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It starts as a headache. Nothing unordinary - just a subtle throbbing that only intensifies when Killua begins to think too much. Stop thinking so much idiot.
Pale fingers weave through his hair. It’s getting a bit too long. He hasn’t cut it in a while. The headache spreads beneath his curls and his fists pull the follicles taut as though that will abate its spread. Stop thinking. He winces.
“...Killua?”
Ah. He forgot he isn’t alone. Gon studies him with mounting concern. He always cares so much.
“We should head back to the hotel room,” Killua says nonchalantly. He’s trained to school his face into something unreadable. Over the years, he’s adapted that skill to mimic a variety of emotions outside of indifference. This time, he decides to pretend he’s tired. He relaxes his eyes, ignoring the twinge of pain between his eyebrows, and he breathes a convincing yawn. “I’m exhausted,” he says because sometimes all Gon needs is simple, verbal confirmation.
It works. Killua doesn’t know why he’s surprised when Gon accepts the lie so easily and he can’t help but feel a bit guilty.
“Then let’s go!” Gon leaps to his feet and runs several meters ahead before he whips back around with a smile that strikes something in Killua’s core. The headache is in his stomach now and he worries he might throw up the dinner they’d enjoyed together a mere hour ago. Stop thinking damnit! The world sways around him but Gon can’t know by the way Killua forces himself to smile or by the way he sings “Last one there gets the lumpy pillow!” as he takes off. He runs fast enough that there is no way at all that Gon could have seen the tremble in his hands or the quick break of his grin into something pained.
Gon wins the race and that’s fine by Killua. It gives him a few seconds to pull himself together in the stairwell. His thoughts are spiraling in his head so fast that he can’t make sense of them. It reminds him of when Illumi- No. But what if… NO. The pain between his eyes sharpens so much he sees static.
His body quivers as it tries to process contradicting commands as his brain screams and he settles for sitting on the metal stairs until he can control them enough to walk straight. Enough to convince Gon that he’s just tired. Enough to maintain this facade until whatever this is just goes away. Unless it doesn’t, a voice whispers from somewhere inside of him. Unless Illumi planted more than one-
“Enough!” he hisses into the empty stairwell.
Killua gets to his feet and forces himself, one step at a time, to the room where Gon is surely waiting for him, surely wondering where Killua disappeared to. Outside the door, Killua relaxes his jaw and rolls his shoulders back. He shoves his shaking hands into his pockets as he pushes the door open and strolls in just like he always does, feigning boredom and ignoring the strange look Gon gives him.
“Are you okay, Killua?” he asks.
Something about the look in Gon’s eyes and the mounting pain surfacing under Killua’s skin strikes a sour cord and Killua bristles. He feels suddenly defensive and isn’t quite sure where to direct his frustration. “I’m fine,” he grinds out. He kicks his shoes off with a grumble and hurries into the bathroom, pulling the door shut tightly behind him and securing the lock.
Now enclosed in a small, closed space, he can take a moment to assess himself. The pain ebbs in and out and he registers it at multiple points in his body. It seems centralized. Intentional. Almost like before, when he’d pulled Illumi’s needle from his own forehead.
The thought sends another spark of agony through his head and he doubles over. He wretches into the toilet as quietly as he can, and, when he knows there is nothing left in his stomach, he rests his head on the cool porcelain. You’d better pull yourself together, Killu.
Another wave of nausea overwhelms him. It’s been a while since he thought about Illumi and the more horrifying fact that, at some point in his life, his brother had managed to plant a needle in his head with the power to instill fear in him. Now, several years after removing the needle, Killua still feels fear and anxiety, sometimes to the extent that he thinks it might consume him. His whole body itches and it won’t stop.
What if that was because there had been more than one needle? Stop. Killua had spent twelve years training under Illumi’s watchful eye. Stop thinking! If he’d been able to place one, what was to stop him from placing one hundred? One thousand? One million?
“Stop!” He doesn’t recognize his own voice as it rips from his throat. He scratches at his skin desperately, seeking out the small needles. He knows they’re there. He knows.
A banging noise echoes through his cranium and that must mean he’s close. So close to finally ridding his mind of his brother’s influence. Illumi screams in his mind. Killua feels empowered when he hears it. He’s so close to freedom - real freedom!
His fingers dig and he smells the metal of the needles that pour from his arms, the thick scent of iron surrounding him, fogging his mind and coating his throat. It’s getting harder to breathe as Illumi’s cries are subtly replaced with a monotonous ringing.
