Work Text:
Merlin: You dream of the ancient past, and when you wake up all the players are the same but the stakes are somehow so much higher, and mean nothing. Welcome to Camelot.
*
Our top story today: Member of the Knights of the Round Table and all around nice guy, Leon, has come back to life yet again. Listeners, you might recall that in the past few months, Leon has gone away with the rest of the Knights to several battles with rival kingdoms and has yet to return unscathed. In fact, there have been at least six funeral pyres built, and each time, a larger group of spectators have arrived to see Leon miraculously rise up at the last possible moment, and walk away.
In a statement from the King, that wonderful and in no way deceitful or vindictive leader of our beautiful kingdom, citizens of Camelot are reminded that the miraculous recovery of Leon has absolutely nothing to do with sorcery. As always, sorcery, and any related magical occurrences, purposeful or accidental, are strictly illegal. Prince Arthur, present at the press conference, looked perfect in his royal uniform, like he’d been chiseled from marble just for this one appearance, and then painted a perfect sun-kissed tan. Listeners, have you ever noticed how perfectly crooked his teeth are?
Anyway. Prince Arthur had nothing to say. However, his father, the king, made his usual long-winded speech. “We all know what a benefit Leon is to our kingdom, and to the Knights of the Round Table,” King Uther stated, “ and we are incredibly lucky that he has come back from the brink of death so many times. We are absolutely not using sorcery to ensure his survival because we consider him and his perfect temperament an irreplaceable benefit to our elite military force, and any suggestion to the contrary will be met with swift detainment in the dungeons followed by execution.” Although he didn’t say so, I think it goes without saying that this will not be a death any dissenters will miraculously rise from. At least, not legally.
***
Old Man Gaius was seen today, working in his clinic with his new assistant, a goblin that goes by the name of Thomas. Employees of the clinic, as well as patients, are urged not to speak to the goblin or exchange money in his presence. In fact, it would be in everyone’s best interests to avoid carrying coins at all, since it has been illegal to charge for medical services, or anything for that matter, in Camelot for the past decade. As you all well know, we’ve been functioning with a barter system quite successfully for years now, and hopefully all of you hoarding gold coins are smart enough not to take them out into public. There’s nothing quite as disturbing as watching Old Man Gaius and his goblin lick coins as if they’re chocolates. So I’ve heard.
***
The royal council released a statement yesterday following the falsified mayoral election that occurred yesterday afternoon. Voting was mandatory and as usual, no one’s vote was counted. Public enemy number one and prisoner of twenty years, Kilgharrah the Great Dragon, has been instated as the Mayor of Camelot for the next term.
The group opposing his campaign, a group of people whose opinions did not count, believe that his political views oppose the king’s, mainly because Kilgharrah is a creature of the old religion and all creatures of the old religion do not legally exist in Camelot. Citizens are advised to pretend that there is no mayor, and disregard this story entirely, because as I said just a moment ago, dragons are not real, and cannot hold public office. Kilgharrah could not be reached for comment, because he was set free from his imprisonment late last year by an as of yet known party. Anyone who has any information regarding his illegal release should report to the Knights of the Round Table.
***
An update to today’s top story: Another former Knight of the Round Table, Lancelot, has miraculously risen from the dead today. He appeared in the King’s Court this afternoon, shortly after our program began. His body is fully intact, bearing no evidence that he’s definitely dead for the past six months. Unlike Leon’s repeated deaths and resurrections, Lancelot’s untimely demise was thought to be permanent. So far there’s no word on whether or not he’s here for good, or evil.
It seems like a good enough time as any for me to say that I think it’s fantastic that he’s risen from the dead. Right after he announced his return, he found Lady Morgana’s handmaid, Guinivere, literally swept her off her feet, turned around and left the kingdom. From what I hear they’ve already eloped and are on their honeymoon as I speak. Listeners, you’ll remember that last year, when that gorgeous prat, Prince Arthur proposed to Gwen, and I said it would never last. They’ve only had the longest engagement ever, and then she leaves him for the first ex-boyfriend that comes back to life unexpectedly. I don’t have any dead ex-boyfriends, but I can promise you that I wouldn’t leave Arthur for anyone.
Thank you, Lancelot, for doing us all a favor and saving us for the terrible marriage that would have probably happened eventually, if Arthur and Gwen ever sorted themselves out.
***
And now for the traffic. Roads throughout Camelot have been blocked for the past several days. As we all are well aware of by now, the food and water supplies have been magically poisoned by a witch seeking revenge against the King. Since the Kingdom does not acknowledge the existence of witchcraft, no steps have been officially taken to purify the food and water. As a result, families have been packing their things and leaving to visit with friends and relatives in neighboring kingdoms. Expect delays on the highways, especially because the Knights of the Round Table are waiting at all city limits to stop everyone from leaving.
Let me assure you, listeners, if there was a person in our midst who had any magical talent whatsoever, he would be doing his best to resolve this problem as quickly as possible, pausing only to fulfill his duties to local radio.
***
A word from our sponsors:
Do you have secrets?
Have you ever wanted to trick everyone you know and love into believing you’re a good person, when really you just want to kill them?
Do you have dreams of living in a hut in the woods, with terrible hair care and clothing made of twigs and leaves?
Do you practice your evil smile in the mirror for those moments when someone you’ve tricked finally looks away?
Morgana and Morgause’s School of Treachery and Deception offers classes five nights a week. It’s a perfect solution for carrying on your daily responsibilities and still having time to stab everyone who’s ever cared for or about you in the back before the day’s end. Absolutely no sorcery involved, magical aptitude is required.
***
And now, the weather.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbkOZTSvrHs
***
Listeners, you will never believe who visited the station during the break! None other than Prince Arthur himself, that magnificent bastard.
Although I quit my job as his servant ages ago to fulfill my dream of becoming a news anchor, and also because if I were a sorcerer, which I definitely am not, working right under the King’s nose isn’t really the safest job in the world. Still, Arthur persisted in seeking me out for advice loads of times, because as everyone in Camelot knows, I’m the only one around here with any sense half the time. Well, long story short, he was ranting and pacing back and forth, because his father thinks he should have Lancelot and Gwen hunted down and thrown into the dungeons, and probably killed for betraying Arthur like that.
Well, listeners, I’m sure you can guess what I said. “Good riddance to that lot!” because it’s no secret that Gwen and I have been best mates since I wandered into this city several years ago, and the last thing I want is for her to be killed. Lancelot isn’t so bad, either.
The other reason, which I couldn’t help but confess to Arthur in the heat of the moment, is that he’s better off without marrying her. Afterwards, Arthur had a confession of his own, and I almost feel sorry for bad for the intern who happened to be bringing me coffee when Arthur practically climbed over my desk and –
*Static microphone noises*
Arthur: Right, I think this radio show’s gone on long enough, don’t you? Tune in next week, or tomorrow night, or whenever I have to let Merlin go for another hour to do a bloody broadcast.
Merlin: Good night, Camelot, Good night.