Archive of Our Own

Felix knows better than to do this.

He knows better than to relapse. He knows what it leads to, what it led to last time. He knows that it's taught him that it can't be a secret, even more so now that he's already been caught. Surely everyone is waiting for him to slip up again.

He knows that it's never going to go away. He has to deal with it, and he knows how to deal with it, it's what he's been doing for months, so he should put the idea out of his mind completely.

But all the same, he misses it.

Minho promised Felix he could come to him anytime he needed.

Still, Felix doubts that anytime meant 12:43 a.m in the morning. He lingers in the hallway, peeking into the dorm that Minho shares with Hyunjin and Seungmin. Minho is asleep on his side, lightly snoring. The covers are bunched around his waist.

Hey. Hey, Minho.

Felix finds himself gnawing on the inside of his cheek.

What am I supposed to do when suddenly I can't remember why I was recovering in the first place?

He's frozen in the doorway, the words coming to the forefront of his tongue even though he knows he can't say them out loud.

Minho doesn't stir. He's too much of a heavy sleeper to be roused by just the sound of Felix's breathing. Hyunjin on the other hand though, is a light sleeper. A rustling sound comes from his bed and Felix steps back quickly.

He heads back down the hallway before Hyunjin can ask what he wants.

His own room is empty, because Chan and Changbin are working late at the studio. He thinks Jisung might be too.

Jeongin though, is home and awake. And behind Felix in the hallway. Their maknae, with mussed black hair covering his eyes, eyes that are boring into Felix.

"Lix?"

He freezes. "Yeah?"

"What are you doing up?"

He could ask Jeongin the same question but there's a glass of water in the younger's hand, so he already has an idea of the answer.

"Couldn't sleep."

"So why'd you think Minho could help?" Jeongin takes a sip of the water, his eyes remaining on Felix the whole time. He doesn't give Felix a chance to deny it, adding, "I'm not dumb."

"J—"

"Tell me what's going on."

Felix falls silent.

"You okay?"

Felix gnaws on the inside of his cheek.

Jeongin keeps talking. "Is it your—"

"No!"

It doesn't sound convincing to either of them.

"Need some company?" Jeongin offers. His eyes are bright.

"Shouldn't we go back to sleep?" As much as the offer is appreciated, it's probably the last thing he wants. It's not even that he prefers Minho to Jeongin— He's just changed his mind about talking about it to anyone. Now he just wants to sleep the feeling off.

"No? We don't have any schedules tomorrow. It's okay." Jeongin starts walking to Felix's dorm, and Felix is left with no choice but to follow him.

"Yeah," Felix mutters, perching on the end of his bed.

Jeongin sets his glass down on the bedside table. "Can I braid your hair?" He reaches one hand out to finger the brown strands, which have long been neglected of a haircut.

It's better than conversation so Felix agrees and turns his back to Jeongin.

Though Jeongin's hands are bigger than his own, his fingers are thinner, and he can feel them comb through his hair with great precision.

Thinner fingers.

He groans.

"Lix?" Jeongin interrupts the train of thought before it's even begun. He's more intuitive than Felix gives him credit for.

"Mmhmm," He mutters. The time on the clock says 1:26 a.m.

"You're pretty." There's a tugging on the right side of his head.

He's quick to deny it. "Not." Isn't even sure why he's denying it. It's just a reflex.

More tugging. "You are too. You're perfect, Lix." Jeongin's voice is soft but firm all the same. "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing."

Jeongin keeps silent as he works.

"Are you done yet?" His voice is harsher than it should be and he can feel Jeongin's hands fall away from his head instantly.

Fuck. He's scared him off.

"Yeah. I don't— We don't have any hair ties. So, I guess." Jeongin gives his head one last sort of pat, before pulling his hands away and scooting off the bed.

Felix reaches behind him to feel a few thin braids spread out across the back of his head in all directions. Although they're small and barely noticeable from far away, they're well made.

"Goodnight Lix."

Jeongin's already gone by the time he looks up.

He keeps the braids in for the next two days until they finally come apart during a shower.

"Did you eat lunch?"

It's the first time Minho's asked him that question in awhile. He wishes he knew what prompted it. Maybe Minho saw him hovering in his doorway the other night and knew what he wanted. Knew what he was struggling with.

Felix gestures vaguely at a half eaten bowl of rice on his desk. He doesn't have the energy, nor the words, for a verbal answer. How is he even supposed to answer? It's a yes or no question and the answer isn't yes or no.

Assuming that that should be enough to satisfy Minho, he turns back to his computer, open to a game of Fortnite, and pulls his headphones back over his ears.

Minho tugs them off.

And that's when he knows that it isn't enough.

"What?" He doesn't want to meet Minho's eyes. Knows it's going to give him away.

Isn't even sure what there is to give away, because he did eat half. And he'll probably finish the other half as he plays. Even more, he'll probably eat dinner tonight as usual. As of right now, he's still eating fine. There isn't anything to worry about yet.

But his actions say fuck all about his thoughts, which are filled to the brim with consideration of relapse. It can't be that bad. The last time is mostly a blur, so it's not even that he misses it. He doesn't know what there is to miss. It's more of a curiosity, having forgotten what it's like to go hungry, and he knows it's a privilege to forget it, but he would still kill to remember.

He doesn't want Minho to look him in the eyes because then maybe he would see how his grip on being "fine" is splintering away by the day.

"Photoshoot tomorrow." Minho's eyes flick towards the bowl.

"I know." He turns back to his screen.

"And our manager asked to talk to you."

"Yeah, okay. Give me a little bit." His finger hovers over the unpause button.

