gets them into frame.

jeongguk waits until the camera is properly pointed at them.

the photographer starts to count. "ready? one—"

jeongguk reaches up, catches yoongi's face between both hands, and kisses him on the mouth, right there in the middle of backstage, with staff moving around them, backstage cameras still pointed their way, and the rest of bangtan only a few steps away.

the shutter clicks.

for one perfect second, nobody says anything.

then, from somewhere behind them, seokjin goes, "...what is going on?"

jeongguk pulls back, already grinning.

"SINCE WHEN?" jimin shouts.

"are you fucking serious?" hoseok's voice follows.

"jeongguk," namjoon says, sounding like he's just realized he has just discovered a problem far larger than he was prepared to deal with tonight.

jeongguk looks at yoongi, who's staring at him with the most incredulous expression he's ever seen.

then jeongguk turns toward the photographer again. the man is still staring at them. jeongguk can practically see the five stages of grief passing across his face.

he grins and gives the photographer a small thumbs-up.

it's going to be a long night.