Chapter Text
That fucking bathroom. That goddamn bathroom.
The cold tile. The darkness. The smell. God, how long has he been there? Hours, days? Zepp, oh god. His brain matter had been spread all over the floor, smelling horrific. When was Lawrence going to come back? He looked around. The cold, dark, tile floor; the clock that he couldn’t quite read; the blood on the floor, oh god the blood on the floor. He could swear he felt the chain on his leg grow heavier, and heavier, until he could no longer take it. He would be in that bathroom for; for however long it was going to take for him to die. He-
Adam woke up. Shuddering, and sweating like mad, Adam woke up. It took him a while to realize where he was. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on his surroundings. His cool mattress. The rain outside. Cars driving by. A while after, Adam was able to collect himself. It was a while before he finally nodded off.
It was finally in the morning when Adam awoke (again). Adam glanced over to the blow-up mattress right next to his bed. She's awake, Adam thought to himself as he lay back in bed, not ready to get up.
Adam was staying at Amanda’s house. After she had helped him get out of the bathroom, she dropped him off at the hospital. When Adam got discharged, Amanda let Adam stay with her in her apartment. Because of his nightmares (Amanda had woken up a couple of times because of it), Amanda had thought of bringing a blow-up mattress into Adam’s room (she thought this was the best she could do considering what she had put him through). This helped, for the better or for the worst no one really knows. On one hand, Amanda was able to help Adam sometimes when he had woken up from a nightmare or was just out of it; On the other hand, when Amanda had slept through one of Adam’s wake-ups, It took Adam a harder time to calm down due to the fact that he didn’t want to wake Amanda up and to bother her.
Laying in bed, Adam found it hard to get up. It felt like something was holding him down. He didn’t feel real. Like, the only indicators that he was a real person was the pain in his shoulder, and the aching in his body. Adam picked up his leg, and quickly dropped it on the bed. Sometimes, he had to double check to make sure he wasn’t there. Anywhere but there. To make sure the chain on his leg would forever disappear, and never return. Adam heaved himself out of bed. The bags under his eyes were becoming more and more visible. He walked to the door. When was the last time he ate? He couldn’t remember. Adam walked down the hallway. The bathroom door was wide open. It was difficult for him to even look at a bathroom. Adam reached the kitchen, where Amanda was making herself breakfast.
“Hey, someone’s awake. Last time I checked, it was around 5,” Amanda said jokingly with a smile on her face, “I got some waffles for you on the counter.”
Adam smiled, looking playfully annoyed. “Haha, very funny Mandy.”
“Yea, yea, listen, I gotta go to work, so promise me you’ll do anything but sit sound the house,” Amanda exclaimed sarcastically as she tied her shoes, “I don’t know, maybe go take pictures or something.”
Adam winced. It was a while since he was able to look at his camera, let alone pick it up. He didn't know what it was, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do anything with that camera. Apparently, Amanda took the hint almost immediately.
“Sorry, forgot about that. Anyway, gotta go, don’t want to make John pissed again.” With that, Amanda almost sprinted out the door, heading to whatever abandoned warehouse John Kramer needed her at.
Adam still didn’t know how to feel about John Kramer, aka Jigsaw. Actually, screw that, he fucking hated his guts. When Amanda had tried to explain it to him (that was a rough conversation), Adam had gotten furious at the idea that all this was so they could have a “second chance”. What he and Lawrence went through was all so they could apparently “redeem themselves”; and-
Lawrence.
Adam stumbled to the couch. Oh god, how he missed Lawrence. The scene replayed over and over in Adams' head; Him killing Zepp. Lawrence holding him in his arms. The pleading to not leave. Lawrence promising that he would come back. Lawrence crawling away. Did Lawrence even care? I mean, he didn't come back, leaving him in that god forsaken bathroom for over three days. For god's sake, Amanda had to rescue him. (even if she had come in there intending on killing Adam). Adam’s heart raced. Adam knew Lawrence was alive, because Amanda had told him, but did Lawrence even know Adam was alive? He had to. Even if he didn’t, he could have reached out, or even asked someone. But, it had been little over a year since the anniversary of the bathroom, and still no fucking sign of him. Adam had come to the conclusion that Lawrence in fact didn’t care for him, when the front door swung open.
Amanda walked in, holding her laptop in her hands as she fumbled with her shoelaces, trying to get them off. The noise of the door broke whatever trance Adam was in as he looked around, confused. Oh shit, I've been here all goddamn day, He thought as he glanced over at Amanda, still fumbling with the double-knot she placed in her shoes that morning.
“What's up?” Amanda asked as she finally got one single knot out of her shoes.