"Okay. I'll tell him you're busy now." Minho's being kinder than usual. Any other time he would scoff and tell Felix to get off the game, that whatever the manager has for him is a hundred times more important. But it's almost as if he can sense the tension in the room and how it's already at it's tipping point. He chooses not to add any more fuel to the fire that is Felix's emotions.

As grateful as Felix is for this, he doesn't acknowledge it as he unpauses the game. The screen lights up again and they watch his character run across the screen. "Thanks," He finally says, reloading his weapon.

Whatever Minho says as he leaves the room is drowned out by the sound of him getting another kill.

He doesn't even know what's stopping him.

He could so easily start skipping meals again— surely he's gotten better at it, now he knows what the other members are watching for. If he's careful enough, and eats only low-calorie foods in front of everyone else, he could shrink his intake to nearly what it was last time, with barely any resistance.

Too swept up in the thoughts, another player kills him while he's standing idle in the game. Once he's respawned, he closes the game and logs off.

Now it's just him and the goddamned bowl of rice.

He doesn't want to eat it. Something about his conversation with Minho. That did it.

No one stops him as he passes through the hallway. No one even looks at him. No one is in the kitchen to watch as he dumps what's left in the bowl into the garbage disposal.

No one says anything as he walks back to his room, surprisingly. It's only a surprise because he feels like the guilt is written all over him— a siren, screaming to everyone in the goddamn building that Lee Felix didn't finish his meal.

That Lee Felix is slipping, for the second time in recent months, and he hopes to God that no one catches him.

He scrolls too far on their Instagram.

It was supposed to be a sort of reminiscing. Remember all that they've done in the past year. But it doesn't take long to find the pics from before he was hospitalized.

They're not that bad. He was never that bad, or maybe that's what he just so desperately wants to believe. But they're not the worst pictures of him. There's a few selfies of him, where his face is thinner than usual and paler, and his expression is dulled at the edges, but to their fans, he knows it isn't noticeable.

It only is to him, when he reads the date, and remembers posting it after purging in a bathroom backstage.

There's other pictures posted from that day, and he finds himself in the background of one of Seungmin's. More of his body is visible here. Again, it's not horrible. Compared to his body now, which is still pretty small and lean (although much more on the healthy side) the difference isn't huge.

But that just makes it easier, doesn't it?

There isn't far to go. It would be easy enough to get back to that weight. Easy enough to get even lower.

Was his weight ever even the problem— as in, is it the reason he got caught? Felix doesn't think so. He'll go slow. Lose weight so slow no one will even notice until he's way lower than he's ever been.

"That was a good performance," Seungmin comments from behind him. At the noise, Felix jumps three feet in the air, clutching his phone to his chest immediately like he's been caught watching porn.

His heart rate is twice its usual rate, and it doesn't help that Seungmin is staring at him.

"What?"

"Nothing." Felix forces his brain to clear so that he can form words. "You just— scared me is all."

"Sorry." Seungmin settles in against him, studying the screen now that Felix isn't holding it against him anymore. "But yeah, that was fun. Should do something like it again. I like how the stylists did your make-up."

His throat feels dry. He wants to scream the obvious:

Don't you see how thin I look?

Do you remember what happened only weeks later?

Is the make-up really all you can see?

It's then that Seungmin attempts eye contact with him, a maneuver that Felix is quick to dodge. Seungmin's eyes are too sharp. Too direct, too dark, like they've seen a lot of things in their life and as a result they know how to look for them.

Even though he's the next youngest after Felix, he seems so much older now in the way that he attempts to study him.

There isn't anywhere for Felix to go though, with Seungmin's knee cutting into the side of his thigh, keeping him pushed against the end of the couch. He keeps his eyes on Seungmin's shoulder which seems to be a safe enough place.

Only it's not, it's the farthest thing from safe, because he thinks he might be able to see Seungmin's collarbones through the fabric, and that's all it takes for the thoughts to come rising up again like a cloud of smoke.

Something must change in his face then, because Seungmin says, "Felix?"

He knows.

He knows about the rice Felix threw out, he knows why he was looking at the pictures. He knows that Felix is on the verge of a relapse, and even though this is what he's been dreading all along, a small part of him is relieved.

He doesn't want to be like this.

Seungmin continues, "I really liked your outfit in the photoshoot today."

He deflates.

"Felix?"

"Th— Thanks." He still isn't meeting Seungmin's eyes, because he knows his own are full of overwhelming disappointment.

What is he even saying thanks for? He didn't choose the outfit. Didn't make the outfit. Didn't do anything, except be a dress up doll for the company.

Seungmin doesn't know what he's been doing. No one knows, because surely if they did, they would've stopped him. They would've stopped him before he threw away the rice. They would be stopping him from detaching himself from Seungmin right now, and heading to the bathroom.

It still isn't a relapse.

Even if his fingers are slick with saliva and it's running down his chin, and he tastes acid in the back of his throat, it still doesn't count. Nothing actually came up.

The line still hasn't been crossed.

So he has nothing to feel guilty about, he shouldn't have to feel like he's broken a sacred promise every time he looks at another member. It's just thoughts.

(And failed actions.)

The water in the faucet runs cold as he runs it over his hands and then rubs it into his face to bring the color back.

(If there was any color in the first place.)

His face is dull. He tries to smile and he can't distinguish it from a frown no matter how hard he tries.

Maybe that's why no one's caught on yet.

Being numb is his default setting.

"Hey, Chan!" He calls out to the nearest member as he tugs his coat on. Standing in the entryway of the dorm, one hand on the doorknob. "Think I'm going to go for a walk. Maybe go shopping downtown on the way."

