Chapter Text
John could feel the ache of a long trip in every corner of his body. His neck and shoulder muscles were tight, radiating pain throughout his torso. His legs felt like they might give out at any moment if they weren’t responsible for carrying him to his comfy bed where (hopefully) his boyfriend was waiting for him.
Bob was… an unexpected development in John’s life. Falling for a man was a lot for John to work through, but falling for Bob was easier than breathing. John felt like he was sixteen again. He blushed when their arms brushed against each other in the kitchen, fell back into his habit of adorable pet names and felt like he could melt into a puddle anytime Bob offered him one of his sweet smiles. Call John codependent, but going on these two week long missions was pure agony. He and Bob hadn’t been dating long, but the brunette had been slipping into John’s bed every night for the past four months. Having to sleep in a hotel without looking at those beautiful blue eyes, without feeling Bob’s unnaturally strong arms around his waist, without the soft snores and the feather light breath on his neck… it was proving to be more difficult than John expected. He’d gone through two military tours without his wife but now he could barely be away from Bob for two weeks.
He knew why. Olivia had always been independent. Not that Bob wasn’t, the man was a full grown adult. But John was a habitual worrier these days, more than he had been when he was younger. And if their text messages were any indicator, Bob got just as antsy as John did when the team was away for this long. The brunette had been practically glued to his phone, answering John’s messages within milliseconds. He would constantly ask when they were coming back, if they were doing okay. John had begun to worry when the texts began to slow down. Bob would reply to every hiatus with ‘sorry, I was taking a nap’. Which would’ve been fine, if it wasn’t four times a day.
It was killing John not to be able to check in more often, which is why he wasn’t really complaining when a nasty gash on his abdomen sent him back to the tower a week before the others. It wasn’t anything to worry about, not really. Some lucky bastard caught him off guard and barely grazed John’s stomach with a knife. It didn’t even go that deep. While Yelena and Ava fussed over him, John made it clear that he was fine and that there was no need for him to be out of the field. Funny enough, it was Barnes who made the final call to send him back.
John exited the elevator, still dressed in the U.S. Agent uniform, holding his duffel bag over his shoulder and half-limping through the doors. The cut on his stomach had been patched up, but every step felt like agony. He trudged through the common area and into the dorm hall, eagerly opening his bedroom door… only to see no Bob. John frowned and tossed his beret and duffel bag onto the mattress before shrugging off the top half of the suit, leaving him in the pants, boots and a black compression top. He lifted the hem of his shirt to examine the bandages, making sure there was no bleed-through before making his way to Bob’s room, right across the hall.
A few knocks… and no answer. John’s eyebrows furrowed, but maybe Bob was sleeping again. He knocked a little harder, and still no answer. “Bobby, it’s me. You awake?”
John didn’t like to invade his boyfriend’s privacy, but there was no way the sound of the jet arriving didn’t wake him. Anytime he arrived home Bob was usually waiting in the hangar or in John’s bedroom, this was… abnormal. So, like any good boyfriend would, John opened the door and took a step inside.
He barely had half a second to notice that the room was coated in black shadows. And with one step of his boot past the threshold of the door… he was gone.
***
When he opened his eyes, he was in that damn nursery again.
John’s teeth gritted at the sound of his son’s cries. He’d never tell Bob, but this memory had been haunting him since they’d touched in the vault. The blonde shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair with a deep breath as the memory began to play out in front of him. He could feel his heart racing, the rising anger and the shame that lingered in the back of his head. It would be so easy to say ‘it’s not real’... but it was. This happened. John let it happen and it didn’t matter if he and Olivia were good now, it was still something he had to live with.
“Bob, I’m not doing this again. Just… tell me where you are and we can talk.” He called out to the room, only to have no answer. John shook his head and immediately slammed the side of his body into the door, crashing through the wood and falling into the next room. The sounds of his and Olivia’s shouting drowned out, and when he picked his head up again he expected to see Latvia, but he was met with a hospital room he didn’t recognize. The sounds of faint beeping echoed in his ears, and all it took was one look at the bed for John’s heart to break into pieces.
Bob was so small, couldn’t be more than fourteen, but there was no denying it was him. Even at a young age John could recognize his rounded nose and smile lines around his eyes. His hair hadn’t begun to curl yet, falling in short waves over his forehead. He was skinny, so skinny that it made John feel physically ill, but his face still retained some of its baby fat. He was just a kid, and yet his unconscious body was covered in scrapes and cuts. There was a large amount of road rash on his left arm, still filled with gravel and asphalt. Tubes pumped him full of the morphine that he’d soon be addicted to.
