Chapter Text
[Crow Club]
(Jesper, Nina, Kaz, Inej, Wylan)
bangbangbi: oh saints
Inej fan club founder: what did you do?
bangbangbi: …
bangbangbi: i can only say if everyone gets real cool with a bunch of stuff really quickly.
nightmare fuel: No.
bangbangbi: i’ll say anyway.
bangbangbi: alexei is officially done with me lmao
bangbangbi: you know nikolai lantsov’s ex, amanda?
bangbangbi: alexei’s dating her now and i said some things
bangbangbi: not nice things
Inej fan club founder: JESPER
bangbangbi: THAT IS MY NAME
knife wife: what sort of not nice things?
bangbangbi: well it wasn’t THAT bad
merchling: I was there
merchling: Alexei was talking about the fire again :(
merchling: Which was not Jesper’s fault. The fire was Kuwei
nightmare fuel: The fire’s source was undetermined.
inej fan club founder: HERE we go again
knife wife: someone please remind me when my english project is due?
nightmare fuel: Two weeks from today.
knife wife: thank you ☺️
nightmare fuel: You’re welcome.
[este + taylor]
(Nina, Inej)
este: smooth subject change
taylor: me? subject change? never.
este: LMAO
[Crow Club]
bangbangbi: i just got a text.
merchling: Oh no. Not a text.
bangbangbi: loving the sarcasm 🥰🥰
bangbangbi: no its from nikolai actually
nightmare fuel: Use the correct form of “it’s”.
bangbangbi: never 😈
knife wife: what does he want?
knife wife: did he get his shirt messed up at the cleaner’s again?
bangbangbi: keep TRACK of my FRIENDS PLEASE inej that wasn’t nikolai that was mal
knife wife: oh.
inej fan club founder: jesper i will fight you
bangbangbi: and you’ll win, nina dear
bangbangbi: no he wants to go over lines
bangbangbi: he got the lead
bangbangbi: again 🙄
bangbangbi: @nightmare fuel 👀
nightmare fuel: I am not going to edit the cast list for you, Jesper.
bangbangbi: damn 🖕
nightmare fuel: No.
bangbangbi: worth a shot
bangbangbi: TIME TO GO REHEARSE WITH THE GREAT CAPTAIN STURMHOND
bangbangbi: since all i get to be cast as is Neyali 🙄🙄
merchling: Isn’t that a good part? Isn’t Neyali the villain?
bangbangbi: he dies at the end lmao
merchling: At the end. Which means that you get the best stage time of all the characters. And you get a dramatic death scene. Congratulations, Jesper!
bangbangbi: …
bangbangbi: when you put it that way
knife wife: just thank him, dude
bangbangbi: thank you, wy
merchling: You’re welcome!
bangbangbi: ANYWAY
bangbangbi: oh nikolai says hi (because i’m texting instead of talking to him)
bangbangbi: the passive aggression is real 🫶
knife wife: that’s encouragement to practice, not passive aggression. hi, Nikolai!
inej fan club founder: hey!
merchling: Hello!
bangbangbi: ok bye
bangbangbi added Nikolai Lantsov to the chat
nightmare fuel: No.
nightmare fuel removed Nikolai Lantsov from the chat
bangbangbi added Nikolai Lantsov to the chat
nightmare fuel removed Nikolai Lantsov from the chat
bangbangbi added Nikolai Lantsov to the chat
nightmare fuel removed Nikolai Lantsov from the chat
bangbangbi added Nikolai Lantsov to the chat
nightmare fuel: Make your own group chat.
nightmare fuel removed Nikolai Lantsov from the chat
bangbangbi added Nikolai Lantsov to the chat
bangbangbi: BUT THIS ONE IS SO CONVENIENT
knife wife: why don’t we consult Nikolai on whether he wants to be in the chat or not?
nightmare fuel: No.
bangbangbi: YES
Nikolai Lantsov: may i present my case?
nightmare fuel: No.