Chan is quick to appear from the next room.

"Hey, I'll join you!"

Oh. Oh, no.

He ducks his face, plastering a smile on. "Oh, okay, great!"

Chan seems to take an eternity to pull his coat on, taking extra precision as he drags the zipper over his chest. Felix can't stop himself from letting out a frustrated sigh.

"What?"

"Sorry— Nothing."

Chan probably doesn't believe him, but he doesn't bring it up as they leave the building.

"Which way did you want to go?"

Truth is, Felix didn't think this far ahead. The original plan was whatever way would get him farthest away from the dorms (while also, possibly, burning the most number of calories).

(Only not the calories part, because that would mean he's trying to lose weight.)

"It doesn't matter to me."

Chan directs them down a side street. He walks slow, Felix observes, or maybe that's just because Felix is bursting at the seams with energy that he's desperate to translate into running.

"Feel like I've barely seen you lately," Chan comments as they cross a street.

Felix snorts. "That's not true. We've had schedules all week. Starting to get sick of you, honestly," He jokes, but the older Australian isn't laughing.

Chan does crack a small smile, but it disappears as he says, "Not really. Aside from schedules, when's the last time we talked?"

"Yesterday, to ask me if I wanted the rest of your energy bar." He doesn't bring up the fact that he denied it.

"Doesn't count."

"Well we're talking now."

"How have you been lately?"

He knows there's no hidden undertones to the question— He knows Chan well enough to know what he's truly asking, and it really is just surface level. It's just a leader trying to look out for his members, but that doesn't stop panic from bubbling in the back of his throat all the same.

"Pretty good. You?"

"I'm good too... Did I show you the song we were working on the other day? There's this part I'm not sure whether to give to you or Minho— Y'know with him, his voice is more softer, and just has the right tones? While yours is more impactful, and adds a certain depth?"

"I'm sure it'll sound great either way."

"Yeah." Chan has brightened up with the discussion of music. (As one-sided of a discussion as it is.)

They fall into a silence, one that Felix is desperate to fill. With something, anything—

Even what he's been trying to keep hidden this whole time.

Because if anyone can talk him out of it, remind himself why he recovered, it should be Chan. And he deserves to know, and Felix feels like shit over it, because how can you lead a group when you don't even know what one of your members is going through?

Should is the key word, because as much as he should, he won't.

They're coming up on a convenience store. Chan motions towards it; "You said you wanted to go shopping? Anything you need?"

Felix shrugs. "I don't think so. But we can look."

Chan leads the way into the store, letting Felix trail behind as he wanders down the food aisles. He stops in front of the instant ramen section. "Want any food?"

"Eh." He tries to dismiss the idea as subtle as possible, but Chan still notices the red flag.

"Why not?"

He scrounges around for an answer. "I'm a little sick of ramen. Ate it too much lately."

"Makes sense," Chan hums. They pass through to the next aisle. "Any sweet stuff?"

Felix shakes his head.

"You like candy," Chan points out. "Right?"

"Yeah," He says faintly, but all he can think about is the calories.

Chan grabs a box off the shelf. "Hey, this looks new."

From where he's standing, Felix can see the nutrition label easily and though he doesn't know what the rest of the package looks like, that's all he needs to know he has absolutely zero interest in it. His stomach turns.

"Lix?"

The box has been flipped over, Chan now studying the other side of it, and it looks like some type of cookies. Small cookies. That shouldn't even be worth such a high amount of calories.

"Lix?"

Chan's calling his name.

"Huh?" He forces himself to look up at Chan's face.

"You look sick."

"Can we go home?" His voice is small.

Chan sets the box back down. "Yeah. Yeah, come on." His face is hard.

Fuck.

The walk home is brisk and quiet. Once they've gotten in the doorway, Felix doesn't even get a chance to take his shoes or coat off.

"Are you relapsing?"

He swallows.

"Felix."

He turns his back to Chan and pulls his coat off slowly. Steps out of his shoes one at a time, arranging them neatly next to the door.

When he finally turns back, all he says is "No."

He can tell Chan doesn't believe him. Doesn't know why he would. So he keeps talking:

"Sorry. I got overwhelmed. Too many people in the store. And I haven't been feeling that great since I woke up." He kicks at the floor. "That's why I wanted to go for a walk. Thought I'd get some fresh air."

Chan is slowly digesting the information.

"It wasn't the food. You can trust me."

That's the one part that might not be a lie— It's not the food that's the problem; It's just him.

"Okay," Chan says slowly.

"I promise."

He needs to stop making promises he can't keep.

They don't have any full length mirrors in the dorm.

Because of him.

Sure, the company's practice room has entire walls of mirrors, but he rarely has excuse to be in the practice room alone. Whenever it's not being used by them as a group, either other groups or trainees are in there.

Even their bathroom mirror is gone. It used to be pretty big, and if he stood against the back wall of the bathroom, he could see from his crotch up.

Now, it's been replaced by a smaller one. As hard as he strains, all he can see when he stands back is his face and the top half of his chest.

It's weird. He stands there now, seeing himself in that mirror. Focuses on his face, with his hands wrapped around his stomach. Pinching at the skin, trying to reach around.

He can feel it but he can't see it.

He doesn't think he even wants to go back to how it was. He doesn't want to be skinny. Not more than he already is.

But that's only a symptom of it all.

Out of all the people for him to slip up in front of, he didn't think it would be Jisung.

Either he overestimated how easy it would be to hide things from Jisung, or he underestimated how much he sucks at hiding things.

After a dance practice, he stays behind with Jisung to help him with a significantly difficult part of the choreo. Minho offers to take his place, but Felix turns him down. He'd rather be alone with Jisung than trapped in the goddamn dorm.

