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Soulmates were not uncommon in this day and age; people knew about them and expected them. They could even long for them, since a vast majority of them met soon into their teens or early adult life. The way they knew who was their soulmate could vary: first words they would say to you branded somewhere on your body, only seeing in black and white until you touched each other, hearing the song they were singing in your head, etc. It was easier for some to find their other halves when it was a physical mark, but even then, it could be tricky for both parties to understand they were soulmates.
Take Merlin, for example.
His mark was not that common, but it wasn’t unheard of. He had a Song, written on the pale skin above his ribs. He knew every word by heart now, since he looked at it so much when it appeared. Absent mindedly, he raised his hand to them but stopped short of his skin, shaking his head.
Merlin knew whose Song was written on his skin.
Doesn’t mean it didn’t break his heart knowing the person it belonged to would never hear it. Or lest he died, which he didn’t think as much as before since he found them.
The funny (or deadly, depending of your age) thing about the Song is that if you sang it to your soulmate before the age of 21, the words would turn golden with light and stay that way until you died. That’s what his mother had told him when he first got his Song, at 14 years old.
Seven years. Seven little meaningless years to find the other half of your soul, to be with them, happy and all that for eternity until death tear us apart. Wonderful, isn’t it?
Not really. There was a downside to the Song. As there was for a lot of other soul marks, but none he knew about had that much of a downside.
If he sang it to his other half after he was 21, the words wouldn’t be the only thing to turn to light. His whole being would and he would vanish. Vanish, like dying, like he was never there.
When he learned about it the first time, he wasn’t so sad about it. Life hadn’t always been fair to Merlin: with his gangly form and weird ears, he had his share of bullying and pranks being pulled on him. However, when he met him… Well, he kinda stopped thinking about blades and swan diving.
***
Arthur was something else.
Bright, loud, cheery and a divine light by himself, he brought Merlin into that light so fast he couldn’t look at him at first.
He was always there, talking about non-sensical things and deep ones, always asking Merlin for his opinions on those matters. Even if Merlin could only stutter and babble (you can’t say anything, you’re stupid, he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say) he listened and took what he said to heart.
He fell without meaning too; after all, Arthur didn’t want his soulmate.
***
They had this conversation a while after they met. They were both sitting on each end of the couch at Arthur’s house, both doing their own homework. Bored, Merlin looked around the living room and saw only pictures of Arthur and his father. Both of them in what seemed like a boat on translucent waters, another one with a much younger Arthur with a baseball bat and a bit of mud on his cheek, grinning at the camera with a small trophy in his other hand and another of them smiling at the camera, hanging arms around each other.
‘Arthur, where’s your father soulmate?”
And oh, how he wished he hadn’t asked when he saw the way Arthur froze. The blond boy raised his head and looked straight into Merlin’s eyes.
‘He thought she was the one. They had matching marks; but one day she saw someone else and… they weren’t soulmates anymore.’
He turned his head to look at one of the pictures, frowning.
‘He tries to make me believe he isn’t angry or hurt because of this, but he was betrayed. I don’t want to meet any soulmate of mine if it can end this way.’
The way he said soulmate was full of venom, like he couldn’t hate a word more than this one. Merlin was taken aback, he didn’t think such a thing to be possible. His mother had lost her soulmate, but they had been soulmates. Losing him had brought her into deep depression, but knowing she had Merlin, the last thing who could bring her close to her lost love, pulled her out of it with some work. They’d been as close as they could after that rough patch.
‘…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. S-sorry.’ Mumbled Merlin, afraid he had broken what little friendship they had built in the last two years.
Arthur shrugged, smiling at Merlin.
‘You couldn’t have known; I don’t talk about it willingly. I’m kinda surprised it took you that much time to ask about it. Must be because you’re not so bright, yeah?’
Merlin started spluttering, saying he didn’t want to intrude, that it was not something he could’ve asked Uther, so he couldn’t have known… Arthur only threw his head back and laugh, smile bright and no hard feelings taken against Merlin. The black-haired man couldn’t help but chuckle a bit, blue eyes twinkling.
When he came back home that night, he was happy of how his day had been. Even after his misstep, Arthur didn’t mind and they had fun. Going to the bathroom to take a shower before going to bed, he traced his words and thought about them. Suddenly, his hand stopped.
No. No, no nononono- It COULDN’T be…
He knew whose Song was on his ribs.
He looked into his own eyes in the mirror. And couldn’t stop the tears that escaped.
Because Arthur didn’t want his soulmate.
***
Time passed, they graduated high school together, deciding on rooming together for university. Arthur wanted to become a business man, following his father steps. Merlin was more interested in becoming a teacher. He liked when people’s eyes brightened when they understood something knew; why not use this as a career path? Arthur shrugged his shoulders when he told him so, saying ‘I’m not even surprised; you could stay and learn yourself in books for years if no one interrupted you’. To which Merin only huffed and said ‘Prat’ with a little smile.
