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Beomgyu woke up feeling extremely off today. A huge sense of emptiness planted itself in his chest and wouldn't leave no matter what. He doesn't know if anyone else noticed, but he knew that when the simplest things irritated him to no ends, when he felt like he physically couldn't speak, when he had to force himself to smile or laugh something was extremely wrong.
He opted out of breakfast when Soobin invited him. Then lunch with Kang Taehyun (ew) and Hueningkai. He felt too.. angry to be around them, but couldn't find a way to tell them without sounding like a dick. So he had declined and stayed in his room all day. Presently, the morning, Yeonjun practically forced him out of the house. He's beyond irritated at being at being out so early and around someone else, but he tries to hide it by playing with his food. It's not Yeonjun's fault he's in a horrible mood. He's grateful Yeonjun at least took him for food and then brought them to a park.
They have little idle chatter back and forth. Even though Beomgyu can tell Yeonjun knows something is wrong, it still surprises him when Yeonjun suddenly says, "You know I'm here for you, right?"
Beomgyu doesn't really understand why Yeonjun's telling him that, so he nods, lips curling up into a playful smile, "Yeah, of course. Stop looking at me like I'm about to do something drastic. I'm fine."
Yeonjun's seems to accept it and rolls his eyes, mumbling something about how Beomgyu's gonna give him gray hair. Yet, Beomgyu can see in the elders eyes that he doesn't believe him.
Perhaps it was for good reason. Beomgyu, of course, finds himself sitting in that place again (the bathroom). Blood and all. It's funny really, how an accident can turn into something so huge. It all started from an accidental nick of his finger years ago, a tiny bit of blood bubbling up. Then he couldn't stop thinking about the blood and- and it spiraled. There's not much else to say.
Although, there is so much more to say. What's the story? The pain behind each and every tear of skin? Beomgyu looks along his legs. His first cut, closest to his hip bone, came some time after he first nicked himself and realized it wasn't that horrible to bleed.
A line of three cuts underneath that was a time when he was having a breakdown and decided to test the waters. Did it work? Like, did cutting actually erase mental pains? It's a complicated answer.
Sometimes.
Sometimes Beomgyu can cut and feel like an entirely new person, like he moved towns, got a new haircut, changed his style and found a whole different exciting life.
Sometimes Beomgyu can cut and just having a fucking bloody leg, stained with cuts that ache and sting to clean. Worse part? Blood clumps. Yeah, try scrubbing that off your leg when you're emotionally drained and crying. Amazing times.
Anyways... Besides those cuts he has a line of twenty. On his other leg he also has the same amount. Another huge, dark low he went through. He had a therapist once. His therapist told him to use a rubber band or write in a journal if he felt like cutting. So he did the exact opposite of that, of course. When having a mental breakdown do people seriously expect you to think clearly?
And each and every other cuts? Beomgyu all realized they spawned when he was going through something really hard. There's not really any other way to explain those times without being extremely depressing. This situation is already extremely depressing, luckily.
Instead of focusing on the past though, Beomgyu likes to focus on the present. Who needs the past when the future is what makes you, anyways?
Beomgyu sits with a bloodied blade in his hand, slowly going over his old cuts. Not pressing down and reopening the wounds, no, just dragging the blade over them. There's so much blood all over his legs Beomgyu thinks he might have really done it this time.
'Is it possible to die from blood loss in your legs if it's only from cutting?'
That's a good question to ask Google.
Beomgyu stares at his phone that's sitting on the bathroom counter. His hands are a mess, if he touched it he'd get blood all over it, obviously. Blood is hard to get off things.
Especially the cuts themselves. Beomgyu makes a disgusted face at his legs, there's many new cuts all over them. He didn't bother counting this time there's so many. His legs sting. This isn't a moment where he feels like a brand new person, but instead is just sitting with pain all over his legs. He feels lightheaded.
Why do I do this? He sometimes wonders. The answer is easy. You know how you want to use your phone? Well he wanted to use this blade. You know how you sometimes don't know what to eat? Well he didn't know what to do too.
