Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chilchuck hated smoking.

He hated the way it tasted like ash in his mouth. He hated the way it smelled, and he hated how the smell would stick to him if he did it too much. Above all else, he hated the way it reminded him of his father.

But still, as much as he hated it, he could admit that it had its uses. He’d been using it to suppress his appetite for years, which could be particularly useful during dungeon dives that lasted longer than expected, or to keep his weight low enough to not trigger traps. He had a job to do, after all.

Though of course, deep down Chilchuck knew that as practical as he claimed it was, that wasn’t the main reason that he smoked.

As much as he hated it, Chilchuck loved the way it burned.

It was stupid, and he knew it. Between his bad knees, low body mass, and terrible lungs, he wasn’t going to be able to do these dives much longer. His body just wasn’t cut out for it anymore. Still, as he took another drag from his cigarette and felt that familiar sharp pain as his lungs protested, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

It had been a long day, and after facing that mimic, Chilchuck didn’t have energy for much more than a quick smoke before he collapsed. He had stepped into the other room as usual to smoke (though not too far, not after that ), since the smell bothered Marcille. It was a good excuse to be alone for a minute, and he never complained about the chance to get away.

Chilchuck slumped against the wall, resting his arms lightly on his knees as he stared blankly at the wall ahead of him. Maybe if he didn’t think too hard about it, he wouldn’t have to remember how stupid he’d been to get stuck in that room… and it was already too late. He was thinking about it now.

He scowled, sucking in another lungful of smoke a bit more aggressively than strictly necessary. He blew it out just as angrily, berating himself for each mistake he’d made over the course of the evening.

“If you had just put the waterskin down,” he muttered under his breath, his fingers tapping incessantly against his knee. “Or if you hadn’t sat on the fucking box without at least checking it first…”

And he claimed to be a professional. How pathetic.

God, Chilchuck hated when he slipped up like this. He hated feeling incompetent, especially after how hard he had worked to gain the respect he deserved. He was good at his job, and he knew it, but on nights like tonight… all of his mistakes came to his mind a bit easier.

Chilchuck glanced at his cigarette and was unsurprised to see that it was almost gone. He sighed heavily, then rolled up his sleeve just enough to press the still-burning end directly into his arm.

“Fuck,” he mumbled, though he didn’t otherwise react as a searing heat flared up in his arm. He held the cigarette there for a moment longer, waiting until the fire died out. Once the light was fully extinguished, he let the cigarette butt drop to the ground and let his head fall back against the wall with a soft thud.

“Fuck,” he said again, just as softly. Even with the cigarette no longer pressed into his arm, the pain was just as prominent as before, and he knew from experience that it would take a few minutes until he would be able to roll his sleeve back down.

He glanced down at his arm; small burns were scattered across the expanse of his skin in a disorderly array. He felt like he should probably be concerned about how many he had accumulated in just a few weeks, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about that, either. Yeah okay, so he had some ugly marks, so what?

That wasn’t to say that this had only started a few weeks ago, though. Oh no, this had been going on for far longer than that. Not that Chilchuck liked being reminded of how his little habit had begun.

He shivered, wrapping his arms a little more tightly around knees. God, the first few weeks in that empty house, left with nothing but an unhelpful note and unanswered questions…

Let’s just say, he hadn’t reacted well.

He wished he could blame her for what she did. And he was angry, because of course he was. Who wouldn’t be, in a situation like that?

But even if he still didn’t really understand it, it must have been his fault, right? He must’ve let her down somehow. If he had figured it out, if he had just been a better husband, then maybe she wouldn’t have…

Chilchuck scowled, doing his best to push the familiar, but unhelpful, thoughts from his mind. He needed a drink, but since alcohol was hard to come by in the dungeon, he couldn’t help but eye the pack of cigarettes on the ground next to him. He knew that he should probably just call it a night and get some sleep, but since when had he ever cared about what he should do?

He couldn’t help but grumble a bit at his own stupidity as he lit up a second cigarette.

Chilchuck took a deep drag from the newly lit cigarette, his nose wrinkling at the smell. Gross.

He felt the smoke curl in his chest, and he held it in his mouth for a few seconds before slowly blowing it out again. It felt terrible, but it wasn’t enough. Without thinking, Chilchuck jammed the lit end of the cigarette into his arm again.