They're both covered in sweat from head to toe, and running dangerously low on water from their water bottles. Hell, Felix's is already empty.

Jisung pulls another bottle out of the bag he brought with him and Felix leans over to inspect the packaging.

"Want some?" Jisung offers, taking a swig.

"What is it?"

Jisung grimaces at the lukewarm temperature. "Sports drink." He hands the bottle to Felix.

He turns the bottle around to read the label on the back. The nutrition label.

Jisung realizes what he's doing as soon as Felix's brow furrows at the numbers.

"Lix, what are you doing?"

"Nothing," Felix says, but then he's choking on the stupid fucking word and his voice is cracking, and that's just about all it takes for everything to fall apart.

Jisung takes the bottle back from him, but not without Felix putting up a fight. "What do you need to know the calories for? Lix?"

"I'm fine," He says, finally giving the bottle up, but that's not what Jisung asked.

"Lix," He says again, slowly putting the pieces together. "Are you eating?"

Felix hesitates. He can see Jisung's face falling by the second, and it doesn't stop even when he mutters, "Yeah."

So Jisung asks him a different question. "Are you relapsing?"

Now that's a harder question.

What is he supposed to say? He's damn well thinking about it. But that isn't the question. He isn't relapsing. Maybe he's trying to, and maybe he will tomorrow, but he isn't at this second, and that's all Jisung asked.

"Not exactly," is the best answer he can give.

"Okay. Okay, what does that mean?"

"It doesn't fucking mean anything." He sucks his bottom lip in between his teeth, gnawing on it as he looks at Jisung. Or rather, anywhere but Jisung.

"No. No. You're not fucking do this again, Lix, we're not letting you fucking do this."

"I'm not doing anything!" He cries.

Jisung looks at him for a long time.

"You want to."

"Yeah. So? I bet there's a lot of stupid shit that you want to do."

Jisung's mouth is set in a firm line now. "Nothing that's gonna kill me. And I don't think about it seriously. I bet you're thinking about it seriously."

Felix huffs.

"Are you? I bet you think it's gonna be fine. You're planning on doing it, but you don't know when, but you're preparing for it, and you weren't prepared for me to already catch on. Am I ruining everything, Lix? Lixie?"

"Shut up."

Jisung knows he's just angering Felix, but now that emotion has been brought to the surface, it's easier to reason with him.

"You know I'm right."

"It's not gonna kill me," Felix persists weakly, but it's no match for the way Jisung is staring him down right now.

He tugs Felix into a hug against the younger's will, suddenly softening. "Baby, we're looking out for you."

"Doesn't feel like it."

"Yeah, well we are. I'm not gonna tell anyone else about this, if you promise you'll try. I know you learned how to cope with the thoughts in therapy. Use that shit, Lix."

"Okay." His voice sounds far away.

"But if you start slipping, I will not hesitate to tell them. Tell the manager too. Not losing you."

"Okay."

He barely even grasps what he's agreeing too.

Then Jisung is ruffling his hair, grinning at him. "Love you."

Felix echoes it back faintly, if only so Jisung will let go of him.

He can't tell whether talking to Jisung has made him feel worse or better.

The best word for it is probably just guilty. Sure, it's probably good for him in some kind of way because it makes him not want to relapse even more, but it just makes him feel horrible, and feeling bad drives him to spiral even more.

Really all it does is put off the inevitable for a day or two.

Jisung lets him have the rest of the sports drink after the conversation.

Maybe as a way to make him prove he was still eating, if he had to guess by the way Jisung is staring him down as he drinks it.

For the record, it tastes like shit.

He goes for another walk, only this time Chan isn't there to tag along. The only one there is Jeongin, who just nods in response to Felix telling him he's leaving.

He almost wants to invite Jeongin along, because he still feels bad for snapping at him the other week.

The need to be alone far outweighs his sympathy though.

He heads down the block, figuring he'll make a few laps around it before returning to the dorm. How many doesn't matter. It's not like anyone will miss him as long as he's back before dinner. Because that's all they care about. Whether he's eating.

Not anything below the surface.

As he's nearing the end of his tenth lap, he thinks he sees Jae. Likely coming back from one of DAY6's schedules. He slows his pace, hoping Jae will enter the building before catching sight of him.

But his luck has run out.

(Or maybe he never had any luck in the first place, judging by how things tend to go for him.)

Jae spots him and waves. He waits for Felix to catch up, and when he does, he falls into step with him. "Yo! What's up? Dude, I haven't seen any of you guys in forever. Sometimes I forget we're at the same company."

Felix tries to forces a smile before finding that a natural one comes just as easily. "Hey."

"You guys have a comeback coming up soon, right? Man, no one tells me anything around here. I had to find out from Twitter."

Felix laughs. "Yeah— Sometime soon, we're hoping. What about you guys?"

Jae shakes his head. "We're still working on stuff. Hopefully later in the year though."

"That's good." Felix hums.

Being around Jae became a thousand times easier when he remembered that Jae had no idea what was going on with him.

He has no idea about Felix's eating disorder, much less that he spent time in a hospital for it. He likely knows about what their fans know— That he took a short hiatus back in Australia with his family, to help with his mental health.

Jae doesn't give him the same suspicious look that his own group gives him. He isn't worried for Felix.

And it's so stupid, but suddenly he wants to switch groups. He wants to be in DAY6, a fresh group of people who have no idea what the hell is wrong with him, who won't watch him like a hawk during every meal he eats.

They won't even watch to see if he eats.

"Felix?"

He spaced out. He jolts back to attention and looks at Jae.

