Chapter Text
The incidents for the rest of the day are a lot more manageable. A flower in his desk at the end of the day, some petals in his locker. It makes him laugh at one point, imagining a bunch of over eager youkai sneaking into the school just to give Natsume and his friends flowers.
He does wonder why he’s specifically receiving special treatment. The implications make his chest feel fuzzy, but he doesn’t try to think too hard on it. He’ll see soon enough.
Natsume is undoubtedly still acting strange. His smiles are shy, Tanuma has no other word he can use for him other than self-conscious.
It makes sense, the eyes of the school are definitely following him more than normal, as if waiting for a mysterious girlfriend to show up and claim responsibility for all the strange antics. Or, alternatively, for Natsume to walk into school arm in arm with someone.
By the end of the day it’s obvious Natsume’s day hasn’t gotten any better. They make eye contact and he gets a small smile, but it immediately falls into a blank stare the moment he opens his locker. He shuts it with such force that everyone in the room turns towards him.
His eyes take on that distant quality that Tanuma always hates to see. It’s familiar to all those that are close to them, that thousand yard stare every time he has youkai trouble.
After an echoing silence, he seems to return to himself, “Ah, sorry.”
He wants to ask what he found In there so jarring. The flowers and clothing have all been innocuous enough, but Natsume seems far more bothered than that.
So, Tanuma worries. He worries enough that his walk home is a little hard to recall and he’s sitting in his room just thinking about the whole situation. Something about it has him running in circles, like he’s missing the point.
A part of him wonders if it’s the romance of it all that’s really getting to his friend. Flowers on his desk, the gifts and insinuations at school. It’s all very intimate. Some of his class is probably thinking Tanuma himself is Natsume’s mystery suitor with the way small gifts have appeared on his desk throughout the day. .
His suspicions are confirmed later the next day when one of his classmates asks him outright, “So, you and Natsume playing some sort of game?”
“Huh?” Tanuma is utterly baffled.
“Y’know. Are you guys sending each other gifts until one of you cracks? What’s the deal with all the flowers you keep giving him?”
“I—uhh.”
He’s not really sure what to say.
“Did I catch on? Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. Half the school thinks it’s you and the other half don’t get out much, if you know what I mean.”
Tanuma is sure his face is entirely scarlet from the implication. It’s not that he minds such an insinuation.
It really isn’t that far from the truth even.
He’s told himself, over and over, that these feelings in his chest aren’t romantic. But he knows better. It’s been harder and harder to pretend they’re something they’re not.
Tanuma knows he’s obvious, but he didn’t think he was so obvious that someone at school he doesn’t even know would suggest it. The connection is there, but even then he thought maybe his classmates would think otherwise.
Nishimura implying it was one thing. But if their classmates are thinking the same, it’s no wonder Natsume has been a bit more distant.
He doesn’t want me getting the wrong idea.
It adds up, Natsume keeping his distance makes sense. He doesn’t want anyone thinking that they are romantically entangled, maybe even a bit embarrassed at the suggestion if his reactions are anything to go by.
There’s a pang in his chest at the thought of Natsume being embarrassed by him, by the implication they might have feelings for each other. It stings a little, but he ultimately can’t blame him. Natsume probably hasn’t thought of romance at all since coming here, let alone something like romance with one of his close male friends.
He always has so much going on after all. Whether it’s the daily lives of the ayakashi or helping his human exorcist friends; Natsume’s the kind of person people remember forever, even if it’s just a brief interaction. He’s so selflessly courageous it’s a wonder he’s here with them at this school, living the life he does. It could have just as easily gone another way.
Tanuma is… just himself. He’s a normal boy with a normal life, and he can’t see youkai. Surely Natsume should be with someone who can see as well?
Since he realized his feelings, he’s wondered exactly what kind of person would pursue Natsume. Maybe they’d be an exorcist or some sort of youkai researcher… If Tanuma stays in his life, he’s sure he’ll find out.
The thought makes him burn with jealousy. He has to crush that stupidly hopeful part of himself. Natsume isn’t interested in him, it’s a fact he’ll have to keep getting used to.
The self-consciousness, the shy looks, the avoidant behavior… It’s likely that Natsume has realized Tanuma has feelings for him.
But how do the youkai know?
Natsume said the fortune teller gave a personal fortune. Perhaps Tanuma was somehow involved? He’s not sure how that could be, he doesn’t even know what a human fortune teller would normally say, let alone a youkai one. Maybe the fortune teller gave him a list of admirers or something similar.
Maybe Natsume realized it on his own? Or more likely Ponta realized and started teasing him.
Tanuma hates how much sense that idea makes. Nyanko-sensei would have way too much fun with that information.
He tries not to speculate too much, but his mind begins racing, to the point he absorbs nothing of class all morning. Now that the idea has been planted, he can’t shake the thought that Natsume knows about his feelings.