He winced, looking down in shock as pain unexpectedly bloomed in his arm. He… hadn’t meant to do that. Not that he regretted it, per se, but still. That probably wasn’t a good sign.

He pulled the cigarette away from his arm and stared down at the angry red spot left behind. It burned like hell, but Chilchuck found that that didn’t bother him in the slightest. No, what bothered him was–

Not good enough.

Chilchuck didn’t even blink, continuing to stare at his arm as he rolled the thought around in his head. Not good enough? What was that supposed to mean?

Unbidden, thoughts of his wife and daughters came to mind. His mind reminded him of times when he’d raised his voice at them, times when he had ignored his wife’s emotional cues, times when he had broken promises to be there for an important birthday.

All he could think of was the times when he had let down those who were the most important to him.

Amidst the onslaught of unpleasant memories, Chilchuck was surprised when suddenly a different thought came to mind. He thought of the trap that they had walked into, of the way they had wasted three days worth of food because he had failed to catch it in time.

He remembered watching his party doing everything they could to defeat the red dragon on empty stomachs, and being powerless to help them.

He didn’t know why his coworkers were coming to mind at the moment, but all he could think about was how he'd let them down, too.

And he thought he got it now.

Not good enough.

Chilchuck lit the cigarette again.

This time, he didn’t bother bringing the cigarette to his mouth. Instead, he immediately pressed it harshly into his arm, hissing at the accompanying pain.

“Holy shit,” he breathed, examining the newest addition to his collection of scars. “Damn, that hurts.”

Not good enough.

Chilchuck stiffened as the thought came again. No… he supposed that it wasn’t. Not after everything he’d done, after how badly he’d screwed up today. Sure, it had worked out in the end, but what if he had died? Then Marcille would’ve had to revive him, and she really needed to be saving her mana for when they found Falin.

God, Falin…

He missed her.

And maybe if he had just done his damn job, he wouldn’t have to.

Chilchuck scowled again, pulling out another match with shaky hands. The incessant thought was a bit bothersome, but he found that he couldn’t agree more.

Not fucking good enough.

Chilchuck lit the cigarette again and again, each time pressing the end into his arm with reckless abandon. He found himself growing increasingly dissatisfied with his efforts, and as he was nearing the end of the cigarette once again, he let out a frustrated grunt and jabbed the damn thing directly on top of one of his fresh burns.

“Fuck!” he spat, the cigarette slipping from his hand. “Shit!”

He slumped forward onto his knees, turning his arm so that he wouldn’t brush against any of the burns. For a moment he just sat there, breathing heavily.

God, I hate myself so much.

Oh, great. So it was one of those days, then. Although in retrospect, that wasn’t all that surprising. He knew he wasn’t really… happy with himself, hadn’t been for a long time. But it wasn’t often that it got this bad.

Oh well, it would pass with time.

He just needed a few minutes. Just until his whole arm wasn’t on fire anymore.

Chilchuck sat there, waiting for the pain to gradually ebb away. He nestled his chin in his knees and stared blankly at the wall ahead of him, trying to keep his mind from wandering places that he didn’t want it going. It wasn’t easy, but focusing on the pain helped a bit.

Once he felt calm enough, Chilchuck risked a glance at his arm. He winced at the sight; to say that it was worse than normal was an understatement.

He grumbled a bit, but begrudgingly reached into his pouch for his bandages that were normally reserved for wrapping his feet. He usually skipped this step, but he was capable of admitting when things had gone too far. If he rolled his sleeve down on top of that mess, he would regret it later.

He pulled himself to his feet and headed over to the fountain so that he could run some water over his arm. He hissed as the cold water made contact with the fresh burns, but internally sighed in resignation. He supposed he deserved that.

After a minute or two, Chilchuck retrieved his arm and carefully wrapped it up before rolling his sleeve down over the evidence. Not that he really cared if his coworkers noticed, since he had plenty of practice deflecting their bothersome questions. Still, they were annoying, and he didn’t feel like dealing with that right now.

Finally satisfied, Chilchuck rejoined the main group, noting that Marcille and Laios were already out cold. Senshi gave him a small nod but didn’t otherwise comment as Chilchuck made his way over to his sleeping roll and collapsed into it.

