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Chapter Text

It started with touching, constant touches. Remus thought they were innocent, really.

When Sirius would hand him something, he’d let his fingers linger a little bit longer than one would normally. Sirius would never make eye contact or anything which would indicate it was on purpose. Remus always just brushed it off as something friendly, Sirius was always touching James.

It was harder to brush this one off though because it drove Remus mad, he’d be walking down a hall to his class and he’d spot Sirius walking towards him to his class. They’d say a casual greeting but Sirius would ghost his fingers along his waist or his arm as he walked past. Something friendly, he was pretty certain that he touched James and Peter the same way, although he'd never seen it. Sirius always touched Remus in private, he was just... discrete with his affection.

Remus hates the way being touched by Sirius makes him feel, he shouldn't get goosebumps or a twisting feeling in his stomach when he was touched. Not by Sirius. Maybe if one of the girls did it that would be an acceptable reaction, one might call it butterflies but not with Sirius, that was—no.

Thinking back to the touches made it clear why what happened, happened. It wasn't Sirius being friendly, it was him working up the courage. Testing the waters. Whatever one would call it. It happened on a Thursday evening, the third week of October. A few days after the full moon, Remus was finally starting to feel like himself again. It was such a nice evening too, uncharacteristically quiet which allowed each of the boys to do their respective tasks, for Remus it was the finishing touches on his Runes essay.

It was James who interrupts and sets the whole ordeal in motion.

“Alright boys, I’m off,” James announces. “Anyone care to join?”

“What are you on about?” Sirius asks without looking up, inspecting one of his records.

“Duh!” He lifts his broomstick. “Off to the pitch for some practice, where else?”

“I’ll join!” Peter all too excitedly jumps up off his bed, tripping over a pile of junk.

“Careful Peter, can’t have you breaking one of those legs if you want to get on the team!”

Jessica Frill had fallen off her broom earlier in the month and essentially broke her brain, Pomfrey sent her home for rehabilitation so she lost her spot as keeper and Peter had got it in his head that he was the best choice possible for the team.

As a result, James and Peter were constantly practicing, getting him ready for tryouts later in the month. James, who is forever an optimist thinks Peter is a shoo-in. Remus doesn't care either way. If all three of the boys are on the team he would get more quiet time but then again he’d be three times more obligated to watch the games, maybe he was more against Peter getting on the team than he thought. Sirius had privately told Remus that Peter's chances were laughable but Remus thinks Sirius secretly hates the idea of Peter joining in on their 'quidditch bonding time.'

“I’ll pass,” Sirius lifts his record. “Got better plans than watching Ol’ Wormy fall off his broom”

“Oi! I haven’t fallen off for ages!” Peter throws one of his pillows at Sirius which he dodges and then joins James with his broom.

“Remus? Coming?” James looks at him expectantly and Remus hears Sirius snicker under his breath.

It's nice to be asked he supposes but it was always a no. And Remus hates to disappoint James but this was one thing he wouldn’t budge on.

“Sorry, Jamie got studying to do. I actually should get to the library before it closes.” He gathers up his books and then waves off James and Peter who are leaving the dorm.

“Moony, can you stay for a bit? I wanted to show you a song,” Sirius calls out as Remus makes his way to the door with an armful of books and parchment.

“Er…” Sirius was looking at him with a pouting expression that made him want to roll his eyes and do anything for him at the same time. “Go on then, let’s hear it.” He plops his books back onto his bed. The library can wait.

Sirius gives him a big grin and uses his wand to drop the needle. Remus rolls his eyes, wizards use magic for the dumbest things. Sirius pats his bed as an invitation to sit. Remus gets up and sits down at the edge, leaning his back on one of the bedposts.

"Ever heard of The Hollies?" Sirius asks as the instrumental filled the room. Remus shrugs nonchalantly. He has but Sirius was always so excited to show him new music and Remus hates to watch his shoulders slump when Remus would admit to already having heard the song or the artist. "You'll love this."

Oh, Remus had heard this song before. 

Making love with you,
Has left me peaceful, warm, and tired.

Remus squirms a little, feeling uncomfortable. He remembers listening to it for the first time last summer on the radio. His mum had gotten teary-eyed listening to it, for whatever reason. She had just explained it was "awfully romantic". Which made Remus want to throw up. The song was nice, if not a little repetitive. 

Chapter Text

It had to be said, Remus Lupin was not a lucky man, waking up in a dank alcove instead of his warm soft bed was an example of his ever-failing luck. He has not woken up from his terrible dream. This is real life.

He hears a few people laughing and chatting away behind the tapestry and waits until the coast was clear to hop out and head back towards Gryffindor Tower.

The dorm was empty so maybe Remus was a little bit lucky after all. He quickly changes into a fresh uniform and glances over at Sirius's bed. The map is open on it which makes him groan. Thank God he hadn’t marked the alcove on the map. Privacy was no longer a privilege when it came to being a Marauder. He walks over and taps the map “mischief managed” just in case someone comes into the dorm. Sirius was an idiot for many reasons but leaving the map visible was a great example of that idiocy.

Dreadfully, Remus leaves the dorm and makes his way to the Great Hall, he has no appetite but he has to find Marlene. This needs to be sorted.

He feels a flutter in the pit of his stomach when he enters the hall. He should have expected Sirius at the Gryffindor table, obviously, but somehow Remus didn’t think he’d be there. God, maybe he was the stupid one

“Moony!” James shouts as he enters, Sirius's head instantly snaps towards him. Remus waves to James and looks around for Marlene.

She is sitting with Mary and Lily, Remus walks past his fellow Marauders to sit with the girls. He hears James say something else to him but he's too focused on not looking at Sirius along with not falling on his face that he can't grasp what he had said.      

“Someone pinch me! I must be dreaming” Mary gasps dramatically when he sits down, “did THE Remus John Lupin grace us with his presence?!”

“Ha Ha. You do know I sit with you all the time right? Or are you too busy painting your nails to notice?”

“Cute. You know if you wanted me to paint your nails you could just ask.”

God, does everyone think he's some big poof?

“Anyways,” Remus glares at her and looks over at Marlene. “How’s the food?”

Remus suddenly realises he has no clue how to flirt, let alone ask someone out. How's the food? Really?

“It’s good!” She says cheerfully, probably too cheerfully for seven in the morning but that's Marlene. 

He grabs a plate and piles some food on it, he catches Lily’s eye who's grinning like a madwoman. That lady would make a horrid spy.

“Not that we don’t absolutely love having you sit with us but your comrades are looking a little lost without you.” Marlene nods her head towards them. Remus doesn't bother looking, he can feel their eyes burning the back of his head.

“They’ll manage, plus I like your company.” He smiles sweetly at Marlene who looks a bit confused but smiles back.

He pushes his food around on his plate for a second trying to work up some courage. 

“So um, any of you have plans for the weekend?”

“Not me, I might do some studying.” Lily beams, clearly loving the way the conversation was going. 

“Might? Come off it Lily, we all know you will be. You're in the library so much you might as well transfigure yourself into a book.” Marlene flicks a piece of apple at Lily.

“I’m going out with Buster MacMillan, he’s a seventh-year Hufflepuff. He’s been asking me to go with him for a few months, might as well throw him a bone. He's cute, I guess.”

Buster MacMillan was about as dumb as a doornail, who cares if he's cute. Which he isn't... obviously, because he's a bloke. 

“What about you Marls?” Lily asks, unhelpfully. He wants to tell her to butt out, he can do this himself.

“I guess if you two are off doing whatever then I’ll be heading to Hogsmeade alone.”

“Remus! Didn’t you say you were going to Hogsmeade this weekend?” 

“Uh, yeah.” He scratches the back of his head. Butt out, Lily! It's now or never, Lily is about one second away from asking Marlene out for him, which would be incredibly mortifying. “Would you like to go with me? Maybe grab a butterbeer?”

“Remus John Lupin!” Mary says loudly, he's sure everyone in the Great Hall is now staring at Remus embarrassing himself. “Are you asking our Marlene on a date?!!” Remus has never wanted to hex a person more than right now.

“Shut it, Mary!” Marlene hisses at her.

“I regret telling you my middle name” Remus mutters and looks at Marlene. “Would you like that? Er—I mean, a date?”

Marlene’s eyes flicker towards him then to Lily then somewhere else, Remus tries to follow her eye-line but sees the Slytherin table instead.

“That would be lovely, of course, Remus.” She says after a moment and gives him an award-winning smile then goes back to her meal, glancing back up towards where she was looking before. Couldn’t have been the Slytherin table, Remus must have been mistaken.

“You guys!!” Lily squeals as if she's a child. Both Marlene and Remus ignore her.

Remus pushes his food around his plate for a few more seconds before clearing his throat, right, now that that's sorted. "Well, I can't wait. I'll meet you in the common room tomorrow." He puts his smile back on his face before sitting up. "I would absolutely love to stay and chat with you lovely ladies but alas, no rest for the wicked." 

"You've barely eaten a thing, Remus!" 

Remus waves a hand dismissively. As he walks away he can hear the girls whispering and someone squealing, probably—definitely—Lily. He was more than happy to just walk past the Marauders but James catches his wrist and pulls him into the seat beside him. 

"Did you just ask out Marlene?!" James continues holding his wrist while using his free hand to punch his arm. "I didn't know you liked her! Remus! You never told us!"

Remus tries to free himself from James's grip with no luck, "yeah, she's great, everyone likes her."

"Well yeah, of course, everyone likes her. But not like like, like you do!"

"What are you, twelve?" 

"Oh shut it. Tell me everything." 

"I'm not going to sit and gossip with you lot like a bunch of girls. Let go of me, I have a class to get to!"

"Class doesn't start for an hour, c'mon Moony. Tell us everything."

Everything? You don't have the stomach for everything.

"Nothing to tell really, I think Marlene is great so I'm going for it."

Sirius scoffs from across the table and Remus takes the opportunity to look over at him. He has dark rings under his eyes, his perfectly coiffed hair is uncharacteristically messy and his arms were crossed petulantly. Shit, he was up all night waiting for him to come back and that makes Remus feel awful. 

"Ignore him, he's been in a foul mood since last night. Don't know what his deal is." James says, shooting a dirty look at Sirius.

"Up yours, Potter," Sirius sticks two fingers up in the air. 

He is thankful for the distraction as he finally pulls his wrist free from James's grip. James looks back over at him and runs his fingers through his hair. 

"Where were you last night? Sirius wasn't around either, we thought you two were off doing some mischief but Sirius came back without you."

Oh you know, hiding from Sirius, he kissed me. Totally threw me off, couldn't stop thinking about his stupid, soft lips like some homo, which is what Remus thinks but there was no way he'd say those words out loud. 

"Hospital wing," he says instead, a believable excuse.

"Are you okay? It's ages until the full moon, you can't be feeling off quite yet." James was too smart for his own good, "well, what do I know. Anyways, you're going to love this, so Peter was trying to catch the quaffle..." Maybe not.

Listening to James patter on about quidditch bores the hell out of Remus, even if it involves Peter breaking his own broom in half. Remus finds himself tapping the top of the table and bouncing his leg without realising it.

“You okay Moony?” Peter interrupts James.

“What?”

“You’re like freaking out,” Peter points towards his leg. “What’s wrong?”

The air was getting thick, being around Sirius is too much. His presence is always, for lack of better words, big. Sirius was an unstoppable force who intruded in your life in the best possible way. Right now though, Remus didn’t want to be anywhere near him and at the same time he wanted to be all over him—wait, no—what the fuck—

“Err, nothing. I have to go,” Remus jumps up, it takes a lot of willpower not to run straight out of the doors.

Remus thinks about going back to his alcove, hiding away for the rest of the year feels like a perfectly normal response.

It was strange to think that he used to be afraid of small spaces, nothing scared him more than being pushed into a closet or a cage as a child. His dad used to do that a lot, being bad? Closet. Full moon? Cage. It used to be so frightening for Remus that he would cry at the sight of a closed in space. It changed when his father died. His mum never was okay with Lyall Lupin’s more extreme punishments, and after his death, they stopped. The only exception was full moons, no longer a silver-lined cage but an open basement in which the wolf could happily roam. His mother would invite a wizard over to set enchantments on the basement which would—

“Watch it half-blood” Someone pushes Remus, tearing him out of his thoughts and onto the ground.

Snape, of fucking course.

“Oh fuck off, Snivellus.” Remus spits out as he gets up from the ground.

Snape points his wand at Remus and scowls. “Think you’re brave without your friends? What’s the poor sheep doing out all by himself? Are you lost little lamb?”

“You know, out of all your nicknames, I think calling me little lamb is the gayest. Don’t you think? Got a thing for me, do you, Snivelly?”

“As if I’d be interested in a dirty little half-blood like you.”

"Basically you just admitted you're a queer. Don't care about me being a bloke but do care about my blood. I'm not interested, thanks for the offer."

"Flipendo!" Remus flies backwards and groans as Snape performs a sticking charm. "Shut the fuck up." Snape gives him a sharp kick to his side. 

"Really hit a sore spot, huh?" Remus looks up at him with a wicked smirk, "so? What's the plan then? Stick me to the ground and what? Kiss me? Do fuck off Snivelly, as I said. I'm. Not. Interested." 

Snape kicks him again and looks around the corridor, classes would start soon. If he didn't get on with whatever hex he was obviously planning to do everyone would catch him in the act. Get it over with, Remus thinks irritably to himself. 

"Anyways," Remus continues on, speaking slowly as if he's bored. "Lily told me that you're a, what did you call it? 'Dirty little half-blood.' Pot calling the kettle black, no?"

Snape looks shocked then quickly changes to fury, which makes Remus laugh. Leave it to Snape to have the easiest buttons to push. 

"Thought Lily would keep your filthy little secrets? You dolt on her like a sick puppy, it's pathetic really, considering she thinks you're a slimy, pathetic git." Which wasn't entirely true, but who cares.

"Why you filthy half-breed!” Snape hisses, lifting his wand and pointing it right at Remus’s chest. “Sectum—"

"Expelliarmus!" Someone shouts from behind Snape and his wand goes flying. 

"I thought I could smell something rotten," Sirius, great. "Run along before I hex your bollocks off." 

Snape stomps off, leaving him stuck to the ground. 

"Fucking wanker." Remus mutters under his breath and he squirms to get unstuck, which, with the inevitable bruise forming from the kicks, hurts like hell. "A little help?"

"I don't know.” Sirius smirks down at him, “I think I like you on the ground like this, easier to chat without you running off."

"Not in the mood. Just help me or fuck off." 

"Merlin, the mouth on you. Well actually... if you remember, I quite like your mouth."

Great, Sirius has finished moping and skipped right to arrogance. 

"Don't be disgusting," he looks up at Sirius who was flipping his wand up and down in the air.

"Finite Incantatum," Sirius finally says after catching his wand a few more times.

Remus scrambles up and clears his throat. "Thanks."

"Mhm."

They stand there for a minute looking at each other before people start to file out of the Great Hall.

"Um... gotta get to class."

"You can't avoid me forever!" Sirius calls to him, "you'll have to talk to me sooner or later."

Not if he could help it. 

Chapter Text

In hindsight, avoiding Sirius was easier said than done.

They had classes together,

Lived in the same building, 

Sorted into the same house, 

They shared a room,

It was impossible.

This is why Remus isn't surprised to see himself forced under the invisibility cloak with Sirius, James and Wormtail on his shoulder. 

"This is ridiculous," Remus grumbles, "We can't all fit under here anymore."

"Exactly, hence the rat." James points to Wormtail with an annoyingly cheerful grin. 

"It's not enough, I should walk behind you guys. I'll use a disillusionment charm or something." Remus starts to shuffle in an attempt to get out from under the cloak but James grips his arm.

"How often do we all get to get under the cloak together!"

"We literally do this all the time, this isn't exactly rare."

"Oh don't be a spoilsport, Moony."

It's not that Remus didn't want to be there, he did. It was just... Sirius. He was so close. Remus could feel his breath on his neck, which causes goosebumps to prickle on his skin. 

Remus was pissed when he found out Sirius had told James about his little run-in with Snape, James took to instantly plotting. By the end of the day, James had a full-fledged plan.

"I was pretty awful to him, I probably deserved to be pushed down a peg," Remus told them earlier after James had explained the plan excitedly at dinner.

"He was about to use a spell on you that I have never heard before. He could have killed you for all we know. Being a dick to him is the least he deserves." Sirius countered.

"I didn't say I was a dick."

"Hmm, guess I just assumed."

James had cut in before Remus could retort. 

"Anyways," his tone was exasperated, Remus was sure James had no idea why he and Sirius were fighting, it was probably better that way. "We'll go after curfew, I don't want to hear any moaning about being tired so take a nap before if you have to." 

When Remus heard what the prank involved he realised that it was his fault for telling James that Snape called him a lost little lamb. 

"Everyone knows what they have to do?" James whispers once they're outside the entrance to the Slytherin common room. James had waited outside the entrance earlier to find out the password. Nobody could ever say James wasn't dedicated. 

"It's not exactly the most complicated prank we've ever done mate, I think we're good," Sirius whispers back.

Furniture into sheep, it's not history worthy.

"Let's do Snape's bit first, the sheep might be loud, don't want to wake him up before we get him."

Okay, Remus can admit this part will be brilliant, transfiguring Snape's pyjamas into a Little Bo Peep dress with a sticking charm that would—hopefully—stick until breakfast. Sirius dedicated himself to the transfiguring, declaring he was the best at it... whatever. 

It takes a few tries to find Snape's dorm room and a whole lot of tiptoeing to get close enough to cast the spell but it's beautiful. Severus Snape, asleep in a bonnet and a pink dress. God, what a sight, a horrible, hilarious sight. The three Marauders have to cover their mouths with their hands to try and stifle their laughter. Wormtail is squeaking which causes someone in the dorm to stir.

"Shit," Remus whispers. "Let's get back down to the common room and work on the sheep before Peter wakes everyone up." 

They head back down to the common room and thankfully it's still empty. James pulls the cloak away and Remus instantly steps away from Sirius. Sirius smells like oranges today, usually, he smells like pine and leather. It was off-putting.

"I'm sorry!" Peter says which makes Remus jump, he hadn't noticed Peter transform back. 

"It's fine Pete, let's get this done quick," James whispers and points his wand at a green sofa saying the incantation. Remus almost laughs again when the sofa turns into a green sheep before his eyes.

"Gotta concentrate harder mate," Sirius whispers while patting him on the back. "Example." He flicks his wand effortlessly at another sofa and a fluffy white sheep appears.

Remus rolls his eyes but bites his tongue. He wasn't about to start an argument about his arrogance in the middle of the common room and wake up half of Slytherin, not if he wanted to keep his arms. 

It takes about fifteen minutes before the common room is full of a dozen green and white sheep. 

"This is fucking brilliant, I wish I had a camera." Sirius claps his hands together and grabs the invisibility cloak. "Let's get out of here before the sheep wake up the snakes."

The cloak is thrown over Remus again and he tries his hardest not to run away, hot breath and oranges, a combo Remus had no idea would make his head feel fuzzy. 

They make it halfway to Gryffindor Tower before Sirius bursts out laughing. "Prongs, I fucking love you. That was amazing! Why didn't we bring a camera, how many times are we going to see Snape in a dress?! Once in a lifetime, mate! Fuck, that was wicked!" 

"Lower your voice," Remus hisses at him.

"Sorry Moony," Sirius whispers close to his ear, it was the first time he had called him Moony since the kiss. Remus blames the hot breath for his sudden stomach ache. Sirius is always in a fantastic mood after a successful prank. "You know boys, I reckon that was one of our best pranks." He says as he throws his arms over James and Remus's shoulders. Remus wants to pull away but he also doesn't want to be seen by anyone. 

"That, my dear friend, is high praise and I'm honoured but I also would debate that, remember when we gave Ms. Norris a tentacle head?" James throws his arm over Sirius's shoulders and reaches over to pat Remus's back. "I'm glad we got Snape back for you Moons."

"You just wanted an excuse to mess with Snape." Remus chuckles. "Now zip it." 

"What? Do you hear something?"

"I just don't particularly want to get caught, I have better things to do than getting detention."

"Like kissing Marlene?" James teases making kissing noises. 

Oh shit, Remus forgot about Hogsmeade in the morning. 

"Er yeah, like kissing Marlene."

Remus feels Sirius remove his arm from his shoulders and Remus misses the warmth.

***

It was Remus's idea to ask out Marlene, right?

Or was it Lily's? 

It must have been Remus's, he wouldn't have asked her out if Lily had tried to push it. Right?

How did the weekend come so fast? 

Wasn't it just Thursday yesterday? 

Surely it hadn't been two days since Sirius kissed him. 

Remus's mind races as he waits alone in the common room, Hogsmeade weekend truly snuck upon him.

There's a hole in the cuff of his jumper which is driving him mad, should he change? He keeps poking his thumb through the hole, he should definitely change. Otherwise, the hole will grow especially if he was going to keep playing with it. And he knew he was.

As he is turning to go change he sees a familiar blonde head with a bright smile. "Hiya Remus! Hope you weren't waiting too long, Mary was being difficult as always!" Marlene laughs and shoves her hands in her pockets, "ready to go?"

"Er..." He's once again poking his thumb through the hole in his cuff. "Yeah." Poor jumper. 

They head out of the portrait hole together and start their journey to Hogsmeade. In complete silence, the silence is awkward. There's no other way to put it. It's awkward and Remus wants to hide. 

"I didn't get to go to the last Hogsmeade trip, I'm excited." Remus eventually says, small talk. Great.

"Oh? Why's that?"

Shit. Okay um, lie time. 

"I was sick, Pomfrey wanted to keep me out of the cold." 

Terrible lie, the truth was worse. The full moon had been awful, it took Remus four days to recover. He wasn't sure why, all the Marauders had been there and explained to Remus that they couldn't manage to control the wolf. At one point the wolf had thrown himself off of a cliff, Prongs thought the wolf was trying to jump into a lake but it missed and shattered almost every bone in his body. Prongs and Padfoot had to drag the wolf back into the shack. Embarrassing. 

"Right, I remember you weren't in class for a few days. I'm glad you're feeling better now though. You get sick a lot." 

God, how did people not catch on yet?

"Yeah, I've been told I have a weak immune system, must be because I'm half and half." 

"Right."

A silence fell on them again, generally, people got silent when blood status came up. Unless of course, you were a pureblood maniac then it would get loud and foul. 

They reach Three Broomsticks and Marlene grabs a seat near the back while Remus buys the butterbeer with his pocket money. 

"Did you hear about what happened to Slytherin?" Marlene asks when he returns.

"Um, no?" 

"Really?! Dorcas told me about it, Dorcas Meadowes." Remus can't be sure with the lighting but he thinks he sees Marlene blush. "She said she woke up to a dozen sheep in the common room! She said she laughed like crazy, so many people were pissed but Dorcas always finds humour in these things. She's not like the stereotypical Slytherin, she's great." Remus is sure now, she's definitely blushing. 

"Dorcas Meadowes? How do you know her?" 

“She’s in potions with us. We study together sometimes, she’s brilliant.”

Dorcas Meadowes was brilliant, Remus didn’t know her well but he remembered the first day of potions class when she corrected Snape on his crocodile heart measurement. The look of hatred on Snape’s face was almost equivalent to how Snape looked at the Marauders. Dorcas was okay in Remus’s books.

“Too bad she’s a Slytherin—“

“What’s that supposed to mean? She’s nothing like them!” Remus looks up from his butterbeer to see Marlene looking at him with a scowl.

Marlene hadn’t even let him finish his sentence, girls are scary…

“I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant that it’s too bad she isn’t in Gryffindor because if she was you two could hang out more.”

“Oh.” Marlene’s scowl leaves her face and is replaced with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I bit off your head like that.” She leans over and puts her hand on his forearm. “You’re sweet to say that though, it would be lovely if she was in Gryffindor. But we’re still friends despite our houses. House rivalry is silly, don’t you think?”

Barking up the wrong tree, Marls.

“Sure.”

Marlene smiles and looks like she’s about to move her hand from his arm but Remus notices her eyes glance up towards the bar and leaves her hand on his arm.

Curiosity gets the better of him and he looks over, Dorcas is standing by the bar with a Ravenclaw girl.

“Did you want to go talk to her?” Remus asks Marlene who is still looking at Dorcas.

“Um…” She bites her lip and looks away quickly when Dorcas looks over at the table. “No, I like being with you.” 

“Aw Marls, you’re too sweet.”

Marlene laughs loudly and places her other hand on his shoulder, leaning in closer.

Did he say something funny?

“I’m having such a fun time on our date Remus! I’m so glad you asked me out!” She speaks louder than before, did he accidentally order her beer?

Remus has no idea how to respond. What’s happening? Why is she being so affectionate all of the sudden… and loud. Remus smiles at her and looks up again towards Dorcas who is still looking over, now with a frown on her face. Weird.

Remus’s attention turns to the entrance when he hears the door creak, and a familiar head of long black hair enters. Ah fuck, please don’t see us. Please don’t see us. Please don—fuck, he sees us.

He’s not sure why he does it but he slips his arm over Marlene’s shoulder and leans close to her. He notices that Sirius is now wearing a similar frown to Dorcas.

Marlene looks at him with an eyebrow cocked and looks over in the direction Remus was looking. Her eyes widen for a second then back to Remus, her eyebrows furrowed as if she is thinking hard then they shoot up as if she's figured it out. 

“Wait... shit, Sirius and you?! Oh, poor Mary!" Her voice changes from excessively loud into a hushed tone.

“What! What about Mary?”

“You and Sirius!”

“Me and Sirius what?!”

“The same with me and Dorcas!”

“What?!“

This is a different language, he’s sure. He has no idea what the fuck is going on.

“Godric! This is all making sense, I was so confused when you asked me out. I wracked my brain trying to figure out a conversation where we spoke and it could have been construed as flirting but oh my gods!”

“Marlene, I have no idea what you’re talking about but please lower your voice. Or you know what, let’s change the subject because whatever you’re thinking is wrong.”

“Remus!” Marlene grabs his face with both hands and brings her face close to his. Shit, Remus panics, is she going to kiss me?!? “You can’t hide from me, I know.” She whispers with a mischievous grin, she squishes his cheeks and her eyes flicker away before she drops her hands.

“Hey lovebirds.” Remus turns his head from Marlene, grateful for the distraction because he did not want to be kissed by Marlene today until he realises who is it, Sirius, who had suddenly appeared at their table with his hands in his pockets and a strained look on his face.

“Hiya Sirius, want to join us?” Marlene puts her hand on Remus’s arm again.

“Oh Merlin no, I would hate to intrude on your date. I just wanted to make sure Remus was treating you right.”

“He’s such a gentleman, bought my drink and everything! I had no idea he was such a romantic, did you?"

Sirius opens and closes his mouth a few times as if trying to find the words but failing. "I should um... go find James. Hold him tight Marlene, he likes to run." With that Sirius hurries out of the pub.

Dickhead. 

"What happened? Everyone can tell you two are on the outs with each other but we couldn't figure out why! It's the talk of our dorm. Why did he say that about the running? I have so many questions."

"Okay, I think I'm going to head out. This was lovely Marlene but I've got some reading to catch up on." He starts to stand up but Marlene grabs his sleeve and pulls him back into his seat.

"Good thing Sirius warned me about the running!" Marlene swats his arm, "explain everything!"

"There's nothing to explain." 

"Lupin! You are being unreasonably difficult right now."

Marlene couldn't know what Remus thinks she knows. He thinks she knows about the kiss or at least something in the realm. But what if he's wrong and admits to Sirius kissing him and Marlene thinks they're fighting because Sirius misplaced his favourite book or something like that. She would be horrified by the truth.  

Truthfully, Remus has been dying to tell someone. He thought about telling Lily but he was afraid to lose her if she took it badly. 

The secret has been eating away at him for the past two days and the only person he can talk to about it is Sirius, and Sirius is a tad biased on the subject...

"Remus?"

He didn't want to lose Marlene either, if she knew some of the truth already and wanted to hear it from Remus then maybe she wouldn't care? 

"Reeemus?"

If it went badly then maybe he could use this as a way to test Obliviate, he's been dying to try that out. Oh! Maybe he should Obliviate the kiss from Sirius's memories. Wait no, that's really fucked up. 

"Remus! Get out of your head!" Marlene knocks on his forehead gently which annoys him and brings him out of his thoughts at the same time. 

"Promise not to freak out?"

"I swear on Godric Gryffindor's tomb that I will not freak out no matter what comes out of your swot mouth."

"Rude."

"Let's hear it."

How does he put this... 

"Ever heard of The Hollies?" 

It's a dumb place to start and Marlene knows it, she's sporting a rather unamused look. 

"Siriuskissedme" Remus says quickly and then instantly regrets it. 

"I knew it!" Marlene claps her hands together, "okay well, I didn't know it exactly but I had a feeling!" 

"And you're not freaked out?"

"Why would I be freaked out?"

"Er, because he's a bloke and I'm a bloke," Remus says like it's the most obvious answer in the world.

"So what?" 

"It's wrong." An automatic answer at this point, he's been saying it to himself for days. 

"Oh for Merlin's sake, it's not wrong! There's nothing wrong with loving someone no matter who they are! Gender doesn't matter when it comes to love."

Love? Jeez, who said anything about love. 

Wait...

"Oh my god, you and Dorcas?"

"Yeah, me and Dorcas." Her eyes wander back over to the bar where Dorcas is still sitting with the Ravenclaw, no longer looking at the two of them. "Except I was the idiot who kissed her. She took it about as well as you clearly are, kissed her two weeks ago and she's barely said a word to me since. Besides in class, and that's purely academic." 

"She's not—she doesn't feel the same way then?"

"I don't know, I thought she did but I guess not."

Remus tilts his head and examines Marlene, trying to see if anything is different for him now that he knows she's... different. But no, still same old Marlene. 

"Why did you come on this date with me then?"

"Why did you ask me out?" She counters. 

"You first."

"I thought I'd try and see if jealousy would work on her."

Remus thinks about the frown he saw on Dorcas earlier, there was definitely something there, whether it was hurt or jealousy, probably both. 

"I needed to get Sirius off my back."

Then, Remus remembers that Sirius shared the same frown as Dorcas, hurt or jealous or both. 

"I think we might be assholes." Marlene laughs and Remus agrees. 

"I think you might be onto something though, I saw how Dorcas was looking at you earlier."

Marlene's face lights up and she sits up straighter. 

"This might work then."

"What might work?"

"Remus Lupin, will you be my boyfriend?"

Chapter Text

It is two months into sixth year and Remus has been kissed by a bloke and has found himself looped into a lesbian's plot to make her crush jealous. 

It is officially his gayest year yet. 

Somehow Remus feels cheated out of a girlfriend, he had wanted a girlfriend, right? Wait, why did Remus want a girlfriend? He was suddenly incredibly confused. Was it to make Sirius jealous? No. Of course not. That would mean he was like Marlene, and he wasn't. He was sure it was to prove he wasn't like Sirius. But now he had a girlfriend who didn't actually want to be with him. So was the girlfriend thing redundant? Should he find another way to prove he wasn't like Sirius? Should he find a different girlfriend? Or would it be awful to leave Marlene in the dust?

God, this is confusing. 

"Do you like Sirius?" Marlene asks on their travels back to Hogwarts while holding Remus's hand. Dorcas was behind them somewhere and Remus could see Sirius with James and Peter ahead of them.

"He's my best mate, of course."

She laughs, "obviously. I mean do you fancy him? Is he a good kisser?"

"No!" Remus says louder than he meant to with a hint of panic in his voice, a couple of students turn to look where the noise came from. "No." He says more firmly. "I don't know why he did it, he shouldn't have done it."

"Well?"

"Well, what?" It's exasperating talking to Marlene sometimes like she thinks everyone can read her mind. Sometimes he thinks he can read Sirius's mind, and knows what he's thinking before he says it or even by a look. He wonders if Dorcas can read Marlene's mind. 

"Is he a good kisser?" 

"Yes—" he says without thinking, "—no!" Marlene is looking at him with a knowing smile and squeezes his hand. 

"Your poor brain is working too hard."

Whatever that means. 

***

Remus returns to the dorm with a headache and a massive hole in the sleeve of his sweater, the dorm is empty which is nice, he needs time to decompress. 

What a weird day. 

The boys walk into the dorm about ten minutes later to disrupt Remus's peace. 

“Moons! We didn’t think you’d be back yet!” James bounces over to his bed and jumps on it. “Tell me everything!”
 
“Busy.” He says simply and holds up his book. 

James plucks the book from his hands and passes it to Sirius, something they often did when Remus wouldn't pay attention to them. It was like a game of keep-away with his precious books.

“I want to hear everything! My love life is so boring, although Lily has stopped insulting me recently. That’s a win. She’s brilliant, I can feel real progress. I think I miss it now that she's nicer to me, I liked it sort of. Does that make sense? You know who's really mean to me, Reg—“ 

“James! You were asking Remus about Marlene, snap out of your Lily trance.” Peter says from across the room.  

“Oh right! Marlene, let’s hear it.” 

“Um, we had a nice time. She asked me to be her boyfriend.” 

“She asked you?!” Peter exclaims. 

“Real progressive that Marlene.” Sirius pipes up from his bed, he’s leaning against his bedpost with his arms crossed giving Remus a nasty look. “What? Too afraid to ask her?” 

“Why are you being such a git?" James asks Sirius. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’m perfectly pleasant.” 

“Whatever, so you and Marlene are together now?” 

“Mhm.” 

“James, you owe me a galleon!!” Peter raises his arms in victory. 

“You bet that I was going to date... Marlene?” 

“Well no, I bet that you’d be the first of us to get a girlfriend.” 

“Oi! I dated Mary last year!” Sirius throws his book at Peter which makes Remus want to cry out, his poor book. 

“Doesn’t count, you guys were just shagging. Wasn’t official.” Peter throws the book back to Remus who catches it and puts it safely on his side. James looks at Peter like he's just betrayed him.  

Remus did not want to hear about Mary. Mary and Sirius dating absolutely drove him up the wall, she followed Sirius everywhere and Remus felt like he never got a moment's peace. He had really liked Mary before then too but she irritated the hell out of him when they were together, he is still unsure why she bothered him so much. She’s much better now.

“Don’t be jealous of my relationships, Petey.” 

“I'm not!” 

“You’re woefully inexperienced. Have you ever kissed a girl?” 

In response, Peter flicks his wand and his bed curtains close around him, that’s a no then. 

“Thought so! I’m an excellent kisser. Isn’t that right?” Sirius looks over at him and Remus stares with wide eyes. 

“How would we know?” James answers, “you look like you’re sucking off someone’s face when you kiss! Doesn’t look pleasant that’s for sure.” 

“I’ve had no complaints,” Sirius responds simply. 

Sirius fucking Black is the most irritating man in the entire world.

Remus starts to gather up a couple of books and parchment, he has to get out of this suddenly incredibly cramped room. 

“Going somewhere, Rems?” James asks as Remus stands up.
 
“Yeah, I should be working on my Runes essay.” Which isn't true, he's finished it already.

“We’ll come!” James volunteers himself and Sirius. 

“Nah, thanks but you lot are distracting.” Which earns a snort from Sirius. 

Remus bolts out the door but not before he hears James say to Sirius, “Alright, tell me. What did you do to Moony?”

He gets halfway to the library before he hears shoes clicking rapidly on the stone behind him. Don’t be Sirius. Don’t be Sirius. Don’t be Sirius.

“Oi, Lupin!”

Sirius, great. 

He just keeps his head down while making his way to the library pretending there isn't anyone following him. 

“Merlin, slow down!” 

He does not slow down, in fact, he takes bigger strides. Sirius catches up to him somehow and jumps in front of him, causing Remus to collide with him. 

“Christ Sirius, can’t you take a hint?! Fuck off!” 

He hears a tsk and looks to see a rather stoic-looking man in a portrait shaking his head, “in my day you would have been thrown to the dogs with that language!” 

Sirius chuckles at that. “Bit ironic, isn't it?” He raises a knowing eyebrow.

“Ha ha. Get out of my way.” Remus tries to step around him but Sirius matches his movement. He then grabs Remus by the sleeve and shoves him into an empty classroom. He quickly casts a locking spell and silences the room. “Look what you’ve made me do, had to resort to kidnapping.” 

Remus groans and drops his books on a desk. “Make it quick, I need to finish my essay.” 

“I know for a fact you finished that essay, I copied off of it just last night.” 

Remus pinches the bridge of his nose and exhales. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He says simply.

“It?” 

“You kissing me, I don’t want to talk about that.” 

Sirius smirks and runs his finger along his own lip as if reliving the memory. “Ah yes, that. I'm surprised that you don’t want to talk about it, I seem to remember you kissing me back.” 

“No, I didn’t!” He did, he knows that. And he regrets it. 

“Can I kiss you again?” He asks stepping forward.

“Please don’t,” Remus says quietly and steps back. 

Sirius stops in his place, looking genuinely shocked. 

"You can't just kiss me. It's not okay. I don't want you to, got it?" 

Sirius doesn't say anything yet, he just stands there looking shocked while his eyes rake over Remus's face. 

"I thought you wanted me to." Sirius's voice is quiet, so quiet it pulls at his heart. Sirius sounds wounded and Remus feels the compulsion to pull him into his arms and hold him until he smiles again. "You don't trust me?"

"I never said I didn't trust you."

"If this is about last year, Remus, please say so. I told you when you forgave me that I would never stop being sorry. I’m still sorry.”

It’s been a while since anyone brought up the incident last year, it makes Remus sick to think about it. He forgives Sirius, he does. He knows it was a misdirected act of rebellion towards his family, Snape reminds Sirius of everything wrong with them, and in Sirius’s mind everything that is wrong with himself. He wanted Snape to pay even if that meant risking everything,

If it meant risking Remus. 

Remus hates the wolf that lives under his skin. He hates it so much. He hates himself. He would never stop hating himself but it was Sirius who made him feel like he was more than the wolf. The wolf was never important to Sirius, he wasn’t afraid like so many others, even James and Peter were afraid at first before Sirius convinced them otherwise. This is why the betrayal ripped Remus to shreds. A forever reminder that no matter how many times someone tells him that he is more than the beast, they will always see him as different. As a monster. 

It was torture to forgive him but Remus was nothing without Sirius. He feels guilty to admit it. He loves James and Peter like brothers and he’d go to the ends of the earth for them. But with Sirius, it was more than that, brothers couldn’t express their bond, Remus hasn’t found the right word for it yet but it’s on the tip of his tongue. 

“Well?” A desperate voice rips him from his thoughts.

“It’s not about your sick attempts to fuck with Snape.” His voice is harsh, the memory that he pushed so deep down coming back to the surface causes him to snap. 

“Really? Because it doesn’t sound like it!”

“It’s not because of that!” 

“What is it about then?!!” 

“I’m not a fucking fag!”

“Christ… what the fuck is wrong with you.”

It wasn’t a question so Remus doesn’t answer, admittedly he feels awful for his outburst. He never wants to be that person, someone who hates blindly. He’s been hated blindly since he was five years old. He doesn’t hate Marlene, he thinks she’s brave to be able to accept herself. But Sirius, that’s different somehow, he’s unsure why. 

“You can’t say things like that Remus.” 

“You can’t kiss me!” 

“You know it's pretty fucked up that you’re using Marlene as some kind of pawn, if you don’t want me to kiss you fine. But leave Marlene out of it.”

“You know nothing about my relationship with Marlene.” It would be easy to tell him that he was with Marlene to help her with Dorcas, but that was Marlene’s secret to tell. 

“Maybe not, but what I do know is that the morning after I kissed you she’s suddenly the apple of your eye.”

“I care about her.”

“And that means you get to be with her?”

“Yes.”

“I care about you, so where does that leave us?”

“Sirius—we can’t—I can’t be whatever you want me to be."

Sirius opens his mouth to answer but then closes it, he stares at him for a moment before finally speaking, "that's not fair."

"We can't always get what we want. I'm not suddenly gay because you're lonely and want someone to shag!"

"Remus... it's not—I would never use you like that."

"It doesn't matter, I'm with Marlene now. And if I wasn't, I still wouldn't want you."

Sirius looks at him with a look full of despair that actually takes Remus aback, he has to pick up his books from the desk to stop himself from running over and holding Sirius. 

"I wish I could be what you want me to be Sirius, I do. But I can't, I'm so sorry."

Sirius doesn't say anything as Remus goes to the door, Remus looks back and Sirius flicks his wand to lift the locking spell.

"I'm so sorry," Remus repeats as he walks out the door.

He isn't sure where he's going, he just lets his feet take him anywhere.

He was too harsh, he thinks. 'I still wouldn't want you.' Christ. He's a prick, a selfish prick. He's not being sensitive to Sirius's feelings, he's just realised that. Which makes Remus feel worse. He thinks about going back to apologise, he knows he should.

The truth is, he wants Sirius. Not like that... he wants to be with him at all times, he wants to share everything that makes him happy and he wants to complain about things that piss him off. Remus wants nothing more than to watch Sirius while he explains the idea for a prank, to watch him brighten up when he gets excited, Sirius could outshine the morning sun when his face lights up. 

Or when he talks about quidditch, Remus hates hearing about quidditch but—god—does Sirius make it interesting. How is that even possible?

Remus gets a sudden headache, Christ, he's thinking way too hard right now. 

Why couldn't Sirius be a girl? It would be so much easier. He would be with him in a heartbeat if that was the case. Everything was easy with Sirius, he never felt uncomfortable around him (if he ignores the whole kissing thing) whether they were talking all night or sitting in complete silence. He could be completely, unforgivably himself and Sirius liked him for that. 

Wait... he shouldn't be thinking like this. Don't be ridiculous Remus. Sirius isn't a girl. 

Like his mum always told him, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Remus decides to stop thinking about this, it's for the best. Because he's picturing Sirius as a girl now, he's exactly the same except he has breasts... which is weird as hell and is incredibly disturbing to picture. He rubs his eyes as if trying to get the picture of out his head, he definitely prefers Sirius without breasts—wait—for fucks sake, he wishes he could turn off his brain.

Somehow, he ends up by the lake, he vaguely wonders if people had to jump out of his path on his way here.

He plops himself down against a tree and lets out a long breath. The sun was setting, he should go back to his dorm before curfew. But not yet, he needs this fresh air. 

"Great." A barely recognisable voice says from somewhere behind him. He glances around the tree to see Dorcas Meadowes standing there.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't think anyone would be out here." 

"Well it is a public space, isn't it?"

"I didn't mean it like that, it's just—"

"I actually don't care."

This rubs Remus the wrong way, after everything with Sirius he's actually not in the mood for a person he's never talked to before to speak to him that way. 

"Do you talk to all strangers with that tone? Or are you just a bitch to me personally?"

"Excuse me?!"

Remus gets up from his spot, which irritates him more, it was comfortable. Dorcas has her wand drawn which makes him roll his eyes. 

"You going to use that? Or are you just trying to look daunting?" What is it with Slytherins and always having their wands ready for battle? "So that's a no then," he says when she doesn't respond, just lowers her wand. 

"You're an asshole, I don't understand what Marlene could possibly see in you." 

"Oh, you know Marlene?" He says dryly, "you know, she's got an excellent mouth." Oh, one of these days he's going to have to kiss Marlene, which makes him feel... uneasy? In a way that seems equal to kissing Sirius. Which makes no sense. Because Marlene is a girl, albeit a lesbian but still a girl nonetheless. He should want to kiss girls, even if they have no interest in him. Right?

"Wow," Dorcas replies simply. A woman of few words he thinks, probably because she definitely hates him. He'll have to reconcile that one of these days, he does not want her to hate him. Especially if she's going to date Marlene, once she sorts out whatever is going on in her head. 

"Think I'll head back now, see if I can sneak in a quick snog session with her." Which is met with a rather unimpressed look, considering the arched eyebrow on Dorcas's face. Remus thinks he's rather shite at making someone jealous. Well, no one could say he isn't trying.

"I feel bad for you." Dorcas shakes her head and lets out a chuckle. 

"Oh yeah? Why's that?"

"No reason. Just—Good luck with dating McKinnon, I think you'll need it."

"You know nothing about my relationship with Marlene," he says for the second time today. 

"I know more than you think." Dorcas probably thinks he's some poor bloke that Marlene is using as a beard. Which is true, sort of. 

Remus starts to walk away but guilt tugs at him, Remus isn't like this. Or at least he doesn't think he is, not usually. It's Sirius who's muddled up his head. 

He turns and looks at Dorcas "I'm sorry, for calling you a bitch." She nods at him and he walks away. 

Remus makes it through the portrait hole right before curfew, narrowly avoiding detention. 

When he gets to the dorm he isn't surprised to see all the boys hanging around, what does surprise him is Prongs in the middle of the dorm. Antlers almost grazing the ceiling. 

"Anyone care to explain?"

"Moony! Didn't see you come in," Peter peers over Prongs, looking surprised. 

