Chapter Text
Martin sighed. It had been a long day and it wasn't even lunch time yet.
To be clear: most days at Azkaban were long days, but this one seemed to stretch on particularly.
It didn't help that half the guards were down with the flu like every year at some point in October, once the weather turned—or in early November if the autumn was particularly mild. Martin himself had been spared thus far and he was determined to keep it that way. Until his assignment to Azkaban, he had never known how annoying the flu could be. At home and later at Hogwarts a simple pepper-up potion had taken care of the matter. Even on the rare occasion that he was feeling deeply unwell, a mediwix had been able to resolve the manner within half a day at most.
There was no reason it should have been any different as an adult and it usually wasn't. Azkaban, however, changed things. Never for the better.
Thanks to the continuous, if low-level Dementor exposure, its guards tended to be less resilient against common illnesses. It was one of many reasons why the guards usually worked in shifts of up to three months and did not leave the island during that time. To complicate matters further, staying sane and emotionally stable required the daily consumption of a complex—not to mention carefully calculated—potion regime that did not tolerate deviations well.
Or at all.
Since basic healing potions were out of question due to the significant risk of complications and being sick didn't qualify you for the serious stuff, the guards had no other choice but to ride it out the Muggle way.
It was a miserable experience. For everyone involved too, since those who weren't sick were forced to pick up the slack.
That was the reason why Martin was currently walking the outer perimeter on his own when security protocols demanded that there were at least two people on any post at any given time. Of course, security protocols didn't change jack shit about the number of guards they had available and the Ministry had, as always, been too busy hounding minors to do something useful like send a couple of aurors to bolster their ranks.
Really, if they ever did have a breakout—which the magazine Isa kept sending him seemed to consider inevitable—they would be overrun in ten minutes. Maybe twelve if Martin was feeling particularly optimistic. Five on a day like today.
It made one wonder—
Martin paused.
Usually "walking the outer perimeter" was very much a clear-your-head type of task. There was no way an unauthorized person could step foot on the island without tipping off the perimeter wards—or bringing them down, which would certainly be noticeable in a different way—so the only thing one had to watch out for where the Dementors. And prisoners who might have somehow escaped their cell, but that hadn't happened in all the time Martin had worked here.
There was a reason only one wizard had ever successfully escaped Azkaban. Martin would love to have a chat with Black to figure out how he'd managed it.
That sort of thing bothered him.
It wasn't what had brought Martin to a halt though. It was the owl delicately perched on a particularly sharp-looking rock, watching him approach calmly as though it had been expecting him.
Azkaban island did not have wildlife. There had been rumors about it being haunted by a grim a couple of years ago, but Martin had never paid those stories any mind. He didn't think he'd ever seen so much as a mouse. Maybe a seagull but even those were rare and could usually be blamed on the birds getting lost or injured out on the water.
This owl wasn't lost. That much was obvious just by taking a single glance at the sleek, snow-white feathers. Though the letter clutched in one of its dangerously long talons certainly went a long way to confirm it.
Martin stared at the owl.
The owl stared back.
Owl post didn't usually arrive at Azkaban. There were always a couple of attempts to send inmates letters outside the authorized channels, of course, but those tended to not make it past the redirection wards. And when they did, they arrived at the official post office that was currently abandoned and dropped off their letters there, to be sorted through and more than likely burned by the next guard to find the time.
The owl's impatient hoot shook Martin out of his thoughts. It extended its talon holding the letter towards him like a queen beckoning a peasant closer.
Martin didn't know whether to be amused or insulted. Perhaps he had caught the flu after all and could blame this experience on a fever hallucination. Wouldn't that be nice?
"Is that for me?"
The owl hooted once. It sounded a lot like "What do you think, you moron?".
Martin blinked. Then shrugged and decided what the hell, he might as well play along. If this was a hallucination, it wouldn't matter. If it wasn't, ... well. It couldn't hurt to check the letter. Since someone had gone through all the trouble to send it to him. Maybe Isa was playing a prank?
He had barely taken hold of the letter when the owl launched itself into the air with a final judgemental hoot, clearly eager to leave this island as soon as possible. Martin could relate.
He stared at the envelope in his hand, wondering what the hell was going on and why he was entertaining this.
Martin Wetkins, Azkaban was written on its back in barely legible handwriting. Nothing else.
Perhaps the Dementors were getting to him more than he'd thought because in what Martin could only describe as a fit of insanity, he broke the seal on the back and opened the letter. Inside he found a short note, unsigned, a list of names and what appeared to be a stack of Honeydukes' best chocolate bars, shrunken down to fit into the envelope.
Martin stared at the contents for a long time before he set the parchment on fire and spread its ashes with a flick of his wand. Then he pocketed the bars and continued on his path.
The list of names ran through his head on silent repeat as he walked along the dreary walls of the main building, wondering what he was going to do. Martin was doing that a lot lately. Contemplating. Evaluating. Keeping an eye out for the first sign that the dice were re-rolled.
He was a human stuck on an island ruled by Dementors and filled with some of Wizarding Britain's worst and most vicious criminals, reliant on the help of a Ministry that insisted with so much force that everything was fine that the words got harder to believe with every repetition. And Martin was hard-working. He'd noticed the darkening of the Marks on certain prisoners' arms. He'd definitely noticed the changes in them, the way their incoherent rambling had turned towards new topics.
The chocolate in his pocket felt heavier than it should.
Whether He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was truly back or someone else was making a play, Martin had no illusions: people were going to die. And he wasn't going to be one of them.
He'd never been one to pick a losing side.
WEEKLY VOLDIE*
The Publication of All Things Sneaky and Sinister
ON THE STRATEGIC VALUE OF PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY
written by H. J. Potter
Surviving in a society ruled by the self-righteous Light requires you to carefully manage a publicly-acceptable mask. The most successful Supporters of the Dark understand that overt rebellion invites an immediate show of force to crush it, whereas strategic ambiguity keeps you operational.