“Get out,” he whispers as the needles continue to fall, as Illumi is fading and so is everything else. Something seizes his wrists and he fights it. He can’t let Illumi stop him. His family cannot have him any more. He won’t allow it. “Get out!” he repeats. “Get out! Get out!”
The pressure leaves his wrists and a warmth embraces him. Is that all of them? he wonders vaguely. Shadows dance in his vision but he focuses on the warmth and manages to bring his mind back to the present. To the bathroom in the hotel room he shares with Gon. To the wet tile floor beneath him. To the trembling figure that is embracing him. Gon.
“Gon?”
Golden brown eyes lift from where Gon has buried his face in Killua’s shoulder. He’s crying. “Killua?” he whispers in a voice so quiet Killua wonders if he actually heard if. “Killua,” he repeats as he pulls back and stares intently with furrowed brows. Why is he so upset?
The loss of contact brings awareness to how cold Killua is. He absentmindedly wraps his arms around himself and is shocked by the color red. Red everywhere. He’s dizzy and uncertain. “Gon…” he manages far too weakly. And then he is overcome by the shadows and the cold and the quiet. Finally, quiet.
The soft sound of beeping fades in and out. It’s oddly comforting. His head feels like it is stuffed with cotton and everything around him feels cold. He tries to focus on the beeping to clear the fog, to make sense of where he is and what’s happened. He remembers Gon… Where is Gon?
His breathing grows more erratic. His mind uselessly repeats - where is Gon where is Gon where is Gon where is Gon - like a broken record.
“You don’t need him,” a cold voice supplies from the fog. The voice is unmistakable. Each syllable rolls painfully through Killua’s head, triggering his fight or flight response. Instead, he freezes and Illumi is standing right in front of him.
They stare at one another for a long moment, blue eyes drowning in blank, endless ones. The beeping gets louder and Killua begins to panic because what does it mean?
Illumi breaks eye contact first, lowering his gaze to Killua’s side. Hesitantly, Killua follows suit. He sees Illumi’s pale hand hover by Killua’s left arm for only a second before a needle appears seemingly out of nowhere.
“You don’t need him, Killu,” he repeats. “You always have me, and I will always have you.” Killua watches with horror as the sliver of metal sinks into his skin, a bead of crimson blood beading around it.
Killua screams and seizes the needle with his right hand. The steady beeping is maddening now. He rips the needle out and throws it aside. Illumi looks up at him with something akin to disappointment, but then he fades away. Black and red spots swarm Killua’s vision. Hands grab his shoulders and he fights them, though he is too weak to do much to keep them away. They push him back until his head hits something soft and he feels ashamed about the noises he is making - cries and whimpers that will surely lead to greater punishment when Illumi decides to come back.
A voice speaks from his left but he can’t understand the words it says. A second voice responds from his right. Another needle ghosts his arm and he can’t take it anymore so he screams.
Something warm is on his face then. Warm and familiar and comforting. A sob builds in his chest and tears begin to wash away the black and red dots. Through blurred vision, he makes out a tan hand stroking his face, his hair, wiping away tears as they fall.
“Shhhhhh,” the voice says from the direction the arm is extended from. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay, Killua. I’m here. It’s me.”
“G- Gon?” he whimpers.
“That’s right. It’s me. You’re safe. It’s just me and the doctors. They need to put this needle in your arm, okay? I need you to let them help you.”
The rest of Gon comes slowly into focus and so do the doctors and the needle. Killua stares at the end of the needle with horror. No. It’s a trap. Because no matter how long he stares at the doctor holding the needle, all he sees is Illumi.
“Hey hey hey,” Gon says, trying to get Killua’s attention back. “You need to breathe, Killua. In and out. Can you do that?”
Killua doesn’t respond for a long moment. The light hits the needle and the doctor huffs with irritation. He can’t do it. He shakes his head slowly and the doctor starts to mutter something about not having time for such nonsense. Killua visibly shakes as it moves closer to him again, gloved hands reaching for his bandaged forearm.
“He doesn’t need that anymore.”
The needle stops. All eyes turn to the doorway.
“Dr. Paladiknight,” the doctor with the needle said, standing up. “Your patient is being ridiculous. He’s removed the IV and we need to-”
“I’ll take it from here, Dr. Tinnle.”
The other doctor shrugs and promptly leaves the room. Leorio takes his place and pointedly sets the needle down far away from where Killua is laying. Killua watches with wide eyes.