By the time class goes on break, he’s too nervous to leave his chair. Even more so to go down the hall to Natsume’s classroom and talk to him.
He’s not sure he can face him right now without some kind of emotional outburst. If Natsume is uncomfortable then…
The bell tolls, and he sits in his chair a little too long for it to be normal. Long enough that Kitamoto takes notice.
“You okay, Tanuma?”
“I—” He has no idea. The emotion in his chest is too complicated for words, fear and embarrassment and confusion wrapped into a single package. “Do you think Natsume hates me?”
There’s a heavy pause that feels more like a sigh, “Is this about all the gifts on Natsume’s desk?”
Tanuma nods and suppresses the urge to crawl into his desk.
Kitamoto leans against his desk, they don’t talk all that often outside their friend group. Tanuma is very close to Natsume and Taki, he knows Kitamoto and Nishimura, but there’s a formality there that isn’t with the others.
“One: I don’t think Natsume is capable of hating you,” Kitamoto states with a placating smile.
“I know, I know. But— maybe he’s embarrassed by all the rumors?”
“Oh yeah, he’s definitely embarrassed,” Kitamoto says almost gleefully. “It’s a little funny how easily embarrassed he gets.”
Tanuma glares at him.
Kitamoto holds his hands up, “He’s not embarrassed by you though. I will say this is a little out of—“ something dawns on his expression. “Sorry, I’m an idiot, you aren’t placing the flowers, are you?”
Tanuma shakes his head. “You think I’d have the boldness to do that?”
“I did think it was weird. But you are the only one I know who —“ he cuts himself off again and clears his throat. “Any case, Natsume doesn’t hate you, don’t overthink it. Natsume gets embarrassed by the weirdest things. He’ll say the most sentimental things to your face then get embarrassed when he has to buy something girly for Touko-san.”
Tanuma actually laughs at that, it’s true.
Kitamoto continues, “Even if you were the one doing this he wouldn’t hate you, but I definitely think Natsume would appreciate a subtler confession.” Tanuma blushes at that. “All this attention has him acting weird, and I say that when weird is his default setting.”
It’s the most he’s heard Kitamoto say, and the reassuring smile on his face is genuine.
“Thank you, that…helps.”
“Anytime. You should just talk to him,” Kitamoto says. His eyes change then, an unrecognizable emotion in them. “Natsume’s our friend, but I think you know him better than I do. I know he tells you things he doesn’t tell me and Nishimura.”
Tanuma smiles sadly, “Yeah, I don’t know, he kinda didn’t have a choice. It’s not—“
It’s not because he likes me more.
Kitamoto pats him on the shoulder. “Just talk to him. I don’t think Natsume could ever hate you, I mean that.”
Talking to Natsume is usually easy, if maybe a little heavy at times. It’s not supposed to be terrifying.
“Thanks,” he says again. If anything, he miscalculated how easy talking to Kitamoto is.
—
Natsume’s day was hell.
He awoke far too early, close to 3am. He doesn’t remember the exact time, other than it was far too late to be awake.
The youkai were doing some kind of ceremony in his bedroom. Dancing and showering him with some sort of dust. It shimmered, it was pretty in hindsight, but he was livid.
After that ordeal they dragged him outside to bathe in this spring, in the middle of the forest. He resisted and per his luck, it ended up with being thrown in. The spring was absolutely freezing.
Sensei helped by flying them away from the whole event. He’s sure he’s going to be sick in a few days from how cold he was air drying in Sensei’s fur. He had to rush home and take a hot bath before school or his teeth would’ve been chattering.
Touko-san was giving him concerned looks all morning before he left for school. He wonders if she caught him leaving in the night or if it’s his whole attitude. She said nothing, but checked his forehead before he left.
To add to it all, Touko found stones in his shoes. They’re unusual stones, definitely left by the youkai for some sort of purpose. They’re highly decorated, and even Natsume in his anger can admit how cool they look, but he’s more furious at having yet another thing he can’t explain.
He wonders if Tanuma received the same treatment in the night. The thought has him so embarrassed and worried that he stumbles into school and can barely meet his eyes when Tanuma tries to grab his attention.
Natsume hates this and all of that doesn’t cover the rumors and teasing that has started up in his class. It’s mortifying, but he’s at least grateful the school is full of kind people, all the teasing is good-natured and encouraging for the most part. The worst of it is light teasing about the mystery person’s persistence.
“Has this special someone confessed yet Natsume?”
“Natsume-san, how is your girlfriend sneaking into your class? No one’s seen them!”
To block out any inquiries, he has his head placed into his arms. It’s a typical sleeping position for him during class. The teacher is letting it slide more than usual, he wonders if it’s from all the attention.
“Natsume, you have to reject this chick already, better yet give them my information.”
