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Mitsuru doesn’t realize it until Takeba points it out, an observation grumbled lowly, not intended for anyone to hear when it had just been the two of them in the depths of Tartarus.
An awkward affair, if Mitsuru could say so herself. They’re not exactly friends, and she could feel the terrible distrust coming off the other girl in waves. If Takeba drew her arrow and shot it right into her heart after what she had learned about her father’s demise, Mitsuru would accept that punishment wholeheartedly.
“I swear, sometimes being with you is like being with Aigis,” she says, when Mitsuru deflects her attempt at small talk yet again—only because this is what she imagines holding Takeba at an arm’s length would be like.
And even if Yukari apologizes profusely for it years later, not remembering having said it until Mitsuru brought it up offhandedly, in that moment it sends a lance of steel right through her heart.
Which did not make any sense to her—why did she care about what Takeba thinks of her? Mitsuru chalks it up to the guilt that has eaten her up inside for years, exacerbated by being in the presence of the grieving daughter of a man who had died because of her family’s arrogance and greed.
In the quiet of the kitchen post the dark hour operation, Mitsuru sets her teacup back onto its saucer with a small clink, sighing.
It’s absurd to have been mulling over that exchange for hours, but she can’t help it. Takeba, who is known to be popular and surrounded by people who appreciate her warmth and good nature, has exceptional interpersonal skills. It certainly helped that many people, Mitsuru included, also find her very pretty and sweet—but she pushes that thought in the backburner with a droplet of guilt flaring up in her stomach.
They’re as different as night and day. Clearly it cannot be reconciled. Mitsuru is cold, unapproachable, hard to talk to as they say. Takeba clearly thought so, even though she doesn’t know that the reason why Kikuno and Akihiko only were her friends because of the unfortunate circumstances of her childhood and upbringing.
Perhaps Mitsuru never wants her to know the details of her childhood: overcoming her fear of the evoker, terrifying checkups with doctors who poked and prodded at her body, needles upon needles stuck into her veins to collect samples of her blood. While the average child played outside and went to cram school, Mitsuru laid on a steel table with a single-minded determination to absolve her father of the sins of their family’s name.
She is a weapon, and she always has been. There would be nothing more for her beyond this. Takeba had been right in more ways than one, even if she hadn’t intended to be, once again proving that she was able to understand people better than anyone else in SEES—
“Why are you outside of bed, Kirijo-san?” Of course, Aigis finds her as she mulls about Takeba’s comment about their similarities. Though Aigis has a habit of turning up in situations where she’s needed the most. “I understand it is sleeping time for humans. Kotone-san is fast asleep.”
Mitsuru can only shake her head. “Have you been watching her again?”
“Yes. But I asked for her permission.” Kotone is barely phased by anything; sometimes it scares Mitsuru to no end, though she may never truly admit it to anyone. Mitsuru supposes that she’s not at all bothered by Aigis watching her sleep. “Are you unwell? I have scanned your vitals. It seems you are upset based on your body chemistry.”
“You are better at reading people than myself,” Mitsuru chuckles, twisting her teacup around. It’s empty now. “But I’ll be fine. Nothing that a good night’s sleep can’t fix. Thank you, Aigis.”
“You are most welcome.” She taps her chin, trying to understand what Mitsuru had said. “Though if I may: how can I be better than you at understanding humans? You are a human yourself.”
“It’s…” Mitsuru doesn’t dare to explain that she’d said it in jest, but she takes the opportunity to be honest in a way she hadn’t been to the rest of SEES before Yakushima. “Oftentimes, humans can be difficult to understand to fellow humans as well. They are complicated, and their actions hard to predict.”
“Yukari-san is often able to predict human behavior. Kotone-san too. Sometimes they know the outcome of a certain situation.”
Mitsuru laughs. It’s true. Takeba says her gut feel is always right, and Kotone always agrees enthusiastically. It’s proven useful during their excursions. “Yes, they are particularly gifted with that, aren’t they? There are some who are better at understanding and there are some, like myself, who struggle.”
“Why?”
“It could vary, really,” Mitsuru says, refilling her teacup and offering Aigis a seat, which she takes. “For me, it was because my only goal had been to protect my father. Anything else outside of it had been secondary. I think, in that way, we are similar.”
Aigis nods, understanding. “I see. We both have one singular purpose. Is this what is upsetting you?”
Was it? Mitsuru doesn’t know and she tells Aigis, who nods again. Then she puts a finger on her chin, deep in thought. “Though, if I may, I am a robot. I have no choice but to have one singular purpose unless I am told otherwise. But you are human and you can have a choice to find another. That is what sets us apart.”