"You seem a little distant. Thinking about your comeback?"

"Ah... Yeah."

"I'm sure it'll be fine. It always is."

"Yeah..." He glances down at his watch.

"How long have you been walking?"

"...An hour? Or so? Probably closer to two."

"Holy shit. Are you tired?" Jae stops then, forcing Felix to stop with him.

"Eh." Even as he says it, he can feel the ache in his muscles.

"I know it's good to stay in shape for the comeback but you look worn out. Shit, come on, let's go back to the dorms. Eat a big dinner and fill back up on calories."

Felix looks lost. "Calories?"

"You must've burned a lot," Jae comments, oblivious to how Felix interprets it. "Exercise."

"Oh." He follows behind Jae as they head to the dorms. God, Jae isn't going to walk him to his dorm is he? What if he tells Chan how far he walked? And Chan thinks he's relapsing?

Is he relapsing?

Jae doesn't though. He stops about twenty feet away from Felix's dorm. "See you around."

"Yeah, you too!" Felix calls.

As soon as the door is shut behind him, all the joy drains from his voice.

He sleeps through dinner.

No one wakes him up.

Hell, he doesn't even know they had dinner until he's awake hours later and wandering through the dorm, and there's a pile of dishes in the sink and it occurs to him that it's well past the usual time for it.

On the way back to his room, he passes Hyunjin. He nods to Felix, but doesn't say anything.

Felix feels light-headed.

Do they even care that they ate without him?

Does he even care? He shouldn't. This is what he wanted all along, right? Them to get the fuck off his back and stop caring what he's eating?

So why does it hurt so much?

"Lix?" Changbin has his laptop open, but as soon as Felix walks in, he closes it. "You okay?"

So he wasn't imagining the redness in his own eyes.

"Yeah." He stops in the doorway.

"You're lying."

"Okay?" He shrugs and turns to leave. "So what if I am?"

"Come here."

Felix lets himself lean against Changbin's shoulder, and lets the rapper wrap an arm around him.

"Do you want to talk about it or do you want to be distracted?"

After a short pause, Felix mumbles, "Distraction."

Changbin opens his laptop back up. "Pick a number between one and three."

"Two."

"Okay then." He hands Felix an earbud. "Listen to track number two and tell me what you think."

Track number two is a soft beat that leads into a much more powerful ballad. As the song goes on, the notes get more powerful and louder, and Felix can already tell that it would be great if it was on the rap-heavy side.

He tells Changbin so and receives a grin.

"That's what I thought. But Chan wouldn't listen to me."

"He'll listen to me."

"Yeah, sure." Changbin jokingly shoves him away. His face grows more serious. "Really though, you okay? What's up?"

"I'm fine, Binnie. It's nothing."

Changbin cocks an eyebrow."

"Was just thinking about the comeback."

"It'll be fine. We haven't even filmed anything for it yet. Just putting the final touches on the songs."

"I know."

He doesn't say anything else, though he can tell Changbin desperately wants him to. He doesn't know what to say. In the end, Changbin just lets Felix snuggle against him for the next few hours while he shows him more songs, and it's comforting enough for the both of them.

The next day actually seems to be going okay for the most part.

For the first half of it. It doesn't last nearly as long as Felix would like.

Dinner is bad.

It's something Felix doesn't even like in the first place, but he doesn't need to make it into a big deal by making his own meal separate from everyone else's. It's fine— He swallows it down.

He ignores how much it makes him want to puke until he actually does.

He doesn't remember the bathroom floor ever being this cold.

And God, you would think that maybe this would be the wake-up call?

This is what he's been missing all this time? Being tired all the time and not even being capable of keeping meals down?

There aren't any benefits to it, not even to his screwed up brain, but that isn't why he's doing it. It's not about what he gets out of it now— Now it's whether he'll ever get out.

It isn't a choice, and maybe he's an idiot and this whole entire thing has been a relapse. Maybe this, right here, what he's only considering might be a "relapse" is just the point of no return.

(He's returned from this point before, plenty of times though.)

Still, what if this time he doesn't return?

He slips back in way too easily and then what he was going to write off as a bad day becomes his everyday and he can't deny that this is a relapse.

Still, he can't bring himself to care all that much.

"Hey, Lix! We were gonna go out and get something to eat tonight!" Hyunjin pokes his head in his room.

"Oh— Felix motions at an empty plate on his desk. "I ate early today. Sorry. You guys can go without me."

He neglects to mention that the same plate has been sitting there for a few days now, on the ready for whenever he needed it as an excuse.

"Oh. Okay. I'll tell Chan."

Hyunjin disappears and pops back in a second later.

"He said you should come anyway. You can just get dessert or something."

Eating dessert would be worse than eating dinner there.

He doesn't say that though, instead replying, "Yeah, okay. I'll get ready to go then."

Eating dessert was definitely worse.

The restaurant bathroom is dingy and gross, but he still finds himself kneeling on its floor. It can't be grosser than him.

Can't be more of a failure than him.

He tries to wipe at his mouth and just gets strings of saliva stuck to his sleeves.

He didn't need dessert anyway. He did eat earlier that day, he ate some lunch with them, so it's fine that he skipped dinner and that he just threw up dessert, yeah? It evens out in the end.

He coughs again, the noise drowning out the sound of the stall next to him flushing. He sees the person exit from it out of the corner of his eye.

The person whose shoes look suspiciously like Hyunjin's.

(Fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck)

As he walks back to their table it feels like his blood has turned to ice.

Hyunjin is there, deep in conversation with Changbin. He barely notices Felix reappearing. For a second, he worries that they're discussing him, but then Changbin laughs and he sees Hyunjin is showing him something on his phone.