Yeah, he didn't know what to do except find himself back in this bathroom with this blade. Sometimes it's hard to even identify what makes him cut. Sometimes he just feels so depressed like he wants to kill himself, so he does this. It's better than actually offing himself, right? Other times the reason is so crystal clear he actually feels justified in his want to hurt like this. The reason why he's here now? Well, he doesn't want to think about it. It's lame, embarrassing.
So is the dizziness he feels in his head, the weakness and- oh, is that blood seriously dripping down his legs? Lame..
"Hey Siri," he calls to his phone, voice shaky. The device responds in a beep, "Am I lame?"
"No. You are not lame," the device responds.
It's right. He's awesome, "Thanks," he says in reply. The device doesn't respond. If there's anyone, anything he can count on it's Siri. Or his blade.
His friends. What about his friends? He thinks about if he should call one of them. But then he thinks about how there's not really anything for them to do about the mess he's found himself in.
Kang Taehyun would look at him with those big doe eyes and scrutinize him. The bastard.
Hueningkai would be scared shitless. An instant No. He could never traumatize the poor boy like this.
Soobin would be more panicked about this whole situation than Beomgyu actually is, and in turn make Beomgyu panic. 'What did you to yourself Beomgyu?!' 'Why did you do this Beomgyu?!' 'What if you died Beomgyu?!' Soobin's a loser.
And Yeonjun? He would probably look at Beomgyu in disappointment. That would hurt worse than any of the other three.
Or maybe they wouldn't react like this at all, who knows. Beomgyu can only guess. Hueningkai is growing up nicely (he still wouldn't ever dare to think of showing the child something like this). Soobin is more calm nowadays. Taehyun would be able to efficiently take care of his cuts (while being patronizing, the asshole). And Yeonjun... He doesn't know.
If he had to, kinda, seriously, sorta choose any one of them to be here though. It would kinda, seriously, sorta be Yeonjun. The other has this effect on him that makes him feel like he's at home, like he can melt into the others embrace and literally tell him anything. And even if Yeonjun can't solve his problems, he can solve Beomgyu's urges to harm himself with one hug (read: temporarily).
No one has the power to solve Beomgyu's problems fully except himself, after all. Yet, Beomgyu is so bad at solving his problems he's bleeding out on the floor debating if he should call one of his friends. Beomgyu knows exactly why he ended up in this position -was it on purpose or accident? does he actually want to die?- but it's not fun to think about.
He would ask for help too.. But asking a friend to help him out with something like this is just too much. What person willingly would want to go and see their friend in such a state, anyways? So he kinda, seriously, sorta would rather possibly bleed out than call any of them. Especially since they already left the house a few hours ago.
"Hey Siri, what's the weather like today?" Beomgyu asks.
"It's currently 32°C," the little device replies.
Yeah, no way in hell is he gonna ask one of his friends to come back here when they're probably all cozy and warm some place else. They could get sick! He'll be... Fine. If he's a little honest, he's found himself resenting his friends a bit. It's not their fault at all, and he wouldn't ever blame them, but it's hard struggling when no one seems to notice. And even when they do, it's still hard.
"You look skinner. Have you eaten?"
"You look tired Beomgyu."
"Are you sick? Your face looks like it" (Courtesy of Kang Taehyun, that fucker).
"Isn't that hot?"
It's annoying when no one notices because everyone else seems to get to move on happily while he's stuck here debating if the weather is too cold to ask someone to help him from, possibly (not that he actually needs it. he's being dramatic. seriously), beeding out.
On the other hand, when people notice they start to have questions. And questions aren't fun to answer. And when you tell them the cold hard truth they get that look of pity in their eye and begin to worry about your every move. 'Does he look sad? What did that sigh mean? Is that an accidental scrap or a self inflicted one? He seems more depressed than usual and there's a chainsaw, do I need to hide it? Is he gonna jump off a roof and kill himself because I disagreed with him?' Okay. A little extreme. But still.
Beomgyu's hand loses its grip on the blade and it clatters into the splotches of his blood on the floor, 'Fun,' he thinks sarcastically. He'll just.. Stay here until the blood clumps.
....
'Knock knock knock.'
Beomgyu jumps. He literally closed his eyes for one second and he's already hallucinating. Wait, that doesn't make any sense- The bathroom door opens. Oh. Oh! Oh..