"What's with the deer?"

"Stag." Sirius corrects him as if he's offended him to the core. 

"It's the same thing."

"It's not it, he's James." 

"Obviously."

Sirius groans with frustration.

"So?" He asks Peter, the sensible one. "The stag?" 

"James got absolutely plastered and decided to show off, he's been like this for almost an hour! We think he's forgotten how to change back." Peter laughs as he explains. Even grumpy Sirius lets out a laugh. 

Remus raises an eyebrow at Prongs and pushes his head away as he hits him lightly with his antlers. 

"Why didn't you use the counter-spell?"

Peter looks embarrassed, "I tried, I couldn't do it. And y'know, it needs two people so Sirius couldn't do it himself."

"Right." Remus grabs his wand, "well, shall we assist our foolish friend?"

Sirius tilts his head at Remus, there's a twitch in his lip which Remus recognises as a hint of a smile. 

"Oh, I don't know. I think I like him like this." Which earns him a headbutt from Prongs. 

"Quick, before he has to use the bathroom!" Peter whines, knowing the two of them would willingly let James stay in this form all night if it meant they could joke around together. 

"You're such a wet blanket, Pettigrew." Sirius lifts his wand at Prongs and comes over to stand beside Remus. He lowers his voice so only Remus can hear him say,

"Together?"

"Together."

Chapter Text

Things were better after James's drunken Animagus mishap. Remus stopped tiptoeing around Sirius and Sirius stopped bringing up the kiss at every possible moment.

It was nice to be normal with him again.

They had even listened to a record together, sure, they weren't alone but it felt like they were. They had reached an understanding. Sirius understands that Remus has Marlene now (of course, he didn’t really but Sirius doesn’t need to know that.)

"We should have a party!" James announces one night while they're all sitting around the common room. 

Marlene is snuggled up between Remus's legs, he can't imagine why though, Dorcas isn't here. 

"I like the sound of that!" Sirius replies with a big grin, "what's the occasion!?" 

"Halloween, of course!"

"I hate to be a buzzkill here..." Lily says from behind her book, near the fire. "But if you have a Halloween party then you can't have a party for Sirius's birthday."

"And why not?" 

"Well, first off that's way too many parties—"

"You can never have too many parties!" Sirius jumps in before Lily can finish. 

She sighs and continues, "and second, his birthday is on a weekday."

Remus, who can't be bothered to care either way is working on braiding Marlene's hair. When he glances over at Sirius he catches his eye, Sirius quickly looks away at James who is continuing about the party. 

"We can make it a combo party, Halloween and Sirius's birthday. If that's okay with you, Pads? We'll still do something for your big day, of course."

"It's one hundred percent okay with me."

"Reckon that Regulus would come?"

Sirius gives James a funny look and shakes his head, "I don't think so mate, why?"

"Er, he's your brother?"

"I guess I can try but in that case, we will need copious amounts of alcohol."

"Deal! And it will be costume mandatory!"

It's settled then. Halloween is coming up fast, two days away. 

"Costumes? Oh! Remus, we'll have to figure out something matchy."

"Matching costumes. A bit cliché, don't you think?" Sirius asks curtly. 

Marlene turns her head to Sirius pulling her braid out of Remus's hand, he didn't have time to tie it so all his hard work gets unravelled. 

"Well obviously, he's my boyfriend. What do you expect?" Sirius rolls his eyes and Marlene smirks, she then turns around and plants a kiss on Remus's cheek.

Again, Dorcas isn't here so Remus can't figure out why Marlene is playing this up. 

"Awwww!!!" Mary squeals and tugs on Sirius's sleeve, "they're adorable!"

"Mhm, just the cutest," Sirius replies sarcastically, Mary arches an eyebrow and glances at Remus but says nothing. 

It took a few times being snuggled up to Marlene with their friends to realise that Sirius turns ugly at the sight of them together. Remus finally puts it together, that he’s jealous. Which seems like an obvious observation considering he had snogged his face off either that month. But Remus was actively trying to forget that happened so yes, it took him much much longer to spot it. Jealousy that Sirius shared with Dorcas, much to Marlene's delight.   

What Remus couldn't put together is why Marlene was always playing it up around Sirius. When he asked her in private she replied simply, "We have to keep up appearances, it wouldn't be believable if we were only lovey-dovey around Dorcas." 

Which makes sense, he supposes. But still. Making Sirius jealous was never the point. 

***

"Quiet now," Slughorn says as he enters the class. "Today we will be brewing, now can anyone identify the items in front of your cauldrons?"

Snape, who is sitting beside Mulciber instantly shoots his hand up. Remus rolls his eyes and peers at the items. 

"Yes, Mr. Snape." Snape lists off the items in front of him, and Remus, who is distracted by the pearl dust in front of him, does not pay attention to Snape's long explanation. 

"Excellent, five points to Slytherin. Now, can anyone tell me what potion these ingredients are used for?"

James jumps out of his seat with his hand raised, "Amortentia, sir!" 

"Thank you, Mr. Potter." He awards Gryffindor points as well. James, who cannot hold his excitement, actually squeals. 

"He's ridiculous," Lily whispers to Remus, unable to hide the affection in her voice. He's noticed that recently, how her tune has changed, Lily used to talk about James with distaste. But now it almost seems like they could be friends, James must be thrilled. 

"Amortentia, also known as a love potion does not create actual love, you see. It is important to note that, that would be impossible. It does, upon ingestion, however, create a powerful infatuation and obsession. It is incredibly dangerous, we will not be testing it, of course."

Slughorn continues, he catches a few things like how it's supposed to look when properly brewed but what does draw his attention is when Slughorn explains the scent. 

"Now the fascinating thing with Amortentia, when brewed correctly, smells different to each person," he pauses as a few students whisper to each other, "according to which attracts them." 

Remus is fully intrigued now, not for him, of course, for Marlene. His eyes snap up to her, she's sitting beside Dorcas who looks utterly flustered. 

He glances at Sirius who is looking down into his cauldron with furrowed eyebrow, Remus has a sudden urge to go over to his table and smooth it down.

Lily clears her throat and he snaps his attention back to her, "ready?" He can only assume she means ready to start the potion.

"Mhm, let's get on with it." 

"I hope I smell home, oh I miss the smell of home," Lily says longingly as she starts to add Ashwinder eggs.

Remus has no clue what he wants to smell, it's sort of creepy to think a potion can know his attractions. Although Lily might be onto something, the smell of home would be nice. He misses home sometimes but if he had to pick home or Hogwarts then he'd pick Hogwarts in a heartbeat. He doesn't feel bad admitting that. Home, now that he thinks about it, isn't the house that he spends a few months a year at. Home is his dorm room. Home is the sound of laughter after a successful prank or the smell of a fire burning in the dark.  

Well, that was incredibly cheesy, Remus thinks to himself. He blames the general topic of love on his cheesiness. 

"Remus, can you pass the pearl dust?" Remus grabs the dish and slides it over, "worrying about what you'll smell?"

"Why would I be worried?" He is so worried. Lily knows him too well. 

"Here's what I think," she says as she's staring down at the potion while stirring, "you think you're not going to smell what you want to smell and you think it's going to change everything. Do you think you're not going to smell Marls? You don't have to worry about that Remus! Everyone can tell you're head over heels for each other." 

Remus plucks the stirring rod from her, he should do some of the work, she's done basically all of it while he's been thinking of cheesy rubbish about home. 

"I'm not worried." He lies easily.

The thing Remus can't quite put a finger on is, why is he worried? What does it matter? What's so worrisome about smelling what attracts him? Besides the obvious breach of privacy, like the potion is reaching and grasping onto his heart. 

He finds his eyes drifting back to Marlene, she looks so happy sitting beside Dorcas. Even if Dorcas is currently strictly business. There is no doubt that Marlene will get a whiff of her in that potion. 

Lily adds the last ingredient, rose thorns and Remus begins to stir again, still staring at Marlene. 

Marlene seems to feel his stare because she looks up and meets his eyes, she wags her eyebrows at him which makes him chuckle and shake his head. 

He loves Marlene, but he's not in love with her, he never will be. Even before he knew she only had eyes for Dorcas, maybe he's never been one for love? Like, true love. The more he thinks about it the more he thinks love is made for fairy tales, does it even exist or is it just another lie we tell ourselves to make it until tomorrow? Maybe that's what scares him, he'll lean in and smell nothing. Maybe he's not worthy to love, nobody could love him, not if they really knew him.

Marlene glances over towards James and Sirius, she looks back at him and raises an eyebrow. Remus shrugs at her, he has no idea what she's trying to express to him.

Remus feels a tug at his sleeve and looks over at Lily who is giving him a wide smile while darting her eyes to Marlene and back, "you guys are adorable! You haven't thanked me yet for getting you two together."

"Er... thank you?"

"You're welcome!!" 

"Alright, students. Focus here!" Remus turns his attention to Slughorn, grateful for the distraction, he hates lying to Lily. "If done correctly, your potion should have turned a mother-of-pearl shine. As most of you have noticed, I'm sure, the distinctive spirals arising from the steam. Well done. Now please feel free to get a good smell before handing it in."

Remus has decided that he's not going to smell it, curiosity scratches at him like claws but he won't give it, it's not worth it. Today doesn't feel like the best day to find out he is unlovable, is there a good day to find something like that out? He takes a step back from the table, watching Lily lean and breathe in the potion. Her eyes widen before pulling back, her face is bright red and he hears her swallow. 

"What did you smell?"

"Nothing." 

"Lily, that was the most unconvincing lie I have ever heard, your face is redder than your hair." 

"Oh, shut it!" 

Remus raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms, she knows he won't drop it. It's her fault for smelling it. 

"Ugh, fine. Cinnamon, the quidditch pitch, and the morning dew." 

Oh god, James is going to die.

"The quidditch pitch, eh?"

Lily somehow turns redder and hits his arm and Remus laughs out loudly. 

"Shut up!"

"Sorry, sorry!" He laughs and wipes under his eyes. "Oh Lils, you're falling so hard."

"You have no idea what you're talking about! If you think it's so funny, you take a sniff. I want to hear yours."

"No way, I already know what attracts me."

"Do it or I swear I will steal some and put it in your drink." Which is not an empty threat, she's just stubborn enough to do it.

Remus stares at the shimmering potion for a minute, is he going to do this? Yes, but only because of the threat of being spiked by a love potion, he imagines Lily would pick the worst possible person too, probably James just to get back at him, ugh. Oh, great idea for a prank though, definitely keeping that one in mind. Remus feels Lily give him a shove, he takes a deep breath in. Suddenly his nostrils are full of aromas which make him feel lightheaded and briefly intoxicated. He straightens up and steps back from the cauldron. Fuck.   

"Well?!" Lily asks impatiently.

His first thought is, thank god there was an actual scent. It's not terrible to know that he isn't unlovable or incapable of loving someone. 

The first smell was autumn, freshly fallen leaves and crispy air. 

The second smell was a bit more obvious, old books. Like being in the library, god Lily is going to make fun of him for that. 

And the last two throw Remus for a loop, oranges and leather. Oranges were Remus's favourite fruit, so he guesses that's why. Leather though, leather was... he looks over at Sirius who was still leaning over his cauldron looking completely infatuated. James and Sirius were displaying the same facial expressions, they both looked glassy-eyed as if they wanted to bathe in the potion. Remus chuckles to himself.

"Remus?"

"What?"

"What do you smell??" 

Leather. Why leather? He does love the smell of leather, whenever Sirius wears his leather jacket Remus always has the urge to stick his face into it and just inhale. But, he's not attracted to the smell of leather, that would be rather unfortunate. Once Peter brought his leather jacket to school after the holidays and Remus did not want to stuff his face into that jacket. So maybe it was just Sirius's jacket which is... no, that couldn't be it. Marlene wears leather jackets, could he be falling for her? Immediately that thought makes him want to laugh out loud... sorry Marls.

"Remus! You're keeping me in suspense here!" 

Remus panics “Marlene!” He shouts from across the room. Marlene and Dorcas look up from their caldron “It’s you!” He gives the best smile he can fake. “I smell you.” She gives him a smile in return and she glances over at Sirius, Remus follows her eyes to him, he lost his glassy-eyed infatuation and now has that kicked puppy look that he wears so well.

“I smell you too! Books and... peppermint.” Marlene pipes up, a decent guess. Books make sense but peppermint is not a scent he'd associate with himself. Dorcas looks angry and from the corner of his eye, he can see Sirius tilt his head as if confused. 

"What does Marlene smell like?" Lily asks curiously. 

What does Marlene smell like?! Lily shares a dorm with her, she must know. Remus, on the other hand, has zero clue... and considering the amount of time he spends cuddled up to her, he should. 

"Er, broomsticks and daisies." Remus decides those are the best options, she's on the quidditch team and she likes to put a daisy in her hair when they lounge outside. Lily looks satisfied with that answer.

Remus's head hurt, for the first time since it was announced, he finds himself looking forward to the party on Saturday. 

He needs a drink. 

***

"Are you serious?"

"Absolutely, now change right now."

"Marle—"

"Change!"

Marlene's costume idea was to dress up as the other person, she's wearing one of his jumpers while he's being forced to wear quidditch robes. It's awful. They're uncomfortable as hell, how do they wear these and fly. It's too small, Remus is about to use it as an excuse to not wear it but Marlene flicks her wand to make adjustments. 

"I could have just worn James's or Sirius's uniform."

"But it wouldn't be authentic!" 

Remus groans and throws himself on his bed.

"You should be thankful, I thought about forcing you to wear a pair of my bell bottoms with a flowery top, oh Remus, should we do that instead?!"

"Marlene! No!"

"Your arse would look fantastic in those, such a bummer."

Remus plays with the hem of the quidditch uniform while watching Marlene adjust her jumper.  

"I understand now why you wear these jumpers, they're so comfy!" 

"Why can't I wear your quidditch jumper instead?"

"No one touches that, it's my prized possession. Plus, it's too similar to what you wear, people won't think you're dressed up."

"We should draw some scars on your face, so people know you are."

Marlene looks at him through the mirror with a concerned look and a crinkle between her eyebrows, pity, he's used to that look by now. "We don't have to do that Remus."

"Go on, get your makeup. I'll draw them on you." 

"Re—"

"No point in pretending I don't have them, it doesn't bother me."

"If you're sure," Remus hums in response and Marlene opens the dorm door "Accio makeup kit." Marlene catches the kit and goes over to the bed. She digs through the bag and takes out a brown pencil. 

For a long time, Remus was nothing but his scars. They defined who he was every waking moment. They told a million vicious, ugly stories and Remus was ashamed. 

That was until Sirius crawled into his bed one night when he heard Remus crying during second year, he hadn't quite managed to master silencing charms yet. Sirius listened without judgement as Remus told him how he hated them, how the sight of himself made him feel ill. Sirius laid his hand on his cheek, ran a thumb over his scar and told him "There are scars everywhere, even the moon has scars but it doesn't hide them away, it flaunts them unapologetically to the world and still shines brighter than all us."

That was, of course, before Sirius knew the irony behind the statement. Despite it, the words stuck with Remus. He wasn't immune to his insecurity but they stopped defining him. Marlene's face was unblemished, beautiful and bright, a fake line of makeup didn't change that. Remus chuckles at the sight of them, they didn't look half bad on her. 

Marlene was giving him a soft smile, he knows what's on her mind, it's the question that's on everyone's mind. 'How did you get your scars?' He stopped answering that question once he realised that he didn't owe anyone an answer. Sometimes when someone asks he'd tell them he had a mean family dog which made the Marauders laugh, other times when Remus felt less inclined to answer, the boys would tell tales of dragon wrangling or centaur battles. He really hit the jackpot with his friends. 

"No way! This is brilliant!" James's voice booms into the room, he throws himself on Marlene and gives her a huge hug, "oh Moony, you look more handsome than ever!" 

"Oi, get off!" Marlene laughs and pushes him off, "and what are you supposed to be?"

"Duh, I'm Dumbledore," James was wearing midnight robes and a fake beard with half-moon spectacles. "Five points from Gryffindor for not paying proper appreciation to my wonderful costume!" 

"Oh zip it, old man. Please tell me that Sirius isn't McGonagall."

"I think he's still debating, it was either Slughorn or Bowie."

"Bowie?!" Remus perks up, "seriously? He's debating that?! Obviously, he should be Bowie!"

"For Sirius's sake, I hope he picks Bowie, I'm afraid of what you'll do if he doesn't." James laughs while Marlene studies him curiously.

Mary walks in with a smirk, "oh wow Remus John, you look better in those robes than half the team, obviously not counting me, sorry but no one can outdo me." She winks and shoves a drink into his hand with a whisper, "you look like you need this."

Later that evening Remus finds out that, much to his disappointment, Sirius did not pick Bowie.

Sirius bursts in late, fashionably late as he describes it, in tweed robes with that stupid cap Slughorn wears. He’s with some girl Remus hardly recognises, she’s a Hufflepuff, he thinks. Tall, brunette with a bob, she’s absolutely stunning and Sirius's arm is wrapped around her waist. 

“Who’s the girl?” He asks Marlene while sipping on his firewhiskey. 

“No idea, she’s gorgeous.” 

Remus scoffs and shakes his head, “that’s a betrayal to Dorcas.” 

“Hey, I'm in love not blind.” 

“Ugh,” Remus finishes his drink and goes to the table and pours himself another one 

“Hey Moony,” Remus turns and sees Peter, who is dressed like a lion which is a sight.  

“Hey Wormy, nice digs.” 

“Sirius told me we were all going to dress like the different houses. He said he was going to be a badger, James was going to be an eagle and you were going to be a snake.” Peter grumbles and pulls at his costume self-consciously. 

“Sounds like him,” Remus chuckles and glances over at him, he’s tucked in a corner sipping on his drink with the Hufflepuff (maybe?) girl. 

“Well, I think it’s rude that they didn’t tell us they were both going as professors. We all could have matched.” 

“Mm, I guess so. There’s always next year. Anyways, I’m matching with Marls so no harm done for me." 

“Oh! That’s why you’re in a quidditch uniform, it suits you. You should try out for the team!” 

“Just so I can look good? I’m not Sirius.”

Peter laughs at that, hard. He chokes on his drink and Remus pats his back. “I’m going to go tell James that one, ah too good.” Peter scurries over to James who looks like he's trying to chat Lily up. 

Remus, suddenly feeling out of place thinks it’s best to go back to Marlene. When he arrives at her side he notices that she’s hammered. “Christ, how many did you have while I was gone?” 

"Sooo many, Mary gave me a bunch of shots of some muggle drink, she called it teakilla. it was disgusting but oh my god, it’s good.” 

“Tequila.” Remus corrects her, “I want some! Is it all gone?” 

“Gods no, she had so much. Remus, Remus, Remus,” she says as she pulls on his sleeve.

“What??” 

“Dorcas is here,” she whispers and points to a group of Slytherin girls who look mildly alarmed at the horde of drunk teenagers.

“Who invited the Slytherins?” He looks around for Regulus who doesn't appear to be there. 

“Me! Well, I invited Dorcas, I didn’t think even for a second that she would come. Why is she here?!? What does this meeeaan, Remus!?” 

“Okay first, calm down. Second, she came for you. You should be hanging with her.” Marlene’s eyes are wide as if he’s said something she hasn’t considered 

“But what about you? What about Sirius? He’s with that girl?” 

“Who cares?” 

“Oh my poor boyfriend, you care.” 

“No, I don’t. Shut it.” 

“Let’s have a snog.” 

“What?!” Remus takes a step back from her and glares at her while she laughs.

“C’mon, just a quick one. To make Dorcas jealous.” 

“Er—what—I don’t know.” Marlene grabs his robes and pulls him close to her. 

“I’m your girlfriend Remus, girlfriends kiss their boyfriends. People will think it’s weird if we don’t kiss.” 

She was right, Lily had already asked why she hasn’t seen them kiss yet. He just told her that she was a pervert for wanting to watch and she backed off.

“Right then, err, should we just do it?” 

Marlene rolls her eyes and wraps her arms around his neck, she pulls him close and Remus can smell the alcohol on her breath, maybe they shouldn’t do this, she’s drunk and it feels like a mistake.

Before he has time to tell her no, Marlene pushes her lips against his and he kisses back for appearance's sake.   

Kissing Marlene was… how could Remus put this... terrible. It’s not that Marlene was a bad kisser. It was pleasant enough, there was just something about it that was unnatural. 

He found himself comparing her to Sirius. Her kiss was gentle and kind but Sirius's was greedy, passionate and numbing. If someone put a wand to his head and forced him to pick which kiss was better, he’d have to pick Sirius. Which was hard to admit, maybe Remus should ask Marlene to take some tips from Sirius, if they were going to continue kissing. Er, maybe not.  

He wonders if Marlene is thinking about Dorcas the way he’s thinking about Sirius. Is she comparing? Does she wish that he was Dorcas? Well, obviously she wishes he was Dorcas.

When they finally pull away from each other he can hear people cheering. 

Marlene gives him a cheeky grin. "Well, I see why Sirius wanted to kiss you, you have fantastic lips.” She pecks his lips once again and walks over to Dorcas and co. 

If looks could kill, Remus would be dead and Dorcas would be in Azkaban for murder. 

Ah, he really needs that tequila. 

Mary willingly supplies and Remus indulges in numerous tequila shots, each burning pleasantly down his throat.

He stumbles into James at some point who is sulking while looking into the fire, poor James, probably rejected again by Lily. 

"What's wrong with you, Prongs?"

"Merlin Moony, are you okay?"

"I'm perfect."

"No more alcohol for you or I'll put you in a full-body bind. Got it?"

"You'll have to catch me," Remus has to put his hand on the fireplace to stop himself from falling. 

"Remus, I'm serious—"

"No, he's Sirius," Remus nods over to Sirius, who is still with the brunette. 

James groans and takes off his glasses, he pinches the bridge of his nose and inhales deeply. "Moons, you look awful."

"Christ James, I thought you were the nice one."

"I love you but don't drink anymore! You will regret it in the morning."

"I can't believe you said I look awful," Remus grumbles.

"I just meant that—"

Remus stumbles off before James finishes insulting him, the knob. While James isn't paying attention Remus picks up another drink. He'll have to get James back for that, but how? Put him in a body bind? Probably not a great idea at this moment, he can barely think straight let alone use his wand. Remus thinks it's unfair for James to tell him he looks awful, James rarely looks awful, and he ought to know what it feels like. OH!

“Sirius!” Remus suddenly gets an idea and just shouts out his name. Sirius looks up from his evidently rousing conversation with the brunette. Remus downs his drink and makes his way over. “Siriussss,” Remus slurs, he places his hand on the wall and leans into it.

“Uh, yes Remus?“ Sirius asks with an eyebrow raised. 

“Who’s the bird?” He nods his head over to the girl. 

“The bird has a name.” the bird responds snappily. 

“Well? Are you going to tell me or just keep me in suspense?” 

“Ruby.” 

"Okay brilliant, now run along Ruby. I’ve got to talk to my mate and you’re taking up too much of his time.” 

She gasps as if he’s said something truly offensive, “you can’t speak to me like that!” 

“I just did so, can’t isn’t the right word. Maybe shouldn’t?” 

“Remus,” Sirius hisses, “play nice.” He shakes his head and looks over at Ruby, “sorry love, just give me one moment. He’s usually nicer than this, I’m sure you’ll get a formal letter of apology when he sobers up.” She scoffs and walks off.

“She seems incredibly dimwitted and far too easily offended,” Remus comments and leans in closer. “You can do better you know, sure she’s pretty but not really your type.” 

“What do you want, Remus?” 

“I haven't told you how good you look tonight even if you are wearing the silly cap.” 

“Mate—“

“Oh please, call me Moony. I don’t like the thought of being your mate—not that I don’t love being your friend, I do. Really. But god, I want you to call me Moony. All the time, it’s not the same when the others say it. It just rolls off your tongue so well.” 

Sirius looks at him with wide eyes and bites his lip but doesn’t respond.

“You have a phenomenal tongue,” Remus continues, Sirius probably should speak up because Remus is sure he's making an arse of himself but he can't seem to stop the words from falling out of his mouth. “In general everything in that vicinity is fantastic,” he waves his hand in the air around Sirius's face but stares at his lips. “Well really, everything about you is phenomenal. I’m sure you know that.” 

“Rem—Moony, what did you want?” 

“You,” always you, he thinks. Even when he doesn’t want him, he wants him. He’s kind of just realising that. It's probably the booze.

Remus’s eyes leave his lips when he hears a sharp inhale, “you came over to tell me that?” 

“Oh, no. I came over to tell you that James is a prat and I reaaaally want to charm his hair blonde. And I want you to do it because I’m hammered,” he pokes his lip out in a pout and gives him puppy dog eyes. “Pleeeaseeee, I know James is your favourite but if I do it I might just accidentally rearrange his face, pleeeea—“

“Shut it!” Sirius clamps his hand over Remus's mouth, “fine, Christ. how many drinks have you had?” Sirius doesn’t move his hand so Remus can’t answer. Remus licks his hand and Sirius quickly pulls it back “Ew! Moony, what the hell?!” 

Which receives a massive bark of laughter from Remus. "Will you do it?"

"Fine, but only because you're annoying me." 

"And because you want me to go away so you can talk to that tall Hufflepuff again?" Sirius rolls his eyes and grabs his wand. "Are you seeing her?" Remus leans his back to the wall while looking at Sirius, suddenly feeling like he's going to fall on his face.

"No, why? Does it matter to you?"

"Yes."

"Well, it shouldn't."

"Well, it does." Remus retorts. 

"Just shut it, okay? Let's do this and you can go back to snogging Marlene." Sirius snaps at him and Remus does shut it. 

Sirius points his wand at James and mutters the incantation. Remus watches excitedly as his hair changes from black to blonde, and James doesn't seem to notice.

Remus laughs and claps his hands together. "You're a legend. Thank you, Padfoot!"

"Yeah yeah, next time don't get so plastered and you'll be able to do the spell without making me an accomplice."

Remus pushes off from the wall and stands beside Sirius, smiling with pride as James walks around like an unsuspecting prat with blonde hair. He knocks his shoulder against Sirius's.

"Sirius?"

"Hm?"

"You're brilliant." 

Chapter Text

Hangovers are the body's way of punishing you for having a good time and Remus had a great time last night. 

Or, at least of what he can remember he did. He doesn't remember most of the night after kissing Marlene, he remembers drinking... a lot. Apparently, he did something to James's hair, he doesn't remember that but he does get blamed for it. 

"Remus!" James screeches way too early in the morning. Remus groans out in response and covers his eyes from the morning sun when James rips his curtains open. "What the hell!?" 

"What?!" Remus uncovers his eyes and looks up at James, red-faced and blonde-haired. He's unable to stop the burst of laughter that erupts from his throat. "My God, you look like an idiot!" 

In response, James rips his pillow from under his head and hits him hard in the face. "Fix this!" 

"It wasn't me!" Probably.

"It was, you were drunk and mad at me, it's got your name all over it!!" He points to his head which makes Remus laugh again.

"Why was I mad at you?"

"Because you were pissed!!" James groans and runs his hands through his hair. "I can't be seen with blonde hair!"

Sirius strolls over to James and grins, "looking good, Potter." Sirius looks down at Remus with a knowing smirk, so Sirius was in on it too. "You've already been seen, people were talking behind your back about it all night. The whole castle probably knows by now." 

"Wait, the whole castle?! Even people who weren't there?!" James' look of defeat is met with Sirius laughing his head off, James hits Remus again with his pillow, "you arse!"

"Christ James, be gentle with him, he's damaged goods." He takes the pillow from James and gives it back to Remus. "He's probably working through a dreadful headache considering how wasted he was." 

"I'm innocent..." Remus rubs his temple and puts his pillow back behind his head, "now, please let me sleep. I'm sure you can manage a simple reversal spell."

To his surprise, the two boys back off and let him sleep. 

When he wakes up again his head still aches and he’s missed breakfast. October 31st is officially the worst day of the year.

At least it was a Sunday. When Remus finally drags himself out of bed it's lunchtime. 

He gets dressed and makes his way to the Great Hall. The Marauders are all sitting around the table together, James's hair is disappointingly no longer blonde.

"Afternoon boys."

"Afternoon Lupin," James says as he passes a plate of greasy preloaded food. Remus almost gags at the plate and pushes it away. 

"Prick."

"A little revenge for the hairdresser act," James says with a proud smile. 

"I didn't eat it though, so it's not really revenge it is?"

James scrunches up his eyebrows and leans over to pinch Remus's side. "Watch your back Moons, I'll get my revenge. Mark my words!"

"I'm trembling mate," Remus says sarcastically while batting his fingers away.

"Despite Jamie's disdain for you, we did try to get you a hangover potion but Lily forbade them. She'll hex anyone who does, says you lot deserve." Sirius laughs and passes him a plate of eggs. "Sorry, ma—Moony."

Remus grunts and scoffs down his eggs, which is a godsend. 

"What's the plan for today then?" Peter asks while he watches Remus fill his plate with an impressive amount of fried eggs. 

The boy's exchange looks and each of them shrugs, "Er, if we have no plans maybe we can screw with Snape?" Sirius offers up.

"Nah, we already did that sheep thing and we didn't even get to see him awake in the costume. Plus I think he's planning some revenge, look at him." James nods over to Snape, sitting at the Slytherin table glaring at them. Sirius gives him a charming wave and Snape scowls. 

"Can't we just have a quiet, relaxing day? Don't we deserve that after last night?" Remus complains and puts his head on the table, they all laugh at him and he groans into his arm. "You guys suck."

"You love us, Moony!" Peter laughs while leaning over and ruffling his hair.

James pats his arm and Sirius rubs his back. Remus instantly stiffens at the touch and Sirius, who no doubt feels it, drops his hand.

"I think I'm going to hang out with Marlene," Remus announces and starts to get up, James pulls him back down.

"We saw you kiss her last night! How was that?!"

"I don't know James, it was a snog."

"Ugh, none of you guys have any sense of the romantic! You don't describe a kiss as 'a snog'. You should describe it like a lover's embrace or a drink of sunshine, not 'a snog!'" 

Remus shakes his head and pats James on the back. "Get a hobby mate or a girlfriend."

James scrunches up his face and looks at Lily, "Yeah...." James mumbles.

"Can our plan for the day be not to talk about Lily? Let's talk about something else." Peter knocks on the table, "Sirius, how's your brother?"

"Regulus??" James and Sirius say at the same time, then give each other a weird look.

"Is there another brother I didn't know about?"

"I don't know, I haven't talked to him recently." Sirius looks up at the Slytherin table where Regulus is currently sitting with a blonde Ravenclaw girl, Crouch, Rosier and Dorcas, they're laughing about something, Sirius quickly looks away back but James keeps staring. 

"What about you, Prongs?" Peter asks, Remus has no idea why he's asking, nobody really talks about Regulus anymore. He's sort of became a taboo topic these days. Sirius is obviously constantly worried about him but pretends he isn't, James used to ask about him a lot until Sirius snapped and declared him a prohibited topic. James doesn't answer Peter, he just keeps staring. Remus looks over at Regulus again right in time to see Regulus look over at James, his eyes widen and he looks back at the Ravenclaw. "James?" 

"Hm?" James doesn't look away, Remus raises an eyebrow at him. What the hell? Why is James looking at Regulus like how he looks at Lily?

"Did you hear me?" James's attention turns back to Peter. "I said have you talked to Regulus recently?"

"What? No! Why?! Of course not!"

Real convincing Potter, he thinks but doesn't say out loud. Remus makes a mental note to investigate his weird behaviour later. 

"Right, Marlene needs me." Remus jumps up, glad for James's distraction. Sirius grabs his arm to stop him. "Yes?" 

"Oh um," he says as if he didn't realise he grabbed his arm, "never mind. Tell Marls I said hi." 

Remus nods and walks over to Marlene who is surprisingly all by herself. "How are you this lovely Sunday?" He sits down and puts his arms on the table, he leans down and rests his head on top of them. "Where's the rest of the girl band?"

Marlene finishes sipping her coffee and gives him a smile, "afternoon my love, I'm fantastic. Mary is sleeping it off and Lily stayed back to make sure she's okay."

"How are you fantastic? I feel like I've been run over by a train."

Marlene laughs loudly which makes Remus groan, she slots her fingers into his hair and rubs the back of his head gently, she leans in and whispers. "I stole one of Lily's hangover potions." 

"Traitor! Why didn't you get one for me?!" 

"Figured she'd be less likely to hex me." 

Remus grumbles and leans into her fingers massaging him. "How was Dorcas last night?"

"Angry, drunk, and so beautiful." Remus chuckles in response. "She told me she wanted to talk about us when she's sober, I really hope she remembers. I think she wants to get together."

Remus frowns and turns his face towards Sirius who is watching Remus get a massage while gripping his fork tightly, even from here he can see his knuckles are white. "So what," Remus turns his head back to Marlene, "you're dumping me?" 

Marlene studies his face for a moment, it looks like she's trying to decide if he's serious. "Yes? I mean, not at this exact moment but if Dorcas wants me then dating you has served its purpose."

"What about me?" 

"What about you? If you want a real girlfriend I know for a fact that there are at least ten girls in Gryffindor alone that would date you in a heartbeat. But I didn't think you wanted a real girlfriend—"

"Stop saying real girlfriend, you're making me sound like you. I'm not like—" Remus leans in and whispers, "—I'm not some homo." 

Marlene drops her hand from his head and scowls at him. "For fuck’s sake Remus! I'm sick of hearing you say shit like that!" She says loudly, people turn to look at the disturbance.  

"Christ! Lower your voice!" Remus hisses at her, he lifts his head from his arms.

"No! You're being awful!" Marlene slams her hand on the table and pushes her plate away. "Don't follow me." 

"Marlene!" Remus says as she gets up and stomps out of the Great Hall. He looks over at Dorcas who is glaring at him but she doesn't get up to follow Marlene either. He groans and covers his face with his hands, scrubbing them up and down before dropping them and getting up. As he passes the Marauder's he ignores the looks of confusion and worry.

When Remus finally finds Marlene she's tucked in a corner of the Clock Tower Courtyard, her face is red like she's been crying.

"Merlin Remus! I said don't follow me."

"Obviously I was going to follow you, what did I do wrong?"

Marlene rubs under her eyes and looks down at her hands. “It’s hard to explain.” 

"Try me."

She lets out a long shaky breath and looks up at him. "I shared my secret with you because I thought you were okay with it. Merlin, I even thought you were it. I felt so safe with you but... you're so—you're so hateful."

"I don't hate you!"

"Maybe you think you don't but you hate what I am, and therefore you hate me."

“I—why would you think—“

"Remus! If you hate queer people then you hate me!"

"I don't hate queer people!"

"Gods! You're so blind, Remus. Fuck!"

Remus doesn't say anything, he's confused and the tears streaming down Marlene's face make him feel guilty. He doesn't hate queer people, he doesn't. 

"Sirius is in love with you, it's so obvious," Marlene says quietly. "You're hurting him you know."

"Marlene, don't be ridiculous—"

"Shut up! Oh my god, I know how he feels! It kills me not to be with Dorcas, I want her so bad all the time. I want to hold her, laugh with her, cry with her, I just want her.“ Marlene drops her face into her hands and whimpers, “we shouldn’t have done this, fuck, this is so selfish. Thinking we could make them jealous enough to want us.”

“Wait, that’s not why I did it!” 

"Sure, Remus. Keep telling yourself that. You're either lying to yourself so deeply that you believe that or you're so fucking hateful that you refuse to see how much he loves you, how much you care about him! I thought I saw something in you, like a cry for help and I wanted to help you realise who you were, but—but I'm not your queer spirit guide! It's not my job to help you figure yourself out." Marlene takes a deep breath, "I want to believe you're lying to yourself, burying it so deep that it's hard to come to terms with it, how awful is that? I want to believe it because it'll destroy me if you just... if you just hate. Remus, I love you but you need to sort yourself out, okay?"  

"Marlene..."

“No! I don’t even want to look at you right now.” Marlene gets up and storms off, this time Remus doesn’t follow. He leans his back against the cold stone wall and looks up at the bright sky, trying to digest the information she just yelled at him.

Did he hate queer people? No. That's the simplest answer. That should it be it. That is it. Marlene is one of his best friends, that fact didn't even waver for a second when she told him she's a lesbian. If anything he loves her more, knowing that she could be herself with him, she stopped hiding and he noticed a burden being lifted, he's proud of her. 

Sirius... Sirius was a more difficult pill to swallow. The thing with Sirius is, Remus doesn't even know if he's queer. Besides kissing him, he's never said anything about his... preferences, so he's just assuming. He doesn't hate Sirius, not even a tiny bit. He thinks Sirius is brave, like Marlene but even braver. He put everything on the line with that kiss, to tell Remus how he felt. He even had kissed him back, he thought it was an instinct to kiss back but after Marlene kissed him, he had to force himself to kiss her back, he realised it wasn't an instinct... he wanted to kiss Sirius back and that horrifies him.

The awful part is that Remus wants to be able to reciprocate because it's Sirius, Sirius is everything to him, everything. But, he can't throw that away for an urge because if Remus is completely honest with himself, he feels an urge. An urge that has never gone away, that urge is Sirius. He can't deny it because Marlene just laid it out in front of him, he doesn't hate Sirius so that means he's burying it to hide something. 

Remus cannot lose Sirius, it's out of the question. He can't. He needs to keep it... whatever the urge is, buried. 

***

Including Sunday, Remus spent two days completely avoiding the boys, he didn't want them to look at him and instantly know there was something wrong, something different about him. They would, the bastards know everything about him, okay, he pretends it annoys him but he loves it, mostly. To completely know Remus was a rare thing, he always hides something from people, but the Marauders do know him, almost too well. They would know something is up, they'd be able to read this urge that Remus is trying to hide, he was sure of it. They obviously caught on quickly that something was wrong, they kept trying to corner him or pull his curtains open when he was sleeping, unfortunately for them he's mastered sticking charms and waking up early. Even earlier than James during early quidditch mornings. 

Sirius's seventeenth birthday is what got Remus to come out of hiding, seemingly for no reason because it was on a Wednesday this year and Sirius decided he didn't want to do anything. The Halloween party was enough, he even told them not to sing happy birthday because they had already done that at the party, it wasn't like Sirius to throw an opportunity for the spotlight away but he did, much to the disappointment of James. Despite all of Sirius's reluctance, James had got the house-elves to bake Sirius a cake and forced almost everyone in the Great Hall to sing happy birthday. Sirius gave his best smile but Remus knew there was something wrong, it killed him a little to know he was the reason Sirius Black was not remotely excited about his birthday. 

The day came and went fast, by night he was exhausted. All this avoiding takes up so much energy that Remus feels completely beat. Sleep came easily that night but didn't last, he couldn't stop stirring but when he finally woke up he sees Sirius awake in his own bed. Even in the dark, he can see Sirius watching him.

Remus gives him a tired smile. "Hi," He whispers softly, not wanting to disturb his sleeping roommates.

"Hey."

"Can't sleep?"

"Nope."

Remus stares at Sirius for a bit he looks sad. Everything in Remus's body is screaming at him to help him, sadness doesn't suit him. "Want to talk?"

"I don't want to wake up James and Peter."

Remus sits up and pats his bed. "I'll put up a silencing charm, they won't hear us."

Sirius hesitates, Remus thinks for a moment that he's going to say no which makes his chest ache. Eventually, he gets up from his bed and tiptoes over. Once he's sat Remus flicks his wand and the curtains pull around them, he places a silencing charm and sets his wand down. "What's wrong?"

"I just—it's hard,"

Remus studies his face, he looks tired. Worn out. "What's hard?"

"Being around you..."

Oh.

"I just want things to go back to normal. I miss you. And I know you're here, but it feels like you're so far away. I want to be able to do everything we used to without having to think ‘is he going to think I’m coming onto him’ it’s so hard, Remus.”

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't apologise, it's not your fault you don't have feelings like that for me, okay? Don't apologise, you'll make me feel worse."

Remus bites down another apology that's trying to form. "I miss you too." An apology in other words. 

Sirius is right, they're far away from each other. He feels like they are two ships in the night, meeting in the middle for a brief time before passing each other again. 

"I'm sorry for kissing you, I shouldn't have done it. Or—I should have asked you first. I don't know why I thought you would be okay with it."

“Don’t be sorry, I think you’re brave.” It hurts to hear him apologise, much more than Remus thinks it should, he had wanted an apology before but now it doesn't feel right. 

"I regret it."

Oh. Why? He wants to ask, but he doesn't. Instead, he swallows hard, knowing he shouldn't be wanting Sirius to not regret it. This is good, right? An apology will help bury it. 

"It was so dumb and so selfish, I—Merlin—Moony, I'm such an idiot."

"No, you're not."

"Can we—can we go back to normal, please? Just forget it happened. I just want to be your friend again, I don't want you avoiding me or seeing me differently."

Normal... Remus should want that.

"I don’t see you differently, you’ll always be the same ol' Padfoot. My Padfoot.” 

Something flickers in Sirius's eyes and he looks like he's going to cry. "Don't call me yours Moony, you don't mean it."

He can't exactly say that he does mean it because that would mean something that Remus can't get into at the moment, and he can't say that he doesn't mean it because well, that would be a bald-faced lie. So, he says nothing. The words linger heavily in the air like cigarette smoke. 

"Can I stay here for a bit?" Sirius breaks the silence, "We don't have to talk, you can go back to bed. I don't want to go back to my bed yet, I haven't been able to sleep all night."

"Of course," Remus moves to make room for him and lifts the covers, "you can sleep here if you want." 

"I shouldn't."

“Oh c’mon, you sleep in James's bed sometimes, it shouldn't be any different.” Sirius stares for a moment, he can almost see Sirius's mind trying to figure out a reason to say no but he doesn't, he sighs and crawls under the covers and faces away from Remus. They don’t touch but they’re close enough that when Remus inhales he gets a whiff of something familiar that makes his stomach flutter. “Do you—you smell like oranges.” 

Sirius chuckles and shifts, "Pete told me he hates oranges so I bought him orange-scented shampoo, he won't use it so I do. Drives him mad."

“I love oranges...”

“Mhm, me too.” 

Remus falls asleep inhaling the smell of orange and feeling more at ease than he has for a while.

When he wakes up a few hours later he finds his nose pressed into the crook of Sirius's neck and an arm wrapped around him. He's not sure when it happened but Sirius is holding him. He stills, not wanting to wake him up, he feels warm and panicky and so comfortable. Sirius feels like the puzzle piece he didn't know was missing. 

This moment feels like a different world and it's just the two of them. Behind the curtains, there aren't two sleeping friends who might see them cuddled together and never talk to them again, it's just Remus and Sirius. He really should close his eyes and keep pretending, go back to sleep and let Sirius be the one to wake up first. 

But he can't just go back to bed, can he? Because he knows that he's being held by Sirius and he's willingly cuddled into him. And the worst part is, that he likes it. He really likes it. 

Remus stops breathing for a moment, this wasn't normal, he shouldn't be doing this. He takes one last inhale of orange and slowly pulls back, trying hard not to wake Sirius up. 

When he finally gets away he looks down at Sirius, laying there perfectly content. Remus smiles, he gets the sudden urge to reach out and touch his face but he shouldn't, he wants to let him rest. Remus can't stop himself though, he leans over and tucks a piece of loose hair behind his ear, his fingers brushing along his jaw gently. He lets out a quiet sigh, Sirius is warm and he just wants to hold his face in his hands forever. But he can't. 

He has to leave before he crawls back under the covers, he takes one last look at Sirius before leaving the comfort of their own little world, he hopes that Sirius will wake up before James and Peter so he doesn't have to explain why he's in Remus's bed. He gets dressed quickly and leaves the dorm to make his way to his hiding spot. He can hide and pretend that he didn't just touch Sirius's soft, perfect face.

At this point, Remus is thinking about packing up his bags and moving into his Ravenclaw tower alcove, it's the most sensible option.

Although he did not take into account the fact that it was early in the morning and Ravenclaw students were notorious early birds, it wouldn't exactly be subtle to jump behind a tapestry with Ravenclaws hanging around. Instead, he stands in front of a window waiting until the crowd has dispersed, trying not to seem too out of place. 

"Oh my," A feathery voice says from behind him, he spins around to see the blonde Ravenclaw that he's seen before with Dorcas and Regulus, she's wearing her robes inside out, odd. "It's been a while since I've seen anyone this colour."

"Er... are you talking to me?" 

"Yes, grey. Oh, are you quite alright?"

Well, today is good as any to be having a stroke. 

"Not a stroke, your colour, it's grey." She waves her finger around him as if showing him.

"My what?"

"Your colour," she repeats as if it's normal for people to be in colour.

Go away, he thinks, he's not in the mood to be bothered by some wacko. 

"I quite like the term wacko, don't you think? I find it awfully boring to be normal."

"Um, sure."

Wait...

