Chapter Text
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of Weibo hot topic, it was the epoch of fake news, it was the season of gay ships, it was the season of anti-fans, it was the spring of CP1 culture, it was the winter of fujo-baiting.
Shang Qinghua hears Beethoven’s Symphony No.5 ringing in his ears as he gapes at Zhuzhi-Lang, eyes widened in alarm. His phone falls from his hands, screen still on the PUBG rank game he’s halfway through. On a regular day, he would probably freak out about losing rank, but right now, there are other more pressing, life-altering emergencies at hand. He shoots up from the waiting room’s couch and grabs his assistant agitatedly. “What did you just say!?”
“One of the actors pulled out from The Red Eye-Patch Ghost. The production crew found… Mobei-Jun to fill in for the role of Earth Master,” Zhuzhi-Lang repeats, slowly peeling himself away from Shang Qinghua, who looks seconds away from spontaneously combusting.
“Mobei-Jun…” Shang Qinghua murmurs to himself weakly, face drained of colour. He collapses back on the sofa and shields his face with his forearms, looking every bit like a medieval convict awaiting his impending doom. “Zhuzhi-Lang, contact a mortician and order me a coffin. If I’m passing away, I am doing it on my own terms.”
It is by an arbitrary twist of fate that Shang Qinghua and Mobei-Jun have become adversaries. In the three years that Shang Qinghua has been active in the industry, the rivalry between his and Mobei-Jun’s fans has shown no signs of stopping, their respective fan groups tearing at each other’s throats for as long as he can remember.
What is the cause of their antagonism you might ask?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Shang Qinghua has not even spoken more than six sentences to the guy.
It is not Shang Qinghua’s fault that he and Mobei-Jun happen to be from the same management company, or that they both made their debut in the same year. It is not Shang Qinghua’s fault that they happen to be of similar age and are both in the acting field. It is by the credit of that unfortunate alignment of the stars that out of the blue, Mobei-Jun’s fans came to a wholly radical conclusion that the both of them are adversaries vying tooth and nail for the company’s resources and are rivals in the pursuit of stardom.
Shang Qinghua wants to buy a loudhailer and scream to Mobei-Jun’s fans: Please wake up and open your eyes!!! Do you honestly believe there can be competition between Mobei-Jun and I?!?!
First of all, let’s not even forget that the company has arranged for Mobei-Jun and Shang Qinghua two entirely different images — Mobei-Jun that of a talented icy Greek God, and Shang Qinghua a mediocre flower boy.
Second of all, can their acting careers even be on the same level of comparison!? Mobei-Jun is a rising hotshot actor with a barrage of accolades and a fan count of millions; meanwhile, Shang Qinghua’s greatest achievement by far is that one time he played a dying soldier and the director told him: “Actually, you kind of look like you were about to take a nap instead of dying but it will do, I guess.” So what are his fans even worried about!? Do they really think Shang Qinghua is within the twenty foot-radius of being able to touch any of Mobei-Jun’s resources?
Shang Qinghua is not an actor. He is simply a man executing the motion of acting, and a soggy piece of cardboard box could potentially be a better performer than he is. This is not coming from a place of inferiority complex or crippling self esteem. This is coming from a place of having eyes to witness his own performance. On the bright side, this also signals to Shang Qinghua that all his fans truly love him for who he is — after all, there is nothing else to admire about him but his face.
But alas, deep in the trenches of Mobei-Jun’s fan group began a discourse of Shang Qinghua being the wicked villainess out to do harm to their knock-off Disney ice queen. That narrative grew and grew like a simulated penis, with various fans supplying their own theories about this fabricated competition until one day, their suppositions solidified into a hard, erect fact: Shang Qinghua was coming for their illustrious Mobei-Jun.
And that marked the day of Shang Qinghua’s supervillain origin story. But instead of falling into a vat of chemicals or a tank of electric eels or a pool of radioactive waste, Shang Qinghua fell victim to the evil powers of internet rumours.