Mitsuru thinks of a future where she isn’t fighting shadows, or groveling for the sins of her family—and is, for the most part, unable to, though unlike before, it is not a blank slate; it is a hazy image with colors and light, and Mitsuru almost wants to peer through it but the guilt shrouds it in darkness almost immediately.
Though Mitsuru nods, tapping her fingernail against the ceramic of her cup, in time with the whirring of Aigis’ heart. “I hope that you’re right.”
-
It’s almost comical how it happens around the same time, as well.
“I love Kotone-san,” Aigis states, as Mitsuru runs some routine diagnostics on her after her repairs had miraculously allowed her to feel real, human emotions. At the same time, it had also been a stark reminder of the limitations of her own body, which deeply conflicted her. “I feel as if I serve another purpose, now that I understand why I must be beside her at all times.”
Mitsuru looks up from the readings on the clipboard with a smile. After Kyoto, after Yukari had saved her several times, after settling things back in the Kirijo manor, Mitsuru can say she felt the same, as well. It’s such a good, relieving feeling—that all the hurt and guilt that had plagued her since childhood cannot even dare to dampen it now. It’s unfortunate it only took a dead father, and a slap on top of several scoldings from Yukari to make her realize it.
“It seems as if we are becoming human together,” Mitsuru says, flipping through the papers. All good readings. She presses a button that disconnects all cables from Aigis’ body.
Aigis gives her a small, awkward, but genuine smile. “Yukari-san and Kotone-san are good teachers.”
-
She and Aigis are different, again, but neither of them truly care. There were more important matters at hand.
On that fated day, Mitsuru cries many, many tears and there are none that come from Aigis’ eyes even if the pain on her face is unmistakable and unparalleled.
-
“I may have human emotions, but I still cannot understand her.”
Mitsuru sighs, but she pats the seat beside her to let Aigis sit. She does so, clunkily in all her armor. It’s odd that Metis isn’t tailing her as she usually does, but it’s possible that Aigis told her that this time with SEES will be very personal before they fight for the keys.
“It’s… she is wrought with grief, and I can empathize with her; we all can. But I think it has affected her in ways that not a lot of us can truly understand.”
“You do not believe in what she wants.”
Mitsuru looks away. “No, I don’t, I must admit. But do I have to, to be there for her when she needs me, even if she doesn’t say it?” Then she sighs. “I asked her to stand with me, and she has done so many times even if I rejected her care. But this time I wish to show her that it is a promise I intend to keep until I leave this world.”
They both know Yukari had persistently supported Mitsuru, even as Mitsuru hid so many things from her, even as Mitsuru pushed her away—several times, in fact, but Yukari tirelessly barrelled into her life and made it better. Made her better.
They are quiet, before Aigis speaks again. “You love her.”
That makes Mitsuru stop fiddling with loose threads on the couch. “Yes. She doesn’t know, of course. But I do. Which is why I can’t let her go alone. I refuse to let her be alone ever again.”
“How do you live with that knowledge that one day you may lose her? Or she may lose you?” Aigis asks, unlike all the times she was curious about human affairs as Mitsuru ran diagnostics, filling the air with idle chatter. The contrast of the intimacy in Aigis’ room and this house of cards before the fight is not lost on her.
“I just—” Mitsuru sighs, trying not to be upset about things that have a very real possibility. Not to mention that she has given Yukari several frights about her own safety. “I just do, despite it. I try not to borrow grief from the future and find meaning in the present. Kotone taught me that.”
They share a sober moment, thinking about Kotone. She had taught them both so much, and Mitsuru still misses their cheeky leader every single day. “I am happy that you and Yukari-san have come to understand each other. Kotone-san felt the same. She had told me during our walks with Koromaru.”
Mitsuru feels the sting of tears. “Oh? What did she say?”
“That she was, I quote, ‘sick and tired of your lesbian mating rituals’. But I like to believe she was glad that you and Yukari-san are on the same page, as they say.” She stands, preparing to leave and speak with the next SEES member, before the Arena. “I remember that night we had talked about our only purposes. We have grown since then.”
Mitsuru smiles at her and extends her hand for Aigis to take. “I’m not going easy on you.”
Aigis shakes her hand firmly, the cold reminder of her weaponized hands a stark contrast with the warmth that emanates from her—with the purpose to protect Kotone, and the love she has for the entirety of SEES. “I did not expect you to, Kirijo-san.”
Perhaps she and Aigis were the same, but now, Mitsuru feels honored to make the comparison.