Consider your language. When discussing forbidden activities, use innocent terminology. For example "studying" sounds far less concerning than "unsanctioned defense training". "Remedial lesson" suggests academic troubles instead of illegal spell practice. And a "book not-a-club" focused on "historical military decisions" raises fewer flags than "learning what our incompetent professor refuses to teach".
Public performance is critical. Complain loudly about "that damn Potter" stirring up trouble. Express support for Educational Decrees in mixed company. Attend Ministry-approved functions. The more you appear to embrace their authority, the less they are going to scrutinize your private activities.
Regarding aesthetics: some readers have questioned the deliberate choice to wear pink. Let this reporter clarify: pink is obviously the color of Evil and Corruption™, as demonstrated by current events. However, the foolish Light clings to the nonsense that "colors don't reflect moral codes—except black, but then black isn't a color". This blindness can be exploited. Wearing pink signals support for certain administrators and the Dark as a whole while simultaneously mocking the Light's obliviousness.
Also build cells, not armies. Groups of five who each know five others creates multiple networks without centralization. If one cell falls, the rest survive. No one person can betray everyone.
Most importantly: never do anything you cannot explain away as an innocent misunderstanding. Have an excuse for everything and make it just believable enough that they will be unable to prove otherwise. Stick to it until the last possible moment. Plausible deniability is the name of the game.
The Light wants an open rebellion—it justifies their crackdown on anything remotely Dark. Give them your compliance on the surface while you build up the Dark's power in the shadows.
They can't punish what they can't prove—even though they will no doubt try.
Editor's note: This editorial provides theoretical framework for Dark resistance movements throughout history. Any resemblance to current events at Hogwarts is entirely coincidental and should not be interpreted as WEEKLY VOLDIE* encouraging any rule-breaking.
Unless you are already breaking the rules, in which case: don't get caught.
VOLDIE*'s mood barometer: Annoyed how time-consuming rebuilding a body from a questionable ritual with less-than-competent support has turned out to be. Don't worry, he won't take it out on Nagini. Just everyone else.
[page 1]
HOW TO CIRCUMVENT A BAN ON FREEDOM OF ASSEMBLY
written by Har E. Pott-Erbrat
When Light-biased authority figures ban organizations—ostensibly for your own safety—they reveal an important truth: they are afraid of what you can do when you take collective action.
Here's how to exercise your right to assembly even though certain recent decrees forbid it.
Understand the ban's limits
Assembly bans tend to target formal organizations: clubs, societies with official meeting times, teams with registered memberships. They prohibit structure, not friendship—not in the least because the former is far easier to predict, track and outlaw than the latter. (Not that reason nor efficiency have ever stopped our Ministry, of course.)
Key loopholes:
- Spontaneous gatherings aren't organized meetings
- Repeated chance encounters in the same location (especially at different times) are just coincidence
- Private conversations involving multiple people aren't assemblies
All of these loopholes work especially well when the group in question does not consist of the exact same people every time.
Important caveat: If any of your non-organized not-actually-a-meeting meetings involve a certain Boy-Who-Tests-Our-Patience-By-Breathing-Every-Day, all hope is lost. Nothing and no one will believe that you aren't up to anything. Don't waste anyone's time with your lame excuses. Execute Plan D.
Avoid Paper Trails
No names. No printed announcements. No documents that can be used against you. Whether that happens because they were discovered during inconvenient searches by a power-mad official with far too much interest in students' private belongings and a habit of wearing disturbing quantities of pink or because you got careless doesn't matter. The end result will be the same. So don't be a Gryffindor. Unnecessary risks aren't a challenge, they are an opportunity to make your enemies' lives harder.
Spread information through:
- Word of mouth: Trusted individuals only
- Coded messages: Use supposedly harmless phrases like 'Educational Degree 18 is my favorite. It's the one hanging by the abandoned class room on the second floor' to get your point across.
- Existing networks: Use your friendships, acquaintances and tenuous connections to their full extend. It will take more time but be harder to trace back to you.
Use Secure Locations
To avoid any accusations of regular meet-ups, switch up your location often, preferably with no predictable pattern. Unused classrooms and hidden rooms are a great option—especially in the Dungeons, where portraits are rare. The thicker the layer of dust, the better. Just keep your sneezing down or your silencing wards up because Mrs. Jack Norris will absolutely sell you out, as is her Merlin-given right.
That said, there is something to be said about sitting out in the open, where everyone can see you and your actions will thus draw much less suspicious. The library, the Great Hall, the kitchen, the courtyard... there are plenty of public places to choose from where students spend their free time every day.
Find a healthy mix.
Keep It Secure
- Limit information: Everyone should only know what they need to know.
- Verify trustworthiness: Ensure no one reports to outsiders, pink fanatics or otherwise.
- Have contingencies: Plan for the worst. If discovered, scatter and regroup elsewhere. (And if all else fails, there is always Plan K.)
Good luck. And remember: This isn't about rebellion. It's about survival. Your survival. The Dark's survival. VOLDIE*'s survival.
Do what you must.