Being friends was enough for Merlin. Knowing that’s what he would always have with Arthur, he took it greedily. He told himself if it was the both of them against the world, they could do anything. He hid his mark, which wasn’t so hard with where it was, but still being careful about it. He wasn’t about to make his friendship with Arthur crash because of some measly words when he was okay with how things were.
So, he was happy for a while with what he had with his soulmate, even though this soulmate didn’t know who they were to him. His 21st birthday came and passed, and he watched as his words began to fade to a lighter grey. If they were to come to light now, it would be for a brief moment. A moment that would end Merlin’s life. He wasn’t selfish enough to want this anymore. But it broke his heart knowing they would never be golden.
***
Someday, Arthur talked to him about meeting someone. Merlin’s heart ached, but he smiled crookedly and asked about them.
‘Oh, she’s so sweet Merlin! She knows what she wants in life, she’s so beautiful and intelligent’ Arthur almost swooned. Merlin struggled to swallow.
‘And you don’t know the best part!’ Said Arthur with the brightest smile. ‘She doesn’t have a soulmate!’
Merlin could only blink. Someone who didn’t have a soulmate. He tilted his head and opened his mouth to ask, but Arthur was going again.
‘She was born without any mark; she never heard any song in her head, she sees all colours around… No soulmate!’ He said, laughing and smiling.
Only Arthur could be this happy about someone not having a soulmate. Merlin blinked rapidly to keep his tears at bay. He has a wobbly (please stay strong) smile in Arthur direction and said:
‘I’m happy for you, Arthur. She seems wonderful.’
And wonderful she really was. She was gentle, but could keep her own in an argument. She was funny and even Merlin couldn’t find anything about Gwen not to like. She didn’t even talk about Merlin and Arthur’s close relationship; she just took it in strides.
She was amazing. And that broke Merlin’s heart. But he couldn’t say or do a thing.
Because Arthur didn’t want his soulmate.
***
After they finished university and settled into their adult life, Gwen and Arthur got engaged. Merlin tried to keep his tears at bay as he smiled for his best friend and his new fiancée as they hugged when he popped the question. She was overwhelmed but seemed so happy that Merlin couldn’t do anything besides clapping for their happiness and hold back his tears.
Being Arthur’s best friend was enough. It would always be enough. But thinking about a future without Arthur constantly by his side, a future where he would’ve to see his best friend’s happiness with another person made his heart break in two. He made a quick escape blurting a lie about having essays to grade back at home.
He cried and did nothing about it. Why would it matter now anyway? He would go back to being lonely, without Arthur by his side. Oh, he knew Arthur would still be his friend. But he couldn’t bear to think he would always go back to his fiancée, his future wife.
When he came home, he just crashed into bed and looked at nothing for a few hours, tears falling silently on his cheeks.
***
A year later, day for day, was Arthur’s wedding. Merlin was there to be his best man, as Arthur had asked him to be.
He managed to keep a smile on all day long.
He managed to do his best man’s speech without anything underlying in his voice. He made fun of his best friend, happy to make him smile and laugh one last time.
He danced with the bride and managed to smile softly at her. He brought his mouth near her ear for her only to hear:
‘Take care of him. All your life. He needs someone to be here for him.’
She looked at him funnily, but smiled and laughed while nodding.
‘I married him, for sure I’ll take care of him! I’m happy we’re both here for him.’ She smiled at him. He almost flinched, before smiling a bit at her while nodding.
When their dance was done, he went out to the balcony. He needed fresh air and the stars were beautiful to look at. He perched his arms on the railings, thoughtful.
‘That’s where you’ve been, Merlin’ sounded a familiar voice behind him, a couple of minutes after he came outside.
He turned his head and smiled at Arthur, who was smiling brightly, as happy as can be. He came next to Merlin, looking at the stars too. Merlin let a couple of minutes of silence pass by, before opening his mouth:
‘What would you say if your soulmate was right here, right now?’
Arthur turned to Merlin with confusion a bit of anger.
‘Why? Why are you asking me this question on my wedding day?’
‘…Just curious, you know. Would you stay with Gwen if your soulmate came in your life?’ Asked Merlin, turning his head to look at his best friend.
Arthur furrowed his eyebrows and opened his mouth.
And Merlin knew.
They weren’t meant to be.
It hurts, but at least now he was at peace with what had to be done.
It was what was best.
For the both of them.
He closed his eyes as he gripped the railings. Took a shuddering breath, and started to sing.
What hurts the most was being so close
Arthur mouth fell open. Merlin started to see a glowing light from his side. He continued signing, looking at the stars above.
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
Arthur came closer to Merlin, his eyes full of unshed tears, unable to say anything as his soulmate sang and became more light than human form. His hand was coming closer to Merlin’s arm, but it was already gone in a flurry of golden lights.
And never knowin' what could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Watching Arthur with loving eyes and tears on his cheeks, he sang the last words to their Song.
Is what I was trying to do
Arthur could only look ahead of him, unseeing, eyes full of tears. He fell to his knees and cried.
He believed now.
Oh, how he believed now.
Too bad he believed too late.