(What if it wasn't Hyunjin?)

He casts a glance under the table and yeah, there's Hyunjin's shoes. The same shoes he saw. But that doesn't mean anything right? Who knows how many people have that kind of shoes.

The rest of them finish up their meal and Felix doesn't think he's ever been so equally grateful and full of dread to get out of a place.

"I can't sleep."

It's past midnight when he hears a voice and a body pushing against him.

He rubs at his eyes until the clock comes into focus

12:02 a.m., actually.

"What?" He hisses. His vision slowly adjusts to the darkness and he tries to make out the figure leaning over him. "Hyu—"

"—njin. Yeah. That's me. Hi. I can't sleep. Move over." Once Felix has opened the covers to him, Hyunjin is quick to snuggle in against him.

What the fuck.

He tries to hold eye contact with Hyunjin, see if he can find his motive for being here hidden deep in the brown irises, but there's nothing.

Hyunjin blinks at him.

Felix can't tell if he's amazing at keeping a straight face, or if he really wasn't in the restaurant bathroom.

If he really doesn't know about Felix.

"Come here," Hyunjin murmurs, tugging Felix against him, and he knows that he isn't doing it for warmth. It's for comfort.

And if he has something to comfort Felix for, he almost definitely knows.

It was him.

Felix relaxes against him, face pressed into his chest.

Maybe it isn't Hyunjin that couldn't sleep, maybe it's Felix, because now he thinks he might be crying into Hyunjin's shirt and he doesn't want to fall asleep like this.

Hyunjin combs his hair back from his face, and lets Felix fall apart on him.

They don't talk about it in the morning. No one does. Chan and Changbin don't even mention it, even though they all know damn well they must have seen them tangled around each other that morning upon first waking up.

Felix goes for a walk right before lunch, hoping to avoid eating it all together if he walks for long enough.

No one tags along and no one speaks to him as he walks.

It's quiet and kind of alone.

His phone buzzes.

Hyunjin: you coming back for lunch?

He leaves him on read and keeps walking until he physically can't go on any more.

If Felix thought what he was doing before was a betrayal, it's nothing compared to now. Nowhere even close.

It's not just thinking anymore.

Hell, he doesn't think he's thinking at all.

He runs into Jisung as he's exiting the bathroom later that day. He knows he probably looks like shit, but it's too late to do anything about that fact. Jisung looks serious.

"Can we talk?"

"Yeah."

There isn't any other viable response, is there?

"You didn't eat lunch."

"Yeah. I know. Sorry, lost track of time. I was going to go eat something right now, actually—"

"Stop lying!"

Felix recoils.

"You're— You're slipping aren't you?"

"I'm not." He tries to laugh, like it's a joke. It comes out more like a gasp, and he knows Jisung isn't falling for it.

"Jesus Christ man, I want to help." Jisung rests a hand on his shoulder.

"Just... just fuck off, Sung." He shrugs the hand off. "And you don't need to tell Chan. Or anyone else."

"Why wouldn't I tell Chan?" Jisung's eyebrows knit together. "Lix, if you're relapsing again, I have to tell someone."

"You don't."

"I'm not being complacent in your own fucking suicide." Jisung studies his face and finally notices how blotchy and reddened it is. "Are you purging?"

"Shut up."

"No." And then the hand is back on his shoulder but it's rubbing soothing circles now, so Felix lets it stay. "God, you can't be doing that."

Felix just stares back at him. "It's fine, Sung. I'm okay." The words are automatic, something he doesn't even believe.

"Are you eating?"

Silence.

"Have you made yourself throw up?"

Felix's hands are shaking.

"You cannot be okay, Lix."

"Why the hell are our promotions cancelled?"

Felix barges into the common room, holding his phone in his hand. He's the last one to get up today, and he's surprised to find the rest of the group waiting for him here.

"You know why, Lix." Chan pats the spot on the couch next to him.

He doesn't sit down. "I don't."

Hyunjin is chewing on his lip. He looks away from Felix.

He finds that Jisung, sitting next to Hyunjin, won't look him in the eyes either. The rest are hesitant to make eye contact too, but none as averse to it as those two.

"You told Chan." His voice sounds faint.

"No." Jisung's face is buried in his palms now. At first, Felix thinks it might be because he's embarrassed at what he's done.

Then he says "I told Chan and I told our manager," and he moves his hands away from his face.

And Felix can see that he's shaking.

And he looks scared.

And that's bullshit, because what does Jisung have to be scared for? He isn't the one doing this. He isn't the one who's the reason their promotions are cancelled.

Felix is.

"Why?"

"L—"

"I mean, why cancel promotions?" He kicks at the ground. "I can— I can promote."

"If you're not gonna eat, you're not gonna promote," Minho says.

Minho.

Now he feels like shit because this entire thing could've been avoided if he had just woken Minho up that night. Or the next morning. Literally anytime he could've stopped and told Minho, and he should have.

And he knows that he should tell Minho now, but he can't, the words are caught in his throat and they taste weird. Rather than explaining himself, all that comes out is, "What kind of logic is that?"

"The logic that keeps you from blacking out on stage or in the middle of an interview. The kind of logic that keeps you alive, because it means that now we're gonna deal with it."

He can't tell if Minho looks pissed or worried.

Probably both. Both caused by Felix.

Again, he feels like shit.

Minho must see the fear in Felix's face and so he reaches out to him. "Hey. Hey, come here, Lix. We're not mad. We're not mad at you. We're upset that you're relapsing, but not at you, we promise."

He doesn't come to Minho but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to with every bone in his body.

He just can't bring himself to move.

