Chapter Text
“Pass the popcorn this way, Jeongyeonnie!” Nayeon whined from the other end of the couch.
Sandwiched between Nayeon and Jeongyeon were Dayhun, Sana, and Momo. Jihyo and Tzuyu were squished into a large, puffy recliner, Tzuyu asleep on Jihyo’s shoulder, while Chaeyoung and Mina were huddled in a blanket on a loveseat across the room in their own little world as a movie played.
It was the friend group’s weekly movie night, which was always held at the apartment Mina shared with Sana, Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Jihyo, and it was Jeongyeon’s turn to pick what to watch. Nayeon didn’t like the movie choice—some thriller—so she was antagonizing Jeongyeon any chance she got.
Mina snuggled further into Chaeyoung, wrapping the blanket a bit more tightly around them, as the other girl shouted predictions, competing against Jihyo to see who’d be right.
Mina let their voices and laughter wash over her, not really paying attention to the movie, but letting a small smile play on her lips as she took in the warmth being with all of her friends brought her. She especially liked to spend time with Chaeyoung like this, even if Chaeyoung didn’t know how she felt, not yet… Not ever if Mina continued this way, silently pining.
Only Momo and Sana knew how Mina felt about Chaeyoung, and they loved to tease her about it, as evidenced by the winks Sana would shoot her way throughout the night and how Momo orchestrated everything so Mina and Chaeyoung just happened to end up on that loveseat together.
What they didn’t really know was that tonight just wasn’t a great night for Mina. Her head felt heavy and her thoughts were against her. While being with her friends helped, it just wasn’t enough that night.
You don’t deserve Chaeyoung so don’t even try, the voice in Mina’s head said. You don’t deserve her in any way. You don’t deserve Sana, Momo, any of your friends here…
Mina tried to shut out the voice, but it had been growing more powerful lately, and was at its strongest that night. So while her friends' antics—now including Nayeon straight-up throwing popcorn at Jeongyeon—continued around her, and Mina laughed along with everyone, she felt further and further away from them with every forced laugh.
Eventually she just stopped laughing and tried to lose herself in Chaeyoung’s scent. The other girl always smelled like summer, refreshing and bright. If brightness had a smell, it was indeed Son Chaeyoung herself. Mina wished she could fall asleep right then and there, with her arms wrapped around Chaeyoung’s waist, with Chaeyoung’s arms around her, maybe after pressing a kiss to Chaeyoung’s temple, or maybe after Chaeyoung kissed her…
Mina was jolted from her daydream by the movie ending and her friends launching into their typical discussion, or more like debate, about the ending. Tonight Jihyo and Nayeon had teamed up—an undefeatable team. Mina felt bad for Momo and Jeongyeon, who were trying to argue against them. Chaeyoung eventually piped up in support of Jihyo and Nayeon, and Mina got lost in the cadence of her voice.
Soon it was time for their friends to leave, and Mina begrudgingly left Chaeyoung's side to hug them goodbye.
“Tell her!” Momo whispered in Mina’s ear as she hugged her.
Mina’s face blushed bright red.
“Not yet!” Mina said in Japanese, worried about Chaeyoung overhearing.
Momo just chuckled before waving goodnight and pulling a still arguing Jeongyeon out the door with her.
“Minari,” Sana said as she pulled Mina close even though she wasn’t leaving, but just going to the bedroom she shared with Dahyun. Mina thought Sana was about to do the same as Momo, tell her to go after Chaeyoung, but instead she whispered in her ear.
“Are you okay? I saw you weren’t really paying attention, and not in a I’m so lost in my love for Chaeyoung way.”
Leave it to Sana to see right through Mina, just like she had ever since they met in high school as exchange students.
“Don’t worry,” Mina said, which she knew wasn’t really an answer to Sana’s question. She also knew Sana knew that too. “See you in the morning?”
“I’ll see you in the morning,” Sana said. She hugged Mina one more time before going down the hall to her room.
