Work Text:
Go ahead and cry little girl
Nobody does it like you do
I know how much it matters to you
I know that you got daddy issues
Squidward woke up, sighing depressedly before he even opened his eyes. His pillow was wet - not with tears, he just lives underwater. He got up sadly and put on his favourite brown polo shirt miserably. Another day of his genius going ignored in this shithole midwest small town. He went to the mirror and put black eyeliner thick around his eyes and turned on his record player, sighing as I’m Not Okay (I Promise) flooded through the room. Gerard Way was the best clarinet player in the whole world - but Squidward knew he could play better, one day. He lifted his trusty clarient, covered with Paramore and Fall Out Boy stickers, and brought it softly and slowly to his lips.
Just as the pure righteous music was about to emanate from his sturdy rod of art, he was interrupted by a loud, obnoxious horn that shook the very foundation of his home. He grimaced, and then slowly groaned.
Spongebob.
He peeked out of his window to see the gargantuan pineapple that the sea sponge called a home jumping and vibrating with the force of his alarm clock.
“Spongebob! Will you please keep it down? Some of us are trying to nurture our genius!” He yelled out, anger burning through him. But of course, all that anger burned away the moment he saw him .
His square head, that was also his body, peeked out of the bedroom window, and his smile cast rainbows and sunshine into Squidwards cold, aching heart. His eyes, big and blue as the sky, framed with long, luxurious lashes, looked at him with such undeserved and unrestrained kindness it infuriated him. And his laugh, god his laugh. It made Squidward dizzy as endorphins flooded his cold, dead body.
“Good morning, Squidward! Are you excited for work today?” Spongebob chimed, unnerved by Squidward's sour mood, as he always was. Squidward blushed furiously, and instantly deflected.
“Why on earth would I be excited about another day in a dead end job, working under a narcissistic cheapskate and next to an idiotic invertebrate?!” The words, though they held heat as he said them, were meaningless. Trully, working with Spongebob was the highlight of his day. Spongebob gasped, mock offended.
“Squidward! We’re both invertebrates!” He sang again, before he dove back into his home, humming as he went. Squidward rubbed a tentacle along his soft, boneless back. Oh, yeah.
He sighed and stared at himself back in the mirror, taking his Krusty Krab baseball cap and dipping it low over his eyes. Time for work.
It was a couple days later at the Krusty Krab, and it had been a pretty average day, meaning that Spongebob was lost in his usual fantasies. Today he was convinced that people he knew were robots, after a night of terrors over some lame horror movie. He rolled his eyes so hard he feared they would become stuck, and he’d be forced to look at his own deep, dark, twisted mind. His mind was scarier than any horror movie anyways. He wasn’t so into “””Modern””” horror. Everyone knew The Nightmare Before Christmas was the best horror movie ever made. He sighed. The normies would never understand it.
But Spongebob had lost himself to this delusion, and it broke Squidwards heart to see his neighbor so troubled - not that he’d ever tell him that. Squidward had been inclined to ignore him until suddenly he had been pounced upon. Spongebob clung to him, breathing heavily and shaking like a leaf, his eyes pooling with tears.
“Oh, Squidward, it’s terrible! M-Mr Krabs...talking to radio...beeping sounds...strange dancing... robot .” He gasped out, the panicked litany interspersed with heavy breathing. The rush of human contact, combined with the shock of being faced with such open vulnerability, made Squidwards stomach flip and his heart do death drops. He lifted the shorter man off the ground, shrugging away the rush of...ugh... feelings , and scoffed.
“That’s great, Spongebob. Why don’t you work on this problem back in the kitchen? ” He stressed sarcastically, tossing the blue eyed twink back behind the grill through the service window. He allowed himself a moment to laugh, his nose wrinkling as he did. That would show him - he was to cool for emotions, too cool for paranoia and fear. The further away he kept spongebob, the easier it would be for him to keep that kind of thing in check.
But it would seem the young sponge would defy the laws of physics and continuity to break past Squidwards barriers.