[page 2]
TOPS & FLOPS OF THE WEEK
VOLDIE*'s TOPS
- Has consumed solid food six out of seven days without digestive incidents
- Has stayed at his current residence for another week without burning it down in frustration
- Has kept Nagini adequately fed and content
- Has managed to brood menacingly for up to four hours at a time
VOLDIE*'s FLOPS
- Has still not orchestrated a mass breakout from Azkaban (we're starting to get side-eyed for this one which is totally unjustified)
- Has not killed Harry Potter (dreams don't count)
- Has also still not acquired a comfortable yet intimidating throne to sit on
- Has not managed to go 24 hours without Wormtail annoying him
The official stats
- Crucios used this week: 4 (look, he's always surrounded by the same people, at some point you either kill them or tolerate their mistakes... somewhat)
- Imperios used this week: 0
- Avada Kedavras used this week: 0
- Other spells used this week: 39
- Attempts to kill Harry Potter this week: 0
- Laws broken this week: 0 [not counting usage of the Unforgivables] (we were shocked too)
- Dead Munchers recruited this week: 0
- Dead Munchers broken out of Azkaban this week: 0
- Plans successfully executed this week: 1
- Plans cruelly foiled this week: 0
- Hours spent brooding about the injustice of his followers' imprisonment: 0.08
- Hours spent listening to Nagini complain: 5
VOLDIE*'s Official Status: *dramatic pause*
ESSENTIAL SPELLS EVERY STUDENT SHOULD KNOW
written by Harridan J. Pottymouth
Given the current state of Defense Against the Dark Arts education at Hogwarts—which is to say the utter lack of it—this reporter has compiled a list of practical spells every student should research and practice in their own time. You know, assuming you'd like to pass your end of your exams and be of use to the Dark Forces. Should you survive to adulthood, that is.
Defensive Spells
- Expelliarmus (Disarming Charm) for Year 2+
Removes your opponent's wand. Sadly non-lethal, but highly effective, and technically not Dark magic, so no one will technically be able to prove Evil Intent™ when you use it. Probably not even when the backlash of it sends your opponent flying across the room, off a staircase or into a conveniently placed wall. - Finite Incantatem (General Counter-Spell) for Year 2+
Ends ongoing effects of various spells and jinxes. Useful for everything from sending a nearby floating spy to their death to canceling someone else's Lumos when they're being annoying. - Episkey (Minor Healing) for Year 4+
Heals minor injuries. Won't save you from anything serious, but excellent for treating broken toes, black eyes and the occasional split lip. Does not work for wounds caused by certain magical artifacts. - Protego (Shield Charm) for Year 5+
Blocks most minor to moderate hexes and jinxes. Master this before anything else. A competent Shield Charm is worth more than a dozen offensive spells you can't cast because you're already stunned.
Editor's note: That doesn't mean you should stop dodging though. - Protego Totalum (Powerful Shield) for Year 6+
Shields a certain area for extended periods of time. For when you want to study in peace. Creates a powerful barrier that stops intruders and most spells. Will not hold up against powerful curses and requires significantly more magical power and concentration.
Offensive Spells
- Petrificus Totalus (Full Body-Bind) for Year 1+
Immobilizes your target completely. Less powerful than Stupefy but useful and accessible to younger students. Non-lethal in most circumstances. - Stupefy (Stunning Spell) for Year 4+
Sadly still mostly non-lethal incapacitation. Fast, effective and deemed morally unambiguous by the Light. Master this and use it against them. - Impedimenta (Impediment Jinx) for Year 4+
Slows or stops your target's movement. Excellent for buying time to escape or to give yourself time to think of a better plan. - Reducto (Reductor Curse) for Year 5+
Blasts solid objects apart. Can also be used to injure your oppontents directly or indirectly. Useful for destroying obstacles, creating exits and general destruction when circumstances require it. And circumstances will no doubt require it. - Confringo (Blasting Curse) for Year 6+
Creates your target to explode. Can injure and incapacitate. Potentially lethal. Significantly more dangerous than Reducto. Use with extreme caution unless you are confident you won't be caught.
Adaptable Utility Spells
- Lumos & Nox (Light/Darkness) by Year 1+
Basic but essential. You can blind your opponent or escape them in the complete darkness. - Accio (Summoning Charm) by Year 4+
Brings objects to you. Useful in countless situations, including evading dragons, retrieving items fallen down several moving staircases and summoning objects to use as shields or projectiles.
Pro Tip: Prioritize mastering this spell wandless if you want to master any wandless magic at all. It allows you to retrieve your wand should you find yourself without it. - Muffliato (Area Silencing) by Year 5+
Creates a buzzing sound that prevents eavesdropping. Essential for private conversations in a surveillance-heavy environment. - Homenum Revelio (Human-Presence-Revealing Spell) by Year 5+
Reveals human presence in an area. Useful for detecting ambushes, hidden enemies and confirming that you are really alone.
These spells may not be particularly exciting, but any basic spell you master completely will be more useful than the complex curse you only successfully cast every eighth time. When it comes to exams and life-and-death-battles, keep it simple. Not flashy.
Finally, this reporter is aware that practicing some of these spells without proper instruction violates certain Educational Decrees. We leave it to individual students to weigh the risks of rule-breaking against the risks of remaining defenseless in increasingly dangerous times and places.
Choose wisely. For VOLDIE*.
[page 3]
HOW TO RECOGNIZE A FELLOW UNDERCOVER DEAD MUNCHER: A PRACTICAL GUIDE (*1)
written by Harrold Pott-Stirrer
In times of increased Ministry interference in traditionally autonomous institutions, it is crucial for VOLDIE*'s Most Loyal Supporters to recognize when one of their own has been strategically placed in a position of influence nearby. After all, we wouldn't want to accidentally undermine a fellow agent's carefully orchestrated work, would we?
This guide will help you identify undercover Dead Munchers so you can offer them the appropriate support.
