Chapter Text
Wednesday, August 15, 2018 - 5:00 PM
Puerto Lobos, Sonora, México
1 Year After the Events at the Border
Ah, another day in paradise. Sean sits at his desk at the large window facing the beach. Waves crash against the shore as the tide goes out. The sun peeked through the clouds. The water seemed to glisten under the evening light. Esteban was right, Puerto Lobos was the perfect place to settle down and retire- Sean thinks if only he could have made it to that point in life. Staring down at a blank sheet in his sketchbook, Sean couldn’t get his mind to go quiet. He’d sat there, head in his hands for the better part of the past hour. Far too much of the past year had been spent isolated from society. It hadn’t done him any good to be by himself after everything that happened. In all honesty, it only served to make things worse. Another not-so-happy birthday, his second since the events that changed his life. Days like this never feel the same as they used to. Holidays were tainted with a shade of gray, solemn, and bittersweet.
Today was a day just like any other, really. Sean went to work alone, sweat his ass off in the Mexico heat, and came back to a house that seemed far too big, and far too lonely. Just like most days, Sean spent his time in the silent quarters of his own thoughts. Wondering if he’d made the right choices. If any of this was worth it if he’d done so much just to end up alone. He’d lost just about everything, worked so hard he wasn’t sure how he kept going- and what was it for? There wasn’t anything to show for it other than the shell of a house his father used to call home.
If he’d done things differently, maybe he and Daniel would still be together. If everything he’d done up until that point at the border a year ago was for Daniel, losing him made it feel like there wasn’t really anything left for him. Really, he only hoped that Daniel wouldn’t grow up to resent him for what happened. Sean was trying his best, it was all he could do. He was aware that he couldn’t go back, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. He’d lost his friends and his family, and though he could have tried to make new connections in Puerto Lobos, none of it felt worth his time.
Well, congratulations, he’d made it to eighteen, finally of legal age, and finally considered an adult. Seems a little silly now. He’d grown up a long time ago, having to parent Daniel before he was even legally allowed to drive a car. Sean wondered to himself, today especially, why he even bothered. He couldn’t exactly find it in himself to live for himself, really. It was the thought of Daniel never getting to see his big brother again. Sean held out hope that he’d see him again one day. It was a dream, a stupid fantasy- but it kept him going. Most days, he could hold onto that for a sense of normalcy. He’d gotten pretty good at ignoring this growing pit in his stomach. Today was different, though. The kind of guilt he couldn’t shake. He’d never felt this disoriented. Of course, it only took a day like this, his birthday, to drag up everything he’d tried to suppress.
He’d missed out on so much- Daniel’s 11th birthday, driving the car his father had promised him, reaching the end of high school and walking down the aisle to graduate with Lyla, stressing over colleges and skipping summer parties because he’d rather watch movies with his little brother. Wishing he could go back and enjoy those little things while he had them. He’d never gotten the chance to tell anyone from home how much it all meant to him.
He missed the cold, the city lights, and the trees. He missed listening to Daniel scream at his PlayBox through the thin walls between their bedrooms. He missed his dad singing in the kitchen in the morning before school. Hell, he missed Beaver Creek, for fucks sake. His grandparents weren’t all that bad anyway. He would’ve traded any night alone in this house for a night at theirs. And California. God, did he miss California. Never did he think he’d look back fondly on cutting weed and sleeping on the ground, but that whole ordeal seemed entirely preferable to any of this. More than that, he missed the people. The noise and the laughter. He missed the quiet mornings before the sun had risen. Drinking coffee with Hannah and Penny. He missed sitting around a fire after the day was done. Drawing while Cassidy sang one of her songs or strummed her guitar.
In more ways than he could even express, he missed Finn. Stupid, introspective, and undeniably sweet- there was just something about him that Sean couldn’t get over. Foolish, really. It’d been over a year since they’d last seen each other. Sean thought about what could have been more than he was willing to admit, even to himself. There wasn’t any going back to that, Sean was well aware of that fact. It hurt to think about it, yet he couldn’t really help himself. It was a self-indulgent thing, taking up any free space when he wasn’t feeling sorry for himself. The more he thought about it, the more he wished he wasn’t so scared of making a move sooner. There was so much left unsaid.
There were so many people Sean wished he could call. Maybe he could have, but the fear of the consequences always stopped him before he picked up the phone. Lyla, Brody, his grandparents, Cassidy, and Finn- Sean wondered if any of those people missed him as much as he missed them. If they even thought about him, or if it was like he was a ghost of their past, a passing memory.
Sean had found ways of keeping up with the case, here and there, to ensure Daniel was alright. The press stopped covering the situation once Daniel was placed with their grandparents, and that’s all Sean needed, really. Daniel was safe and could grow up happy, go to school, have friends, and not live on the run for the rest of his life. It’s what he deserves: a chance. A chance that wouldn’t ever be granted to Sean. By all known accounts, he was a cop killer, and he couldn’t step within fifty miles of the US without being hunted down on the spot. Sean knew better than to try and contact his brother. But Goddamn, some days- days like this, he really wanted to.