Like Christ from his tomb, Spongebob rose from the depths of the cashier boat, and continued as if nothing had happened.
“I’m serious Squidward! Mr Krabs is a robot, and I can prove it too!” He continued, determined to defy logic. Squidward looked about for any way he could have managed it, at a loss for words.
“How did you-” he croaked out, flabbergasted.
“Let’s see,” continued Spongebob, undeterred, “in the movie the robots didn’t have a sense of humour! They couldn’t laugh! Hey, Mr Krabs!” He called out, jovially. Squidward groaned internally. The last thing he needed was to see his boss any more than was professionally necessary.
“What is it, boy?” Eugine Krabs replied, scuttling over impatiently.
“Squidward just told me a hilarious joke and I thought you might like to hear it!” He said, encouragingly. Squidward felt his heart warm...Spongebob thought he was funny? Mr Krabs looked unimpressed.
“Is it true Squidward? Is it hilarious?” His boss said, completely deadpan.
“Um...uh...sure.” He said, shrugging noncommittally. He wasn’t about to indulge Spongebob in this delusion, even if Spongebob did think he was funny and did have a beautiful charming laugh and did have mesmerising eyes.
“Well, let’s hear it, lad.” The crustaceous cheapskate said with a small smile of encouragement.
“Okay, here it goes! I-uh...how’d it go Squidward?” Spongebob stuttered, turning to him with those pleading pools of atlantic blue.
Oh frick, Squidward mused, I’m really in it now. His social anxiety reared its ugly head and he could feel salty sweat mix in with the rest of the salty water that he breathed in constantly.
“Ha ha...uh...it went um...uh...let’s see uh...why couldn’t the eleven year old get into the pirate movie?” Yes, Squidward thought, this was bound to do it. This joke never failed. He was the best comedian in the ocean, nay, the world.
“Why?” Mr Krabs questioned.
“It was rated ‘Arr’!” He cried. He laughed, throwing his head back and slapping his knee. Yes, this joke had let out something in him. He was alive for the first time. So this is what ‘happiness’ is, he thought.
He realised no one else was laughing.
“Because...it’s about...pirates?” He explained, wiping tears from his eyes, a nervous, wonky smile planted on his face. Mr Krabs just stared at him, cold and blank. Not unlike a robot would.
“I’m not paying you to do stand-up Mr Squidward!” He flinched. God, he hated that name. Mr Squidward had been his fath- “Now get back to work!” He finished, before walking off, leaving a defeated Squidward and a terrified Spongebob, who gasped.
“Not even a chuckle! See Squidward, he didn’t laugh because he couldn’t laugh because he’s... a robot… ”
“There’s a logical explanation for why he didn’t laugh, Spongebob!” He snapped, logic always being something safe to fall back on. “He’s obviously heard it before. The only reason you think Krabs is a robot is because you watched that stupid movie! Now why don’t you-”
“Hey, Mr Krabs!” Spongebob cried out again, undeterred.
“What! What is it, boy?” Eugine shouted, hurrying back to the till. Spongebob’s eyes suddenly went wide, and filled to the brim with tears.
“Squidward's father...never hugged him.” He said with a shaky voice, pointing a trembling finger towards Squidward, and then doubled over when the emotion became too much. “Isn’t that sad ?”
Squidward froze, shell-shocked.
How had he known ?
“Yes, I suppose that is rather sad, but Squidward can hug himself during his break! Now get back to work!”
With that Mr Krabs stormed off again, and Squidward crossed his arms around himself defensively.
“Just like the robot in the movie, he couldn’t cry either!” Spongebob explained. Just like me , Squidward thought idly to himself.
“Spongebob, this is getting ridiculous!” He roared. “I’ll have you know my father loved me very much!”
But as he said the words, he knew them to be a lie.
- Flashback-
Young Squidward had come back home, his first ever recorder held firmly in his hand. He couldn’t wait to show his daddy the new song he had learned today. As he threw open the front door, he heard the sound he hated most of all.