He found himself absent-mindedly pressing a finger into one of the newer burns as he slowly faded off into sleep.

It happened the next morning, as they were refilling their waterskins before heading out.

“Chilchuck!”

Chilchuck swung his head around, looking up with bewilderment at an uncharacteristically upset Senshi. The dwarf seemed to be staring down at the ground, a disapproving look on his face.

“What?”

“So this is what you were doing last night? Smoking?”

Ah, he had found the cigarette butts Chilchuck had left on the ground.

“Um, yeah? What’s it to you?”

Senshi shook his head, clearly concerned. “That’s bad for your health! And two in one night? Don’t you want to be big and strong when you grow up?”

Chilchuck glanced down at the cigarette stubs. Normally he would never let such a misinformed comment slide, but right now, he didn’t have the energy to correct his well-meaning associate. He was tired, his arm was still throbbing from his activities the night prior, and it honestly felt like a losing battle anyway.

Instead, he stepped forward, crushing the remains of the cigarettes under the heel of his boot.

“Sure, Senshi,” he muttered. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Chapter Text

There were a lot of reasons that Chilchuck missed Falin.

For one, she was the only one who really knew how to navigate Laios’s eccentricities. Chilchuck did his best, but there was only so much he could do when Laios started acting weird. He’s pretty sure they’ve all experienced moments where they wished Falin was there to bridge that gap, Laios included.

Chilchuck had also long appreciated the calm energy that Falin brought to the group. Laios aside, she was uncannily good at catering to Marcille’s whims, which could be a godsend at times. Marcille could be quite childish, but Falin always seemed to balance out her boisterous energy with her soothing aura.

But at the moment, it was something else about Falin that Chilchuck was missing.

“Hey Chilchuck, what’s that?”

“Hmm?” Chilchuck hummed as he examined the rip in his shirt. Annoying, but not unfixable. He reached for his pack, grabbing another shirt he could slip on, as well as his sewing kit. 

“That rash on your arm,” Marcille clarified. “Where’d you get that?”

Chilchuck froze. His eyes darted over to Laios on the other side of the room, hoping he hadn’t overheard, but his hopes were in vain. Laios’ eyes immediately fixated on the smattering of burns on Chilchuck’s arm, and he was next to them in an instant.

Chilchuck had to suppress a groan. Right. That was another reason he missed Falin.

She always healed his burns for him.

Not that he had ever asked her to, of course. He’d rather jump off a cliff than admit to burning himself repeatedly– it was embarrassing, and more than a little pathetic.

But anytime he had received any other type of injury, he could always count on Falin to heal him completely. Her magic was warm and gentle, completely unlike Marcille’s painful spells, and it would automatically spread through his entire body. Though he had never asked it of her, any burns he had would always disappear by the time she was done.

He never could tell if she was doing it on purpose, if she could somehow tell what he was doing to himself. She never mentioned it, and neither did he. Every time she healed him, she would give him a soft smile at the end that betrayed nothing.

Maybe, once they got her back, he would work up the courage to ask her.

But in the meantime, Falin wasn’t here. He was stuck with Marcille, who definitely didn’t heal wounds that she didn’t know anything about. It didn’t really bother him, though it had taken some time to get used to. Sometimes he appreciated the pain of having the burns rub against his sleeves, and sometimes it annoyed the hell out of him.

And sometimes, he was a bit too careless about showing off his arms. Like right now, for example.

“Huh, that’s weird,” Laios said, looking Chilchuck’s arm up and down. “That doesn’t seem to be from a plant I’ve seen before… Are you allergic to anything, Chilchuck?”

“What?” Chilchuck said defensively. “No. It’s nothing. Forget about it.”

“Do you have any idea where it came from?” Laios pressed. “I don’t have a rash like that. Do you, Marcille?”

“No,” Marcille replied, shaking her head. “Does it hurt, Chilchuck? I can heal it for you.”

Chilchuck grimaced. “No thanks,” he rejected. She definitely should not be wasting her mana on these types of injuries, and he honestly doubted that the pain of the healing would be worth the result. “I’m fine.”