"Lix?" Hyunjin asks, worried by his silence.

He lets his gaze fall down to his feet. "Yeah."

"Yeah what?"

"Yeah, I'm relapsing."

He scratches the back of his neck.

"Help."

And he doesn't mean for it to come out sounding as broken as it does, but the word is too late to take back, despite its cracks and everything, and before he knows it the rest of the group is falling over themselves to tug him into a hug. And even though he still can't move, he lets them.

"You know I knew, right?" Hyunjin whispers, against Felix's hair.

He swallows. "Yeah."

"I was going to give you time to come to us on your own. I didn't want to scare you, or make you hate me, so I convinced myself that I didn't need to do anything, at least for now." He pauses. "You wouldn't have come to us, would you?"

Felix's voice is brittle as he honestly says, "No."

"Yeah, I should've known that." Hyunjin threads his fingers through Felix's hair. "I'm so fucking glad Jisung did something."

"I'm not," Felix snorts, and it brings a shaky laugh from Hyunjin.

"You will be." He hums.

"How long?" Chan cuts in. A brutal reminder that this isn't a private conversation between the two of them, there's six other people in the room crowded around them, all worried sick about him.

"Don't know."

"Can we have an estimate?"

Felix closes his eyes and leans back against Hyunjin. "Weeks. Mostly just— Just thinking about it. For most of those weeks. Did a lot of thinking."

There's a certain stillness that falls over them, each rethinking back to their interactions with Felix as a look of horror grows on their faces.

"Are you— are you purging?"

"Yeah."

"Fuck, that's really bad for—"

"I know that! Fuck, you think I don't understand what I'm doing? I do. I understand it too fucking well, I just don't fucking care."

Hyunjin's grip around his waist tightens.

Chan isn't done with his questions: "What triggered it?"

"Nothing."

"Come on, there has to have been some—"

"Nothing. I just— I forgot. What it was like. And I just m— I missed it. Okay? I missed it because apparently I have an affinity for hurting."

"You could've told me." Minho's voice is quiet and Felix has to strain to make it out.

"I tried. I thought about it. I was going to— But it was way too late at night."

"Is that the night y—" Jeongin cuts in.

"Yeah. It was that night."

"Fuck, you could've told me— You told me it wasn't that."

"Yeah, well sometimes I lie. If you haven't gotten that by now." He sounds much more blunt than he intends and Jeongin looks like he's about to cry.

Even though he isn't the one being comforted right now, Felix wishes he was because he wants to scoop the maknae up in his arms and apologize for ever lying to him. He's the one that deserves the comfort, rather than Felix.

Felix doesn't deserve any of this.

"Hey— Don't cry."

Felix is the one crying now.

"I ruined everything."

"No you— Why would you think that?" Changbin rubs his shoulder.

"We can't promote because—" He sniffles. "Because of me. I'm gonna bring the whole group down. Why can't you guys just promote without me?"

"Lix, we don't care about promoting. It's not nearly as important as your health. We're not going out there as seven." Chan is firm. "Furthermore, if you're the only one gone it'll raise questions— If we all take a break, there's less focus on you."

Chan has a point.

"Okay."

"Lix... What can we do? Like, how bad do you feel it is? Do you want to go to the hospital?"

Felix shakes his head.

"Okay then, tell us about it. Is it as bad as it was last time?"

"No." When he sees the skepticism on their faces, he adds, "Really. At least, I don't think so. Like— the thoughts and stuff are the same. But this time I feel more miserable. Like, even before I actually relapsed it just made me feel miserable. I didn't feel that before."

"Lix, that sounds like it's worse than last time."

"It's not," Felix protests. "I feel worse, yeah— but like the actual relapse— it's not as bad."

"Okay. Do you want to do it?"

"It's more like I feel like I have to."

"You do?"

"Like, I already feel miserable so I might as well, because what if it makes me not feel this bad, but it makes me feel worse and it feels like I probably deserve it then, if it won't go away. Like I'm meant to be like this."

Minho cuts in: "Do you feel depressed?"

"Huh?"

"Describe feeling miserable."

"Just... Boring. And gross. Like you're just there. And there sucks. And there's no getting out. And everything is just so dull and I hate it." His voice cracks.

"Where is there?"

"Here."

"Lix, what did you get diagnosed with at the hospital?"

"EDNOS." He says it almost shamefully.

"Nothing else?"

He shakes his head.

"What about you being suicidal? They didn't diagnose you with anything for that?"

This is news to the rest of the group, evident in how they flinch.

"Wh—" Changbin tries to cut in.

Felix trains his gaze back to the ground. "No. It wasn't really, like, actively trying to kill myself, because they said I wasn't that malnourished, so they glossed over it."

"They what," Minho hisses.

"Hey, can we backtrack a few chapters," Seungmin butts in. "Because, what?"

"It's not that important." Felix tries to explain to Seungmin just to get interrupted by Minho again.

"Lix, yes it is. You told me you would've killed yourself. You said you wished you were dead. And you told your therapist that too, right? And they didn't do anything? That's fucking bullshit. That could be a lawsuit." He pauses. "Look, I know I'm not an expert, but I think you have depression Lix. And that's something that really should've be dealt with before your eating disorder was. Because it seems like one is the cause. And the other is the effect."

"Hey, Minho, you absolutely have a point, but can you hold on a second?" Chan shuffles closer to Felix and tries (and fails) to hold eye contact with him. "Baby... You were suicidal?"

Felix winces. It seems like too harsh a word. In his mind, he doesn't fit the stereotype— pills, jumping off high buildings, sharp objects. No attempts unless you count his eating disorder as a very slow one.