“Number One Victory Royale!”
Sat in front of the television, headset on and controller firmly in hand, was his father, Mr Squidward Tentacles Sr. He yelled a victory whoop, as his online character flossed to celebrate his victory. His father loved Fortnite, the most popular game in all aquatic history, more than anything else in the world, and he knew that for a fact. Before young Squidward could even get a word in edgeways, his father was searching for a new match online.
“Daddy, daddy, look! I got-”
“Don’t call me that!” His father snapped, not turning to look at him. “You address me as ShadowRougeFan69 in this household and nothing else!”
“Yes, of course! Sorry, ShadowRougeFan69. Can I show you something?”
“Can it wait?” He replied impatiently, selecting his favourite map which was tilted towers because he was an alpha male gamer.
“I...I suppose so.” Squidward said, his face falling.
“Why don’t you go play Animal Crossing or something you beta orbiter?” His father said, laughing cruelly. “You’ll never be man enough or alpha enough to handle a real game like fortnite!”
Young Squidward turned and ran up the stairs, tears falling and mixing with the fucking ocean because literally everywhere is salt water. In the safety of his room, he sighed and gazed up adoringly at his Tails the Fox poster. His father didn’t know he had it up there, he insisted Tails was a weak beta. He took out his clarinet, and gently played the soothing melody of the Green Hill Zone theme.
-Present Day-
The situation at work had, of course, descended into panic but, surprise surprise, Krabs wasn’t a robot.
But now, Squidward wasn’t so sure about himself.
He lay on his bed as Dear Maria, Count Me In by All Time Low blasted from his record player. He was sure Spongebob had just been joking, it had all just been a ruse to see if Krabs could cry or not. Because who wouldn’t cry at his situation? Who wouldn’t shed a tear for poor little Squidward whose father was busy getting turnt at Moisty Mires and getting all those V-Bucks to hug him or listen to him play the Doctor Who opening credits song on his clarinet? He sighed.
He knew he had to see him.
He walked out of his house, checking his polo shirt and flawless eyeliner on the way out, humming the tune to All Star by Smash Mouth on his way - it was his power anthem, and he was going to need it.
It was a short walk to Spongebob’s place, and it was all too soon before he raised a shaky tentacle to knock on the door. Spongebob answered almost immediately, dressed down for the evening in a pair of lounge square pants. He smiled softly at the sight of his friend.
“Squidward! I wasn’t expecting you.” Spongebob said softly, genuine delight and excitement in his eyes. Squidward laughed nervously, looking down at the ground.
“Heh, yeah I suppose I just wanted to come by to visit...if that’s okay?” He asked, nervously.
“Yes, of course, come on in!” Spongebob said, moving aside so as to welcome Squidward into his space. Spongebob’s place was pretty nice, especially considering he was a fry cook at a fast food restaurant. There was a dead fish mounted on the wall, but Squidward honestly thought it was pretty emo and he nodded in approval. “Let me just go get us some drinks.” He said, closing the door behind Squidward and walking past him to the kitchen.
Squidward took a seat on the nautically themed couch and took in his surroundings. The walls were about garishly coloured for his tastes, but everything just exuded happiness and light , just like Spongebob did. Then, his eyes wandered to a corner of the room where he saw something black, which stood out from the pastel colours. As he got closer to it, he realised it was a group of people he recognised very well.
“My Chemical Romance?!” He cried out in surprise. Surely enough, it was a still of them from the music video to Helena. So often Squidward had fantasised that he was Helena, being carried off in his coffin by Gerard Way himself. His father had foolishly insisted that Gerard Way was a soyboy beta male, but Squidward knew he was special.
He heard a gasp, and he turned around to see Spongebob, having emerged from the kitchen with two empty glasses because they’re already filled with water because literally everywhere is water, was standing in the doorway, starry-eyed.
“ You like My Chemical Romance ?” Spongebob asked, voice pitched high with excitement!