John swallowed and sat on the edge of the bed. He needed to leave, needed to find the real Bob, but the somber nature of the scene was holding him down like gravity. Bob had talked about the car crash, but never for longer than a moment. “Bobby…” he muttered under his breath.
‘Not a pretty picture, is it?’
John’s head perked up at the sound of Bob’s voice, no matter how dark and distorted it sounded. He whipped his head around and just barely caught a glimpse of a shadow in the tiny window of the hospital room door. Those pinpricks of white eyes stared back at him for just a moment before disappearing completely. “Gotcha.” John mumbled before rushing for the door, only to find it locked. The blonde quickly punched a hole in the glass before reaching around to unlock the door from the other side. When the door opened and John stepped in, it felt like he was falling twenty stories.
He crashed onto a bed, thank God.
Bob’s bed. In the tower.
For a moment he thought he’d escaped, but something felt off. The room was still coated in shadows, the windows had been blacked out and a deep hum of something akin to white noise filled his ears. And when John looked up, Bob was sitting on the edge of the bed right across from him sitting with his legs crossed. Only it wasn’t really Bob… it was the Void. John hadn’t come face to face with the ‘creature’ in months. And now that he knew Bob more intimately… looking at this thing didn’t sit right with him.
John could see the outline of his old West Point hoodie on The Void’s frame. It was mostly covered in shadow but John could barely make out the stitched lettering. If he squinted he could almost see the outline of Bob’s athletic shorts and high-top socks. The brunette’s hair was a mess, like he’d barely crawled out of bed. And his face was expressionless. Only those two white dots stared back at him.
‘Find what you were looking for, Walker?.’
John’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’d like to talk to my boyfriend, please.”
The creature scoffed and shook its head. “Of course you do. You want to talk to him now, but you’re too busy while you’re away?” John could do nothing but watch as the shadow leaned closer. “Typical Walker. Always so wrapped up in work. You just can’t help but leave the caretaking to others, can you? Don’t worry, I take good care of Bob while you’re too busy.”
John swallowed and leaned backwards until his back touched the headboard of the bed. “Let him go. Now. I won’t ask again.”
The Void chuckled and sat up on its knees, inching closer. “So demanding. You think I make the rules here? I can’t keep him here unless he wants to be. Better in here than all alone out there, don’t you think?”
“He’s not alone, I’m here now. Just… let me talk to him.” John hated bargaining with this thing. If it was telling the truth and Bob really did control their fates here, he wasn’t going to get anywhere by talking with the Void.
“You are talking to him.” The shadow leaned in further, pushing into John’s space and reaching for his hand, pressing the blonde’s palm to its cheek. The skin was cold and almost synthetic-feeling, it didn’t have any of Bob’s warmth. Still, at this close of a distance John could see Bob’s familiar smirk, he could faintly see the outline of cobalt blue around those piercing white eyes. “Don’t you recognize me?”
“You’re not Bob.”
“Aren’t I?” The Void chuckled and pushed forward even further to the point where it was straddling John. Any other circumstance and John would’ve pushed the creature off completely. But the face under his palm and the strong thighs around his hips were so reminiscent of his boyfriend. John had been missing him for two weeks now… he’d been eagerly waiting to come home and hold him again, to press his body into the mattress and show just how much he’d missed him. He didn’t know if he had the heart to push away a monster that looked exactly like Bob right now. Somewhere, deep down, his boyfriend was lingering underneath the shadows. And maybe a little familiar touch from John would draw him out. “We’re the same, he and I. You’re gonna have to realize that eventually, Walker. You signed up to date a freak, this is what you get.”
“Bob’s not a freak.” John spat, immediately rushing to Bob’s defense. His fingers hovered over the cold skin in front of him. All his body wanted was to wrap his arms around that small waist and pull him in closer, inhale his scent and finally get to hold the person he’d been thinking about for two weeks. Would it even smell like Bob?John could feel the Void’s huff of breath on his palm. “No wonder why he likes you so much. Always trying to comfort him, to make him feel like something he’s not.” The Void leaned forward to press its nose against John’s, lips just an inch away from his own. “What about me? When are you gonna comfort me, Walker? Didn’t you miss us?”
John swallowed and pulled his hand from The Void’s face, letting both his palms rest on its thighs, squeezing tightly. He looked up into those white eyes, trying to find the oceans of blue underneath them. For a moment, he swore he could see Bob’s familiar tear-filled and red rimmed eyes underneath all the shadows. “I shouldn’t. Not when you’re like this. Let me get you a bottle of water, something to eat and we can talk-”
The Void pulled back suddenly, enough to slightly startle John. The blonde could see the faint outline of a glare on its face. “I’m sure Bob would be happy to find out you don’t love every part of him equally. Maybe I’ll keep him here a little longer.”