"Why did you say that?"

"Which part, I often find myself saying many things. I can't keep them all in my head."

"The wacko part."

"Oh, yes. Well, you say it as if it's an insult, I thought it complementary." 

"But I didn't say it..."

"I think you'll find you did," she says while taking out her wand, she summons a blue butterfly and laughs as it flies off. "Exceptional creatures, butterflies."

Remus glances over to his alcove, the coast is clear except for this weird witch summoning butterflies in front of him.

"Pandora," she states and sends a butterfly over to him. "Would you like help with your colour? I helped Regulus, he's green now, suits him don't you think? He was grey too, much like you he had a journey to go on, but he's getting there. My poor grey friend, often the journeys are the hardest part. Especially when it seems to be so conflicting inside of you."

He's beyond confused now, he just wants to get behind the tapestry and hide for rest of the day. 

"This tapestry?" She asks curiously, she walks over and pushes it aside. "Oh wow! Is there something behind this?"

He doesn't answer, he doesn't think he needs to. She's like... reading this mind? Instead, he thinks about the pressure point on the wood which opens it.

"Hmm," she says while pressing the point, the wood moves and the alcove is revealed. "Oh my, well isn't that peculiar." 

Remus just stares at her. She has to be a Legilimens, some form of one at least. He'll have to do some research on it.

Pandora stares at him thoughtfully and tilts her head, "Legilimens? I don't believe so."

That makes Remus laugh, she really just took the words out of his mind and then denied being a Legilimens. It's almost a relief, knowing that he wasn't talking out loud without realising it. Although, he feels a bit intruded on. He takes comfort in the fact that she isn't doing it on purpose. He thinks of Sirius, how he told him about his mother using legilimency on him. He told Remus about the pain it caused, forcing herself maliciously through his memories, picking things apart and ripping them out. The bitch. This was nothing like that.

"Ah, Walburga." Pandora's voice is surprisingly harsh, from the limited time spent with her he's getting the impression that she's a calm person. "She's quite dreadful, I've heard some less pleasant stories of her from Regulus. I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Sirius, tell me, what about Sirius scares you? You seem scared of him... or no, not scared of him actually, scared of what you two could be, perhaps?"

Remus's mouth drops open, now he feels invaded. He should have known to bury Sirius deeper down the moment he realised she was a Legilimens.

"It's really none of your business, I don't know you and my relation—friendship with Sirius isn't your concern."

"No, it's not but what does concern me is your colour. It's so sad to see, I'd be honoured to help."

Curiosity gets the better of him, he should really tell her to shove off. "How did you help Regulus?" 

"I helped him realise that he is in love. It was a confusing journey for him but their love was fated in the stars, meant to be. Alas, I don't believe it will burn for long. But that's the beauty of some things, isn't it?" Pandora gives him a proud smile and waves her wand, a green vine wraps around her forearm while another red vine trails behind it, lacing itself with the green.  

"Is he with her now?"

"You'll find you think you know someone and they surprise you in the most pleasant ways." 

"Er, okay." 

"Oh, look at the clouds," Pandora points out the window "It's time for breakfast. Would you come with me?"  

Remus looks over at the tapestry, he really should just get in there and stay for the rest of the day, who cares about classes... but he is hungry. Pandora, who is seemingly distracted by an orange flower she has conjured doesn't seem to notice Remus's hesitancy. She probably does he thinks to himself, she seems to know everything.

"Not everything." Pandora shows him the orange flower, "It's called a Clematis crispa, gorgeous. Isn't it?"

It is, it's shaped like a bell and hangs upside down from its stem. Bright and has an 'in-your-face' sort of beauty, it's attractive in a way that you want to deny it but can't.

Pandora leans over and places it behind his ear, she loops her arm in his and starts their walk to the Great Hall. 

They’re silent on the walk, he wonders what’s going on in her head. It must be hard to constantly be hearing everyone’s thoughts, if that’s how it works. It must be hard holding the burdens of so many people, she seems like a perfectly happy girl. She offered to help him, he doesn’t want her to, of course, he doesn’t really want to know what the hell his ‘colour’ means and he doesn’t want her to know what’s in his head more than she already does. If he's honest, he still thinks she’s a little bit mad for seeing him as a colour, he's never read any book that talks about invisible colours around people.

When they arrive at the Great Hall he spots the Marauders eating breakfast, he starts to head towards them but Pandora pulls him back and holds both of his arms.

"I know you don't want me to help you Remus, but please remember that you cannot deny yourself from feeling. You deserve love, even if you don't feel like you do and even if it comes in forms you didn't think possible. Because somewhere in your heart, you knew it was always a possibility." Pandora places her hand on his chest above his heart and gives him a kind smile, she presses a kiss on his cheek and then skips off to the Slytherin table where she sits beside Regulus. Regulus wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her in for a hug, she says something to him and Regulus looks up at Remus. What did she tell him? Regulus nods at him and looks back down at his breakfast before he can acknowledge him back. When Remus sits with the boys he is greeted with weird looks.

“Why do you have a flower in your hair? Have you officially become a hippy?” Peter asks while laughing.

“Oh,” Remus, who had forgotten about the flower, plucks it out of his hair and sets it on the table.

Sirius picks it up and smells it. “What kind of flower is it? I’ve never felt a leathery flower before,” he asks Remus curiously.

Remus sits up straight and looks at Pandora. Orange, leather… two of his Amortentia smells. Christ, Legilimens are freaky. He hopes it’s a coincidence until he sees Pandora smirking at him, she taps her temple as if to say ‘I know.'

“Why were you with Pandora? I didn’t know you knew her,” James asks. “She’s Regulus’s friend.”

“I just ran into her, she’s um.. different.”

“Nothing wrong with different,” James says defensively.

“I didn’t say there was.” Remus snaps back.

“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed,” James grumbles

“Oh yeah, where were you this morning? We came to wake you up but you were gone.” Peter tilts his head while chewing on his toast.

Remus looks at Sirius, so he did have the sense to move beds before they woke up. Sirius looks much more well-rested than he has in the last few days, a feeling of warmth and pride prickles in his chest. Sirius doesn’t look him in the eyes, he imagines he’s feeling regret for last night which doesn't sit right with him.

“I had to do a couple of things in the library before class.”

“Swot,” James flicks a crumb at him. 

“Four-eyes.” 

James and Remus laugh and the tension from them snapping at each other melts away.

Remus clears his throat trying to get Sirius's attention, he hates the thought of Sirius being mad at him. When he still doesn’t look up, he nudges his shin under the table gently with his foot and Sirius finally meets his eyes. Remus gives him a smile and receives one back, “did you sleep well?”

“Best I have in ages.”

Chapter Text

Much to James and Peter's sorrow, Peter did not make the quidditch team, although he did become a stand-in which apparently was cause for celebration. Even if that meant that he wasn't technically on the team, only if something terrible happened to the new Keeper, Astrid Beck. Peter still felt he deserved some praise because as he so sensitively pointed out "I might still get to play this year, people get unhealable injuries all the time." Remus was secretly glad that Peter didn't get on the team, he really couldn't take hearing about quidditch more than he already did. He would never tell Peter that, he was wallowing in it enough at the moment. 

"I wish I was like you," Peter slurred over his words, he wasn't looking at anyone in particular just laying on the floor staring up at the ceiling of their dorm. "I wish I was like you," He repeated. 

Remus decided it was better for him not to drink, it had been over two weeks since the party and he was still feeling trauma from that hangover and isn't in a rush to relive it. 

"Wormtail! No one knows what the hell you're on about!" Sirius shouts from his bed, he's currently laying upside down with a cigarette hanging from his lips and a bottle of fire whisky in his hand. Remus tries not to stare but he can't help it, he likes the way Sirius smokes cigarettes. There's something that stirs dangerously inside Remus while he watches the way his lips wrap around the end of the cigarette and the way the smoke dances around his face. It's enough to make Remus feel lightheaded, he has to look away at James who is laying beside Peter playing catch with his snitch. 

"I wish I was like you!" Peter says again then slowly sits up from the ground and looks at James, "why can't I be as good as you? I try so hard and I'm just shite!"

"Wormy, there's no way you could ever be as good as James," Sirius interjects unhelpfully. The comment makes Peter take a long swing of his drink and fall back to the ground. Remus throws his pillow at Sirius and knocks his cigarette out of his mouth then leans over to pick it up and finish it. "Hey!" Sirius whines. 

"You snooze, you lose," Remus teases while snubbing it out. 

"Don't worry Peter, there's always next year! We'll work all summer break and you'll come back better than ever!" James drops the snitch and ruffles his hair. 

As captain, James gets to handpick the team, he imagines it's hard for James to be objective. James does everything for his friends, his devotion to his friends is one of his most enduring qualities, it probably hurts James as much as it does Peter. So, when he says they'll train all summer, he means it. 

"Moony?" James interrupts his thoughts ironically, considering he was praising him, James would have been flattered. Remus grunts in response, his shoulder is killing him. "We've all been respectful of your boundaries and nobody has asked yet, but it's time for you to tell us."

"And what am I supposed to be telling you lot?" 

"What happened with you and Marlene? You guys fought at breakfast and we haven't seen you together since, and you've never talked about it. We're worried about you, Moons." 

Great, this is exactly what he's been trying to avoid. He can't exactly tell them the truth, it's out of the question. Hey guys, Marlene called it off because she hates that I hate queer people (which I don't) and oh, did I mention that she's queer? By the way, she dated me just to make some Slytherin bird jealous. Yeah, that's not going to happen. Marlene hasn't talked to him since the argument, he misses her like mad plus he's genuinely curious to know if she's with Dorcas now and he just wants someone to talk to who he can be one hundred percent honest with.

"You guys seemed really happy together," Peter adds. 

"Er..."

He still hasn't thought up a good excuse, he's relieved they gave him space on this but apparently, two bottles of firewhiskey overpower boundaries. They're all watching him expectantly, it's become overwhelmingly obvious that they've all sat around discussing his failed love life and it's embarrassing as hell. 

"...She wanted me to come and watch her quidditch practices and I told her I'd rather spend time studying than sitting out in the cold." 

Shite. A shite excuse, why did that come out of his mouth? Fuck, he's just realising that he could have just told them it was none of their business, or even better, that he is too heartbroken to talk about it. He feels the need to smack himself on the forehead but resists. 

"Oh, Lupin! Why would you say that?! Godric, now I can understand why she broke up with you!" James leaps up clumsily from the ground and swats the back of Remus's head. "If my b—If my girlfriend ever told me that they wanted to read instead of watching me play then I think I'd just die inside!" James hits him again and falls on his bed. "You need to fix that Remus, get decked out in red, get into those stands and cheer your swot mouth off! It's what she deserves, she's brilliant!"

"Yeah maybe, who cares though? Nothing I can do about it, not as it matters anyway, she's just one bird. Gotta move on, plenty of fish i—"

Remus doesn't have time to finish his sentence before James pushes Remus down and is on top of him, he's got his hand over his mouth and is looking at him with a scowl. "Don't talk about Marls like that! She's a freaking goddess! She's not some fish that you play catch and release with! Christ! Has nobody taught you to respect women?! What would your mother say?! You know what, I'm writing to her and telling her you said that!!" 

"James! I've heard Sirius say worse than that and you've never told him off!" Peter says through wheezing laughter, apparently entertained by James's anger. 

"Oi, shut up rat!" Sirius yaps at him, "I don't want James going at me too, I am reformed now!"  

"You expect filth to come out of Padfoot, not Remus! What the hell! You can't talk like that because you got your heartbroken!" James releases his grip over Remus's mouth but smacks him in the head again. "Apologise."

"I'm sorry, James," Remus says flatly with an eyebrow cocked. 

"Not to me, you utter twat! To Marlene!!" 

"She's not here, is she?!" 

"Say it anyway!"

"Ja—ow!—fucking hell—stop it!" Remus grabs James's wrist to stop him from smacking him and grabs the other wrist as it comes down. Remus pushes him off the bed and sits up. "I'm sorry, Marlene," James looks satisfied with this while Sirius and Peter laugh their heads off. "I hate you guys," Remus says grumpily, "You're unbearable when you drink."

"That's rich coming from you!" Peter speaks up, who really has no place in the matter, he's the most obnoxious of them all when he's had too many.

"I don't know Petey, I think I prefer drunk Moony. He's so much sweeter." Sirius chuckles while giving Remus a wink, it's a harmless gesture, one a friend would do to another friend... but the lurch in his stomach tells another story. He can feel the tips of his ears go hot and suddenly realises that his treacherous face is probably showing what his ears are hiding. 

"Piss off," Remus huffs while covering his face.

"He's not sweet to me! Why is he sweet to you? Totally unfair!" James complains while furrowing his eyebrows. "Keep being mean to me Remus and I might just fall in love with you, you know how I am when people are mean to me."

"What?!" Sirius sputters as he tries to pull himself right side up to look at James, but he doesn't catch himself and falls off the bed. "You can't fall in love with Moony, James...wha—what about Lily?" 

"Oh shut it, I'm only teasing. Plus, Lily doesn't want me so whatever... and I can fall in love with whoever I want," James points his finger and scrunches up his nose at Sirius, "but I wouldn't, ya know, fall in love with Moony, I know he's yours."

"What?!" Sirius and Remus say simultaneously.  

James and Peter fall back to the ground laughing, "the look on your faces!! Oh my gods," James chokes out through his laughter. "I'm only taking the piss!"

"Idiot," Remus grumbles and looks over at Sirius who is frowning and looks over at him with a question in his eyes, Remus clears his throat and looks down at his hands, he didn't have an answer to that question, not yet. 

One of the very few perks of being a werewolf is that when things confuse Remus, he gets the privilege to say "must be the wolf," and this is one of those times.

Sirius Orion Black is Remus John Lupins. He's not his property by any means, but Sirius is his. He's part of his being. Even before he knew him, he was his. And Remus blames the wolf, the wolf claimed him the first time he met him.

Remus doesn't remember very many of his full moons but he'll never forget that night, the first moon he didn't spend alone. 

The wolf woke up to a big black dog in the room with a massive stag and a little rat, the rat stank of fear, the stag wasn't scared but he was wary but the dog... the dog was bursting with excitement. The wolf had been taken aback by that at first, his first experience with any other animals and there was a black dog radiating energy. The first instinct was to attack but the wolf quickly realised that it wasn't a threat when it rolled over onto its stomach to submit. That was the moment the wolf first thought 'pack,'  and that was the moment that the wolf would do anything for the dog. The stag and the rat grew on him once they got over their nerves, they became part of his pack but it was the dog that was his first. The dog that he would play tug with, howl at the moon with, the one he would miss the most when it didn't show up, the dog was his and that was that. 

Now Remus blames the urges he's trying to bury for Sirius on the wolf, yes, the wolf. They are so much stronger now because of the waxing moon, that's it. The urges came around every time the moon did, just like the blazing pains in his shoulders or his hip. The moon was two days away and that is the reason he has the sudden desire to feel Sirius all over him. 

Speaking of which, Remus gets a searing pain through his shoulders that almost makes him cry out. He holds in the whine that is threatening to get out and rubs his shoulder, trying to be discrete and not pull any attention.  

James, who has a weird sixth sense for Remus's pain notices, "Remus? Mate, are you okay?"

"Mm, yeah." He lies while rubbing his shoulder, he was starting to feel tense and really doesn't want to take out his pain on James. Plus, he didn't want anyone feeling pity for him tonight, tonight was Peter's pity party. 

"You're not." 

"I am," Remus closes his eyes tightly and drops his head, shit, it felt awful, like someone was dragging a knife along the length of his shoulder blades. 

"Rem—"

"I said I'm fine!" He shouts at James and grabs his wand, he quickly flicks his curtains shut and casts a silencing charm. "FUCK!!" he screams out. Can someone invent a cure for lycanthropy already?! There must be some smartass out there who can figure this out, can't be that hard. Okay, it probably is but he's in too much pain to care. Some werewolf ought to bite an important member of society like the minister of magic, he's sure there would be a cure pretty fast if that was the case. Ugh, he shouldn't think like that.  

The pain starts to dull after about a few minutes of Remus crying out loudly. He all of a sudden felt incredibly tired like the pain had drained everything from him. He removes the silencing charm and listens to the boys talk behind the curtains. 

"Are you two still fighting?" James asks Sirius (he guesses, Sirius is the only one who he fights with).

"No, of course not. We're fine."

"Really? Then what's his deal?"

"I don't know, the full moon is coming up, probably something to do with that."

"I'm not talking about him being in pain, I'm talking about for the past month. He's not himself."

"I've noticed it too, it's like first year all over again, he's been avoiding all of us," Peter adds.

"Why are you guys asking me? He's been the same with me."

"Pads, we're not dumb. We can see something is wrong with you two. You know that you can tell us anything," James says softly and he means it, James is always there to lend an ear without judgement.

"Not anything," Sirius says quietly but Remus catches it. 

"I miss him. Without his evil genius mind, we haven't done a prank in ages." 

"Not true! We charmed all the quills to bite people last week." Sirius chuckles, no doubt remembering the chaos they brought. 

Remus remembers that one, they didn't get to tell him about it because he was busy hiding away, the damn quill bit his finger and held on until he broke it in half. Bloody, brilliant idiots.

"It's not the same without Moony." Peter sighs and Remus feels an odd mixture of guilt and love for his friends. 

"Are you guys done whining about me being elusive?" He says as he flicks the curtains open, "I thought you like my mysterious vibe."

"We did when we were 11 and trying to crack your code! Now we just miss you when you're gone," James complains with a pout. 

"Yeah yeah, I'm going to bed. Don't bother me with your drunken nonsense, okay?"

"Okay, Moony," Peter nods with a smile. 

"As you wish, Moony." James salutes him. 

Sirius says nothing, James leans over and hits Sirius in the arm and nods his head towards Remus. 

"I quite like bothering you," Sirius says cheekily. 

"And you succeed every time," Remus bats his eyes at him sweetly.

"Cunt."

"Twat."

They both laugh and Remus doesn't miss the big, prideful smile on James's face, as if they had just given each other the most sincere apology, to be fair to James, it wasn't their least sincere apology. 

"Alright, leave me alone and let me rest. I've got to become a monster in two days and I need sleep."

***

The transformation is unbearable every time, it never gets better and tonight is no different. He screams and screams until he's no longer himself and the wolf is standing there in front of his pack. Things are simpler when the wolf takes over, no complicated human emotions just his pack and the wolf just wants to run. 

The pack leads him out of his prison, he's always grateful for that and rewards them each with a nuzzle. It confuses him how they do it, he's never been able to manage it alone. The wolf knows that all things are better with a pack. 

The dog nips at his ear playfully and runs off, the wolf instantly starts chasing after him. It doesn't take long to catch up and they spend the rest of the night playfighting, at one point they run into a Quintaped which screeches at them and threatens them with its teeth. The wolf challenges it, the wolf wants to fight maybe even kill the challenger but his pack wants to retreat and find a calm area of the forest far away from the five-legged thing, he inevitably follows them.

The stag impresses the pack with its ability to hit trees with its antlers, one tree falls over and the wolf and the dog howl in victory. The rat entertains by running rings around the wolf avoiding being caught, and the dog stays loyally by his side. 

It's a successful, fun night and the wolf is content with his pack. He grows frustrated when they start to herd him back to his prison, he doesn't want to leave them yet, he starts getting agitated but the stag and dog team up and he relents, allowing them to return him to his cage. 

The wolf howls in pain as the moon starts to set, he says goodbye to his pack. A crushing pain rips through his body, stretching and tearing as he reshapes back into himself. 

"A Quintaped!! How did it get in the forest!? That was wicked and disturbing!" Peter whisper-yells.  

Remus stirs slightly, feeling warm and surprisingly less sore than usual, it must have been a good night. He hears a quiet huff and realises why he's so warm, Padfoot is snuggled into him. His nose is pressed into his chest, it's cold but comforting. He's snoring quietly and it makes Remus smile, he pets behind his ear and Padfoot responds in his sleep with a pleasant whine. He continues to pet him absentmindedly before his fingers freeze... this is Sirius, not some dog, ah he's petting Sirius. It's so easy to forget sometimes. He quickly pulls his hand away and glances over to Peter and James to see if they noticed, the two are busy in a heated discussion over a Quintaped.

They should really leave, Madam Pomfrey would be here soon to collect him.

“Morning,” Remus whispers to them, he doesn’t want to wake up Padfoot yet.

“Morning!” They chirp back.

“Sorry about Pads. The wolf was having a hard time changing back, Padfoot went over to comfort him which always does the trick. He doesn't usually fall asleep but I guess he was tired.”

James calling him the wolf is another comfort to Remus, he’s separate from the wolf, and he prefers it that way. Once Peter was recounting a story from the night and kept saying “you did this,” “you did that,” and Remus got so angry that he screamed at Peter, James and Sirius had to hold him back from beating poor Pete in the face, Peter nor any of the other boys have made that mistake since.

“s'fine, oddly comforting to wake up with a dog cuddled into you,” he pets behind his ear again before remembering again and then pulls his hand away quickly. “You guys should get out of here though, Pomfrey will be around any minute.”

Peter nods and changes into Wormtail, James lifts him onto his shoulder.

“Do you remember last night?”

“Some of it, not really though. Why?”

“Just want to make sure we have a good story to tell you when we see you later in the hospital wing.”

Remus chuckles and pats Padfoot on the paw. “Hey," he says softly, “get your lazy dog butt up and get outta here,” Padfoot lifts his head and huffs, Remus expects him to change back but he doesn’t. He just gets up with a yawn and crawls over to James.

“See you soon, get some rest!” James grins at him as he pulls over the cloak.

They disappear and Remus sets his head back down on the dingy mattress, he’s exhausted and hopes Pomfrey doesn’t wake him up for the walk back to the castle.

He misses the warmth of Padfoot.

To his relief Pomfrey doesn't wake him up, he gets to wake up in a hospital bed instead of walking back while pretending his hip doesn't feel like it's about to be set on fire. 

"Oh, you three! How many times have I told you to stay away in the morning!" Pomfrey's firm voice comes through the curtains. Remus pulls himself up in anticipation of his friends bursting through the curtains.

Despite what some may say about Madam Pomfrey, she is a massive softie. It takes about two minutes of her explaining to the boys that "Remus must sleep!" and "he's had a very difficult night" before he hears a tut and she finally relents, "Fine, but if he's asleep don't wake him up!" 

The curtains rip open and he's met with three bright smiles. He feels such love for his stupid friends, they're smiling at him as if they didn't just see him an hour ago. 

"Moony!" Peter dumps a pile of assorted chocolates on his lap, "boy, do we have a story for you!" 

"Maybe not in here, eh Pettigrew?" Sirius elbows him while snatching up one of the chocolate frogs, "the old bat has ears like a... well like a bat." 

"Don't call her that," Remus scolds him, "how are you lot? Did you get some sleep?"

"That's our Moony, always worried about us. What would we do without you?" James coos and pinches his cheek, Remus instantly swats his fingers away and rubs the now sore spot. 

"Crash and burn."

The boys agree and start to share hushed stories about the night, Sirius shares an animated story about how the wolf kept nipping at Padfoot's tail and explains in great detail how he would get revenge if that ever happened again, to which Remus replied that Padfoot wouldn't dare try because he's the wolf's bitch. Sirius's face goes red and he crosses his arms while pouting like a child trying his best to ignore the wild laughter coming from Peter and James. 

It's funny what they say about laughter being the best medicine, it's not true in the literal sense but it's true in every other sense. These mornings in the hospital wing surrounded by the three people he loves most in the world are the most healing thing he's ever experienced. He's so fucking grateful for his friends, he's still not quite sure how he's managed it or why they're even still around but he thanks whoever is listening every day for James Potter, Peter Pettigrew and Sirius Black. 

Remus notices that James is distracted his eyes keep darting over to the clock on the wall as if he has somewhere to be. 

"Hey Prongs, you on a tight schedule?"

"Hm?" He asks while staring at the clock.

"Do you need to go?" 

"Oh uh, no. Well, yeah. But I have time. Don't worry about it Moons, I wouldn't leave you before you're discharged."

"Go on, I've got the other two,"

Sirius chuckles, "the other two, nice one Remus," he elbows Peter. "Nice to be appreciated huh."

James lets out a huff and finally looks over, "it's just some um, school stuff and I have to get it in before class..."

He's lying, he's never been a great liar but we all have secrets, James can have his... even if his curiosity is killing him.

"Go." 

"Cheers, Moony!! I'll see you at lunch!" James runs out of the wing, completely ignoring Madam Pomfrey shouting at him not to run.

"Er... I've got to go too," Peter says with a guilty face while wringing his hands, "I want to meet Dorcas before class, I swear she's starting to like me." 

Remus can tell Peter's telling the truth, the poor guy is obsessed with her. He doesn't have the heart to tell him it's never going to happen. Remus waves him off and with that, he's alone with Sirius. 

"Can't believe we got ditched because those two are lovesick gits. James is obviously going to go try it on with Lily."

"Lily? Didn't he say that wasn't going to happen?"

"He'll never give up, he's persistent." Sirius chuckles and tosses his hair to the side then mumbles, "I know the feeling."

Remus watches as Sirius absentmindedly plays with his hair, it's really hard to deny the fact that Sirius is indescribably handsome. Beyond words, it's almost unfair. He thinks back to the morning after he slept in his bed and how Remus got to admire his beauty as he slept, it's effortless. It's definitely unfair. He can't help but think why would Sirius ever want to kiss him? He's scarred and lengthy, awkward and ugly, Sirius could have anyone in the entire castle, even some of the portraits would swoon for him. So why Remus? Those lips were on his a month ago, they could have been on someone else's but he chose Remus... it stumped him. A question that he will never get answered because Remus can never ask.

"What?"

Remus's attention snaps up, he hadn't realized he was staring at his lips. 

"Nothing."

"C'mon, spit it out. I can tell when you're thinking hard, you get a wrinkle on your brow and your lips purse together." Sirius reaches over and smooths out his brow, Remus doesn't pull away. It's cruel really because he always wants to smooth Sirius's brows out but can't... why is it that everything Sirius Black does is just absolutely effortless?

"Nothing, really." Sirius is about to open his mouth to protest when Pomfrey comes in and saves the day.

"Feeling alright dear?" Remus nods in response. "You can go anytime then, I won't keep you. Do feel free to come back any time today if you start feeling unwell," Pomfrey reaches out and pats his shoulder with a kind smile. "Get some rest before class."

Remus doesn't say anything to Sirius the whole way back to the tower, he's afraid he might say something dumb about his stupid, handsome face but thankfully he doesn't have the chance to say anything because the Hufflepuff from Halloween whom he's already forgotten the name of is waiting outside the portrait hole. 

"Sirius! Hi!" She beams at him, "just the person I was waiting for."

Obviously. 

"Hiya Ruby, you look gorgeous this morning." She giggles at him and places her hand on his forearm while she chats away about whatever, Remus stopped listening. He does notice how she bats her eyelashes and plays with her hair while he talks to her. 

Gross. Remus quickly excuses himself and makes his way to his dorm. There are still a few more hours until class and Remus doesn't feel tired and doesn't want to wait around until Sirius decides to give him the time of day. So he thinks the best option is to find James, Peter is a no-go, he can't stomach watching the failed attempts at flirting with a lesbian. 

Luckily the map is on his side, he taps it with his wand, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” He watches as the map reveals itself and starts to look for James. He's surprised when he sees James inside the one-eyed witch passage but even more surprised when he sees that he's not alone. Remus has to rub his eyes to make sure that he's not hallucinating because what the fuck... James Potter's name is floating next to Regulus Black. 

The map is broken, it must be wrong or it's lying, that's the only option. 

Only, the map never lies. 

What the fuck!?

Things slowly start to click in place, James freaking out when Peter mentioned Regulus, James staring at him from across the Great Hall, James asking for Regulus to come to the Halloween party, fuck. Was James seeing Regulus?! No, right? Because that's completely impossible and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever... James loves Lily. Doesn't he? He talked about Lily not liking him but Remus just thought it was James being dramatic... shit. Okay, deep breath. 

Remus doesn’t exactly know why he’s freaking out because it could be innocent. In fact, you know what, he’s decided it is completely innocent. Just a casual chat with two blokes in a dark tunnel where no one can find them, completely hidden away from the world. Absolutely doesn’t matter that it’s where the boys always joke that it's the perfect make-out spot. It doesn’t matter that James Potter hasn’t looked at anyone like how he looks at Lily except when he looks at Regulus. 

It doesn’t matter because this is impossible. Impossible.  

But then again, when has impossible ever stopped the Marauders? 

Fuck. James Potter is making out with Regulus Black. Fuck. Sirius can never know. Fuck. Why does Remus have to be the one to discover this?! 

He has to go shake the hell out of James, tell him off, and make sure Regulus didn’t curse him or something. 

Shit, how is he going to get past Sirius and the Hufflepuff? Hopefully, he’ll be too distracted making out with her to notice him slip by. He tries to ignore the resentment that stirs inside him, now is not the time to think about why he hates the fact that some stupid brunette Hufflepuff is kissing Sirius. 

Remus taps the map “mischief managed” and hides it in his robes. There’s no way in hell Sirius can see James with Regulus on the map, he might just drown both of them in the lake. 

He runs down the stairs and heads towards the portrait hole when he hears his name. He spins around quickly and sees Marlene standing up, her hands shyly behind her back.

“Oh, hi Marlene.” It’s the first time she’s spoken to him in what feels like forever, he wants to speak to her but James… “Can I catch up with you later? I just have something to do.” 

“I really want to talk, please.” 

“I—“ he REALLY needs to talk to James. But he can talk to James anytime, and maybe if he gets James in private then Regulus won’t hex his nose off… he’s seen Regulus throw some pretty nasty hexes… “Okay,” he goes to sit down on the couch but Marlene stops him.

“Can we go somewhere else? I don’t want people hearing us...” 

“Um,” he looks at the portrait hole, Sirius is on the other side of it with—nope, don’t think about it. “Sirius is out there,” he says without thinking. 

“We can sneak past him, please.” 

It’s the pleading in her voice that gets Remus, this must be important. He nods and they head to the portrait. Marlene grabs his hand and slips through with him, Sirius is in fact still out there. To Remus's relief he’s not sucking face with the Hufflepuff, he is however leaning against the wall in a way that looks so smooth that Remus can't help but think how charming Sirius is. His hair has been tossed to one side and he's got a smirk on his face that Remus can't stop staring at. Fuck, he's got a nice mouth.  

“Hi Sirius, hi Ruby.” Marlene waves at them. Right, Ruby. He keeps forgetting that's her name. 

“Hi Marley,” Sirius says without looking, when he does look over he sees Remus and his eyebrows furrow together. His eyes dart down to where Remus and Marlene's fingers are intertwined, something flickers over his face before he clears his throat and turns away from them back to Ruby. 

Marlene pulls him away before he can say anything to Sirius, once they’re down the stairs Remus pulls his hand from hers. “Why did you do that?” 

“Do what?” She asks innocently.

“You know, hold my hand. Sirius is going to think we’re back together.” 

“So? Does that bother you?” 

“No.” Because it doesn’t. Well fine, it does. He won't admit it to her but he hates the idea of Sirius thinking he's with Marlene again, he imagines Sirius feels the same way about him and Marlene as Remus feels when he sees him with... (her name's already forgotten) that Hufflepuff. He shouldn't compare the two, because Remus doesn't fancy Sirius the way Sirius fancies him... but that Hufflepuff pisses him right off. Whenever she's around he just wants to grab Sirius and take him as far away as possible. She's obviously obsessed with him, it's pathetic. 

Marlene leads him outside towards the Great Lake. Once they get there she picks up a stone and throws it into the water, she sits in the grass and continues throwing stones. Remus watches her for a bit until he finally sits beside her, she's watching the ripples in the lake while taking deep breaths in and out. He thinks she's trying to build up the nerve to say whatever she wants to say, he keeps quiet. 

"Dorcas and I are dating," she says eventually without looking at him. She's gripping a rock in her hand tightly, her other hand is fidgeting with her hair. 

"Oh wow, that's amazing," Remus smiles at her, still sort of confused as to why she seems so nervous. "I'm really happy for you two." Finally, he thinks. It's been sort of obvious since the moment that Marlene told him about the kiss that Dorcas was mad for her. He's never been glared at by someone more in his life than when he and Marlene were 'together' and that includes Snape. 

Marlene looks over at him with big teary eyes, her mouth is pressed into a frown. "Are you?"

"Of course, I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I—I really thought you'd hate me. Because of Dorcas, because of me."

He feels instantly guilty, she's been avoiding him for so long because she thinks he hates queer people. It's just an awful thought. "Marlene... I'm not—" Remus clears his throat, how does he put this. "—I don't hate you. Or Dorcas. Or Sirius." He says clearly, the frown on her face doesn't go away but it does soften. "Marlene, I just want you to be happy. Whoever you're with. Who you love doesn't matter, your happiness is the most important thing to me."

She smiles finally, God, he misses her smile. She leans her shoulder into him and lets out a sigh of relief. "And what about you? What about your happiness?" 

Remus lets out a hollow laugh, his happiness? When has that ever mattered? He hasn't allowed himself to be truly happy since he was five years old. 

Marlene links her arm with his and rests her head on his shoulder, "it really hurts me to see yourself deny the happiness that's right in front of you. I understand why you're doing it, I really do. I was the same. It took me two years to work up the courage to talk to Dorcas, I stayed far away from her because I knew when I looked at her I saw the most beautiful person to exist and that scared the hell out of me. Because I thought that it was wrong to look at a girl and think 'wow that girl is my world.' It took me a long time to realise it's not wrong, it took Dorcas even longer. That's why she freaked out, she was scared. You know, she reminds me of you, she thought she hated queer people because she just buried everything so deep that things were dark for her. But, thankfully, she overcame it. She's so much happier now. Isn't that what we all want, to be happy?"

He wants that, a lot. Remus wants to be happy, but he doesn't know how to be. He doesn't think he's allowed to, he's been happy before, of course, but those are fleeting moments. He can be happy but it doesn't change the fact that he's missing something in his life. And he's tired. It would be nice to be just happy—not angry, confused, hurt, or anxious, just happy. 

"How did she do it... overcome her fears?" He says quietly, he secretly hopes that she doesn't hear him. He's scared to know, which is funny considering he doesn't want to be scared anymore.

Marlene lifts her head from his shoulder and gives him a soft smile. "She stopped living her life how she thought others wanted her to. She ignored that stupid voice in her head that told her what she wanted was wrong, she let herself be in love." 

"Oh. How... how do I overcome mine?"

"First, you have to admit what you're scared of, out loud, admit it to yourself because I don't think you have even told yourself what you're scared of."

What is he afraid of? When did everything get so messy for him? The obvious answer is when Sirius kissed him, but it was before that. He's been scared, worried, thinking that he's wrong for so long but when was that first moment, when it all got so complicated.

If he thinks hard it was in fourth year, Sirius had come to him with an idea for a prank. He didn't think that James would approve so he came to Remus, he remembers feeling such pride to be able to share something with Sirius that was just theirs. It was just a small moment, nothing significant but at that moment he wanted so many things to be just theirs. Whispered late-night talks, secret glances from across the classroom, inside jokes that confused Peter and James, blasting records alone, shared cigarettes in the chill of autumn. He needed Sirius more than he had ever needed anyone before and that scared the hell out of Remus.   

"Sirius." He whispers as he looks over at Marlene, she gives him a comforting smile and nods, like she's telling him to go on, "I'm not scared of him... I'm scared of how he makes me feel." He thinks back to Pandora and lets out a little chuckle that Marlene raises her eyebrow at. Pandora had told him the same thing, he wasn't scared of Sirius, he was scared of what they could be. She was right, of course, she was looking into his head. 

"And how does he make you feel?"

"Happy."

And who was Remus to deny himself happiness?

Chapter Text

In the few hours since Remus woke up in the hospital wing, he’s learnt two very important things about himself.

1. He fancies Sirius Black, like a proper full-on crush that he’s been burying inside him for way too long. But now that he knows he can't ignore it. He feels buzzed and he’s ready to walk up to Sirius and snog his face off.

And,

2. He’s an incredibly jealous individual. So jealous in fact, that he thinks he’ll probably end up in detention for the rest of the month if he does the first thing on his mind.

The first thing on his mind is hexing a certain brunette Hufflepuff who is currently snogging the bloke that Remus should be snogging right now.

The only thing on the planet stopping him from pulling out his wand and enlarging her teeth is the unfortunate realisation that he's left his wand in his dorm. He must have dropped it when he was running to stop James and—OH shit. James. 

He wants to go to James right now but for some reason, his legs won't cooperate, he's been frozen on the top step just staring at the two for way too long. It's creepy at this point, but it's Sirius... kissing someone who isn't him. 

He's an idiot, a massive idiot. Why did it take him so long to get his idiotic mind around the idea that he could be with Sirius? He just wants to stand in front of him and the Hufflepuff and shout "I'm so sorry, I want to be with you, I don't know why it took me so long to realise that but I want you." He can't though, can he? Because, despite everything, he wants Sirius to be happy. And if his happiness is found in the form of a tall Hufflepuff with an impossible-to-remember name then Remus can't take away Sirius's happiness. If Sirius is happy that's enough for Remus, even if his entire being is screaming against it. 

He has two options right now, sneak past the two and potentially risk disturbing the snogfest (which wouldn't be the worst idea, he really hates seeing them together) or find James and potentially risk getting hexed by Regulus. It's sort of funny that just 10 minutes ago he was certain that he's finally made life easier on himself by admitting he fancies Sirius but in reality, he's made everything so much worse. 

Luckily, he doesn't have to make a choice because James collides into his back, "Oh! Shit, sorry! Didn't see you there, what're you doing just stan—OI! Sirius! No snogging in the halls! Detach yourself from her lips or I'll give you both detention!" he teases, James has been a prefect since the beginning of the year and not once has he given out detention to any of the boys... even when he really should have. 

"Oh piss off, Potter," Sirius mumbles without looking over, still attached to her lips. He knows an empty James Potter threat when he hears one. 

James chuckles and shrugs at Remus as if to say 'what can you do'. James pushes past Sirius and through the portrait hole, Remus takes the opportunity to follow inside. Once they're inside the common room he finally stops to notice James's appearance. His hair is messy, not typical James Potter messy but more like someone has been playing and pulling on it. Could be innocent. The buttons on his shirt are done up wrong and his tie is askew. Could be innocent. His glasses have smudges on them as if someone has been nudging up against them. Could be innocent. His neck has a dark red spot on it, okay... that's not innocent. For fuck's sake. 

"Remus? You're staring mate." Remus doesn't reply, he grabs his arm and drags him up the stairs and into the dorm. "Christ! What's your problem?!" James pulls his arm from his grip once they're in the room. He finds that he did drop his wand by the door so he scoops it up and places a silencing charm and a locking charm on the room. Remus loves James and he doesn't think he could ever live with himself if Sirius decided to up and murder him, which he definitely would if he found out that James was shagging his brother. "Remus?!"

He grabs the map from his robes and drops it into James's hands, James looks up at him with a raised eyebrow, "Regulus." Remus states, just to see James's reaction. And man, does he ever get a reaction. First James's eyes widen, he doesn't think it's possible for eyes to bludge the way James's do. Then James's mouth drops open and he looks like he's about to say something but the only thing that comes out of his mouth is a sharp inhale. His face pales and Remus notices now that his hands are shaking while holding the map, his knuckles have turned white as he grips the map so tight that he's scared James is going to rip it in half, he pulls the map out of his hands and tosses it onto his bed. 

"Why—What about Regulus?" James finally stutters out, his voice is high and unsteady. Remus feels bad for causing this reaction, James is sweating, and his forehead has beads of sweat dropping down towards his eyebrows. Christ. 

"Maybe just sit down?" Remus reaches out and grabs him, he's afraid that James might collapse. James willingly is guided and sits down on his chest. "I saw you and Regulus on the map. Listen, James, I don't want to come to any conclusions, right... and stop me if I'm out of line but—"

"Don't tell Sirius!" James blurts out, "Please Remus, I know it's awful to hide this from him but Reggie and I... it's new and we don't want Sirius to know yet, not until we figure everything out. Please, Remus."

This first thought, Lily. Poor Lily, she was just starting to fall for him, what an ironic turn of events. Now it'll be Lily chasing after James, who definitely doesn't want to be chased by anyone other than Regulus. Ah fuck. Once again he asks himself, why did it have to be Remus?! Why did he have to be right about this? 

"You... and... Regulus? You and Regulus. Oh, fuck James, why Regulus?! Why not literally anyone else in this entire castle!?"

"I—I don't know how to explain it, he's just—everything about him, he's... he's so funny and kind and he's got such a caring heart. And he's—" James cuts himself off by laughing, he runs his fingers through his hair, "—he's so mean. I know that sounds ridiculous. There's something about it when he says something snippy to me that just makes me laugh and feel warm inside. He's special Remus, I feel so lucky that he wants me, I thought it'd be like Lily, she didn't want me but when I started to feel things for Reg he reciprocated... it was mindblowing, he's mind-blowing..." James takes a deep breath and then his eyes widen again, "shit, um... I guess I don't need to tell you but I um, I like blokes and well I like both." 

James Potter likes both... he didn't even know that was an option, Remus thought it was always one or the other but both, huh. Well, he knows for sure now that he fancies blokes or at least one bloke in particular. He can't say for certain that he's ever been that attracted to girls, they're pretty, sure but he can't think of one that he's been mental about. 

James is looking at him, studying his face worryingly, probably trying to get a hint of what Remus thinks of James being gay—or half gay...? There's probably a term for it. Remus runs his fingers through his hair and sits down beside James. "Thank you, thank you for telling me. I know it's not easy to admit that sort of thing, to yourself let alone to others. I—" He's not going to tell him... is he? James can tell something is on his mind, James and his ridiculous sixth sense. 

"You know Moony, you can tell me anything. Anything at all, I would never ever judge you. Christ, you're a werewolf! Can't surprise me anymore after that." James jokes and nudges his shoulder, he gives a reassuring squeeze to his knee. 

But he can't admit it, not just yet. Not because he doesn't think James will be supportive, he knows for a fact he would because James is a living angel. He can't admit it because he and Sirius won't ever happen, it was ridiculous to ever think it was possible. So he changes the subject, this is about him and Regulus after all. "Would things change if I told you that Lily fancies you?"

James stills, leaving the hand on his knee. Remus almost winces in pain as James's grip tightens. "She does?"

"Yes." 

"Oh, christ." He releases his iron grip on Remus's knee to take off his glasses and lets out a long exhale, "no." He finally says, "no, I—Lily is my friend. I love her with all my heart but not like that, not anymore. It's Regulus for me, Moony. It's him." 

"James... this isn't going to end well for you."

"It will be okay, I—Sirius wants me to be happy, more than anything."

"Not more than anything mate, this is his little brother we're talking about."

"I'll figure it out, okay? I just need tim—"

James is interrupted by Sirius shouting through the door, "Oi! Why is this locked?! Let me in you big numpties!"

He freezes and looks at Remus pleadingly, "please don't tell Sirius. I'll tell him, I just need time. Please."

"Fine, but I won't lie to him. If he asks, I won't lie."

"Fair enough." Although, it doesn't seem fair. It's James's secret to tell, Remus has no right knowing let alone telling, but he can't lie to Sirius. 

"Open this door or I'll blast it open!" Sirius threatens. 

Remus rolls his eyes and removes the charms, Sirius falls as he bursts the door and lands on the ground, he pulls himself up gracefully and watches at the two of them sitting together for a beat then finally speaks, "what's this then? Gossiping about me, are you?"

"Not everything is about you, Sirius." Remus snaps at him, still fuming about the Hufflepuff. And he's just realised that he's already lied to Sirius, despite telling James that he wouldn't. His loyalty for James runs far too deep, or maybe it's just a survival instinct—Remus doesn't want to be anywhere near Sirius when he finds out. 

"Oooh, touchy." Sirius smirks playfully, eyes bouncing mischievously from James to Remus, "were you two snogging?"

"For fuck's sake. You're a dickhead." Remus groans and shares an annoyed look with James. 

"Right, I've got to get to Transfiguration on time or Minnie will have my head." James pulls himself up from the bed and gives Remus a thankful smile, he smiles back. James quickly collects his stuff and pats Sirius on the back as he leaves.

Remus stares at Sirius, he can't help but feel utter disgust when he looks at him. Disgust that he let some Hufflepuff (god, he really needs to remember her name) snog him, disgust that he was snogging back. He actually wants to yell at him, tell him that he's a complete tosser but he doesn’t get the opportunity to bring it up because Sirius lets out a loud sigh and matches Remus's stare with his eyebrow quirked, “what now? What have I done to piss you off this time?”

“Nothing,” he lies because it’s so much easier than saying how fucking pissed he is at him for kissing someone who isn’t him. Because telling him that isn't fair, is it? Sirius has moved on, he has every right to because Remus has told him time and time again that he didn't reciprocate his feelings. How was Remus supposed to know that he would change his mind??

"You're the worst liar," Sirius states with a sigh, clearly not in the mood to argue. Which pisses Remus off even further, was he so disinterested in Remus now that they couldn't even argue anymore??

"What's that bird's name you were getting off with?"

"What? Why? You know her name."

"What's her name??" 

"Ruby."

Pfft, Ruby. What a stupid fucking name, no wonder he keeps forgetting it. "Ruby." He spits the name out like venom, it tastes awful on his tongue. He doesn't think he'll forget her name this time, not with the memory of how easily it rolls out of Sirius's mouth. Ruby. "So, you're shagging her then? When did that happen? You were just going to screw her secretly and not tell any of us?!"

"Remus, what the fuck are you on about? She gave me a peck."

"I saw! That wasn't a peck! Don't fucking lie, at least be honest and admit it."

"Christ, woke up on the wrong side of the shack today, huh?" 

Fucking prick. Remus scowls at him and stands up, using his height to tower over Sirius, "I want you the fuck out of my sight, piss off and go back to snogging Ruby."

Sirius doesn't back down, instead, he stands tall (still not taller than Remus, for obvious reasons) and raises his voice, "Why do you care?!" 

"I don't!"

"Obviously you do, so spit it out. What's the issue?!"

"There's no fucking issue!"

They're both shouting now, the anger feels electric almost like if you reach out and touch it you would get a shock, and it feels so good. Remus is almost certain Sirius can feel it too because through the raised voices he can see a flicker of excitement, there's a twitch of amusement on his lips. 

"Clearly there's an issue," Sirius counters, "don't approve of Ruby? Honestly mate, I couldn't give a single fuck about your approval."

"I don't give a shit about your relationship with... Ruby." Remus spits out again, he really hates that name and the person attached to it. Stupid, tall, brunette, pretty and dainty, a ridiculous ball of energy that is obsessed with Sirius. She probably would never argue with him, jokes on her though, Sirius loves a good argument, he'd get bored of her quick. He deserves more than that. 

"What is it then? If you don't care then what? Are you jealous, Moony?" Sirius teases, clearly not anticipating Remus's response. 

“Of course, I'm fucking jealous, you stupid prick!” He clamps his mouth shut. Ah fuck, he shouldn't have said that, why did he say that?? Shit, that was so embarrassing. He can feel the tips of his ears getting red while Sirius is looking at him, shocked. 

"You..." Sirius lowers his voice to barely a whisper. "You're jealous?"

Remus doesn't reply because shit, he can't admit it now. Things are more complicated than they were this morning, mainly Sirius has Ruby now. "I have to get to class," he says because he does. He doesn't want detention but more importantly, he doesn't want to face rejection. 

"Remus, wait!" Sirius shouts at his back as Remus heads for the door, he doesn't stop when he realises he hasn't picked up any of his class supplies. "Remus!" Sirius repeats, he rushes toward Remus and grabs his arm, pulling him to a stop and forcing them to face each other. 

"Let go!" Remus struggles against his grip, fuck, when did Sirius get so strong?

"No, tell me why you're jealous. Tell me." 

"I shouldn't have said that. I—I didn't mean it."

"Yes, you did."

It registers with Remus that Sirius didn't get strong all of a sudden, he could pull away easily... if he wanted to, and he really doesn't want to. Sirius's hand is warm and delicate but firm. 

"I fucking hate Ruby," Remus admits, staring down at the ground, "I hate her and I hate her lips, I hate that they get to kiss you. I envy her, she gets you and I don't. She didn't hesitate when she wanted you, and I did." The words sort of spilled out of him, to be honest, he wasn't even sure if he was making any sense. But when he looks at Sirius he knows he made sense to him, Sirius's eyes are wide and searching his face, they stop abruptly to focus on his lips. His lips part slightly and Remus can tell he's thinking, hard. He desperately wants to know what he's thinking, Remus just knows it's going to be brilliant.  

"I'm sorry I didn't ask before but I'm asking now," Sirius speaks slowly, lifting his hand to curl his finger around a strand of Remus's hair. "Can I kiss you?"

He was right, it was brilliant.

"Yes," Remus says without hesitation, moving closer, they're close enough that he can feel Sirius exhale. 

It feels like an eternity before Sirius finally closes the space between them, that instant everything starts to spin and he has to wrap his arms around Sirius's neck to keep him from collapsing at the knees. There is no doubt in his mind that if Sirius didn't press him against the door, pushing their hips together, then Remus would be on the floor, he was physically incapable of holding himself up. Thank god for Sirius Black and his hips, oh god, his hips. He won't lie, he hasn't thought about Sirius's hips many times in his life but at this moment he cannot think of anything else, because fuck they are perfect. He's melting against Sirius and his lips, those lips, how could he have pulled away from them all those weeks ago? One thing is for sure and that is Remus Lupin will never pull away from this kiss. Never. Sirius will have to be the one to do it or else the two of them will grow old and die attached at the lips. 

The kiss deepens and Remus's brain shuts off, so he can't tell who introduced tongue into the mix but whichever one of them did he's beyond grateful. Sirius's grip tightens in Remus's hair which makes a quiet moan fall out of Remus's mouth and into Sirius's. The reaction that comes from Sirius is almost feral, first, he releases a groan that almost sounds like a warning for what he does next, which is to arch into him and roll his hips slowly. God, Remus cannot be blamed for the obscene moan that comes from him.

In an unfortunate turn of events, Sirius pulls his lips away and it's pathetic the whimper Remus releases because why?? He's about to protest when he feels a banging on his back, someone banging and rattling the handle of the door that Remus is currently pressed to. 

"Hellooo? I need my books! I'm late!!" It's Peter, he stops himself from telling him to fuck right off when he sees, much to Remus's disappointment, Sirius step back from him. Remus lets out a sigh before moving too. Peter pushes into the room and glares at them, "Were you holding the door shut?" 

"Er yeah, something like that." Sirius chuckles while shaking his head. "Any luck with Dorcas?" He asks, changing the subject. 

Remus covers his face with his hands and scrubs them up and down. He was certain his face was as flushed as Sirius's, thank god for his distraction because Peter doesn't seem to notice either of them while he goes into a full-blown rant about Dorcas which Remus does not care about nor does he listen to. 

"Anyways, that's enough about Dorcas, I need to get class." Peter heads to the door after picking up his books, he turns to the two of them. "Coming?"

Sirius and Remus share a questioning look, Sirius's eyebrow quirks and he bites his lip. Oh, that's unfair. It's pretty much a guarantee with the state that Sirius has put him in that he would be very willing to skip all of their classes and miss every meal just to be pushed up against the wall for the rest of the day. But they've been caught now, well almost, possibly way too close to being caught and it would just be suspicious now if they didn't leave with Peter. 

"Yeah, we're coming." Remus decides, he collects his things and leaves, ignoring the groan of protest from Sirius. 

***

It's true what they say about how time flies when you're having fun, through days and nights with Sirius filled with secretive rendezvous and silencing charms time does in fact fly by. 

The December full moon comes and goes, they find the Quintaped again and the pack once again has to stop the wolf from killing it. That thing is dangerous, Remus knows it and the wolf knows it. Remus explains afterwards that they have to tell someone, at the very least Hagrid, the thing eats humans for Christ's sake! But they didn't agree, James argued that there are numerous amounts of creatures in the forest that could eat humans and nobody has dealt with them yet, clearly not a pressing matter. Peter expresses the danger of explaining how they know about the Quintaped and risk getting caught. Sirius states plain and simple that if someone ignores the Forbidden part of the Forbidden Forest, then perhaps they deserved to get eaten... as if he doesn't wander in every chance he gets. All in all, nobody says anything to anyone about the Quintaped and Remus just prays that next time they let the wolf kill the thing because it gives him the creeps.

By the time the Christmas holidays are on their way, Remus is surprised to find himself not wanting to go home. He usually cannot wait to go home and see his mum. He genuinely hates the thought of leaving Sirius for two weeks, clingy much? Sirius hasn't expressed it either but he knows he'll miss him too. Sirius can't get enough of Remus. The secretive touches that used to freak him out, drive him wild now. It's not enough for Sirius to tap him on the waist as they pass in the corridors, now they have to throw themselves in the closest empty space and snog the living daylights out of each other.  

It's just kissing, brilliant, indescribable kissing but still just kissing nonetheless. There are occasional touches that are less than innocent but they haven't gone any further, and he's okay with that. He suspects that Sirius doesn't want to push him, Remus can't help but think that they have the rest of their lives to explore each other, what's the rush? Even if the more impulsive part of his brain is screaming at him to shag the hell out of him and never stop. 

"I'll write to you every day," Sirius promises the night before the break. It's late and they're laying in his bed, wrapped in each other's arms. He likes this, a lot, being able to fall asleep next to Sirius. Remus sleeps on the right side of the bed, and Sirius prefers the left side. Remus would never admit it out loud (because it's quite embarrassing) but he thinks that all this time he was waiting for Sirius to fill his bed, the left side was made for him. 

"Every day? Seems like a bit much, what could you possibly say every day?"

"Mm, you know me, I can talk for ages."

Remus hums in agreement and places a kiss on his temple, "you do love the sound of your own voice."

Sirius can't deny that, he doesn't even try. "How about every other day then?"

"How about every weekend?" Remus counters. 

"How about every third day?" 

"Final offer, every time you want to tell me something." 

"Oh, Moony, what a ridiculous counter-offer. I literally want to tell you something every second of every day. The Potter's owl would die from exhaustion."

Remus laughs and pulls Sirius in for a short but sweet kiss, "You're a fool." 

Sirius props himself up on his elbows and places his cheeks in his hands, staring up at Remus while batting his eyelashes. "Only for you." He lets out a long dramatic sigh then drops his hands and rests his head on Remus's chest. "I'll send you as many letters as I damn well please, and you will be thankful."

And he's right, of course.

The train home is long and stuffy, it's full to the brim of bodies and sweets. There was a time when it was just the four of them comfortably seated in the carriage but these days there are enough people in here for it to be considered a safety hazard. Lily brings Mary and Marlene, surprisingly Marlene brings Dorcas (good for her), the Hufflepuff shows up for some reason (her name is gone, again... oops?), and apparently, Mary has an admirer, a seventh-year Slytherin who forces himself into the carriage and tries to chat her up (rather pathetically) for the whole trip.

So like he said, stuffy. 

Despite James's invitation to the Potters, Remus decides it's for the best to go home and visit his mum, he misses her and it would be the perfect two weeks to get Sirius out of his head. He needs to at this point, his brain is solely focused on the gorgeous black-haired boy sitting across from him, he's barely cracked a book in weeks, not that he's complaining—well okay, he is but only because he really misses reading and Sirius can be incredibly enticing. Their ankles bump and Remus feels himself turn into a puddle, they hardly touched and Remus is genuinely contemplating pulling Sirius into an empty carriage. Yeah, he needs this holiday. 

"Oh Siri, you must visit me, I'll miss you terribly." The Hufflepuff gushes, her cheeks are pink.  

James bursts out laughing, "Siri??" And he god, does he love James because everyone starts laughing, teasing Sirius about the nickname but Remus is laughing for another reason. Sirius is his, no amount of invites and gross nicknames will change that. 

"Alright shut it," Sirius snaps at the carriage, and the laughter dies down... eventually. It really is an awful nickname. Everyone goes back to chatting with each other and Remus stares out the window, pretending not to eavesdrop. "Ruby," right, Ruby. “Thank you for the offer but I'll be rather busy with my family." That warms Remus, to hear the Potters be referred to as his family, they'd say the exact about Sirius. 

"Can't spare a single day for your girlfriend?" 

What? WHAT? Remus must have heard that wrong, he almost falls off the bench in shock. He quickly corrects himself before darting his attention to the pair.

"Er, you're not my girlfriend?" Sirius scratches the back of his neck, looking beyond confused. 

"I'm not you're... yes, I am. Last month, you kissed me and called me gorgeous!" Ruby says defensively.

"That doesn't make you my girlfriend."

"What does it make me then?!" She's getting louder, the carriage is getting quiet. All attention is on them now.

"Uhm..." Sirius clears his throat, "nothing. A girl that I kissed?" Sirius offers, he hears James groan and someone slap their forehead. 

"Sirius Black!" She shrieks as she stands up, "you are the most pathetic, horrible man I have ever had the displeasure of meeting!" She turns around before she leaves and glares daggers at him, "it's true, what they say about the Black family." She hisses and slams the door on the way out. 

Christ. 

It's eerily quiet for a long time, Remus watches Sirius. He's slumped down in his spot, looking down at his lap. He looks upset, Sirius does everything in his ability to be the opposite of his family and to have his name thrown at him like it's a foul insult is a reminder that he will never escape them. Sirius carries his last name like a burden, he always will and it's heavy. Oh, Remus will be spending his Christmas thinking of revenge, Ruby will regret saying that.

Remus jumps at the sudden bark of laughter that Sirius releases, "Well, guess I'm on the naughty list this year!" He claps his hands together and sits up, nobody laughs. "Oh lighten up, you're a bunch of right downers!" He nudges Peter and Peter looks like he wants to disappear, he gives him a weak smile and Sirius rolls his eyes. "She's mental that one, snogged her once and she thinks she's the center of my world. Takes a least two kisses for that." Sirius bumps Remus's ankle and wiggles his eyebrows, Remus laughs. 

Everyone went back to chatting normally after James gave Sirius a long scolding about not playing with a woman's heart, Sirius smirked at Remus a few times. Lily listened fondly to the entire rant, Remus can’t be sure but when he notices Lily whispering to Mary (presumably about James), he thinks her eyes were basically hearts by the end of it. 

Once they arrived at King's Cross everyone gave quick goodbyes and went on their ways to embrace their parents and start their holiday, Remus's mum doesn't show up to collect him and he can't help but think how much he misses Sirius, already. 

Chapter Text

Sirius Black is a man of his word, so when he says he'll write Remus, he means it. It's barely the afternoon when an owl swoops in and lands on the kitchen table, his mum screams and curses wizards with their filthy birds. After asking the owl to wait, he immediately runs upstairs and rips the letter open. 

Moony,

My heart bleeds when I am not with you, what I wouldn't give to have you in my arms, and blah, blah, all that cheesy stuff. 

I do miss you though. 

What's new? Tell me about your day.

Please don't be pissed about Ruby, I barely have talked to her since that lovely day when you declared your undying affection for me. 

Jealousy is hot on you, so you know what, I take that back, be pissed.

Write me as soon as you get this, Hoot will wait. I've instructed her because I know you'll be desperate to write me back.  

Yours,

Sirius Orion Black

P.S. Did you see the way Dorcas was eyeing up Marls on the train? Looks like you have some competition.

James named his family owl Hoot when he was 10, he adores the thing. Sometimes he sends his parents letters with a Hogwarts owl with strict instructions to send Hoot back just so he can see her. Remus re-reads the letter then rolls his eyes, grabs a pen and quickly writes on a piece of paper. 

Padfoot,

You're a prick.

Sincerely,

Your annoyed friend. 

He chuckles, knowing the brief response will irritate the hell out of Sirius, he runs back down and attaches the letter to Hoot, gives her a treat and sends her off. 

Hope leans against the counter with her arms crossed, eyeing the owl as it flies off. "I'm serious about those owls, love. I don't want it messing in the house." 

"She's trained mum! Sirius might actually send a letter a day, you'll have to get used to her."

"It's almost like you two haven't spent every waking day together for the past few months." She tuts and goes back to cooking. 

Lunch is delicious, Hogwarts meals are rubbish compared to Hope Lupin's cooking. He truly missed this, lunch is tomato soup with cheese toasties, it's simple but it's the best thing he's tasted in a long time. He's almost completely convinced that she's a witch solely on her culinary skills, nobody cooks like her even with magic. 

"Oh for heaven's sake!" Hope says exasperated. Remus looks up from his lovely soup to see Hoot in front of him, he grins and takes the letter.

Moony,

I will never leave you alone if you reply like that. Got it?

I want REAL responses, if you were here I would pinch you and then snog your prick face off for that. 

Remus gasps and shoves the letter in his pocket quickly. The idiot. What if his mum read that!? He'll have to finish reading it in private.

"Everything alright, love?"

"Yeah, just my friend being a dickhead."

"Language, Remus!"

"Sorry mum," he mumbles while slurping the rest of his soup, Hope shakes her head and tells him to slow down. Hoot pecks at his fingers and he swats his hand in the air in front of her, "go on then, I'm not responding to this." Hoot ignores him, she's as persistent as Sirius. "Thanks for lunch mum!" He jumps up and kisses her cheek, puts his dishes in the sink and heads up to his room to read the rest of the letter. 

Anyways, Prongs says hi.

We're both pretty bummed, we thought we would have Wormtail for Christmas but his parents surprised him with a trip to Canada.

We don't get you and we don't get Wormy, why does father Christmas hate us?

Respond properly.

Yours, 

Sirius Orion Black

Remus can't help but smile at 'yours', he really is his. In every way now. He's tempted to not respond, but he has a feeling Hoot won't leave and his mum will cook her for dinner.

Sirius, 

I really did mean it when I said you were a prick. But fine, real response.

It's been about four hours since I left you lot at Kings Cross, so nothing's new. 

I had to take the Knight Bus home, my mum didn't come. She said she got caught up at work but I have a feeling she's scared to run through the barrier alone, can't blame her. 

The Knight Bus is as awful as always, remember the time we rode on the roof? I'll never forget that. Stupidest thing we've ever done, we really are a bunch of idiots. Poor Peter vomited everywhere after. Pretty sure if Pete didn't vomit then you and James would take it again, madness. 

Anyways, please do not force Hoot to stay, believe me when I say my mum will hit her with a broom. I'll ask her to stay if I want to respond. 

Sincerely,

R.J.L

P.S. Regarding your first letter, 

Do not write to me about Ruby, I don't want to have to think about her while I'm on holiday.

Remus chews on his pen, trying to decide if he should leave the postscript in. It's true, Sirius mentioning her makes him want to rip up the letter and burn it. But it looks a little pathetic, doesn't it? On the other hand, Sirius did say his jealousy was hot and that does make Remus blush from head to toe. So, he decides to leave it in.

He sends the letter off and helps his mum with the dishes. Sirius doesn't send another letter until the next evening.

Dearest Moony,

I fondly remember that day we rode the Knight Bus, oh what a time. I remember hearing the most filthy words coming from that beautiful mouth of yours. 

I'm sorry for mentioning She Who Shall Not Be Named. I'm going to call her that now, that's good. Anyways, I won't do it again. Oh Moony, you really made my day with your jealousy. Thank you.

You'll be sorry for missing out on today, James and I were playing quidditch and were messing around doing some broom switching, we are usually fantastic at this, as I'm sure you can recall. The prat dropped his glasses and missed my broom so I swooped in to catch him and he accidentally(??) pushed me off my broom!! 

I BROKE MY ARM MOONY.

It's in a sling now, doesn't hurt a bit thanks to Effie, so don't be worried. I know you're worried. I also know that you probably wish you were here to see it, you sick bastard.

It should be all healed up by tomorrow morning.

I didn't tell the owl to wait but that doesn't mean I don't want to hear from you. 

I miss you.

Yours,

Sirius Orion Black

P.S. it was adorable seeing R.J.L in your last letter. I don't know why, and I also want to frame it??

P.P.S. I sent a photo of James and me after the incident.

Remus pulls the photo out of the envelope and instantly starts to laugh. James's glasses are broken in half, the glass is cracked but he's still got them balanced on his nose, he's propped up with one arm against his broom and his other arm wrapped around Sirius's shoulder. Sirius's face is bright red as if he had been crying (he definitely was, poor bloke) and he's holding up his broken arm with his other hand giving the thumbs up. They both have ridiculously large grins on their faces, the photo moves and they both burst out into laughter. 

Sirius, 

Do I really have to start every one of my letters with an insult? because I feel like I do so,

You are an idiot. You know what, so is James. You're lucky it was just your arm!!

Who took this photo?? Was it Monty? I can't imagine Effie stopping to capture a photo before healing you. 

Thank you for the picture. You're right, I wish I was there to witness that but this is the next best thing. 

Not that you asked but today my mum and I set up the Christmas tree. She always waits for me to do it, bless her heart. 

She asked about you today, she wants to know if you want to visit during summer. You don't have to, of course, but know that you are welcome here. James and Peter too.

I miss you too. 

Sincerely,

Remus Lupin

Remus leaves his Christmas shopping until the day before Christmas Eve. After a long trip to the shops in search of presents, he returns home with a bag full of gifts for his friends, the Potters, and mum.

For James, he found a small sign that has a black deer with 'deer crossing' written on it, Remus had to buy it. He went to a record shop in search of some records for himself when he came across Arrival by ABBA, he bought it along with a couple of others for himself. James Fleamount Potter loves ABBA but won't admit it, Remus walked into him once listening to ABBA with Mary, they didn't notice him, he heard James declare it the best record of all time (complete over-exaggeration) and Remus had to run out of the room while holding in his laughter. Remus would never share this secret, so he wraps it and writes on the front 'open in private, private means no Sirius.'

For Peter, he bought a forest green leatherbound journal because Peter enjoys to journal, when he goes to bed he writes his whole day in his journal and Peter told Remus once that he writes secrets in there. Peter is the best at keeping secrets, Remus suspects it's because he tells his journal everything so he's not tempted to tell anyone else. He hopes Peter never runs out of journals, who knows what he'd tell. Remus bought a pack of pens for Peter too, he let Peter borrow one of his pens once and Peter fell in love. At one point he even went to Professor McGonagall to argue that students should be using pens instead of quills.

It was hard to shop for Sirius, it always is. It's sort of silly because you could give Sirius a rock and he'd treasure it. Eventually, he found a book on motorbikes and it's perfect, Sirius Black would absolutely adore motorbikes. He slightly regrets the purchase purely on the fact that Sirius will obsess over them until he gets one, who is he kidding? He'll talk about them until the day he dies. The last thing he bought was more of a gift for himself than for Sirius, a pair of fingerless leather gloves. He just had to see Sirius wear them. 

He gets a few things for Lily, Mary, and Marlene too. He finds a beautiful steel locket for Lily which has a lily engraved on it, he wanted to buy the gold one but couldn't afford it and he couldn't buy the silver one, for obvious reasons. He buys Mary a guide on fashion design because he's heard her express her hatred for wizard robes on numerous occasions, he told her she should become a fashion designer and bring in a mixture of muggle fashion into the wizarding world, she loved that idea. He couldn't stop himself from buying Marlene a mug that says 'world best girlfriend', she'll think it's hilarious. He also picks her up some watercolours and brushes, she's a brilliant artist. 

After he finishes wrapping everything he is delighted to see Hoot on his window sill, he opens the letter attached to her, only slightly disappointed not to see a picture in the envelope. The picture of Sirius and James is propped up on his bedside table, he wants to make a photo album with photos of all his friends one day. 

Dear R.J.L,

I'm offended you didn't sign off as R.J.L, I swear you do these things to get under my skin. 

You're right, it was Monty, he laughed as much as we did, maybe more. Effie was indeed horrified but laughed eventually. 

My arm is healed now, and we tried broom switching again, this time James wore his goggles and we were successful! No broken limbs.

Honestly, how do muggles do it? If you broke your arm at home, your mum can't heal you and you'd be an invalid until you got back to Hogwarts.

Don't break your arm, please.

We went shopping for gifts today and might I just say, you're going to love your gift.  

Moony, I miss your lips. James just can't kiss as well as you (I'm joking, I can feel your jealousy from here. Hot). 

OBVIOUSLY, I WILL BE VISITING YOU THIS SUMMER. I can barely go two weeks without you, do you really think I could last two months?! Your mum is an angel, truthfully I just want to visit so I can see her. 

Yours, 

Sirius Orion Black

Dear S.O.B,

I didn't think I would need to point this out to you, but I'm an invalid at all times. Hello, werewolf here. 

There is no chance of arm breaking, all I've been doing is reading. It's been great, I can finally get through a book without being bothered.

Don't oversell your gift, I'm incredibly hard to please. I certainly won't oversell mine, expect to be disappointed. 

In all honestly, it would make sense if you and James snogged. You're attached at the hip, might as well be attached at this lips too. I feel obligated to tell you I'm joking, please don't kiss Prongs, I'll vomit and then kill both of you. 

I just realised something and you're going to love it. Your initials S.O.B, stand for son of a bitch. How perfect is that? You are literally the son of a bitch. How have we not seen this before? 

Might as well count that as one of your presents. You're welcome. 

Sincerely,

R.J.L

He's surprised when he gets a second letter later that evening, he hasn't got two letters in one day since the first day. 

Moony, 

I mean it when I say you are the most extraordinary person on this planet.

HOW HAVE WE NOT SEEN THIS BEFORE?! SON OF A BITCH, OH I LOVE IT. I WISH I COULD SNOG YOU.

You’ll never guess what I did Moony, guess, guess. Oh wait, I genuinely waited for you to guess. That’s embarrassing. Someone needs to invent letters that you can respond to instantly… like if I wrote hi on my parchment, it would appear on your parchment and if you wrote hi on yours, it would appear on mine. That’s good, we should invent that. Call it instant letters, or something more creative, we'll work on the name. Imagine the mischief we could get up to! It’s like those muggle talking devices but on paper, do you get what I mean??! I’m telling James about this right now. 

I told James, he loves it. He’s doing research on wizard communication as I write this. We’ll probably need your brilliant mind though. 

Anyways, I wrote with the intention of telling you what I did today. 

I got a tattoo!!! Moony you’ll love it. James was the one giving the tattoo, it hurt like shit and he was drunk. James is no artist, I’ll tell you that for free. He picked it, it’s a little star. Not very creative but I’ll give him points for accuracy. I won’t tell you where, you’ll have to explore my body to find it. Wink wink. 

Yours,  

Son of a bitch

P.S. I will be forcing you to get a tattoo and you are not allowed to say no. I want to give you a moon, be the moon to my star Remus, won’t you? 

Sirius,

Sometimes when I read your letters I feel like I'm getting a look into the inner workings of your brain. Everything really just bounces around in there, doesn't it? 

I will admit that sounds like a foolproof idea. Of course, owls would become obsolete but I imagine older wizards wouldn't change their familiar ways of communication so the owls would still be used by them. I like it, a lot. I will help. 

Now, I am fully intrigued by your tattoo. I want to see it, like this instant. Should have put me out of my misery and sent a photo. The hols are too long for you to keep me waiting like this!

I will not agree in writing to a tattoo, especially if it's given by a drunk James. I won't say no in writing either. So for now it's a maybe. 

I'm sending my gifts for you, James, and Peter with the owl. Please set aside Pete's for when he gets back, I have no idea how to get his gift to Canada. 

Sincerely,

R.J.L

Remus neatly ties the parcel together, with the gifts he bought for James's parents. A chemistry book for Monty, Remus once tried to explain to him how potions and chemistry were similar, Monty was confused but was interested nonetheless, hopefully, this will help him understand. And for Effie, The Princess Bride because he read it and instantly thought of Effie and Monty, Monty always says "as you wish, darling" when she asks him to do something.  

It would be so much easier if he could use spells outside of Hogwarts, he's worried Hoot won't be able to carry the parcel and wishes he could shrink it. But she carries them away with ease and he smiles, hoping everyone appreciates his gifts. 

Christmas morning he's woken up by Hoot pecking affectionately on his forehead, there's a parcel beside him and a letter. He sits up, petting Hoot while opening the letter.

MOONY, 

Happy Christmas!!! 

I wish you were here celebrating with us!! Wormtail too! He’ll be back before the end of the break and is going to visit us, so I will make sure to give him the gift from you. I’m a tiny bit envious of him, I bet Canada is beautiful at Christmas. Cold but beautiful (I really want to compare you to snow now but I know you’ll be grumpy about it and it's Christmas so I'll spare you). 

I was dragged out of bed at an unholy time to open presents, I will never understand how the Potters do it. Every one of them rises with the lark. 

James opened one of his gifts and burst out crying, I wish you were here to laugh with me so I didn’t look like an absolute twat. Do you know what he cried about?? A new broomstick for Christ's sake. Could he be any more predictable? I love the guy, I do. But he didn’t shed a SINGLE TEAR when I gave him my gift, which was a lovely simple, frame (expensive, mind you) with a picture of the four of us in first year. We were so cute and innocent, who knew that two of us would be snogging each other in just a few years, huh?

I also got him a carved enchanted stag which glows when danger is around, he didn’t cry. Went through all that effort!! Merlin, can’t please anyone these days. My goal for the rest of the break is to get him to cry now, wish me luck. 

Please cry when you open my gift, it’ll mean the world to me, Moony. 

Now, I suppose I've kept you waiting long enough. 

Remus John Lupin, my handsome friend, my Moony, words cannot express how much I love your present. But, you know me, love to talk so I will try. Some things in this world are meant to be, for example, the sun belongs in the sky, the moon belongs with the stars, flowers belong in the dirt, and Sirius Black belongs with motorbikes. Thank you so so much, Remus. I've already read this book twice!!! You've done it, Moony, you've got me to love reading!! And the leather gloves are glorious, I love them. James told me to write you thank you for his gifts, he laughed at the deer sign (confused his parents) and he opened his second gift in private (Secrets!!?) and told me to write how did you know and that he loves you and it. Effie and Monty both are excited to read their books, both of them expressed numerous times that they wish you would have come for the holidays. You are so loved, Remus. 

You really nailed it, I'm worried about my gift to you now. There's chocolate in the parcel but it is NOT for you, it's for your mum. Stay away from it. 

Happy Christmas, Remus.

Yours always,

Sirius Orion Black

P.S. Enclosed you’ll find a lovely little photo of Prongs and me, now before you look at it remember-Prongs and I are friends, not friends who snog, just simple platonic friends. Don’t be jealous (or do, because it’s hot. I believe I've said that once or twice). Along with another photo of me, that I think you'll like.

The first photo he pulls out is James and Sirius with tinsel around the top of their heads like crowns, they must have taken it this morning as they're both still in their pyjamas, James's are red with snowflakes on them and Sirius's are red flannel. James looks rather unimpressed as Sirius places a big wet kiss on his cheek, they're standing under a mistletoe, as the picture moves James starts to crack a smile and Sirius laughs against James's cheek. 

The second photo Remus pulls out is of just Sirius, and Sirius was right when he wrote that Remus would like it because he does. Sirius is sending his signature Sirius Black smirk, which alone makes Remus want to melt, as the photo moves Sirius lifts his hand into his hair... he's wearing the gloves. Oh my god. Remus takes a sharp inhale before setting down the photo to calm himself. Christ, those gloves were really just a gift for himself. He vaguely thinks, who took the photo? But that thought is quickly shoved away as he picks up the picture and stares at Sirius running his hand through his hair again, the gloves on display. Fuck. 

He collects both photos and sets them on his bedside table, it's best not to look at the gloves again if he wanted to get through the day with coherent thoughts. He pulls the parcel onto his lap and starts to unwrap it. The first gift is labelled from Euphemia and Fleamount Potter, the note on top of says that it's been shrunken in order for Hoot to carry it, it will enlarge by the end of the day, it's a bundle of books, all wizard authors. He's excited to read them, Effie and Monty always have the best reading recommendations.

He sets it aside and pulls out the gift from James, it's a beginner's guide to flying and quidditch, of bloody course, the man is a nuance. He laughs and flips through a few pages before throwing it to the end of the bed, he knows he'll have to actually go flying one day with James but he'll delay it as long as possible. It's not that he's a bad flyer, he's actually quite good, it's just that he hates it. Out of all the things wizards have invented, a broom that takes you into the air seems like the most volatile form of transportation. 

Sirius gets him a beautifully carved moonstone wolf, the wolf's head is thrown back as if it's howling. The note explains that it's enchanted and glows when there's danger, it's the same as James's. He assumes that Peter got a rat and hopes that Sirius bought a dog for himself, knowing Sirius he most likely didn't think about himself once when shopping, too focused on making his loved ones happy. Remus makes a mental note to find out if he got the dog, if he didn't Remus will buy it for him, Sirius deserves to be protected just as much as the rest of them. There's also a record, Hollies by The Hollies, upon future inspection he lets out a laugh, it's the record they listened to when Sirius first kissed him. 

He writes a brief reply, he can hear Hope moving around in the kitchen and he wants to help. He attaches the letter to Hoot and gives her a kiss on the top of her head, she pecks at him affectionately and flies away. 

Padfoot,

Happy Christmas!

I wish I was there too, I'm not even going to touch that snow metaphor, you're correct, I would be grumpy. 

Sorry about the early start, I know you'd rather shave your head than wake up before 7 am, oh the things one does for love (and presents). 

James is a big softie, of course he's going to cry over a broomstick. I'd expect nothing less. Give James a few days to get over the broom and he'll cry over your gift, I guarantee it. 

Do you know what else is meant to be? Sirius Black and the flair for the dramatic. I'm beyond ecstatic that you appreciate the gift, you're right, you do belong with motorbikes. I thought it was like they were made for you. And Sirius... that photo... that alone could have been my Christmas gift. Have I ever told you that you're fucking gorgeous? Look at me, giving you a compliment, in writing, it truly is a Christmas miracle. Tell James that I know everything, also that I love him too, his gift was... fruitful. As another gift to him, I'll make a weak promise to fly sometime with him. 

Thank you so much for your gifts, Padfoot, you put your whole heart into things and it shows. I really couldn't ask for anyone better than you. Let's listen to the album again, you can snog me all you want and I won't run away and act like a prick for a month, deal? 

Happy Christmas Sirius, 

I can't wait to see you, you have me wishing the hols were shorter. 

Christ, Christmas has really got me being soft, hasn't it??

Sincerely, 

R.J.L

The chocolate is tempting. He does want to steal it and pretend that they didn't send anything for Hope, but it's Christmas and she deserves chocolate... it's just, it's wizard chocolate and his mum will be wary of it at first... but it's Christmas, ugh. He brings down her gift (hopefully she'll share) and after breakfast they spend a warm day by the tree opening a few presents, laughing, telling stories about Hogwarts, and drinking hot cocoa.

At the end of the day, Remus walks outside and lays down in the grass, the ground is wet from the rain earlier but he doesn't mind. He searches the night sky and finds what he's looking for instantly. There are billions of stars out there and the one that shines the brightest just so happens to be named after the boy who shines the brightest. That star lights up the night as its namesake lights up Remus's world. There's no denying the warmth that blossoms in his chest whenever he looks at that star, he can't help the smile that forms on his lips when he realises that he feels such love for that star. Unshakeable, never-ending love for the star that guides him in his lonely, dark nights. He wishes to reach up to the sky and hold the star in the palm of his hand, take it from the sky and keep it for himself, Remus wants it to shine just for him. "Happy Christmas, Sirius." He whispers to the star, feeling content knowing that his Sirius is safe, happy and shining bright.  

Chapter Text

By the end of the hols, Remus has a stack of six letters and three pictures. Truthfully, he was expecting more and was disappointed when the letters stopped. His letter went unanswered after Christmas Day, Hoot stopped coming so Remus couldn't send Sirius letters. He went so far as to use muggle post but still didn't receive a response. 

Dear Sirius,

I haven't heard from you for a few days, did you finally do it? Did you exhaust Hoot to death?

Hopefully, this gets to you soon. I really need to get an owl of my own... although mum would never allow it. 

Never thought I'd admit it but I miss your letters, I think I might have been wrong when I said I didn't want you to write me every day because not hearing from you really blows. 

Hope to hear from you soon, I want to know if you managed to make James cry like you were planning. I also want to hear about how the instant letter research is going. 

Sincerely,

Remus Lupin

He doesn't get an answer, New Year's Eve comes and goes and he still doesn't get an answer. Remus expected a long drunken letter and photos of their celebration but there's nothing. And it unsettles him. Did he do something? Remus thinks back to his letters, did he say something wrong? Something that was too much? He remembers telling Sirius that he's gorgeous, was that too much? They haven't exactly defined their relationship, at this point it's just been friends who snog, so maybe calling him gorgeous was over the line. He's scared him away, oh, it was inevitable, wasn't it? It's only a matter of time until Remus drives everyone away, it's fitting that the first person to run is Sirius. 

Anxiety builds as he makes his way to Kings Cross, he doesn't say a word to Hope on the ride there, doesn't say a word as they walk through the station and only mutters a pathetic goodbye during their hug. He feels terrible about the goodbye once he's sat in the regular empty carriage, it will be months until he sees her again. She knew something was wrong, it was hard to hide his mood change once Sirius had gone radio silent. It was like all the brightness had seeped out of his life, it's those nights when it's too cloudy to see the stars, nothing is left except darkness. That's how Remus feels and he hates it. 

He knows he's being melodramatic but he can't help it. What's life without Sirius? He chooses not to remember a time before Hogwarts, moons locked in cages or basements, homeschooled because his father didn't want anyone seeing the scars on his body, sometimes a whole day could go by without a smile or even a word muttered to him, he was lonely and he never wants to feel like that again. 

The clouds start to slowly disappear when the carriage door opens and he's met with a big smile, Peter instantly plops himself beside him and gives him a big side hug. "Moony! Happy New Year!"

"Hiya Wormtail, how was Canada?" 

"Brilliant! Cold but brilliant! Here," he hands over a small wrapped gift. "Happy Christmas, sorry I couldn't get it to you on time. Oh, and thanks for my gift! I've already written in the journal, it's lovely." 

Remus opens his gift and smiles, it's a small bottle of syrup shaped like a maple leaf. He thanks Peter and they chat for a bit about Canada and Remus's break. They both look over when the carriage door rips open and James sits down without a word, just a sour face and his arms crossed.

"What's up, James?" Peter asks tentatively. James just grunts and looks out the window. "Where's Sirius?" Peter mumbles, poking his head out the carriage door and looking up and down the corridor. 

"I don't want to talk about it, alright? Don't expect Sirius to join us." James finally says without making eye contact with either of them.

"What? Why not?" Remus asks.

"Just don't!" James bursts out, looking at him with empty eyes. 

"I didn't hear from him after Christmas Day," Remus continues, "did I—Did something happen?"

James doesn't respond, Remus uses the silence to examine James further. Dark purple bags under his eyes which are so unfamiliar to James's face that it takes him aback, James is someone who demands a good sleep. He stares at the bags for a bit longer until it clicks, those aren't bags. 

"James? Did someone punch you...?" James doesn't respond again, he shifts in his seat and stares out the window. "Mate?" Remus asks softly.

"Is this about you and Regulus?" Peter asks bluntly, his head tilted.

"What?!" James sits up straight, staring at him in disbelief, "how—why would you say that?!"

"Oh, well I just assumed that Sirius found out, that's why he's not here and why you're all mopey," Peter says with a shrug.

"Found out... what?" James asks carefully. 

"Come off it James, there's no need to pretend. Remus knows it and so do I, you're shagging Regulus. Big surprise." He says sarcastically.

"How—what—what the fuck??"

"I've known for a while now actually, it's glaringly obvious. You haven't tried to woo Lily in weeks, you barely talk to her anymore really. You stare at Regulus like he's a god. I'm surprised Sirius hasn't figured it out yet, too busy snogging Remus to notice others people's drama I suppose." 

"What?!" James and Remus blurt out at the same time. 

"What?" Peter asks, genuinely confused by the outburst. 

"Sirius and Remus?!" 

"Shut it, Peter, you don't know what you're talking about," Remus warns. 

"Clearly I do, I was right about Regulus and James, wasn't I?" Remus glares at Peter, trying to signal for him to shut the hell up, but Peter does not take the hint. "I've known about you and Sirius since before Christmas. The morning after the full moon when I walked in on you guys, bet you thought you covered it up," Peter nudges him with his elbow. "Couldn't cover up those flustered faces." Peter laughs then stops when he looks at James, who looks completely lost. "Oh, you didn't know?"

James's eyes flick from Peter to Remus, back and forth as he runs his fingers through his hair, "You... and Sirius... snogging? Since before Christmas??" 

Remus groans and points to James's eye, changing the subject. "So, was that Sirius then? Did he actually find out? Did he punch you?!" 

"Yes. Reg sent me a letter on Christmas Day but didn't address it to me just in case Sirius saw. My mum saw that the Black family stamp and gave it to Sirius, thinking it was for him." James lets out a sigh. "He read the letter... it didn't go over well."

There's a wave of relief that follows James's explanation because thank god, Sirius wasn't angry with Remus. It wasn't his fault that he hadn't heard back from Sirius. The relief is partnered with guilt because, poor James. 

"So what, he just punched you and that's it?" Peter asks leaning over to poke at James's black eye. 

"Stop it—Ow—Peter!" James swats his hand away and Remus tries to stifle his laughter, laughing would not be appropriate in this situation. "He punched me, told me I was dead to him and hasn't spoken to me since," James says and slumps down in his spot. "I don't know where we go from here." He says quietly as if the idea of losing Sirius forever crushes his soul which to be fair, Remus completely understands. 

"That's bullshit," Peter states, being rather blunt again. "You two are best friends, who give a shit that you're shagging his brother? You—"

"Stop saying shagging, it's foul." James snaps at him. 

"Sorry." Peter waves his hand dismissively. "Anyways what I was saying, you should be allowed to be with whoever you want, Sirius doesn't have a claim to Regulus or you. You two need to talk this out, without fists and get on with it." 

Remus can't help thinking, thank god for Peter Pettigrew. He's making all the sense that Remus can't right now because 1. what the fuck, Sirius punched James?! and 2. Peter knows about him and Sirius... and he just told James, what the fuck?!

James scrubs under his eyes and Remus just noticed that he's crying, oh poor James. "I really fucked up guys, we—I don't think we're going to get past this. I knew I should have told him from the beginning, should've gotten his permission or something. I'm so fucking stupid. We care about each other though, it feels wrong to stop with Reg because Sirius doesn't like it but on the other hand, it feels wrong to continue because Sirius doesn't like it..." he let's out a loud groan of frustration. "Fuck." 

Fuck is right, James is screwed. 

"I'll talk to him," Remus promises, "I don't know if it'll help, honestly mate, I don't think much will help but I can try for you."

"Thank you." James does his best to give a smile but it ends up being a grimace, poor bloke.

They're quiet for a while, and Remus is thankful for it. Even more thankful that neither of them brought up him and Sirius, he's not quite ready for that conversation, especially now that he's not sure where he stands with Sirius. He should find him. Remus gets up and tells them he's going to use the bathroom, as he walks down the train corridors he peers into each carriage. There's no sign of Sirius, after 10 minutes of searching he returns to Peter and James. 

"James, did Sirius get on the train?" 

"'Course."

Once they arrive at Hogwarts, Remus looks for Sirius with no luck, the boys arrive at the common room and still no sign of Sirius, which makes Remus anxious. He rushes up to their dorm, no Sirius. Where is he?! 

Hours later Remus is alone in the dorm, Peter went off to the library, and James slipped out without a word, probably off to see Regulus, Sirius is still MIA. Remus's jumper contains two holes from nervously picking at the material. He doesn't even care because he's so focused on every scenario as to why Sirius hasn't been seen, okay he sort of does care about the holes but only because it was one of his favourites, nevertheless, he's worried about Sirius. He rolls his sleeves up in hopes to preserve his jumper when he hears squealing from the common room, Remus pulls himself off his bed to investigate only to be met with a bunch of students huddled around something. 

"What's with the noise?" He asks Mary, who is pressed up against a wall, far away from the group. 

"There's a fucking dog!! Who let a dog in here?! Fucking hate dogs, I do." Mary huffs, watching the group of Gryffindors coo presumably over a dog. "Was this you guys then? Big new year Marauders prank?" Mary hits his arm. Remus tries his best not to laugh at the irony, Mary hating dogs and hooking up with Sirius for over a year, it's too good. But his laugh dies in his throat when he realises... oh fuck, it's Sirius, isn't it??

"Yeah..." Remus eventually, "Marauders prank." He pushes past the crowd to be met with a big black dog, he sighs and rubs his temples. Fucking idiot. Remus snaps his finger at the dog—Padfoot and he whips his head over and lets out a low growl, Remus raises an eyebrow at him and he stops.

"Is it your dog?" A third-year asks while petting Padfoot's head, "What's its name?"

"Snuffles," Remus responds flatly, receiving another growl. He snaps his fingers again, "come." He orders and walks off back to the dorm ignoring Mary's threats to tell McGonagall if he doesn't get rid of it. Once they're in the dorm Remus turns to Padfoot and crosses his arms. "Change back," he orders, waiting. Padfoot disappears as Sirius appears, "are you fucking stupid?! Do you know how risky that is?!" 

"Snuffles, really?"

"It was the dumbest name for the biggest dumbass I know." 

Sirius snorts. "Nice one, Lupin." He says sarcastically. 

Remus watches Sirius for a moment, not even sure where to begin. He doesn't want to talk about Regulus and James but he has a feeling they won't be able to avoid it long. Sirius is angry, he's red in the face and looks like he wants to fight so Remus gives in, if Sirius wants a fight then he'll get one. "What's your problem?"

"I suspect you know already," Sirius narrows his eyes at him. "You should have told me. There's no fucking logical reason for you not to tell me."

"It wasn't my secret to tell." 

"Oh fuck you. It's my brother!! You had no right keeping it from me. James fucking my brother is not a secret you keep!!"

"Sirius, James would have told you when the time was right, he—"

"NO! No, don't you fucking tell me that he was trying to protect me, or that he was doing what he thought was right, or anything. Do you understand?!"

"Sirius—"

"No!" Sirius steps towards him and pushes his shoulder, "you can't be on James's side. I need you, you can't pick him over me! Fuck, Remus! It's not fair!" Sirius shouts and stomps his foot, rather petulantly. "You're supposed to be on my side! 

"I'm not picking anyone's side—there aren't any sides. We're all on the same one, you, me, Peter, James. We're all on the same side. Don't confuse James trying to consider your feelings with a lack of loyalty, James loves you and—"

"But he's not loyal, is he? If he was he wouldn't be shagging my brother!! He crawled into bed with a snake and came out a snake. Fucking James, I'll kill him." Sirius pushes on Remus's shoulder again and lets out a frustrated groan.

"Sirius! Let me talk, for fuck's sake! And stop pushing me!" Remus steps back out of Sirius's reach, he pinches the bridge of his nose and scrubs his face before dropping his hands, "look, I don't know how it happened but somehow James seems to really care about Regulus. I won't pretend I understand why, it's weird, came out of nowhere to us but I reckon they've been trying to figure themselves out for a while now. If they're daft enough to pick each other there must be a reason for it, yeah? Why not let James explain it to you? Give him a chance to explain."

Sirius glares at him, his mouth is pressed into a scowl and his hands are balled into fists, "I don't want to know why. I want him to stop. I want him to stay away from my brother and I want my fucking brother to stay far away from James." 

"You're being unreasonable, we should know better than anyone that you can't help who you love. Things happen, love is unpredictable. We certainly can't judge them for falling in love."

"Wait, love? Who said anything about love." 

Oh, shit. Did Remus just accidentally tell Sirius he loves him, oh fuck. Now is not the time to confess something like that, maybe Sirius won't notice. He's too focused on James and Regulus. 

"I—well I assume they love each other, James hasn't said anything about that but they've put too much on the line to be with one another, they obviously love each other."

Shit. Shit. Shit. Hate to say it but please let Sirius's anger overshadow that almost love confession. 

"I'll kill them both." Sirius hisses.

Thank fuck. 

"Sirius, you're being ridiculously stubborn. Talk to James, don't punch him again." Sirius opens his mouth to protest, "Don't." Remus says firmly, holding one hand up. "Why the fuck would you punch James?! He'd never ever do that to you, that's fucking cruel." He stops when he sees the guilt on his face, it's a good sign, Sirius feels bad. He can work with that. "James knows about us, you know. Do you know what he didn't do when he found out? He didn't punch me in the face. You're his brother and I'm one of his best mates, he didn't get angry and punch me."

"It's different..." Sirius mumbles, not sounding overly convincing. 

"Why?" Remus challenges and when Sirius doesn't answer, he continues. "Is it different because you're not blood? Blood doesn't make a family, I shouldn't have to tell you that. You certainly know that. It's not different, James didn't punch me because he loves you. He wants you to be happy, he trusts you to know who makes you happy, and he trusts me not to make you unhappy. Why can't you do that for James and Regulus? Why can't you try?"

"He's my baby brother, Remus. I—it's James..." Sirius says quietly, his fists no longer clenched. 

"Maybe I shouldn't have an opinion because I don't have a brother but if I did and James loved him then I'd be fucking honoured. Nobody loves harder than James. James doesn't do anything halfheartedly, he would love him more than he loves anything. James would do anything to make him laugh when he was sad, he'd fight for him, protect him to his dying breath, he'd be so loved, and that's all I would want for my brother. To be loved by someone like James Potter."

Sirius sits down on his bed and he stares down at his feet, not saying anything until finally, he lets out a shaky breath and looks at Remus "fine. I'll talk to him."

***

Despite Sirius's promise to talk to James, he doesn't try to do so. Sirius is almost as experienced with dodging the boys as Remus is. They barely see him outside of class and meals, sometimes Sirius is in the dorm but it's only at night and he draws his curtains before anyone can speak to him.

It's awful. And Remus misses him. He can't help but think about how Sirius must have felt when Remus would avoid them, he hopes it's nothing like how Remus feels. Because he feels empty. Like half of his heart has been ripped out of his chest. 

It's not until the full moon that they get to spend any time with him and they don't even get to see Sirius, it's only Padfoot. Padfoot enters the shack and he leaves the next morning.

"So," James says eventually, Peter and James had joined him in the hospital wing without Sirius. James is idly picking the bedsheets while Peter flicks through a comic, "Sirius... That was so unlike him last night, even the wolf could tell something was up. He kept trying to get Padfoot to play with me and obviously he wouldn't so the wolf kept getting agitating. It wasn't a good night." James sighs and looks at Remus apologetically as if it was his fault. "How are we going to get Sirius to talk to us again?"

"Personally, I've enjoyed the peace and quiet," Peter says while turning the page in his comic, he glances up when no one says anything and is met with James and Remus glaring at him. "Merlin, I was only joking!" Peter drops his comic in his lap and holds up his hands in surrender. "I miss the git too, he's supposed to be doing my Transfiguration essay since I did his Herbology essay."

James tuts at Peter then looks back to Remus, "you said he wanted to talk but he never came, so should I go to him?"

"I don't know, Prongs. I really wouldn't push it if I were you, he needs time. It's a lot to absorb."

"I didn't need time when I found out about you and Sirius! He should give me the same courtesy!"  

"Er, yeah but it's different with Regulus and you, James." Peter states, "it's his little brother at the end of the day. He grew up with him and watched him grow as a baby, they're just one year apart but Sirius sees him as that baby still, I reckon. It's messy. Y'know, can't be fixed with a couple of famous James Potter hugs. You must've known that it wouldn't be simple when you guys started." 

James slumps down in defeat. Peter's right, Sirius needs time. It's all too complicated. But really, they ought to shove Sirius's stubborn ass into a cupboard with James and get them to work this out. Wait, that's not half a bad idea. 

"Hear me out..." Remus starts.

"Ooh, sounds like we're about to get a Lupin prank idea!" James says excitedly, despite himself. 

"No no, not a prank. Not really. Why don't we lure Sirius into a room and lock you both in? Let you two talk it out without the possibility of him running away."

Peter laughs and rolls up his comic, "Moony, that plan is just..." he lifts the comic and smacks him across the back of the head with it. "Awful!"

"Ow! Christ, Peter!" Remus rubs the spot he hit and glares, "I'm injured, mate! You can't hit an invalid!!!" 

"You're a nitwit, that's what you are. I can't believe you thought that was even a valid option, you can't force Sirius into acceptance. Plus, he'd surely kill James if he was alone with him. We wouldn't want that now, would we?" James and Remus don't respond, "would we?" He repeats.

"No." James and Remus say flatly. 

"It was a decent plan, mate," James reassures him with a pat on the shoulder. 

"No. It wasn't." Peter swats at James's arm. "Merlin, I'm surrounded by idiots." He grumbles, unrolls his comic and goes back to reading.

They don't talk much after that.  

***

Here's the thing about Remus Lupin, he hates being ignored. He can’t stand it when someone won’t talk to him when he wants them to. Perhaps that makes him a bit of a hypocrite as he absolutely will ignore and avoid anyone at the drop of a hat but when it’s him being ignored, it just drives him mad. He gets in his head, he gets antsy and angry. 

He hates being lonely when he doesn't want to be, the one person he'd be willing to give up all his alone time for wanted nothing to do with him. And it wasn't even Remus who was shagging his brother!! Why was he being punished?! 

Each time Remus catches up with Sirius and Sirius ducks past him, getting out of reach and disappearing down a corridor, Remus gets angry. Like really angry, an anger that builds up until he feels like he can hardly breathe, every time he sees him and every time he doesn't, it just weighs on him like a ton of bricks. He misses Sirius and all he wants to do is grab him by the arms and shake him until he sees common sense. So, who's to blame Remus for what happens next. 

Lily pulls Remus aside after class and bothers him enough for him to agree to study for a bit in the library, their trip to the library is full of Lily moaning which fully gets under Remus's skin. Mostly because Lily is the brightest witch of her age and she complains about getting anything less than Outstanding. 

"I'm worried about my Advance Arithmancy homework, I thought I had a handle on it but I'm just having some difficulty on the recent chapter."

"Mhm."

"And Potions has been so difficult this term! Have you noticed? We just can't seem to get the right measurements for Felix Felicis! It's like the book is wrong or something, I've done it three times now! Even came after class to work on it, but no luck. Haha, no luck with the luck potion, a little ironic, isn't it!" 

"Mm."

"Oh Remus, I'm so worried about the NEWTs, I think I'll just die if I—"

"Lily!" Someone shouts, Remus and Lily stop and turn to see Snape standing at the end of the corridor with his arms crossed. He nods his head to the side as if to tell her to come to him. The prat. 

"Hiya Sev!" Lily says cheerfully and waves, she goes to start to walk towards him but Remus takes hold of her hand before she can get too far. 

"We gotta get to the library, Lils." He reminds her. Fucking Snape thinks he owns her. 

"Lily!" Snape repeats, staying in his spot. "Come here!" He demands, calling for her like a fucking dog. 

"Oi, piss off Snape. We have places to be." Remus shouts back at him, ignoring Lily swatting his arm gently. 

Snape lets out an exaggerated sigh that they can hear all the way from the end of the hall, he finally relents and starts to storm towards them, his robes billowing dramatically behind him. Remus rolls his eyes. 

"Lily, I've been trying to get you to have dinner with me for ages," Snape says curtly once he stops in front of her. 

"Sorry Sev, I've just been really busy with studying and—"

"You can study with me." 

"Right, well Remus and I are heading to the library right now if you'd like to join."

Fuck, Lily, why would you offer that?

Snape rips his eyes away from Lily to look at Remus, he runs his eyes up and down before scoffing. "You want me to willingly put myself near it? I don't fancy getting rabies." He looks at Remus with disgust before looking back at her. 

"Severus," Lily warns. "Remus is my friend, don't talk about him like that." 

"Yeah, Severus. Better be careful with your words, someone might stick another dress and bonnet on you." Remus smirks at the fury in his eyes. 

"I can't even fathom why you hang out with people like him." Snape spits out angrily, throwing up his hands and pointing toward Remus. "Half-breeds, blood-traitors, mudbloods. They're all the same, no respect for their superiors." 

"Severus!!" Lily gasps, "you know you can't say that word! You promised me you wouldn't say that again!" 

"You're nothing like them. You're special, Lily."

"How dare you Severus, I thought you were my friend but you're not. You're just a bigot. I thought you cared about me!"

"I do, of course I do. Always."

Remus scoffs, "shut the fuck up, Snivellus. You sound like a fucking twat."

"Remus," Lily says sternly. "He's not worth it, let's go."

"Not worth it?!" Snape shouts, "oh, you've truly corrupted her!" He hisses at Remus. 

"I haven’t corrupted her, believe it or not, Snivelly, she has her own brain. A brilliant one at that, she thinks for herself. And clearly, that brilliant brain is working perfectly well if she wants to get far away from a pathetic, slimy excuse for whatever you are."

Snape growls (he actually growls, the freak) and grabs Lily's arm, pulling her close and lowering his voice. "You're just like them then, a filthy mudblood." He lets go of her arm and pushes her back, she stumbles and Remus catches her before she falls. 

Remus has to internally count down from ten just to stop himself from punching the daylights out of Snape.

10…9…8… Snape is still talking to Lily, he’s not quite sure what he’s saying because he’s trying to count,

7…6…5... Snape is shouting in her face,

4…3… Lily is crying. Oh, that’s it.

Remus lunges himself forward and pushes Snape back, hard. He falls backwards, catching himself before he hits the ground and starts to pull out his wand. Remus easily hits it out of his hand and throws his fist into the side of Snape's face. This time he doesn't catch himself, when he falls Remus follows and continues to pound his fist into his face. Again and again. It feels good, he hates to admit it but all that anger inside releasing itself with each blow to Snape's ugly mug feels like bliss.

This isn't like him, sure he's always dreamt of how fantastic it would feel to thump Snape but he's never been angry enough to do it. He wants to blame Sirius because he hasn't spoken to him for ages or maybe even James for getting them into this. But no, he really can’t blame James for finding someone he loves. Sirius isn't to blame either, this is Remus's fault. Things start to get fuzzy, his vision sort of goes black while he's throwing his fist into Snape, and his ears start to ring until a voice breaks through. 

"Remus!! Stop!!" Lily screams, he's not sure how long she's been shouting but a crowd has formed around them that wasn't there before. 

He only stops only when he's pulled off of Snape. Remus's fingers tremble with pain, he looks down at his fists to see them cut up and bloody, not unlike Snape's face but he is so much worse. His face is red with blood and one of his eyes has swollen up so much there is only a slit where his eye is meant to be. His nose is more crooked than before and there's a pool of blood beside him dripping from his mouth. 

"Fuck, you nutter." Sirius's voice hisses beside his ear, he turns his face to see Sirius. "Are you okay?" 

"Lily," Remus looks over to her, "I'm so sorry." Her face is streamed with tears and she looks absolutely devastated. She just stares like she doesn't recognise him before turning away and walking off. 

"Someone take him to the infirmary!" One of the students shouts pointing to Snape who's unconscious, nobody steps forwards, he really is hated. Eventually, after a bit of back and forth, a Hufflepuff goes over and points her wand at him, lifting him in the air and walking towards the Hosptial Wing. 

"Let's get out of here, c'mon," Sirius pulls Remus away from the scene. He takes him into an empty classroom and sits him down. "Let's see your hand." 

"Fucking hell, fuck." Remus mutters, he extends his hand and Sirius casts a healing spell. "Shit, do you think he'll be okay??"

"Who gives a toss. He had it coming." 

"You didn't even hear what he said..."

"Well, whatever he did, he deserved it."

"He called Lily a mudblood, he was screaming at her..." 

Sirius grips his hand and says softly, "He deserved it." He confirms with a nod. "Lily is too loyal for her own good, she would've stood there letting him call her all those awful words."

"I didn't do it for her," he admits. "No, I did. Of course I did. At first but I kept going, not for her but because I was just so fucking angry..." Remus doesn't meet Sirius's eyes, ashamed. 

Sirius kisses Remus's knuckles, "you're a good friend. Whatever your reasoning, you did it for her. He's a hateful prick, if it wasn't you then it would've been someone else. Probably James." Sirius chuckles. "Felt good, didn't it?"

"Yeah..." Remus admits sheepishly.

"It was so fucking hot, Moony."

Remus laughs and shakes his head, feeling all the anger leave him in that moment, being with Sirius. "You're an idiot." 

Sirius shrugs, "maybe, but that doesn't make you any less hot." 

Remus finally meets his eyes with a smile. "God, I've missed you. Don't avoid me anymore, I hate it."

Sirius smiles and places a hand on his cheek, resting his forehead on his. "I won't. I'm right here, I'm not leaving."

Remus closes the space between them, pressing their lips together for a soft kiss and Remus can't help but think finally, I'm home. 

Chapter Text

James Potter knows things about people nobody else knows, sometimes even things they don’t know themselves. His tendency to be observant mixed with his wild curiosity allows him to figure things out easily.

For example,

Sirius Black is madly in love with Remus Lupin, he figured this out in third year. It was cute, really, how he found out. During a particularly boring History of Magic class, he happened to glance over at Sirius who was scribbling away on his parchment. First, he thought he was writing notes, which was so unlike Sirius that James just had to see what he was actually doing. Which was, writing R.J.L + S.O.B. It was, at that moment, the most adorable thing that James had ever witnessed from Sirius (honestly, it was still pretty high on the list). Sirius is loud, he loves hard and unapologetically, he carries himself proudly and he doesn’t hide. But this, this affection for Remus is his secret, and it destroys James. Sirius deserves to show his love, he doesn't deserve to hide it away in tiny scribbles on parchment. James tries, he really does but no amount of hints or pushes in the right direction could get Sirius to admit that he's in love, not to Remus, not to Peter, not to James and certainly not to himself. It drives James mad, they are only young once. Why waste so much time?

Remus Lupin hates reading, now hear me out, he hates reading non-fiction. His textbooks, historical books, theory books, he hates them. So much. It takes him four times longer to get through them than any fiction book he reads. Somehow despite absolutely hating non-fiction he still manages to be the biggest swot that James knows. He’s not sure why he doesn’t tell anyone, he never corrects people when they recommend a non-fiction book, he reads every single one he’s ever been given as a gift, and he never says a negative word about it. James doesn’t ask because he doesn’t want Remus to feel watched (he hates that) but he assumes that Remus prefers fiction because it’s an escape. Remus doesn't want his life, he wants to be anyone else which breaks James's heart because Remus Lupin is one of the best men he’ll ever know. The universe is so cruel that way, creating perfect beings who believe they're so flawed that they can’t look at themselves as anything other than less.

Peter Pettigrew, bless his heart, plants a flower every time he makes a new friend. It took a few months to work that one out, Peter would come into the dorm with dirty hands and a big smile on his face, creating a mess that James told him off for every time. When James would ask what’s got him in such a good mood, he would explain in detail the new friend he made, never once explaining the dirt. One day James happened upon a field of planted flowers, it’s behind Hagrid’s hut of all places. A small garden full of new friend flowers, currently there are 20. It warms James’s heart now whenever Peter comes into the dorm with dirty hands, he stopped caring a long time ago about the trail of dirt he leaves behind.

Mary MacDonald vomits when she’s upset and pretends that she’s not. What a weird reaction. He figured it out simply by accident, wrong place, wrong time. And to be quite honest, he wished he didn't know at all. The first time was after Sirius and she broke up, it was mutual or so they told everyone. It was Mary who broke it off with him, not that she told James nor did Sirius but James is observant. He could tell that Mary looked at him differently months before the breakup as if she was slowly picking up pieces of a puzzle she didn't know she was making, James can't be 100% sure but he thinks she knows about Sirius's affinity for Remus. Which led to the breakup, which led to the unfortunate pukey realisation. They were all sitting around the common room one night as they do, joking about the breakup (Sirius started it!!), Remus was pretending to ignore them all with his nose in a book, Lily was cuddled into Mary's side and Sirius was standing on top of a coffee table, dramatically retelling the story of their breakup. Which apparently included a prophecy from a centaur, Mary was laughing along adding in details when she stood up suddenly almost causing Lily to fall off the couch. She excused herself and ran up to the boy's dorm, oddly enough. Worried, he followed to check on her and found her in their bathroom. Head in the toilet spilling out the contents of her dinner. Crying to herself. When he asked her what was wrong she simply told him that she had too much to drink, a blatant lie as there wasn't a drop of alcohol in the common room. 

Marlene McKinnon is a lesbian, that one actually shocked him a bit. Only because it was second year, and he had no idea that girls could fancy other girls. He didn’t even know there was a term for it until third year when someone made an awful joke in the corridors (he sent a hex their way, it’s what they deserved). Despite the initial shock, his opinion of her didn't change even for a moment. Marlene is and will always be Marlene, no matter who she dates. She helped him figure out his complications with liking men and women and he'll forever be thankful for her, even if she doesn't know it. James noticed every other day that when everyone was sitting around doing their schoolwork Marlene was pretending to write on her parchment, waiting for the perfect moment to sneak away. She always got away with it but this time James's curiosity got the better of him. When she found that moment and dashed out, James took his invisibility cloak and followed her. At first James thought she was going to the kitchens until she passed it and stopped outside the Hufflepuff entrance. She stared at her watch anxiously until someone came out, James didn't know her. She was beautiful, her olive complexion perfectly complimented the yellow in her uniform and she had a brilliant smile that was directed right at Marlene, James found out her name was Emmeline and he made a mental note to meet her properly one day. He followed the two (still hopeful about the kitchen) until they stopped in a hidden corner and stunned James to the core when they started kissing. Suddenly feeling incredibly intrusive he backed up and went back to Gryffindor Tower. 

Maybe he was just nosy... Nah, observational sounds way better. 

Lily Evans, oh Lily Evans, well she was the most beautiful person on the planet. Plain and simple. Perhaps that’s not something nobody else knew about her, you only had to look at her once to know that she was the reason the sun gives life to the earth. Truthfully, he knew so much about Lily Evans but nothing that nobody else knew. She is the most open and honest person he’s ever met and that’s why he loves her. 

One of his favourite things is figuring people out, learning about their lives, and finding out what makes them smile and what makes them sad, it’s such an important part of James’s life. This is why he was instantly intrigued when he first met Regulus Black. He couldn’t figure a single thing out about him, sure he knew what Sirius would occasionally say. Completely biased, of course, but he needed to find something on his own. He felt like a magnet being pulled towards Regulus, it took him a few years but eventually, he gave up trying to avoid figuring him out. He couldn’t really be blamed for being intrigued, if Regulus was just a little bit more open then perhaps James wouldn’t feel obligated to follow him through corridors or watch him at meal times. Through James's observations he noticed that Regulus went to the library every day at the same time, 4 pm, he hasn’t deviated from this routine. He’s not sure how it’s even possible, but somehow Regulus manages. It was the first thing he learnt about Regulus and it felt like winning the quidditch cup, yet it still didn’t feel like enough.

So, that’s how James found himself in the library at 4 pm every day. Well, almost every day, it’s not James's routine so he doesn’t mind deviating in the name of mischief, quidditch, or friendship.

James needed to know things about Regulus, he wanted to know everything. Why? He had no idea.

Regulus always chooses the same seat in the library, a secluded, forgotten corner with a small table and one chair, there's almost never anyone in the spot. Once (much to James's entertainment) a Ravenclaw was sitting in his chair, with a simple flick of his wand and muttering of a spell, the quill that the Ravenclaw was using hopped up and bit his finger. The Ravenclaw screamed which instantly caused Madam Pince to swoop in and kick the Ravenclaw out of the library, Regulus triumphantly took the spot. James made a note to use that spell, that was ingenious.

Another thing he learnt about Regulus was that he was brilliant, which should have been obvious since his brother is also brilliant but Regulus's brilliance was different. Sirius's was effortless while Regulus worked hard for his, which is why he was in the library every day working tirelessly. 

There was a seat just a little bit away from Regulus’s spot that at the perfect angle, he could see Regulus through the bookcase. After a week of just watching James couldn’t stop himself from moving closer. Close enough to see a tiny dimple on Regulus’s chin that he’s never noticed before but still far enough to not be seen. James stares at the dimple, he eats up that information, getting the sudden urge to want to know what it feels like under his thumb.

"What do you want, Potter?" Regulus hisses, their eyes connecting through gaps in the bookcase. "Is there a reason you've been watching me like some psychotic stalker?" James gasps and shifts to pretend to stare at his books, ignoring Regulus's comment. "Tell Sirius to stop having me followed," Regulus says pointedly, suddenly appearing by James's side. 

James jumps, nearly falling out of his chair and spins around to the figure breathing down his neck. "Merlin's beard!" He places his hand above his own heart, feeling it pounding out of his chest. "Hasn't anyone ever told you not to sneak up on people? You could've killed me!" 

Regulus scoffs, "better luck next time, I suppose." He glares down at him, "why are you following me?"

"I haven't been!" James lies.

Regulus runs his eyes up and down James, the attention makes him squirm, his eyes snap back to meet his own and they narrow again. "Tell Sirius to leave me be, I'm not doing anything nefarious nor am I bothering him. So, leave me be." He repeats.

"Sirius didn't tell me to follow you, honest." 

"Really? Then why are you here every day? You're usually over there," he points towards James's usual seat.

James can't help the giddy smile forming on his lips. "I didn't realise you paid so much attention to me," James props his elbow on the table and leans his cheek against his palm. 

"I don't." He says without expression then walks back to his spot, picks up his books and starts to leave. 

"Leaving a little early, aren't you?" James asks as he passes.

Regulus stops in his path and glares at him, "stay away from me, stalker."

"Or what?" 

Regulus doesn't reply, he lets out a huff and walks away. 

Another thing James learns about Regulus, he's observant like himself. And that makes him so much more interesting. 

Despite the thinly veiled threat, James doesn't stay away, he goes back every day that week. Regulus ignores him each time and it's fine, really. It gives him time to notice that when Regulus is annoyed at what he's reading he pulls on his earlobe. He's learnt that he brings milky tea and a scone on Fridays. And he's learnt that he can read a book in less than a day, he thinks his favourite to read is Hamlet, he always brings his very used copy whether he's reading it or not. 

James doesn't go to the library again until Monday, his current thirst for Regulus Black knowledge does not overpower his busy mischief schedule.

Perhaps it's because he's bored and tired of Regulus ignoring him but James fancies some more mischief. And he knows exactly what to do. He rushes out of class, telling Peter that's got to do some quidditch work. He arrives at the library before Regulus and takes his usual spot. Instantly he understands why Regulus prefers it, it's quiet and warm. It's surrounded by muggle books so there's not much traffic and unless he's really trying, he can't see a single person.

“Seriously?” Regulus appears beside him. 

James doesn't look up, he flicks through a book he's not actually reading. "Wrong one, I'm James.” 

“That isn't clever, I said 'seriously' not 'serious'," Regulus says, already annoyed. "You’re in my spot, Potter. Go away.”

He leans over his chair and looks under it, then does the same under the table. “I don’t see your name on it.” 

Regulus scoffs and places his books on the table. “I always sit here, it’s one of the only spots I can be alone. Find another spot.”

“Maybe I want to be alone too.” He snaps his book shut and looks at him finally, his nostrils are flared which makes James want to keep teasing. “Since I was here first, perhaps you should, as you eloquently put it… go away.” 

“I had a frustrating day, I’d like some quiet in my—”

“I didn’t ask.” He cuts him off and pushes the books to the edge of the table, back towards him. “If you’re going to hover then take that chair,” James points to the chair that he pulled over earlier, in hopes to entrap Regulus in a conversation. 

Regulus doesn't move for a moment and he thinks he's going to walk away but he finally sits down, without a word he opens his books. James watches as he occasionally writes something down, he watches as he licks his thumb and turns the pages, James doesn't miss the odd flip in his stomach at the motion. 

“Stop watching me.” He meets his eyes and furrows his brows. 

"I'm not."

"You know Potter, you’re a shit spy." 

"I'm not a spy, I'm simply a knowledge-seeker sitting in a library, surely you can relate to that."

Regulus narrows his eyes at him before focusing on his book again.  

"Why did you have a frustrating day?"

"Excuse me?"

"You said that you had a frustrating day."

"I was trying to make you go away, but clearly you've decided to irritate me with your presence instead."

"Hm, I don't believe you."

Regulus sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, "you're annoying."

"I think you meant charming."

The edges of Regulus's mouth twitch upwards and for a moment James thinks he's about to smile but it drops back to his regular grumpy face. James huffs at the loss of the potential smile and pokes his shin with his foot under the table. 

"So, what's wrong? Can I help?"

Regulus starts collecting his books, shoving them into his satchel. "Don't sit in my spot again, I'm warning you."

James reaches over to his pile of books and while Regulus is distracted with organizing his parchment, he takes the battered copy of Hamlet. James puts it in his own satchel before Regulus notices. "You didn't hex me as you did to that poor Ravenclaw bloke."

"Count yourself lucky then, I will not let you off as easily next time."

"I can't wait." James beams at the angry, younger Black brother.  

Regulus rolls his eyes and storms out of the library. 

James watches as he goes and decides right then and there that his goal for the next week is to make Regulus Black smile. 

Regulus's Hamlet burns a hole in his bag all day, the first thing he wants to do when he gets back to his dorm is to pull it out and take in every bit of information from it but the boys are all lazing about. Peter working on an essay, Sirius listening to music on the floor and Remus as per usual has his nose in a book. 

"Lads," James says by way of greeting. They all mutter a response and go back to their respective tasks. "I'm going to tuck in early," James lies, waiting for protest but isn't met with any. He flicks his curtains shut, only slightly guilty about feeling relieved his friends don't want to hang out, he pulls out the tattered book and examines it, he didn't notice before but there are tabs marking different pages. Each page has underlined quotes. 

'Give every man thy ear but few thy voice.' is the first line that catches his attention, it's obvious why he had underlined it. It screams Regulus. Regulus is a quiet person, not because he doesn't have anything to say but because there are few who he deems good company. Or so Sirius has said, perhaps there's truth to it. But something tells James that it's not him looking down at people, it's that what we know pales in comparison to what needs to be known. 

'The time is out of joint. O cursed spite, That ever I was born to set it right!' This catches his eye because written alongside the quote is 'Sirius'. James frowns, reading the quote again. He's not one for Shakespeare because mostly it confuses him (did people actually speak like that??) but somehow he manages to understand why Regulus wrote Sirius. The disruption of the natural progression of Hamlet's family lineage has put pressure on him to be the one to fix his family. He doesn't have to be a complete swot to see the parallel there. He spends hours reading underlined quotes and scribbles in the margins before eventually falling asleep.

The next day moves along painfully slow, he does his best to entertain his friends and keep up a cheerful demeanour but truthfully he's waiting until the day ends so he can throw himself in Regulus's chair and bother him all over again. 

Which he does.

"You're in my spot," Regulus says unimpressed. 

James grins and copies what he did the first time Regulus declared it his spot, he leans down to look under the desk and then under the chair. "I don't see your—" he stops abruptly to stare at the bottom of the seat which has 'R.A.B' etched into the wood. He straightens up and smirks at Regulus, "I never took you as one to deface public property."

"Move," Regulus nods towards the seat across the desk, James blossoms with pride at the hint of amusement in his expression. He does in fact, move.  

"Should I put my initials on this one? Make it official?"

"Do what you want, Potter." He says while making himself comfortable in his spot. 

"Hmm, brevity is the soul of wit." He says in an exaggerated posh accent.

With that Regulus instantly rips his gaze away from his book and locks eyes with him. "Give it back."

"Whatever do you mean?" James asks innocently, batting his eyes. 

"Give. It. Back." Regulus punctuates each word with a pointed finger.  

"I don't know what you're talking about." 

"You're impossible."

"Admit it, you like it. I'm entertaining."

Regulus scoffs, ignoring the comment. "Does Sirius know that you're here?" 

It takes James a moment to adjust to the sudden subject change. "No, why?"

"I want to study, I don't want him barging in like a maniac and bothering me."

"Sirius hasn't stepped foot in the library for at least two years, you don't have to worry about him coming and crashing our date." James teases which makes Regulus scowl but James doesn't miss the light blush that creeps onto his cheeks.

"Piss off."

"What? Do you mean to tell me this isn't a date?"

"Obviously not."

"Aw, why?"

"You're James Potter. That's the only reason needed."

"Jeez, you're mean. You know that?"

"I'm not going to apologise."

"I'm not asking you to." James rests his cheek on the palm of his hand, "why Hamlet?"

Regulus's eyes flick around his face before swallowing, as if what he's about to say is being forced out of him, "I appreciate Shakespeare."

"He's a muggle."

"Is he?" Regulus asks sarcastically. 

"I would've thought considering your parent's distaste for all things muggle that literature by the likes of William Shakespeare would be off-limits. I wouldn't have pinned you for the rebellious type. Although rebelling through books isn't exactly groundbreaking." 

"Don't pretend to know anything about my life." Regulus glares at him.

"Ooh, mysterious." He's teasing but Regulus is a mystery that James can't help but want to solve. 

"Will you give me back my book?" 

"Only if you tell me something about you that no one else knows."

Regulus frowns deeply at him, "I really want my book back, Potter. I don't want to play childish games with you."

"It's not childish."

"It is."

"C'mon then, tell me your deepest darkest secret. I won't tell, I'm an excellent secret-keeper."

"You're mad, that's what you are."

“Though this be madness, yet there is method in ’t.”

Regulus closed the book he was reading and lays his hands on top, lacing them together. He lets out a sigh and very calmly states, "I'm not telling you a secret, James Potter. You will give me back my book or I will turn your tongue into a horn, do you understand?"

Well, that didn't surprise James. He had actually been anticipating some sort of hex since Regulus had sat down, so when Regulus told him to move James had swiped his wand out of his robe pocket. James smirks at him and lifts his wand, "however, are you going to do that without a wand?"

"James!" Regulus hisses, keeping his voice low so as to not draw any unwanted Pince attention, "you're a kleptomaniac. Give me my stuff back!"

"Tell me something I don't know about you!" He counters.

Luckily looks can't kill so James is safe from Regulus. Regulus squeezes his hands so tight that he can see his knuckles turning white, his jaw tightens and his eyes narrow to slits. James is almost certain he's going to hit him but he doesn't. Instead, he releases a breath and his shoulders lose the tension, "I speak French."

"Not good enough, I already know that. Sirius speaks French, you would too."

"Enculé de ta mere." Regulus mumbles while furrowing his eyebrows, "I like to paint." He finally says and James smiles big.

"You're a painter? Can I see your art?" 

"No. Give me back my wand." He puts his hand out and James places it into his palm. "And the book." James is more hesitant on that one, it's not that he's into Hamlet because truthfully he tried to read it last night and couldn't get past the second act, it's that somehow Regulus's writing gave him comfort. He likes reading his (surprisingly) messy writing. "James. Book." Regulus insists. And James finally relents. "Thank you."

He came to the conclusion that despite knowing very few things about him, Regulus Black was the most fascinating person he's ever met. 

***

They meet almost every day and generally, it goes the same, James pesters him and Regulus ignores him. He's learnt more things about him like how on Sundays he brings black coffee along with an eccentric Ravenclaw called Pandora who tells him that he's red... he still has no idea what that means but he instantly likes her. He's also learnt that when he's not fully paying attention to his work he absentmindedly doodles on the top of the table, despite it being only a doodle they're pretty good. 

Regulus became the perfect distraction for James, something weird had been going on with Remus for a couple of weeks now. He was distant and it was awful. Peter and Sirius agreed but neither knew what was going on. The weirdest thing? He was dating Marlene... Marlene. The lesbian. Marlene the girl he had seen kissing a girl. Marlene. It baffled James, he was supportive of course because Remus seemed to be happy with her, and she seemed happy too. They were practically inseparable, always cuddled up to each other and spending every minute together. Maybe she likes both, James likes both. For him, gender doesn't matter at all really, it's the person. James can't help but feel sorry for Sirius, who is deeply in love and probably doesn't understand why he's been acting like a complete twat around the two of them. 

Regulus is warming up to him, he just knows it. He still hasn't managed to make him smile yet but there have been close calls, each time bringing butterflies to his stomach. There has to be a reason why Regulus didn't smile often, James's guess? It's so magnificent that Regulus held it back to be fair to others. What would be the point of anyone else smiling if there was someone out there who could outshine everyone else's smile? So maybe that's not entirely right but it's better than thinking that Regulus just doesn't like him enough to smile, okay??

"Would you come to a party if I invited you?" James asks after a silent ten minutes of them studying or more accurately Regulus studying and James watching him. Ten minutes without talking is hard, how does Reg do it so easily? 

"Are you inviting me?"

"Yes."

"Then no."

James huffs and leans back in his chair, "well, you don't have all the facts."

"Which are?"

"It's a costume pa—"

"No."

"And," James continues, "it's Sirius's birthday pa—"

"No."

"Please come, if not for Sirius then for me."

"Why are you assuming I'd want to come for you?" Regulus has finally looked up from his page, his grey eyes meeting James's. So far in their friendship (acquaintanceship?) James hasn't made a habit of comparing the Black brothers mainly because they're so damn different, this is one of those times he does compare them. James has always thought Sirius's eyes were a blessing from the gods above, he envied them a tad, if James had those eyes Lily would be his girlfriend by now. He's seen Sirius make girls fall for him with just his eyes, he's never ever felt attraction for Sirius before, sure, he's an attractive bloke there is no denying that but Sirius is just Sirius. On the other hand, James can see it now, the attraction for the eyes. Not Sirius's but Regulus's. His eyes are like a storm, they're the crashing of waves along the shore, thunder so loud it vibrates the ground, a perfect rainy day and for James, there's nothing like a good storm. Crap, he's one of those girls who falls for the Black's eyes.

"James? Hello?" Regulus snaps in front of his face, pulling James out of the thoughts he definitely shouldn't be having about his best friend's brother. 

"Oh, sorry um." Regulus's eyebrow is raised in amusement while James struggles to remember what the hell they were talking about... Books? Class? Sirius? Oh! Party! "I just really wanted you there, I enjoy your company," James says sheepishly, feeling suddenly aware of every eye movement coming from the boy in front of him.

Regulus hums in response, his eyes running over James's face as if he's trying to figure him out. "I don't do Halloween, it's a ridiculous holiday."

"What's ridiculous about free candy, booze and costumes?"

"The costume part," Regulus says simply, twirling his quill between his fingers. 

"I'm going as Dumbledore, you should come as Grindelwald! We could match!"

"You want me to come as a murderous madman who had a hard-on for killing muggles?"

"Er... now that you say it out loud... maybe not. Bit tacky, innit?" Regulus lets out a noise that almost sounds like a chuckle and James instantly sits up straight, wanting nothing more than to make Regulus laugh. "Although, I've seen old newspaper clippings of him. He's a handsome bloke, maybe you should be him."

"James, are you admitting to me that you find mass murderers attractive?"

"Hm, yes? No! Maybe... definitely not. Yeah, no. I was mostly using it as a way to say that you're handsome."

Regulus drops his quill and to James's disappointment, he doesn't laugh instead he smiles. And oh, it's safe to say that disappointment does not last.

Here’s the thing about James Potter, he prides himself on knowing things. He observes and absorbs and he uses his knowledge for good. So everything sort of just explodes inside him when he realises that maybe he didn’t know what he thought he knew about Lily Evans, she’s beautiful, there’s no mistaking that. She’s breathtaking, really. Only a few hours ago he would have died professing that Lily Evans was the most beautiful person on the planet, but it turns out a few hours can change things because Regulus Black's smile could give the sun a run for its money. 

***

After a very satisfying morning of beating Remus with a pillow for turning his hair blonde, the absolute fool, and reversing it back to his normal black hair, James spends his Sunday in the library. Arriving way earlier than he usually comes, simply because Peter has scared the living hell out of him asking about Regulus at breakfast, who does he think he is?! Why would he ask that?? Regulus is a conversational no-no, everyone knows that! If Sirius hadn't told everyone to stop talking about him then James would have already told him about his almost daily visits with Regulus, definitely. 

"Ah pity," James lifts his head to see Regulus leaning against a bookcase, two coffees in his hands. "I was growing fond of blonde James."

"What?! How do you know about that??"

Regulus pushes off the bookcase and sits in his spot, "I saw it." 

"What?! How? You didn't come!" 

"I did, briefly, you just didn't see me." 

Damn you, Lupin!!

"What??"

"You need to learn a new word," Regulus teases. He puts the coffees down, setting one in front of James. He looks at it and then at Regulus, "don't worry, I didn't poison it. Just thought you looked tired at lunch." James smiles and takes it, "I didn't know what you take but you're a child so I assumed cream and a disgusting amount of sugar."

James takes a sip and nods, "you would be correct. Thank you, Reg. Where's Pandora?"

"Hm." Regulus tilts his head and sips his coffee, maintaining eye contact. "Why?"

James shrugs, "just curious, she's usually here on Sunday."

"You really notice everything, don't you?"

"I try to."

"Why?"

"I like knowing things. I find that no matter how happy a person is they have these self-destructive tendencies that stop them from feeling content and I try to do whatever I can to help. So if I can figure out something about a person that makes them happy then I can use that to make them smile on a crappy day. Sometimes I accidentally figure out things that I shouldn't know," James laughs a bit, thinking back to Marlene kissing Emmeline, "but mostly it's harmless." 

"What have you learnt about me?"

You have the most gorgeous eyes, truly, I could stare into them for hours is what he thinks, but doesn't say. 

"Truthfully, I'm still figuring you out. There are little things though, like the way you like your coffee or how loyal you are to your friends. You read out loud when you read something that catches your attention, I don't think you realise it but you do. It's actually pretty adorable, only mildly annoying when I'm trying to focus," he jokes. "You like to be complimented but you never accept them, which is mad, you should accept them, I haven't met many people who deserve compliments as much as you do."

Regulus frowns, "It's not your job to make others happy, James. It's an impossible task that you've set for yourself. If you're only here to figure out what makes me happy then you should leave, I'm not interested in being a project." 

"Reg, you're not a project. I care about you, I think you're fantastic. I think you might be one of the handfuls of people in this castle that I would jump in front of the killing curse for," James chuckles and runs his fingers through his own hair, "it's rubbish that you can't seem to see yourself the way other people do, the way I do."

"James..." Regulus says quietly, he reaches over and places his hand delicately on top of his. "you're too good to me—for me." He slowly turns over James's hand and laces their fingers together. Regulus had a look in his eyes, one that James hadn't seen focused on him before, but he's seen the way Sirius looks at Remus and he knows what it means. "I don't deserve you." He says, brushing their thumbs together.

James is certain his heart is about to explode out of his chest. "You know, my mum once told me that the only people who deserve us are those who think they don't." He squeezes his hand gently and Regulus smiles that breathtaking smile of his. 

Regulus turns his head, looking around their abandoned nook. He turns back to James and leans over his books, bringing their faces closer than they have ever been, "I'm going to kiss you, tell me to stop." 

James doesn't say anything so Regulus closes the distance between their lips. If James ever had to explain magic to a muggle he would say, Regulus Black. Regulus is magic, in the way he touches James's cheek lightly pulling them closer, in the way that dimple in his chin feels under James's touch, in the way his fingertips are like sparks which travel through James creating a shiver down his spine and in the way that his lips felt like an eternal flame.  

It wasn't a long kiss but James will remember it forever, the moment when time stopped. The moment everything made sense. In that moment their lips had made a promise to their souls, they promised themselves to each other. I am yours and you are mine. 

***

Less than a week later and Remus already knows. James is a world-class idiot, he left the bloody map in the dorm. IDIOT! Imagine if it had been Sirius who had seen them on it, oh gods, he would have been screwed. Thank Merlin for Remus Lupin. He told James that if Sirius asked then he wouldn't lie which in a way felt like a promise of secrecy because why would Sirius ask? James doesn't keep Remus's knowledge of them a secret from Regulus, he thought about it but decided against it. Secrets only cause harm, and he would hate himself if he ever hurt Regulus.  

"Reggie." James begins, waiting for him to look up from his studies, but he doesn't. "Reg..." still engrossed in his book, mumbling the words of what he's reading under his breath. James reaches over and pulls the book from him, Regulus frowns and tries to take it back. "Reg, listen. I have something to tell you."

"I swear James, you need to get that klepto trait of yours under control, stop taking my books! You better not lose my page!" He reaches for it again before James gives him a stern look and he drops his hand, "what happened?"

"Um, so don't get upset or anything..."

"James," Regulus says impatiently. 

"Remus knows about us."

Regulus doesn't say anything for a moment, he looks as if he's trying to take in the severity of James's announcement. "Remus?" He says eventually. "Is he the good-looking tall one with the scars?"

"Uh, yes."

"Well then we're screwed, aren't we?"

"What? No, he said he won't lie if asked directly about it. And Sirius wouldn't ask, so you don't need to be worried."

"Aren't they together?" Regulus asks, confused. 

"Wait, what? No." James chuckles, "no, they're not together." He wanted to add 'Sirius wishes' but he's not going to out him to his brother. 

"Mm, sure. Do you trust Remus not to tell him?"

"Of course, I'd trust Remus with any secret. I'd trust him with my life." Regulus mutters 'dramatic,' "he already had an opportunity to tell and didn't."

"How did he find out?"

"It's kind of complicated..." The map is a secret which James will not tell without collective permission and something tells him that the lads wouldn't want Regulus in on it. "He caught us in the one-eyed witch passage yesterday."

"He caught us, how?" He asks skeptically. 

"Leaving it," James lies, (kind of?) "we didn't see him but he saw us. So yeah, he knows we're dating but you don't have to worry, really."

"Are we dating?"

"Aren't we?"

"We've never made anything official."

"Oh. Well, would you want to make it official?"

"Yes." Regulus shrugs dismissively, not able to hide his smile. 

"Okay then," James clears his throat and adjusts his tie. "Regulus Arcturus Black, will you be my boyfriend?"

"Yes."

Thank Merlin for this abandoned corner of the library, there's no one here to catch them as Regulus throws himself at him. 

***

If you would have told James two years ago that Sirius Black would be living with him and calling James's parents mum and dad his heart would have burst open. James has always loved Christmas time, the lights, snow (if it's not raining), presents, turkey, family, everything about it made it his favourite holiday, what made it the perfect holiday was that now he got to share it with a brother, Sirius. 

But that was before Sirius found out. 

It had been a quiet day, James and Sirius played a game of quidditch out in the snow. The cold pinched at their noses but that had only motivated them to play harder, at one point they landed so hard on the ground that Sirius was certain he'd broken another bone but he was just being a dramatic git. They had lunch and went their separate ways for a bit, ever since Christmas morning Sirius had spent every spare moment he could consuming the motorbike book that Remus bought him. James took the alone time to start a letter to Regulus.

Dear Reggie,

I've been reading your lovely gift and I have to admit, Hamlet is boring. Don't hate me for saying it but can't they just talk like normal people?? I'm lost. I miss my stolen copy with cute little notes and underlined quotes. Let's swap copies and you annotate mine and give it back then I'll be interested! 

"Boys!" His mum called up the stairs, "your father and I are going down to the shops for a bit. Sirius, dear, there's a letter for you!" James hears Sirius's door open and listens as he tears down the hallway and towards the stairs, "slow down, son!"

James will never tire of his parents calling Sirius their son and him calling them his parents. James continues his letter with a smile plastered on his face.

However, I'm fully invested in the Hamlet, Ophelia, and Horatio love triangle, nobody can tell me that Hamlet isn't in love with Horatio.  

"JAMES!" Sirius shouts, angrily. James instantly gets up and hides his letter, he opens his door only to be met with a furious red face. "What the fuck is this?!" Sirius pushes a letter in front of his face, hitting his nose with it. James backs up to look at it, he instantly feels ice in his bones when he sees the Black family seal, the letter has been opened. 

"Sirius—" 

"There's no point in lying, I've read the letter. So tell me, are you fucking my brother?!"

"Sirius, please just—"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!" Sirius shouts in his face, stepping forwards and standing tall, despite the five-inch height difference, Sirius feels like the tallest person in the room. 

"N-no... well yes—we're dating..." He admits.

"You're dating?" Sirius laughs, starting to sound a bit hysterical. "You, James Potter are dating my brother, Regulus Black. Hm, isn't that adorable. Oh, I'm absolutely chuffed for the two of you. Isn't that grand?! How ever did that happen? Tell me all the details." A big manic grin spreads on his face and he drops his hand on James's shoulder with a loud 'thud', James hisses at the pain and Sirius starts to squeeze tightly.

"Sirius, you're hurting me." James winces, Sirius doesn't relent instead he grips harder. "Sirius, let go!" James tries to get away from his grasp, Sirius pushes his shoulder down until James falls onto his bed, Sirius finally let's go, standing in front of him. 

"What do you like the most about my dear little brother? Is it his utter distaste for anyone he thinks is below him or is it the fact that used to stand by and watch while my parents fucking tortured me? Take your pick mate, there are so many colourful reasons to like him." 

"I—Sirius, can we just calm down and try to be civil? 

"Calm down?" Sirius leans over so the two are face-to-face, "CALM DOWN?" He shouts. "You want me to fucking calm down?!" Sirius hits James around the head with the letter and then opens it, straightening up, "Dear James," Sirius begins to read, "I stopped enjoying Christmas many years ago for several reasons, but now I find myself despising it because I am not with you—aw, isn't that charming—" Sirius says bitterly. "—I miss our days in the library and surprisingly I miss you bothering me, did you know I did poorly on a test because I couldn't focus on my studies? But for the life of me I can't seem to care because I enjoy the company of a certain idiotic boy—well, I think that's the most I've ever heard him express his feelings. There's more, would you like to read it?" Sirius holds it out for James to take but as he reaches for it the letter sets on fire, burning the tip of James's finger. 

"Christ!" James wraps his hand around his finger and blows on it. "Why would you do that?!" James looks up at Sirius who is glaring viciously, "I'm sorry you're finding out this way, I was going to tell you! I was, it's just complicated. I didn't want to upset you and I didn't want to force Reg into coming out by telling you, it's just—ah I guess I've just outed him, dammit—listen Padfoot, if there was an easy way to do this then I would've told you already."

"Bless your heart, James!" Sirius pats his hand over his heart and gives him a fake smile, "always thinking about others, huh?" The smile drops back to a scowl. "How long?"

James can't help but feel as if he's walking into a trap, but there's been enough lying. "Officially, it's been about three weeks."

"And unofficially?"

"We first kissed the day after Halloween."

"You..." He scoffs, "you've been with him for almost two months?! And you forget to fucking mention that?! You disgust me."

"I know it doesn't feel like it right now but I was trying to spare your feelings, trying to find the right time. Remus only found out because he saw us on the map otherwise nobody would know besides Reg and me, it's—"

"Stop fucking talking!" Sirius snaps, "Remus knows?!" 

James is just really fucking this whole thing up, now Sirius will be angry with Remus. 

"I asked him not to say anything, it's not his fault. Don't be mad at him, I shouldn't have—"

"Well, aren't you two a couple of secret-keepers. Isn't that sweet? Let me guess, Peter is in on it too? Actually no, I suspect not otherwise I'd know by now. He can't keep a secret if someone's life was depending on it. Suppose that's why you chose Remus to keep that dirty little secret of yours, he's great at keeping quiet." Sirius chuckles darkly while shaking his head, "Shagging my brother. Wow. Honestly, four billion people in the world and you pick Regulus? What a joke. Only you, James, only you could fucking betray me like this."

"Please Sirius, I never meant to—"

Maybe if James were paying attention to Sirius instead of focusing on what to say then he would've noticed how Sirius's hands had balled up into fists, he would have noticed how Sirius had moved closer and he would have been able to pull back before his fist collided with his nose. A loud crunch met with stinging pain, he could taste the blood. James lets out a loud cry and flinches as Sirius reaches over and wipes the blood under his nose with his sleeve, leaning in and smiling. "Red looks good on you." Sirius whispers then straightens up. Blood gushes as James holds his broken nose while trying to stop it from bleeding, Sirius throws another punch into the side of his face, clipping his cheek. Blood and tears stream down James's face as he stares at his best friend who is looking at him with nothing but repulsion. 

"You're fucking dead to me, Potter, do you hear me? I'm fucking done with you." Sirius spits and leaves without sparing another glance in his direction.

James doesn't try to call him back. This is a first, James Potter doesn't want to be anyone near Sirius. Feeling complete and utterly lost, James can't do anything except hold his broken nose and cry. 

One thing is for certain, Sirius Black will never forgive him.

Chapter Text

The first time Marlene realised she liked girls was when she was 10, her mother gave her brother a handful of muggle money and insisted they left the house while she made an important Floo call, they were supposed to be on Christmas holiday but it didn't stop her mum from working every day. She wanted to get rid of them constantly, which was fair, they were annoying. 

Two purebloods under the age of 15 get thrown into the wilds of the muggle world and they get lost almost immediately, what else would you expect?

Eventually, after what felt like ages but in reality was at least half an hour, they found themselves in front of a theatre. It was the smell of popcorn and the sound of laughter that led them through the doors. If they were honest they were still completely lost but somehow they managed to buy two tickets to whatever the unimpressed teenager in the box office picked for them. He had chosen something called 'The Aristocats.'  Her brother, Mitchell was just as unimpressed once they got in as he was surrounded by children. But that quickly turned to wonder when the theatre went dark and a magical light shot across the room, throwing a picture on the wall in front of them. It moved like a painting but it was in no way the same. She heard him whisper wow and she agreed.

The Aristocats instantly became Marlene's favourite thing in the world, it was fun and loud and jazzy.

And to top it off, it had Marie. 

A beautiful cat that wore a pink bow and held herself with grace, she was elegant and despite wanting to be a 'proper lady' she was strong-willed and loved a good fight. "Ladies do not start fights, but they can finish them." Honestly, she was perfect. And Marlene was in love. 

Her first crush was a cartoon cat. That was a secret she should have taken to the grave but she was young and in love and her brother was her best friend.

"That was magic," Mitchell declared as they left the theatre, "muggles must have stolen that magic from us. Or maybe it's run by a wizard!" He turned to look at the name on the building, "Phoenix Cinema! Aha, wizards!" Now satisfied, he took Marlene's hand and they started their trek back. They were sure to get lost but Marlene didn't mind, getting lost with your best friend is an adventure.

"Mitch, who was your favourite character?" She asked, hoping he'd say Marie. 

"Uh, I suppose it was Berlioz. He was quite funny, he didn't let Marie walk all over him like she tried to. Quite the snob, that one is." 

Marlene frowned, offended to the core but didn't pick a fight instead she shrugged. "I liked her, she was cute." Mitchell didn't reply, just made a humming noise and kept walking. "I really liked her. She was pretty."

"Marley," he laughed, "It was a cat. Cat's can't be pretty." 

"I think she's pretty like how dad says mum is pretty." She said simply because it was simple for her. 

They were in the middle of the street when he stopped, "what?" He asked, staring down at her with a confused look.

"What?" She asked, equally confused and scared of the muggle cars blaring their horns. Mitchell didn't say another word until he pulled them off the road after a particularly angry muggle screamed something vile at them through his window. 

"Marlene," he started and she could already tell it was serious, her family never used her full name unless she was in trouble. "You can't say those sort of things. About girls. Even if the girls are cats, okay?"

"Why not? I liked her; she was pretty and wears pink bows that make her look beautiful." Mitchell watched her without saying a word so she continued. "Remember when you sent me that letter about the girl in Ravenclaw with the nice blonde hair and heartbreaker smile? You said you ask her to the village with you and she said yes, I'd like that with Marie! I love her!" Marlene beamed up at his brother, her smile didn't last long when she saw his face. Angry and disgusted. 

"Marlene." He warned, "cut that shit out. It's not funny."

"I—I wasn't making a joke."

Mitchell let go of her hand and grabbed her arm, pulling her off the pavement and into an alley so they were alone. "Marlene, do not tell anyone what you just told me. Do you understand?"

"Why not?"

"You can't love her. Chose a different one to fancy, what about Berlioz or Toulouse?"

"But I like Marie, she's pre—"

"Yes, pretty. I got that. She's a girl."

"I know."

"You can't like girls, you are a girl. Girls like boys only. Do you understand?" She didn't so she didn't answer. She watched as he leaned his back against the brick alley wall and let out a long aggravated noise.

"I don't understand why I can't like her, she's—"

"If you say pretty one more time, I swear to Godric I will tell dad everything you've just said. He'll ship you off and make sure you never see another girl again. Do you want that to happen, Marlene? Because I don't, I want you to stay home and fall in love with boys and live a happy, normal life."

"I—can't I fall in love with girls and live a happy, normal life?"

"No, don't be an idiot. That's not normal, that's wrong."

It had been so innocent, a little crush on a cartoon cat and the person who was her best friend in the world looked at her as if she had a terrible disease. 

They never were quite the same after that.

***

The second time she realised she liked girls was in second year when she met Emmeline Vance, she was a Hufflepuff, she was sweet and soft and she was the one who initiated things. They were alone after herbology class, Madam Sprout had an emergency and asked Marlene to clean up the classroom, Emmeline had volunteered to stay back too. The pair had never said a single word to each other yet Emmeline handed her a red rose and told her with a beautiful smile, "you're cute." 

It was so brave that the sorting hat ought to have put her into Gryffindor. 

Her first instinct was to run away screaming, that's what three years of repression will do to you. 

Mitchell finished Hogwarts last year but the halls still felt heavy, like he was watching her every move. As if he was still warning her when she would stare at a girl for too long or set up dates with boys or sit next to her at meals with her friends to listen to what they talked about.

Perhaps she should have felt guilty that she felt relieved when she didn't see him in the halls anymore but she didn’t. She felt so free.

She missed when he was her brother and not her prison guard. 

The truth is she didn’t like Emmeline. Well no, she did in a way. She was full of energy, she was smart and loved plants and dragons. She could recite facts about magical creatures that Marlene didn’t even know existed. She was fascinating, generous and lovely, she taught Marlene that there were others like her at Hogwarts. They would kiss, hold hands in private, they would whisper compliments and give secret smiles but there was something missing. 

It wasn’t until the first day of fourth year that she realised what it was. 

The usual train carriage had been suffocating, people were arguing, specifically, Remus and Sirius were arguing about some muggle singer, Dan Bone? Dave Bowe? She doesn’t know, she wasn’t listening. She had to get some air and honestly she could kiss the pair of them because their relentless arguing causing her to leave was fate for her. 

Fate drove her face first into the back of the most beautiful girl on the earth. She knew that she was beautiful even though she hadn't seen her face at that point, it was just her back. Her long hair was dark brown and thrown into neat locs, they had beads in them and they fell to right above her waist. When she stepped back to admire her more the girl turned around with a frown directed at her. 

And Marlene was certain that she forgot how to breathe.

She had gorgeous big brown eyes that despite the frown, sparkled as if they had been stars in a past life. Dark skin that glowed and she wanted to reach out and touch her, she knew she would be warm. But that’s weird, she shouldn’t just touch a random girl on a train, even though she really wanted to.  

“Watch where you’re going.” The beautiful girl said, her voice melodic to Marlene's ears. 

Right then and there Marlene thought she had truly experienced love at first sight. 

Marlene always thought love at first sight was a myth, created by dreamers who see pretty girls and think they can’t live without them. But now Marlene realised how ignorant she had been, so harsh to judge those who saw their soulmate and instantly knew. Marlene knew then that love at first sight isn’t silly or fake, it’s recognising the soul we loved from a past life and falling in love all over again. She’s loved this soul once before and she knew she’d love it again. 

“Sorry!” She eventually blurted out once she realised how long she had been staring. 

"Don't worry about it, I didn't mean to be rude." She said with a kind smile that almost made Marlene's knees buckle. 

She did run away this time because it was different than it was with Emmeline, she never thought about loving Emmeline and this was dangerous. She could hear her brother in the back of her head saying, 'you can't love girls.' 

Despite having not noticed this girl before suddenly she saw her everywhere, in the corridors, in class, in her dreams, haunting her like some beautiful ghost. When she didn't see her she was looking for her, with every face that passed by she hoped it was her. She was well and truly pathetic. 

***

It took two years for Marlene to pluck up the courage to speak to the girl again, she would love to give credit to some sort of personal journey but the real credit went to Professor Slughorn. The old man paired everyone in groups of two and somehow she ended up with her. Fate. 

Within those two years, Marlene met a girl named Bertha Jorkins who was older than her, a seventh-year Hufflepuff. She was loud and nosy but she was kind and caring, she knew when someone was upset and helped whenever she could. They met at a party and Marlene was properly plastered which ended in her crying on the closest person's shoulder, that shoulder belonging to Bertha. The firewhiskey loosened her lips and she told her all about the beautiful girl she met on the train, the one she was in love with despite not knowing her name. 

"Oh, do you mean Dorcas Meadowes?" Bertha asked while stroking her hair.

Marlene blew out a longing sigh, "how would I know? I don't know her name!"

"Pretty face, locs with beads, and she always wears a gold necklace with a muggle bullet on it, right?"

"Yes, yes, and I don't know. Never saw a necklace. I was too busy looking at her face."

"That's adorable. You're adorable, Marlene."

They only dated for two weeks but it was the most important relationship she'd ever have (except Dorcas if that ever happened). Bertha was incredibly dim when it came to academic matters or anything related to quidditch, ask anyone and they'd tell you that, but they wouldn't tell you that she was a gay rights activist in the muggle world. Her mother had opened a home for queer youth runaways and kept it quiet, so they didn't get closed down. It all blew Marlene away, brave and senseless acts for a community that her mother didn't even belong to. A hero. Bertha taught Marlene that it wasn't wrong to be a lesbian, even if the world hadn't caught on yet. 

That stuck with her, she was still scared but she was a Gryffindor, being brave despite the fear is what she does. 

So maybe she was still a little bit horrified when she walks into class, forcing her legs to carry her to the table where Dorcas is sitting. She sits down and gets caught up instantly in Dorcas's hands, she's preparing the ingredients without a care in the world, as if she didn't know the sight of her fingers moving around the table drove Marlene absolutely mad. Obviously she didn't but still! Oh, and her necklace. Marlene hadn't noticed it before but it hung around her neck making her look impossibly cool and devilishly gorgeous at the same time. Merlin, she wasn't going to survive this.

"H—" Marlene clears her throat, unaware of the lump that had formed. "Hi."

"Hello." Dorcas replies simply without looking up, "we're brewing a Memory Potion, based on the ingredients."

"Wow. You must be brilliant if you can tell only by the ingredients."

"I've just read my textbook." She says and looks over at Marlene, eyeing her up and down before looking back at the ingredients. 

"Swot!" Marlene says with a chuckle but quickly stops when she receives a nasty look from Dorcas, "I was only joking, I'm sorry! And say if I was serious then I'd never mean it as an insult, most of my friends are giant swots. Lily and Remus," she points to the table where the two of them are reading, "they're probably the biggest pair of swots in the school! Sirius and James," she points to the pair who are holding up the eel eyes to their own eyes, poking their tongues out and giggling, "they don't look it but they're absolute eggheads. I'm probably the only one in the group who can't be bothered to pick up a textbook, oh, I probably shouldn't say that. You might regret getting me as a partner. Don't worry, I'll pull my weight, I—"

"You're rambling," Dorcas interrupts.

"Oh... Sorry, I do that when I'm nervous." Marlene tucks a piece of hair behind her ear, embarrassed.  

"You're nervous?" She asks, an eyebrow arched with amusement.

"Well, yes. Only because you seem really cool and smart and I really like your necklace and—"

"I'll stop you from rambling again." She grins, wrapping her fingers protectively around her necklace.

"Thanks," Marlene turns away, unable to stop the warmth spreading over her cheeks. 

After a few moments Dorcas taps on the table and she looks back over. "I'm Dorcas, Dorcas Meadowes." She extends her hand. 

"I'm Marlene McKinnon," she hesitates for a moment, wondering whether or not it would be appropriate to shake her hand. 

"Nice to meet you, McKinnon."

No longer able to pass up the opportunity to touch her, Marlene reaches over and shakes her hand. When she first saw Dorcas on the train she thought she looked warm and she was right, Dorcas Meadowes had a touch like fire. Flames that weren't meant to be touched but Marlene loved the feeling of being burnt. 

***

"Oi, McKinnon!" Dorcas pokes her arm, "are you paying attention?"

"Absolutely," Marlene replies, definitely not paying attention. Preferring to focus on the way Dorcas bites her lip when she concentrates instead of the boring potion in front of her. They really shouldn't work together, the only thing Marlene wants to study is Dorcas.

"You know, it's rude to stare. Don't all you purebloods get some kind of etiquette lessons?"

"Huh? No, why? Did you?"

"I'm not a pureblood."

"But you're in Slytherin?"

"Christ," Dorcas mumbles as she drops a leech into the cauldron, "you know that's a myth, right? Not everyone in Slytherin is a pureblood."

"Oh." She didn't know that was a myth.

Dorcas stirs the ingredient in and raises an eyebrow, "sure there are loads of purebloods but it's no different than other houses..." Marlene raises a skeptical eyebrow back at her, "okay, fine. Slytherins might be a little louder about it. Is that a problem? That I'm a half-blood?" Dorcas asks, sounding unsure. 

"No! Of course not! No!" Malene leans over and places her hand on her shoulder, "please don't think that. I don't give a toss about shite like that. Most of my friends are half or muggleborn, it really isn't important."

"Okay..." Dorcas smiles at her, "thanks."

"No need to thank me. Not to be too corny but I think you're perfect. No matter what." Marlene says bravely. 

"Wow," Dorcas replies quietly, a light blush dusting her cheeks. "That was corny." She teases, sticking out her tongue. Marlene can't help but think about that tongue in her mouth.

Marlene pushes her gently on the shoulder and rolls her eyes, "say something nice about me now!"

"Hm." Dorcas taps her chin, appearing to be in deep thought then raises a finger. "Aha! Oh, wait no, hm. I don't know." 

"Rude!" Marlene huffs and looks back down at the cauldron, "What's next? What's that called?" She points to the gross little green bugs.

Dorcas tuts, "C'mon McKinnon, you know this. Lacewing Flies." 

"I'm an idiot." She groans and drops her head on top of the table. 

"Well, at least you're pretty," Dorcas says with a pat on her back.

Some people don't understand that words have magic powers, something as easy as "how are you" could save someone's life. Something as simple to say as "leave me alone" could destroy someone. And saying "you're pretty" whether it was a joke or not, brings so much hope to Marlene that she's ready to leap over to Dorcas and push their lips so hard together that they might just combine into one. But she doesn't because she's not that idiotic.

***

Marlene generally hates the first month of classes, readjusting to the new schedule, meeting new classmates, the feeling of summer so close yet so far, it all just sucks. Of course, that was before the brilliant Horace Slughorn assigned her the even more brilliant Dorcas Meadowes as a partner. Which quickly became the best thing that has ever happened to her, hands down. Now it isn't just staring hopelessly at her in class but it's also staring hopelessly at her during study dates. Okay, maybe the date thing was premature but it's what Marlene wants to call it so she does! 

The Black Lake is always Dorcas's choice for studying, despite the late-September chill she never feels cold.

"Is this really the best place to study?" Marlene says through chattered teeth. 

"Cold makes your brain work harder," Dorcas says dismissively, passing a book over.

"I can't feel my fingers," she complains, blowing hot air onto her palms. 

Dorcas groans and sets her books down, Marlene watches and almost passes away as she pulls off her jumper. "Here, will this shut you up?"

"Erm, maybe!" Marlene snatches it from her before she changes her mind, only stopping before putting it on to say, "won't you be cold?"

She grins and shakes her head, "I'm tougher than I look."

Marlene pulls the jumper over her head and instantly feels warmer, but she genuinely can't tell if it's because of the jumper or because of Dorcas's smile. "I don't know, you look pretty tough." Marlene grins back, "oh wait, that was meant as a compliment." 

"Oh, I know." Dorcas winks.

Marlene has to look down at her books to hide the blush forming on her cheeks. When she gets it under control she looks up to watch Dorcas study, her lip pulled between her teeth in concentration and her fingers playing with the gold necklace around her neck. She's been curious about it ever since Bertha mentioned it.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You just did," Dorcas replies without looking up. 

Marlene snorts, “can I ask you another thing?”

"You just did,” she repeats.

"Ugh,” Marlene groans, “are you going to keep going that?”

“Absolutely.” She teases, lifting her head from her book with another wink that makes Marlene shamelessly blush, “go on then, ask your question.”

“Is there a reason behind your necklace? Or do you just wear a bullet to look cool?”

Doras pauses, surprised by the question before asking, “Do you know what a bullet is?”

"Well no,” she admits, “someone told me it was a bullet.”

“Hm, so you asked someone about me?” Dorcas smirks.

“Hey! I’m the one asking the questions here!”

Dorcas lets out a breath, losing the teasing look on her face. “Yeah, there’s a reason behind it,” she says in barely a whisper, clutching the necklace protectively.

Marlene wants to push because she wants to know everything about Dorcas. What makes her happy, angry, sad, disappointed, what makes her laugh and what makes her fall in love but this, this seems private, special, so she doesn’t say anything. She just nods with an understanding smile and goes back to her notebook, trying to study a ridiculously complicated quidditch drill James wrote up.

“My dad, he was a muggle,” Dorcas says after a few minutes of silence.

Marlene looks up and frowns, “was?”

“He died.”

“I'm so sorry.”

“It was a long time ago, I was only 10. he—“ Dorcas clears her throat. “When I was young my family lived in America, my dad was from there. We went back for a few years and he was—he got drafted into the war.” Marlene watches as tears fill Dorcas's eyes, her heart breaks. She reaches over and holds her hand.

“You don’t have to tell me if it hurts.”

“No, it’s okay. I should tell someone, I—we haven’t talked about him in a long time. My mum, never says anything about him. Like he doesn’t exist. I sort of hate her for it.” Dorcas reaches up with her free hand and swipes a tear away. “I’m doing the same thing, keeping him in a box. Keeping him a secret. It’s not fair to him.”

Marlene squeezes her hand gently, “just don’t push yourself.”

Dorcas takes a deep breath. “Do you know anything about the Vietnam war?” Marlene shakes her head, “I won’t bore you with the details, it was war. One side thinks it’s necessary, the other doesn’t. One side thinks they're the hero, the other side thinks they’re the hero. My dad was drafted—told to go and fight—he didn’t want to but he loved his country. The war, it was just… it was awful. Brutal. The things I heard, and read. I was only 10. And I was horrified for him.” Dorcas shutters and Marlene holds her hand tighter, to let her know she’s there for her. “He was shot within the first year."

Marlene tilts her head, "shot? How?"

"Right. Um, when muggles go to war it isn't with wands. It's with guns. They're like wands but they only Avada people."

"Merlin, that's awful."

"Mm. This,” Dorcas let’s go of Marlene's hand and reaches up, unclasps her necklace and places it hesitantly in Marlene's hand. “This is what they put in guns, little bullets that shoot at people and kill them." 

Marlene runs her thumb over it, "so you wear it for your dad?"

"I wear it as a reminder of him but also a reminder of war. How war destroys people, families, everything. I'd never go to war. It's just not worth it. The sacrifice. You either win with blood on your hands or you die. I've heard things, Marlene. Some of the Slytherins, they talk, they talk and I'm afraid there's something brewing. Something bad."

"War?"

"War." Dorcas frowns, a tear slipping down her cheek. Marlene reaches over and wipes the tear away with her thumb, Dorcas leans into her palm. "Promise me, Marlene, promise me that if there's a war you won't fight. I can't—Marlene, I can't lose you." Dorcas pleads.

"I promise." She whispers, still cradling her cheek. "promise me, Dorcas."

"I promise."

Years will pass and Marlene would think of that conversation every day, even with her last breath Marlene would think about it. How she wished she had kept that promise. 

***

After their whispered promises Dorcas asked Marlene to keep the necklace, she told her that she wanted Marlene to have a little piece of her around her neck at all times, a promise that she would protect her, a reminder of her when she wasn't around. What she didn't tell Dorcas was that she didn't need a reminder, she was always on her mind. 

But she wore the necklace every day.

Maybe it was the gift, maybe it was the promise or maybe it was just the years of love that lead Marlene to this moment but no reason mattered. The only thing that mattered is that Marlene was going to kiss Dorcas. 

"Dorcas!" Marlene shouts, Dorcas is chatting with a group of unimpressed-looking Slytherins and a floaty Ravenclaw outside the Great Hall. Marlene marches over with a smile and links her arm with Dorcas who looks pleasantly surprised at the contact. "Do you mind if I steal you away from your friends?"

"Not at all!" The Ravenclaw answers for her, "Cas was about to go look for you!" 

Dorcas chuckles, "she knows everything that one, don't think too loudly around her or she'll know." 

"That's our Pandora, she's an absolute nightmare." A boy with blonde hair (Evan, she thinks) says while throwing his arms around Pandora's shoulders lovingly. 

"Noted," Marlene muses. "You don't mind then?"

"Not at all," Dorcas says with a kind smile. 

They make their way to the lake, Marlene has dubbed this their special spot. A big oak tree with yellowing leaves that drop onto the water, it's a beautiful view. Although, the even better view is the girl attached to Marlene's arm. 

There's no other way to put this other than just flat out admitting, she's nervous. Beyond nervous. Is there an emotion beyond nervousness? Terrified, maybe? Whatever that emotion is is what Marlene is feeling. She's sweating and she can feel herself shaking even though she's trying very hard not to. 

She's about to cave, to be honest. It's not that she hasn't kissed girls before, she has. Emmeline, Bertha, and Mary once during a drunken game of truth or dare. This was different, this was monumental. This was the moment they'd laugh about at their wedding, what they would tell their children—whoa too far Marlene—too far but not wrong, Dorcas was the one. The one she would be with forever, until the very end. 

Marlene wipes the sweat off her palm before taking a deep breath, "Dorc—"

"Are you okay?" Dorcas says, "you're being weird, you've barely said a word."

"I'm fine," Dorcas raises an eyebrow, "okay, I'm just nervous."

"Really? When you're nervous you rant, you're quiet."

"I—"

Marlene can't handle it anymore. She launches forward, she hears Dorcas gasp when their lips touch. And holy shit, they're kissing. Oh my gods. And it's amazing and life-changing and Marlene doesn't want to pull away. Until she realises that Dorcas is not kissing back. Horrified, she does pull away.

Dorcas is staring for a minute then scowls. "Why would you do that?!"

"I—I'm so sorry, Dorcas. I didn't—"

She's cut off when Dorcas's hand lifts and collides with her cheek. Marlene hisses and cups her cheek. "You... you slapped me, what the fuck!"

"You fucking kissed me!"

"You fucking slapped me!"

"What the fuck!" 

"My thoughts exactly!" Marlene steps back and rubs her cheek, "Dorcas, I thought you were—"

"What?! That I was a queer?!" 

"Maybe. I don't know!" 

"I can't believe you." Dorcas frowns and then starts to storm away. 

Marlene follows after her, "please don't be mad at me. We—please forget this happened. I wasn't thinking. Dorcas, I like you so much and I don't want you to hate me." Dorcas doesn't reply, she continues to storm away leaving Marlene in her dust. 

So, this whole kissing Dorcas thing could have been dealt with better.

Maybe instead of diving in feet first with a kiss Marlene could've maybe dropped a hint, or you know what would have been the best idea ever? Ask.

Hey Dorcas, I think you’re the most beautiful person on this planet, fancy a snog?

Or,

Hey Dorcas, guess what? I’m a big lesbian, let’s kiss and see if you’re one too?

Maybe not those exact words but somewhere along the lines. Oh, how this could have been avoided.

The thing is, Marlene is an idiot. Plain and simple. And yes, that term is used so much that it’s almost lost its meaning but she means it in the most Middle Ages way possible. People have been using the term idiot for hundreds of years, and somewhere as time went on it stopped being used as a catastrophic word defining someone who couldn't be part of everyday society to being used as a word to describe menial mistakes.

This was not a menial mistake.

Marlene McKinnon kissed a straight girl and will forever be an idiot.

***

Two weeks of radio silence from Dorcas. It's awful and it's heart-breaking. Sure, they talk in class but it goes as far as "pass the snake fang" and it's exhausting. Perhaps she should be thankful for any contact, whether it's stone-cold or not. At least Dorcas is still around but she can't help but think this is worse. Pretending to be strangers when just two weeks ago they were holding hands, wiping away tears and giving gifts. Marlene still has her necklace, should she give it back?

Maybe that's the reason she said yes to Remus, he was so sweet about it and nervous and Marlene couldn't fathom breaking his heart. It was Remus, Remus is easy. They can laugh together, and chat for ages, if it was anyone else she would have said no. She's a bad person for saying yes, knowing full well that she had no real interest in him, she knows that. But it's Remus, she couldn't say no. 

It was confusing though, had she flirted with him before? Had he flirted with her? Definitely not, right? Is a bloke flirting with her different from a girl flirting with her? Yes, of course, boys are upfront and intense, and girls are shy (usually) because it's either you swim or you sink, like really sink, right to the bottom. Marlene had sunk with Dorcas, every time she sees her now it's like she's gasping for air. Wishing Dorcas would reach into the water and pull Marlene from the depths, but she won't. She's too far gone.

The reason for dating Remus is so blindly obvious that she's surprised it wasn't her first thought. Dorcas will be jealous. Or at least, hopefully be jealous. She'll see her with him and think about how she's missed out. She'll think she's lost her chance, which she hasn't, literally ever. But let her think, let her sweat. A metaphorical slap in the face (Godric, she still can't believe Dorcas smacked her!). 

So yes, she's decided she is a bad person for saying yes to Remus because Remus has feelings for her and she has zero romantic feelings for him whatsoever.  

And apparently, now she's going to date her friend—Remus—Fucking weird.

Speaking of (kinda), Sirius walks right into her on her way back to Gryffindor tower to meet Mary before heading to Hogsmeade with Remus. He looks exhausted and distracted like he's been told awful news and is just sort of going with the motions. She's not even sure if he's realised he walked into her. "Sirius? You alright, mate?"

Sirius blinks hard as if his eyes are adjusting to the light, he looks at her and opens his mouth to speak before quickly shutting it and just nodding.  

"Er." Marlene rubs the back of her neck, taken aback by his utter lack of witty remark, very un-Sirius of him. "Are you going to Hogsmeade today?"

Sirius's eyes narrow before something flickers over his face and he goes back to a neutral expression, "yeah. I'll probably see you and Remus there. Do have fun." He offers a weak grin and walks off. 

Weird. 

Marlene stands there, stunned for a moment before Dorcas's laughter booms through the halls which instantly captures her attention. She heads towards the sound of her angelic laughter and stops a few feet away. Dorcas is sitting on a window sill with Sirius's little brother, Regulus. Her face is lit with humour while Regulus is pretending to not be amused, he's doing a poor job.

"Fucking genius, it was!" Dorcas wheezes.

"Oh shut it, Cas. It wasn't genius, it was childish." Regulus grumbles.

"That's what was genius about it!" Dorcas grabs his arm and pulls on it, "you have to see the humour in it. Sheep?! Brilliant! Did you get to see Snape? Barty told me he had a bonnet and a dress on, please tell me that actually happened!"

"Let go of me if you're going to do that." Regulus says while trying to shake out of her grip, "you'll stretch my shirt. Ugh—Dorcas, let go—okay! Yes, I saw it. It was creative, I'll give whoever did it that. But I have a feeling I know who did it, so I stand my ground with childish."

Dorcas pokes his miserable face with a playful smile, "who did it!"

"I—"

"Who did what?" Marlene interrupts the baby Black, feeling bold. She was listening, so she knows that it has to do with sheep, Slytherin and Snape. She loves it already. 

"Er—" Regulus clears his throat, sharing a look with Dorcas then glancing at Marlene, "I should... go." Dorcas tightens her grip on Regulus. Dorcas's eyes widen at him and Marlene feels less bold by the second. "Someone transfigured Slytherin's furniture into a dozen sheep and stuck a big dress and bonnet on Snape. It was a headache to listen to his tirade this morning." He says lazily as if it was a headache talking to her as well. 

"Right, that sounds hilarious," Marlene says with a short laugh. 

Nobody says anything for a minute until Dorcas nods in agreement, "It was." 

She spoke to her for the first time beyond class, she had told her about a prank and laughed with her. Okay, well she didn't technically do any of that but it brought her comfort to think it was Dorcas who said it not Sirius's little brother. 

Merlin, Marlene is an idiot. 

***

Update,

Marlene has a boyfriend. 

Update with a little more context, 

Marlene has a beard. 

A little more context, you ask?

Well, Sirius fucking Black surprised the hell out of Marlene by kissing Remus Lupin. Merlin, what a mess. First Marlene kisses her straight friend and then Sirius kisses his straight friend?? The gays of Gryffindor tower can never get a break.

Now, sure on paper, she has a boyfriend but in reality, it's a fake boyfriend. A little scheme the two of them have agreed to which will hopefully succeed in its two tasks. 

1. Get Dorcas Meadowes jealous.

And,

2. Get Sirius Black to lay off. 

A fool-proof plan, truly. They're a pair of geniuses, nothing can go wrong. 

Except, Sirius absolutely despises her now, which is fair, if literally anyone, male or female got anywhere near Dorcas, she'd probably set fire to Hogwarts. 

Strangely enough, Marlene has a feeling that Remus fancies Sirius. He doesn't know it, he probably refuses to acknowledge it but the things he says about Sirius, the way he looks at Sirius, and the way he's defensive over him. It's pretty obvious. And it's sad because if he can't admit it, that means he'll never get past it. Doomed to live an unhappy life one day with some woman who won't understand why her husband can't love him properly, his heart belongs to another. Is she projecting? Absolutely. Is she wrong? No.

It's hard, she's been there. Being afraid to love because of who you love. Not exactly fun.  

She had Bertha to teach her that what she was wasn't terrible, it wasn't a sickness or something to be ashamed of. Remus has no one. He has a dark voice in his head taunting him and hissing hatred. It feels like Marlene's job to guide him, and Godric was it ever a difficult task. 

The issue? Remus Lupin is a stubborn bastard. 

"Have you talked to Sirius lately?" Marlene asks, hand in hand with Remus as they walk down the corridor towards the Great Hall for breakfast. 

"I talk to Sirius every day," Remus replies dismissively. 

"Well yes, but have you talked to Sirius."

"Is this girl language? I literally just said we talk every day."

Marlene tuts and squeezes his hand, "have you guys talked about the kiss recently?"

Remus stops in his tracks and lowers his voice, "Christ Marlene, do you ever know when to shut up?" He throws a glance over his shoulder looking to see if anyone is around. "Yes, we talked about it. It didn't go well, now can we drop this?"

No. "Why didn't it go well?"

"He wants what I can't give him, I'm not like him. It's not fair of him to ask so much of me. I told him I didn't want him, he's my friend. I can't. I—This is stupid. C'mon, I'm hungry." Remus starts to walk again. 

Once they get inside the Great Hall Marlene doesn't miss how Remus walks past James, Peter, and Sirius and sits in an empty seat towards the end of the table, far away from his friends. Must've gone really bad. 

"What happened?" Marlene pushes. 

Remus groans, loading his plate with food and pouring himself a cup of milky tea. "It's fine, really. I said something really shitty and then we got over it. Or at least put it aside for better or for worse." 

"What did you say?"

"Marlene," Remus says, annoyed. He looks up from his breakfast and scans her face for a moment before giving a sly smile. "Guess who I chatted with yesterday."

"Who?" She asks warily. 

"Dorcas," He replies in a singsong voice, shoving a gross amount of food in his mouth. 

Marlene sits straight up and grips his shirt, "tell me every single thing she said."

Remus smirks, no doubt excited about the shift in topic. He takes his sweet time chewing, relishing in her desperation before swallowing. "She was not happy with me. Instantly was pissy. Called me an ass, said she couldn't see what you saw in me," Remus ticks off a finger with each point. "She feels bad for me, wished me good luck. Hmm, what else..." Remus taps the side of his head with his fork. "Oh yes, I called her a bitch." 

Marlene gasps and smacks his arm, "Remus!"

Remus chuckles while raising his hands in surrender, "in my defence, she was being a bitch. Marls, she raised her wand to me! She's mad that one."

Marlene looks over at her, sitting at the Slytherin table laughing with her friends. Radiating pure beauty. Marlene can't help but shamefully stare at her, who gave her permission to look that perfect? Pandora walks in and drops a sugar quill in front of Dorcas, saying something that makes her laugh.

"Marls," Remus whispers, poking her cheek.

She ignores him, not even bothering to swat his hand away because Dorcas Meadowes is sitting two tables away sucking on a sugar quill and it's doing things to Marlene that would definitely get her expelled if she said it out loud.

"God, it's too early for this," Remus mumbles into his tea.

This isn't fair, maybe she should get expelled if only to put her out of her misery. 

"Oi, Marls. You're drooling into my food, c'mon." Remus pushes her lightly away.

Marlene, still staring pushes Remus back. "Lemme look for a bit, it's all I can do without getting slapped."

"She slapped you?! Christ Marlene! Want me to get her back? Gotta defend your honour if I'm going to be your man."

"Oh shut it. I don't need a knight in shining armour."

"But you want one, just not me." Remus tilts his head over to Dorcas, "her. Honestly, I should be jealous. My girlfriend fancying other girls. Tsk. My mother will be awfully disappointed if she finds out. You know she's expecting a litter of children from you."

"Remus Lupin!" Marlene laughs and finally tears her eyes away from Dorcas, "you're insufferable!" Marlene punches his chest gently and throws her arms around his neck, placing a loud, wet kiss on his cheek. "You're a cheeky git, you know that?"

Remus lets out a dramatic sigh, "I wish I was a girl, maybe then you'd truly love me."

"Fat chance, my heart belongs to Dorcas."

"Ah, my loss."

Marlene winks and looks over to Sirius, who is watching them very closely. His glare darker than any curse in the book, she offers him a friendly smile but he turns away. "I think Sirius hates me," she frowns. 

Remus hums in agreement, "if it's any consolation, I know Dorcas hates me."

If only the four of them could all like each other at the same time, now that would be magical. 

"I do love you, you know that. Right?" 

"Aw bless." Remus leans over and returns her wet kiss to the cheek. "I love you too." 

All in all, despite his flaws, his very likely internalized hatred, and of course, his gender, Remus was the best boyfriend a lesbian could ask for. 

***

Marlene did something stupid, she asked Dorcas to come to the Halloween party. Ah, let's rephrase that she shouted at Dorcas to come to the party. She didn't even do it on purpose, she was just walking down the corridor with Lily and all of a sudden Dorcas appeared and she just sort of yelled. "DORCAS, PARTY AT GRYFFINDOR TOWER, BRING A COSTUME." And that was it. 

And she actually came. 

Marlene was not expecting that. Merlin. She needs a drink. 

And she does have a drink or more accurately she has many, many drinks. Teakilla—wait no, tequila—is a gift from the gods. Tastes like venom but does the trick, quick. It was perfect timing because Dorcas is here with a handful of uninvited Slytherins, all scowling. And Remus has encouraged her to talk to Dorcas, she needed those drinks.

Liquid courage.

"Nice costume," Marlene notes as she stops in front of Dorcas who is not wearing a costume. "You know, it's costume mandatory." 

Dorcas snorts, "I got in, didn't I?"

"Well, there's not exactly a guard at the door, everyone's allowed in, it's a party."

She shrugs and takes a long swig of her drink, "so costumes aren't mandatory then." 

Marlene groans, "it's the principle! Spirit of Halloween!"

Dorcas smirks, clearly finding Marlene's frustration entertaining. She finishes her drink and sets the empty cup on the side, "want another drink?"

She ignores that question, "want a costume? You can come up to my dorm and I'll find you one."

Dorcas's smirk drops, "what?" She looks at her friends who aren't paying attention.

Oh, that did sound bad. Didn't it?

"No no no, not like that. For actual costumes, we can pick a costume for you. Nevermind, you don't ne—"

"I'd love a costume."

Marlene grins and waits for her while Dorcas tells her friends. She does her absolute darndest not to jump up and down with excitement, Dorcas Meadowes is going with her to her dorm!!! Be cool, Marlene. If she won't be your girlfriend then she can be your friend, easy. The only problem is Dorcas just sat down on HER BED. Did she know that one is her bed? Calm down! Marlene clears her throat, "um, so... what kind of costume were you thinking?"

Dorcas shrugs and plays with the bedcurtains absentmindedly, "I don't know, what do you think?"

"You could wear my quidditch jumper!"

"You want me to dress up the same as your boyfriend?" Doras asks bitterly.

"What? My boyfriend? Oh, Remus, no no no. He's not—well he is but—it's not—ugh—it's complicated." Marlene groans and opens her closet, rifling through her clothes to keep herself busy before she says another stupid thing. 

"How was the kiss?" Dorcas mutters, asking as if it's against her will.

Marlene turns around to look at her, Remus wasn't a bad kisser but those lips did not belong to her. "Truthfully?" Dorcas nods, "Terrible, I hated it. Wished it was you, silly isn't it?" Marlene smiles at her sadly and turns back to the closet. Marlene listens as her bed shifts, she doesn't turn around, she knows it's Dorcas getting up and leaving, she's such an idiot! Why would she say that?! A warm hand on her back surprises her, she whips around and Dorcas is standing right in front of her. 

"Would you like a kiss that isn't terrible?" Dorcas says quietly, her hand moving to Marlene's waist. Marlene opens her mouth to respond but no noise comes out, "from me, of course. Not from Lupin."

Marlene chuckles despite herself and ignoring every instinct in her body, she shakes her head. "No—wait, yes. But you're drunk."

"So are you." Dorcas pulls away, frowning. "Are you rejecting me now? Because of Lupin?"

"No! He's not even my boyfriend! He is, but not really! I dated him for you. Not for you but because of you—ah, not that it's your fault. It's mine, for kissing you. And Remus, well he's in his own situation. He knows about us—not that there is an 'us'. Merlin, I'm drunk."

Dorcas laughs, "yeah alright. Let's talk when we're sober. Tomorrow, after lunch by the lake?"

***

It's scary to think that you've known someone for so long but you don't really know them. Marlene was wrong about Remus, she knows that now. She thought he was scared to admit his feelings like she was. Marlene thought she could get through to him, but he was impossible. And the sad fact that she didn't want to acknowledge it until now was that Remus Lupin hates queer people, he hates her, he hates Dorcas, he hates Sirius. 

In that case, fuck him. She'll stay away, there are enough people who are forced to be in her life who would hate her if they knew, she's not going to let someone like that in her life willingly. 

She could smack him, she would smack him. If it wasn't for Dorcas. He's lucky that she's going to meet up with Dorcas, Marlene's a Beater, she's got a wicked backswing.

Dorcas is already at their spot when she gets there, sitting with her back against the oak. She turns to Marlene when she notices her, her smile quickly drops when she takes in Marlene's face. "What's wrong?"

Marlene drops down against the tree and leans her head back on the trunk. "I am officially single, my boyfriend was a bit too homophobic for my tastes."

"You broke up with Remus?"

"Mhm." Marlene turns her head to look at Dorcas, her frown is gone and it's been replaced with a smile. "We aren't here to talk about my shitty ex-boyfriend."

"No, but I'm very glad that I'm allowed to insult him now."

"He's not that bad, really. He's just..." Marlene clears her throat and waves her hand, "anyways. Can I ask you something?"

"That's why we're here." Dorcas nods.

Marlene smiles, "do you remember when we bumped into each other on the train, fourth year?" Dorcas shrugs in response, "I do, it was the first time that I saw you. You took my breath away, I don't think I've been able to breathe the same since. You told me off for bumping into you and when I apologised, you did too." Marlene laughs thinking about it, "and then I ran off, I was almost certain I was going to lunge and kiss you right then and there. Merlin, I'm still that same idiot two years later."

"I do remember that," Dorcas admits, "I remember you running away and thinking, what a weirdo." Marlene agrees and they laugh.

"I thought that you were the most beautiful woman to exist, and I still do." 

"Hm, even more beautiful than Marie?"

Marlene sits up straight and looks at Dorcas with wide eyes, "how do you know about that?!"

"Didn't I tell you not to think too loudly around Pandora?"

Christ. "Your friends are the weirdos." Dorcas hums in agreement, "but yes, even more beautiful than Marie." This might be a bad idea because it definitely is but she has to say it. "I've loved you since the first time I saw you." She says quietly, not entirely sure she wants Dorcas to hear, "since that moment it was you, you were all I thought about, all I saw, really all I cared about. I was—am head over heels." Marlene lets out a shaky breath, "please ignore everything I just said, Merlin's beard I did not just tell you that I love you. Oh my gods, I'm an idiot. Please just—"

"Marlene," Dorcas interrupts. "You know, you might be an idiot but you're my idiot. I'm really sorry for acting the way I did when you kissed me, I shouldn't have slapped you. That was—I cannot believe I did that. I was just scared, I'd never been kissed by a girl before. You're the only girl that I've cared about in this way, it's scary. Please forgive me for that."

"I'll forgive you, on one condition."

"Name it."

"Next time I kiss you, you won't slap me."

"Deal."

Marlene laughs, "so does that mean I can kiss you?" Dorcas nods and without hesitating, she leans in and kisses her. This time, Dorcas kisses back. And she finally feels it, her lifeline, she can breathe properly again. 

Dorcas pulls away and leans her forehead against hers, "I love you too."

So there they are, laying together under the setting sun. Whispering secrets, curling strands of each other's hair around their fingers, laughing and kissing, when they make a promise that neither of them intends to break.

"Marlene?"

"Hm?"

“I will always protect you."

Marlene props herself up on her elbow and looks down at Dorcas with a soft smile, “I’ll always protect you,” she traces her finger along Dorcas's bottom lip.

Dorcas smiles “no matter what, life or death."

“That’s dark.” 

“That’s life.” 

***

Who knew actually being someone's girlfriend was such a thrill? Being with someone who wanted to date you and not use each other to make someone else jealous was seriously just the best decision she's made in a while. They kiss in broom closets, in the quidditch showers, really anywhere they can't be caught, it's bliss. 

But apparently, Marlene can't have anything good without a little bit of bad because despite not dating Remus for months Sirius is still avoiding her. They've barely had a full conversation since before Christmas holidays, she misses him and this is getting old, and it's time to put a stop to it.

Classes had ended for the day and Marlene was meant to meet up with Dorcas but she spotted Sirius who was uncharacteristically alone, it was an opportunity that she couldn't miss. "Sirius!" 

"Sorry Marlene, can't stop!" Sirius throws over his shoulder as he continues on.

"Wait!" Marlene jogs to catch up with him. "Where are you going?"

"The library."

"Ha Ha Black, if you don't want to talk just say so. You don't need to lie."

"I'm not! I need to see if someone is in there."

"Who? Remus? I saw him earlier with James."

Sirius stops in his tracks and frowns deeply, "with James? Are you sure?"

"Don't think there's any other bloke hanging around Remus with stupid glasses and ridiculous hair. So you're looking for James then?"

Sirius looks around distractedly. "Mm, sort of. More about who he's with."

"So Remus?"

Sirius sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, "no Marley."

"Are you and Remus already rowing? It's only been like a month! I swear. My parents have been married for 25 years and they argue less than you!"

"Marlene. No offence but I have better things to—wait, what do you mean?"

"Remus told me that you two are seeing each other, about damn time I'd say. Honestly, it was well overdue. Even before Remus and I were together. I knew you liked him, that much was obvious. I thought he liked you too—he did but hadn't admitted it to himself, of course—I even thought for a minute that he hated gay people, shoulda heard some of the awful things he said. He's lucky I didn't put my fist through his face. Nearly did a few times, if I'm honest. I love the bloke but c'mon. Anyways, enough of that. I'm just glad the two of—"

"Marlene, for fuck's sake. Stop talking for a moment. I need to process this." Marlene does in fact stop talking, Sirius takes a minute before blowing out a breath. "You knew? That I kissed him?"

"Of course I knew, did you really think it was a coincidence that he asked me out the next day?"

"Well, I knew it that was the reason but I didn't think you knew. Christ, why didn't he tell me that?"

"Probably felt bad about it, when I told Dorcas she didn't really mention it but we were drunk so maybe that's why." 

"Dorcas?"

Shite, she didn't mean to say that. Oh, whatever, it's Sirius, at least she knows he won't be awful about it. "Surprise, I'm a lesbian."

Sirius snorts, "suppose I should stop hating you then." Marlene agrees, "I really do have to go. I have to find James."

She was right! It was obvious that there was something up with the two, since Christmas the pair haven't been spotted together. Besides the dog in the common room, there hasn't been a single signature prank from the four lads. Something had happened over the holidays, "so, what did James do?"

"What? Nothing."

"Don't lie, Remus told me." Remus did not tell her, a little lie for the sake of maybe getting the boys back together never hurt anyone.

Sirius furrows his eyebrows, "Remus told you about James and Regulus? What the—wait, why are you smirking like that—oh fuck! You little brat!"

"Oi, little? I'm taller than you! Now, what about James and Regulus? Did they kiss too?" Marlene jokes, she looks at Sirius's face drop, "holy fuck! No way! James likes guys?"

"I guess so," Sirius says sourly, there was no love lost there then, “Is everyone in Gryffindor bent? Or is it just our friends?” Sirius jokes in spite of himself.

“Well it makes sense doesn’t it, Gryffindors are meant to be brave. It takes a lot of bravery to go against the norm.”  

“Very wise, McKinnon. So who’s next? Lily and Mary?” 

“You know what, that wouldn’t surprise me. They spend a suspicious amount of time cuddled up to each other.”

“I could see it. They’d make a great couple. Both equally headstrong and equally gorgeous, what a combo. They’d be unstoppable.” 

Marlene can't help but agree. She links her arm with Sirius's and they start to walk again, "Let's go stop your brother from making out with James enough for him to coach us. We've got no chance of beating Hufflepuff if our captain is sucking some bloke's face off from the Slytherin team!"

"It's not funny Marls, James is going to wish he was dead when I'm through with him."

"I believe it."

Marlene didn't know it then but in less than a week Sirius would regret using those words. 

Chapter Text

People are predictable creatures, they eat, sleep, complain, repeat, and never miss an opportunity to tattle. So what surprises Remus is that nobody grasses on him. Not even Snape, he can't think of a single reason as to why. Blatantly beating someone's face in the middle of an open hallway isn't exactly the sanest thing one can do, so it's maybe they're scared of him. Thinks he has a few screws loose. 

It's almost nice to have people scared of him for something he chose to do instead of something that he can't control like his certain furry problem. Almost. Lily won't look him in the eye, he went from finally getting Sirius back to losing Lily, 1977 is not his year so far. 

The professors may not know who gave Snape his (much deserved) battering but the student body certainly does, people clear out of the way when he walks down the corridors. They avoid eye contact and barely anyone speaks to him. Although weirdly enough he's been getting an awful amount of attention from some girls, they giggle or give him flirty smiles when he walks past even a Ravenclaw asked him out to which he promptly turned down. It's either he's a madman on the loose or he's a casanova, neither sound very appealing to him. 

"I just don't get it." James says while pacing back and forth in the dorm, "why didn't Snape tell? He loves getting us in trouble."

"I don't know. Maybe I knocked his brain a little, maybe he doesn't remember. Or he doesn't want to get in trouble for calling Lily a..." Remus trails off, not wanting to repeat the word. "Well, you know."

"The M word." Peter supplies.

"Exactly."

"I can't believe the fucker." James snaps. "Who does he think he is?! Talking to Lily like that! To you like that! He's lucky I wasn't there, he would've been sorry!" 

"Pretty sure he's already sorry, he's was in the infirmary for two nights. They can heal the wounds but they won't be able to get the picture of Remus's fists out of his mind." Peter says almost proudly.

Remus winces in response and James turns to Peter, "c'mon Pete, we shouldn't say things like that. He deserved the punch but let's not make Remus feel guilty, yeah?"

Peter mumbles an apology to Remus and he shrugs it off, crawling under his bed covers. "I'm going to try and rest. Don't wake me up early Potter, I actually want to sleep in on my weekend."

"Gotcha, Lupin."

"Let's do a prank!" Peter squeaks, "a fun one! No one gets hurt, put us back in the good books with everyone—not that we're in the bad books—not because of you, Remus—er..." Peter groans and slaps his forehead. "Ah. Who are we kidding? You went mental Moony, of course we're in the bad books. Don't look at me like that, James. All we need is a good prank and we're set."

"What do you have in mind?" Remus sits up, intrigued. 

"Hm," Peter scratches his chin, obviously not expecting the question. "Well, I don't bloody know! Didn't think I'd get this far!"

James stops pacing and frowns, "I bet Sirius would know." He says sadly and falls back on his bed. "Let's ask Sirius."

"You are one persistent bastard," Peter chuckles, "leave the gloomy guts alone, how many times do I have to say that?! Are you sure you're shagging the right Black brother? You seem pretty enamoured with Padfoot, you should try hopping into the bed with him instead."

James snorts and throws a pillow at him. "Jeez Pete, you don't pull those punches, eh? Oh, sorry, Remus. I only mean Peter—"

"It's fine James." Remus dismisses him with a wave of the hand. 

"Right, anyway... the prank?" Peter claps his hands together, "it has to be good enough for us to get Monday off. I was thinking why don't we confound the professors?"

"What?! Peter!!" Remus says completely taken off guard, he bursts out laughing and falls on his back and clutching his side. "You absolute lunatic!"

"It's not a bad idea!" Peter defends himself, crossing his arms. "Can't teach if they're confused. They wouldn't be able to counter it either, foolproof!"

"You're mad, Wormtail." James joins in on Remus's laughter, when the laughter subsides James sits up, "alright you prats, I've got quidditch." James pats Peter on the back before grabbing his kit. "Keep thinking, eh?" 

"I'll come watch, give Moony some quiet time."

They leave before Remus gets the chance to ask about Sirius, he'll be at practice, and that can't be easy. James has scheduled practice every morning and evening this week getting ready for the Hufflepuff VS Gryffindor match. James is usually absolutely nuts when it comes to practice but not twice a day nuts, Remus suspects that it's his not-so-sneaky way of getting alone time with Sirius. They won't technically be alone but it'll be the most they've been around each other for two weeks. Hopefully it works, he's tired of going back and forth between the two. 

Now, prank ideas. Remus has none, which is very un-Remus of him. Usually, he's full of ideas to create chaos.

He needs to think somewhere less stuffy.

He crawls out of his comfortable sheets and makes his way down to the common room, he heads past the group of students gathered on the couches and stops when he hears his name called. 

"Remus!" Marlene jumps up from her spot on the couch, "where are you off to?"

"Not sure really, I need to clear my head. Want to join?" 

"Gods yes," she leans in and whispers, "I love Lily, I do but I don't think I can take another minute of listening to her list of the ingredients for Felix Felicis. I think she's gone mad." Remus hums in agreement and offers his arm, she takes it and they head out of the portrait together. "Not all of us can punch someone when they're being annoying." She elbows him playfully, "how are you? We haven't caught up for a bit."

"Low blow McKinnon. I didn't punch him because he was annoying, I punched him because—"

"I've heard so many different reasons, someone said he was snogging Lils right in front of you and you were jealous." Marlene makes a gagging noise, "I don't even want to imagine Lily kissing Snape. Ew." She shutters. "Someone else said he was making fun of your dad. There's more, I want to hear the truth though. Lily goes dead-eyed every time someone tries to bring it up. Poor thing."

"If he was making fun of my father I'd probably join in, he was a right prick. He called Lily a... well Pete called it the M word."

Marlene looks at him confused then gasps. "That fucker." 

"That's what James said." Remus chuckles, "wait, speaking of James. Aren't you supposed to be at practice?" 

"I'm bunking off. Absolutely nothing good can come from double practice a day. Potter is obsessed with winning. Want to go watch though?" 

"I'd love nothing more," Remus replies sarcastically. "c'mon, I have somewhere better. Hungry?" 

"Starving."

Remus takes them down to the kitchens, and explains how to get in—tickle the pear, he still thinks Helga Hufflepuff indulged in a little too much weed—and they're met with dozens of house elves who are more than happy to load them with plates of sandwiches, fruits and mugs of butterbeer. They take a tiny table in the corner and start to eat. 

"So what is it then? What's on your mind?" Marlene says through a mouthful of food.

Remus takes a bite of his sandwich and swallows before leaning in, hoping the house elves are keeping their massive ears to themselves, "I did it. I overcame my fears." He watches as Marlene raises an eyebrow, clearly unsure of what he's saying. "Before Christmas, you told me about Dorcas and how she needed to overcome her fears to be with you. Remember now?"

Marlene nods then her eyes widen with realisation, "no fucking way, you're with Sirius? How long??"

"Since before Christmas—ow!" Remus bats Marlene's hand away as she goes for a second smack to the side of his head. 

"Why didn't you tell me??" She throws a piece of her sandwich at him.

Remus throws it back, "suppose I wasn't ready. I'm ready now though. Christ Marls, I love the stupid bastard." 

Marlene gasps and grabs Remus's arm, "you love him?? Have you told him, holy fuck Remus? I didn't think it was that serious!!—shut it, I don't want to hear a Sirius joke, I can see it on the tip of your tongue—Remus, I am so happy for you. You have no idea." Marlene slips her hand into his and squeezes it, "I'm so proud of you love, I really am. You've come so far and I know it's not an easy journey but you did it and I can tell you're happier."

"Oh Marls, that was so cheesy. I love you too, you daft sod."

Marlene digs her nails into his palm, making him wince, then let's go. "I hate you."

Remus rubs his sore palm and huffs, "You were nicer when you were my girlfriend."

"Oh, how times have changed." She winks while taking a big gulp of her butterbeer. She wipes her mouth, "so, have you told him yet?"

"No." He replies simply, suddenly very fascinated with his mug while trying to avoid Marlene's glare. 

"Tell him."

"No."

Marlene groans and flicks his forehead, "fucking hell, you're an idiot."

"Learnt from the best." He replies cheekily. They laugh and finish up their food before heading back to their dorms for the night. 

***

Everyone has their role in the creation of a prank. Generally, whoever thinks up an idea gets to create the plan. They set it in motion, talk logistics and work as team leader. Now when Sirius is the leader he likes to think outside the box, sometimes he does really dumb things (no need to expand on that one) but he’s bloody brilliant when he gets inspired. Peter is smart, he thinks carefully and is good in a panic. James is brave, he’d scale a 100-foot building if it meant a successful prank. Remus thinks in practicality. This idea wasn’t practical. It was dumb. And Remus didn't have any say in it because it was Peter and James who thought it into existence. Remus would never call his friends brainless, not in so many words but when James and Peter banded together to create a prank they’re not exactly… clever. That’s where Sirius would have come in, he would have stopped them... probably or at least talked James down a bit.

But when someone is missing, the dynamics get thrown away and it becomes chaos. 

“I’m sorry but can someone tell me again, what’s the point of this?” Remus pleaded, the prank was fully set up and there was no going back in their minds. 

Peter throws his hands up in exasperation, “adventure! Laughs! Gold! Just because! You name it, not everything needs a reason.” 

James nods in solidarity with Peter, “exactly Wormy. Your lack of imagination is not our fault, Remus. This is a fantastic plan.” 

“You’re going to get us caught, both of you. Have you ever handled a Niffler before? Do you know how to control it?"

“That's why we’re going to train them,” James says pointedly, they’re annoyed with him. They have had this discussion three times in the past week. It’s a really dumb plan. 

“James,” Remus groans out of frustration, he gets up and pulls his Care of Magical Creatures textbook off the shelf and opens it, he turns the book towards James and Peter, he reads out loud, “'wreak havoc if left loose.' They can’t be tamed in three days you, nitwit!” 

“Moony, you're being a spoilsport.” Peter walks over, takes the book out of his hand and throws it to James who promptly throws it out the window.

“JAMES!” Remus jumps off his bed and runs to the window, looking down. “What the fuck! I get why Sirius thumped you one now—“ Remus snaps his head towards James who’s now lost the mischievous look in his eye “I’m sorry mate, I didn’t mean that. I—I don’t give a toss about that textbook, really. No harm done” 

James rubs under his eye, which has now lost the bruises and nods, “I know.” He clears his throat and claps his hands together, putting a cheerful smile back onto his face. “Anyways. Nifflers.” 

***

"Moony, I fancy you quite a bit but I just might never speak to you again if you talk about this damned prank one more time, I get it you don't like it but please for the love of Merlin. Shut up." Sirius groans, having eventually hit a breaking point. 

To be fair to Sirius, he had been complaining about the prank for the past 15 minutes. It was a really bad idea. One Niffler let loose in school is manageable but Peter had suggested three, just in case and James had agreed. Three Nifflers to steal the two gold teeth out of the mouth of Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Professor Cobris. It literally made no sense. It was like James and Peter had been dropped on their heads and decided to think of the most useless, outlandish prank. Peter wanted a prank to get him off classes on Monday, this wouldn't. It made no sense!! Every time he'd ask why they would reply with, 'it's funny' or 'we don't need a reason.' They were driving him mad, he needed Sirius back.  

"You know, my mum told me to find someone who treats me right. You're not fitting that description right now." Remus grumbles.

Sirius smirks and crawls into his lap, pressing a kiss to the side of his mouth. "I can treat you right, let me shut you up." He whispers, raking his fingers through the hair on the back of his neck. Remus leans into the touch, it's intoxicating being touched by Sirius. No matter how many times he touches him it always feels like the first time, and it's pure bliss. In his inebriated state, he doesn't realise how far he's leaned back until his head collides with the stone wall behind him. They opted to meet in the one-eyed witch tunnel for privacy but Remus knows it's because Sirius doesn't want to see James. What Remus doesn't mention is that Regulus and James spend an awful lot of time here. 

"Ow—christ. Why can't we do this in the dorm?" Remus complains while rubbing the spot. 

Sirius leans over and kisses his nose before grabbing the map and pointing to their dorm. "Peter and the other one are in there. And I have no desire to speak to him. So we'll have to just deal with bumping our heads on cold stone."

"Easy for you to say, your head is unharmed." 

"Poor baby." Sirius coos and drops the map down before cupping Remus's cheeks in his hands with a big, stupid grin. "Want me to make you feel better?"

Yes. The answer is yes. Every day, all day, until the end of time really but Remus had brought Sirius here for a reason, to talk about James. It was getting silly. James had told him that Sirius doesn't listen to him at practice, he does whatever he wants and speaks through other people as if he's an angry child. If he has a question he asks Marlene to ask James, if he has an insult he passes it through Mary (who always delivers), and it was driving poor James mad. 

"You know what would make me feel better?"

Sirius smirks and runs his fingers down to Remus's belt, starting to pull on it. "I have a few ideas."

Shite, it's incredibly difficult to do the right thing when Sirius Black is unbuttoning your trousers. Remus clears his throat and ignores every thought in his brain before pulling Sirius's hand away. "I want you to talk to James." Sirius looks surprised but quickly scowls, "Don't give me that look, this is important. You two have to settle this, it's getting out of hand. You're never in the dorm anymore besides to sleep, you act like a child whenever James is anywhere near, I literally saw you trip Regulus the other day and pretend you didn't. It can't go on and I'm sick of it, call me mad but I want all my friends together again. Maybe if you were around those gits wouldn't be planning to let loose three Nifflers into a castle filled to the brim with shiny things—"

"—Remus—" Sirius tried to interrupt but Remus continues. 

"—And you're going to fuck up the quidditch match if don't start communicating. No one will forgive you for that, you'll be the number one Gryffindor enemy and I know for a fact you'll hate that. Don't tell me you don't miss him because I can tell when you're pouting, you get a ridiculous look on your face whenever you see him laughing with Peter or joking around with me. I know it's not easy ignoring him. Christ, it's like you two are going through a breakup—"

"—Remus—"

"—Do I have to withhold me from you until you two talk? Because I will. Wait, is that a punishment for me? Er, scratch that one. But I will be cold to you and I'll stop doing that thing you like, you know, this—" Remus cups his neck and with his thumb he starts to rub a gentle circle behind Sirius's ear, successfully making a moan fall from his lips and his eyes flutter close. Remus pulls away and Sirius whimpers in disappointment. "Yeah, that."

"Listen," Sirius snaps, "you can't force me to magically be okay with James! He's fucking my brother! I will never be okay with it. I will never forgive him for it. I'm so very sorry if all of this is an inconvenience for you," he says, not sounding sorry at all. "But I won't be changing my mind any time soon, so you'll just have to deal with it." Sirius huffs, removing himself from Remus's lap and crossing his arms. 

The best thing about James and Sirius is that they're inseparable, they're two souls that are made for each other, old friends that were crafted in the hopes to meet and become complete together. They were meant to be together, not romantically by any means, just meant to be. 

"I hate this," Remus sighs. 

Sirius plays with Remus's sleeve, picking off nonexistent pieces of fluff. "Yeah well, I hate James."

"No, you don't. Don't say that."

Sirius shrugs and lays his head on Remus's shoulder, "let's talk about something else, yeah?"

Remus can tell by the way Sirius has sunk into his shoulder that he's tired, defeated and he knows he's lost without James. The one person in this world who can complete him in a way no romantic partner could ever, Remus should be jealous really but he isn't, romance isn't the only reason souls are brought together. He's stuck in the middle right now because he'd do anything for James but he'd also do anything for Sirius, Sirius lets out a mournful sigh and Remus decides fine, at this moment Sirius wins. "Alright, what do you suggest?"

Sirius sits up, lifting his head and shifting so they're knees are touching, "I believe I promised to show you where my tattoo is." Sirius starts to unbutton his shirt, "start exploring, Starman."

It's impossible to say no to that. 

Later, after having thoroughly explored Sirius, whose little star tattoo decorates his hip beautifully (it's one of Remus's favourite spots now), Remus heads back to their room. Leaving Sirius back in the tunnel, he said he wanted to meet Mary for a study session but he wasn't fooling anybody there. Remus doesn't challenge him, he's decided to let Sirius come to James when he's ready even if that does add more stress to their lives. 

Remus is walking on clouds, blissfully dizzy from the hours spent pushed up, kissing and touching Sirius. When he returns to the room feeling high off of Sirius Black, he's unable to hear the frantic shouting of James and Peter as he enters, swinging the door open without a care in the world.

"NO! Fuck, shit, bollocks!!" Peter shouts, pushing past Remus to dive down in an attempt to grab something scurrying out the door.  

Remus shakes his head, snapping himself out of his daze to take in the situation. The door has been slammed shut and Peter is leaning up against it, breathing heavily. James has his hands full with three black rodents trying frantically to escape his grasp. "Nifflers?! What the hell! You were supposed to wait for me!" Something sprints over his feet and Remus jumps back, four more Nifflers are running around the floor. The one Peter dove for is trying its best to burrow inside Sirius's dresser and as James opens his mouth to say something the three burst out of his grasp and run off. "What the hell!" Remus repeats, lost for words.

James runs around the dorm, trying to pick up the little rodents as he lets out a worried whimper, "it's hard to explain!"

"So make it easy!" Remus shoots back.

He stops, one Niffler in his arms. "Alright, um. Pete and I were looking for you, honest, but we couldn't find you then we assumed you were hiding somewhere with Sirius and we didn't want to interrupt that. Anyways, we were down for lunch and heard Professor Kettleburn tell Hagrid that he'd got the shipment of Nifflers in and—" 

"And," Peter continues as James tries to stuff a Niffler back into the cage, unsuccessfully. "We couldn't waste a moment, after we looked for you we ran upstairs to grab the cloak and went right down to the Care of Magical Creatures classroom and took them."

"Okay," Remus runs his hands down his face, exasperated. "we—you two agreed on three. Why do I count eight?" 

"Er..." James runs his fingers through his hair, swallowing nervously, "because we lost two of them somewhere along the way..."

"What?!" 

Peter scrunches up his nose, "we were only going to take three but they were all in one cage and—well we couldn't figure out a way to bring them up without letting some lose and hence the two that went missing, trial and error and all that..."

"Oh my god," Remus says, letting out a breath. He jumps back again when one tries to crawl up his leg, "get off!" He lifts it and drops it on James's bed. "You two can deal with this yourselves, I'm going to go back to Sirius. Christ." He says while rubbing his head which was now throbbing, indicating a very soon-to-be headache. 

"Wait!" James says while shaking a Niffler upside down, gold pieces of jewelry start falling out of his pouch. "Any ideas on how to wrangle them?"

Now when Remus said he'd never call his friends brainless he meant it, at the time... now he's very proudly pinning that label on them. His friends are utterly brainless. "Put something sparkly in the cage." He says flatly, he could blame the chaos on their brainlessness but no, he won't give them that benefit right now. 

Peter snaps his fingers, "you're a damn genius, Moony!"

"You two are on prank planning time out." 

Peter and James nod in understanding before grabbing the items that fell out of one of the Niffler's pouch, they drop them in the cage and start to herd the Nifflers towards it. Remus shakes his head in disbelief, letting out a little chuckle before opening the door slightly, squeezing through trying not to let any out.

"I kinda want to keep one!" James says to Peter as Remus shuts the door. 

***

James Potter is one of Remus' favourite people on the planet, he's kind and generous, he puts his heart into everything he does, and he's saved Remus's life on more than one occasion—literally. Remus would do anything for him if he asked because James would do the exact same, that's just how much he loves him. Yet at five in the morning, Remus can't help but absolutely despise the stupid bastard who's just ripped open his bed curtains, climbed onto his bed without sparing a glance at Remus who was dead asleep next to Sirius, then promptly starts jumping up and down on the bed, screeching "GO GO GRYFFINDOR!!!GO GO GRYFFINDOR!!" 

"What the?" Sirius mumbles confusedly into Remus's chest. He lifts his head and turns it towards James who is still jumping on the bed, not noticing the two laying in the bed. Sirius instantly sits up, looking as if he's about to burst into flames. "James! You tosser. Get the fuck off the bed and shut the fuck up!" Sirius yells at him, glaring daggers.

James stops instantly and looks down at him with wide eyes, horrified. "Shit, I'm sorry Sirius. I didn't know you were in here, I was just trying to wake Remus up to help me before the match, I—"

"Fuck off, you twat!" Sirius shouts, he leans over to Remus's bedside table, reaching for a wand that isn't there. "You're lucky this isn't my bed," he hisses, "or else your face would be covered in bee-stings right now!" 

James scrambles off the bed, almost falling straight on his face before correcting himself and running out of the dorm, shouting a quick, "Remus, meet me in the common room," over his shoulder. 

"Completely uncalled for." Remus scolds him while getting out of bed, Sirius makes a pathetic whining noise and starts to pull him back into his arms, "let go Padfoot, I need to help James." 

Sirius lets out a huff and pulls him down onto his back, Sirius climbs on top of him and straddles his lap. "Stay for a bit, let's have some morning glory." He says lowly, running his finger along a scar on Remus's chest. 

It's tempting. It's very tempting but Remus made a promise to James in second year. One that he is currently regretting with every fibre of his being. James made the quidditch team his second year, he was the youngest member which meant it was his duty to set up the brooms. Each team member told James exactly where and how they wanted their brooms and he was to do it early before anyone got down to the pitch. James was so anxious for his first game that he had asked Remus to help him, Remus felt so much guilt looking the nervous wreck in the eye and saying no that he accidentally blurted out "I'd love to!" and he's been doing it ever since. They found out later that it was an initiation prank, of course, but James is a superstitious player and to the dismay of Remus they had won that match. Every time Remus helped out, they won and every time he didn't, they lost. James had declared Remus a good luck charm and that's how Remus finds himself dragged out of bed at ungodly hours before every house match to meticulously set up brooms for no reason. It was completely needless work but Remus means it when he said he'd do anything for James Fleamont Potter.

Remus wraps his arm around Sirius's back and flips him over, Sirius smirks up and Remus presses a quick kiss to his lips. "I'll take a raincheck on that glory." Remus quickly gets out of bed before Sirius has time to stop him. He gets dressed and goes back to the bed to give him another kiss, Sirius accepts it reluctantly. 

"Wanker." Sirius crosses his arms. 

Remus winks at him, "can't wait to see you in that quidditch uniform, good luck today. Do win for me." He waves him off to meet James downstairs. James is splayed out on the couch with a frown on his face. "Ready mate?" Remus asks gently, being cursed out by his best friend isn't the best way to start the day. 

"Oh, yeah. C'mon then." James says but doesn't make a move to stand up.

Remus walks over and sits down on the floor opposite him, "what's one good thing that happened this week?" It's a question that always works on James, as far as Remus knows James hasn't figured out that's how he distracts him sometimes from his sour moods.

James stares at the ceiling as a smile appears on his face. "Regulus brought me flowers. Flowers." He laughs, "It was the sweetest thing that has ever happened to me, I swear. He came to the library and dropped a beautiful bouquet in front of me, roses and daisies along with chrysanthemums, they were bound together with red and green vines. Remus, it was so adorable. Do you know why he brought them?"

"Why?"

"He said we've been officially dating for two months. My first thought was shit, how did I not know that?? And then he told me not to breathe a word of this to anyone, so I guess I sort of screwed that one up. I still haven't gotten him a gift yet, I'm a terrible boyfriend."

Remus chuckles and gets off the floor, he extends his hand, "Regulus will be in that crowd cheering you on, I bet the best gift you can give him is winning that match. He'll be proud of you and probably say something after that will be so romantic it'll make me want to be sick, like with that flower story. Now c'mon Prongs, we've got some unnecessary broom set up to do."

Before James hesitates to grab his hand, in a small voice he says, "I'm scared that Sirius and I will never be the same, I'm so scared that I've lost him, Remus."

Remus is scared too, it's never been this bad between the two of them, not even after "the incident" last year. It's bad and Remus has no idea how either of them will mend this bridge but he can't say that, not when James is so fragile right now, "things have a way of working themselves out, it might take a little bit but you two will be back to yourselves before you know it, I can feel it."

James smiles and takes his hand, he gets up from the couch and he throws his arm around his shoulder while they walk down to the pitch together, "Remus, I hope you know that you're one of the most important people in my life."

Remus can't hide the big smile that is blossoming on his face, "yeah, yeah. You're not so bad yourself."

"I'm going to bother you until we're old and grey. I'll be planning stupid pranks with you, Peter and Sirius, and we'll listen to you complain about it while going along with it like you always do and having the best time of your life." 

Remus wanted nothing more than that to be true. 

After setting up Remus leaves James to let him practice alone before the match. He makes his way to the library to check out a book to read during the match if he had to spend a ridiculously long time in the freezing cold supporting his house, then he'd do it with a good book in his hand. He's searching through the muggle literature section when he feels a tap on his shoulder, he turns around and Lily is standing there looking uncomfortable. He hasn't spoken to her in too long, "oh, hi Lils."

It's not that he hasn't apologised profusely for what he did with Snape, he has but Lily doesn't want to accept it. Maybe she can tell he doesn't mean it, it's more complicated than that though. He knows he shouldn't have hit him and he knows that he should have stopped but he's not apologising for that, he's apologising for upsetting Lily and she doesn't seem to want to accept that. 

"Remus." Lily says, she's looking at her feet, "you're up early." 

"Er yeah, I usually help James set up on match days."

"Oh." 

Remus scratches the back of his neck trying to think of something to say, when did it become so awkward talking to one of your best friends? 

"Will you sit with me today?" Lily asks slowly as if it's hard to get the words out.

"Of course," Remus says quickly, worried she might take it back. Finally, he thinks, she's forgiven him.

"I—Snape called me it again," She says sadly, "it's silly to have thought he could ever change. I'm not saying it's okay for what you did but I'd be an awful hypocrite if I was still angry at you for that." 

Remus tilts his head, confused until a small smirk ghosts her lips. "Oh my god Lily, you didn't?"

"I might have given him a little smack, nothing like yours of course, but it did feel pretty good. I think he's got the message now, I'm done with him." 

Lily Evans is a force to be reckoned with. 

They do sit together along with Peter, Lily who sits in the middle of the two and supplies them with hot chocolate, heavenly cinnamon biscuits made by Mary, and warming spells that make him want to worship the ground she walks on. Usually, both Remus and Lily hate watching quidditch and avoid it like the plague but they would be lying if they said they weren't a little excited for this match, if the team won they'd move on to the finals for the quidditch cup. The stands are practically vibrating with anticipation, red and yellow are far as the eye can see. When each team enters the pitch, everyone starts jumping up and down, cheering in the stands. It's exhilarating and despite their mutual disdain for the game, Remus and Lily find themselves cheering along with everyone, screaming "Go Go Gryffindor!"

When the teams take their positions, Madam Hooch blows her whistle and they mount their brooms, ready for kick-off. When Madam Hooch blows her whistle for the second time each player kicks off and shoots up into the air, and the crowd erupts with cheers. Within moments Mary gets possession of the quaffle and gets it through the hoop, Lily screams. "Yes! Mary! That's my girl!!" And the crowd goes absolutely wild as James two minutes later gets another goal. Sirius scores a goal after and Remus takes the time to admire him in his quidditch kit, if there was only one good thing about quidditch, it is Sirius Black in that uniform. 

When a Hufflepuff boy called Grant scores Remus cheers, Lily smacks his arm and whispers, "traitor!" but he can’t help it. Grant is one of the kindest people he knows, he always helps him in herbology and laughs at his stupid jokes, he was undeniably handsome, and his smile was crooked and charming. If Remus really thinks about it, Grant was his first crush. He didn’t know it at the time but before he saw Sirius in that way it was Grant. Maybe in another life, he’d get a chance with him but Remus had Sirius and he was so happy. 

Speaking of Sirius, he blows past James on his broom, knocking James a bit as he reaches for the quaffle. He snatches it right from James's grasp and throws it through the middle goal hoop, the crowd explodes into cheers but Remus doesn’t. Even from this distance, he can see James’s face drop. 

"An interesting show of sportsmanship from the dynamic Gryffindor duo James Potter and Sirius Black as they share that goal! Ten points to Gryffindor!" 

Lily stops clapping as James still doesn't move, “what’s wrong with James? Why is he just hovering there?” Lily says, grasping Remus’s arm. “Is he okay?”   

“He’ll recover, he’s okay.” He’s not, Remus can tell. It’s like he’s frozen in the air, the only thing moving is his eyes as he follows Sirius’s movements around the pitch. Remus leans over to look at Peter whose mouth is open wide as he watches James. 

"Oh thank god,” she sighs as Mary flies over to him, she says something throwing her arms around wildly then shakes her head and flies away. “Mary! ugh, why did she give up?” 

“I don’t know, she’s got a job to do too," Peter says, his eyes shift to Sirius who is showboating doing laps around the pitch before going back to chasing the quaffle against Grant, they bump into each other a few times and eventually Sirius grabs it, attempting another score but misses. Grant catches it and scores, Remus wants to cheer again but his focus returns to James who is still dormant. Marlene flies over towards James and bats a bludger away that almost took James's head off, he doesn't even flinch. 

"What the fuck!" Remus jumps up onto his feet, "he's going to get himself injured if he doesn't move!" Remus snaps his attention back to Sirius who is still having a pissing contest with Grant, Sirius scores and Grant gives him a big smile and flies off, the pissing contest seemingly one-sided. Sirius doesn't notice James hovering on the spot. 

It happens fast, Remus wasn't even sure what was happening until the entire pitch went silent and he saw it. The Hufflepuff's beater zooms towards James, headed for the bludger about to hit one of his teammates. He hadn't noticed James, probably too focused on the bludger, and he collides right into him. The Hufflepuff quickly catches himself and flies off for the bludger but James...

James is falling and nobody is catching him.

Chapter Text

It’s entirely possible that Sirius Black has gone mad. Thoroughly lost the plot. Completely and utterly batshit. Because there is no way that James Potter is actually fucking his brother. No way.

So when Sirius opened an unassuming letter filled with disgustingly heartfelt words on a piece of paper dedicated to James from his brother, he didn’t actually read that, that was a complete figment of his imagination. Clearly.

And when James had admitted the whole thing to him, he didn’t actually admit it, that had been a complete figment of his imagination. Clearly.

And when Sirius had broken James's nose in anger, he didn’t actually break anything, it was a complete figment of his imagination… clearly.

Except if it was all imagined then why is James sneaking around? Why does he always have the map and the cloak at night? Why can't James look him in the eye? Why aren't they talking anymore? Why does he get the overwhelming urge to break James's face every time he sees him?

Fuck. It isn't his imagination, this is real. 

Well, at least he isn't mad. If anything good was to come of this revolution then it would be his sane mind, although it was very rapidly declining towards insanity because James Potter is dating Regulus Black. Every time he thinks or says it, his skin crawls. Nobody seems to grasp how beyond fucked up this entire situation is.

Nothing, NOTHING, will make Sirius forgive James. 

How could he? There was a clear line in the sand when it came to friends and siblings, it was an unwritten no-no. The ultimate betrayal. James deserves love, of course, there's no denying that. That bastard is all heart and Sirius thought that heart belonged to Lily Evans but apparently, James had his eye on something a little more... related to Sirius... 

Regulus Black... WHY?! Fine, James likes blokes, who cares? Sirius likes blokes, blokes are great. But why this specific one? Why Regulus? There are hundreds of attractive men at Hogwarts, it makes zero sense. Regulus Black has no redeeming qualities, he's a little snake who bites ankles and laughs about it. 

Alright fine, Regulus has one or two good qualities, like the way his nose crinkles when Sirius manages to get a laugh out of him or the way he bounces a little when he talks about something he's passionate about or how deeply he cares about the people he considers his friends. Regulus can be a handful, a bastard, a brat, all of the above but he's still his brother. He loves the little twerp and he'd be happy for Regulus if he found someone he could love but... James?! Why?!

Thank god for Remus Lupin, at this point if he didn't have Remus he would have definitely murdered the pair of them. He'd welcome Azakban at this point if it meant that Regulus could get his claws out of James.

Merlin, he really is going mad. 

Remus is the perfect distraction, his lips, his hands, his smile, his laugh, him. Simply him. Although he has an annoying little habit of mentioning James every time they're together, whether it's accidentally bringing up something that annoyed him, made him laugh, or purposely trying to force a reunion. It's irritating. Generally, though he can distract him in a few different ways, ones that are beneficial for both of them... oh how he loves distracting Remus Lupin.

Distractions are bliss but when he leaves and Sirius is left sitting alone, he gets angry again. He wants to snap, he wants to do irrational things that get James as angry as he is.

He tried to get him where it hurt. The quidditch team. He wanted to quit the team, leave it all behind so he could spend the least amount of time with James as possible but Peter had knocked some sense into Sirius about that one, literally. Peter reminded him of how hard he fought to stay on the team after his misguided prank with Snape last year, he didn't play a single match that year, he was benched but at least he hadn't lost his spot. He'd die before giving it up, but that was before. He was so close too, outside of McGonagall's office ready to say a big speech about how he wanted nothing to do with the team when Peter walked by and asked what he was doing, Sirius told him and Peter without hesitation slapped him across the back of the head and told him to "take a nap and stop being a fuckwit." It worked, under threat of another smack. 

But that didn't mean he had to be civil with James, and Godric knows he isn't. He's admittedly maybe a little cruel at times. He knows how much it hurt James to be ignored but the bastard deserves to be punished. 

So yes, they're supposed to be a team and they're supposed to work together, Sirius isn't supposed to be treating James as if he was on the opposing team but it's hard not to. They're on opposing teams in real life now, why not in quidditch as well?

That's how things get out of hand, quickly. 

He throws himself in front of James to steal the quaffle right out of his hands because maybe it was enough for James to stop fucking trying, a reminder that they were no longer on the same team, they will never be on the same team again. James knows it, Sirius sees his face when he snatchs it. Heartbreak. And yes, it hurt. He can be the bigger man and admit that it hurts to say goodbye to all those years of friendship, of brotherhood but James started it. James must have known the moment that he set eyes on Regulus that it was the end for Sirius and him, there was no going back from that moment. 

He doesn't give it another thought, he tears his eyes away from his broken old friend and back to the game. He scores his goal and the crowd loves him for it. He indulges the cheering by flying laps near the stands, reaching out to high-five a couple of people. One of the Hufflepuff chasers is following him now, obviously trying to steal his glory. He shouts at him to "piss off" to which the idiot only replies with "names Grant!" As if Sirius gave a toss. Sirius tries to shake him but he keeps following, Grant steals the quaffle twice and scores once which drives Sirius mad. 

Sirius finally gets control of the quaffle again, scores and as he's about to take another lap to appease the crowd, he stops. The stands are quiet. Did they not just see that wicked goal? He scans the stands for Remus, if anybody saw his goal it would be Remus. Much to Sirius's disappointment, Remus isn't watching him. He's staring in horror with his hand over his mouth, Sirius shifts his attention to others in the stands, they're all sharing the expression, Sirius follows the direction when he sees why everyone is staring. It's James... he's—no. He's falling. 

James is falling off his broom, how? James is a god on his broom. As he watches James fall, he's almost certain everything slows down. Time is in slow motion. And he can't help but think for just one moment,

Good. The universe is paying you back for what you've done to me. Justice.

No... this isn't justice.

Because James is falling, it's not in slow motion, he's plummeting to the ground and every one is frozen. No one is going for him. 

So he dives. 

The air feels as if it's cutting his skin as he shoots forward, diving for James. 

And he leans forward to catch him but he can't quite reach, pure panic induces inside Sirius. What if he can't get James? He's going to—no. Sirius throws himself off his broom to catch his best friend, relief washes over him as he grips him in his arms a few feet from the ground. When they collide with the turf Sirius holds James protectively, making sure as they tumble that James doesn't touch the ground. At some point during the fall, Sirius lets go and they're both laying flat on their backs. Sirius is fine, maybe a bit bruised but fine. A laugh bubbles out of his throat, he looks over to laugh with James but he's not laughing or smiling or saying something ridiculous about the situation.

He's still. 

Too still.  

Sirius tries not to look at the river of blood streaming from James's cracked head as he rushes over, pulling James into his arms. 

He's cold, so fucking cold. 

No, it's—he can't be. James is... no, he can't be dead. 

His ears are ringing and his lungs are on fire, people are screaming around him. No, it's him. He's screaming, he's screaming his best friend's name and James isn't saying anything. 

It's an eclipse, the sun is gone and there's nothing that can be done. It's dark and Sirius is fucking horrified. 

"Out of my way!" A loud voice booms into his ear, the figure is trying to rip James out of his arms. 

"No! NO!" Sirius shouts, holding onto James's limp body, "you can't take him!" They can’t take him because if they do he’ll be gone forever, Sirius can't fathom a world without James Potter. The world would simply stop spinning, it would fall in on itself.

"Mr. Black, let go of Mr. Potter immediately!" Another voice screeches, they're still trying to take him. Why?! They can't take him. 

Sirius cries out his name, "James!" He shakes him, why won't he just wake up?! "No, he can’t be—he can’t be!" Sirius drops his head, weeping. People are shouting at him now, he doesn't care. He doesn't care that people are watching him, he doesn't care about anything anymore because James Potter is gone. Fuck. He only sees James now, everything else is black, it's a sick joke that the universe is playing on him. It's laughing at him, telling him it's his fault for wanting this. He didn't want this, he didn't. 

Someone lays a hand on his back, he's about to flinch away when he feels small circles being rubbed in. He hears his name being whispered and turns to see his beautiful guardian angel, Remus. He looks pale and upset but despite that, he's doing his best to calm Sirius down, Remus gives him a small, comforting smile "Sirius, love. You need to let go of James." He's whispering still, "he needs to go with Madam Pomfrey."

Sirius shakes his head, "he's—he's dead Moony, he's gone."

“No, he’s not, he’s just unconscious.” Remus sits down beside him, he takes Sirius's hand, seemingly unphased by the eyes on them and places his fingers on James's neck. “Do you feel that? His heartbeat?”

Sirius focuses hard but feels nothing, "no! He’s dea—“ under his shaky fingers, he feels it, thump thump, a heartbeat. “James!” Sirius gasps, he’s alive. 

"C’mon," he says, without Sirius noticing Remus had taken James out of his arms, "let’s get him to the infirmary so he can laugh at us for crying.” Remus nods at someone and James is lifted into the air, Madam Pomfrey looks at Sirius with so much pity that it makes him feel small. James is gone in moments and the crowd begins to disperse. "Sirius?" Remus offers his hand and he takes it gratefully, allowing Remus to pull him off the ground.

Without caring about the people around them again, Remus pulls him into a tight hug. The hug lasts for a while, he isn't complaining. With each second he felt the tension melt away, James is alive and Remus is here, comforting him in the open. He feels as if he finally has permission to breathe again so he does, a long breath that he was sure he'd been holding since the moment James fell. When Remus pulls away he wipes a tear from under Sirius's eye, "Peter went ahead, he shouldn't leave him alone with Pomfrey for too long or she might transfigure him into a shoe."

Sirius laughs, despite himself. Remus surprises Sirius by holding his hand and leading him to the hospital wing. Sirius doesn't complain, he doesn't say a word about it in fear of Remus letting go. Remus is the only reason he's standing straight right now, his anchor, if he lets go then Sirius would surely drown. 

When they reach the doors of the infirmary Sirius stops and drops his hand which causes Remus to give him a strange look that Sirius doesn't understand, the look quickly leaves his face and is replaced with another comforting smile, "ready?"

"I can't go in. I can't go in, I can't. Remus, I—this is my fault. He's—James almost died! Because of me!"

Remus shakes his head, "Sirius, you're the reason he's alive right now. You caught him—"

"I didn't! I had him in my arms and I let go!"

"I saw how fast to flew to catch him. Christ, I thought you were going to crash before you got there from speed alone. You tried so hard and you had him, you can't blame yourself for letting go when you were both on the ground, Sirius you're being too hard on yourself."

Sirius lets out a frustrated groan, of course Remus wouldn't let him blame himself. It is his fault, he was being a dick. If he just played the game normally then James would be fine. Why did he have to turn it into some sort of ridiculous lesson? 

He could never admit to Remus for just a fleeting moment he thought that James had deserved it, he'll never say those words out loud because then he'd be a monster. He is a monster, he's known he was for years, but did he want Remus to know it? For James and Peter to look at him in disgust? No. Sirius will never forgive himself for thinking that.

"Let's go in Sirius, please," Remus says softly, he knows he was being selfish. Remus wants to see James, he wants to make sure he was safe just as much as Sirius wants to stay far away. 

Sirius leans his back against the wall, steading himself. "You can go in, I'll wait out here." 

Remus shakes his head and leans against the wall beside him, "I'll wait with you."

"Moon—"

"Nope. If you're not going in, I'm not," Remus says defiantly. 

Stubborn bastard. 

Two can play at that game. Sirius crosses his arms and rests his head on the wall, staring up at a portrait of a valiant knight. He starts to tap his fingers impatiently while he watches the knight chat up a maiden, trying his hardest not to think about the forever loop the two of them are in. All the portraits, really. Almost like a piece of their soul is stuck, forever. He would hate to have his portrait taken, his parents had hired a painter to do his portrait last year, he'd be stuck in the walls of Grimmauld Place if he hadn't run away. He never wants to return to that house, not in person nor in portrait. He would be lying if he didn't fear the same for Regulus, who hates the house as much as he does but is far better at hiding it. 

Ah fuck, this waiting game is making him think too hard. He hates thinking. 

"Fine," Sirius groans, pushing off the wall and turning to Remus he glares at his smug little expression. "Don't." He puts his hand in front of his face to block him, if Remus isn't careful with those looks he might just snog his stupid face right here in the open. 

Remus puts his hands up in surrender and opens the door for him, letting Sirius walk in first. Sirius stops in place when he sees James, laying there with his eyes closed. He almost looks like he's asleep, except James doesn't sleep like this. He's not peaceful, he snores and thrashes like a mad man, sometimes he sings in his sleep which is aggravating and endearing at the same time. It was nothing like this. If he didn't believe in the healing power of Madam Pomfrey he would have thought he was dead, again. Remus places his hand on his back to help guide him towards James and before he knows it, he's standing at the foot of the bed staring down at his unconscious friend.

"Why isn't he awake?" Madam Pomfrey isn't around so he directs his question to Peter who is sitting on a chair beside the bed.

Peter shrugs, "Pomfrey said he should be awake by now. He's been healed, he's just not waking up."

"What? Why not? Where is Pomfrey?!"

"She's talking to James's parents." 

Thank Merlin, he needs an Effie hug right about now. No. He doesn't deserve one, he did this to James. 

Remus brings over a couple of chairs and encourages Sirius to sit, he does. Sirius silently pleads for James to wake up, sometimes James can read his mind so please please James, wake up. I'm so so so so sorry. Wake up.

He doesn't. 

They sit there in strained silence for what feels like ages but were probably only a few minutes before the doors to the hospital wing burst open with a loud bang. Everyone turns to look at the noise and there stands Regulus. Looking completely devastated and paler than a ghost, he's visibly shaking. He locks eyes with Sirius for a moment before snapping his attention to James, he quickly crosses the room and cups James's face in his hand, tilting it gently to examine him. He lets out a sigh of relief and rests his forehead against James's.

He's one brave motherfucker, Sirius will give him that.  

Sirius clears his throat. Regulus sits up and glares at him. "Don't start, do not fucking start. This," He points to James, "this is your fault!" 

"Oi!" Remus is on his feet, at once, standing in front of Sirius as if he was trying to shield him from Regulus's words. "It's not his fault. This is nobody's fault. It just happened. If you want someone to blame or scream at then go find that bloody beater that hit him. Fuck off if you're going to point your finger at Sirius!"

"It's okay Moony," Sirius says with a sigh, "let him have a go, he's not wrong."

Remus whips around to look at him and furrows his eyebrows, "stop it. Stop it right now, stop blaming yourself. It's quidditch, people get hurt all the time. If you haven't noticed it's a stupid fucking sport! People get injured all the time, this was an accident! Did you mean for this to happen?"

"No."

"Then it's not your fault! So shut it." Remus turns back to Regulus with eyes like fire. "Do you have anything else to say?"

Regulus tilts his chin up defiantly but Remus squared his shoulders and Regulus backs down, "no." Regulus finally says, sitting back down beside James.

The whole protective thing is entirely erotic but now is not the time.

Sirius doesn't notice Madam Pomfrey until she appears at the bedside, he was too busy watching as Regulus strokes James's messy hair. "Well, hello. A new member to the James Potter fan club, I see." She smiles sweetly at Regulus who only scowls and turns back to James. Pomfrey tuts and turns to the other three, "Euphemia and Fleamount Potter will be here shortly, you're all very welcome to stay. Pl—"

"Why is he still unconscious?" Regulus interrupts. 

"It's hard to say—"

Regulus turns to look at Pomfrey with such fury that Sirius almost flinches, he looks so much like their mother when he makes that face. "What kind of mediwitch are you? You don't know?!" 

"Regulus," Sirius warns.

"I understand your frustrations, Mr. Black. Unfortunately, there are many uncertainties when it comes to healing. A head injury isn't always fixed with a simple spell or potion." Pomfrey says while performing a diagnostic spell on James, she lets out a thoughtful hum and clears it away. "He's healing well." 

"Then why isn't he awake?!" Regulus explodes, throwing himself up. This time Sirius can't stop himself from flinching away, Remus notices and squeezes his knee gently. How many times can he thank the gods for Remus Lupin before they get annoyed with him?

"Mr. Black. If you don't settle down this instant, I will have you removed from—" Madam Pomfrey starts but Sirius cuts in. 

"Poppy," Pomfrey tsks at his use of her first name but he continues, "let me take Reg on a little walk and cool him down." Pomfrey nods stiffly and returns to her office. Remus raises an eyebrow at Sirius as if to ask if he should join, Sirius shakes his head and resists kissing him because he doesn't want to shock Regulus.

Regulus scoffs as Sirius stands up from his chair, "you're not seri—you're joking, right? I'm not leaving him right now." 

"You really don't want to be on Poppy's bad side, she's an angel until you cross her. Don't want a pissed-off nurse healing you, do you?" 

Regulus narrows his eyes at him but eventually gives up and heads towards the door without looking back to see if Sirius is following, he is, of course. Regulus stops outside Pomfrey's office and knocks loudly before Sirius can stop him, "how much time do we have?" She opens her mouth to respond. "until he wakes up?" Regulus clarifies. "I want to be there when he wakes up."

Pomfrey sighs and Sirius doesn't blame her, she had just told him she didn't know. "As I've said, it is uncertain—Mr. Black, please let me finish." She says quickly as Regulus starts to interrupt, "it could be hours, days, weeks. At this point, he is healed physically, the block is mental. I am no mind healer but I can tell you that if he wanted to be awake, he would be. Perhaps the trauma of the fall could have triggered this response but I can't say for certain."

Oh. 

This is his fault. 

Remus would yell at him if he could hear his thoughts. But even he can't deny this. It is his fault. Say if he doesn't believe it was his fault that James fell (it is) then it would be his fault that James doesn't want to wake up. 

He needs air, now. 

Without thinking he grabs Regulus's arm and pulls him out of the wing and outside, not stopping once even when Mary calls for him. 

"Merlin's sake. Let go of me." When Regulus finally rips himself from Sirius's grip, they're standing out in the evening cold. He grumbles something under his breath while straightening out his robes. 

Sirius takes a deep inhale, allowing the evening chill to fill his lungs then exhales. He has to do that few more times before he can calm himself down, it's not enough. It'll never be enough. 

"Sirius?" Regulus says with a hint of concern in his voice. 

"I'm fine, sorry." He lets out a final shaky breath. "I shouldn't have done that, I—fuck—it's my fault. You're right."

Regulus clears his throat and looks up at the sky, "if you want someone to tell you that you're innocent, you manhandled the wrong person. I'm not going to make you feel better, Sirius."

"I know."

"Right." Regulus nods and leans against the stone wall behind him, allowing silence to wash over them. 

It's weird to look back on what used be feel like life-ending moments, so far in his sixth year, he's had three. Or thought that he'd had three.

1. Kissing Remus and having Remus run away. Fuck was that awful, he truly felt like he was going to die when Remus turned away and ran. He genuinely didn't understand it at the time, he was sure that Remus felt the same way with the number of times they'd flirted or shared secret smiles and stolen glances but apparently not. At that moment Sirius's world had stopped, at first, he thought he was kidding around but when he realised that he wasn't, his world collapsed. It was rough but Remus eventually made his way back to him. 

2. When Remus started to date Marlene because what the fuck was that?? He might still be a teeny bit pissed off about that but he's starting to forgive them, sort of. Marlene likes birds, Remus likes blokes, he shouldn't be upset about it anymore. So he's not, mostly. He secretly still hates the sight of them together. 

3. Finding out about James and Regulus, now that was fucking awful. How does one even begin to explain how that felt? The voice inside his head was screaming no no no please no when he found out. It was scary and confusing and it fucking pissed him off. So, he broke his best friend's nose, on Christmas. It had been the right thing to do, he stands by that. He had it coming, what kind of friend sneaks behind your back with your little brother? James could have asked him, sure Sirius would have told him no but eventually he could have warmed up to the idea, maybe. 

None of that shit matters anymore because James might never wake up, bedridden for the rest of his life because of him. All because he didn't want James to be with his brother, what a stupid fucking reason to throw away years of friendship. But James chose Regulus, knowing that Sirius might never forgive him.

Oh.

The two Black brothers have always been too much for the world, they've had people who tried to be friends with them both but it always ended disastrous. Hell, even his parents couldn't manage two Black brothers, it is always one or the other, how could James have both of them? 

"Sirius?" Regulus taps on his arm, "talk to me, you're worrying me. Silence is never a good sign when it comes to you." 

"You won't hurt him, will you?" Sirius asks in barely a whisper.

"What?"

"You won't hurt James. Tell me, you won't hurt him." 

"I—" Regulus hesitates, "I'll try my hardest not to."

It's not nearly good enough but it's enough to know that Regulus cares about him.

"We're Blacks," Regulus continues. "We break everything we touch, don't we?"

Sirius thinks back to last year, months and months of Remus not looking at him or speaking to him until one day something shifted, it shouldn't have because Sirius ripped every bit of trust Remus had for him into pieces and set them on fire but it did, and he was so fucking relieved.

"Broken things can be repaired," Sirius says then thinks about when—if James ever wakes up, he will never forgive him for this one, Sirius did this to him. "but some things break beyond repair."

Regulus scans his face and sighs, "James won't blame you for this, you haven't broken anything Sirius. You know that, don't you?" Sirius just shrugs so Regulus continues, "James is a saint, when he wakes up the first thing he'll do is look for you, I guarantee it. He'll probably even apologise to you. All he does is talk about you these days, drives me absolutely mad."

Sirius laughs, "all good things, I hope."

"It's always good things," Regulus shakes his head, looking tired thinking about it. "Sometimes I wonder if he's ever able to bitch about you, but so far it's been all annoyingly nice. He loves you. It's gross."

Sirius laughs again before taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, he scrubs his face with his hands before opening his eyes and looking seriously at Regulus, "Listen, I—"

"Oh Merlin, here it comes." Regulus sighs. 

"What?"

"The big brother talk, you know you're supposed to be giving James that speech, not me, I'm your brother," Regulus says, sounding a bit bitter. 

"Yes well, I'll be giving it to him too. Happy?" Regulus makes a grunt of approval before crossing his arms and preparing himself for the talk. "James is—"

"I really tried, Sirius, I really tried not to." 

It takes a moment for Sirius to respond because he was so ready for his big brother speech before Regulus interrupted him, "not to what?"

"To not fall for him. I—fuck I tried so hard. He's consuming, brighter than the fucking sun and the stars, brighter than the galaxy. I knew it would hurt you so I tried, I did but it was so hard not to—it's impossible not to love him. You have to know that, even if yours is a different love. I never understood your connection with him, I was always jealous from the very first time you mentioned his stupid name. But the moment he turned his attention towards me I understood, he's intoxicating." The words fall out of Regulus's mouth and when he stops to inhale, Sirius can see the distress on his face, words that he's only ever thought about and never said out loud spill out of him.

Sirius knows how Regulus keeps everything close to his heart, he tries to never let anything affect him and because of that he cuts people off, he tries not to make deep bonds and he certainly doesn't allow himself to love or be loved. If Regulus loves James, it's real, really real. "You love him?" Sirius asks because he has to know. 

Regulus makes a pained face which Sirius doesn't judge him for, this is a boy who has refused to feel anything for years. "I really do." He eventually whispers. "I'd die for James. I'd put my life on the line for him if it meant him or me, it would be James, every single time." 

Sirius thinks for a moment, would Regulus die for him? He thinks not but Reggie has always been full of surprises, this one included.

"You love him," Sirius repeats, why didn't he think that? Love. Why did he think that Regulus was doing this to spite him? To steal James from him? Because you're selfish. A grating voice says in the back of his head, you're selfish, you want people all to yourself. It's not true. It's not. He wants people to be happy, even if it meant his brother and his best friend (oh fuck). "Okay."

"Okay?" 

Here comes the big brother speech.

"Don't fucking hurt him. Don't you dare. I don't care if you're my brother, I will hunt you down if you hurt him." Regulus already said he'd try his hardest but Sirius needs to cement that into his stubborn head. 

Regulus isn't looking at him anymore, he's looking down at his shoes with a world of complex emotions going over his face, "and if he hurts me?"

Sirius falters, could he hunt down James? He's already hurt him enough for this lifetime, could he hurt him again? No, of course not but Regulus is Regulus. Despite everything that he's done to Sirius or everything that Sirius has done to Regulus at the end of the day, they're brothers. And he loves him, his little brother who he held as a baby, laughed with, cried with, hid with, he's always going to try for Regulus even if it's impossible sometimes. So yes. He'd hunt down James, which might be an empty promise because Sirius knows that James could never hurt someone he loves.

"I'd burn down the planet for you, Regulus. I'm sorry if I ever made you think any different."

Regulus's eyes shoot up and look at Sirius intensely, for a minute he thinks that Regulus is about to hit him but he doesn't, all the stress leaves his body when he receives an unexpected smile. The smile is full of relief as if he'd expected him to say something else, then Regulus does something that nobody could have seen coming, he hugs him. Tight.  

Regulus Black is full of surprises. 

"Right." Regulus clears his throat as he pulls away, "I'm going back to James. Do you want me to get Remus for you?"

"No, I—why Remus? Why not Peter?" 

Regulus pinches the bridge of his nose, "I hope you don't think I'm an idiot. You love him, obviously. It's actually painfully obvious." 

Sirius snorts, Regulus always could see through him. "Yeah. I really fucking do. Absolute pain in the arse but he's mine."

"Sounds like you two are evenly matched then."

"Oi, don't be mean to me when you were just being so sweet." Regulus just rolls his eyes, "c'mon gimme a hug then." Sirius smirks, extending his arms and making grabby hands towards him.

"Piss off." Regulus's nose crinkles as he laughs.

He really did miss his brother's laugh. 

***

James is still asleep by the time the full moon comes around, things are unbalanced without Prongs and his antlers to herd Moony around the forest. Wormtail and Padfoot are able to do it, it just takes longer and always seems to annoy Moony. The wolf can tell when things are off. 

It's not Moony's fault that he got angry, it's not his fault that he lashed out. Sirius feels like lashing out all the time since James hasn't woken up, it's been a week. 

It wasn't painful when his claws ripped at Sirius, okay fine that's a lie. His skin tore and it felt like he was being ripped inside out. He bled, a lot. It wasn't even a big scratch, behind his ear will forever hold a silver scar that reaches to his neck. Barely even visible with his hair covering it. 

But that doesn't stop Remus's guilt. 

After the screams of his transformation back into his body stop and he throws a blanket over himself and crawls over to Sirius, his eyes full of grief and guilt. 

He remembers, he only remembers the bad things. Another curse that he wishes that he could take from Remus, it's not fair to remember the bad when there's so much good. 

"Oh Sirius," Remus whispers through his sobs, he's crying. "Oh, I—" Why is he crying? Doesn't he know how beautiful his own scars are?

"It's okay," Sirius whispers back although they're the only two in the room, Peter is nowhere to be seen, he must have left to give them privacy. "Shh, Moony," Sirius takes his face in his hands and wipes the tears streaming down his cheeks. "It's okay."

"It's not. Sirius, that's a magical wound it will never go away." Remus traces along the side of the wound, not touching it. "You could have lost your ear."

"No, the wolf was gentle. Don't tell James or Pete but I think I'm his favourite."

Remus lets out a small laugh, "yeah. You are." His smile quickly fades, "I'm so sorry."

"Please don't be." Sirius runs his thumb over the scar on Remus's cheek. "I'll love it just as much as I love your scars, they're so beautiful, Remus. You're beautiful."

"I'm so sorry," Remus repeats, he's shaking. 

"Remus, listen to me. "This is a gift, I'll carry it with me for the rest of my life. My own little piece of you, it's perfect."

Remus sniffs and drops his head onto his shoulder, Sirius turns his face and presses a kiss on the top of his head. "You should go before Pomfrey gets here, I'm s—"

"Don't say you're sorry again, there's no need to be sorry." Remus just nods and pulls away, allowing Sirius to get under the cloak and leave. Sirius wants to turn around and tell him that he loves him, every piece of him but he can't, not yet. He's absolutely terrified of saying it, he's not terrified of loving Remus because how could he possibly be? Remus is the easiest person to love but he's never said it out loud before, not in this way. 

As he makes his way out of the shack he lifts his hand up to touch the mark, it stings a bit while it tries to heal itself but he can't help but smile. The mark of a wolf.

Only a few years later Sirius will sit alone in a cold, dank cell touching that scar. It will ground him, remind him of what he lost but more importantly how much he was loved.

Peter is already in the hospital wing by the time Sirius gets there, he's sat beside James working on an essay. 

"Thanks for letting us talk, Wormy." Sirius pats him on the back as he sits down.

"'Course, everything alright? How's the gash?" Peter asks, looking up from his work, eyeing behind his ear. 

Sirius shrugs, "not bad, doesn't hurt anymore. Anything from James?" 

"No." Peter sighs and goes back to his essay. 

Not long after Sirius arrives, Madam Pomfrey comes in with Remus. She's lifting him in the air with her wand as he's sleeping, thank gods he can rest. She sets him on the bed beside James and turns her attention to James and Peter, she shakes her head at the two of them, "don't you boys ever spend any time away from each other?"

"Not if we can help it!" Peter replies, cheerfully. 

She lets out a huff but she isn't able to hide the fond smile on her face as she turns to start her diagnostic spells on Remus. "How's James?" Sirius asks, just as he asks many many times a day.

"The same as yesterday," Pomfrey replies, distractedly. Once she finishes with Remus she pulls his blanket up over him and moves a piece of hair off his forehead. It warms him to know how much she cares for him.

Sirius places his chair between the two beds once Pomfrey leaves to her office. He uses the time while James and Remus sleep a little less productively than Peter, he crumbles pieces of parchment into balls, places sticking charms on them and uses his wand to float them up to the ceiling. 

"Pomfrey is going to kill you for that," Remus says, making Sirius jump.

"Merlin! I didn't know you were awake!" Sirius glares at him, trying hard to ignore that mischievous smile on Remus's face. Cheeky git. "How are you feeling?"

"I've been worse." Remus glances over towards James, his shoulders slump. "I was really hoping he'd be up, I think I'm in need of a James Potter hug."

Sirius relates to that so much that he can feel it in his bones. "Will you settle for a Sirius Black hug?"

"Or a Peter Pettigrew hug?" Peter chirps in. 

"Hmm..." Remus taps his chin and screws his face up, pretending to think after a beat he grins, "yeah alright. Come here, you softies." Remus chuckles and opens up his arms which Sirius immediately leaps into. Trying his hardest not to squeeze in case Remus is still hurting. Peter follows and engulfs the two of them in a big bear hug. It's nice but they're one member short.

"Crap, am I missing a group hug?" A hoarse voice speaks up from behind them. James. They let go and turn to see James rubbing his eyes with his knuckles, propping himself up by his elbows. Sirius doesn't even hesitate to run over and wrap his arms around James who winces as Sirius collides with him.  

Sirius quickly pulls away, "shit, sorry! Are you okay?!" 

"Er yeah, I'm fine. Are you—wait—did we win?" James looks around, confused while taking in his surroundings. "Why am I in the infirmary? What the hell? Did we win?!" 

Sirius steps back from James and sits on the edge of Remus's bed. "You don't remember?"

James groans, "we lost, didn't we? Godric's sake, we were doing so well! What happened?"

"We didn't lose, the game was declared incomplete and there will be a rematch. You fell off your broom," Peter says delicately, and Sirius almost punches him. Traitor. Sirius could have lied and made up a story so James wouldn't hate him when he found out the truth. 

"It's my fault." Sirius blurts out before he can stop himself. What the fuck?! Why did he just say that? "I pushed you, I was being a dick. I'm so sorry, James." 

James raises an eyebrow and glances at Remus, who shakes his head. "I don't remember what happened but I know for a fact that didn't."

Sirius opens his mouth to object but Madam Pomfrey swoops in and interrupts, "oh Mr. Potter! You're awake, oh good. Boys, please leave while I examine him, I'd like him to be completely focused and not distracted." She says giving each of them a pointed look. "Remus dear, are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine, just a bit tired." 

"Get some well-deserved sleep in your own bed, Mr. Black, Mr. Pettigrew, please feel free to assist your friend up to your dorm." They all start to protest until Pomfrey raises an eyebrow at them, giving them a warning look that shuts them up instantly. She's an angel but christ, she can be scary. 

So, they exit the hospital wing grumbling complaints under their breaths not daring to be loud enough to risk Pomfrey's wrath. 

Sirius asks again before they get too far from the infirmary how Remus is feeling and he assures him that he's fine even though Sirius can hear him making little grunts of pain as they climb the staircase. But Sirius knows better than to challenge him, it's Remus's body, after all, he knows his limits. Even if Sirius just really wants to tuck him into bed and spoon-feed soup to him until he never feels a single ache of pain ever again.

After a tediously long day of classes, Sirius rushes back into the infirmary to find James laying there, asleep. His heart just about falls out of his chest and onto the floor. He slumps down on his bed, "James?" He taps his shoulder and James stirs, making Sirius let out a relieved sigh. "Christ, never sleep again," Sirius says as James opens his eyes. 

"Sorry," James mumbles tiredly, pushing himself into an upright position. "I'm sorry Sirius, not for sleeping but for everything. I never ever should have started seeing Reggie without telling you first. I didn't say anything because I was afraid you were going to tell me no, I'm a coward, Padfoot. He—I would have stopped if you told me to leave him alone, I know I would have and that's not your fault, it's mine. All I ever want is for you to be safe and happy, and I'm so sorry that I was selfish enough to jeopardize that. I'm—"

"James—" Sirius tries to cut in. 

"I'm not done yet, I have been thinking about this all day. Bear with me." James smiles apologetically and continues on, "but I'm not sorry for caring for your brother, I would never be sorry for that because he's everything to me. He's brought so much light into my life, light that illuminated rooms that I didn't know were dark—He's a part of me that I didn't know I was missing—he'd hate that declaration, I'd get the biggest eye roll if I told him that but I know he'd secretly love it—I told my mum and dad about him, he means that much to me." Sirius almost laughs because James is speaking so fast and passionately that he's tumbling over his words. "So, I'm sorry again about how you found out and I'm sorry that I can't be sorry for caring about him, but it's really important to me that you know that he's not just some bloke, he's the one."

Bugger. Here comes the big brother speech, again. 

"Don't hurt him. I know you won't but please don't. He's been through so much and I know he's still going through it in that fucking house he can't seem to escape from. Be the light in his life too, he needs it, badly."

James opens his mouth, but no sound comes out of it for what feels like five minutes. "Is—are you giving me your blessing?"

Sirius smiles and waves his hand around, "yeah yeah Prongs, you've got my blessing."

"Yes!" James does a little celebratory dance that makes Sirius laugh, "well, in that case, you have my blessing to date Remus."

"Oh, I needed your blessing for that, did I?"

"Of course, he's my brother. And he has my blessing to date you since you're my brother too."

"Bloody hell, we sound like the Black family tree with all this brother-dating." James laughs loud enough to draw Pomfrey out of her office, she shushes them and returns inside. Sirius's smile drops as he turns back to James, he can't avoid this forever. "I'm sorry that you're in here because of me, you didn't deserve this. I should have just talked to you about this, we could have sorted it but I'm a fucking child sometimes, nobody can deny that. I brought it onto the quidditch field which was so reckless and fucking stupid. I could have killed you, I—" Sirius stops to clear his throat and rub his eyes which are threatening to spill over with tears, "I thought I lost you." 

"You will never lose me, Sirius, never. There is no James Potter without Sirius Black."

And that's that, there is no Sirius Black without James Potter. 

It's as simple as that. 

Chapter Text

Remus was sure he's never seen Sirius Black as happy as he had been this evening, stuck to James Potter's side as if he's been glued to him. It would almost be pathetic if it wasn't for the fact Sirius has been at his throat for the past few weeks. So it's nice, even if they are currently plotting to somehow get the giant squid into the Great Hall.

"It can't be that difficult," Sirius says, pacing back and forth beside the hospital bed. "Maybe Accio?"

James puffs out his cheeks and shakes his head, "did you miss that lesson? Can't Accio living things." Sirius groans and deflates back onto James's bed.    

Peter gasps and jumps up from his spot, "that's it!" 

All of them turn to Peter who is bouncing on his spot, "what?!" Remus blurts out only when Peter doesn't proceed. 

"Hm?" Peter says, turning to them. "Oh, sorry never mind me. Just remembered where I left my wand." 

Sirius groans even louder and splays himself over James dramatically.

Remus rolls his eyes, "you're all useless. Obviously, you would use Levicorpus." 

"Fucking brilliant. Fucking brilliant! My boyfriend, he's a genius!" Sirius proclaims a little too loudly while cuddling up to James. 

"Don't you think it's too big to fit into the doors?" Peter asks.

"Shrinking spell?" James offers up.

"It's settled, tomorrow we—" 

Sirius is interrupted by the sound of the hospital doors opening and Regulus marching his way toward them. "Get out of my way." Regulus mutters as he pushes past his brother, Sirius grumbles and moves beside Remus, "oh thank fuck." He breathes out, looking down at James who is giving him such a lovey-dovey look that he's sure will make Sirius change his mind on the whole blessing thing. "I thought you were going to die, you idiot."

"Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die, Passing through nature to eternity," James says in an old English accent, grinning wildly from ear to ear. 

Regulus scowls at him and smacks his arm, "I'm not in the mood, don't tease, not right now."

Remus shares a look with Sirius, a look that says neither of them knows what the hell the two are on about. He shrugs and looks back at the display in front of them. 

"Why Regulus, this is the very ecstasy of love." 

Regulus's face goes beet red and Remus gets the sudden feeling that they're intruding on a private moment, that thought doesn't go away when Regulus essentially throws himself into James's arms and starts to snog his face off. 

"Merlin," Sirius mumbles and turns his face the other way, a hand covering his eyes. "Tell me when it's over."

Remus turns away too as the two boys continue to snog each other in the open, fucking brave. When their lips aren't locked together he hears them mumbling Shakespearan words that Remus just doesn't want to listen to, if Pomfrey could walk in and discharge him right about now that would be wonderful.

Sirius elbows him and leans in to whisper, "what is that? Oscar Wilde?"

Remus shakes his head with a laugh and whispers back, "no, you idiot, it's Shakespeare."

"Shakespeare? How does Reg know Shakespeare?" Sirius ponders quietly. 

"How do you know Oscar Wilde?"

"Touché," Sirius smirks then takes a pillow from the bed beside them and throws it at the two. "Stop that you vile teenagers, some of us are trying not to go blind over here!" 

James pulls away giving Sirius an apologetic smile, "sorry mate, your brother drives me wild. Can't be helped." He says with a shrug and a cheeky smirk. 

"Fucker!" Sirius gasps playfully and jumps onto the bed and starts wrestling with James, Sirius has an unfair advantage as he's not the one currently recovering from head trauma. Somehow James still manages to get Sirius into a headlock, "Moony! Help! He's gone feral! Help me, my love!"

James laughs loudly and drags his knuckles over the top of Sirius's head unmercifully, "don't help him Moony, lest you face the same fate!" 

Remus and Regulus exchange helpless looks with each other that say, look at our dumb boyfriends and thank god they've made up.  

Regulus lets out a breath of air and tugs on Sirius's arm, "okay enough, get off James. You're going to hurt him." He pulls him out of James's grip and quickly takes his place, James wraps his arm around him.

"Wow, he was the one hurting me!!" Sirius complains, crossing his arm and sitting down beside Remus. 

Peter clears his throat and everyone looks at him, "do you think the squid would die without water?"

Everyone is silent for a moment and then James snaps his fingers, "we could fill the hall with water!" 

Regulus raises an eyebrow at the four of them who are all contemplating the idea, "really? You too, Lupin?"

"What?" Remus crosses his arms defensively, "it's a good idea."

"No, it's not! I thought you were the sensible one."

Sirius smirks and wraps his arm around Remus's neck, pulling him close. "Oh he's just as bad as us, he's just better at hiding it."

"Well, that's utterly disappointing." Regulus clicks his tongue and rests his head on James's shoulder. 

"Would Aguamenti work?" Peter asks, ignoring Regulus. "Concentrate hard and the whole place could fill with water?"

***

"Where is it?" Sirius grumbles through chattering teeth. 

It's late, James was discharged from the infirmary after classes and they all wanted to go out instantly to the lake and start their prank but Peter insisted on James taking a nap beforehand so he could be at his 'full potential.' They only argued back and forth for a few minutes and eventually—reluctantly—James took a nap. It was seemingly needed as he stayed in bed for hours. 

But once he finally woke up they grabbed the cloak, map and their wands and head out into the nippy spring air to lift a poor squid out of its home.

Peter throws a rock into the lake and waits for the squid to throw it back, it doesn't. "It knows!" Peter throws another rock, but still no squid. 

"It can't know, Pete," James sits down on the shore, "unless, wait. Remus, can the squid hear?"

They turn to him and Remus throws up his hands, "how the hell would I know?!" 

Sirius bounces over and rests his chin on Remus's shoulder, "you know everything, Moony, you're our walking encyclopedia."

"Well, sorry but I know very little about the squid besides that it probably won't kill you if you try to swim in the lake."

Sirius sighs wistfully and presses a kiss to his neck, "I guess even geniuses have their off days."

"Look!" James exclaims while pointing at a ripple in the water, "Levicorpus!" James shouts, aiming his wand at the ripple, the only thing he manages to lift is a fish that flaps around in the air, "oh bugger." James huffs and drops his wand, the fish drops back into the lake with a splash. "It was worth a shot." He kicks a rock into the water and turns to look at them. "So, what now?"

"Seems like a waste of time to just go back to bed." Remus sighs, he was actually excited to see the squid in the Great Hall. 

Sirius shrugs, "we could plant some dung bombs in the Slytherin dorms?"

"Er, maybe I'm biased but—"

Sirius interrupts James by pressing his finger to James's lips. "You are biased." James swats his hand away but doesn't argue.

"OH!" Peter shouts, way too loudly considering they're breaking curfew. "Oh! I have an idea, gimme the cloak." 

James reaches over to pass the cloak but Sirius intercepts it, "what's the idea? Don't want you running off and potentially getting caught if it's a bad idea."

"Trust me, it's a good idea. I won't get caught."

Sirius hesitates for a moment then hands it to him, "go on then Pettigrew, wow us."

Peter salutes and then disappears under the cloak. 

"Get comfortable, Wormy will probably take ages," Sirius says while dropping down to the ground, sitting with his back against James's leg. James pushes him off then sits down beside and Sirius leans against him again. Remus sits across from them with his back against a tree, they sit in comfortable silence for a bit.

James breaks the silence first, "what's up with our pranks and live animals recently?" James inquires, plucking grass from the ground as he speaks. 

"What?" Sirius says while balancing his wand on his upper lip, pushing his lips out to try and keep it steady.

"Well, sheep, nifflers and now the squid, three animals. Weird." 

"Animals are fun." Sirius shrugs and his wand falls off his lips.

"Technically the sheep were couches." Remus points out, "does that still count?"

James thinks for a moment, "Nah. Doesn't count then."

"Technically, all our pranks involve animals. Y'know..." Sirius gestures between the three of them, James raises a confused eyebrow and Remus tries not to roll his eyes, sometimes he can be incredibly thick. "Seriously, Prongs?" Sirius chuckles and steps away from him, with a blink of an eye, there's a big black dog sitting in front of James.

"Ohh." James laughs and pets Padfoot, "blame the head injury." Padfoot huffs like he doesn't believe him then walks over and drops his head into Remus's lap, god, being a wizard is weird. 

James gets up and wanders off without a word, "James?" Remus calls to him but doesn't get a response, he shrugs and looks down at Padfoot, "transform back."

"Are you scared of the dark, Moony? Scared to be alone?" Sirius teases once he's transformed, returning his head to Remus's lap.

Remus pulls on his hair gently, "no, and I wouldn't be alone anyways, I had a big gross drooling dog on my lap." Sirius swats his hand away.

"Dickhead."

"You love me, don't pretend," Remus says without thinking then his mouth falls open, realising what he's said. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK! How is this the SECOND time he's almost confessed love for Sirius?? Christ.

James comes bounding through the bushes to save Remus from his embarrassment with a handful of wildflowers, he shows them to the two like he's won a prize, "I love spring." James says with a big smile plastered on his face, "check this out," he walks over and places a crown of flowers on Sirius's head then proceeds to do the same on Remus's, "look at you two! You look like you're going to get married."

Sirius glances up at him from his lap then clears his throat, sits up and smirks, "married, huh?" Remus wants to roll his eyes and tease him back but he's still feeling flushed from almost accidentally confessing love. 

Remus takes in the site in front of him and curses himself that he didn't bring a camera, for not capturing the never-ending beauty that is Sirius Black. 

It's not long after Peter scares the shite out of all of them by ripping off the cloak and shouting BOO! 

"Fucking hell, Pete!" Sirius exclaims and throws his flower crown at Peter much to James's dismay. "Alright, now what's this brilliant prank."

Peter lifts up his hand, "I never said it was brilliant."

"Way to sell it, Wormy."

"Shut it, Sirius," Peter grumbles and pulls out four fireworks from his pocket. "Dr. Filibuster's!" He hands one each to them.

James takes it and grins so wide it's shocking that his face doesn't get stuck like that, "we're going to wake up the whole castle!"

Sirius jumps up and wraps an arm around James, "that's the plan, mate. Nice one, Pete!" Peter looks incredibly proud of himself.

"You first Remus," Peter says. Remus hurls it into the sky and it makes a loud BANG and a giant 'M' explodes. "M for Moony!" Peter says excitedly. Peter throws his firework and a 'W' appears beside his 'M.'

Sirius lobs his next and a 'P' lights up the sky, he lets out a shout of glee and shakes James, "go on!" then James throws the firework and another giant 'P' appears. 

The whole ordeal is loud, BANG BANG BANG BANG. He's shocked that Filch hasn't shown up to throw them in detention. 

Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.

The letters sparkle, a dazzling show that lights up the night and his friend's faces. They're all wearing gleeful smiles and jumping around as if it's the first time they had ever seen Filibuster's fireworks. Remus can't blame them, they're magnificent. Muggle fireworks light up the sky and fizzle out, these stay high in the sky for much longer and change colours. It's magic... obviously, but it's the best way to describe them. 

"Students out of bed!" A shrieking comes from the castle, guess they did wake up Filch after all.

"Oh fuck!" Remus says and picks up the cloak, Peter instantly turns into Wormtail and the rest squeeze under the cloak. Sirius and James can't stop cackling even when they cover their mouths, trying to stifle it. 

Before they get inside Remus turns to get one last look at the fireworks. They’ve disappeared, gone into the sky but Remus swears he can still see the letters. The four Marauders, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs in the sky, in the stars, infinite and forever.

His eyes shift inadvertently towards the moon, it's waning. Just looking at it shoots a shiver up his spine and his breath falters for a moment.

“Remus?” a voice whispers into his ear, he had stopped. When did he stop? “Moony?" Sirius, it was Sirius. 

“I’m fine.” he lies, the thing about the moon was it was so easy to forget about it. The phases of the moon run his life and he tries his hardest not to think about the damn thing but it's like a terrifying reminder that he isn't human, not really.

“Let’s get you inside and I’ll make you some tea, okay?” Oh, Sirius, he can spot a lie from a mile away.

“Okay,” he whispers, his eyes shifting from the moon to the stars, his star. His star who gave him a smile that could give warmth to the coldest day and Remus smiles back.

***

It's the nights when the sky is the clearest and the air is the coldest when Remus feels trapped in his dorm room. He feels like he's wasting away while there's a perfectly good night to enjoy. The boys are laughing, sharing drinks and cigarettes (much to James's displeasure), and listening to their favourite records but he doesn't want to be there. His presence feels like a burden because he wants to be anywhere else, he feels guilty to admit he doesn't want to be with them right now, not even with Sirius. 

"I'll be right back," Remus mumbles without trying to think of an excuse, he grabs a jumper from his drawers and slips out of the room. On his way to the astronomy tower, he carefully dodges Filch and his demon cat twice which he silently applauds himself for. 

Once he makes the trek to the top he leans against the railing, staring up at the starry sky, purposely averting his gaze away from the moon, ignoring how it's waxing in preparation for his monthly transition to the monster within. He's searching the sky and he sees it, Sirius. He used to think it was the silliest thing to look at the sky and think of him but that was before Sirius had kissed him before he was the only thing on his mind. 

Sirius Black is a star in every sense of the word, a perfect namesake. It should be ridiculous to compare Sirius to the stars because it makes him sound so small but the stars are everything and nothing, a tiny speck in the universe yet, they are bright, dancing miracles. If all the stars fell out of the sky there would still be light as long as Sirius was around.

He once compared Sirius and him to two ships passing in the night, but the truth is so much better. Sirius is his lighthouse. His light, his tower that guided him through the dark night. If Remus was lost or confused it would be Sirius who will guide him home. 

"I love the moon."

Remus jumps out of his skin and whips out his wand, pointing it at the figure speaking. "Christ!" Sirius is grinning with his hands up in surrender. He drops his wand back into his pocket and lets out a shaky breath, "don’t sneak up on me like that. I could've fallen over the railing!” Remus tuts at Sirius laughing at him. 

"Sorry! But to be fair I'm sure ol' Dumbles has some sort of enchantment that stops people from falling off the tower."

“What do you want?”

He doesn’t say anything instead, he walks up to where Remus is standing and leans over the railing. Looking up at the stars, he smiles over at him and then turns his attention back to the sky, to the moon. "I love the moon." He repeats, clearly wanting an answer.

"You said." When Sirius doesn't say anything, Remus huffs and gives in, "why?"

"Because it reminds me of you, every time I look at it I think of you.”

At a loss for words, Remus just breathes out, “Oh...”

“I spent Christmas waiting for the day to end so I can see you in the sky. Bright and beautiful. Then I would wonder if we were looking at the moon at the same time, it gives me comfort, you know? To know that even when we’re miles apart we share the same moon. Sometimes I think I’m going to spend the rest of my life waiting for the sun to set. It’s sort of pathetic really, I think about you so much that it’s almost like a reflex at this point. You’re so woven into me it’s like you’re part of my soul.”

He was silent in response, because how the hell do you respond to that? Nobody had ever said anything like that to Remus. Nobody ever made him feel special like Sirius does. He seems to understand, they let silence fill them while they stare at the sky. Both watching something different but still something that means so much to the other, about the other. 

“I hate the moon.” Remus finally whispers, breaking the silence. 

"Hm, not too hard to guess why." Sirius smiles at him kindly, leaning into his side. 

"Mm. When I see it, I'm reminded of everything I've lost. I've lost everything, Sirius. I'm barely human, I have no free will, and I'm fucking run by the moon. It terrifies me."

Sirius is silent for a moment, his hand reaches over and grips Remus's. "But look what you've gained. You have us, me, Peter, James, our little pack."

"Yeah," Remus agrees softly, "I have you." 

"You know, I spoke to your star." Remus lets out a little chuckle because of how ridiculous it sounds. "I wished it a happy Christmas and just laid there for ages, thinking of you, wishing I could hold you and stare at you as I could stare at that star. And I—"

“I think I’m in love with you.” Sirius blurts out as if he couldn't contain it. 

Remus's eyes drop from the stars over Sirius, "you... what?" He was sure he didn't hear that right, surely. Remus loves Sirius, which is no secret but Sirius loving Remus? Well, Remus knew Sirius cared about him but love? Sirius didn't love him back, how could he?

He watches as Sirius swallows and shakes his head, turning his attention back to the moon. "Nothing."

“Did you say what I think you just said?” Dread washes over Remus, he couldn't have regretted it already, could he? 

“What did you think I said?”

“That you love me?”

“I said in love.”

Is it actually possible for your heart to skip a beat? Is he having a heart attack??

“What’s the difference?”

“You can love anything, but being in love means that you’ve given your heart to someone. You don't just live for yourself, you live for them. Wanting that person for all of it, the fights, the flaws, the laughter, the perfections, the imperfections...” Sirius trails off and for the first time, Remus notices how pink Sirius's cheeks are, and how nervous he looks.  

At that moment he realizes, under the stars beside his best friend, that he doesn't just love Sirius, he's in love. He wasn’t sure when exactly it happened, he just know that he was completely, passionately, deeply, in love. “You think?”

“Hm?”

“You said, you think you’re in love with me.”

He finally turns away from the night sky and looks up at him, Remus couldn’t tell if the twinkle in his eyes were the stars reflecting in them or his own. “I know.” He says firmly. 

“I know too.”

Sirius chuckles, "Remus Lupin, the man who fears the moon but loves the stars. It's quite poetic don't you think? Thought of that, just now." 

He rolls his eyes, cheesy bastard. "Mhm, I can tell."

"Oh, piss off. This is supposed to be romantic."

Remus laughs and pulls Sirius in, he places his forehead on his and smiles. "I love you, so fucking much."

"I love you." Sirius whispers.

They kiss and it feels like home, he knows right now that Sirius will always feel like home. Time couldn't change that.

Time makes you forget things, the eye colour of your first crush, the silly argument that felt life-altering, the way an old friend's smile always ended up a little lopsided, and the small details in life that made room for the bigger things. 

But through everything that may be in the coming years, Remus will never forget the time he fell in love with the stars. 

His star.