As Mina watched her other friends go, she internally groaned. Sana would be all over her now. She appreciated it, she really did, but she didn’t deserve it. At least that’s what the voice in her head told her.
Don’t bother Sana. Let her live her life free of worries about you. Don’t be selfish.
Yet Mina couldn’t deny that a small part of her was relieved someone knew. Even if Sana only had the slightest inkling, it felt so much less lonely knowing someone else knew she wasn’t totally okay.
And she felt so selfish for that.
“Hey, whatcha doing?” Jihyo appeared beside Mina.
Mina realized she’d been staring at the closed door to their apartment in their friends’ wake for who knows how long now.
“Oh, I’m just tired,” Mina said with a small laugh.
Jihyo looked Mina up and down and Mina shrunk from her gaze.
“Okay,” Jihyo said. “Then let’s get to bed.” She patted Mina’s arm, and Mina nodded.
Even though they were the same age, sometimes Mina forgot and thought of Jihyo as older than her because she had such a commanding presence.
She washed up, put her moisturizer on, and headed to their shared room. Chaeyoung was sprawled out on her bed, watching some videos on her phone.
She grinned at Mina as she walked into the room.
I want Chaeyoung to think I’m normal. That I’m not a burden. That I’m someone she could love.
“That movie was wild,” Chaeyoung said.
I didn’t notice. I was too distracted by you.
“Sure was,” Mina said with a nervous laugh.
Chaeyoung flipped over on her side to keep talking to Mina as she slid into her bed on the opposite side of the room.
I wish there wasn’t all of this space separating us.
“Nayeon unnie sure was angry with Jeongyeon unnie,” Chaeyoung said with a laugh.
Mina giggled and nodded, though she wasn’t sure Chaeyoung could see her in the dark.
“I wonder what Jeongyeon unnie will choose next time…”
I’ll watch anything so long as it’s with you.
Mina felt a bit pathetic for having these thoughts, but she couldn’t get Chaeyoung out of her mind even if she tried. And she sure had tried.
Soon Mina drifted to sleep, first dreaming of a day with Chaeyoung. It was simple, the two of them biking through a nondescript park, the sun on their backs and smiles on their faces. But soon it turned dark, like the sun had disappeared from existence. Mina lost sight of Chaeyoung, of what was right in front of her, even of herself.
She could hear Chaeyoung calling to her from somewhere, but she had no idea where that was. It felt like she was underwater—the pressure of the dark waves moving her at their own whim, Mina helplessly sinking deeper and deeper under.
I hope Chaeyoungie is okay , she thought as what felt like seaweed tangled her up.
And that’s when she realized this was how she felt on a daily basis—under water, cut off from the world, hoping everyone else was okay even if it met her own destruction, getting pulled further and further under as she lost sight of herself and everyone and everything surrounding her…
Then there was a warm hand and someone calling her name. Mina wanted to swim toward them, but she didn’t even know which way was up until someone pulled her and her head broke out of the darkness and into a light so blinding she had to shut her eyes as soon as she emerged.
“You’re okay,” Chaeyoung said, except Mina knew it wasn’t Chaeyoung. It was dream Chaeyoung. But she’d take her in any form. “You’ll be okay…”
Chaeyoung’s voice faded away and Mina opened her eyes for real. She gulped in as much air as possible, taking in the dark room around her, lit only by the streetlight below their window. It took her a moment to realize she was in their apartment, not underwater.
She got out of bed and stood by the window. She was shivering, but not because she was cold. She wrapped her arms around herself as she looked out at the quiet alleway. Sometimes she wished they lived in a busier part of the city. Would there be more noise, more distractions? Would she sleep better?
She turned and took in Chaeyoung’s sleeping form. She wondered what the younger girl was dreaming of. Were her dreams good? Did she sleep well? Did she wake up rested?
Mina looked at her own bed and sighed. After a dream like that, sleep didn’t seem too welcoming. She grabbed the blanket from her bed and curled up in a chair by the window, eventually nodding off with her head pressed against the glass, her dream nothing but darkness.