“Whatever it’s from, it seems like you’ve been exposed multiple times,” Laios muttered, still lost in thought. “The different patches seem to all be in different stages of healing…”

“Are you sure?” Marcille asked again. “It would really be no trouble.”

“I’m positive, Marcille,” Chilchuck said through gritted teeth. “I already said I’m fine.”

He suddenly yelped when Laios poked at one of the red marks on his arm. “Fuck, Laios, don’t do that!” he snapped, swatting at Laios finger.

“So it does hurt!” Laios declared.

“Of course it’s going to hurt if you jab me like that!”

Marcille placed a soothing hand on Chilchuck’s knee, though she quickly withdrew it when he turned his glare in her direction.

“Come on, Chilchuck, I just want to help,” she said.

“I don’t need your fucking help!” Chilchuck yelled, his patience snapping in two. “So back the fuck off!”

Laios and Marcille both froze, watching in stunned silence as Chilchuck roughly yanked on his new shirt. The fabric rubbed painfully against his newer burns, though he didn’t let it show.

He picked up his ripped shirt and sewing kit and stomped off, plopping himself down in the corner of the room where he hopefully wouldn’t be bothered. He sat facing the wall so that he wouldn’t have to deal with the concerned looks on Laios and Marcille’s faces, or Senshi cooking in the background. Once settled, he started aggressively threading a needle, muttering angrily to himself.

“Stupid elves and tall-men… always getting all up in your business… never know when to let it go…”

“Um, Chilchuck?”

Chilchuck jumped practically a foot into the air as a hand rested on his shoulder. He spun around, seething.

“I told you to drop it, Marcille! And don’t fucking touch me!”

Marcille stared at him with wide eyes, her hand hovering in the air between them. Laios stood behind her, biting his lip nervously as he glanced between the two of them.

Marcille began to blink rapidly, and Chilchuck sighed as her eyes began to well up with tears.

“I’m sorry,” she said in a small voice. “I didn’t mean to startle you. I just… I don’t want you to be in pain.”

Chilchuck rolled his eyes with an annoyed scoff and crossed his arms in front of him. “So what if I am? What does it matter to you?”

Marcille made a small, distressed noise in her throat, and Laios stepped forward, as if to reach out to Chilchuck, though he immediately thought better of it.

“Chilchuck,” he said. “Of course it matters to us if you’re hurt. You’re our teammate, and we need to look out for each other. And besides,” he added, looking down at the ground to avoid eye contact. “I thought we were friends."

Chilchuck tried to give Laios a flat look, but it lost its effectiveness since Laios refused to look him in the eye. He tried to transfer it to Marcille instead, but that didn’t work either since she was giving him the most pitiful look he had ever seen, so he ended up being the one to look away. He couldn’t bear to look at her, not when she was looking at him like that.

And why would a nice, young elf like her be looking at an old man like him like that? Like he was actually worth caring about?

Chilchuck let out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his hair. “Look, I get that you guys want to play nice and all, but I don’t do friends on the job, okay? We’re coworkers. Laios, you’re literally my boss. And if I tell you to back off about something that doesn’t personally affect you, then I need you to respect that boundary, okay?”

He glanced at Laios and Marcille and was unsurprised to see that they both looked pretty upset about that. Marcille was pouting like a child, and Laios looked like a kicked puppy.

“Oh, um, yeah okay,” he mumbled. “You’re right. Sorry, Chilchuck.”

Chilchuck stared them down for another long moment to make sure he had gotten the message across. Then, he let out another long suffering sigh.

“But,” he said, rolling his eyes again, “I can tell that you really don’t want to let this one go. So I will allow you to heal me.”

Marcille immediately perked up that, her hands gripping at her staff excitedly. “Really?”

“Yes, yes, if you must,” Chilchuck griped, looking anywhere but at Marcille as he begrudgingly held out his arm.

“Thank you!” Marcille said cheerfully, immediately clasping his hand. “You’ll be good as new in no time!”

Chilchuck’s eyes happened to land on Laios, who sent him a bright grin. “Thank you, Chilchuck,” he said sincerely. Chilchuck almost had to laugh at the irony– they were thanking him for the privilege of healing him. Freaks, the lot of them. “And good luck.”

“Huh?” Chilchuck said, not comprehending. A moment later, he felt Marcille’s magic begin to spread through his arm, and he paled.