“Of course!” Squidward chimed. “My favourite album is-”
“Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge!” They both said in unison. They laughed nervously.
“I’ve always been an MCR fan.” Spongebob explained. “Used to drive my mom crazy with it! Did you ever have that problem?”
-Flashback-
“It’s over!” Squidward's mother declared, moving all of her suitcases (filled to the brim with yaoi manga) to the front door.
“Ugh, this is so typical! The minute women get involved with feminism, they just abandon their wifely duties. How are my and the kid supposed to eat?” Squidward’s father said, still not looking away from the television as he really played the heck out of some fortnite.
“Oh, get a cheeky nandos, Squidward! You sure were cheeky enough to cheat on me with your minecraft girlfriend Gam3rGuRL420!” She spat back at him.
“Yeah, well at least she understands my needs as an Alpha male, Susan!” Susan Tentacles chuckled under her breath as she opened the door that she would walk out of for the last time.
“I did marry a man, Squidward. But I didn’t marry a... gamer. ”
With that, she left, oozing suitcase in each hand as got into the front seat of a shiny Mercedes GLA. Behind the wheel was Lord Herbert Laming, British social worker and member of the House of Lords.
“Where to now, babe?” He said seductively, winking at least five times in sequence. She smiled.
“Anywhere. We’re in the endgame now.”
-Present day-
“Not really, no.” Squidward confessed, scratching the back of his head nervously, chuckling to himself. He blushed with embarrassment seeing his nose crinkle up as it always did.
“You know, I think it’s so cute when you do that.” Spongebob said, smoothly. Squidward had just realised how close together they were sitting now.
“Do...what?” He replied, nervously.
“When your nose crinkles like that, when you laugh…” Spongebob noted absentmindedly, as his finger traced the length of Squidward's long, drooping nose. He blushed, and turned away, but Spongebob placed his fingers underneath his friends chin and guided his face back up so he could look him in the eye. “Squid...why did you come over today?” He sighed. Better get it out now.
“I...what you said today...about my father...did you mean it?” He asked, cautiously. Spongebob took his fingers away suddenly.
“Why? Was it true?”
“...Essentially, yes.”
“Oh Squid, I’m so sorry. I never meant to upset you I promise, I just panicked because Mr Krabs could have been a robot and you could have been in danger and-”
“Wait... I could have been in danger?” Squidward questioned. Spongebob frowned.
“Well, of course! If Mr Krabs really was an emotionless robot, we’d all be in danger!” Squidward sighed.
“Sometimes...sometimes I worry that I’m an emotionless robot. That I’m a beta orbiter cuck, just like my dad always said.” He mumbled, looking at his knees. God, why was he telling his neighbor all of this? He felt a strong hand rest on his shoulder.
“From little seeds, mighty trees will grow.” Spongebob said, wisely.
“Who said that?” Squidward asked. Spongebob scoffed.
“Well, of course many people attribute it to great minds like Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr or Jeremy Turner. But it was actually first said by Miles “Tails” Prower The Fox.” Squidward's heart stopped. So, this is what true love feels like.
Before he knew it, they were kissing.
Spongebobs and his tongue fought for dominance, and he felt Spongebob’s hand fumble for his phone so he could start playing “Lying Is The Only Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off” through the bluetooth speakers. He tasted like jellyfish jelly, bubble soap and fryer fat, and in that moment Squidward had never tasted anything so perfect. His tentacles floated over Spongebob’s head, dipping into every nook and cranny, every hole or imperfection on his spongy surface. It was all imperfectly perfect.
The broke off from the kiss, gasping for water as Brendon Urie killed it on the vocal front.
“W-wait Spongebob, we shouldn’t do this, I-I mean I have such bad daddy issues and I’ll be such a burden and-”
Spongebob laughed that intoxicating laugh, and gently took squidwards head in his hands and looked into his eyes.
“Don’t you realise Squidward? I’m your daddy now.”
FIN