If the both of them happen to wear a mildly similar-looking outfit in the same year, it must be Shang Qinghua copying Mobei-Jun’s style. If Shang Qinghua posts a mildly cryptic Weibo update, it must be him subtweeting Mobei-Jun. If both of them happen to be at the same event standing next to each other, it must be Shang Qinghua trying to gain clout by adhering himself to Mobei-Jun. If Shang Qinghua happens to look down while at said event, it must be because Shang Qinghua is attempting to hide his sneer of disgust. If Shang Qinghua blinks while Mobei-Jun is being interviewed, he is acting rude by closing his eyes in disinterest. If Shang Qinghua stops Professional Polite Smiling for two seconds, it must be him showing his disdain towards Mobei-Jun. If their shoulders accidentally brush whilst taking a photograph together, it must be Shang Qinghua violently jostling Mobei-Jun out of the way quarterback-style.
After the torrent of hate comments Shang Qinghua received from those instances, ranging from “Shang Qinghua is such a jealous ass bitch” to “ugh, when is he going to be blacklisted”, he has come up with a straightforward plan: don’t be in the same vicinity as Mobei-Jun. He thought that would be the end of it but no, he has grossly underestimated the limits of a defensive fan group’s imagination.
Earlier this year, Mobei-Jun had a minor sprain on his ankle whilst shooting an action film. Shang Qinghua thought he was safe from implication, being all the way at the other end of the country visiting a temple for blessings. When he saw the news erupt, he had quickly logged onto Weibo and uploaded the photos he had taken at the temple, emphasising his irrefutable alibi — if Shang Qinghua was a thousand miles away from Mobei-Jun then he can’t possibly be the cause of Mobei-Jun’s injury, right? WRONG!
If Mobei-Jun had an accident on set, it must be Shang Qinghua practising voodoo at the temple cursing for the literal downfall of Mobei-Jun.
[ and evil takes form in Shang Qinghua. Don’t be fooled, because he may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing, slut-faced ho-bag. But in reality, he is so much more than that. ]
[ my poor mbj falling to the evil crutches of SQH again *crying face* ]
[ really, black magic? People these days are willing to do anything for fame ]
Shang Qinghua gives up. Where is the surrender button? Even if Shang Qinghua flew to space to avoid any implications, fans would probably still think it’s Shang Qinghua’s fault for manipulating the constellations so it is against Mobei-Jun’s favour.
So it is not dramatic that Shang Qinghua is curating the Spotify playlist for his funeral right now because if he does not seppuku himself within the next 24 hours, he’s sure Mobei-Jun’s rabid fans will.
“Do you think I should Rickroll people at my funeral?” he asks Zhuzhi-Lang, who stands next to him with an empathetic expression on his face.
“It will be fine, don’t worry about it,” Zhuzhi-Lang consoles, handing him a takeout bag. “Here, your zha jiang mian2.”
“No, it will not be fine!” Shang Qinghua retaliates. “We’re in the same set! Do you know what this means?!”
“You’ll get plenty of chances to assault him?”
“Ye— NO!” Shang Qinghua stares at his assistant disbelievingly. “I have nothing against the guy!” Shang Qinghua sighs despairingly as he uncovers the plastic lid and begins digging in like it’s his Last Supper. Where is Shang Qinghua’s Bradley Cooper to be the only person in a room of hundred who believes in him?
Zhuzhi-Lang excuses himself shortly after to sort out some scheduling issues with the production team, and like a good millennial, Shang Qinghua props his phone against a plastic water bottle and begins scrolling Weibo in between mouthfuls of minced-pork noodles.
The cyberworld appears relatively normal today, its population make-up unchanging from the norm — 60% positive vibes from his fans, 40% speculating what kind of demonic spell Shang Qinghua will cast on Mobei-Jun next. As Shang Qinghua scrolls through his messages, he notices a peculiar one sandwiched between the mix of hate comments:
[ Ahhhhhh another day of manifesting the rise of Moshang!!! *heart eyes* *heart eyes* *heart eyes* Bless me with some dog food today guan yin ma3! ]
Manifesting the rise of who? Is this a typo? Shang Qinghua wonders confoundedly as he clicks into the commenter’s profile, curious about the out-of-context comment they left. Before Shang Qinghua knows it, one thing leads to another and soon Shang Qinghua finds himself experiencing a cosmic spiritual awakening that has opened his third eye.