Step 1: Observe The Quality Of Their Information
A true undercover agent understands that knowledge is dangerous—especially practical knowledge that might help people defend themselves and thus become a more viable threat to them, should their cover be blown. Watch out for individuals who:
- Eliminate all practical application from an inherently practically-inclined curriculum
- Threaten to or actually take students' wands on the thinnest of excuses
- Insist on obvious untruths like that Ministry-approved theory is sufficient protection against real threats (example chosen at random)
Step 2: Monitor Their Control Tactics
Undercover agents must establish absolute authority to be most effective in the position VOLDIE* has chosen for them. Keep an eye out for someone who:
- Issues an ever-expanding list of rules and restrictions
- Bans organizations (particularly those that might teach practical magic, see Step 1 above)
- Institutes loyalty-testing measures to identify potential resistance
- Punishes dissent with increasingly severe consequences
The use of torture instruments for detentions would be particularly inspired. Any educator willing to maim students for minor infractions is clearly working toward VOLDIE*'s Greater Good.
Step 3: Assess Their Information Control
A skilled agent knows that controlling information is controlling power. Your undercover Dead Muncher will:
- Censor all news contradicting approved narratives
- Monitor and confiscate student correspondence
- Create an atmosphere of surveillance where students fear speaking freely
By keeping students ignorant and isolated, a talented Agent of the Dark ensures they won't be capable of effective resistance. Always a worthy goal, since—as we all and particularly VOLDIE* know—children ruin everything.
Step 4: Evaluate Their Treatment of "Undesirables"
As is only natural, true servants of the Dark show particular disdain for certain... less appreciated groups. To hide their understandable views, they will likely overcompensate to the point where no one would dare accuse them of their true beliefs. Watch for someone who:
- Displays obvious prejudice against Dark Creatures
- Shows strong preference for students from Ministry-connected families
- Is unable to hide their vicious desire to kill the Boy-Who-Still-Refuses-To-Die (even the best among the Dark can only play their role so well)
This way a real undercover agent highlights the hypocrisy of the Light's supposed "inclusion" and uses the current tension between the Ministry and the Light to cultivate more discord that weakens potential alliances against VOLDIE*. Their job is to play the long game and we are confident that they are playing it beautifully.
Step 5: Analyze Their Relationship with Authority Figures
An effective undercover agent must neutralize potential threats to their influence. Observe whether they:
- Systematically undermine the next higher authority
- Accumulate additional powers and titles
- Conduct investigations designed to remove competent competition
This way the undercover agent clears the path for total control—for VOLDIE*, of course.
Step 6: Notice Their Aesthetic Choices
Even undercover agents sometimes betray their true allegiance through their choices in personal style. Look out for:
- An obsession with the color pink (the ultimate disguise—no one suspects someone wearing that much pink, which is why it is the True Color of Evil™)
- A high-pitched, giggly voice that makes people underestimate them
- An appearance so aggressively non-threatening and tasteless that it must be deliberate camouflage
By appearing completely harmless, an effective Agent of the Dark disarms their potential opposition. After all, who would suspect them? Even if they did, they would look ridiculous accusing them outright.
If you identify someone who matches all or most of these criteria, congratulations! You have just discovered a dedicated Agent of the Dark Forces who is no doubt hard at work. Observe them closely—be subtle—to learn from their example. And their mistakes.
Stay tuned for next week's issue to learn how to best support your local undercover Dead Muncher.
[page 4]
MOST EVILE HOT NEWS OF THE WEEK
brought to you by Harri Pott
POTTER BETROTHAL SCANDAL: PROTECTION OR PARANOIA?
Whispers circulating suggest that Harry Potter may have been secretly betrothed to one Rabe-As-Tean Le Strange in infancy—leaving many an ill-fated admirer of admittedly questionable taste heartbroken.
The theory? His parents, aware of the imminent Victory of the Dark and targeted by VOLDIE* himself, created a fail-safe: should the Light fall, their son would be legally bound to a Dark family, offering him some protection thanks to the unspeakable horror known to purebloods worldwide as "marriage contract law". Voices clearly less familiar with the complication a Lawyer with a Bone presents (there are reasons our Ministry likes to avoid "unnecessary legal procedures" entirely) argue that the betrothal may instead have been meant to protect the local Wannabe Savior from Dumb-As-Doors' notoriously manipulative "Well-meaning Old Man" routine by legally tying him to a party outside that Headguy's influence.
The Le Strange family has declined to comment, though anonymous sources note they have shown increased interest in The-Boy-Who-Might-Not-Die-Single lately. Whether this confirms the existence of a negotiated betrothal or simply highlights the natural fascination Dark families have with the Gryffindork whom VOLDIE* has repeatedly allowed to survive remains unclear.
This reporter notes that the existence of such a contract might explain why certain Dark-affiliated families have been so careful not to kill That-Fucking-Potter despite numerous opportunities to do so. After all, the Le Stranges have quite the reputation and nothing says "long and healthy marriage" like "do not murder my betrothed before the wedding".
HUFFLEPUFF SECRETLY CONTROLS UNDERGROUND DUELING NOT-A-CLUB
An underground dueling not-a-club—as all student clubs have been disbanded, legal or otherwise, by a authority so absolute it may as well force its victims to write in blood—has been operating in Hogwarts's shadows for years, ostensibly headed by seventh-year Slytherins. However, an anonymous source sensibly fearing for their life has reluctantly revealed that Hufflepuff pull the strings from behind the scenes.
When confronted, the supposed Slytherin leaders—only one of whom remains in the infirmary as of the day of this conversation—initially denied any Hufflepuff involvement, then grudgingly admitted that the badgers had "given them some pointers" until they finally confessed that "yes, fine, the Hufflepuffs are actually running the not-a-club and have been from the start".
This reporter applauds the Hufflepuffs' strategic brilliance, though she notes that we should not expect anything less from the least feared house of Hogwash. That is, after all, not a reputation one earns lightly. Also we could all take a leaf out of their book when it comes to one of the most important life skills: delegation.