John’s fingers tightened in the fabric of the old hoodie, sharply dragging the shadowy figure closer and pressing their lips together. The Void wrapped its arms around John’s neck and pulled him into a tight hug, breathing heavily into his mouth in a deep, slow kiss. The Void kissed like Bob did. Slow, wet and passionate. Every movement of its lips and tease of its tongue was filled with the same love and… uncertainty? John pulled back just a bit, letting his fingers roam upwards, underneath the old hoodie and up the brunette’s muscular back. The Void was right, it and Bob were one and the same in some ways. Bob was in there somewhere, asking John for something. Comfort? Reassurance? Love? Whatever it was, John would give it to him in whatever form he wanted. “I do love you. Every part of you. Even the darkest parts you don’t want anyone to know about. I still love you, even like this.”
The Void’s eyes narrowed at John for a moment before pressing back into him. “Shut up and kiss me, Walker.”
John’s hunger and pent up frustration at the last two weeks took over, and before he knew it he’d flipped the creature onto its back, enjoying the tiny gasp that escaped its mouth. John pressed their lips together again, drinking in the soft moans that sounded so much like Bob’s. He’d wanted to come home and show his boyfriend just how much he was missed, and while this wasn’t what John had expected, he was planning on doing just that. John tugged the inky black pair of shorts down, leaving the Void in nothing but that old hoodie and socks. It almost looked… cute. John pressed small bites and kisses along its neck, in just the way he knew Bob liked.
Eager fingers tugged at his shirt, and he pulled back just enough to let the Void begin to undress him. As soon as the shirt came off, he felt the Void’s shadowy fingers lightly press against the bandages of his stomach. There was something in the air lingering between them. Almost like… worry or concern. John was sure Bob was in there somewhere, nervously going over the millions of things that could’ve gone wrong to give John a wound like that. But the Void simply huffed and tossed the shirt into the corner of the room, laying back and awaiting John’s touch. John smirked and tried not to laugh at the fact that the thing that had almost destroyed all of Manhattan was a total pillow princess.
John pressed insistent bites and inhales across its neck. It smelled like Bob. Every inhale was Dove men’s shampoo and Bob’s natural musk. Every taste of its mouth was spearmint gum and cigarettes. John marveled at how something so alien could still be so familiar. The lines between Bob and the Void were getting blurrier, and John could feel his pants tightening. He was getting impatient. John grabbed both of its thighs and spread them wide open, tugging it down to the bed and pulling a sharp gasp from it. John removed his boots and pants, pulling his hard cock from his underwear and lining himself up with heavy, eager breaths.
The Void’s thighs flinched slightly under John’s grip, and the blonde could feel the hesitation from beneath him. That deep, gravelly voice filled his ears again. “Aren’t you gonna open me up nice and slow… like you do with him?” There was a bite to its words, sure, but there was also a waver and hesitation.
John’s eyebrows furrowed, glancing over at the bedside table where he and Bob usually kept the lube. “This isn’t real… Do you even need it?” The creature below him was silent. It almost seemed embarrassed. When Bob hit his lowest moments, John was often reluctant to sleep with him. When they did, though, Bob always preferred it soft and slow. He enjoyed the nights where John would take his time with him, treating him like he was something to be savored and treasured. It made sense that the manifestation of those lows would want the same thing. But it almost seemed… jealous. Jealous that Bob got to have those interactions with John while The Void was kept locked up in a metaphorical closet, avoided at all costs. It almost made John feel bad. The Void couldn’t be ignored or pushed away, Bob had said that much. Maybe John wasn’t giving enough attention to every part of his boyfriend.
The blonde swallowed and nodded towards it. “Lay back. Keep your legs open for me.” To his surprise, it actually obeyed. John couldn’t help the smirk on his face as he reached for the small bottle of lube, coating his fingers. “Very good.”
John was sure that if he could see Bob underneath all of the shadows, he’d be blushing. If the soft sigh that escaped its lips was anything to go by, the Void liked praise just as much as Bob did. John pressed sweet kisses along its inner thigh as he slid one finger inside, pushing in and out slowly and taking his time. A shadowy hand darted out to yank on John’s hair, pulling a groan from the blonde. Those thighs began to shiver underneath John’s lips. The Void was so sensitive. Practically any touch had it jumping and squirming underneath John’s hold with a whine and a soft gasp. “I see why… he likes you…”
John smirked and very slowly added a second finger, enjoying the choked-off gasp. “But you don’t like me?”