It's slowly sinking in to the group that they could have lost Felix.

They still could.

He doesn't miss Jeongin's hand creeping up his sleeve and he jerks his arm away. The maknae stares up at him with wide eyes and then he realizes exactly what that looked like.

"I'm not— I'm not doing that. You don't need to check." He rubs his arm. "I just don't like being touched without warning.

The room is silent.

He sighs and tugs his sleeves up, if just to ease the tension.

They all let out a shaky breath.

"Lix, we're gonna get you a therapist. Mmkay?"

He doesn't seem to have much choice in the matter but he nods at Minho anyway.

"Maybe they can give you anti-depressants, or maybe you won't need them. But we have to deal with this, okay?"

Again, he nods without really knowing why.

He doesn't know for how long their promotions are cancelled. As far as he knows, it's for the forseeable future.

He has a lot of spare time in the dorms.

Their manager is the one tasked with finding him a therapist (and also drawing up a possible lawsuit for his old one), so there isn't much for the group as a whole to do.

Like last time, Chan sets a rule of no purging, regardless of what else Felix does.

He doesn't mind the rule in all honesty.

They try to encourage him to come to meals and at least sit at the table with them, and it makes a slight difference. It's easier to eat when he's distracted and Jisung takes notice of that fact almost immediately and starts improvising entire skits during dinner.

He chokes on some rice from laughing too hard.

It's better than choking on his own bile, he has to admit.

They don't let him sleep alone, both to keep him from feeling alone and to keep him from locking himself in the bathroom at 1 a.m.

And it works, because now he feels too guilty to even get up to take a piss.

It works because it's just guilt tripping and he's already full of enough guilt, boiled down to his core.

"Lix?"

Minho finds him practicing choreography in his room. He stops in his tracks, studying the younger as he follows the choreo to one of their title tracks.

Felix stops almost immediately at the sound of Minho's voice. His hands drop to his sides.

"What are you doing?" Minho asks softly, leaning against the door frame.

"I'm not— I'm not exercising to burn calories, I promise— I just miss dancing."

"It's okay." Minho sits down on Felix's bed. "You can keep going."

Felix doesn't budge. "Why are you here?"

"We got you an appointment with a therapist next week." Minho is beaming now, and he hopes Felix can match his grin.

Only Felix doesn't seem to have much reaction at all. His gaze tears away from Minho to drag along the floor, unfocused and hazy.

Minho reaches for his arm, closing his fingers around it. "It's a good thing, Lix. You're gonna get help."

"I know. It's just—" He scrunches his nose. "Weird."

"Not bad though."

"Not bad," Felix confirms, finally letting a small grin show through.

Satisfied, Minho gets up from the bed. "Now move over and let me practice with you, you can't do My Pace with only one person."

It's not hard to tell when Felix starts to close himself away again. It's not gradual, it's very sudden and confusing. One second he's hanging out with them over dinner and it's almost like it was before, and there's a light in Felix's eyes, and then later that night his eyes are dim and he won't make eye contact.

One night, Seungmin grabs his chin, forcing the eye contact.

"Hey— What's up with you?"

"Nothing."

If they've learned anything recently, it's how good Felix is at lying. So Seungmin's first instinct is to believe that that's what this is.

"Come on— What's up?"

"Nothing. I don't— I don't feel anything."

"What?"

Felix bites his lip. "I feel numb, Min. Just— The antidepressants they gave me— I can't feel anything. I w—" He stops himself when he witnesses the look on Seungmin's face.

"No, what were you going to say? Keep going."

Felix presses his lips together nervously.

"Lix."

"I w— I want to die." He ducks his head. "It's like everything else got numb and there's nothing left except that."

"Hey. Hey, hey, it's okay." Seungmin tries his best not to cry as he tugs Felix into a hug. "We're not gonna let you do that. We're not gonna let you do anything to yourself— You— You haven't done anything to yourself, right?"

Felix shakes his head and Seungmin knows he isn't lying.

"Okay. Okay." His grip around Felix's waist tightens. "Chan? Chan!"

His voice cracks in the middle of a scream.

"You have to talk to your therapist, Lix."

Felix has moved from being in Seungmin's arms to being in Chan's now,  as he leans against the leader's chest.

"Get her to change the dosage or something, or get you on something else. Or maybe this is something that'll go away and it's just you getting used to being on it for the first time— I don't fucking know. I know it's a side effect, but that doesn't mean we have to accept it. We're not losing you, Lix."

"Okay," Felix says faintly.

He doesn't tell Chan that he thinks he might be dead before his next appointment.

But he doesn't die though, because none of them will let him out of their sight, so he can't do anything. He can't even imagine doing anything— He just knows he should.

His dosage ends up getting decreased. So does his numbness along with it.

It's better.

Maybe it's not enough to be counted as good quite yet, but the need to die is quieter. Therapy is helping him to not need it in the first place. He's trying to eat normal meals. He can feel more things. It's still dulled, but gradually the good emotions become clearer to him, while the bad emotions stay greyed out and barely within reach.

It's not good, but it's not bad.

He's in the bathroom, washing his face. He sets the washcloth down on the counter.

His face isn't puffy and red from purging anymore, and it also isn't pale and grey.

"Not bad."

He turns the water off.

"It's not bad," He repeats to himself.

It's not tipped quite near that side of the scale. Doesn't hold enough weight to. But it also isn't tipped too much towards the good side. It's not great. It's just okay.

Felix is okay, and he's working on getting better.

Before he was on the bad side. Not in the middle, or even leaning towards bad. It was bad.

If he was still there, he might've thought that that was the best he could ever get. But it isn't, and he knows that now.