Exhausted, Natsume sluggishly looks up towards Nishimura. His teasing grin is slightly turned in concern.
“I would if I knew who it was,” he says, it’s as close to the truth as he can get. He has no idea who is leaving the gifts, the flowers, only that the youkai have some sort of ritual they are performing for him and Tanuma.
“They haven’t come forward?”
Natsume shakes his head in a sigh.
“Are they not trying to date you then?
“I think they want to embarrass me,” Natsume says on another heaving sigh. “I’m so tired.”
Nishimura hums, “It’s very strange we haven’t seen them yet, what are they waiting for?”
It’s a good question even for Natsume. He doesn’t know when this will all end. Natsume said a few days before, when Tanuma asked, but he really has no idea. Surely the youkai preparations are nearly complete by now. They even gave Tanuma a kimono.
The thought has Natsume hiding his face from the sudden heat climbing his cheeks.
“Now Natsume, you know you need to explain that look on your face,” Nishimura says, his grin wide. He chuckles when Natsume only buries further into his desk.
“Is it about Tanuma?”
Natsume turns on him so fast his vision spins. “No.”
Nishimura’s head tilt is far more innocent than his probing words. “Well that’s definitely a yes.”
”It isn’t.” His voice is firm and unyielding. He doesn’t want his feelings to reach Tanuma in the worst way possible.
It’s bad enough the school is gossiping about his love life, even worse that some of them have made the connection between them. Natsume hopes Tanuma hasn’t heard much of that, he’s not sure how he would take those sorts of rumors.
Thankfully, his friend takes the hint. “Fine fine, you don’t need to worry so much. He worries about you more than anything, you know.”
Natsume muffles a groan. “I know. I don’t want rumors going around school about him. He gets enough trouble from associating with me. I'd rather not make it worse.”
Nishimura makes an exasperated noise. “Honestly Natsume, I really don’t know what you're talking about. Tanuma isn’t going to be bothered by rumors like that.”
The that in question goes unsaid, but the look in Nishimura’s eyes says he knows exactly what’s going on. It locks up something tight in Natsume’s gut. Since when did Nishimura know one of his biggest secrets?
Natsume is speechless for a second. He’s not sure what to say, but if Nishimura knows then who else knows? He feels sick.
“How… you can’t know that,” he says carefully, volume lowering to a whisper. “We are talking about those rumors right? You know—“
Nishimura interrupts him with an urgent hush. “Really this is the stuff you get self conscious about? Yeah Natsume, I'm talking about the rumor that Tanuma is in love with you.”
Natsume pales and presses his hand over Nishimura’s mouth. He raises his hands innocently in surrender, but Natsume glances around the room to see who heard.
Guilt floods his system entirely. If Nishimura knows then he’s already messed with Tanuma’s high school life far more than could have conceived.
“Why is the rumor that he’s in love with me?” Natsume growls forcefully.
Nishimura gives him a break and lowers the volume. “Because you’re getting gifts every single day. From what I heard, he had one of those bouquets or whatever on his desk too. Not even mentioning that Tanuma stares at you like… all the time.”
That has Natsume bowing his head into his hands. “There’s no way that’s true.”
Nishimura laughs as if this is something jovial. As if his words aren’t flipping Natsume’s perception of reality on its head. “It is, he’s got it bad.”
“Now you’re talking like the rumors are true,” Natsume mutters, feeling far too exposed at the direction this conversation is going.
Tanuma cares about him, he’s worried and Natsume hasn’t been treating him right as a friend. But that doesn’t mean he’s in love with him. Natsume doesn’t inspire that kind of feeling in people.
Nishimura side-eyes Natsume as if he’s being absurd.
The bell rings, ending their conversation.
—
Natsume finds himself staring for longer than he should at the kimono sitting in his locker over lunch.
In many ways, it’s the most flattering item he’s ever received. A matching set to Tanuma’s. Something worthy of a king or a lord from a time long past. Natsume is just a teenager, even if sometimes he feels like he’s already lived a full lifetime.
Natsume has pretended to be a lot of things, a god, a king, a leader. Whatever role someone needs him to be, whatever role the youkai need him to fill to find their peace.
He’s never questioned it before, if he ever actually wanted to do something like get married someday. It’s only ever been a pretend scenario, or something for others and never for himself.
The kimono sitting in his locker stares at him like a challenge, daring him in the same way Nishimura did this afternoon, to consider the possibility that Tanuma might feel the same way he does. To consider the possibility that somebody could love him enough to be tied to him forever.
It feels like an impossibility. It feels like everyone’s lying to him, the school, Nishimura, the fortune teller. Maybe even in some ways like Tanuma himself is lying to him, even though he knows he isn’t.
The sight of it lingers in his mind even after he closes the door on it. Even after he settles back into the school day, ignoring the stares and murmurs and occasional questions.