Buried in the dirty apocalyptic wastelands of the internet is a sacred, pastoral space untainted by the evils of human darkness. It is the light of the last undying star, the last bag of Cheetos in the supermarket aisle, the last order of bubble tea at 10.59pm when the store closes at 11pm.
As Shang Qinghua lands in a fan group named Moshang Nation, he knows he has found the lord and saviour leading him to the path of salvation.
For the first time in forever, there’ll be music, there’ll be light. For the first time in forever, Shang Qinghua is not the evil stepmother jealous of Mobei-Jun’s snow white beauty.
In this sanctified group, Shang Qinghua is not the despicable villain out to ruin Mobei-Jun’s life:
If the both of them happen to wear a mildly similar-looking outfit in the same year, it must be a couple coordinate! If Shang Qinghua posts a mildly cryptic Weibo update, it must be him subtweeting a love note to Mobei-Jun. If both of them are at the same event standing next to each other, you bet there’ll be two hundred variations of pink hearts and dreamy bubbles edited around them. If Shang Qinghua happens to look down while at said event, it must be because Shang Qinghua is attempting to hide his blush from being so close to Mobei-Jun. If Shang Qinghua blinks while Mobei-Jun is being interviewed, he is so blinded by Mobei-Jun’s beauty that he cannot bear another look. If Shang Qinghua stops Professional Polite Smiling for two seconds, it must be him having a That’s So Raven moment visualising their prospective future together. If their shoulders accidentally brush whilst taking a photograph together, it must be them flirting, unable to hold their impassioned and overflowing love for each other even in public.
[ SQH’s looking so cute in that denim shirt! ]
[ If I could sell my firstborn in exchange for a signed Moshang poster, I would ]
[ Moshang is love, Moshang is life ]
[ The way MBJ LOOKS at SQH??!?!? I’m deCEASED!!!! Tell my mother I died from type II diabetes ]
[ When is our venerable MBJ and SQH going to drop us peasants some dog food??? It’s been a week T____T ]
Pinned at the top of the group page is an impressive 128 pages-long PDF document detailing a FBI-worthy timeline of Shang Qinghua and Mobei-Jun’s appearances and interactions, alongside a collation of relevant links, photoshopped pictures, fanarts and AMVs. As Shang Qinghua watches the pink-filtered fancam of him and Mobei-Jun sitting stoically next to each other during an award ceremony, Shang Qinghua is convinced:
Moshang is Rio!!!4
Look at the way their eyes sparkle like a thousand galaxies when they meet each other’s gazes! Look at how closely they are standing next to each other like they cannot bear to be apart! Look at how compatible they look in this photoshopped picture like they were born for each other! Look at how you can practically feel their fervent love radiating through the screen!
Moshang is Rio!!! Shang Qinghua chants to himself until he realises one very important detail — he makes up one-half of the aforementioned pair and he doesn’t remember being in an underground relationship with Mobei-Jun. Shang Qinghua mulls over this again for two seconds just to double-check.
Nope, Error 404. File not Found.
So Moshang is not Rio?!?! Shang Qinghua wails tragically to himself. Why do all good things come to an end so quickly?! He lights a candle for his Titanic ship before a wayward thought strikes him—doesn’t mean he cannot ship it still!
Moshang is Rio!!! Shang Qinghua cheers triumphantly and promises to himself that even if he were dead and nailed in the coffin, he would wrestle out of the ground and scream “Moshang is rio!!!!” with his dying breath.
Unsurprisingly, Shang Qinghua falls deeper into the rabbit homo hole of no return. He promptly switches to his spam account and spends the next hour in the waiting room bingeing on the countless food found in the group. Soon enough, he lands on a rather popular AMV circulating in the community. The video features clips of him and Mobei-Jun in their respective acting projects, stitched together in a way that makes it seem like they’re in a Romeo and Juliet-esque tragedy. The usage of a monochrome filter coupled with the weepy soundtrack of Descendants of the Sun playing in the background makes for the perfect tear-jerking love story between two ill-fated star-crossed lovers. Shang Qinghua is impressed. The creator has somehow even managed to salvage his garbage-tier acting into a passable kindergarten-school-play standard with some clever trimming and effects.