All that being said, he found himself grasping at straws, trying to put his feelings down on paper. ‘I’m lucky enough to be here now, and not dead, or worse…’, he thought.
Puerto Lobos was a tiny place on the water. Finding Dad’s place was just short of a damn miracle, and it was more or less still standing. Sean had set himself up a good place over the past year, and luckily, there were fine enough people living close by. People are willing to pay him under the table for hard work, no questions asked. Not that he hadn’t had a couple of brushes with danger since then. Indeed, this was a lot safer than being in America. Sean tried looking at the brighter sides of things. It was all he could do to ease the way this felt. He woke up every day as a free man on a sunny beach in Mexico. All he hoped was that he was doing right by his father, doing all he could to do the right thing. Wherever he was, he hoped Esteban would be proud. “Eighteen..” Sean mutters to himself, tapping his pencil on the blank paper. “God, I feel so much older.” he chuckles.
It’s a funny feeling. Somewhere between bittersweet and just plain tired. All this hard work, but what was it for? To survive? Cooped up in some workshop a place that still doesn’t feel like home. How could it? It’s not like you can make much of a home when no one else is living there. Sean leans back in his chair, stretching and running his hands through his messy hair. Some attempt at self-soothing that never really seemed to calm his nerves. He’d been sitting at his desk for what felt like forever. Most days, he could zone out, let his hands do the work, and draw something, anything. Today, he couldn’t sketch a line without stopping and running himself up a wall with all these thoughts.
He rolls his head, rubbing the back of his neck as he looks around. His pistol lay next to his worn-out sketchbook; the weapon was something he just couldn’t take the chance of leaving too far away. Over the past year, he’d had his fair share of close calls with people asking too many questions or trying to rob him of what little he had left. Maybe he was becoming a little paranoid, but one couldn’t be too careful in his situation. After all, he was a wanted criminal in all of the United States, whether he deserved that title or not.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
A set of knocks at the front door sent Sean’s stomach up to his throat. He’d jumped up in his seat, heart pounding in his ears. Visitors weren’t exactly a common occurrence for him. The last time there was a banging at the door, Sean ended up with a bloody nose- wishing he’d had something to defend himself other than his fists. This time, Sean swipes the pistol off the desk, swirling around in the chair to check the front door. As he nears the front door, another trio of knocks rings out through the house's quiet. Sean stops in his tracks. The anxiety was dizzying. “Fuck,” Sean curses to himself, squeezing his eyes shut as he takes a deep breath- an attempt to steady himself.
The knocking began again, louder this time, which only served to heighten Sean’s anxieties. Gripping his pistol with one hand, Sean twists the doorknob with the other, pushing it open. “Woah, woah, woah-” Sean’s eye meets a pair of vibrant blue ones, tired eyes and a gentle smile. A nervous laugh reached Sean’s ears, and his heart nearly stopped. “You greet all your visitors with a gun to the chest?” That voice. That syrupy-sweet southern tone was all too familiar. Sean was frozen in place; he’d practically stopped functioning altogether, ringing so loud in his ears that it was a miracle he was still standing. Surely, he was dreaming this- maybe this time he really had lost it. All this time alone had finally caught up to him, and today must’ve just been his breaking point. No way in hell this stupid, goofy stoner was at his doorstep.
Regardless of how unbelievable it seemed, Finn McNamara stood before him, hands raised in surrender. Dawning a loose tank top and baggy jeans that sagged at his hips and a backpack over his shoulders, there was no denying it. His hair had grown out significantly, and he looked a little older. Maybe, just plain tired.
“Hey, hey,” Finn tilts his head slightly to the side, eyebrows furrowed. That same charming smile appears on his lips. Teeth peeking through pink lips. “You okay, Sweetheart?”
This seriously could not be happening. There were a million questions Sean wanted to ask, even more things he wanted to say- to do, but he couldn’t move. He stood there like a deer in headlights, sputtering an attempted hello and blinking over at him like he’d disappear if he looked hard enough. Finn seemed to catch on to Sean’s state of shock, eyes softening and lips pressing together for a moment. “Honey-” Finn’s voice came out softer, quieter. His hands lower slowly. “How ‘bout we start by puttin’ down the gun, huh?” Finn’s hands meet Sean’s trembling one, wrapping around the gun barrel- which was just about pressed against his chest. “There ya go,” Finn mutters as Sean’s grip loosens. Finn slips the pistol from his hand, clicking the safety on and tossing it down into the dirt beside them.
Sean’s head was spinning. He’d all but forgotten how to move, how to breathe, how to speak. Everything he’d been convincing himself of this past year had just been flipped on its head. Sean had just about convinced himself he’d never see anyone he cared about again. He was sure Finn would live as a memory in his head for the rest of his life- that he’d spend forever wondering what could have been. He’d just about come to terms with it, too. Looking over at Finn, his vision blurred over. He didn’t look much different from the last time Sean had seen him, lying in a hospital bed. Sean would be lying if he said he never wondered what this moment would be like- not that he ever thought it would happen. If there was ever an off-switch on human function, Sean had found it. Everything seemed to stop, and his head kept spinning. That last time he saw Finn was one of the worst nights of his life, walking away from something he so desperately wanted. This was harder than anything he’d done in a while. It felt impossible. It was all too much, too fast, and he wasn’t at all prepared for something like this.