nightmare fuel removed Nikolai Lantsov from the chat
bangbangbi added Nikolai Lantsov to the chat
Nikolai Lantsov replied to “may i present my case?”: i’m rich.
nightmare fuel: …
bangbangbi: for the record i did NOT tell him to say that
nightmare fuel: You can stay.
bangbangbi changed Nikolai Lantsov ’s name to second coolest pirate
second coolest pirate: excuse you.
second coolest pirate changed their name to coolest pirate
bangbangbi: I HAVE A DEATH SCENE
coolest pirate: I HAVE AN ALMOST DEATH SCENE
bangbangbi: AND?
coolest pirate: AND STURMHOND GETS THE GIRL
nightmare fuel: Spoiler alert.
coolest pirate: you’re telling me you don’t know Sturmhond’s story.
nightmare fuel: That is beside the point.
coolest pirate: jesper, he doesn’t know Sturmhond’s story.
inej fan club founder: obv a crime
bangbangbi: the REAL crime here is capitalizing a pirate’s name and not mine 😠
coolest pirate: Sturmhond is cooler than you
nightmare fuel: Noted. Keep Lantsov in the chat.
bangbangbi: FAVORITISM
coolest pirate: HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW ME HOW IS IT FAVORITISM
bangbangbi: ITS BECAUSE YOURE RICH
coolest pirate: THIS AGAIN
bangbangbi: ITS UPPER CLASS PRIVILEGE THAT HAS YOU STAYING IN THE CHAT ANYWAY
nightmare fuel left the chat
bangbangbi added nightmare fuel to the chat
nightmare fuel left the chat
bangbangbi added nightmare fuel to the chat
nightmare fuel left the chat
bangbangbi added nightmare fuel to the chat
merchling: All of you slow down my phone isn’t keeping up
merchling: Kaz you don’t know Sturmhond?
merchling: We’re all watching that movie they did about him
nightmare fuel: If you make me watch a movie, I will rip your eyes from your skull and feed them to your goldfish, Wylan.
merchling: I was just queried as to why I had such a look of shock on my face.
merchling: I am also curious to know the answer.
bangbangbi: who asked?
merchling: On break right now, eating a sandwich at the shop. One of the customers. You don’t know her
bangbangbi: oh
inej fan club founder: i’m with wylan
bangbangbi: i thought he said i didn’t know her???
merchling: She means about Kaz watching the Sturmhond movie.
merchling: I think.
inej fan club founder: yes
bangbangbi: i agree
nightmare fuel: All of you are going on the list.
coolest pirate: what list
knife wife: you don’t want to know
coolest pirate: i’m reading the script rn
coolest pirate: one moment
coolest pirate changed their name to coolest privateer
bangbangbi: OH my SAINTS you don’t have to make the show your entire PERSONALITY
coolest privateer: says the one who hasn’t even read the whole script yet
bangbangbi: …
bangbangbi: i’ve been busy
nightmare fuel: Complaining about Alexei being happy.
bangbangbi: INCORRECT
knife wife: don’t be mean, Kaz
nightmare fuel: I am not mean. I am factual. There is a difference.
bangbangbi: YOU ARE MEAN AND SOMETIMES FACTUAL
coolest privateer: kaz could just see the show when we perform
bangbangbi: but that’s not the same
nightmare fuel: It is good enough.
merchling: Movie night?
coolest privateer: i could host
inej fan club founder: do you have a waffle iron?
coolest privateer: my roommate does!
inej fan club founder: SOLD
coolest privateer: he hates me and might not let me use it though lmao
bangbangbi: then why is he your roommate???
coolest privateer: ✨ reasons ✨
bangbangbi: v specific buddy
coolest privateer: right?? anyway i promise he’s not horrible
coolest privateer: just a bit old fashioned
coolest privateer: don’t let him get on your nerves too much
nightmare fuel: I will not hesitate to knock him out, if the need arises.
bangbangbi: SO YOU ARE COMING
nightmare fuel: I did not say that.
merchling: No but my phone did
knife wife: i could be there :) just depends on work
coolest privateer: tomorrow night, i’ll send the address at some point if i remember
coolest privateer: matthias might be here
coolest privateer: i’m gonna ask him about the waffle iron wish me luckkkkkkk
inej fan club founder: we don’t do that, love
knife wife: no mourners <3
coolest privateer: no mourners?
nightmare fuel: …
bangbangbi: NO FUNERALSSSSSSSSSS
[M&NS]
(Matthias, Nikolai)
N: question
N: can i borrow your waffle iron tomorrow?