"Beomgyu..?" A voice hesitantly calls out, probably smelling all the blood already.
Beomgyu's hidden behind the door. He thinks that they might just go away after hearing no response but then it closes and there's Yeonjun standing right in front of him.
Yeonjun's face crumbles into something that feels far worse than disappointment upon seeing him. Pain, fear, despair. Guilt?
Beomgyu snaps to. He really doesn't want Yeonjun to be looking at him like that. It hurts to make someone else hurt that much, especially unintentionally. He sits up straight, or at least tries to, "I'm fine- I just- just uh-" ...This is hard to explain.
"Just what, Beomgyu?" Anger. Yeonjun scrunches up his nose and furrows his eyebrows in anger. He seems to realize that anger isn't the appropriate response right now with how quickly his face soften again, and then changes to panic, "Oh shit you're bleeding so much."
He quickly crouches and opens the cabinets underneath the sink, grabbing out a couple towels before hurriedly going over to Beomgyu, crouching again. Beomgyu would find how frazzled Yeonjun looks funny, he's like a puffed up fox. But it's not really funny. In this situation, it never will be.
He hisses out an 'asshole' when Yeonjun presses the towels hard against his cuts. Yeah, it's to stop the bleeding or something. Whatever. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
"Me? I'm the asshole?! You said you wouldn't do anything drastic and I believed you. What happened to telling me when things go wrong, Beomgyu?" Yeonjun's looking at him with anger again. Beomgyu lowers his head with guilt, he didn't want this. Yeonjun backtracks, "I'm sorry. I just- I just got scared," he tells Beomgyu.
Beomgyu feels horrible. Worse than when he was alone and talking to Siri. One of the reasons he didn't want to call Yeonjun, of all people, was because the older had once caught him self harming. Yeonjun had told Beomgyu that he could come to him whenever he needed, especially if he wanted to self harm again. Yet, Beomgyu never truly thought Yeonjun was serious. Why would he be, anyways? It's easy to say 'count on me' and not mean it.
Maybe Beomgyu was a bit afraid to reach out too.
But seeing Yeonjun's face filled with guilt, thoughts going by in his head probably entailing how he should've seen the signs, made Beomgyu realize he made a horrible mistake. It's different to self harm and have it only affect him, but when it effects Yeonjun too it makes Beomgyu feel like such a shitty person. 'What kind of friend does that?'
"I'm sorry, Yeonjun-hyung," he says in a quiet whisper.
Yeonjun stares at him, pausing for a moment before speaking, "Don't apologize to me. We'll get through this together," he presses the towels harder against Beomgyu's skin, making him bite his lip in pain, "How do you feel?"
When Beomgyu gives him a look Yeonjun clarifies, "Physically. Beoms. I need to know."
Beomgyu considers lying for all of four seconds, but the way Yeonjun is looking at him with so much -he doesn't even know how to describe it- care and concern, encourages him not to. It makes him scared to even talk about his condition right now, because if he says something and Yeonjun begins to freak out, Beomgyu's going to freak out.
"I um.." Beomgyu looks downwards at his legs, he gestures weakly, "Besides the obvious pains, I feel lightheaded."
"Anything else?" Yeonjun asks him, keeping calm this time. That helps Beomgyu to relax a bit.
"No," Beomgyu replies. He avoids looking up at Yeonjun.
"I think.. we should go to the hospital just in case."
Beomgyu snaps his head up, "No!"
"Gyu, there's so much blood. What if you need stitches?"
Beomgyu frowns, anxiety prickling in his throat at the thought of having to go to the hospital, he speaks in a pleading tone, "You know how badly hospitals treat people who self harm. They'll make everything worse," when Beomgyu sees that Yeonjun is hesitating, he adds, "I didn't cut that deep. I promise."
Yeonjun still looks conflicted, though his resolve slowly breaks, he sags his shoulders as he asks in a defeated tone, "How can you say that when there's this much blood?"
"Uhm.. My cuts aren't gaping. And I kinda made a lot of cuts," Beomgyu answers sheepishly. He grimaces as he glances down at his leg. It looks like hot sauce poured over raw salmon. Except flesh colored, of course.
What's worse than blood clumps? Dried blood. And lots of it. They both stare at his legs for a moment, the blood has to come off some how. Beomgyu knows he's fucked up when he realizes this.