Once the gun was out of his hands, Sean’s arms fell limp at his sides. His shoulders slumped as he felt his chest cave in on him. There was an overwhelming thud of his heartbeat in Sean’s ears, and he could feel a knot in his throat as he held back tears. Finn takes a step closer, slipping his hands into Sean’s and holding them tight. Sean couldn’t bring himself to look up, to meet his eyes. His gaze stayed stuck on the worn black and gray tank top that clung to Finn’s chest. It was all so overwhelming. Sean knew if he tried to say a word, if he tried to move at all, he’d fall apart. Sean didn’t know how to react, what to say, or how to say it.
Looking down at Finn’s tattooed arms, the bracelets that hung on his wrists, and the way Finn’s fingers locked with his- it was starting to become real. Saying he’d hardly felt physical touch this past year would be a wild understatement. The feeling of Finn’s hands in his was enough to have heavy tears filling his eyes and pouring down his cheeks.
“Oh, Sean,” Finn releases Sean’s hands, only to wrap his arms around his shoulders to hug him tightly. That was enough to have Sean crumbling against him, knees buckling as he sobs against Finn’s chest. Finn eases the both of them to the desert ground, pulling Sean into his lap. “‘s okay, Sweetie-” Finn mumbles, lips pressed to the top of Sean’s head. “I know, Honey, I’m here.” Every word seemed only to make Sean cry harder, letting out sobs he didn’t know he’d been holding in all this time. It felt like his lungs were going to give out, shaking with every gasp for air, barely able to breathe through the tears. Sean couldn’t name the emotion if he wanted to; there were too many. He’d never felt so overcome with emotion in his entire life. He was relieved to finally see a familiar face, desperate for comfort and unbelievably elated to see Finn again. It felt like all this time, he’d been holding the weight of the whole world on his shoulders, and just for a moment, Finn had come to let off some of the pressure. The relief was unimaginable. “It’s okay, Baby, let it out,” Finn mumbles soothingly, squeezing him tighter. “You’re okay, Sean, you’re gonna be okay.”
Sean had been trying to get a word out for a while now, cut off by cries he couldn’t keep in if he tried to. He’d taken a few shaky breaths, then whimpered. “You- You’re- here-” Sean manages to choke out, throat feeling like it’s closing in on itself. He squeezes his eyes shut, feeling hot streaks run down his face. Holding Finn around his middle, his fingers twist in the fabric of his shirt. “Finn, you ha-have no f-fucking idea-” he hiccups, coughing, then sobbing again, face buried in Finn’s chest. “I tried so-so fuc-fucking hard-”
Finn hushes him, holding onto the back of his head, fingers curled into his hair. “Shhh, Baby, I know. Sweetheart, you did good.” Finn’s words were precisely what Sean needed to hear, and it felt so damn good to hear it coming from him. He chokes his way through another wretched sob, clinging to Finn for comfort. “I know, Sean, I know. It’s alright, Sweetie, you jus’ let it out.” Sean whimpers in protest, sniffing and huffing for air. “I ain’t gonna judge, I promise.”
That makes Sean giggle a little, only to curl further into Finn’s arms and cry a little harder. Everything he was trying not to feel just came flooding back with one pretty memory. Not just the hurt but all of the things he could have had. The all-encompassing feeling of being safe in Finn’s arms. It felt like impending doom, knowing the end is coming, and there’s nothing you can do, the panic, the dread, and still, somewhere in there you just have to come to terms with it, maybe you can even find peace in it. It felt like a whole lot of free-falling through the sky with no parachute. The flipping of your stomach that rushes through your entire body and straight to your head. The dizziness of a first love, the rush. Losing someone, falling in love, all of it, all at once. That’s what it felt like.
For however long Sean needed it, Finn was there, holding him close, swaying from side to side as he whispered quiet, comforting words. Sean couldn’t be sure of how much time had passed. He was sure it wasn’t much longer than a couple of minutes, though it could’ve been forever in his head. Once his sobs had turned to whimpers, Finn loosened his hold around him, running fingertips over his back. Finn kept talking occasionally, gently pulling Sean back to reality out of the spaciness of his own distress.
Out of the storm of his own emotions, Sean was finally able to comprehend what was going on around him in reality. His head was still buried into Finn’s chest, and he was practically sitting on his lap, somewhere between his legs. Sean slowly pulls back, and Finn loosens his hold, allowing Sean to sit back on his heels. Finn holds onto Sean’s shoulders, a simple reminder that he was there. “Hi,” Sean sniffles, blinking over at him through teary eyelashes.
“Hey Sean,” Finn smiles with a light laugh, the contagious kind that left Sean with a grin of his own.