This is the first time Shang Qinghua has closely examined the work of his adversary and he cannot help but be in awe of how Mobei-Jun truly is the full package — god-defying good looks, impeccable acting and abs more sculpted than Michelangelo ever could. Shang Qinghua glances down at his own stomach flatter than Gong Jun’s singing. Is this why he doesn’t have tens of millions of fans?
As Shang Qinghua glues himself to his phone screen, engrossed in the riveting tale conveyed in the AMV, he does not hear the door crack open or see a figure quietly standing behind his back. It takes him a few seconds to notice another presence in the room and when he does, he unwillingly tears his gaze from his phone screen and asks Zhuzhi-Lang, “What took you so long—”
Shang Qinghua chokes on air when he sees a stone-faced man standing two feet away from him, staring quizzically at his phone that is currently displaying Mobei-Jun in one of his earlier TV dramas. The silence in the air is so thick Nicki Minaj’s plastic surgeon wishes they could replicate it.
Clang!
A loud rattle echoes in the suffocatingly awkward waiting room as Shang Qinghua, out of pure survival instincts, throws his phone into the rubbish bin underneath the dressing table.
The air of awkwardness was not alleviated by that.
“Haha… iPhones these days, am I right? The vibrations are so strong it… rattled… into… the… rubbish bin…” Shang Qinghua finishes lamely, eyes darting between his longtime adversary and his iPhone in the rubbish bin still dramatically singing iiiiiii love yoooooooooooooooou onlyyyyy youuuuuuu~
He coughs and waves weakly. “Hi.”
“Hello,” Mobei-Jun greets in return.
Shang Qinghua scratches the back of his head and racks for something to say. “So… come here often?”
Mobei-Jun stares at him expressionlessly.
“You’re the Earth Master, right? We have many mutual scenes, we should practice our lines together some time haha…” Shang Qinghua continues feebly, wishing the coffin he had ordered would arrive in the next ten seconds.
“Okay,” Mobei-Jun answers curtly, making no effort to continue the conversation.
Shang Qinghua forces a polite smile.
…
…
…
Okay? Okay? OKAY, why isn’t he leaving the room!?!? Shang Qinghua screams to himself, finding himself an unwilling participant in an impromptu staring contest with Mobei-Jun, who is neither speaking or leaving the damn waiting room.
So it is up to Shang Qinghua to carry the conversation? Shang Qinghua doesn’t want to carry the conversation! He wants to carry the weight of his shame and enter seclusion for the next 300 years forgetting this ever happened! Shang Qinghua cannot believe Mobei-Jun has witnessed him watching a fan-made video shipping himself and Mobei-Jun! What is Mobei-Jun going to think!? That Shang Qinghua is a narcissistic, delusional, degenerate fudanshi!?
Shang Qinghua wants to dissolve into a puddle and trickle into the Dead Sea so no one can perceive him. But after ten seconds of heavy silence, he comes to the grave realisation that he is not Aang and has not mastered the craft of waterbending. He resigns to his fate of being the one to fill in the silence between the both of them. Channeling the spirit of his inner Asian Mum, he asks, “... have you eaten?”
To Shang Qinghua’s absolute dismay, Mobei-Jun does not take the social cue to respond to that blatantly perfunctory question with an equally perfunctory answer that would end the conversation so that they could both move on with their lives and Shang Qinghua can finish watching the AMV. Instead, Mobei-Jun disgustingly chooses to be honest and answer, “No.”
“...” Shang Qinghua stares at him for a beat before gesticulating hesitantly at his cold, forgotten and half-eaten zha jiang mian. “Do you… want some?”
Shang Qinghua highly expects Mobei-Jun to simply say no and walk off so Shang Qinghua can resume his peaceful villager life. But alas, he gapes in utter bewilderment when Mobei-Jun answers an affirmative and sits himself down next to Shang Qinghua. On a scale of zero to ten, Mobei-Jun’s social intelligence is negative five.