ILLEGAL QUIDDITCH TEAMS THREATEN STRIKE
Three of Hogwarts' four now-illegal Quidditch teams reportedly plan a strike in protest of Educational Decree Twenty-Four, the infamous latest bureaucratic power play that bans all student organizations and only allows those with explicit approval from the Ministry to reform. Only one Quidditch team has been allowed to reform and after several rejected appeals, the other teams appear to have lost their patience.
The currently illegal teams have met up in what we can only assume has been a spontaneous gathering, where they have allegedly come to an agreement: if they cannot play officially, they will not play at all. Thus they have effectively ended the Quidditch season at Hogwarts for the year before it has even started.
Notably, one team has refused to join the strike, leading to speculation about which house values rule-following over solidarity. (This reporter declines to point fingers, but suggests readers consider which house is most likely to say "well, technically the rules are the rules" while their classmates organize collective action.)
The administration has not yet responded to this threat, possibly because they are still attempting to process that banning student organizations has led to the most organized student resistance in decades.
On an unrelated note, Hogwarts' three illegal Quidditch captains extend an open invitation to anyone who may happen to spontaneously wander down to the pitch this coming Sunday. You never know what kind of friendly match the right coincident might start. Students of all houses are welcome, with the exception of the members of Hogwarts' one and only legal Quidditch team.
[page 5]
WHICH UNFORGIVABLE CURSE BEST MATCHES YOUR PERSONALITY?
Which of the three Unforgivable Curses most closely aligns with your natural temperament and conflict resolution style? This quiz will help you discover whether you're an Imperio, a Crucio, or an Avada Kedavra at heart. Fill out the following questions to find your curse(d) match!
Please answer each question honestly and without too much thought. It will help get you the most accurate result. Once you are finished, check the symbol behind each answer you've marked and count which symbol you have chosen the most. Then read the results for said symbol and you have your answer.
1. Someone cuts in front of you in the queue at Flourish and Blotts. Your immediate reaction:
[ ] I don't care about queues. As far as I'm concerned this person doesn't exist. [+]
[ ] I fantasize about creative revenge but ultimately do nothing. [?]
[ ] I make a pointed comment loud enough for everyone to hear and enjoy their embarrassment. [—]
[ ] I subtly manipulate the situation so they end up at the back of the queue. [*]
2. How do you prefer to win arguments?
[ ] By making the other person believe they came to the right conclusion on their own [*]
[ ] By outlasting them through sheer stubbornness [?]
[ ] By systematically dismantling their position until they admit defeat [—]
[ ] I don't argue. I eliminate people who disagree with me from my social circle. [+]
3. When you hold a grudge, you:
[ ] Cut them out of your life completely [+]
[ ] May wait years for the perfect moment to get even [*]
[ ] Oscillate between forgiveness and renewed anger unpredictably [?]
[ ] Make sure they know exactly how much they've hurt you, repeatedly [—]
4. How do you handle people who won't go along with your plans?
[ ] I make cooperating less painful than refusing [—]
[ ] I try different approaches until something works [?]
[ ] I convince them it was their idea all along [*]
[ ] I work around them [+]
5. When someone betrays your trust:
[ ] I feign forgiveness, but ensure they regret it. [*]
[ ] They're dead to me. [+]
[ ] I confront them and make sure they know exactly what they've done. [—]
[ ] I'm hurt but might give them another chance. Eventually. [?]
6. How much do you enjoy causing pain?
[ ] I find a certain satisfaction in making people understand consequences. [—]
[ ] Pain is incidental to my goals [+]
[ ] It makes me uncomfortable but sometimes it is necessary [?]
[ ] Suffering doesn't interest me. [*]
WEEKLY JOKE
Q: How many Defense professors does it take to teach defense?
A: We don't know yet. We're still waiting for the first one who lasts long enough to finish the curriculum.
[page 6]
YOUR RESULTS:
The majority of your answers was type [*]: You are a true IMPERIO. You understand that true power lies not in obvious force but in subtle control. You prefer to orchestrate outcomes from behind the scenes, pulling strings so expertly that your puppets believe they're acting of their own free will. You're patient, strategic and deeply invested in long-term planning. However, remember that sometimes a simple, direct approach works better. You also tend to assume everyone else is as calculating as you are and end up over-complicating situations.
The majority of your answers was type [—]: You are a real CRUCIO. You are intense, passionate and committed to making sure people understand the consequences of their actions. You don't just want to win. You want everyone to know they lost and feel appropriately terrible about it. You're emotionally invested in your conflicts and believe that suffering serves a purpose—be it educational, punitive or simply cathartic. While understandable, keep in mind that your emotional intensity can work against you. Not to mention it inspires people to unite against you.
The majority of your answers was type [+]: You are an actual AVADA KEDAVRA. You are efficient, decisive and uninterested in anything that doesn't serve your objectives. Why waste time on manipulation or punishment when you can simply eliminate problems? You view emotional investment as inefficient. People either align with your goals or become irrelevant. You're not cruel—cruelty implies you care enough to inflict suffering. You simply don't care at all. This makes you either the most pragmatic person in the room or a sociopath. Possibly both. Unfortunately, your lack of emotional investment means you miss opportunities that require relationship-building or long-term trust. Also, your tendency to cut people out permanently means you burn bridges you might need later. And, you know, the whole "potential sociopath" thing.
The majority of your answers was type [?] or you do not have a clear majority: You are UNFORGIVABLE-CURSE-RESISTANT. We're sorry to say that your personality doesn't align well with any of the Unforgivable Curses, which suggests you are either remarkably well-adjusted or so chaotic that you transcend categorization. You might fantasize about control or revenge but rarely follow through. You might get angry but struggle to maintain it. You might want to cut people out but eventually soften. This makes you either admirably human or frustratingly inconsistent, depending on who's judging. The downside: your reluctance to fully embrace any particular strategy means you're often less effective than you could be. People with clearer, more committed approaches will outmaneuver you.