Sean couldn’t help but chuckle at the situation he’d found himself in. He felt foolish, having so easily fallen apart at the slightest gesture. This wasn’t how he’d ever pictured seeing Finn again. Sean looks down, noticing Finn’s tank top, still clenched between his fingers and dampened with blotches of tear spots. Glancing around them, Sean notices Finn’s bags sprawled across the ground. His face flushes, and he meets Finn’s eyes. “I’m- I’m sorry, I-”
Finn shakes his head, chuckling again. He squeezes Sean’s shoulders. “Don’t start with that, Sean, cm’here,” Finn mumbles, pulling Sean in by the back of the neck and kissing his cheek. Finn hugs him tight, honest, and grounding. “I waited this long to see you, Sweetie. I couldn’t care less about a couple of tears.”
Sean never wanted to move again. He could’ve happily stayed here, Finn’s body pressed against his, for the rest of- fucking forever. It’d been far too long since anyone had said his name, much less said anything of any meaning to him. Even longer since anyone had even hugged him, Finn couldn’t have known any of this. Sean was sure he seemed a little crazed, but none of that seemed to matter. Desperate for any kind of human connection, it really didn’t matter who was willing to show it to him; he could’ve cried at the touch of a hand- well, he had, really. This, though, meant so much more to him than he could ever express with words. Finn had quickly become a very important person in his life and had left just as fast. Sean was long since tired of losing people. It was all he seemed to do anymore. Finding someone who stuck around, someone who would come back- it seemed impossible. Yet here Finn was, defying the odds.
There was so much Sean had to say, so many things to tell him- it seemed there wasn’t a good way to start talking. Finding the right words or the proper order in which to say them. The realization had only just begun to set in. Finn was real, living and breathing and holding onto him. “You’re here,” Sean whispers, lips pressed into the crook of Finn’s neck. “You’re really here,” repeating himself, Sean pulls back just to look at him again. Sean’s hands run up Finn’s chest, cupping his face. “I can’t-” Sean shakes his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
Finn gives a lopsided smile, eyebrows raised. “Surprise?” he laughs a little, and so does Sean. Relief came in waves, washing over him and calming the rush of worries in his head.
“I can’t believe it,” Sean mutters again, scanning Finn’s features over again. He looked dead tired. Sean rubs his thumb over the stubble on Finn’s cheek. “I’m so glad you’re here, Finn.”
Finn presses his lips together, nodding, “Me too.”
“You-” Sean shakes his head. “I mean- are you staying?”
Finn laughs at that, fingers wrapping around Sean’s wrists. “I haven’t gotten in the front door yet, Sweetie. I don’t got any plans on leavin’.”
Sean’s eyes widen, “Shit, yeah-” he mutters, clamoring to his feet almost immediately. “Come on-” Sean holds out a hand for Finn and pulls him to his feet. Finn brushes off his knees, collecting his bags and following Sean into the house. “It’s kind of a mess in here right now,” Sean excuses as Finn shuts the door behind himself. “I wasn’t exactly expecting guests.”
“‘S alright, Laddie-” Finn waves a hand, dropping his bags on the floor by the beat-up old couch. “Don’t matter to me.”
Then Finn stood up straight, head tilted to the side, eyes on him. Sean felt like a kid again, foolishly fumbling through conversation- trying to seem cool, hoping he’d be liked by people arguably more interesting than himself. Heat rising to his cheeks, Sean clears his throat. “Sorry, it’s just-” he stops, hoping to find the right words, not to make a fool of himself. “I still just-” he chuckles. “I can’t believe this.”
“You better,” Finn jokes, bumping his shoulder. “Only took me forever to get here.” Sean shakes his head. Finn’s carefree attitude always had a way of making Sean smile.
“You want a water or something? I-”
Finn cuts him off before he can ramble on. “Yeah, that’d be good.”
“You can sit down, you know,” Sean adds, gesturing to the couch. “You look like shit.”
“I look like shit?” Finn scoffs, falling back against the couch. “You looked in a mirror recently?”
“Yeah,” Sean huffs, shrugging, “Kinda hard to do that with one eye.”
“Damn, Diaz,” Finn mutters, a little stunned, eyebrows raised. “Got me there.”
Sean giggles, turning on his heels and heading into the kitchen. For a moment, he thought this whole thing could’ve gotten awkward if he’d given himself the chance to overthink it. Perhaps a joke about the reason they were separated to begin with wasn’t the best choice- and he kicked himself for it immediately. Either way, he supposed, it lightened the mood. He grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and goes to the couch. “Here-” Sean calls out, tossing the bottle to him before sitting down beside him. Finn chugs about half the bottle before twisting the cap back on and turning toward Sean. Before Finn could get a word out, Sean let his worries do the talking. “I’m sorry, Finn, I should’ve called-”
“I get why you couldn’t,” Finn replies quickly, touching Sean’s knee. “Or, you know, why you wouldn’t’ve wanted to.”
Sean shifts to face him, grabbing his wrist. “No, I wanted to.” Then came a wave of guilt that had his words stuck in his throat. “Fuck- I wish I had the guts to pick up the phone.”
Finn seemed to brush it off quickly, “It’s okay, Sean, you had your reasons.”
“No, I-” Sean sighs, a little frustrated. Finn takes his hand, locking their fingers tight. Sean relaxes for a moment, looking down at their hands. “I had so much I wanted to say,” Sean whispers after a moment of quiet. “I still do.”
