Chapter Text
It would have been easier if he was everything they thought he was.
If he was even half the horrible side that all of them thought, he would have made good on his threat. Would have set fire to the mindscape, cackling all the while until nothing was left of Thomas but a hollowed-out charred husk.
But…he couldn’t do that.
Remus was a part of Thomas, and there was nothing Remus could do to change that. And despite everything that the sides thought of him, he wasn’t actually trying to ruin Thomas’s life.
He just thought Thomas should focus on different things every now and then. That wasn’t so much to ask, was it?
Was it?
After his impassioned parting words to the light sides, Remus found himself floating in the subconscious ether, unsure of where he wanted to go.
He wasn’t welcome on the light side, or the imagination, thanks to Roman. And Janus was probably already preparing to smother and hide Remus away until he calmed down.
Well, he didn’t really want that either. Janus loved him, sure, but he didn’t always listen to Remus. Because Janus was made to protect Thomas, and he took that job very seriously.
Even if that meant protecting him from Remus.
But…if Janus was there, in the dark side…
Then he probably wasn’t watching the door to the real world.
And no one would ever look for him there.
Mind made up, Remus ran for the door, manifesting in the real world a moment later, rising up in his usual spot behind the TV in Thomas’s living room. He contemplated the likelihood that he'd be able to get out from behind it without knocking everything over, winced, and just teleported past it.
Thomas was actually asleep for once. He'd been on a bit of an upswing lately, going to bed on time and eating right and exercising his mind and body.
Probably in an effort to get rid of Remus before he could show up again, Remus thought morosely. It figured.
He shouldn't be here. No doubt his mere presence was enough to set Thomas off down the path to terrible-mental-health’s-ville and everyone would have more reasons to hate him.
Well.
Maybe he could try to help that a little bit, and then the fallout wouldn't be so bad.
Conjuring things in the real world was much harder than it was within the mindscape, but Remus wasn't one half of creativity for nothing. Still, after conjuring everything that he would need, he could feel the drain on his power, feel his eyes start to ache from exhaustion and his fingers start to tingle in a way that was very not good.
He carefully arranged the box, making sure that all of its contents could be seen at a glance, and decided to walk up the stairs to Thomas's room instead of teleporting. Save a little of his energy so he could stay longer.
If he was allowed to stay at all.
Purposely trying not to make any creepy noises, he crept into Thomas's bedroom, placing the box on the end of his bed and hoping that he wouldn't kick it over. To his dismay, Thomas was already tossing and turning, a little furrow between his eyebrows and a frown on his face even in sleep.
He wasn't even trying and Remus was already messing this up.
Maybe if he wasn't in the same room, then his presence wouldn't affect Thomas so strongly. He was about to turn and head back down the stairs when Thomas grunted, saying something garbled in his sleep and spooking Remus into teleporting.
He only made it as far as the bathroom down the hall before his strength gave out on him, his power depleted for the time being. He couldn't leave, even if he wanted to.
Just his luck.
Miserably, he glanced at his reflection in the mirror, and started in surprise. His makeup had run completely down his face, mascara and eyeshadow and snot smeared everywhere.
What…
Had he been crying this whole time?
And he hadn't noticed?
That…probably wasn't good.
He tried to wipe his face clean, but only succeeded in making it worse. Like usual.
Maybe a nap would make him feel better. He'd certainly slept in worse places than this.
He made himself a makeshift pillow out of a folded towel and got into the tub, wiggling around to try and find the most comfortable position.
Maybe Thomas wouldn't find him at all.
Remus awoke to the sound of the bathroom door opening, the light flicking on a moment later. He held very still, hoping that Thomas wouldn't look past the shower curtain…
Oh, who was he kidding? With Remus spewing all kinds of intrusive thoughts about serial killers, of course Thomas immediately checks the shower curtain now.
(It didn't matter that Remus started giving Thomas those thoughts because he thought it would help Virgil. After all, if Thomas was more vigilant, then he wouldn't have to be afraid of missing something, right? But of course it didn't work out that way; Virgil just hated that Remus made Thomas scared, and he didn't give a fuck about why .)
He braced himself as Thomas pulled back the shower curtain. Who would he scream for first? Roman? He was the prince after all, the knight in shining armor. Or maybe he wouldn't even have to scream, maybe Virgil would just appear to drag Remus back to the dark, where he belonged.
He waited.
And waited.
Finally he couldn't stand the suspense anymore, and looked up through his bangs. Thomas was definitely still there, standing over him with an absolutely unreadable expression on his face.
“...hi?” Remus said, confused. Why was Thomas looking at him like that?
“Have you been here all night?”
Remus blinked. That certainly wasn't what Remus expected him to say. Something more along the lines of “what are you doing here” and “get out” and “I never want to see you again” was more of what he was expecting.
“Yes?” he said, drawing out the word. “I didn't do anything to your apartment, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“It’s not.” Thomas said, and Remus tried very hard not to flinch at his core’s flat voice. “I meant, have you been in the tub all night?”
“No? I...I was in your room? Earlier?” he winced. That sounded bad , even to his ears. “But I left when I started affecting you. I swear I did-”
“Why didn't you leave?”
Remus inhaled, fighting the tightness in his chest. Of course, of course one little box of junk wouldn't make Thomas forget that Remus was the bad side , the one side he didn't want to exist period , let alone roam around his apartment. Virgil, even Janus could have good traits but Remus?