"We're gonna need to clean that blood off," Yeonjun says slowly.
Beomgyu looks up at Yeonjun when he notices the other looking at him again, probably trying to gauge his reaction. "Oh. That's gonna hurt. Shower?" Beomgyu asks softly, though his face winces.
"You don't have too. I can wet a cloth and wipe it that way," Yeonjun offers, wincing back at Beomgyu.
Beomgyu shakes his head, he doesn't want to make it harder for Yeonjun than it has to be, "It'll be easier and quicker this way," it would be easier if he killed himself.
Yeonjun tilts his head like a fox, eyes trained on him. Beomgyu feels like the elder is analyzing him. Yeonjun reaches for his hand and grabs it, softly rubbing a thumb over his knuckles, "It's okay if this takes a moment Gyu, no need to rush."
Beomgyu stares at him in confusion, "..Don't you have things to do?"
Yeonjun looks like he wants to scoff and roll his eyes, but he doesn't, "Remember that time you spilled that cake batter all over the floor?-"
"-You made me bump into it," Beomgyu grumbles but Yeonjun ignores him.
"The bowl was glass so it broke. We both got hurt."
"So?"
"We were careful with the cuts we got from the glass and cleaning up the mess. This is no different," Yeonjun rubs his thumb across Beomgyu's knuckles again. The action soothes Beomgyu.
"Oh," he says lamely in response.
Yeonjun gives him a small smile, "It'll be okay. I'll grab some medicine."
Once Beomgyu nods Yeonjun goes off to the cabinets. He watches as Yeonjun looks through them. Eventually he zones out. He could have never imagined someone being there after he harmed himself, he was as careful as he could be to not get caught, going through lengths to cover up what he did to himself. Yet Yeonjun managed to catch him two times anyways.
Sometimes when cutting he imagined the what ifs of someone being there, someone to help him through it. He felt ashamed at how many times he had thought about it. He was the person causing himself the pain after all. It didn't make sense for him to want help if he was creating the problem. Yet he craved that presence, someone who could be there and take away all the pains for a moment at least. It felt sickening wanting that attention, positive or negative.
Either way, that person is right in front of him, hands gently on his shoulders, "BG, you with me?" Yeonjun asks. It doesn't feel good now that it's happening in reality.
Beomgyu eyes focus on Yeonjun's face in front of him, he looks between the elders eyebrows, not being able to hold eye contact, "Yeah," he glances to the side and sees that Yeonjun found some vaseline and bandages. He also pulled more towels and is holding a wet one. Beomgyu bites his lips, he can practically feel the sting already.
When Yeonjun speaks again, Beomgyu flinches, almost have gone back to zoning off, "You can hold my hand if it gets too much," Yeonjun says, still in front of him.
Beomgyu stops, slowly returning his eyes to Yeonjun's face in uncertainty. He almost thinks Yeonjun is joking, making fun of him. But then he sees that Yeonjun's eyes hold sincerity, a look of understanding that Beomgyu doesn't get.
"I mean it," Yeonjun pats Beomgyu's shoulder, reaffirming what he said. Beomgyu relaxes, breathing out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. Yeonjun carefully removes the bloody towels off of Beomgyu's legs. The towels helped to stop the bleeding, but there's still a lot of dry blood.
"If you need me to stop tell me. I'm going to start now, is that okay?" Yeonjun questions him. Beomgyu looks down at his legs for a moment, and then nods. After Beomgyu nods, Yeonjun begins to softly wipe his leg with the towel. The aim isn't to wipe over the cuts with water, but to just get the blood off.
"Do you wanna tell me about what's going on?" Yeonjun asks gently.
"If I did I would probably cry, and that'd make this awkward," Beomgyu responds, trying to lighten the mood a little. He grimaces, feeling the cloth go over his achy skin.
Yeonjun pauses what he's doing and looks into Beomgyu's eyes, leaving Beomgyu no choice but to look back, "Your pain's not awkward, BG," Yeonjun's tone is gentle but sincere.
"Oh," Beomgyu says dumbly and nothing else. He breaks eye contact to instead look down at the red water that slides down his legs, feeling overwhelmed.