The Void groaned and pushed the side of its face into the pillow, breathing heavily and avoiding eye contact with John. “Don’t pretend like you care. You only like Bob when he’s happy and agreeable. Not when I’m… when he’s like this.”
“Hey.” That struck John’s nerves. He hooked a thumb into the Void’s mouth, pulling its face back to look up at him. Those terrifying white eyes stared deep into John’s while the blonde pressed the pad of his thumb down on its tongue. After the Void began to suck softly, John continued with a third finger as he spoke. “I like Bob no matter what. I wouldn’t be here, with you right now, if I didn’t. I’m trying to take care of you so… let me. Okay?”
A small nod was all John was going to get. He quickly removed his fingers and replaced them with his cock. When he slid inside slowly, John let out a deep groan. He’d been waiting for two weeks to get back here, and while this wasn’t what he was expecting he was just happy to have any part of his boyfriend in his arms again. From the way the Void whined and clung onto his back with sharp nails, John was sure Bob felt the same way. Maybe they were a little codependent. John leaned down to press his full body weight on top of the Void, thrusting slow enough to pull more of those breathy whines from the creature beneath him. Every slow drag of his hips sent sparks flying through both of them.
Every time John looked back into those white eyes, he swore he could see more and more blue around them. The red flush of Bob’s skin was returning very slowly. The Void refused to let go of John’s thumb, using it as some kind of anchor to keep from losing control of the body, like it didn’t quite want to let John go yet. It was as if the two of them were… fighting over him. John tried not to let that go to his head. John picked up the pace of his hips just enough to make the Void arch its back, leaning further up into John. The blonde peppered soft kisses over its face, kissing away what felt like tears. “I’ve got you, sweetheart.” he whispered into its ear. “You can let go.”
It was hard to see anything in the inky darkness, but the shiver and convulsions underneath him paired with the breathy moans around his thumb were enough of a clue. The Void clenched around him as it reached its climax, breathing heavily. John growled into its ear and picked up the pace even more, finally feeling like he had free reign to take what he’d wanted since he entered the tower. He let out a heavy sigh as he spilled inside, hips twitching against the Void. Even now he was still amazed with how real this place felt. Every touch and feeling was unmistakable. If the shame rooms weren’t so horrible, John could lose himself in a place like this. He supposed that’s what Bob did when he came here willingly.
John pulled the pair onto their sides, both breathing heavily into each other. The blonde pulled the shadowy creature as close as possible, refusing to pull out and instead keeping them locked together until Bob eventually came back to reality. The last thing John heard before falling asleep was a soft “thank you…”
***
“What happened?”
John cracked open his eyes, groaning slightly when Bob’s insistent fingers pressed against the bandage on his stomach. Rather than the empty black Void in his arms, there laid Bob. The brunette looked fucked-out and tired; curls splayed all over the pillow, eyes hazy with sleep and both of their bodies sticky with sweat and drool. It was nice to be able to look into those perfect blue eyes again. John let out a deep sigh and pulled his boyfriend tighter, inhaling the scent on his neck. “Just a graze. I missed you.”
Bob huffed out a chuckle and ran his fingers through John’s hair. “I missed you too. But you weren’t supposed to come home for another week. I was… spiraling. You weren’t supposed to see that.”
John picked his head up just enough to look Bob in the eye, pressing their noses together and making sure there was practically no empty space between them. “You can always call me, Bobby. I don’t care if the world is on fire, one phone call from you and I’d be home as soon as I could.”
Bob swallowed and pressed a soft kiss to John’s lips. “That’s sweet. But… I can handle it on my own now. I don’t want you to get caught in the crossfire. You could’ve gotten hurt.”
John shook his head with a smug smile. “I’m not scared of you, Bobby. There isn’t any part of you that could ever hurt me, I promise.”
It was a sweet notion, and Bob was content to let it go after how lonely and miserable he’d been the past two weeks. All he wanted right now was to push the Void into the back of his mind and hold John tight enough that he’d never let go. But Bob knew himself better than John did. He knew himself well enough to know that there were plenty of parts of him that could hurt them both. Sure, the Void was feeling needy and clingy tonight, but what about the nights it got violent? What about Sentry, who still had yet to resurface after that day in the tower?
For now, Bob pushed the thought from his mind. He was getting better, and if he worked hard enough then John would never have to see those ugly sides of himself again.