Chapter Text
Dear James,
There’s so much I want to say, but I don’t know where to start.
I guess I could begin with that it has been a while, how have you been? How’s Lily? Sirius? I do hope you are all well and happy. Though – I do admit - most of all, I hope you are happy; you deserve it. You deserve everything.
I know this letter will never reach its recipient, as I shall never send it, however, should it ever fall into your unsuspecting hands, I love you.
I love you like the moon does the stars,
I need you like a plant needs the sun,
I yearn for you like Juliet did Romeo.
Oh, the irony makes me cringe sometimes. Our story being so similar yet so very unique compared to theirs, don’t you think? Gods, it really was. We were opposites of a coin, not even of the same coin. My dearest brother held that honour, didn’t he? When he got so infatuated with you, I had denied that truth; that Sirius didn’t need nor want me in his life. And as much as I tried to evade it... well, it seemed there was some truth to my worries. Afterall, that could only explain how easy it had been for him to abandon me. Even after helping him escape and flooing him to you, I could not comprehend how my parents could do such a thing. Because even through all the hatred Sirius kindled for them, I could never bring myself to do the same, not fully. And so, when Sirius didn’t contact me at all after I almost got both of us killed, I felt betrayed, even though I knew it was for the best he continued to think I’d strayed from the light. As the saying goes ‘Intelligence is learning from your mistakes; wisdom is learning from others' ’’ and I learnt . No more lies and deceptions by my family would fool me anymore. Not even the one made by an older brother who swore to protect me from our wretched family. Blacks were never good at keeping their promises, I suppose (you would know).
Finding out he was doing better with you than he ever was with me was equivalent to undergoing another one of Aunt Bella’s Cruciatus curses. It was the first time I had felt a particular emotion so strongly. Envy is a horrible thing; twisting and turning, knotting and kindling, suffocating and strangling. Back then, I thought it was you I was envious of; for being a better family to Sirius than I ever could. Jealous of you, yes, but also, my own blood for having someone I could never even dream of having, the one person that had the potential to transform the ugliest and most tainted stains into the most alluring artworks.
I could say I started falling for you in first year but that would be a lie. It started before Hogwarts; Sirius’ very first letter home of how he was sorted into the brash and unruly house of Gryffindor, then his second - addressed directly to me - describing all his humorous adventures with his new-found friends. About the boy named James Potter who became “somewhat of a brother” to him. You would not believe the many countless hours spent begging uncaring gods that I could join you, Lupin and Pettigrew. To not be left behind. Forgotten, my name but a pitiful whisper in a dark alley in his mess of a mind.
Upon finally meeting you in that fateful train ride, however brief, I knew there was something about you, reeling me in as I fought to distance myself. Even then, you were... beyond charming... with your gorgeous, honeyed skin, that angelic smile, and those ever-mischievous hazel eyes you bore. Of course, I presumed I was merely bitter and mistrustful. Later - after finding out I was indeed a part of the ‘’ever-dreaded’’ LGBT community in fourth year and realizing how properly besotted I was with you in fifth - we got our chance.
Reminiscing about it now, it was foolish how I believed we might have lasted. The ‘we’ was scarcely a year but to me, it felt like eternity. It was I, myself, that forced us to an unjust end, as you very well know. You must note, despite everything, that I will never, ever regret my time in Elysium with you... just as I know you will never forget my treachery. As much as you may not believe me, I am sorry for leaving things the way they were. I am not, in any way, sorry for getting the Dark Mark. Nor will I ever be.
You may not understand my reasoning as you didn’t back then, nonetheless it had to be done. If I had not taken the burden of it, I may have never learned the truth. If I had not uncovered the truth, I would have never realized the error in his ways. And in the end, I found something. What I discovered was his darkest, most well-kept secret and as Gryffindor-ish as it sounds, I couldn't let myself burden anyone else with my findings. So, I write this letter (if only to lift a fraction of the weight) before inevitably venturing to destroy it – and myself in the process.
The last thing I have left to say (of course, I would never be able to say any of this to you, not after this, anyway. I doubt H e doesn’t have precautions in place), hopefully you can forgive me one day. If by now, somehow, you are still characteristically clueless, let me be clear:
I, Regulus Arcturus Black II, am in love with James Fleamont Potter and will be forevermore.
To sign off, with all of what is left of my humbled heart,
R.A.B