N: you never use it
N: i’m having friends over to watch a movie
N: i won’t break it 🫡
M:
Nikolai,
You said that about Trassel’s leash. And then broke it.
Matthias Benedik Helvar
N: yes
N: and then i replaced it
N: like a good roommate should do
M:
Nikolai,
Fine. But only if you make enough for me to reheat them in two days’ time before work.
Matthias Benedik Helvar
N: THANK YOU
N: REHEATING WAFFLES IS HEATHENISTIC OF YOU TO DO
N: I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THIS
N: BUT YOU ARE THE BEST ROOMMATE
M:
Nikolai,
You are welcome.
And exaggerating.
Goodnight.
Do not make too much noise.
Matthias Benedik Helvar
N: I WONT
[Crow Club]
coolest privateer: Attachment: 1 Image
coolest privateer: ^directions + address
[Slat]
(Kaz, Jesper, Inej, Anika, Pim, Roeder)
Wraith: are we working tomorrow?
Dirtyhands: Pim and Roeder have a job. Landlord’s inspection is in four days. Haskell might be a drunkard but he still has standards he needs to keep up with. Jesper, Inej, if your spaces are clean, you are not confined to the Slat.
Sharpshooter: so basically the answer is i’m cinderella 😌
P-I: minus the looks, plus better kicks 😘
what’s an Ika?: stawppppp FLIRTING WITH OTHER GUYS PIM
Sharpshooter: it’s the jes effect
roeder=rider: uhhhhh
roeder=rider: ok
what’s an Ika?: dead & gone & buried
Dirtyhands: One more reference to Ms. Swift and you will all be blocked and kicked to the curb.
Wraith: look at how my tears ricochet :(
Dirtyhands: 🚫
Dirtyhands: You’re all gone.
Sharpshooter: cold
P-I: I DIDN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING
Dirtyhands: Guilty by association.
P-I: 🙄
Dirtyhands: Get your shit cleaned up before Haskell is here.
[Crow Club]
bangbangbi: WE’LL BE THERE
bangbangbi: unrelatedly, who wants to be my fairy godmother?
inej fan club founder: no 🫶
knife wife: mine? 🥺
inej fan club founder: yes bbg anything for you 🥺🥺
knife wife: thank you 🥺🥺🥺
inej fan club founder: i love you 🥺🥺🥺🥺
knife wife: i love you more 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
nightmare fuel left the chat
inej fan club founder added nightmare fuel to the chat
coolest privateer: is anyone bringing anything tomorrow?
bangbangbi: we are broke babe 😭😭
coolest privateer: budget is fifteen kruge each. you’ll be reimbursed at the door
bangbangbi: LIVING UP TO THE NAME @coolest privateer
coolest privateer: :)
merchling: I think Jesper is a cooler pirate. But for a privateer, yes. You are cool
coolest privateer: privateers are COOLER i don’t know what you mean
knife wife: you are actually so wonderful Nikolai. Jesper, why hasn’t he been in the chat longer?
bangbangbi: ask kaz idk
inej fan club founder: inej you should pick me up and we should go SHOPPING
knife wife: my car’s in the shop :(
knife wife: …
knife wife: @nightmare fuel?
nightmare fuel: You may not borrow my car.
knife wife: i wasn’t going to ask something as drastic as that, don’t worry :)
knife wife: could you drive us to the store, please?
bangbangbi: I’M GOING TOO
nightmare fuel: Inej is in the front. Jesper, behind her. Nina, we will be there in five minutes. Which store?
knife wife: YES
knife wife: i’ll dm you <3
nightmare fuel: Okay.