“Oh shit, fuck, ow! Marcille!”

Later that night, Chilchuck leaned against the wall and blew out a puff of smoke. His cigarette was getting low, and he automatically rolled up his sleeve. He paused, however, when he saw the blank, unblemished skin.

Of course it matters to us if you’re hurt.

Chilchuck stared at his arm, wondering why the words of Laios of all people were coming to mind.

I just… I don’t want you to be in pain.

Oh great, Marcille too? This was some fucking bullshit. Chilchuck wasn’t supposed to care about what they thought about him. Hell, they weren’t supposed to care about him in the first place!

Still, he couldn’t help but remember the looks on their faces when they found out he was hurt. Something about the way they looked at him, as if he deserved to be worried about, well…

He couldn’t help but feel a bit warm inside.

“Goddammit,” he muttered.

He rolled down his sleeve and jammed the end of the cigarette into the dungeon floor.

Chapter Text

It was easy to slip away in the aftermath of Falin’s attack.

Everyone was busy with something or another. Reviving the fallen, healing the wounded, preparing to leave. Shuro finally had the guts to duke it out with Laios, and even after that, Laios was far too busy pushing monster food onto his new “friend” to notice much else. Senshi was obviously doing most of the cooking, and Marcille was far too shaken from the experience to be aware of anything at all.

All of which is to say, no one noticed when Chilchuck silently ducked into a room down the hall by himself.

As soon as he was alone, Chilchuck slammed his back into the wall and slid to the ground, his chest heaving. During the fight, he hadn’t had time to really think about what was going on; he had been far too busy trying to keep Mickbell safe and out of the way. But now that the initial adrenaline rush had passed? Chilchuck could do nothing but think about it.

Running into Falin, seeing her like that– it wasn’t normal. It wasn’t right. He had thought that maybe they had gotten away with it, but he should have known better. Black magic never led to anything good. And he did know that! He should have stopped Marcille, back then. He should have–

You should have done your damn job.

Chilchuck flinched as he was forcefully reminded of how they had gotten to this point in the first place. He thought of that ill-fated dive, of a day wasted wandering due to an error on their map.

And he thought of three days of food lost in a trap that he should have noticed.

Chilchuck gritted his teeth and thudded his head against the wall behind him a few times, causing a dull ache in the back of his head. Of course he could have prevented this. Of course it was his fault. Wasn’t it always?

He felt like his skin was crawling, like he was going to vibrate right out of his skin. It was terrible, to the point that he couldn’t ignore it. He had to do something, but he had no idea what he needed to calm down. He felt warm, so he pushed up his sleeves. As he glanced down at the few burns he had gained since Marcille had healed him, an idea popped into his mind.

But… no. That wasn’t– he only did that at night. He couldn’t just do it whenever he felt like it. He had a system, and it worked. He didn’t want to screw with it now.

Still, the insistent buzzing in his skin reminded him that he had to do something, goddammit, and before he could really think about what he was doing, he had raked his nails forcefully down his arm.

“Shit!” he hissed as his nails tore at the sensitive wounds on his arm. His senses were immediately flooded with pain, and he cradled his arm to his chest with gritted teeth. Everything else faded away as his mind became hyper focused on the throbbing in his arm, adrenaline racing through his system. It was as relieving as it was awful.

The intense rush was brief, but it was enough. Chilchuck found himself feeling much more settled as the pain gradually ebbed into something more manageable. His breathing was still a bit harsh, but now it was more from the adrenaline than from the panic following today’s events.

He gave himself a few more minutes to allow the pleasant tinglings of pain to fade and for his breathing to get more under control. If he thought about it too hard, he could probably find a hundred concerning things about the situation he found himself in, which was why he was determined to avoid thinking about it at all.

No need to worry if you pretend the problem doesn’t exist, after all.

Finally, he risked a glance at his arm.

Yeah… that wasn’t good.

As it turned out, scratching at open wounds wasn’t the best idea he’d ever had. Even the burns that had been well on their way to recovery had reopened, and Chilchuck grimaced at the sight of the unknown fluid oozing from them. Disgusting.

He should probably wrap those up if he wanted any chance at preventing infection.