Focusing in class is impossible. The weight to his bones is different this time. Like his whole life is suddenly weighing on him. He decides he needs to step away, breaking for the restroom and folding himself in the stall, taking slow measured breaths.
It’s been awhile since he was this stressed at school. It used to be something like this happened every day, and he would need to find some secluded spot to calm down. This place has been better, but there are some things that never change.
He remembers the whispers at school all too well. Back then, it was about his transfer, how he was a bad and dangerous kid. He broke things, he shouted in class. He talked to himself.
He's a liar.
In a lot of ways, the rumors were true. For what it was worth, he did those things. Just not the way they said he did, never for the reason they said he did.
Then were the rumors after months of being at school. He’s a delinquent, he hurts people. He’s stabbed a kid, he’s hurt his foster family. Natsume Takashi is a master of manipulation and if you get too close, you’ll regret it. Those that were friendly with him would have their reputation tainted, as if associating with him spread all that misfortune.
But this school is different. There’s so much more understanding. Something breaks near Natsume, it’s not immediately his fault. Someone gets hurt and they know Natsume didn’t do it. No one blames him for the weird circumstances that surround him nor for his quiet and exhausted spells.
He exhales, why does this rumor about Tanuma bother him so much?
It’s obvious in a way, he just doesn’t want Tanuma to be given a reputation because of him. He doesn’t want people to whisper about his best friend in the halls like he’s something strange.
The sound of the door swinging open interrupts his thoughts, but the words uttered between the two that entered make his entire body go cold.
“I don’t know, but I heard it’s Tanuma giving him all those gifts.”
“Tanuma is gay? How’d you find that out?”
The words buzz in Natsume’s ears. They bounce off the walls and strike at the very thing he came here to avoid. His chest is suddenly so tight, it’s like he can’t breathe.
It’s everything he was afraid of happening. He’s dragged Tanuma into his world and now there’s whispers about him. Not in the way he ever expected, but it’s not so different. Tanuma has been deigned as something different, that he’s something other.
Natsume leaves the bathroom stall in a daze. Barely hearing the exclamation from the two whispering students, he belatedly hears their muttered “oh shit,” as their eyes follow him.
The information circles in his head in a loop, looking for an escape. How does Natsume free him from such a thing? It’s all his fault, he caught feelings and he wasn’t as firm with the youkai as he should’ve been. He should’ve shut down this behavior immediately, denied his feelings until he was blue in the face.
He should be a master at that, he’s denied his feelings his whole life. But why didn’t he deny this? He didn’t accept it, but he allowed it to progress.
Tanuma is going to hate him. He’s going to be mortified.
That’s the thought that latches on. He tries to tell himself it’s stupid, Nishimura even said it wouldn’t matter. Nishimura said Tanuma wouldn’t care about that.
Except this time, there’s some truth, they just have it the other way around. Natsume is in love with him. How could he not be? Tanuma has tried harder than anyone to truly know him, both the youkai world and his human world. He’s tread both sides of the line and understood, even when it was impossible to. Even when it was dangerous.
But he thinks back to how this always goes. Anytime he’s made a friend. Anytime someone has bothered to care for more than a second.
There was a time he sat in the principal's office, a whisper went around that he liked some girl. A girl tucked a flower in his hair at recess, it was a kind gesture from an innocent child. He didn’t like her, he didn’t even know her name.
But people started whispering, as they always do. Like they’re watching his every move, in case he steps out of line. Her mom called the school because she was worried about her daughter. The new dangerous kid likes this girl, he’s going to ruin her. His guardian got called in, it was a whole ordeal. No one believed him, when he said he didn’t like her. He kept that flower in his desk.
This time he does like someone. He likes Tanuma, everyone knows even if they got the logistics wrong. Now it’s the truth, can their friendship withstand that?
Somehow, Natsume ends up in one of the supply closets, curled into himself on the floor, arms wrapped around his knees and breathing slowly into the small space there. A part of him thinks maybe Nishimura is right, maybe he doesn’t care, maybe… maybe Tanuma feels the same. It feels like an impossibility, but he has youkai telling him that it’s a rare, fated bond.
It doesn’t feel fated, it feels like he had to fight for it. Even if that fight itself came in the form of Natsume whispering truths he’s never spoken aloud, to the only ear that ever wanted to hear them.
The burn of tears has started and he lifts his head to the ceiling to try and keep them down. He hasn’t slept great in a long time. Weeks. He’s had these affectionate feelings in his chest even longer, slowly and slowly bleeding to the surface as if they are dying to escape him.
Regardless of all of it, something is going to change. For better or for worse. Whether it’s their relationship, their friendship, his peaceful unobtrusive school life, something big is about to shift. He can feel it. He hates it.
No matter what, it feels like something is ending.
Natsume isn’t ready. He has clung to this peace just like those little red cling bugs, he’s not ready to let go.