“You gave us quite a scare, kid,” Leorio says. He waits patiently for a long moment. Killua just stares silently, so Leorio continues. “I won’t use the needle any more, but I need to check your injuries. Can I touch you?”
Killua relaxes his shoulders enough to nod once, though he watches Leorio’s hands with caution. Leorio does everything slowly - from rewrapping a few bandages to taking Killua’s temperature and testing his blood pressure, every movement is predictable. By the time he’s done and is writing notes on a clipboard, Killua has relaxed enough to get a bearing on where he is.
Illumi isn’t here. It isn’t a trap. Or a dream. Gon is here and so is Leorio and there isn’t a needle in his arm anymore.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Gon asks. “Why did you hurt yourself?” Killua can read the stress etched on Gon’s face and he feels guilt eat at him from inside. He looks at his arms. They’re bandaged heavily enough that he has difficulty bending at his elbows. And they hurt as though they’ve been burned.
What had happened? He’d felt unwell. They’d raced home. And then… Oh. The needles. Had there really been any?
But that wasn’t really where it started, was it... He runs a bandaged hand through his hair, grasping at strands and tugging on them - an anxious habit he’s had since childhood. Gon notices and takes Killua’s hand in his own. He strokes it with a gentleness that Killua has only ever associated with Gon.
“I-” Killua starts, then stops, then wets his lips and tries again. “Illumi hid a needle in me.”
He is met with shocked looks from Gon and Leorio both and he knows he needs to explain more, but putting it into words and giving the context so many years after the initial incident is hard. But he will try anyway.
He clears his throat awkwardly. “Back then… when we were in NGL. I fought an ant that was going to attack you, Gon. When you were with Palm.” He hesitates here, wondering if Gon will be mad. If Gon will be disappointed. But Gon just squeezes his hand, an invitation to continue. A promise of support.
“It was like Illumi was with me, constantly. In my head, telling me to run. I- I couldn’t run. Not if it meant you’d die.” He chokes on his words when he notices the early shimmers of tears in Gon’s eyes. “Illumi was with me, in a way. I pull- pulled the needle from my- from my forehead and I-” he releases a sob, “I didn’t know it was there the whole time. And ever since, I just wonder- if- if-” He’s crying in earnest now. Surely he will be embarrassed later, but right now, he just needs Gon to understand, and Leorio, too.
Gon leans forward and hugs him as he tries to catch his breath.
Leorio watches. “You thought there might be more needles?” he says after Killua has collected himself enough to speak again.
Killua nods while he stares at the corner of the room, eyes focusing on where the wall meets the floor.
“Listen, kid. It makes sense why you reacted the way you did. I can’t know what all you’ve been through, but experiencing what you have at the age that you did can have long term effects. It’s not weak to work through those, but I need you to know that you don’t have to work through them alone, okay? Gon is here for you and so am I and so are Kurapika and Melody and all of your other friends. We won’t let Illumi hurt you. Never again.”
“How can you be so sure?” Killua asks in a pained, tired voice. “What if there are more needles and I’m just his puppet again and he makes me hurt you?”
Leorio considers the question for only a moment. “I have an idea,” he says warmly. “How about I arrange a test. We have a machine that can scan your whole body - without any needles or injections needed - and then you’ll know if you have any needles or nen-infused objects in you. Would that help you feel at ease?”
“This is stupid,” Killua grumbles, though it’s clear his frustration is directed inwardly by the way he closes in on himself and refuses to meet Leorio’s eyes.
“Nothing is stupid if it helps you feel safe,” Gon offers with a shy smile.
It’s a tempting offer. It certainly won’t hurt anything. Killua agrees with a small nod and that’s enough for Gon and Leorio. The scan is quick and painless and Leorio is happy to share the results, handing Killua a stack of papers and explaining what the various charts mean.
Leorio leaves Gon and Killua, then, mumbling something about having to run a few rounds but that he will be back within the hour. Gon waves him off and turns back to Killua when they are alone together.
“You had me scared,” he admits solemnly. Killua opens his mouth to apologize, but Gon cuts him off - “Don’t you dare say sorry when it’s your brother’s fault. I’m just- I’m happy you’re okay. I’m happy you’re going to be okay.” He folds his hands in his lap and twiddles his fingers.
“I’ll be okay,” Killua repeats. And this time, he knows he will. Because he has friends who support him, who love him, and who want him to feel safe. And those bonds run so much deeper than the scars that come with the Zoldyck name. He finally thinks he can heal.