Chilchuck grumbled a bit, but reached for his pouch. It couldn’t be helped, not when he kept making such idiotic choices. He rummaged around for a second, his hand reaching for his roll of bandages. When his fingers finally wrapped around it, however, he paused.

Did he really… have to bandage his arm?

Even if his burns did get infected, what was the worst that could really happen? Marcille could always heal him if things got out of hand. And he didn’t want to waste his bandages for his feet, especially since it seemed like they weren’t going to get to go back to the surface anytime soon.

And maybe you deserve for it to get worse.

Chilchuck snapped his bag shut.

He rolled his sleeve down, trying to ignore the way the fabric stuck uncomfortably to the open wounds. He had made his choice, and he was sticking with it.

He felt a bit more grounded now, and he had to consider what to do next.

He knew the others were eating right now. Anyone would expect him to go join them, but there was no way in hell that that was happening. Not only did he not feel comfortable facing such a large group like that after the weird, uh… episode, he had just had, but he also didn’t exactly have an appetite at the moment.

Sure, maybe his stomach was complaining for food, but eating just wasn’t going to be possible right now. Even the thought of it made Chilchuck feel sick.

How could he possibly eat when it was his fault they had lost all of that food in the first place?

So instead, he stayed in the empty room and counted himself lucky that no one came looking for him.

After hiding out for a bit, Chilchuck finally snuck back to the main area just in time to see Shuro’s group and the rest beginning to head out. Perfect timing.

He slipped in unnoticed, already calling out to Laios to get a move on, though his mind was elsewhere.

He thought of three days of lost food.

His stomach felt noticeably emptier than it had that morning, but Chilchuck just shouldered his pack and started walking.

He thought that he could probably work up to three days.

Chapter Text

There was one major obstacle to his plan that Chilchuck had completely overlooked.

Senshi.

It used to be so easy to skip meals in the dungeon, especially when everyone carried their own rations. He was used to pretending to save his rations for longer dives, or politely excusing himself to eat in a separate room. Most of the time, his party members didn’t even bother to ask if he didn’t eat with them.

But with Senshi? None of that was going to fly.

There was no feigning that he had run out of rations when they hunted for their food in the dungeon, and Senshi appreciated nothing more than eating as a group. And so by the time that their next meal came around, Chilchuck had found himself drawn into the circle with a bowl of soup pressed into his hands before he had time to react.

Chilchuck stared down at the soup, a queasy feeling in his stomach. For once, he didn’t even worry about what the ingredients were– all he could think about was how to avoid eating it at all.

“Chilchuck? You okay?”

Chilchuck flinched at Senshi’s question, because of course it was Senshi who had noticed. Laios was far too busy slurping down his soup happily, and Marcille was still working her way up to her first bite, a grimace on her face.

“Um yeah,” he said. “Just a little sick to my stomach, is all.”

Not a lie. Every time he closed his eyes, a monstrous Falin towered over him, and the queasy feeling in his stomach grew.

Marcille set her bowl down immediately, seeming relieved to delay her fate. “Really? Would healing help?”

“Oh, I don’t… I don’t think so,” Chilchuck said, setting his bowl down carefully. “I think I just need to sleep it off. Wake me up for my shift.”

He quickly retreated before anyone could say anything. He couldn’t see Senshi’s gaze fixed onto his back, but he didn’t need to, especially when he heard Senshi’s whispered question to the others.

“Does he do that a lot?”

“Who, Chilchuck?” Laios responded, making no attempt to stay quiet. “Not really. Not that I’ve noticed, anyway.”

“Sometimes he can be weird about eating around other people,” Marcille chimed in. “But I wouldn’t worry about it too much.”

Chilchuck slipped into his bedroll, purposefully not looking back at the group. He winced as his stomach growled just slightly after nearly a full day without food, but he knew that it wasn’t loud enough for anyone else to hear it.

Still, he couldn’t help but feel a little concerned. If Senshi had noticed something was off that quickly, then this was going to be even harder than he thought.

All he knew for sure was that that excuse wasn’t going to work again.

The next few days were like traversing a minefield for Chilchuck– arguably worse, since Chilchuck knew how to disarm mines. This, he didn’t know how to deal with.