The cloth begins to irritate Beomgyu's skin the more it's around the cuts, due to the pressure indirectly being placed on them. Though Yeonjun tries, he can't avoid all the cuts, especially with how a few of them are covered in blood, so some are wiped over. After one particular wipe, Beomgyu hisses and takes Yeonjun's hand. Yeonjun just gives him a soft squeeze and continues.
After awhile of cleaning and bandaging up Beomgyu's cuts, it's done. Beomgyu is trembling by the end of it, biting his lip hard with watery eyes. Most of all though, he's exhausted and just wants to go to sleep. He wants to forget that any of this ever happened.
"Beoms, c'mon, let's go to your room," Yeonjun tells him. He stands up, still holding Beomgyu's hand. Beomgyu looks up at Yeonjun, he blinks away the blurriness in his eyes before he uses Yeonjun's hand to stand. Yeonjun let's go and wraps a hand around Beomgyu's waist, offering more sturdy support. Beomgyu's legs feel like jelly.
Together they walk to Beomgyu's room, it only takes a second but it feels like forever to Beomgyu. Once there, Yeonjun helps Beomgyu lie down in his bed. He pulls the covers over Beomgyu and presses a kiss to the youngers forehead.
Beomgyu stares up at Yeonjun, his eyes begin to water again, "Don't go," he says, desperation to not be alone pouring into his voice.
"I'm not going to leave. I'm going to go to the kitchen and get some water for you, then I'll be right back, okay?" Yeonjun cups the side of Beomgyu's face in his hand and affectionately swipes a piece of his dark hair out of his eyes.
"Okay," Beomgyu agrees. Yeonjun leaves the room after one last look to him. Beomgyu turns on his side and curls into himself. Feeling the emotions he had managed to push aside, numb himself from, bubbling up in his chest.
It's funny how easy it is to spiral. It's a cycle that goes down and down. It a started from a sprout of loneliness, once it grew it slowly began to erode Beomgyu's clear mind away, placing its negative seed in his head. 'Do his friends truly care? Do they really want him around? Does he deserve to have them in his life?' As it grew, there was little that Beomgyu could to it to stop it because he started to let it affect him. Therefore he began to pull away from his friends. Then he became more lonely, only to pull away more, then- Then the cycle continues, spiraling around until it became too much for him to handle.
Irritation, anger, sadness, depression. Over and over.
It buried itself in his brain. The feeling was so intense and overwhelming, when Beomgyu actually had time to sit around and think, he exploded. His vision had been filled with tears and he somehow had the knife in his hand with his legs bleeding badly. No, it's not a 'somehow.' He knows how he got there, to that point. Yet at the same time it feels like he wasn't the one in control at all.
He wishes for everything to stop for a moment, for the pain in his chest to go away, for Yeonjun to not come back. He desperately wants to disappear. When he hears footsteps approaching the bed, he bursts out into tears, body shaking when he starts to sob.
"Gyu, hey," Yeonjun's voice is filled with so much concern and Beomgyu hates that he's the reason for it. That Yeonjun managed to get dragged into his mess again. Yeonjun doesn't need to care for Beomgyu when he's like this, or even see him. But Yeonjun still slides into the bed and pulls him to his chest, letting Beomgyu rest his head there with arms of comfort wrapped around him.
"I-I'm sorry," Beomgyu manages to get out. He can't help himself when he leans into Yeonjun's chest, or wraps his arms around the elder. He craves the comfort. Needs it.
"It's okay, just let it out," Yeonjun replies and rubs Beomgyu's back with his hand. Beomgyu doesn't understand how Yeonjun managed to eventually become this much of a place of comfort, safety for him. But he is. Beomgyu's never felt as unjudged, safe and loved as he does right now with Yeonjun holding him.
Beomgyu can only cry into Yeonjun's chest, breath getting caught up on sobs that shake his body harder. Yeonjun holds him through it, whispering him soft encouraging words until his cries eventually turn into sniffles.
Beomgyu finally admits quietly to Yeonjun, through his tears, "Lonely. I felt really alone. It's stupid, I'm an adult."
"Barely an adult, you turned eighteen a few months ago," Yeonjun reminds him, he moves his hand and softly wipes Beomgyu's tears away, "It's not stupid to feel that way. Don't be so hard on yourself."