Shang Qinghua uses the plastic lid of the takeaway container as a makeshift plate to scoop noodles on, while simultaneously pretending not to feel the air of awkwardness choking him so hard he’s about to call it a Popeyes biscuit. As he spoons up portions of sliced cucumbers and minced pork from the container, he asks, “Do you want me to add more?”
“Is there anything else you would like to add?” Mobei-Jun throws the ball back at him.
Shang Qinghua cannot be blamed for what happens next when he has spent the past hour of his life aggressively invested in the love story between him and Mobei-Jun, reading fanfictions of how the both of them met in a cafe after Shang Qinghua accidentally spilled coffee on him, or how Mobei-Jun is an Alpha that rescued a frail Omega Shang Qinghua while he was in heat. It is a WatchMojo’s 2021 Top 10 Anime Betrayals moment when his mouth decides to say, “How about your contact?”
…
…
…
Oh God! Did he just try to flirt with his adversary using a lousy pick-up line!? Shang Qinghua screams in his head. Shang Qinghua does not do well with stress and this is what happens! Diamonds are made under pressure but Shang Qinghua is no coal! He is only a plebeian man who got sucked into the blackhole of Moshang fanfiction! He does not deserve this punishment!
Silently observing Shang Qinghua, Mobei-Jun slowly fishes out his phone and shows Shang Qinghua his WeChat QR code. “Here.”
Shang Qinghua heaves a sigh of relief. He’s glad that Mobei-Jun, being a steel-pipe-straight man, does not think anything odd of the situation. Mobei-Jun does not need to know that 20 minutes ago, Shang Qinghua was reading a Weibo prompt about how Mobei-Jun had him bent over a table, spat on his face and called him a dirty little whore. Shang Qinghua sheepishly shuffles to the dustbin to retrieve his phone and swiftly exits all the incriminating tabs he has on. He returns to his seat, scans the QR code and mumbles a small thanks.
Luckily, Zhuzhi-Lang has decided to take pity on him and returns to the waiting room, saving Shang Qinghua from this hell called Mobei-Jun.
“Okay, I— Mobei-Jun!?” Zhuzhi-Lang’s eyes widen when he sees the second figure in the room but manages to quickly compose himself a beat later. “Hi, I’m Zhuzhi-Lang, Shang Qinghua’s assistant.”
Mobei-Jun gives a nod of acknowledgement before tucking into the cold and bloated noodles.
Zhuzhi-Lang uses this distraction to pull Shang Qinghua aside and whisper, “Why is your adversary in your waiting room eating your leftover lunch?!”
“I don’t know!” Shang Qinghua whispers back, “he just came in and said he was hungry!”
Zhuzhi-Lang casts a doubtful look at him. “Is this a ploy to poison your rival so you can receive more company resources?”
Shang Qinghua huffs, affronted. “No!” he denies, not forgetting to keep his voice hushed. “Stop reading those online forums slandering me!”
Completely disregarding Shang Qinghua’s defence, Zhuzhi-Lang continues, “What did you put in the noodles?” And in an even lower tone, “Do you need me to buy more ‘seasoning’?”
“I am not attempting to murder Mobei-Jun!” Shang Qinghua squawks, unable to help raising his voice from the agitation. Belatedly realising his blunder, he freezes and slowly twists his neck towards the couch.
Mobei-Jun, who has heard this criminal allegation, peers towards Shang Qinghua’s direction, expression unreadable as always.
“U-uh… I mean,” Shang Qinghua stutters, feeling sweat gather in his armpits from Mobei-Jun’s burning scrutiny. “The only murdering around here is you killing me with your good looks.”
The actor raises his brow.
To reinforce his claim, Shang Qinghua raises his hand in a finger gun, points it at his chest and mimics firing it. Using his 2/10 acting skills, he clutches his chest and stumbles backwards dramatically. “Shot through the heart and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name,” he sings.
Zhuzhi-Lang shields his face with a hand and turns away, wanting to distance himself as far away from Shang Qinghua as possible.