“Then what are you waiting for?”
Sean had spent many nights replaying a conversation like this one. Acting out what he could’ve said if he ever called Finn back. He even wrote a few letters he’d never sent and resented himself for the things he’d left unsaid at the hospital. He had all the time in the world to come up with the right thing to say. Now, given the full opportunity to do so, his words seemed to escape him. More than that, he wondered if it was all too little, much too late. If anything, he did have to say served any purpose now, over a year later. Did Finn stay up like he did most nights, longing for something that had only just begun? Did any of it mean half as much to him as it did to Sean? Was it even worth saying after all this time? All the things Sean had felt for Finn, he’d never said out loud. It wasn’t fair to Finn. It wasn’t fair to either of them at this point for Sean to keep it to himself.
Sean shakes his head. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“What’s goin’ on up there?” Finn smiles, lifting a hand to poke him in the forehead. “Top a' your mind.”
“I’m sorry,” Sean blurts out, feeling stupidly sick with guilt. “If I-”
“Don’t give me that shit,” Finn mutters sternly. “I don’t wanna hear about the what-ifs. We’re here now, right?” Finn cups the side of his face, his thumb brushing over the scar below his eye. “And we can’t change the dumb shit we did, but we can try to move on.”
Sean shakes his head again, head down. “It’s not that easy.”
“I know it isn’t,” Finn obliges quietly, chewing his lip. “I’d be lyin’ if I said I didn’t spend most of the past year feelin’ sorry for myself. But I knew there was somethin’ I could do to try and make it right. So I’m here now, and I’m tryin’.”
“Why?”
“Cause it’s the least I could do,” Finn shrugs, tilting Sean’s head up until he meets his eye. “For you.”
Sean shakes his head again, “You didn’t have to.”
Finn scoffs, “I almost cost you your life, Sweetie.”
“No-” Sean frowns, watching Finn’s eyes. “You don’t owe me anything.”
Then Finn smiles fondly, holding both of Sean’s hands in his. “I didn’t do any of this 'cause I feel like I owe ya, Sean.” Finn looks down at their hands, biting his tongue for a moment. “I did it 'cause you deserve it.”
“Don’t say shit like that.”
“I mean it,” Finn presses, squeezing his hands. “Maybe-” he laughs a little under his breath. “Maybe I was bein’ a little selfish comin’ here, too.”
Sean frowns, “What do you mean?”
“Well, I could just say I did this all for you,” Finn rubs the back of his neck, a little guilty. “And I did! I really did-” he waves a hand, a smile lighting up his eyes.
Sean giggles, “But?”
Finn looks down again, biting his cheek to hide a smile. He quiets a moment before admitting, “But I missed you.”
That sentence alone had Sean wanting to tackle him into a hug, kissing him until his lips felt numb. Instead of all that, he blushes a deep shade of red, cheeks hurting from the smile plastered on his lips. Looking up at Finn only seemed to make it harder not to kiss him. Finn’s cheeks had dusted their own shade of pink, lips pressed together, fumbling with the bracelets on his wrists. “I missed you too,” Sean replies quietly. “A lot.” Finn chuckles, biting his lip. “I missed so much.”
“Yeah?” Finn finally meets his eye, a hint of apprehension swirling in the blue. He looks away just as quickly, turning to drag his backpack closer. “Which reminds me-” he grunts, struggling to unzip the old thing. “I got some stuff to show you.”
Sean breathes deep, biting his tongue- again, holding back a flood of emotions. There was still so much that needed to be said. Sean just couldn’t find the right way to bring it up or- well- bring himself to say it at all. He was going to, really, he was. Finn had only just walked in the door a few minutes ago, and Sean had already cried in his arms once. He only thought it fair to give it a little while longer before throwing all of that into his lap. It wasn’t easy to hold back a boatload of feelings he’d kept to himself over the past year and a half. He sat beside Finn, jaw clenched as he attempted to shift focus to whatever Finn had pulled out of the bag.
“I should probably uh-” Finn laughs a little, lap now covered in the things he’d pulled out. “I should probably explain myself a little, right?” Sean shrugs a little, eyebrows raised. Finn looks down at his lap, then up at Sean, scratching his eyebrow. “Right- uh- okay-” Finn fumbles over himself momentarily, sorting through envelopes. “You want me to like-” Finn glances up at him, brain fuzzy and dazed. “I’ll just-” he almost winces at himself. “It’s a long story-”
“Finn,” Sean calls his name, getting him to stop in his tracks. Sean puts a hand over his. “Tell me.”
“Here-” Finn picks up one of the smaller envelopes, holding it out for him to grab. “This one’s from your mom.”
Sean looks down at the envelope in his hands. “My mom?”
“Yeah,” Finn shrugs, rubbing the back of his neck. “I stopped in Arizona for a while. Your mom didn’t really give me a choice of staying.”
Sean frowns, “What do you mean?”
“I mean-” Finn laughs. “You want the whole story?”
“Yes-” Sean answers immediately, more than curious about what the past year looked like for Finn.
