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As Sebek swept up the remains of the briars he trimmed from around the entrance of Diasomnia, he couldn’t help but stare at the amount of destruction that lingered despite his tireless cleaning. While his beloved Lord Malleus had managed to survive his overblot with minimal damage given the scale of the attack, he was unfit to use his magic to repair the damage he has created, leading to where he stood, shards of glass embellishing the pathway ahead.
“Sebek, why don’t you and Silver go assist in the restoration of the dorm while I handle Crowley and the briar valley royalty?” Lilia had smiled, stroking Silver’s hair gently before sending both boys off to do chores.
It wasn’t right, was all Sebek could think. It wasn’t right that his lord was suffering so, and he hadn’t known. That Malleus has endured such hardships, and now he couldn’t be there to help him through it. That now, after it all, he was stuck cleaning up a mess once again.
With the pile in front of him growing to the point it required a dustpan, Sebek sought out his companion, Silver, wondering where the boy had gone. While he appreciated the respect and love Malleus and Lilia held for the other boy, Sebek found it harder day by day not to compare himself.
As if to secure these thoughts in his mind, Sebek approached a nearby ledge, where he found Silver dozing off peacefully, the dustpan just outside of the boy’s reach. He knew deep down it wasn’t Silver’s fault that he had the condition he did, but he couldn’t help but think of what might have happened to himself if he displayed the same behavior as his counterpart. If he were even half as relaxed, would they all think he was lazy? If he were as quiet as Silver could be, would they even notice his presence?
Rather than wake the dozing boy, Sebek continued to clean, yanking debris from the nearby ledges and tossing it over the bridge to the dorm. A piece of stone he threw sunk rapidly, and while it was no longer in sight, he was sure it hit the ground.
It fell without a sound.
Would he too fall without a sound?
Shaking his head to push the thoughts from his mind, he continued to work. After all, with enough effort, he was sure to be acknowledged for his work, right? Maybe Malleus would finally see him for the loyal knight he was. Maybe Silver would treat him like an equal rather than a child? Maybe Lilia would love him like a son as well?
After all, it has always been the perfect group of three for them. If Lilia’s dream had solidified nothing else in his mind, it proved to him that he would never quite fit into the portrait of the happy family Diasomnia held. After all, Lilia’s love allowed Malleus to hatch, he might as well have been his son. And Silver, as his birthday proved, was the closest thing to a child Lilia would ever have. A father, and his two kids. And who was he? Nothing worth remembering.
The rubble around him would only serve to worsen this spiral. Sure, these feelings of inadequacy had passed through his thoughts before. Yes, he had acknowledged that he would be stuck at school for a year alone after the closest thing he had to family had moved on with their lives and graduated. But he’d never realized just how alone he was until the overblot.
There was no denial of his respect and love for Malleus and Silver, but hearing them both cry over their isolation, over not being loved, it infuriated him. He’d bite his tongue until the day he ultimately passed, but how could he not resent that his love wasn’t enough? That he wasn’t enough to keep those around him from feeling this way? That despite it all, he felt that same nagging lack of belonging and isolation in his own heart.
“Sebek, you’re too loud, calm down”
But wasn’t he supposed to be passionate in his loyalty like his grandfather taught? All the knights in the stories he read as a kid were proud to boast of their lords, wasn’t he supposed to do the same?
“Sebek, you need to be more accepting of human ways”
But weren’t the humans the ones who took everything from the person he held dearest? Even if his lord couldn’t resent them, because of his generous heart, someone needed to protect him from the cruelty of that species.
“Sebek, could you give Malleus some space?”
How was he supposed to let those he love risk getting hurt when he’s not there? After all, even as a child, it was drilled into his head that he needed to be loyal, dedicated, and protective of his lord if he ever hoped to amount to anything.
Yet, despite years of cramming himself into the mold of what he was supposed to be. Despite years of dedication and training without complaint. Despite years of studying and becoming everything those around him wanted him to be, he never fit.
He would never be appreciated.
He would never be loved.
Tears began to sting at the boy’s eyes. Maybe if he were a stronger knight they wouldn’t have slipped down his cheek in the way they were now trailing. Maybe if he were a calmer man like Silver, he wouldn’t have hurled another stone over the bridge. Maybe if he were a better person, he could’ve stayed by the side of those he loved dearly, rather than chasing their shadows from a distance.
And over the wind whipping across the bridge, Sebek could have sworn, if only for a second, he heard the thud of the stone hitting the ground.
What more would it take? How would he have to change? Just how much more would he have to beg for love for someone to finally acknowledge him?
As he looked over the rubble that once was the place he felt closest to those he held dear, the destruction of his future seemed almost as sure as the destruction of his past that stood before him.
It was taking far too long, he had given his all, and yet everything around served to remind him it would never be enough.
He just needed someone in that moment to see his pain, as he stared to the void below the bridge.
He just needed someone to appreciate him, to tell him the suffering was all worth it and he was now worthy of love as he let his magestone plummet with the remnants of the buildings.
And as the railing became far too short to hold back the temptation of an end to his suffering, as the complaints and critiques of those he held dearest drowned out the thoughts in his mind, his grip on the life he worked so hard to hold onto began to slip.
He just needed someone to remember his name.
And he could have sworn he heard it, as his feet slipped off the bridge, as the wind blew through his hair, as he looked up into the auroral eyes of the boy above him, reaching out a hand far too late.
“SEBEK!”