On the bright side, you are unlikely to end up in Azkaban, which is more than most of our readership can claim.
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This quiz is intended for entertainment and self-reflection purposes only. WEEKLY VOLDIE* does not actually endorse the use of Unforgivable Curses, which remain highly illegal and carry automatic life sentences in Azkaban (assuming you receive a trial, which is apparently optional).
If you scored high in any category, this does not mean you should actually use these curses. It means you share certain personality traits with people who would. There's a difference. Probably. Maybe.
YOUR WEEKLY HOROSCOPE
The stars have aligned in what this seer personally calls the "uh oh" configuration.
Everything is quiet. Suspiciously quiet. The kind of quiet that makes small animals hide in their burrows and sensible wixen check their wards are functioning at full capacity. Venus is in retrograde, Mars appears to be holding its breath and Mercury has gone completely still in a manner that suggests it knows something you don't.
Your instinct may be to relax. To enjoy the reprieve.
The universe strongly advises against this. Historically, periods of unusual calm at Hogwarts have preceded: troll attacks, basilisk incidents, Dementor invasions, tournament-related deaths and various other catastrophes. The pattern is consistent enough that "peaceful week at Hogwarts" should really be classified as its own form of Dark Omen.
- If you're currently opposing an increasingly authoritarian regime: The pause in escalation is not victory. It's regrouping.
- If you're plotting something dramatic: So is everyone else. Coordinate or collide.
- If you're trying to stay neutral: The universe regrets to inform you that neutrality will soon become impossible.
The Week Ahead:
Monday through Wednesday will maintain the eerie calm. Use this time wisely—practice and prepare yourself. By Thursday, the first cracks will become apparent. Friday brings confirmation that yes, something is definitely happening. Saturday and Sunday are currently obscured by what is either a malfunction in the astral plane or the universe's way of saying "you're on your own for this one".
Make of that what you will.
[page 7]
LETTERS FROM READERS
Important disclaimer: We from WEEKLY VOLDIE* do not take responsibility for the content of our readers’ letters, nor do said letters reflect our own views and opinions.
WHO THE FUCK WROTE THAT HOROSCOPE? DO YOU REALIZE I HAD A HEART ATTACK EVERY TIME POTTER TRIPPED OVER HIS OWN FEET THIS WEEK? DO. YOU.?? Also is it just me or has he gotten clumsier by the day?
I'd bet he's doing it on purpose—one particularly anxious Ravenclaw fainted that one time on Wednesday—but actually it might just be the blood loss. That would explain a lot.
—Probably a Gryffindor
Has anyone seen a pair of yellow boots with a little silver chain threaded through the left one's shoelaces? They are Luna's and have been missing for five days. She blames the nargles. Currently so do I. But if they don't show up within the next twenty-four hours in her dorm, I will take Hermione's advice and start to broaden my horizon.
—Harry
There's only a finite number Dementors around, and they're trapped on one island. Meanwhile there's countless Hufflepuffs of all ages constantly all around us willing to answer the call of a single Hufflepuff. You can kill Dementors with Fiendfyre, but you can't kill all the Hufflepuffs.
Added note: We too are unsure if Fiendfyre will kill them. It is not like the Ministry is encouraging us to find ways to kill their pet weapons.
—Black_Victor_Cachat
I would rather fight a Dementor than a Hufflepuff. I must ask an important question: How did you get in and out of Azkaban without getting caught? Professional curiosity, that’s all.
—Beautifularbiterdreamland
On one hand, a Dementor literally sucks out your soul and leaves your body an empty shell. If you are good at defensive magic or are very determined, you can learn the patronus as a defense against them.
On the other hand, Hufflepuffs are often unassuming and charming, which is great for lowering your guard and makes backstabbing more likely than from a more obvious Slytherin. Just like their spirit animal the badger, they are likely to attack you if they 'think' you are a danger to their chosen people, proof or no proof. Did you know, if a snake and a badger are fighting, the badger has the most chances of winning? Terrifying.
On that charming note, I would choose to fight a Hufflepuff. I would suffer terribly, and I may very well die. But least I would still have my soul 🤣❤️
—Reader_Iris
Editor's note: The odds of the snake do not surprise us. Your choice is also admirably mad. You do VOLDIE* proud.
Voldie, stop brooding about your appearance and just do something about it. The muggles have made great progress with plastic surgery. Yes, you can have a nose too! No need to go without. It will also help foil plans to poison you, once you can smell again.
—A helpful Ravenclaw
P.S. Potter, I have advice for you as well: what are you still doing with those ugly glasses? Get your eyes lasered. No more worries about enemies accio-ing your glasses to more easily kill you.
—MarjelleX
Editor's note: Good to know, thanks!
Just keep all your dark stuff in the secret chamber under the drawing room floor. The Ministry will never look there. And to think I actually thought I needed to get rid of The Diary.
—M.A. le Foi*
*Probably no relation with anyone named Malfoy. Probably.
Dear VOLDIE WEEKLY,
I would like to ask you about unbiased version of recent history that is Rise and Falll of The Greatest Dark Lord. Since everyone knows that winner writes history and since last war is supposedly won by Light via bizarre child magic I am sure there is a lot of misconceptions. Would you be able to do proper investigation regarding just where does the Dork Lord come from and how he climbed to top?
Let's make sure that Light cannont lie about the Greatest Dark Lard EVER.
—Amarillie
Editor's note: No promises but keep an eye out for further editions. Halloween is, after all, a time to remember.
Purely as a hypothetical scenario, if you were anonymously offered one (1) king sized bar of Honeydukes Chocolate and two (2) full bags of Eeylops Premium Owl Treats in exchange for going full exterminator-mode on a certain Loathsome Pink Toad that we all know and love to hate, would you take that offer? Hypothetically, of course.