Beomgyu ends up crying into Yeonjun's chest again after Yeonjun says that to him. Being lonely triggers not very good feelings in him. And like before, it's a slow spiral. The initial feeling of loneliness that makes him resent the people around him and push them away, then the sadness that comes with being so alone until it cycles and turns into an intense episode of depression. It doesn't happen every time, but he's been going through a lot lately so it hit hard.
He hasn't told the others, but Yeonjun knows how lonely his past was for him. Beomgyu is naturally a social person, he loves to be around others. He had his two other siblings until they left. The loneliness truly settled in once they were gone and he was trapped in his room out in the country while his parents continuously argued. A few weeks stretched into months that stretched into years. Beomgyu's gotten better at feeling lonely, but sometimes he can't help but drown in the loneliness until it explodes. And it's stupid, because who gets that upset at being alone? No one he knows.
But Yeonjun is here with him, telling him that he understands and that it's okay to feel as he does. Once Beomgyu's second crying fit is over, Yeonjun whispers to him that he's not going to leave him alone until he gets annoyed of Yeonjun's presence. That makes Beomgyu crack a tiny smile. Beomgyu's problems aren't solved, and they may never be -emotions aren't easy.
Yeonjun's with him here now though, holding him tight with care. That's all Beomgyu could ask for. He has half the mind to question how Yeonjun knew exactly what to do and how to clean up his self harm, why Yeonjun seemed to understand so much. But Beomgyu's absolutely drained, he falls asleep in a cocoon of warmth, listening to Yeonjun's rhythmic heartbeat.
(Bonus Scene)
When Beomgyu wakes up with a huge headache and a shake in his bones, he still feels warm. The warmest he's ever felt in his life. He's so warm and comfortable he doesn't want to get up again. One crack of his eye lets him know why. Yeonjun still has him pulled against his chest with their limbs tangled up. He spends a while watching Yeonjun sleep and listening to the elders breathing.
It's late into the morning when there's a quiet knock on the door. Just from the knock, Beomgyu instantly knows it's Soobin. He's the only one who doesn't instantly barge in after knocking. Beomgyu is actually thankful for that for once because he would've jumped out of his skin if Hueningkai or Kang Taehyun (ugh) came in all loudly, like they usually do.
Soobin looks surprised at seeing him and Yeonjun, his eyes flicker over Beomgyu's form probably noticing his red rimmed eyes and then Yeonjun's body. His face becomes the embodiment of 'Okay.'
"Made breakfast," Soobin quietly says and then closes the door.
Beomgyu snickers after Soobin leaves. The elder sometimes acts like he's seen something so scandalous when he finds their friends cuddling, as if he's never pulled into cuddle piles by them. Beomgyu thinks it's hilarious because Soobin always gets this certain look on his face and Beomgyu doesn't know why. It's not like Soobin doesn't want to cuddle them either. As before, Soobin is a loser.
"Why are you laughing?" Yeonjun questions him sleepily from his side.
"Soobin came in, said he made breakfast. But he did the face," Beomgyu responds.
Yeonjun chuckles, he detaches himself from Beomgyu and moves onto his back, stretching out his limbs. After he finishes stretching he turns back on his side to look at Beomgyu, "How are you feeling?"
Beomgyu takes a moment to respond, thinking about it, "I'm achy, sore and I have a headache. But..." Beomgyu trails off. He had felt fine a minute ago, now that he's more awake, he can feel the beginnings of all the numbness from yesterday, his depression, creeping back in. He looks up to Yeonjun when he responds, "I'm doing a bit better, but.. yeah."
Yeonjun pats Beomgyu's thigh as he says, "That's okay. We can go bug Soobin for a bit and then chill all day. Even talk about last night. Whatever you want."
Beomgyu nods, "Thank you," he simply replies. He knows Yeonjun understands what he means when Yeonjun gives him a soft smile.
Awhile later after they get up and head to the kitchen, bugging Soobin just as talked about, Yeonjun hugs him from his back and won't let go. He even manages to find a way to sit and eat while hugging Beomgyu, making good on his promise to stay with Beomgyu until he gets annoyed.