“Right, so, hospital, court, you know-” Finn waves a hand. “All that messy bullshit. I stayed with my brother while all that shit was goin’ on, and once I was off the hook, well-” Finn shakes his head, taking a deep breath. “It’s hard to find people who don’t wanna be found. Hannah and all of them, I tried, but..” Finn’s voice trailed off, getting quiet. Sean knew that those people meant a lot to Finn. They were really the only people he had left.
Sean mutters, “I’m sorry.”
Finn shrugs. “Don’t think half of ‘em even wanna see me after everything that happened. Hannah gave me a number, but it always goes to voicemail.” It’s quiet for a moment before Finn pipes up again. “Anyway, I kinda had to decide whether I was gonna start all over or, ya know, try and fix some of the shit I fucked up.”
“So where’d you go after California?”
“Well, I called Jake, and he told me where I could find someone who might know where you were. So, I went to Arizona. Explainin’ half this shit to your momma made me feel a little nuts, honestly. She was worried about me comin’ here, but she knew she couldn’t stop me trying.”
“So?”
“So she gave me a place to stay for a couple weeks and gave me all this-” Finn gestures to the collection of items on his lap. “To give to you.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, and I got a ride to the border, which helped a whole lot.” Finn watches as Sean opens the first envelope, unfolding the paper inside. “Yeah, I don’t really know what’s in it, if you wanna read em in private-”
“No,” Sean shakes his head. “Stay.”
So Finn does, sighing and leaning back against the couch with an arm over the cushions. Sean scoots closer, settling under Finn’s arm and cuddling into his side. Nothing had to be said. The whole thing almost felt like second nature. Finn’s arm wrapped around his shoulder, pulling him closer. It felt easier than Sean would’ve expected. With Finn holding him close, Sean looks down at the paper. A letter from his mom. It was the first tangible thing he’d had from family in a long time. The page looked like it’d been torn from a notebook, scribbled out, and rewritten more than once.
Sean,
I hope that if there is any god out there, he’ll let you get to your father’s home in Mexico unharmed. I’m writing this around a year since we last spoke. Everything you did, you did for Daniel. Esteban would be so incredibly proud, my son. You taught me that I need to be there for Daniel. I will be, Sean. That’s my promise to you. I may not ever be the mother you boys wanted, but if I learned anything from you, it’s that family MATTERS. Daniel is welcome in Away whenever he needs to be. You take care of yourself. You’re an incredible soul, Sean. It seems this Finn character is doing everything he can to relay this message. You’ve found your people, Sean. I added an envelope of things Daniel wanted you to have. Thank you for staying true to who you are. My doors are always open.
-Karen (Mom)
As if Sean needed another reason to cry. Tears had welled in his eyes before he’d gotten halfway down the page, and by the end of it, he was wiping his cheeks as tears continued to pour. Finn had pulled him in further, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. Sean takes a deep breath, folding the letter back up and making sure to put it back into the envelope safely. Pressing his lips together firmly, he inhales, holding onto his cheeks. Relief is what it was. Sean had spent so long wondering, never really knowing if anything he’d done this far was worth it. Knowing that his family- that Daniel was going to be alright- made him feel like maybe he could be okay too. “Thank you,” Sean whispers, barely loud enough for Finn to hear.
“Don’t thank me,” Finn mumbles, nose nuzzled in Sean’s hair. He picks up a larger envelope, tied closed with a string. “Here.”
Again, Sean takes it from Finn’s hand, pulling the string until the knot comes loose. Folding the top open, Sean noticed a couple of things. First to be pulled out was a set of photos. Some, he recognized, were from home- from his room. Pictures that used to be hung up on a corkboard in his bedroom. “Oh my-” Sean found his words escaping him. His mouth opened, but he found himself speechless, staring down at them.
They were his favorite pictures he and Lyla had taken the summer before, and a couple of group pictures with other friends. It all seemed like so long ago. It was an odd kind of nostalgia, something that didn’t even feel real. Looking at the pictures, Sean knew he’d been there, but it hardly felt like the person he was today. Along with those, a family photo from the last vacation Sean and Daniel had taken with their dad.
“This is-” Sean stops, looking over at Finn helplessly. “This-” Finn nods for him to keep looking, and with a heavy breath, Sean reaches a hand into the envelope. The last of the pictures were ones he’d never seen before—pictures of Daniel, one with their grandparents, and one with Chris. Daniel looked older in the last one, and Chris did, too. Daniel was smiling, and that was all that mattered to Sean. God, he missed Daniel so much. “Fuck-” Sean shakes his head, looking up at the ceiling to stop from crying again.
Then, he turns to look at Finn. “I don’t-” Sean huffs, shaking his head again. “I can’t-” Sean rubs a hand over his mouth. There weren’t words enough to explain what it all meant to him. Looking down at those pictures, knowing that Daniel was happy, that he’d made it out okay- to have physical proof of that fact meant the world. Sean meets Finn’s eyes. “Thank you, Finn. No one’s ever done something this nice for me before.”