A fraction of a smile appears on Mobei-Jun’s face for approximately half a second before he lowers his neck to resume eating like nothing happened.
Shang Qinghua heaves a sigh of relief. Guess those corny fanfiction came in handy! He knew Moshang fanfiction was going to change the world! Turning back to Zhuzhi-Lang, he threatens, “Stop believing everything Weibo is saying! You’re with me everyday, you should know me better!”
Zhuzhi-Lang shrugs. “Can’t judge a book by its cover.”
Narrowing his eyes at his assistant menacingly, Shang Qinghua makes his way back to Mobei-Jun to avoid any suspicions of planning a diabolical conspiracy behind his back. Settling on the couch, he sneaks careful peeks at the man, watching the way Mobei-Jun is eating the congealed noodles regally as though it were a five-course Michelin meal.
So this is the man of Chinese girls’ dreams? Damn, if Shang Qinghua was gay (which he isn’t), he would totally want this man in his wet dreams too! At least his fans have good taste by shipping him and Mobei-Jun together. As Shang Qinghua surveys the density of his nemesis’ eyelashes, the contour of his jawline to the outline of his torso, his mind halts at a harrowing revelation.
Wait a minute! Why do fans automatically assume Shang Qinghua is the bottom?!?!?!?!
What’s the difference between him and Mobei-Jun?! Aren’t both of them straight men all the same?! Which means Shang Qinghua could totally be on top too! Just because Shang Qinghua does not have thirty one pieces of abs does not mean he cannot be the top! This is abdominal discrimination! The United Nation will not stand for this infringement of human rights! Why is the fan group called Moshang and not Shangmo? Or Shangbei, Shangjun, Qingmo, Qingbei, Qingjun, Huamo, Huabei, Huajun? All the possibilities out there but the fans have limited their imagination!
While Shang Qinghua simmers in his dissension of ship names, he does not notice Mobei-Jun calling for him. “Shang Qinghua,” Mobei-Jun repeats for the third time, giving a gentle push on Shang Qinghua’s shoulder.
Startled, Shang Qinghua jumps and blurts, “No, I could totally top you!—”
“...?” Mobei-Jun raises a brow in a mixture of confusion and disdain.
Shang Qinghua thanks the heavens that Mobei-Jun is a homosexual straight man that has no idea what he’s talking about.
“—Top you in PUBG, I mean. Do you play?” Nice save!
“A little.”
“Okay, no worries,” he assures, patting his own chest confidently, “Daddy Qinghua will carry you to Mercury and back.”
Mobei-Jun’s brows furrow.
“I mean… your humble servant Qinghua will carry your royal highness through the upheaval of the court.”
Mobei-Jun does not look impressed so Shang Qinghua amends, “I’ll carry you up 3799 steps of stairs even if it costs me my life?”
“...”
“Okay, you don’t need me to carry you,” Shang Qinghua quickly backtracks.
“How about you carry me, then?” Shang Qinghua tries one final time, blinking hopefully at Mobei-Jun.
“...”
Hello, Mobei-Jun is your mic working? Is Shang Qinghua destined to be the only one unmuted?! Give him something to work with, Mobei-Jun! Shang Qinghua is at his wit’s end here! How is Shang Qinghua supposed to know what his adversary is thinking when that man has approximately 1.5 different facial expressions outside of work?!
Luckily, salvation comes in the form of the production assistant informing them to be on standby, and Shang Qinghua springs up from his seat, not wanting to spend another minute in this awkwardness.
“Well, it’s been great talking to you, Mobei-Jun, I really enjoyed the stimulating discussions we’ve had, it was truly phenomenal. I will engrave this moment on my tombstone and have it immortalised till the end of civilisation,” Shang Qinghua prattles as he inches towards the exit with a stealth that James Bond would be proud of and flees.
Dear AITA SubReddit,
Am I (25 M) the asshole for wanting to quit my job because my adversary (25 M), whom I ship myself with, accidentally found me watching an AMV of us being passionately in love?
Eagerly waiting for help online!!! Please help!!!!