Adam sat there. Not knowing what he felt, not being able to put his emotions into words. It felt like no one cared. Ever since the bathroom, he had been slowly losing it. Did this “second chance” even have significance? Ever since the bathroom, no one cared. Sure, he got pity points sometimes from others, often making him feel even more uncomfortable. Normally, People would tell him that, “they're glad he's alive” and, “thank god you're okay”, but he wasn’t okay. Just escaping doesn’t magically make your troubles disappear out of thin air. Adam dealt with pain, all the time. Memories, nightmares, for fucks sake, he couldn’t even be in a bathroom for more than five minutes without breaking down, sobbing. The only person who would have remotely known what he had felt was Lawrence; and he had clearly disregarded whatever he had, whatever, connection they had made in that bathroom. The only person Adam actually lived for, who he actually cared for, had left.
“Does Lawrence care?” Adam blurted out, regretting what he said the moment it came from his mouth. His hands were still shaking as he quickly brought them up to his face to cover his mouth, almost like he could somehow take back what he said. Amanda stopped fumbling with her shoelaces and walked over to the couch.
“Well, do you think he cares?” Amanda asked, sitting down next to Adam.
“I don’t-I’m not sure.” Adam fumbled with a button on his shirt. Amanda, who now held his hand, looked at him with sorrow, as she could see Adam staring off into the distance, like he almost wasn’t there, like he was in another place, that place.
“Hey, are you okay Adam?”
“I'm fine.” Adam was stubborn, as he didn’t want anyone to go out of their way to help, as it made him feel like a burden to others. This wasn’t new to Amanda, as she had been trying to get Adam to open up, she genuinely cared for him. “Adam, I'm sure Lawrence cares. He just probably has a lot on his plate right now. Remember, it’s only been a year.”
“But,” Adam looked up, making eye contact with Amanda. This made Amanda even worse as she noticed Adam had been tearing up. “What if he doesn't? I know- I know that I don’t know for sure, but… What if he hates me? What if he accepted that I died? What if he had wanted me to die?”
“Don’t say that Adam.” Amanda squeezed Adam’s hand a little tighter. Maybe it’s time, Amanda thought. Maybe John will get off my ass for once, maybe I could get them to meet without much shit. Amanda let go of Adam’s hand, getting him to look her in the eyes.
“Maybe it’s time to go and see him, Adam. Even if it’s to just get an answer, at least then you’ll know.” Amanda stared at Adam as he sat there awkwardly, trying not to run away or at least cry(even if he hadn't noticed that he already had).
“No, it wouldn’t be right. To just barge in there, probably scaring the hell out of his wife and child.” Adam rolled his eyes, desperately trying to pass that off as a joke. Adam could tell Amanda was being dead serious, so he added on to his list of reasons why he would be bothering Lawrence if he went. “He's probably moved on anyway,” Adam quietly added, desperately hoping that Amanda would leave him to be alone.
“I promise, Lawrence needs this just as much as you do. To not at least see him isn’t doing yourself a favor. Please Adam. Promise me. You need to get out of the house anyway, you look like an insane person.” That last part was Amanda trying to get Adam to laugh, and it worked, with him letting out a little chuckle.
“Alright, I'll go see him.” Adam saying this wasn’t him actually meaning to go, he just wanted the conversation to be over.
That night, Adam couldn’t sleep. Thoughts entered and exited his head, making it hard to even lay down.
What if Lawrence didn't care?
What if he didn’t give a shit?
What if Lawrence had never cared?
What if…
Adam sat up. He looked over, seeing that Amanda was still sleeping. The light from the hallway was spilling into the room(Adam and Amanda both agreed to leave the hallway lights on, for both of their sanities). Adam still didn’t think he was going to go over to Lawrence’s house. He wanted to run. But he couldn’t. He had cornered himself into this and there was no backing down. Amanda would probably make triple sure that Adam was actually going to Lawrence’s house.
The next day, Adam stayed in bed. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything, even to pick up his head. It was around sunset when Adam finally wandered out of his room and sat at the table. Amanda was sitting there, busy with her work. Without saying anything, Amanda glanced up at him, and Adam immediately took the hint that it was time to head over. Adam walked to the door, and threw on a flannel and his shoes before heading out.
Why the fuck is it so godamn cold? Adam asked himself as he slowly wandered over to Lawrence's house. Because it was winter, the sun had set early so Adam had to squint to see the address Amanda had written on a piece of paper. Adam walked slowly on purpose. He thought either A: something would happen on the way there, or B: he would chicken out. Unfortunately for him, none of those happened. Walking there took only about 30 minutes or so(normally it would be faster but Adam had fought to drag the time out). Before he knew it, he was standing at a familiar house, one he had definitely seen during his time stalking people for rent money. Fuck, Adam muttered under his breath as he slowly wandered up the steps to his former acquaintance’s house. Two, four, six, Adam thought as he counted the number of steps until he reached the door. Would he even be home? There he was. Standing at the door. Adam almost ran away. But he couldn’t. He had to see Lawrence. Just to feel anything. Adam reached for the door, and knocked. God, how he wished he could disappear.