“Your mom’s idea, really,” Finn excuses quietly, looking at the envelope. Finn was being a lot more humble than he should have been. He was much quieter than Sean ever remembered him, too. “The rest of that is stuff from Daniel, I’m pretty sure.”
“Really?” Sean pulls out the rest of the papers, a couple of Daniel's drawings. A note on the back of one asked Sean to redraw it for him. One depicted Daniel and Chris as their superhero alter egos, and another, a drawing of Sean on the beach. That one made Sean giggle a little. “I miss him.”
Finn chuckles, “He misses you.”
That gets Sean to sit up straight, eyes widened as he looks at Finn. “You talked to him?”
Finn nods, “On the phone, yeah.”
“Wha-” Sean scoffs in disbelief. “What’d he say?”
“It wasn’t a very long conversation,” Finn admits, shaking his head. “I could hear him bouncing through the phone, though. Should’ve heard him once he figured out it was me.” Sean giggles, unbelievably happy to hear all this. “But uh, he told me he misses you, you know, wishes you guys could be together-” Finn stops before Sean could worry. “But he’s good, Honey. He seems like, really good. I think they have him seeing a therapist or something. He’s got friends, and he likes living with your grandparents.”
“That’s good,” Sean feels a little lighter. For once, he didn’t feel guilty about feeling okay- Hell, this might’ve been the first time in over a year that he actually did feel alright. “Fuck, I just- I’m just glad he’s okay.”
“He is, Sean. You did right by him,” Finn assures with a soft smile. “You did the right thing, Sweetie. I knew you would.”
Sean shakes his head, unable to accept a compliment like that. “I did so much shit wrong.”
“Hell, Sean, that just means you’re human,” Finn turns to face him, making it clear he had a point to get across. “He adores you. Fuck-” Finn huffs, shaking his head in disbelief. “I fuckin’ adore you. Anyone that gets to know you would.”
“Don’t-” Sean bites down on his lip, wrestling with himself. It was hard to believe anyone had decent things to say about him. Most people- the general public at least, hated his guts. Maybe Sean had spent a little too much time looking online, reading what people had to say. Perhaps he’d internalized it all a little too much. Either way, comprehending that Finn really thought all of those things about him felt impossible. “Don’t say shit like that.”
“It’s true!”
“It’s..” Sean’s voice trails off, finding himself choked up again. Finn spoke with conviction and was utterly sincere in a way that had Sean’s heart twisting in his chest. “It’s not me.”
“Like hell it isn’t!” Finn scoffs. “I’ve seen you, man, the way you are with people. Hey, look at me,” Finn asks, tone softening at that last bit. Sean felt shameful tears threatening to pour down his face; features screwed up and tense. He shakes his head, eyes down. Finn cups the side of his face, a gentle touch Sean just wanted to melt into. “Sean?”
Fuck- if Finn weren’t so fucking nice about it, that’d be a lot easier to avoid. Begrudgingly, Sean looks up to meet Finn’s deep blue eyes. “You did everything you could. Situations like yours, Sweetie, there are no right answers.” Sean hated that he was crying this much but couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t just listen to him talk like that and not expect to cry. Finn didn’t always have the right way of putting words together, but when he did- it just about tore Sean apart. “You did everything you could, you hear me?” Closing his eyes, Sean gives in, nodding through tears. “You’re the best fuckin’ person I’ve ever met, Sean. Un-fucking-believable, you know that?” Finn drops his hand to Sean’s shoulder, squeezing. “You’re a goddamn saint. The world doesn’t fuckin’ deserve you.”
“Oh, shut up,” Sean laughs, no bite behind the remark. He shakes his head, wiping his eyes. “I’m just a person.”
“The best one I’ve met,” Finn adds. “And I’ve met plenty of people, Sean.” Sean could’ve tried arguing the point, but it didn’t seem like it’d change his mind at all. “I’m serious, man. It’s an honor just to know you- let alone be close with you. To be here with you, if you’ll let me.” Sean rubs his nose, laughing in disbelief. “Don’t you try to brush this shit off, I mean every damn word.”
“Finn-” Sean nearly whines, an unspoken plea for him to slow down on the compliments. Finn chuckles, hand dropping to Sean’s. Sean takes a shaky breath, steadying his emotions. “I’m so tired of crying today.”
“Right, okay, I’m sorry,” Finn concedes, backing off. “Had to get it off my chest at least once.” Finn sits back, giving him a little bit of space. Sean giggles as Finn pats the couch, looking for something. “Last thing,” Finn hands Sean a worn-out red bandana- Daniel’s. “He insisted you have it.”
Sean takes the bandana, wrapping it around his hand and holding it tight. “Thank you, Finn.”
Finn leans down, zipping up his bag. He stretches his arms over his head, leaning back against the couch cushions with a groan. “God damn, am I tired-” Finn sighs dramatically, cracking open his eyes to look at Sean. “You know I spent the past two days playing charades, tryna get a ride here?”
Sean laughs a little, “What?”
“I don’t exactly speak the language, Sweetie,” Finn replies with a lopsided grin. He shrugs. “And couldn’t walk here, not like I used to.”
Sean frowns, “Why not?”
