Chapter Text
The suffocating smell of incense poisons his lungs, the lump in his throat, and the sting in his eyes. He hates it. But yet, he remains silent. He is numb. He can’t scream, cry, yell or hit. He just stands there, drowning on land. Awash in the smoke and hallmark condolences, a picture that looks too alive and happy for the occasion. The suit, a suffocating black. Just like his once bright world, murky and dark. Everything is dark. And then a volleyball rolls on the ground, thud thud thud. He turns around, his grandfather smiles, it’s too good to be true. Everything feels colorful and bright again, only for his smile to disappear. “Kazuyo san?” “What have you become Tobio”. Quickly, he turns around. The volleyball again, thud thud thud. Their faces, resentful. He tries to apologize, to yell, "I'm so sorry, forgive me, please, please…” But their words drown out his silent cries.
“King, king, KING.
thisisyourfault.
YOU ARE THE REASON YOU'RE ALONE”.
He feels it, the crown on his head weighing him down down down. It’s so loud, but so silent. He stays still, accepting his fate. “Will I only be forgiven if I die…”
Kageyama Tobio jolts awake. Even though it’s not the first time he’s had that nightmare, it still hurts. On nights like these, he looks out the window of his lonely miyagi flat, and wonders what went wrong. Was it when his grandfather died, leaving him alone and angry. Angry at everything, his teammates for not caring as much as him, the world for taking his grandfather away from him, and himself. He was so angry at himself. He always hated himself. Maybe it started when he first met his mother's husband, his uncle who slapped him in front of his sister for being born. Or maybe when his father, a drug addict, told him just how cruel this world could be. He was only 7. When his sister drifted away, severing their only connection. Hell, when he was born, product of a drunken mother hooking up with her husband's crackhead brother on a business trip. His mother… she couldn’t even stand the sight of him. He was only able to cope then because of two things, volleyball and his grandfather. That was his world, they went hand in hand with everything good in life. When one left, just like everything and everyone else, he only had volleyball left. Maybe that’s why, even after he pushed his teammates to abandon him on the court. After failing to even be a tolerable teammate, he continued to play. Volleyball was the only thing tying him to life, an anchor for his scattered heart. Even awash in the seas of his anger and guilt, he always had volleyball. It's just…sometimes he wishes it wasn’t so. On nights like these, all too aware of the cold and lonely walls, he looks out the window and wishes he had friends and family. Friends who would listen to him ramble on about volleyball, remember his birthday and be nice to him. A family to cook him dinner and say welcome back when he gets home. Even if the family may be impossible, he really wants friends at least. He thought he had one in Hinata, but given their fight in the gym last week, he had fucked that up too. And it’s not like he could make friends either, most people couldn’t even tolerate him. Not like he blames them. So, for now he just looks out the window at the city lights of Sendai and wishes.
Drifting off to a dreamless sleep, the lonely boy remembers something. “If you get strong enough, I promise you someone stronger, someone better will appear right before your eyes.”
Someone stronger…I'll get strong enough to meet them one day Kazuyo-san.
Lucky for him, Kageyama Tobio is nothing if not persistent. He will try to get stronger, just like he has been, which hasn't been going great. Some people would call this boy a genius for his “natural volleyball skill”, but he was no genius. One, he worked very hard ever since he could walk to be where he is today, thanks. Two, he is pretty stupid when it comes to most things. How he has made it on his own is a mystery. Good survival instincts, perhaps? Tall and intimidating maybe? Well, no matter the mystery surrounding his brain, or lack of brain, he is clearly no genius. And he has, unfortunately misinterpreted most of his lessons learned. A major setback for someone with no more good role models to help him. But he will keep pushing forward to a warped goal, and he will have what he wants and needs, sometime someday. But for now, he looks out the window, only sleeping well past 4 am, wishing and wishing.
“I thought I was used to it…so why am I still so lonely…”
Beep beep beep.
Rubbing his eyes, Kageyama Tobio awakens. Shutting off the alarm, yawning and stretching as the sounds of the streets waking up with him filter through the thin walls of his apartment. He picks up his phone, checking for any new messages. Hinata hasn’t really been texting him since their fight, so the only notifications are from a joint group chat. This group chat was just the frosting on the multilayer cake shitshow of the past week, really. One day after the fight, an announcement was made by Coach Ukai that Karasuno and Aoba Johsai would be having a two-week practice match thing where the next two Saturdays would be spent practicing together. Then Sundays would be practice matches. The first match they would mix up the players for the teams, then the second would be Karasuno v.s Aoba Johsai. Now why would this be bad for dear Tobio? Well aside from the obvious issues with Aoba Johsai, the timing was, well, fucking awful for Kageyama. Hinata wouldn’t speak or work with him, enforcing to certain players that he was just a king, a genius that sees himself far above everyone else. And this group chat (Sugawara-sans idea) had spread the word all too quickly. Tsukishima, Kunimi, and Kindaichi took every available opportunity to be assholes to him, only further fueled by Oikawa-san. The only person even doing anything about all the shit being talked about him was Iwaizumi-san, but that was only to scold Oikawa, so it wasn’t much help. Sugawara told them off sometimes but didn’t care for the most part. He doesn’t blame the others for not helping him, considering the Hinata situation. Hinata was far better liked than him, and he knows this. He just has no idea why those four (two really, as far as he knew he had never done anything to Tsukishima or Oikawa to warrant this.) Liked to be such assholes to him. Sighing, Kageyama wishes he knew how to read people better. It was easier when he had others by his side, he lamented, but he fucked his only option up….yet again. Oh well, he can just avoid talking and communicate through volleyball. That’s what he does best anyway. For once, he is secretly glad they don’t have morning practice. Checking the time, he grumbles, not wanting to miss the bus and have to run to school…. again. It was becoming a regular occurrence, but hey! It wasn’t his fault the bus was incredibly inconsistent. Grabbing his pre-prepared lunch and some milk, he sets off to school, making sure that hopefully, just maybe, the day would go smoothly. Making sure he locks the door; he sets off walking to school. Well, he starts to sprint to catch the bus at some point, but details, details. He totally caught the bus. Totally.
“Hey kid, watch where the hell you’re going!”
“Sorry…”