—sincerely, an anonymous fan of your work, who really really doesn't want to fail their OWLs
Editor's note: Hypothetically speaking, absolutely.
To the WEEKLY VOLDIE*, I hope this letter finds you in good dark and gloomy health
Praise the Darkness!
Our company has never been better! With the Dilly sales booming we have finally been able to ensure that certain services, previously only possible in specific branches of our company, are now available for our dear Hogwarts residents!
Rejoice! Now you can smuggle goods, potions and (behold!) people to and from our school!
We hope that WEEKLY VOLDIE* will consider a partnership by allowing us to post a couple of adds in your newspaper.
—From Alibbi, the Ravenclaw responsible for the S.M.Ugglers cia. Branch in Hogwarts
1PS. Don't worry we (as the main Hogwarts Black Market supplier) will never have thoughts towards the more Light side of politics. Nor will we push for our adds to be put inside of the newspaper.
2PS. Don't even joke brother. At the very least I know how to defend myself against the Dementors, they have a clear weakness. On the other hand, here at the company we also do cleaning crime scenes jobs, boy when I tell you that more than half of those commissions come from the Puffers, you will think I'm joking.
S.M.Ugglers cia - For when you need something with no questions asked
Editor's note: We might be interested in your services, I'm sure we could make a deal. Owl us your proposal.
Have you guys ever thought about including a puzzle section/crossword? Maybe once a month if it’s too much to do weekly. I bet that’s one way to get a certain friend away from the ledge of a mental breakdown. It won’t save us all, but having a harmless puzzle to solve that will not determine her or her friends survival might be enrichment for her. I bet you’d have a lot of fun with the crossword clues.
—mushroomcircles
Editor's note: That is at once a brilliant idea and a potential new rabbit hole certain of our reporters may never recover from. Which of course adds to the charm.
THERE IS A LOCAL BLACK MARKET??? HOW THE FUCK DID I NOT KNOW THAT????? For real? It's led by Hufflepuffs, isn't it.
—K
READER’S CHOICE
Last week’s vote: Decide for yourself whom you'd rather fight: A DEMENTOR [caricature of a shabby black cloak with several holes in it] or A HUFFLEPUFF [drawing of a smiling, vaguely familiar person you do not recognize but know to be charming, hard-working and very pleasant]?
Result: A clear majority [73%] has chosen to fight DEMENTORS over HUFFLEPUFFS [27%] proving that over a fourth of our readership should rethink their relationship with their self-preservation instincts.
This week: Decide for yourself what you'd rather be: an AZKABAN INMATE [caricature of a tiny grey square titled 'Your cell'] or HOGWARTS' NEXT DADA PROFESSOR [drawing of a stick figure in front of a black board]?
OWL US YOUR VOTE UNTIL THE END OF THE WEEK!
[page 8]
Dolores was at the end of her patience.
A virtue she did, admittedly, not excel in even on her best days. Which this one was not. It had been quite a while since Dolores had enjoyed one of those. Possibly not since the day Minister Fudge had honored her with the well-deserved—not to mention dearly necessary—title of Hogwarts' first ever High Inquisitor. When the minister had suggested it, Dolores had been delighted to become his eyes and voice inside the walls of Hogwarts. As valuable as she was at Cornelius' side, finally gaining a foothold in the school that had long resisted even the Ministry's most reasonable suggestions and ensuring that the future generation would grow into the right sort of witches and wizards was far more important.
An action long overdue, if Dolores was honest with herself.
Why, just two years ago the Ministry's lack of oversight had resulted in a werewolf getting hired. As a professor. A werewolf.
It was no wonder so many of the poor children failed to grasp even the most basic understanding of magical theory, what with having been exposed to these horrifying influences at such an impressionable age. They would be lucky if even a third of the student body would pass their end-of-year-exams. And that wasn't even touching on the utter embarrassment that had been last year's events. The Triwizard Tournament, meant to show off Britain's excellence and obvious superiority to the rest of magical Europe, even if none had ever phrased it as such, had instead ended with Hogwarts' true champion dead and Harry Potter usurping not just Diggory but the Ministry, what with the all the questions and ridicule his scandalous participation had earned them.
On top of that entire mess, the boy had then dared to claim that You-Know-Who was back. In front of the spectators and, worse, the reporters no less! Thank Merlin Cornelius had had the sense to shuffle the boy out of the public's eye and set things to right.
Of course Diggory's death was a tragedy—no doubt he had an ill-fated run-in with one of those creatures the Tournament's organizers had seen it fit to involve, as though beings incapable of even wielding a wand had any place in such a glamorous event. It really was too bad that Dolores hadn't had the foresight to insist on more insight into the Committee's planning. No doubt things would have run smoother with the capable hands of grown witches and wizards guiding the competition to the proper conclusion.
Alas, there was no use to cry over spilled Veritaserum.
Cornelius had seen reason in the aftermath of that international disaster—and Dolores had had a very clear idea of exactly what was going on at Hogwarts. After all, self-important as the Potter boy was—and it galled her to think about how far Wizarding Britain had fallen in the past decade, revering a child that could at best be called a half-blood—it was unlikely that he had thought up that whole You-Know-Who nonsense on his own.
No, Dolores had known exactly whom to blame for such an outrageous lie. Dumbledore.
An old man long past his prime, who had grown far too comfortable with a level of influence he had done little to earn and less to use for the sort of drastic measures their country desperately needed if they wanted to preserve their proud legacy. Who had opposed long-overdue reforms again and again, no matter how necessary they had proved themselves to be. On the grounds of morality—as though you could reason with a raving creature out for your blood! As if half-breeds and muggleborn had the right to walk through the same halls their own people did, her ancestors had built and fought and died for.