Remus was rotten to the core, and didn't deserve pity.
“Sorry.” he said, in the most subdued voice he ever heard come out of his own mouth. “I’m sorry, Thomas. I’ll go now.”
“No, wait!” Thomas said, reaching for him as Remus started to sink out. “I mean, why didn't you want to go back to the mindscape? Why did you want to be here? And what is that box?”
“The box was... is for you.” Remus said, because that was the easiest answer to start with. “It's a bribe box.”
“What do you mean?” Thomas said, putting the lid of the toilet seat down and sitting on it. “What’s a bribe box?”
“So that you would let me stay.” Remus said. He flinched at the noise Thomas made, interpreting it as indignation, or amusement at the idea that Remus could do something good. But…if it had worked for Virgil, maybe it would work for Thomas? He just had to explain it. How did he do it all those years ago?
“I know I...I make you uncomfortable. I set off your anxiety, and I give you intrusive thoughts, and I don't really know how to stop doing that. But I filled the box with all the stuff Logan recommends for intrusive thoughts and anxiety and shit, and I thought that would be enough for at least a couple of hours-”
“Remus, you gotta breathe, buddy.”
Remus did as he was told, inhaling great gulps of air. Great, he was probably crying again. He wondered if dehydration made you hear things; Remus could have sworn he heard Thomas call him ‘buddy’, but that was completely impossible.
“You don't want to go back to the mindscape?”
Remus shook his head miserably.
“And there’s nowhere else you can go?” Thomas prompted, “Don't you and Roman share the imagination?”
“Yeah. Share.” Remus scoffed wetly. “That’s not how I'd put it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean it's not really sharing when he makes a point to destroy everything I make, is it?” Remus said, temporarily forgetting that it was Thomas and not Janus he was speaking to, “Because I made it, so it must be evil and vile and dangerous. And he’s the protector of the imagination, cant have monsters roaming around in there giving you nightmares.”
He shut his mouth with a snap. “Sorry. You don't care, I know.” he said quietly.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because he’s your hero. You’re always gonna take his side.” he sighed, slumping over his knees. “Look, I'm sorry I ruined your sleep schedule, I know you were doing really well and I ruined that again. And I know you don't believe me, but I'm not trying to cause trouble, so please don't call Roman or Virgil-”
“Call them...for what?”
“To kick me out. I’ll go if you want, but don't call them. Not unless you want me to die.” he blinked, glancing at Thomas out of the corner of his eye. “Do you want me to die, Thomas?”
He had meant that to be a goading kind of guilt trip, to poke at the parts of Thomas that were Patton, through and through, but instead it came out as a sincere, vulnerable question.
Do you want me to die, Thomas?
Would it make you happy if I did?
It would be the first time I ever made you happy… and the last, I guess.
But if you wanted me gone…
Then no one would call me selfish for wanting to go.
“Remus?”
Remus jumped at the light touch to his shoulder. “Sorry. I got distracted. What was I saying?”
“Do you want to stay here?” Thomas asked, then clarified, “I mean, here, in the bathroom?”
“I…yes?”
Even if he was confined to the bathroom, it would still be preferable to going back to either one of the mindscapes.
“Okay.” Thomas said, nodding decisively. “Do you want to be alone, or can I stay with you?”
“Can…can you stay with me ?” Remus repeated, not quite sure he was understanding.
“Yes.”
“It…it’s your apartment, Thomas, you can do whatever you want.”
“I’m asking you. Do you want to be alone?”
What was going on? Was Remus dreaming?
Is this what having a good dream was like?
“…no.” Remus said, hoping against hope that he wasn't about to give Thomas the keys to his destruction. “I don’t ever want to be alone. I hate being alone.”
“Okay.” Thomas said, pulling out his phone. “Let me know if you want to go somewhere else.”
And then he started scrolling through tumblr, leaving Remus feeling wrong footed and terribly confused.
Screw dreaming, was this what dying felt like? Getting to live out all your wildest dreams while your brain slowly shuts down?
“What are you doing?”
“Sitting with you.” Thomas said immediately. “I’m here if you want to talk, but if you want to go back to sleep, then that's okay too.”
“No, I mean…” Remus waved his arms at Thomas, sitting on an uncomfortable toilet seat in his bathroom in the middle of the night, all to keep him company. Every aspect of the situation was incomprehensible, no matter how he looked at it. “Why are you being nice to me? You hate me.”
Something shattered in Thomas's expression. “I don't hate you, Remus.”
“Yes, you do. You wish I was gone.” Remus said, his voice wavering. “You never listen to me, you hate every idea I have, and you want me gone, just like Roman and Patton and Virgil want me gone.”
“I…” Thomas looked devastated, his hands white knuckled around his phone. “I wouldn't be who I am without you, Remus. I could never want you totally gone.”
“Your Janus is showing.” Remus said dryly, running his hand under his nose. “You don't have to lie to me, Thomas. I’ve only ever been honest with you, the least you could do is not lie to me.”
Thomas’s eyes looked wet for some reason. Maybe Remus's stench was making him tear up or something.
“Come on.” he said after a moment, “Let’s…let’s get out of here, do something fun, just the two of us.”
“Why?”
Thomas looked pained, but he held out a hand to help Remus up.
“I think it's time I got to know you, Remus.”