Chapter Text
It is a normal afternoon. By normal, Chandler means just as boring as every other day is. They are at Central Perk and Monica is avoiding talking about the guy she was seeing. She’s always been very vague about her boyfriends. Chandler could never judge, though. He is, too.
There’s something that needs to be cleared up right away. Chandler isn’t closeted , exactly. At least he claimed that; to himself, of course, because there was no one else to tell . He is just very, very selective about the people he tells. Sure, it’s the 90s, there had never been a better time to be gay, but it is still something you’d rather not be. And sure, these people are his friends, but he knows better than anyone that opinions can be stronger than friendship. Kip had certainly proved that, hadn’t he?
He’s cut out of his half-zoned out state when Ross walks through the door, holding an umbrella but completely drenched, and immediately begins to describe, graphically, how bad he feels. It’s because of Carol, of course. Today is the day she’d moved her stuff out, Monica informs the rest of them. They all tease him about how unbelievable it is that he never realized she was a lesbian, but Chandler can’t honestly say he had been surprised. Ross seemed to have bad luck determining if someone was gay or not. This had led to Carol, obviously; Chandler as a best friend; and a few slaps on the face. Idly, he wonders if he would be a lesbian if he were a woman. Probably. His father would have fucked him up no matter what gender he was. It would be easier if he were a lesbian. Girls were allowed to hold hands, hug, even kiss without it being weird. Guys… It just wasn’t that easy.
“Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian,” he says idly, not realizing the words had left his mouth until everyone turns to stare at him. “Did I say that out loud? ” Thankfully, no one cares enough to ask what the hell he’s on about, although Phoebe stares at him quizzically for a moment before returning to her coffee.
The group resumes talking, trying to get Ross out of his mood. It doesn’t work.
“I don’t want to be single, okay?” he is saying. “I just want to be married again.”
And just as he finishes speaking, a woman in a wedding dress flies into the shop, frantically looking around. This brings a thousand jokes to mind, most of which are very good, if you ask him. Before he could choose which one was the best, a response just pops out. “And I just want a million dollars!”
Already, something new has caught his interest, a magazine, and he is starting to pick it up when Monica rushes over to the bride. “Rachel?” she asks, seemingly caught between disbelief and excitement. The other girl, Rachel, hugs her and starts telling her about how she went to her apartment to find her and then stalked her to the coffee shop. Creepy, if you ask him.
Monica brings her over and officially introduces her to the group; Rachel, another Lincoln High Survivor. She looks vaguely familiar, and later he would find out that he’d met her at a Geller Thanksgiving back in college. Of course he’d forgotten; he repressed everything about the Geller parents.
She starts telling her story, about half an hour before the wedding she’d gotten cold feet. She pauses at this part, like there’s more she wanted to say. She then goes on to talk about how Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Chandler finds himself zoning out a few times, tapping his leg, waiting for her to finish. He spends the time looking around at the others to see what they think of the newcomer. Phoebe looks intrigued; Joey looks like he was going to make a move on her the second he could, which made Chandler’s heart lurch for a reason he couldn’t explain; and Ross and Monica are wearing a similar look of adoration for the girl. Chandler finds this vaguely interesting before he allows his mind to wander again.
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The six of them are back in Monica’s apartment, a huge thing not fit for one. That is, at least, what Chandler and Joey say every time they ask to switch apartments. Monica can hear Rachel on the phone, drowning out the soap opera they’re trying to watch. She doesn’t mind; the phone call is much more interesting.
“Daddy, I just… I can’t marry him.” A pause. “I’m sorry. I just don’t love him.” Another pause. “Well, it matters to me!” The next bit is cut off by her friends shouting “Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!” and the resulting cheers when she does.
What Rachel says after, however, was unmissable. In a shout, she says, “Daddy, listen !” Though they aren’t the ones being addressed, everyone in the room grows quiet and turns to look at her. “It’s like… it’s like all my life, everyone’s always told me, ‘You’re a shoe. You’re a shoe, and there’s another shoe out there that’s going to look perfect with you.’ And today I just stopped and I said to myself, ‘What if I don’t want a shoe? What if I want a purse?’”
There is silence for a second, and Monica thinks maybe the message has finally kicked in. Until she shouts, “ No , I don’t want you to buy me a purse! I want to be with a purse! It’s a metaphor, Daddy.” Silence again. “A metaphor that means… that means… maybe I don’t want to marry Barry. Maybe I don’t want to marry a guy at all!” The resulting pause lasts forever as Monica tries to figure out what exactly the other girl means. Surely , she didn’t mean… But, oh, she does, because next she is taking a deep breath and saying, “Daddy! I think I’m… I think I’m a lesbian. This is my life, and I get to choose how to live it.” Monica can hear the dial tone from where she is. Of course, it's hard to miss, as the room has fallen completely silent.
After a moment, Monica clears her throat. As the mom friend of the group, she often has to step in like this, whether it’s an argument between Ross and Phoebe on the existence (or lack thereof) of ghosts or a fight between Chandler and Joey about a girl that neither of them really seemed that into. “Rachel, honey, do you… do you need to stay somewhere for a little while? Because I’ve been looking for a roommate…”
Rachel looks up, confused. “You still want to talk to me? After I just said I thought I was a lesbian?”
Monica stares straight at her, afraid to see what her friends’ faces look like, or, god, her brother, the man who has just been dumped by his lesbian wife. “Of course, Rach. That’s what friends do.”
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Joey is very surprised, and very confused, for many reasons. This is often true, but moreso today. To be fair to him, he’d just been presented with a lot of information! First off, hot new girl, lesbian. Second, Monica wasn’t homophobic? He knew she wasn’t a firm homophobe, had seen her wince as her parents talked about how 'queers should all die', but there had always been the thought that she was opposed to it. That she was simply less outspoken than her parents. He’s relieved, sort of. If Chandler ever were to find out that he's bisexual and kicked him out of the apartment, he’d at least have one friend left. Not that he thinks Chandler would do that, he’s such a good guy, but… you can’t be too careful. It’s not worth it, to risk losing his best friend over being bi.
Everyone has taken this turn of events rather well. By this he means that no one had brought it up. He knows he hadn’t just imagined it, though, because Ross is doing the brooding thing he’d come to associate with lesbians.
Then Paul the Wine Guy shows up, a welcome interruption and an excuse for Joey and Chandler to leave. Paul is cute but awkward, which makes Chandler feel awkward, so he leaves with Joey quickly, reminding Ross that they will be there to help him move into his new apartment later. Once they are back in their apartment, Joey risks what he thought was a safe question. “Today’s been eventful, right?”
“I can’t see why you’d say that,” his friend replies. “It feels like every day that a lesbian backs out of a marriage to find true happiness.”
“Very funny,” Joey replies sarcastically, though he isn’t offended. “Rachel seems nice, though, doesn’t she?”
Chandler looks up from the Rubik’s cube he’d been working on. It was a thing that he did to focus, he’d do something with his hands while talking to you. A lot of the time, he mostly tuned you out anyway, the others laughed, but Joey didn’t know what the others were talking about; Chandler always pays attention to him when they talk. “Yeah…” he says slowly, unsurely, weighing his words. “I mean, I guess.”
Joey’s stomach drops, slightly. There is only one reason why he’d say something that way: He's homophobic. “I think so, too.” He goes into his bedroom and locks the door behind him. He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore.