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“Can I buy you a drink?”
Regulus turned to look for the source of the voice and he had to concentrate to keep his expression impassive. Next to him at the bar stood a handsome, broad shouldered man with warm brown skin and dark, unruly hair. He was wearing round glasses and a disarming smile.
Yes, this would do nicely.
“Who’s asking?”
The man extended his hand. "I'm James. Nice to meet you…?"
Regulus hesitated. “Reginald.” Close enough. He never gave hookups his real name. It was too unique. Anyone with an internet connection would be able to identify him as a senator’s son.
The man’s – James’ – eyebrows shot up. "What kind of a name is that?"
Regulus shrugged. "Mother is half-English.”
James snorted. "Of course she is." He gestured at the empty stool next to Regulus. "May I?"
Regulus regarded him for a moment, then nodded. James sat, gesturing for the bartender so they could order drinks.
"You know," he said when they had a Martini and an Old Fashioned in front of them, “you look eerily similar to my roommate.”
“You have a roommate?” Regulus suppressed a grimace. That significantly reduced the possible outcomes for the night.
"My best friend, yes. You two have the same porcelain aristocrat thing going on.” He gestured vaguely at Regulus’ face as he lifted his drink for a sip, before continuing, as if he had read Regulus’ mind. “He's out of town right now though.” He looked directly at him then and through the pleasant buzz that Regulus was already feeling from his drink — his second of the night — he noted with satisfaction that James’ eyes were burning with unabashed intent.
Regulus felt a slow smile spread across his face.
The sex was, quite frankly, spectacular.
Regulus had long ago resigned himself to marrying whatever socialite his parents deemed to be an appropriate match for him, so a serious relationship with a man was never going to be in the cards for him. Picking someone up in a bar for one night and never seeing them again was his way of shutting his mind off and getting relief from the pressure of his family's expectations. He never let it get any further than that.
None of the men he had ever gone home with, however, had managed to take him apart quite like James had. Regulus still felt dizzy from the memory of his fingertips trailing down his sides and his lips, hot and wet on his neck and stomach and —
“I’m out of white wine but Padfoot left some rosé, he won’t mind” James called from the kitchen where he was rummaging for drinks, snapping Regulus out of the memories from only half an hour ago.
“Padfoot?” Regulus asked skeptically. “Do you have a dog and if so why does it have its own wine?”
A snort came from the kitchen. “My roommate. It's a stupid nickname, I know. So, rosé?”
“Yes, fine," Regulus said and stepped towards a shelf in the corner that was filled to the brim with battered looking vinyl sleeves. James’ apartment had a rustic feel to it, very Brooklyn with its large windows and naked brick walls. The interior wasn't particularly showy, but the size alone made it clear that James, too, was hardly strapped for cash. And he had not even seen the roommate’s room.
His fingers trailed over the sleeves pulling out vinyls here in there to look at them. Something in his chest twisted painfully when he came across Modern Times.
“My brother used to listen to this,” he murmured absentmindedly, and then jumped when he felt James nudge him gently with their drinks.
“Sorry,” he said sheepishly, handing him his glass. “They’re mostly Padfoot’s. You have a brother?”
"Had," Regulus corrected, mentally chiding himself for having said anything.
James grimaced. “I’m sorry," he said, sounding genuinely apologetic. “The topic is off-limits I take it?”
Regulus just nodded and took a sip of his drink.
His distaste must have shown on his face because James laughed loudly. “It's all I have right now. I'll make sure to stock something fancier for you next time.”
Regulus gave him a pointed look. "Presumptuous."
James eyes sparked behind his glasses. "I don't know, Reg — can I call you Reg? — you seemed pretty enthusiastic just a little while ago so I assumed you would not be opposed. Am I wrong?”
Regulus studied his glass for a moment before answering. “I guess we’ll see, won’t we?”
James didn’t need to know that Regulus never spent more than one night with anyone. Not yet anyway. But maybe just this once, a traitorous voice in his head murmured and Regulus pushed it down quickly.
Regulus faced sideways when they sat on the couch so he could look at James’ profile, and more importantly, wiggle his icy toes under his thighs. James hissed in protest.
“Your floor is cold," Regulus said indignantly, ignoring the fact that he could very well have put his clothes back on instead of simply slipping into his briefs and James’ discarded t-shirt.
James rolled his eyes but didn't complain further, taking a sip of his own wine. Regulus could not stop the laugh that escaped him when James grimaced.
He did not know how much time passed, but it must have been a while because he could see the sky outside begin to lighten from where he was now lying on the carpet, his empty glass and the empty bottle on the one side and James on the other. Propped up on his elbow, James was looking down at him, his free hand splayed on his stomach, making Regulus shiver.
“How’d we end up on the floor anyway?” James asked, a soft smile on his lips that felt like a warm blanket.
Regulus huffed. “Your roommate’s cheap-ass screw-top rosé, that’s how.”
James laughed, delighted, and promptly rolled on top of Regulus. “You’re a snob,” he murmured before he leaned down to kiss him, and Regulus did not bother denying it, too busy kissing him back, sliding his hands under James’ shirt, and forgetting his own name.
James was magnetic like no one Regulus had ever met and it made him stupid and sentimental and reckless, because before he left to go home two hours later, it made him do something he never, ever did.
He gave James his number.
***
James: so, I know there's a three day rule or whatever but I have decided I don't care. Hi. 😊
Regulus: You’re an idiot. Hi.
James: oh you call me the cutest names 😌
Regulus: …
James: when can I see you again?
James: that was very forward I’m sorry.
James: I just really enjoyed myself the other night and I thought you did too so I hope it doesn’t have to stay a one-off? Please?
James: I’ll even cook!
James: so it has been three days now and I wonder if this is the point where I'm supposed to be taking the hint and leaving you alone?
James: I really hope it isn’t
Regulus: Fine. Saturday, 7pm.
James: 😍 😍 😍
***
“Is that incense?” Regulus asked when he stepped inside the apartment, inhaling deeply. James looked sheepish. “Too much?”
He looked just as handsome as Regulus remembered and it was doing things to his stomach that he refused to examine more closely.
Regulus shrugged. “Unexpected,” he said, handing James the brown bag with two bottles of wine he had brought.
“Thanks,” James said, pulling out the red and nodding appreciatively. “Oh, this is good!”
“You know it?” Regulus asked, surprised.
James nodded. “Of course. I… My family makes wine, so I know my way around the big names.” His cheeks darkened with his flush.
“Ah. So it’s wine money that pays for this apartment. I had wondered.”
James huffed a short laugh, looking a bit sheepish.
Regulus cocked his head. “Why are you embarrassed?”
“Well, it’s a bit… douchey, isn’t it?”
Regulus snorted. “And here I was, thinking you were just ashamed of serving me that rosé while your parents make proper wine.”
James laughed and Regulus smiled. “Will you feel better if I tell you that my parents own half of the Hamptons?”
James gaped at him. “You’re joking.”
“Nope. I’m way more douchey than you.”
James thought for a moment. “You know what, I do feel better,” he said brightly, stepping aside and letting Regulus pass. “Mostly because this is, like, the second thing you’ve told me about yourself.”
It was Regulus turn to blush now, but he hid it by turning away from James, surveying the apartment.
“Still no roommate?”
“Oh, he’s back, but he’s at his boyfriends’ tonight. To be honest he’s barely here anymore. They practically live together already.”
James let him into the kitchen where things were sizzling on the stove in multiple pots and pans, and it smelled heavenly. Years of private chefs and catered food had stamped out any chance of Regulus ever becoming a virtuoso in the kitchen, but it seemed like James’ family’s wealth hadn’t had the same effect.
“When you said you’d cook I kind of expected something like… I don’t know, pasta.”
James stared at him, mock offended. “You wound me. I would never try to woo anyone with pasta.” He paused. “At least not as the main course.”
Regulus rolled his eyes.
“So,” James said as he handed Regulus a glass of the white wine. “I hope you know that it is my mission tonight to learn more about you.”
Regulus snorted and leaned against the counter. “We’ll see.” James, focused on the stove, didn’t look at him but he was smiling. Something in Regulus’ stomach fluttered.
“What do you do for work?”
Regulus hesitated, studying his wine glass, wondering how much he should reveal. He was already breaking all his rules by seeing James a second time. “Guess.”
It was a cheap stalling technique, he knew, but he was on unfamiliar ground and needed a moment to breathe.
James put a lid on one of the bubbling pots and turned to face him. “First, I thought lawyer, because of the suit you wore last time, but then I thought you’re probably too young. Stockbroker?”
Regulus choked on the sip of wine he had been about to follow and coughed. “Please. I would die of boredom.” He paused. “You were on the right track the first time. Ish. I’m in law school. One year left.”
James grinned victoriously. “Columbia?”
Regulus shook his head. “I don’t live in New York. I’m just here for two months for an internship.”
James nodded. “Ah. So where is home then?” His tone was light but there was an edge to it that Regulus couldn’t quite make sense of.
Regulus smirked behind his glass and shook his head. “Oh no. Your turn.”
James’ eyes sparked. “Oh, is that how it’s going to be?”
Regulus didn’t reply and fought the violent urge to kiss him.
“Fine,” James huffed, “I’m a cook.”
That threw Regulus for a loop, although it did explain the state of the kitchen.
“Didn’t expect that, did you?”
“No,” Regulus admitted. “I didn’t. It doesn’t pay very well, does it?”
James shrugged. “It’s not as bad as people think. And I’m fortunate enough to not need the money. I do it because I love it.”
Something on the stove caught James’ attention and he turned away to deal with it.
The food really was heavenly and if Regulus found himself staring a little too long at James’ lips after he had licked some sauce off of them, then well, sue him.
Regulus was, admittedly, tipsy, and he blamed the red wine they had just opened to go with the cheese platter for what he said next. “The food is excellent, James. Thank you. But you really don’t have to work that hard to get me into bed.”
James, who had just taken a sip, spluttered, narrowly avoiding spilling the wine on the tablecloth. It was adorable.
“Uhm,” James said, flustered. “That’s not quite what I’m doing actually.”
Regulus raised his eyebrows. “Isn’t it?”
James shrugged. “Well, I mean, don’t get me wrong, sleeping with you is not exactly a hardship, so, you know, we can definitely, definitely do that.” Regulus smiled into his glass. “But I really like you, Reg. And I want to get to know you. Anything else is just a bonus.”
Regulus felt that damn fluttering again and it was tinged with guilt, at the nickname. Ironically, it was a nickname people used frequently, but it still reminded him that James did not, in fact, know his real name.
He put his glass down. “James…” he said carefully, “I meant what I said before. I’m not staying. I’m only here for six more weeks, then I’m going back to DC.”
James looked down at his hands. He was still smiling, but the tight set of his shoulders betrayed his disappointment. “Well,” he said after a few moments, “I guess we’ll just have to make the best of the time we have, don’t we?” He looked up again and they locked eyes over the table. Regulus suppressed a shiver.
“I guess so,” he said quietly and let the moment settle between them.
Making the best of their time together turned out to mean kissing against the kitchen counter just a few minutes later, after they had cleared the table. Regulus let himself drown in the heady sensation of James’ lips on his jaw and on his collarbone, ignoring the persistent voices in his head telling him that it was a bad idea to get attached, even for a little while.
One of James’ hands was fisted into the fabric of Regulus button-down shirt just over his waist and James seemed to be at least as distracted by the kiss as Regulus was, because he seemed to completely forget the glass of red wine that was still in his other hand. Regulus was gently tugging at James’ lower lip with his teeth, eliciting a low, needy noise from his throat when he felt James’ glass bump against his chest, spilling its contents over the front of his shirt.
“Oh god, I’m so sorry,” James said hastily, looking mortified, as he took a step back to survey the damage.
Regulus looked down at the dark burgundy stain and shrugged. “It’s just a shirt.”
James chewed on his lower lip. “If you take it off, I can put some salt on it any maybe we can save it? I can lend you a shirt of mine to wear.”
His worried expression tugged at something in Regulus’ chest. “Really James, if you wanted me to take my shirt off you would only have had to ask.”
Regulus did not take James up on his offer to borrow a shirt until hours later, when the sun was starting to rise and he was heading home.
The weeks passed, and Regulus simply couldn’t bring himself to stop seeing James. He found himself rushing to complete his office work, declining offers of after work drinks and dinners on the nights he knew James didn’t work and would inevitably invite him over. It felt like he was in a dream and he was simply ignoring the fact that he had to wake up eventually.
„You could have at least let me put on my shoes,” Regulus grumbled, trailing after James up the stairs. James just winked at him and pushed open the door to the roof.
They had been lying on the couch together just a few moments ago, when James had jumped up, pulling Regulus with him, excitedly claiming he had something to show him. Regulus, who had not been wearing a shirt at the time, had had the presence of mind to grab a blanket and wrap it around himself before James pulled him out the door.
It was the early hours of the morning and the cool breeze that promised the end of summer made Regulus pull the blanket tighter around himself as he shivered. James stepped close so he could pull Regulus flush against his chest, wrapping his arms around him for extra warmth.
“Look,” he said softly into Regulus’ ear, pointing towards the East where clouds were gathering on the horizon. His breath ghosted over his neck as he spoke, and Regulus shivered again, but not from the cold. It was still dark, but the sun was rising behind the clouds, making them look dark and stormy and flooding the sky above with deep crimson light. Regulus leaned back to rest his head against James’ shoulder as they watched the sunrise in silence.
“It’s good, isn’t it?” James asked softly, tracing his cheek and jawline with his nose. “It only looks like this when it’s a little cloudy, but not too much. It’s like magic.”
Regulus closed his eyes and let himself fall.
One night, they were naked in James’ bed, Regulus’ sprawled between his legs and over his lower torso with his head resting on James’ chest. He was tracing his index finger over where the antlers of James’ stag tattoo spread over his ribs, and James had one hand in his curls, scraping gently at his scalp.
“You know,” James said softly. “DC isn’t that far.”
Regulus tensed slightly but didn't move. “James,” he said quietly, hoping his tone would convey all the things he couldn't say.
He heard James’ exhale. “I know you're viewing this as some kind of prolonged one night stand, and if that's all you'll give me then I guess I have to live with that. But…”
The gentle movements against his scalp stilled and Regulus stopped himself just in time from whining unhappily. “… I want you to know that that's not what I want. In case you change your mind.” The movements resumed.
Regulus stayed quiet for a while, waiting for the painful pressure on his chest to subside.
“Noted,” he said quietly, and turned his head so he could briefly press his lips to James’ chest.
They didn't talk about it often, but Regulus could tell that it was on James’ mind. If he himself sometimes stared into nothing at the office, daydreaming about what it would be like not to break up when he went back home, well, that was his own business, wasn’t it? So, he buried the thought and spent more weekend nights in James’ bed than his own. It was a bubble that was bound to burst, and Regulus knew that, but nothing could’ve prepared him for when it did.
Regulus was sitting on James’ couch, scrolling on his phone while James was fussing in the kitchen when he heard someone turn the key. That must be the roommate. Regulus had started wondering by now if the guy really existed, but he really hadn’t minded that they had had the apartment all to themselves all this time.
“Prongs?”
The call came from the hallway, followed by the soft click of the front door, and it tickled something in Regulus’ brain but before he could process why, there was the sound of something heavy colliding with the hardwood floor.
Regulus looked up from his phone and then he was hot and cold all over and his heart jumped into his throat.
He hadn’t seen the face that was staring back at him with wide, shocked eyes in six years. His hair was longer and his clothes were significantly more colorful and casual than Regulus had ever seen him in, and he was— he was James’ roommate.
Sirius was James’ roommate.
Regulus scrambled to stand without knowing what he was going to do next, but he could not tear his eyes away from the wide-eyed expression on his brother’s face. Out of the corner of his eyes, Regulus noted the bag of groceries on the ground and an orange rolling across the floor. Neither of them said a word.
They would probably just have stayed there, frozen to the spot, if James had not chosen that moment to come out of the kitchen.
“Hey, Padfoot, I thought you were at Remus’ toni— what’s going on?”
It would have been comical if the situation was a little less charged because James was wearing an apron and oven mitts, and he had some flour on his nose for god knows what reason. If Regulus had had any processing capacity left, he would have found it endearing.
James was looking back and forth between them, brows furrowed in confusion.
Sirius spoke first, after clearing his throat. “James, what is my brother doing here?” His voice was too high and it trembled and Regulus wanted to reach out to him and… and—
He didn’t know what he wanted to do.
James’ head snapped towards Regulus then. “Your brother? No, I told you, this is Reg…” but even while he was talking, as he trailed off, Regulus saw understanding dawn in his face and his face became shuttered. “What?”
Regulus looked back at him helplessly, and then at Sirius, who was still looking at him with a mixture of shock and hurt and… fear, Regulus realized, but that didn’t make sense, did it?
Nothing made sense, he thought, but then Sirius opened his mouth again.
“Please don’t tell them,” he said, barely a whisper in the silent room, but Regulus felt the words like a gut punch.
Regulus opened his mouth, closed it again, swallowed. “I won’t,” he said when he had found his voice, but the words came out shaky and rough. “I wouldn’t.”
You’re as bad as they are.
Sirius nodded, stiffly, and then walked out of the room. The apartment door slammed shut and then James and Regulus were alone. Silence settled over them like a thick, suffocating cloak.
When James spoke next, disbelief dripped from his words like honey.
“Reg… you’re Regulus? Regulus Black?”
Regulus closed his eyes as shame washed over him. He nodded, once.
“Fuck,” James whispered. “Fuck, I can’t believe this.”
Regulus opened his eyes to see James with his hands in his unruly hair and his eyes full of desperation.
“Why?” he asked finally, and the broken note in his voice made something twist painfully in Regulus’ chest. “Why did you lie to me? Oh god, were you just trying to get to him?” James looked stricken, like he had suddenly understood something horrifying. “That’s it, isn’t it? Oh god, that would be just like his family— “
“No,” Regulus interrupted quickly, needing to make sure James knew how wrong that was like he needed air. “No, James, I didn’t know, I had no idea—"
“Why should I believe you?!” James asked desperately, and Regulus heart almost shattered with how much it hurt. “Oh god, this is why you never told me anything about yourself, I should have known,” James rambled on as he started pacing. “You even look like him, goddamn it!”
Their eyes locked and the hurt in in James’ eyes felt like a knife to the chest. They said nothing for a few long, drawn-out seconds. Regulus could feel himself shaking.
“I swear, I had no idea, James,” he said, his voice hollow. “I haven’t seen or heard from Sirius in six years.”
If James believed him, it didn’t show on his face. He rubbed his hands over his eyes.
“Get out.”
Regulus opened his mouth to protest, to explain, but James looked at him with such a vicious mixture of hurt and disappointment and anger that the words died in his throat.
Without a word, Regulus turned and left.
Regulus felt like in a trance for his last few weeks in New York, unable to shake the mental image of his brother’s terrified eyes, begging him to keep his secret. He had hoped that going back home, and back to studying would distract him, but it was no good.
A month had passed, since that day, and Regulus was back in DC, staring up at the ceiling of his loft, waiting in vain for sleep to come. That’s what his days looked like now. His classes were distracting enough, but the moment he got home and was alone in his sleek, empty apartment, he could no longer ignore the pit in his stomach.
When he didn’t think of that night when he’d seen Sirius again, he thought of another one, six years prior, with raised voices and broken vases and slamming doors. Regulus had been seventeen, and Sirius and their parents had been fighting for weeks over college. Sirius had, unsurprisingly, been accepted to Harvard, Cornell, and Princeton, and the decision not to go to any of them was not going over well.
Regulus had been in his room, his ear pressed to the door, and his heart in his throat. He’d opened it when he heard Sirius rush up the stairs and followed him into his room, watching with horror as Sirius pulled out a duffle bag and started throwing clothes and books into it.
“Sirius what are you doing?!” He hadn’t meant to, but Regulus was yelling now too even though it was panic rather than anger that fueled him.
“I’m not staying here for another second!” Sirius looked wild and it was obvious that he had been crying. The tension in the room, in the whole goddamn house, was unbearable and it drove up Regulus’ anxiety the way it always did when Sirius fought with their parents. Regulus wanted nothing more than for it to stop.
“Please,” Regulus begged him, “please, just do as they say.” If he could only stop riling them up, if he just made them happy, it would all be fine, wouldn’t it?
Sirius’ head snapped towards him, hurt and anger flashing in his eyes.
“You’re as bad as they are,” Sirius spat as he yanked the strap of the duffle bag over his shoulder.
“What?” Regulus whispered, but Sirius paid him no mind as he strode out the door, leaving Regulus to stand alone in his brother’s bedroom, stunned and unable to move.
That was the last time they had spoken.
But when it wasn’t his brothers’ wide, desperate eyes that were haunting him, he remembered soft brown ones instead that were sparkling in the dark behind round glasses and strong arms wrapping around him as if they would never let him go. He remembered calloused fingers on his skin and soft lips at his throat and he missed James so much that it hurt. Every day, all day. It just hurt, and the only one he had to blame was himself.
But there was nothing to be done about it, he wasn’t in New York anymore, it was not like he and James could be together either way, and Sirius, who now clearly had a way to contact him, obviously had no interest in talking to him. So instead of reaching out to them himself, trying to apologize or explain himself, he had thrown himself back into his last year of law school. And it worked most of the time.
Except on nights like this, when he could no longer distract himself and was unable to sleep because his thoughts kept circling and circling and—
He sighed and reached for his phone to check the time.
His insides went cold.
It was just after midnight, but that wasn’t what made his heart start thumping too fast.
5 missed calls: James
He had no idea why James would call him like that, especially after weeks of no contact, but he felt, deep down, that something was very, very wrong. He also had four unread texts.
James: Please pick up. It’s important.
James: Damn it Regulus.
James: I know you don’t want to talk to me but you’ll want to pick up for this trust me.
James: Okay, I didn’t want to do this via text but you’re not giving me a choice. There was an accident. Sirius is hurt. Call me back.
With trembling hands, Regulus pressed the call button.
“Regulus, thank god,” was the first thing James said, but his voice sounded all wrong. Thick and shaky, as if he had been crying.
“Where?” Regulus asked.
“Bellevue Hospital,” James said. “He’s in surgery right now. Reg I… I don’t think he’d want his — I mean your — parents to know, but. It’s not looking great.” Regulus could hear James’ voice break at the end and he tried to stifle his panic at the implications of what James was saying. It was as if the emotion in James’ voice had snapped him out of his stupor because he was off his bed in a second, throwing things into his bag and finding something to wear.
“I won’t tell them.”
James exhaled on the other end of the line. “Okay.”
Regulus checked his watch. “I’ll be there in five hours. Maybe four.”
“Okay,” James said again.
Regulus hung up and grabbed his car keys.
He pulled into the hospital’s parking garage just over four hours later, thanks to deserted night roads and the fact that his car’s accelerator had not been designed with speed limits in mind.
The night nurse, who took too long to find Sirius’ room number for him, looked like she was scared for her life, and Regulus thought somewhat hysterically that she was lucky that he was too out of it to remember her name tag to file a complaint.
He felt like he was in a trance, even when he turned a corner to find James on a plastic chair, with his head in his hands. There was someone next to him, a red-head, and Regulus remembered him mentioning a friend, Lily, maybe?
James looked up when he heard Regulus approach and got up immediately, meeting him halfway. They stopped when they were just a few feet apart, looking at each other. James looked wrecked. He had dark circles under his eyes and his clothes were rumpled. He’d clearly been there all night.
The red-head, who’d followed James down the hall, cleared her throat and reached her hand out to shake Regulus’.
“You must be Regulus,” she said softly. “I’m Lily. It’s nice to finally meet you, but I wish it was under better circumstances.”
Is it? Nice? Regulus thought dimly as he shook her hand. He wouldn’t have expected Sirius or James to speak fondly of him over the past few weeks. He cleared his throat. “Nice to meet you, too.”
“You drove here, right? You must be exhausted. I was going to get some coffee from across the street, would you like one?”
Regulus nodded gratefully. “Thank you.”
James declined the offer, and Lily left them alone in the deserted hallway.
Regulus spoke first. “What happened? How is he?” he asked, his voice raspy.
James let out a harsh breath. “He had an accident on his motorcycle. Surgery went well.” He closed his eyes briefly before he continued. “It was touch and go in there for a while apparently. That was when you called. They say if he wakes up he’s likely to fully recover.”
Regulus felt his knees weaken and sank down on a plastic chair, resting his forehead onto his palms. He tried to take deep breaths, but it didn’t feel possible.
He heard James move too as he sat next to him. A moment later, he felt the reassuring touch of James’ hand on his back, and it was instantly calming, despite everything.
“Do you want to see him?” came James gentle voice after a few minutes of silence.
Regulus lifted his head to look at him, surprised. “Can I?”
James nodded. “Yeah. They said to be quiet so he can rest, but you can sit with him. Remus has been in there ever since he came out of surgery. Won’t leave his side.”
Regulus frowned. “Remus?”
“Oh. Uhm. He’s Sirius’—“
“—boyfriend,” Regulus finished, suddenly remembering all the times James had mentioned his roommate’s whereabouts. He had completely forgotten, hadn’t connected the puzzle pieces of the elusive roommate with his long lost brother.
Sirius had a boyfriend.
James nodded. “Yeah."
Regulus leaned back and James’ hand slipped away.
“I’m not sure Sirius would want me in there,” Regulus murmured quietly, feeling his face heat. He was suddenly sure that Sirius would hate his mere presence in the same hospital.
“What? Don’t be stupid. Of course he wants you there. Why do you think I called you?”
Regulus turned to him with wide eyes. “How do you know?”
James blinked once, twice. Then he huffed. “The two of you are unbelievable,” he muttered. “Sirius couldn’t shut up about you. Even before I met you, I mean. He talked about you all the time. He missed you so much, Reg. He felt so guilty about leaving you there. He thought about trying to contact you so often but he always… I mean, it wasn’t easy for him. Your parents… well, you know how they are.”
Regulus did know. He remembered overhearing the one-sided phone calls and threats and PIs. He had known his whole life, had complied with all their rules because he knew what would happen if he broke them, and had played the perfect son, even as an adult. But he hadn’t understood, not really, what they had taken from him. He felt anger bubble up inside him, hot and fierce and his knuckles turned white where he was clutching the plastic armrests. He decided then and there that if Sirius survived this, he would move heaven and earth to make him forgive him.
James must have seen some of his emotions on his face because he reached out and squeezed his hand. Regulus had the sudden urge to laugh, but he swallowed it down. He had hurt James so badly and yet here he was, comforting Regulus anyway, just because it was the right thing to do. He was too good for him.
Lily returned, steaming coffee in hand. “I didn’t know what you liked, so I brought some extra milk and sugar.”
Regulus declined both and swallowed the coffee down black. It wasn’t calming, but it soothed away some of the cold he hadn’t even realized he was feeling. He took a deep breath.
“Where is he?”
James took him to the room, and they slipped in quietly. James had warned him that it was jarring to look at, and Regulus still inhaled sharply. Sirius’ head was covered in bandages and he had one leg in a cast. There were bruises blooming on the left side of his face.
Next to him sat a harried-looking man with mousy brown curls and tattoos covering his arms completely, from his wrist all the way up to where they disappeared under the sleeves of his t-shirt. He had dark circles under his eyes. That seemed to be the look of the night. His eyes flickered up to them for a moment when they entered, and then back to Sirius. If he was surprised to see Regulus, he didn’t show it.
He made no move to get up or talk to them, so Regulus just pulled up a chair and said quietly on Sirius’ other side. James didn’t join him, but instead walked around the bed and crouched down next to Remus, giving him a short, tight hug.
“Since I’m not really useful here I thought I’d stop by the apartment, get changed, and get some clothes for when he wakes up,” James said, quietly so as not to disturb Sirius. “Do you need anything? I can stop by yours too.”
Remus looked doubtful. “Are you sure? It’s not exactly close.” He looked down at himself and grimaced. “A change of clothes would be nice, though.”
“It’ll take my mind of things. I just need to do something. I can’t stand the sitting around.” He took out his phone. “I’ll just get a cab.”
“A cab?” Remus asked. “James, it’s an hour away.”
Regulus cleared his throat. “Take my car,” he said and reached into his pocket to get out his key and gently tossed it over to James.
He caught it and blinked down at the key in his hand, then up at Regulus. “Thank you, that’s— you drive a Jaguar?”
Regulus shrugged. “It’s a good car.”
Remus snorted.
The corner of James’ mouth twitched. He still looked exhausted, but there was a little more light in his eyes. Regulus counted it as a win.
“Take Lily with you?” Remus said. “You must be tired. You shouldn’t drive alone.”
James nodded and left shortly after that, and Regulus settled into his chair.
He liked Remus, he decided after a while. Regulus had a special appreciation for people who didn’t feel the need to fill every silence.
It was about an hour after the doctor’s had been by during morning rounds with vague assurances and even vaguer prognoses, when Sirius’ hand in Remus’ twitched. Remus leaned forward abruptly. “Sirius?” he asked softly, taking Sirius’ hand in both of his. “Sirius, love, wake up.”
And as if all he had needed was Remus’ command, Sirius’ eyes fluttered open. And closed again immediately, brows furrowed.
“Fuck,” Sirius croaked. “Head hurts.”
The relief that washed over Regulus almost took his breath away, and he sagged a little in his chair, tension draining from him.
An involuntary laugh bubbled out of Remus’ mouth and he lifted the hand he was holding gently to his face to kiss it. His eyes were wet. “Welcome back, Pads.”
Sirius’ eyes opened again, and they found Remus instantly. “What… what happened. Where am I?”
Remus took a deep breath, collecting himself. “You had an accident. We’re in the hospital.”
“Ah.”
Sirius closed his eyes again for a few seconds and when he opened them again, his gaze fell on Regulus, and his eyes widened.
“Reggie,” Sirius whispered. “You’re here.”
“Yeah,” Regulus said roughly. “Yeah, I’m here.”
Sirius closed his eyes, smiling weakly. “Good.”
Something warm and hopeful spread in Regulus’ chest. It was a start.
Regulus cleared his throat and locked eyes with Remus over the bed. “I’ll go tell the nurses. And I’ll text James.”
Remus nodded absently, his attention already back on Sirius, and Regulus only heard snippets of their murmured conversation when he slipped out of the room.
“You are never getting on that bike again.”
“Moony…”
Regulus stopped the first nurse he came across and within minutes, multiple doctors and nurses hurried into the room. He sat in one of the chairs in the hallway, closing his eyes for a moment and trying to stop himself from shaking. Then he took his phone out.
Regulus: Sirius is awake. He’s talking. No more news yet but it looks promising.
The reply came just a minute later.
James: This is Lily, James is driving. Thanks. We’ll be there in 35 minutes.
James: Your car is really something.
Regulus: Thanks?
James: I don’t know if I love it or hate it.
Regulus: Uhm… okay?
James: It’s like, I love it because it’s fancy AF, but I also hate it, because capitalism. You know?
The rest of the day went by in a blur. Lily had to go to work eventually but James, Remus, and Regulus stayed all day, earning exasperated looks from the doctors and nurses. Sirius’ exams looked good but he needed to stay for observation for at least a week and Remus would stay with him, on an extra cot in the room. Regulus hovered at the edges, unsure as of yet how much space he was allowed to take up in this group.
He hadn’t even really talked to Sirius yet, and even though he had looked glad to see him initially Regulus was not going to take that for granted. For all he knew Sirius had, in his post-surgery haze, thought Regulus was a figment of his imagination. He did not get another chance to talk to his brother that day, but that was okay. The doctors were happy and Remus looked ten years younger now that it was almost certain that Sirius would be fine.
James and Regulus left the two of them on their own that evening and walked down to where James had parked the car.
Regulus cleared his throat, needing to break through the silence between them.
“Can I drop you off at home?”
“Thanks, but I think in New York traffic I’ll be in Brooklyn faster if I take the subway.” James said after a moment of hesitation. “Where… where are you staying? You are staying, right?”
Regulus shrugged. “Yeah of course I’m staying. I hadn’t really thought ahead that far yet. I guess I’ll get a hotel room.”
James frowned. “Don’t be silly. You can stay at the apartment. In Sirius’ room,” he hurried to add. “Or on the couch. Wherever.”
Anywhere, except in my bed, Regulus thought gloomily.
“I… all right. Thanks.”
Even if the subway was faster, Regulus still had to take his car with him so they walked the rest of the way down to the garage in silence. It occurred to Regulus, then, that staying with James was a spectacularly bad idea. As if he was going to be able to get in even a minute of sleep in that apartment with all its memories. And this awkwardness between them.
James seemed to have thought along similar lines, because when they had gotten in the car, he said: “Look, I know you’re not here for me and I will do my best to not make this weird for you. You’re here for Sirius and I understand and respect that.” Regulus watched him as he sat in the passenger seat looking down at his hands avoiding Regulus‘ eyes. “But when he’s better, when everything is less…,” he gestured vaguely around them. “… I was hoping maybe we could talk?”
Regulus was lost for words. He had spent the last month agonizing over how much he had hurt James, turning his own words, and the lack thereof, over and over in his mind. His guilt had become a constant companion. And yet, here James was, looking for all the world as if he had done something to Regulus. His stomach twisted.
“Yeah,” he said, and his voice was a little unsteady. “I’d like that.”
James did look up at him, then, his expression so open and vulnerable that Regulus had to fight the urge to reach out to touch him.
“Okay.”
The silence was better then, less charged, and they drove over to Brooklyn in silence, the radio on low in the background.
When Regulus stepped into the apartment, he was momentarily overwhelmed by the smell that hit him, and with it, all his memories of his time with James. He stood still for a moment, unable to put down his bag or take off his shoes, simply surveying the place where he had spent some of the happiest hours of his life.
He saw the vinyl shelf and the vintage record player which he now knew was Sirius’. He saw the little cardboard box that held the sticks of incense that Lily had once given James for Christmas. He saw the blanket he had wrapped around himself that one morning, when they had watched the sunrise, and James had held him like he was the most precious thing in the world.
“Are you okay?” James asked.
Regulus snapped out of his stupor. “Yeah,” he lied. “I haven’t slept in…” He checked his watch “about 40 hours.”
Regulus insisted on sleeping on the couch. Just because his brother was tentatively happy to see him did not mean that he was okay with Regulus sleeping in his bed. Besides, sleeping on the couch put more space between himself and James, and he sorely needed that.
As predicted, he slept horribly, tossing and turning. He couldn’t leave DC, he had law school to finish, but then what? It had been crystal clear to everyone around him for the past five years that he would take the bar and then become an Associate at Lestrange, Malfoy & Black. He had never been thrilled with the idea of working under his mother and his uncles but he had never dared to consider any alternatives.
Until now.
Eventually, he managed to push the thought away and get some sleep.
The morning felt eerily familiar. James made coffee and wordlessly handed Regulus his mug.
“Thanks,” Regulus murmured.
Regulus was about to head to the bathroom to change when James touched him softly on the shoulder. Regulus turned and froze.
James was holding out a shirt. His shirt.
“You got the stain out,” Regulus said softly.
“Yeah.” James looked self-conscious. “I would have returned it to you sooner, but I didn’t have your address and calling about that seemed a little…” He trailed off grimacing.
Regulus huffed a humorless laugh. “Yeah, well… thank you.”
James gave him a long look and then nodded and turned away.
Sirius was recovering nicely, as had been expected, but he spent most of his time sleeping. Remus stayed by his side day and night, and his eyes were so full of love and concern that it made Regulus understand with brutal clarity why all this had been worth cutting his family ties for. It made a knot of anxious sort of excitement bubble up in his stomach that he tried not to examine too much, at least not yet.
It was on the third day that Remus was finally forced to leave his boyfriend’s bedside because he could no longer take more days off work. James and Regulus both promised to keep an eye on Sirius, but Remus still looked worried when he stepped away and out of the room. Sirius smiled fondly after the door closed behind him. “I really did a number on him didn’t I,” he said sheepishly. It was the first day he was sitting up and he was more awake than he had been since the accident.
James snorted. “You should’ve seen him, Padfoot. He was completely out of it. We all were. Actually, I take that back. It’s good you didn’t see. It wasn’t nice to watch.”
Sirius tried to smile, but it came out more as a grimace.
“What’s with the nickname?” Regulus asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. Sirius looked at him, a little surprised. Regulus had visited every day but had hovered without saying much.
“It’s a tattoo I have,” Sirius said pulling the collar of the hospital gown to reveal an inked paw print.
Regulus sucked in a breath, suddenly remembering something. “Is that meant to be…?”
“… Snuffles? Yeah, that was the idea.”
Regulus had not thought about their childhood dog in years, but Sirius had been obsessed with the animal and heartbroken when it had died. He had been ten, Regulus had been nine.
“I can’t believe you have a tattoo,“ Regulus blurted out, shuttering to think what their parents would think, although the thought also amused him.
To Regulus’ chagrin, James burst out laughing, and Sirius laughed too, but his bruised ribs prevented a real outburst.
“Reggie,” he said when they had both calmed down. “I have like ten.”
Regulus gaped.
Sirius turned to James, whose eyes were still wet with tears of laughter. “Does he not know?”
James shrugged, his grin fading a little. “It didn’t come up.”
Regulus felt torn as he gritted his teeth. He had not seen James smile like that in weeks and it did horrible, warm, fluttery things to his insides. He was also keenly aware that James knew his brother better than he himself did and the jarring reminder was unpleasant.
“What?” He looked back and forth between them. “What do I not know?”
Sirius looked at him then, and he must have noticed something in Regulus’ face because his smile turned a little sad. “I am a tattoo artist, Reggie.”
Regulus blinked “Oh.”
He got flashes then. Of his brother, at seven years old, sketching astonishingly life-like drawings of Snuffles. Of a fight, years later, about fourteen-year-old Sirius’ room being covered in a mess of paper and pencil and their mother shouting at him to stop this nonsense and to do something useful with his time and to get this out of the house.
“Padfoot is the one who did my stag tattoo,” James added softly.
Regulus’ chest ached.
“I see.”
Sirius frowned. “How do you know his stag— oh god, never mind, don’t answer that, this is still weird.”
Regulus looked down at his hands, feeling blood rush into his cheeks.
“Prongs,” he heard Sirius’ voice then. “Could you give us a minute?”
When James had left, Regulus took a deep breath and opened his mouth to say something, but Sirius was faster.
“I’m sorry,” he blurted, his voice trembling. “I’m sorry I left you with them.”
Regulus stared at him, his throat tight.
“I thought about you every day and I wanted to come for you so many times, but then I found James and Remus and I know it’s not an excuse, but you know what our parents would’ve been like if they had found out…,” he trailed off, his eyes filled with a mixture of regret and desperation. As if he wasn’t quite sure if what he wanted to do at this moment was apologizing or justifying himself.
It took a moment for Regulus to find his voice again.
“I understand,” he said, and it was maybe the first time that he really did. He had only seen glimpses of the life that Sirius had found for himself here, and just what he had seen was filled with more love and support than what Sirius could ever have had at home. “I stopped being mad at you a long time ago.”
Sirius exhaled, and some of the tension drained from his shoulders. “You don’t know how much it means to me to hear you say that,” he said, almost too quiet for Regulus to hear.
They said nothing for a bit and Regulus thought maybe Sirius was too tired to keep talking. But then he spoke again. “So… how are you, Reggie? James said you’re in law school?”
Regulus exhaled.
“Yeah. Georgetown.”
“Oh god, they must have hated that.”
Regulus laughed bitterly. “‘It’s not Harvard but I suppose it’ll do’,” he said, in an eerily accurate imitation of their mother’s stern voice.
Sirius frowned but Regulus waved him off.
“They got over it eventually. I didn’t expect to get an Ivy, I was never as good as you.”
“That’s not true,” Sirius said softly. “You were always the smart one. I just messed around and got lucky.”
Regulus opened his mouth to protest, but then closed it again. It wasn’t the time.
“I'm sorry too,” he said instead. “For what I said when you left. I didn’t mean to be like them. I don’t want to be like them.” Even as he said it, he knew they were empty words. He had done nothing but follow in their parents’ footsteps in the past six years.
Sirius gaped at him. “Reggie, I didn’t mean any of what I said that day. I was so upset, I was in a panic. None of that was real. You were a child for god’s sake. I never blamed you for what they did to me. To us. You were just trying to survive.”
Regulus sagged in his chair. His hands were shaking.
“I’ll find a way to get out,” he said quietly. “I don’t know how, yet, but I will.”
When he looked up, Sirius was smiling, widely and genuinely.
“Well, little brother, you know where to go when it gets rough, right?”
Something warm and heavy spread in Regulus’ chest, and he had to blink a few times before he was able to answer. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I do.”
Sirius was discharged five days later with explicit instructions for Remus about how to care for him. He still needed to be on bedrest for at least another week before he could start walking around on crutches and it infuriated him, of course. Sirius had never been good at sitting still.
He was staying with Remus until he was more mobile. The condition for his release had been that he rented a wheelchair from the hospital for the first week, which he had only grudgingly agreed to. “Just let me spoil you,” Remus had told him softly, and kissed the side of his head when he had complained about it to them.
Regulus had offered to drive them, since he needed to go back to DC anyway and Remus’ apartment was on the way. Regulus could afford to miss a week of school, especially in his last year, but his absence was getting harder to explain to his parents, and he did have to show his face on campus eventually, even if it was just to keep up appearances. So Regulus would drop them off at Remus’ and continue on home.
James had insisted on coming along and taking the train back. They hadn’t talked about it explicitly, but Regulus knew it was because he wanted to talk. They had put it off until now, in silent agreement, and Regulus still didn’t know what to tell him.
“Are you really driving back today?” Sirius asked, while they waited by the car. James and Remus were carrying up his bags.
Regulus nodded. “But I’ll be back. I promise”
Regulus hesitated and then stepped forward to lean down and give his brother a hug.
Sirius froze, just for a moment, and then hugged him back. “Go easy on him, yeah? He is a goner for you,” Sirius murmured into his ear. Behind them, they heard James and Remus barrel down the stairs towards the car.
Regulus straightened and stared down at his brother with wide eyes.
“You ready, Padfoot?” James asked from behind him.
Sirius nodded. Remus turned to look at Regulus and stretched out his hand. “It was nice to meet you, Regulus. I hope I’ll see more of you.”
Regulus shook his hand, nodding. “You will.”
“There’s a nice café a few minutes from here,” James said after Remus and Sirius had left. “Shall we grab something before we talk?”
The nervous energy between then felt palpable.
When they had their coffee they sat on a park bench and were silent for a few minutes. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It felt more like they just needed time to collect their thoughts.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus said, finally. “For lying about my name. It’s… I mean, I assume you know I’m not out.”
James looked at him sadly. “Yeah, that was Sirius’ theory.”
“You talked about me?”
He knew it was a stupid question the moment he said it.
James huffed. “Yeah of course. Sirius was… agitated as you can imagine. And you were all I talked about even before, so…” he trailed off.
Regulus swallowed, hard.
“I understand why you lied, that first night,” James continued. “The part where it gets tricky for me is the fact that we saw each other for six weeks. Six weeks, Reg. You practically lived with me by the end.”
Regulus felt shame creep up his neck.
“I knew you didn’t want to commit. You said as much and I continued to see you anyway. I know I was being a little self-destructive,” James continued. “But even though I knew you were going to leave, I was so sure you felt something for me. I could have lived with that. Having a crazy summer romance and never seeing you again? Yeah that would have hurt, but at least I would have known it was real.”
Regulus wished that James was angrier at him. Anger would have been easier to deal with than whatever this was.
“But you didn’t even trust me enough to tell me your real name, after weeks of sleeping with me. What did you think I was going to do? Go to the press?” He paused briefly, looking up at the sky. He was blinking too much. “It just would have been nice to know earlier that it didn't mean anything to you.”
“What?” Regulus’ head snapped up. “You think it didn't mean anything?”
James looked back at him helplessly and shrugged. “Tell me what you’d be thinking if you were in my shoes.”
Regulus looked back down at his hands.
“It...I- It meant something, James,” he said, without looking at him. “It meant a lot.”
He heard James’ exhale. “Well,” he said sadly. “I’m not sure what to do with that, Reg. Even if that's true, you still would've just left at the end of the summer. It doesn’t change anything.”
Regulus closed his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said again, because there was nothing else to say.
“Thank you,” James said. There was a pause. “Sirius said… he said you’d be around more? Maybe?”
Regulus looked up at him and nodded. “Yeah… I have some things to figure out at home but. Yeah I’ll be around. Is that… is that okay?”
James smiled at him then, although his eyes were still sad. “Yeah, of course. Don’t worry about me. I’ll get over it.”
Please don’t, Regulus thought helplessly, selfishly. Just give me some time.
“Okay.”
James drained his coffee. “I think I’m going to head home.”
Regulus’ chest hurt.
“Yeah, alright.”
They stood and looked at each other for a moment and then, to Regulus’ astonishment, James stepped forward and folded him into a hug. Regulus closed his eyes instinctively and hugged him back, hoping James didn’t notice the way his smell overwhelmed him, making him feel weak in the knees.
He sat on the park bench for a long time after James had left.
Regulus went to his classes and he went to emotionless dinners with his parents and he studied. But he felt like someone had taken a filter off of his life and he could finally see it for what it really was. Practical and cold and empty.
Christmas was what really opened his eyes. He had never noticed before how utterly devoid of meaning all their festivities were. Nothing seemed genuine or even remotely intended to covey affection. It was all an act, a facade. With every second that passed, Regulus was closer to getting into his car and not stopping until he reached that stupid Brooklyn apartment where he had lost his heart and found his brother.
He wasn’t going to keep living this empty, meaningless life a second longer than he had to.
He did genuinely like the law, he’d been surprised to realize. He had no issues with becoming a lawyer. But he was not going to work in the family law firm.
He was not going to marry some socialite and sire the next generation of Blacks.
He was not going to be his family’s pawn anymore.
They were scary thoughts, all of them. But they also filled him with a buzzing excitement about the future that he had not realized he was capable of feeling.
So when he wasn't in class or at his parents’ galas, or at networking events, he was thinking, trying to figure out what he wanted. And then he thought about how to get what he wanted without ruining his life in the process. Sirius was, in a way, lucky that what seemed to be his calling was something his parents would never have any influence over. If Regulus antagonized them too much, they only had to snap their fingers and there wouldn’t be a single law firm on the East Coast that would give him a job. That was the kind of family the Blacks were.
Every couple of weeks, he went up to New York for a few days. He told his parents that he was having lunches and mixers with law firms in the area, which of course they were delighted by. But instead, he spent time with Sirius.
His brother was walking again, not for long, but it was enough that he’d moved back in with James, since he didn’t need Remus so much anymore. They told each other about their lives, and even though Regulus knew that they could never get back those six years they had missed, he could feel the rift between them shrink with every time he saw him. On a particularly intense evening, they both had a little too much wine and took a not-so-pleasant walk down memory lane that left them both with wet eyes and Regulus with his chest feeling tender and weak. “It gets better, the more you talk about it,” Sirius had told him as he gently squeezed his hand.
Sometimes they fought, but it was a sort of productive way of fighting. Not all of their issues could simply be dealt with by talking it out. They spend a lot of time alone but sometimes they went out with Remus and James and Lily.
James was polite and friendly, but his eyes never lingered on Regulus and he didn't initiate any long conversations. Regulus got into the habit of watching him when he wasn't looking, which he knew was a little creepy but he couldn't help himself. James was still painfully handsome, and Regulus hated it a little bit, but he seemed content. And while his heart was aching for James to look at him, to see him, to touch him, a part of him was glad he wasn't pining. That he seemed to be happy.
"Is he seeing anyone?" Regulus blurted out one evening. He and Sirius were in the kitchen waiting for their pizza to defrost. James wasn't there. He barely seemed to be there whenever Regulus stayed over. Regulus had asked Sirius if he should get a hotel when he visited, but Sirius had waved him off. "He's just with Lily, probably. He's fine with you staying here." Regulus wasn't sure about that, but it was no use arguing.
Sirius looked up from the pizza with raised eyebrows. "James?"
Regulus rolled his eyes. "Who else would I be asking about," he snapped.
Sirius grinned.
"I knew you weren't over him."
Regulus didn't dignify that with an answer but he felt the blood rush to his face.
"So?"
"No, Reggie. He's not seeing anyone."
Sirius was speaking softly, and Regulus couldn't look at him.
"I see."
Sirius laughed.
"You should talk to him. Really. We are all dying to know what happens when you both stop pining for each other."
Regulus gave him a horrified look. "He's not pining, he barely even looks at me."
"Not when you're watching."
Regulus exhaled hard, his heart beating faster.
“I have been… planning something. That I wanted to run by you,” Regulus said slowly. And he began explaining.
Sirius’ eyes got wider and wider the longer he talked.
***
EXCLUSIVE: REGULUS BLACK, SON OF VIRGINIA SENATOR, OUT AND PROUD
by Clarence Hawthorne
In a surprising turn of events, Regulus Black, currently in his last year at Georgetown Law and son of Virginia's Senator Orion Black, has come out as gay.
“They were surprised of course," Regulus Black tells our reporter about his family’s reaction. “it's not something they had expected, but I know that they will always support me. Family values have always been the most important thing for us, and family have each other’s back. But I understand that people will be surprised by this, and by the changes to my father’s politics that this will entail.”
Senator Black has been running on a firmly conservative platform, opposing same-sex marriage and the Equality Act for his entire time in office, but it looks like that may change with this new development.
When asked if he is currently dating anyone, Black laughs charmingly but won’t reveal a thing. “I don’t kiss and tell, Clarence.”
***
When James got home, Sirius and Regulus were huddled on the couch. He instinctively steeled himself for the stab of dull pain he’d gotten used to over the past few months whenever he looked at Regulus, but he was pleased when it didn’t come. Actually, he mused as he took off his coat and his shoes, it had been a while since he had felt seriously hurt about the whole thing.
He wasn’t sure why, exactly. In the beginning, it had been hard, seeing Regulus so often, but it was also fascinating, as if he was getting to know him all over again. He watched him and Sirius slowly but surely repair their relationship and when they hung out as a group, he saw sides of Regulus that their brief, intense time together in the summer would never have allowed him to see.
James had been there, when Regulus had found out what Sirius’ salary at the tattoo shop was and why he could not simply replace his broken laptop but had to save up for it for a couple of months. When Sirius had refused to let him pay for it, they had gotten into a fight. Sirius wasn’t generally above accepting help. The rent that James, or rather, James’ parents, charged him for the room was significantly below market and Sirius had been grateful, but not too proud to accept it. James suspected it had to do with the fact that Regulus’ money was, in Sirius’ mind, their parents’ money, and he had no intention of ever touching that again.
So Regulus didn’t buy him a new laptop. But the next time he visited, he brought two full bags of groceries, claiming they would have gone off if he had left them at home. When James asked why he happened to have his fridge stocked with all of Sirius’ favorite snacks, Regulus pretended not to hear him, and kept bringing groceries whenever he visited.
When it came down to it, he was still the same person James had fallen in love with in the first place. He was smart, and quick-witted, and didn’t suffer fools gladly, but he was also soft and caring and sensitive, even though that was only visible occasionally, when his façade cracked. Regulus wasn’t kind, exactly, but when he cared about someone, he did so fiercely and, if needed, a little aggressively, in a sort of roundabout, scheming way.
James understood him better now, understood why everything had happened the way it had happened, and that helped.
Regulus had made no attempts to rekindle their… relationship, if you could call it that. It hurt, but James also knew he was being a little selfish, thinking that. Obviously, reconnecting with his brother was the priority, not the stupid summer fling who caught too many feelings.
James was about to slip quietly away into his room, as he usually did when Regulus was around but he paused, noticing the tense atmosphere in the room.
On the couch, Regulus was wrapped in three blankets and had a steaming mug of tea in one hand. On the other one, he was nervously biting his nails, and his eyes looked a little wild. The only other time James had seen him this distraught had been at the hospital.
James hesitated for a moment, but then decided not saying anything would be weirder than doing so. “Hey, what’s going on?”
Regulus’ eyes flickered up to him and then back down to his tea, without answering.
Sirius wordlessly handed James the newspaper. He scanned it, confused for a moment, until he saw a short article at the bottom of the page. He could feel his composure slip as he read and looked up at Regulus with wide eyes when he had finished.
“You didn’t.”
Regulus laughed, but it sounded weak and nervous. “I absolutely did,” he said miserably and buried his face under the blanket.
“Come on, Prongs,” Sirius said, groaning. “Don’t undo my hard work here. I’m trying to talk him out of his anxiety, not further into it.”
James grimaced and sat on the floor next to the couch. “Sorry, I’m just surprised. I thought,” he looked nervously up at Sirius, trying to phrase what he wanted to say in the least jarring way possible. “That coming out to your parents was not an option?”
“It wasn’t for me, no,” Sirius said. “But I am not a scheming little snake like Reggie here.”
Regulus, whose face was still buried in his blanket, blindly reached out to smack his brother. Sirius ducked, grinning.
Realization dawned on James and he sucked in a breath.
“Wait, are you saying you gave this interview without talking to your parents first?”
Regulus’ blanket moved in what James assumed was nodding motion. Sirius was beaming.
“It’s genius, isn’t it?” he said, regarding his little brother proudly.
Regulus just groaned.
James had known for a while now why Regulus had made the choices he had made, but it felt like he only now really understood the strain that his relationship to his parents had been. James was blessed with wonderfully accepting and liberal parents who had made his coming out into one of the nicest experiences of his life. He knew, of course, that not everybody had it this easy - Sirius was his best friend after all – but he hadn’t understood it, not really, until now.
“I’m confused,” James said, handing back the newspaper.
It was Regulus who answered him, emerging from his blanket hiding place.
“I had my lawyer deliver a letter to my father this morning, together with the paper,” he said, his voice rough. “I gave him an ultimatum. He can either publicly support me and leave me, my career, and Sirius alone for the rest of our lives, or we are going to the press and telling the world about…” he faltered for a moment.
“…the abuse,” Sirius finished gently, and squeezed his brother’s arm. “We don’t have any proof, of course, because it was years ago, but with midterms this November, I doubt he would risk even the rumors.”
Sirius looked a little pained when he said it but there was also something light about him that James hadn’t really seen on his best friends before.
“Wow,” James said, not really sure how to react to all that.
“You disapprove,” Regulus said, and it was a statement rather than a question.
James shook his head, vehemently. “Oh god no. I know I don’t know everything but what I’ve heard from Sirius is enough. They deserve what’s coming for them.”
Regulus look so relieved at his words that James had to stop himself from reaching out and touching him.
“So we’re waiting for your father to respond I assume?”
Regulus nodded. “But we won’t know until after the weekend. My phone is off, and he doesn’t know where I am, so he has to go through my lawyer.”
James nodded and stood.
“I feel like this calls for waffles.”
Sirius cheered and Regulus gave him a small smile. James had made him waffles twice in the summer.
An hour later, the couch table was transformed into a waffle bar with piles of fresh, steaming waffles and bowls of fruit, chocolate sauce, and whipped cream. Sirius put on a record as the three of them ate, and Regulus looked less pale by the minute.
Eventually, they were all more than full, and Sirius yawned and stretched. “I’m going to bed. You okay, Reggie?”
Regulus nodded.
Sirius ruffled his hair as he stood. “Good night little brother. Night, Prongs.”
Regulus glared daggers at his back as he strolled into his room, leaving them alone.
James got up form where he had sat on a cushion on the floor and took Sirius’ place on the couch. They hadn’t been alone like this in months.
“Are you really okay?” he asked softly.
“Yeah,” Regulus said after a short pause. “Yeah I’m okay. I feel…,” he hesitated and his gaze became almost fierce. “I feel free.”
James smiled and his heart jumped a little.
“I hope this doesn’t sound patronizing, but I’m really proud of you. This is huge.”
The corner of Regulus’ mouth twitched, and he looked down at his mug. “Thank you.”
James had been holding himself back from touching Regulus all evening but now that they were alone, his resolve was crumbling. He reached out before he could stop himself and let his thumb caress Regulus’ cheek. Regulus still wasn’t looking at him, but James saw the way his eyes fluttered shut as he inhaled and instinctively leaned into James’ palm. His lips brushed against the delicate skin of James’ wrist.
James felt like he was on fire.
He slowly pulled his hand away.
Regulus looked up at him and his eyes were burning.
“I should go,” James said, and it came out low and rough.
Regulus opened his mouth to reply but then closed it again and swallowed.
James fled into his bedroom, his heart hammering loudly in his chest, and started pacing.
Suddenly, Regulus was there, had followed him into his room. There was burning intent in his eyes that reminded James of how he had looked the night they had met.
“James,” Regulus said, and he was standing so, so close. “I…”
James was still processing the fact that he was in his room when Regulus leaned up and kissed him.
It took a second for James’ brain to kickstart, and then his hands were in Regulus’ hair and he had kicked the door shut and they were kissing hungrily, desperately, like they were making up for lost time. James had missed him, so, so much.
He had missed his taste and his smell and the feeling of his slender fingers running across his chest. He had missed the little noise he made when James trailed his lips along his jaw and down his neck so he could gently suck at the skin of his collarbone. He had missed the way Regulus slid his fingers into his hair to drag his face up towards him when he was impatient for another kiss. He had missed—
“I missed you,” Regulus breathed into his mouth and James felt his own laughter bubble up inside of him.
But then he remembered where they were and what had happened that day. And how fragile Regulus had looked just a little while ago.
With considerable willpower, James gently pushed Regulus away a few inches so he could look him in the eye. They were both breathing heavily, and Regulus furrowed his brows in confusion.
“We shouldn’t,” James said gently.
James watched as first hurt, then understanding, and then disappointment flickered over Regulus’ face before his expression shut down into a neutral one. James wanted nothing more than to pull him back out of whatever corner of his head he had hidden himself away now.
“I see,” said Regulus, and took a step back, out of James’ grasp.
“No, Reg, I—” James said quickly and followed him. “I don’t mean— “
“You haven’t forgiven me.”
“I— what?” James was so surprised that he forgot what his actual point had been.
“You haven't forgiven me,” Regulus repeated.
James shook his head. “No. That’s not it at all. I forgave you a long time ago.”
“Then what?”
James hesitated. He had a hunch Regulus wouldn’t like his reasoning. “You’ve had a pretty intense day? So… I’d feel like taking advantage.”
Regulus, predictably, glared at him. “So, what, you’re being all moral and whatnot because I’m—,” he paused. “—vulnerable?” Regulus sneered when he said that last word, as if its existence personally offended him.
James' lips twitched. “I guess so? You don’t have to look so grumpy about it.”
They looked at each other for a moment and then Regulus rolled his eyes. “I guess that’s very noble of you,” he grumbled.
James laughed unsteadily.
“When all this chaos has died down and you still want to… we’ll talk then. Okay?”
Regulus huffed but the sharpness slowly bled away from his gaze.
“Fine,” he said, looking down at his feet.
James felt a little bit like he was flying. He stepped forward and folded Regulus into his arms. “I missed you too,” he said quietly into his hair. He felt Regulus press his forehead against his chest and inhale deeply.
“You’re an idiot if you think I won’t want you.”
The words were muffled against his shirt but they made James’ heart soar all the same.
Regulus slept on the couch, as he always did. James almost went out into to the living room to pull him back into his bed three times, but he stayed strong. He had been serious. He really wanted Regulus to figure this whole thing with his parents out before… whatever had almost happened between them happened for real.
James’ plan had been to simply continue as he had before, without making a big fuss about it, until he and Regulus could talk again, but he hadn’t counted on Sirius. Specifically, he hadn’t counted on Sirius being perceptive for once in his goddamn life.
“What the hell is that?” Sirius asked the next morning when all three of them happened to be in the kitchen, getting breakfast and making coffee.
James turned around to see Sirius staring at Regulus who was looking back at him with a blush creeping up his neck. Sirius was staring at his brother’s chest at where the first two buttons of his shirt were still undone and under it, you could see –
James felt heat rise in his own face and he cleared his throat looking away. He hadn’t meant to leave a visible mark but there it was, peeking out from under the cotton of Regulus’ shirt.
“Prongs, dearest,” Sirius said, calmly, dangerously. “Please tell me you did not sleep with my brother with only one layer of plasterboard between us.”
James’ face was still hot when he said, “I did not sleep with your brother with only one layer of plasterboard between us,” at the same time as Regulus snorted and muttered into his coffee, “I wish.”
Sirius groaned. “This is the worst,” he said theatrically and stomped out, leaving James smiling stupidly at Regulus in the kitchen. Regulus was looking back at him with mischief shining brightly in his eyes.
James was suddenly, breathtakingly sure that everything would be okay and it made him feel heady with happiness.
It took two days for Orion Black’s office to respond with a press release in support of his son. If you could call it support. James felt a broiling anger in his stomach when he read it. It was vague and slimy and left his future political stance completely up in the air. But he was just supportive enough that Regulus would know he had accepted his terms. James was sure that his lawyer had received a much less cordial response to the ultimatum, but he hoped Regulus wouldn’t read it, and would simply let his lawyer filter out the important information for him.
The moment the interview had been printed, Regulus had gotten a new phone number and had put his DC apartment up for sale. He was going to get a different, smaller place a little out of town for the remainder of his studies where his parents wouldn’t know the address. Unless they wanted to make a public scene on campus, they would have no way of contacting him other than through his lawyer.
Regulus was back in DC now going to classes and viewing apartments. James couldn’t wait for him to come back and, for once, the feeling wasn’t tinged with latent anxiety, just with sweet anticipation. It didn’t help that they had started texting.
Regulus: I hate apartment hunting.
Regulus: I am sending over pictures. What do you think?
James: too fancy. too polished. no character 🤨
Regulus: I thought you’d say that
James: why even ask me then?
Regulus: Just confirming my suspicions
James: of my good taste? 😌
Regulus: Of your questionable interior design opinions
James: ha ha
Regulus: Did I mention it has a sauna?
James: reg, oh my god. save your money!!!!!!
Regulus: This would be more fun with you here
James: the two of us apartment hunting in DC the same week you publicly came out? the press would eat it up…
Regulus: I don't care
James: :-)
James: please help. your brother is wiping the floor with me at trivia night 😭
Regulus: I fail to see the problem.
James: Ugh. 🙄 I think I liked it more when you guys weren’t speaking. It’s unnerving for you to be all… brotherly.
Regulus: …
James: I’m sorry, was that an insensitive joke? 😰
James: I love that you get along, you know that
James: please tell me I didn't just irrevocably fuck up?
James: I really was just being a little stupid 🙈
Regulus: relax James
Regulus: it’s just fun watching you squirm
James: you could do that better if you were here...
Regulus: …
James: 😊
James: when are you back?
Regulus: Two weeks. Miss me already?
James: I missed you the moment you walked out the door
Regulus: You're a sap
James: get used to it 😌
Regulus: :-)
Regulus ended up being gone for four weeks.
James missed him almost more intensely than he had during those months when they hadn’t spoken. The closer his return date came the more anticipation was pooling in his stomach and he was giddy with it. Sirius and their friends teased him relentlessly about it, but he didn't mind. Sirius made a show out of being exasperated by the fact that he liked his brother, but James knew that he was secretly pleased.
The morning Regulus was scheduled to return, James woke early and decided to cook a full breakfast just to keep his hands busy. He was going to be buzzing with energy all day so he might as well put it to good use. Sirius grinned happily when he walked into the kitchen just in time to be served fresh pancakes.
When there was no more food to cook, Sirius graciously distracted him by making him help pick Remus’ birthday present. They spent at least two hours on the Internet, looking at collectible editions of his favorite books and writing down antique book shop addresses so Sirius could go hunt for first editions.
"Moony loves that nerdy shit," Sirius said fondly and with so much affection in his voice that James’ chest ached a little, but in a good way. He couldn't wait to uncover all of Regulus’ secret nerdy hobbies so this could be him someday.
Regulus was scheduled to arrive at 4 PM and Sirius had graciously cleared out. "I won't do this every time," he told James sternly.
"I know,” James had said, rolling his eyes and pushing him out the door.
Twenty minutes later, Regulus stood in the doorway, and James’ heart was suddenly in his throat, and he was gripped by cold, suffocating dread. What if he had misinterpreted? What if he had assumed all this time that Regulus wanted to be with him, when he really didn't? What if –
“James?” Regulus’ voice snapped him out of his train of thought as Regulus stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He had only a second to register how handsome Regulus looked in his black button-down shirt before Regulus was crowding him against the wall and kissing him, sliding his fingers into James’ hair. James shivered and pulled him close, too overwhelmed to think coherent thoughts.
“Are you done being noble?” Regulus asked as he mouthed along James’ jaw and nipped lightly at the skin just under his ear. James felt dizzy.
“Uhm… depends,” he said unsteadily, forcing his eyes open. “Are you going to leave and shut me out again?”
Regulus stilled against his neck and then pulled back. “No,” he said quietly, sounding a little hurt.
James exhaled and opened his eyes to look at him. Regulus’ eyes were unreadable.
“I’m sorry,” James said “That was phrased badly. I promise I won’t keep holding that over your head.” He squeezed Regulus’ hip where he was still holding on to him and took a deep breath. “What I meant to say is… do you really want to be with me?”
Regulus raised his eyebrows, the blank look in his eyes thawing a little.
“I mean,” James continued, feeling the need to clarify more, as if he could erase what he had said before by simply adding more words on top them, “that I can’t do casual with you. Not again. So, if we do this, I need to know that we’re on the same page.”
Regulus was smiling now. “We’re on the same page, James.”
James’ heart leapt.
“Yeah?” he asked.
Regulus nodded, stepping closer again.
“Yes.”
“Only if you have any doubts at all—”
“James, for the love of god, I am serious about you. I want to be your stupid boyfriend and kiss your stupid face whenever I want and go on stupid double dates with you and my stupid brother and his—” he caught himself. “—actually, quite decent and smart boyfriend but you get the gist. Will you shut up and let me take off your clothes now?”
“Yep, yes, okay, let’s do that.”
James felt like he would burst from happiness.
Later, in bed, James was lazily, languidly moved up Regulus’ body, memorizing every inch of his torso with his lips.
“You’re ridiculous,” Regulus mumbled sleepily. “Come here.”
He pulled James up so he could kiss him on the lips and then curled against his chest, pressing his forehead against James’ collarbone.
"The whole time I was gone I just thought about coming back here.”
“To New York?”
Regulus shook his head.
“To me?”
Regulus nodded.
James grinned and pulled him closer, burying his nose in his curls.
“You’re a sap,” he murmured.
Regulus yawned. “Don't tell anyone. Need to maintain my image.”
James ran a hand through Regulus’ hair and was glad that Regulus couldn’t see his face.
He was grinning like an idiot.