Chapter Text
I think I'm gonna win this time
I roll and I roll, 'til I change my luck
The sound through the flimsy door was muted, but he could almost feel it like a physical force, pressing on him, threatening to break through and swallow him whole. The restless tap tap tap of his own foot wasn’t helping, nerves seeming to surge through his body in pulses that made him slightly sick to his stomach.
The temporary dressing room added to the sudden feeling of something that he couldn’t name. The walls were bare, an off white sectioned with metal that reminded him that he wasn’t home, wasn’t where he wanted to be right in this very moment.
He was ready for this, more than. He’d been wanting this for years, been fighting for it the entire time until he’d almost worn himself down, but just in this moment, he needed to feel grounded.
He knew what he needed, and it was a harsh realisation to think that maybe he’d never have it again, that maybe he was about to ruin everything by admitting, live to thousands of people, that they’d been right all along.
Well, almost.
Their fans had gotten a substantial amount correct; the relationships that were faked, the two of them being kept apart by their management for being too close, too affectionate, the social media control and all the stories planted in the papers in their attempts to ruin them. Most of all though, there had been people who had always known that the overwhelming feeling of love, passion, commitment, and home was there all along.
They just hadn’t known it was one sided.
He sighed, jolting slightly in the flimsy chair when his phone vibrated harshly on the plastic table, shocking him enough that he almost knocked the whole thing over. He swore, scrambling to pick up his phone as it kept going, and when he realised who it was, who was trying to call him at a time when he was a split second from passing out, everything lifted, and he took a deep breath.
“Haz.”
Even in the dim light of his phone screen, sitting in what he knew to be Harry’s lounge room with tired eyes and hair falling softly around his face, Harry was exactly what he needed.
Just like he knew he would be.
“Lou! How are you feeling? You look fit.”
It startled a laugh out of Louis now that his chest felt free enough for movement, and he grinned, leaning forward to carefully balance his phone against a water bottle.
“Hi, love.” He could see his own face soften in the corner of the screen, desperately holding in his eye roll as he folded his hands in front of him. “Your timing was perfect.”
Harry snorted, shifting on screen, and Louis could see the rainbow ‘Treat People With Kindness' embroidered across his hoodie. He shot a quick glance at the matching one stuffed in his open duffel.
“What, you think I don’t know you well enough to know the exact timeframe before a concert that you feel like you’ll vomit? Give me some credit.”
Louis heard the knocking at the door, but he ignored it in favour of staring at his best friend through the slightly pixelated stream. His best friend for the last 9 years, his favourite person in the world, the love of his life.
A feeling that wasn’t returned, no matter how much Louis wished it could be.
Best friends had always been enough.
“Maybe we need to spend less time together, then,” he shot back, but his grin rivalled Harry’s before he watched his bottom lip jut out in a pout.
He only had so much self-control though, and it was the only sliver of time during the entire day that he’d been glad Harry wasn’t there. It was hard enough not to kiss him on a normal day, no matter where they were; in Harry’s kitchen when he laughed with his head thrown back, at Louis’ house after Harry left some kind of bullshit, high class event and all Louis wanted to do was ruin every Gucci suit he owned so he’d have nothing to wear, or at a restaurant, hidden in the back as Harry smirked over a glass of wine, lips wine stained and infuriating.
“If we spent any less time together, we’d hardly see each other.”
“We see each other so often that I’m surprised you’re not sick of me, darling,” Louis mused, calling out when he heard another knock. He waved when Liam slipped into the room before he turned back to Harry. “Are you gonna watch?”
“Wouldn’t miss it, Lou. I’ve already got a live stream up, see?” Harry turned his phone around to show the video streaming on his flat screen, and Louis felt almost home sick at the sight.
He grinned at Harry as Liam came up behind him. “I don’t go on for a while, you know.”
“I didn’t want to risk it.”
Louis’ heart leapt into his throat, but Liam saved the moment before it could strangle the noise threatening to escape.
“Harry! How are you, mate?” Liam’s hands clasped down on Louis’ shoulders, squeezing reassuringly, but Louis was a bit too far gone now.
“Hey Payno,” Harry grinned, waving through the screen. “Hope you’re looking after him.”
Louis tuned out slightly as they chatted, his fingers running absentmindedly over the 28 tattooed on his hand. He’d had to lie earlier, a standard reason why he had the numbers there, but no one needed to know the real reason, not even Harry. Kiwi playing over the speakers hadn’t helped keep him still, though.
“Alright Haz, sorry but I gotta take him from ya.” Liam’s voice was suddenly jarring, his fingers digging into Louis’ shoulder, and Louis frowned when it hit him that maybe this was it.
It might be the last time Harry would talk to him without some kind of awkward tension or silence, the last time he’d get to see him smile or giggle in a way that was purely for Louis. All terrifying possibilities the moment Harry took one second to listen to the lyrics he’d written just for him.
“Lou? You okay? I’m so proud of you.”
He sounded almost choked up when he spoke, Louis knew he did, but there was nothing to be done now. “Yeah, love. I’m okay.” He smiled, but he noticed Harry’s eyebrows lift when it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’ll talk to you after, yeah? Love you.”
Liam’s sharp intake of breath was obvious, sudden in the stillness of the conversation, but if Harry heard it or noticed the different tone in Louis’ voice, the sincere way he said it, he didn’t mention it.
“I love you too. We’ll talk later, I’ll call you straight after, I promise. Just breathe, Lou, and everything will be perfect.”
Well. It was easy for Harry to think that when he had no idea what was coming.
As soon as he was gone, Louis’ phone screen went black once more, and Liam pulled up the second chair and sat right across from him.
“You sure about this, Tommo?”
“Positive. It’s been long enough.”
“Even though it could change everything?”
“Especially then.” Louis’ fingers were fidgeting now, twisting slightly in his lap.
Liam was studying him carefully, his expression cautious. “And Harry? You’re ready for him to know?”
Louis stares at the rope inked into his wrist as his thumb rubbed over it soothingly. “It’s been long enough,” he repeated.
“Good. Let’s go, mate.”
Louis stood up, hands shaking slightly as he fiddled with his collar before Liam reached out to fix it for him. Everything seemed slightly numb as they walked backstage, and they stood in silence while they waited. Louis looked up to see Liam smiling down at his phone, could hear the screams of the crowd, and before he could thank him for being there, it was time, and Louis was drifting towards the stage.
Right, then.
Now or never, he supposed.
He let himself drown in the screams of the crowd, the adrenaline starting in his toes until he was bouncing where he stood. It could’ve been overwhelming, should’ve been, but then his wandering eyes fell on something he’d wished desperately would be here.
A rainbow flag.
It wasn’t just a rainbow flag, though. Even in the sly glance he’d taken, the white writing had stood out as clear as anything.
HOME.
He closed his eyes, opened his mouth, and let himself think of Harry.