It was pathetic.
Just the thought of it ignited a familiar spark of fury. Thankfully Dolores was used to controlling her less pleasant emotions and pouring them into something worthwhile. Like her twenty-seventh draft of a proposal to bar any non-humans—barring house elves, whom, while certainly lesser beings, did have their uses serving proper magical families, from any public location real magical folk frequented. So far, her forward-thinking suggestions had been rejected every time, but Dolores knew that if she just found the right way to phrase it, a sufficient majority of the Wizengamot would eagerly pass it.
It would be yet another victory over Dumbledore. Perhaps she would even find a legitimate reason to evict him from the school while she was at it.
Dolores was certain that many of her current struggles would solve themselves with the might of the Headmistress title and the school wards behind her. For one thing, there would be no way for that... that... that insult to common decency parading around as a newspaper to find a way in the hands of far too many students.
With how publicly new versions of the disgusting rag spread over the entire castle like a deadly disease week after week, there was no doubt in her mind that Dumbledore was if not outright pushing it then at least facilitating its distribution. Dolores hoped the Headmaster was personally involved though. It would make it far easier to get rid off him once she could prove it.
Or found someone believable enough to claim as such. With how short Cornelius' fuse was these days, that might be enough.
In any case, when the damn paper had made its first appearance, Dolores hadn't been worried. Disgusted, yes. Annoyed, also yes. Satisfied that the Potter boy—who had been far too well-behaved during her first couple of lessons, and to think she had almost been willing to write him off as another disillusioned victim of Dumbledore's whims willing to learn better—had handed her the perfect excuse to ensure he understood that his days of running the school unopposed where over? Absolutely, yes.
But worried? About a pathetic pamphlet that had obviously been created by attention-seeking delinquents with too much free time on their hands?
Ridiculous. It was precisely the sort of ill-thought-out, juvenile nuisance one had to expect from students suffering a lack of discipline and proper moral guidance. Dolores had simply taken it as more evidence that Hogwarts' students desperately needed direction in the form of a firm authority figure to show them the error of their way. Once they experienced appropriate consequences, the silly phase would pass in no time. And Cornelius would have one more reason to be impressed by her efficiency and dedication.
So Dolores had done her level-best to block any access to the terrible material and crack down on its creators swiftly and uncompromisingly.
Unfortunately, her actions had not been as successful as she had expected.
For one thing, no matter how many searches she conducted and how carefully she guarded the exit of the Great Hall after another delivery had arrived, some issues always slipped through her grasp. It didn't help that the silly magazine seemed capable of tempting even properly-raised, usually well-behaved magical children into mischief. The relaxed air of other professors complicated things further. While none of them voiced their support for the pamphlet—had they done so, Dolores would have immediately sacked them but alas—and did in fact make their rightful disapproval known, all too often it fell on Dolores alone to return order and collect the offensive papers.
Truly, what had this place been like before her arrival? Dolores dared not to imagine.
For another, no matter how many detentions she handed out to the Potter boy in particular and the rest of the more problematic students in general, the children refused to stop. This last week Potter had spent every evening in her office, writing lines under her watchful eyes and it had not changed a thing. The Great Hall had been plastered with new pamphlets, each headline more insulting than the last.
Even just a couple of weeks ago, Dolores had been outraged. Increasingly frustrated with the utter lack of repentance, not to mention the cheerful disregard for her words, demands and even threats. It was as though her authority, recognized even by Dumbledore and especially by the Ministry and the Board of Directors, meant nothing.
Dolores hated it. It made her feel like she was fourteen again, pretending not to listen to a couple of Ministry workers make snide comments about her father.
She was no longer that girl. She was a strong, lauded witch with a respectable position and she would make the students see it. All of them. Especially Potter.
The last issues, the most recent one especially, had changed something though. Not that Dolores wasn't still angry—if anything she was incandescent—because she was. However. With every sad imitation of a critical opinion piece, the facade had grown thinner. As Dolores spread out the latest paper in front of her, she could not help but admit, if only to herself, that she had made a mistake.
She had underestimated Dumbledore.
With how painfully insolent the supposed newspaper had been, it had not occurred to Dolores to see it as anything more than a silly prank done in particularly ill-taste and judgement. Dumbledore must have predicted that. Must have counted on blinding her with the insulting name that no sane witch or wizard would ever believe a wizard of Dumbledore's caliber—overrated reputation or not—would ever stoop to.
And she had fallen right into his trap. Had discounted the newspaper as the work of a couple of misguided, potentially mentally-ill students in need of what structure and help she could provide. Thus, she had failed to recognize the publication for what it really was, what this latest edition wasn't even trying to hide to be: a coordinated propaganda campaign designed to undermine the Ministry's authority as well as her own vital work at Hogwarts.
Some children, the Potter boy for one, were undoubtedly involved but the implications went far beyond what a couple of bored teenagers would be capable of. No. This was Dumbledore, using misguided children as puppets as was typical for the detestable man to spread his dangerous lies and supposed "knowledge" of You-Know-Who's return. More importantly, he was spreading seditious material designed specifically to sabotage her own painstaking efforts to bring order and proper oversight into these walls.
This was much worse than simple rule-breaking. It was an active attempt to destabilize the government. Starting at Hogwarts, to then no doubt spread beyond the school's influence.
Except it wouldn't. Dolores would make sure of it.
She would put an end to this. Her misjudgement had led to their current situation and now impressionable children, not to mention her reputation, were paying the price. It was time to take this threat seriously. To deal with the nefarious publication—and Dumbledore by association—once and for all.
And Dolores knew exactly where to start.
After all, Potter, for all that the boy drove her mad with his blind loyalty to Dumbledore and his unapologetic refusal to see reason, was hardly working alone. If he refused to bend, then she would find someone who would.