Finn smiles softly at Sean’s apparent ignorance. He cocks his head to the side, pulling a face. “You really ain’t notice?”
Sean shakes his head in confusion, “Notice what?”
Finn gestures to the door, “Me hobblin’ through your front door a couple of minutes ago?” Finn was clearly flippant about the whole thing, but when the realization hit him, Sean’s face dropped—the accident. Finn is quick to excuse it. “It’s fine-”
Sean murmurs, “That bad?”
“It’s not that bad,” Finn laughs, trying to make light of the whole ordeal. He pushes himself onto his feet, throwing up jazz hands to prove his point. “See? I’m fine-” Finn stood a little crooked, clearly putting more weight on one side than the other. It made Sean crack a smile, but it didn’t shake the dreadful feeling. “I made it here in one piece, didn’t I?”
“Finn,” Sean stops him, nodding for him to sit back down on the couch.
“Yeah-” With that, Finn dropped the act, sitting next to him. “Uhm-” he swallows hard, fumbling with his hands in front of him. “I uh, woke up without feeling in my legs.” It was clear this wasn’t something Finn wanted to talk about, and Sean knew that. His voice was tense, a little strained as he continued. “Doctors said it was a spinal cord injury, not a severe one, but-” Finn sighs, frustrated. He kept his eyes on the ground, jaw clenched. “When I say I wanted to come with you that night, I mean it, Sean. But I couldn’t .”
Sean looks him over, scooting closer until their shoulders touch, “I didn’t know it was that bad.”
“It took months of physical therapy,” Finn continues, quiet. “I mean, I went to court in crutches for fucks sake.” Then he shrugs and looks over at Sean. “It’s fine. Now, at least.”
“Doesn't it hurt?”
“Not hurt-” Finn frowns, thinking of the right way to word it. “Not really, I mean it’s like a numb- feeling? And sometimes my legs just fuck off and decide not to work,” he chuckles under his breath, scratching his cheek. “I guess it hurts sometimes, but only on bad days.”
“I’m sorry, Finn,” Sean grabs Finn’s hand, head resting on his shoulder.
“I know it sounds bad, but it’s really not.” Sean knew pretty well that Finn was probably undermining it, but he didn’t feel the need to press the matter any further. “What about your eye?”
“It doesn’t hurt,” Sean answers quickly. “I get headaches sometimes. Otherwise, I’m pretty used to it now. It was hard in the beginning, but sometimes I forget what it used to be like.”
Then it was Finn’s turn to apologize, “I’m sorry.”
Sean agrees, “Me too.”
Finn laughs then, tiredly, “What a fuckin’ mess we are.” Finn leans over, head in his hands. “God, I’m fuckin’ exhausted.”
Sean chuckles, “Me too.”
“Sorry to drop all this shit on you today,” Finn mutters, lifting his head to glance over at him. “Hell of a birthday surprise, right?”
Sean’s heart wouldn’t stop skipping today. Just when he thought he’d relaxed a little, something else would come up and shock his whole system. Sean was more than speechless. Everything that Finn did, everything that had happened until this point- had his brain short-circuiting. The worst part was he hadn’t even had the chance to say I love you yet. “You remembered?”
“Course I did!” Finn beams, nudging him. “Couldn’t forget a thing about you if I tried, Sean.”
Sean hides a smile, shaking his head, “I don’t even remember telling you!”
“I remember,” Finn notes. “I could tell you-”
“I just-” Sean laughs. “I can’t believe you.”
“Yeah, well,” Finn stops, eyes on him. “Really, I was hopin’ to get here before your birthday, but, ya know-”
“You’re unbelievable,” Sean shakes his head.
Thoughtful- for him to do all this, Sean thinks. Finn was known to act on impulse, hardly thinking before words came out of his mouth. Worse when it came to actions, really, Finn didn’t think about the consequences of his actions until he was facing them. At least, that’s how Sean remembered him. Maybe- the incident in California had changed that side of him. It was an odd dichotomy- how different Finn was now, yet all too familiar. By no means was he a completely different person from the last time Sean saw him. A sweet talker, surely, that hadn’t changed; he was introspective and a little goofy.
Familiarity was just the kind of thing Sean craved. Everything in his life up until this point had felt far too foreign. There was no doubt that there was something new about this- but Finn’s presence felt the same. The energy around him buzzed in a way Sean never felt around anyone else. Maybe- that was just an after-effect of Sean’s feelings for him. Either way, that kind of thing hardly mattered to him. Sitting shoulder to shoulder in a quiet that seemed natural, Sean found himself content.
A ringing in the back of his head urged him to rush into the conversation. To spill his guts and stumble his way through a long-winded love admission- but it would’ve felt like he was pushing the subject. In time, tonight, surely, Sean would say it. The idea of opening his mouth now only served to ruin the moment. Instead, Sean takes a deep breath, eyes closing for a moment. Finn was the first to break the silence.
“You know, I’ve been thinking,” Finn starts, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand. “You live on a fuckin’ beach, Sean, and I have yet to see that view.”
Sean leans forward to look at him, muttering a suggestion. “Wanna go sit out there?”