He had eaten breakfast like normal the next morning, partly to throw Senshi off his tracks and partly because his stomach felt like it was eating itself inside out.

He really had gotten too comfortable with Senshi around. He used to be way better at this, and it was a miracle he hadn’t set off any traps by accident with the weight he had put on since the dwarf had joined their party. It made him feel justified in what he was doing, since it was actually beneficial for the team as a whole. Not that his actions needed justification anyway– he was an adult, and he could look after himself just fine.

Which was why it was so annoying to have Senshi watching him like a hawk.

Chilchuck had to pull out all the stops– pretending he had chores to do during mealtimes, asking to eat separately, claiming that he would eat later if he was hungry– and even that wasn’t enough to ease the overbearing dwarf. He almost seemed to be stalking Chilchuck, constantly offering him snacks or asking if he was feeling well. It made Chilchuck want to scream.

It all came to a head a little over a week later when they found themselves at the door of a vast, seemingly empty hall. It had been nearly a day and a half since Chilchuck had last eaten anything, and he was determined to make it to the next morning before he touched a bite of food.

His stomach was killing him, but Chilchuck didn’t mind. It felt familiar, even if he hadn’t been this restrictive with his food intake in a while. It made him feel like he was accomplishing something.

But he had other things to worry about at the moment. He threw an arm out, stopping Laios before he could step into the room ahead of them.

“Everyone wait here,” he instructed. Laios took a step back, and Marcille sighed and sat down, looking bored. Chilchuck glanced over at Senshi to ensure he was listening, and Senshi held up his hands in surrender. Chilchuck nodded. Good.

He slipped off his boots and pack and crept forward, feeling for loose tiles as he went. He pressed his ear to the ground, shivering as the cold seeped into his skin. He hated how damn cold it got the farther down into the dungeon you went.

Regardless, he found what he was looking for as he heard a faint creaking noise beneath the floor. He let his eyes follow the sound, leading him to a series of holes in the far wall. A typical arrow trap, then. Nothing to it.

Still, as he glanced around the room, he noticed that the holes extended along the entirety of the wall, and he puffed out a breath of air in annoyance. He straightened back up and turned back to the group.

“It’s not worth the time to disarm all of the traps in here,” he said authoritatively, his hands on his hips. “So everyone just step where I step, and nowhere else.” He gave Senshi a hard look at that, and Senshi nodded in understanding, though Chilchuck couldn’t tell if he was really taking it seriously.

Well, Chilchuck would just have to hope for the best. He grabbed his boots and slipped his pack back on before beginning to lead the group carefully across the expansive room.

They were silent as they walked, which Chilchuck appreciated. It made it easier to focus, which was crucial as he listened attentively for the telltale clicks of traps under the floor. He glanced behind himself a few times, and was satisfied to find that the whole party was following dutifully in his footsteps.

And then, he felt it.

The beginnings of a growl in his stomach.

Chilchuck knew that he had only a second before everyone would hear just how hungry he really was, which would be an absolute disaster. He could not let that happen, could not give them an excuse to interfere in his business, not when he was so close to two full days!

Acting on instinct, Chilchuck quickly gripped his arms tightly to his stomach mid step, as if to quell the sound. The sudden movement unbalanced him, however, and as he tried to right himself his vision swam as dizziness briefly overtook him.

It only lasted for a second, but that was all it took.

Chilchuck stumbled, falling heavily onto a tile that immediately sank beneath his weight. He tried to duck out of the way, throwing his arms up to cover his head, but it was too late.

At least the sound of his stomach growling was covered up by his shout of pain as an arrow thudded into his side.

Chilchuck gasped at the unexpected pain, and he was unable to react in time as the momentum of the arrow caused him to stagger backwards unsteadily. Before he could stop himself, he fell backwards several feet away from his party, and in the worst place possible.

He whipped his head around, panic overtaking him as he felt another stone sink beneath him. His eyes darted around wildly; he didn’t know where this trap was linked to, he didn’t know who was in its path, he didn’t know who he had just foolishly put at risk.

“Watch out–!”

He heard a deep grunt as two arrows landed in Senshi’s skin, one in his thigh and the other in his shoulder. Despite being in obvious pain, Senshi kept his feet planted and unmoving.

The entire ordeal had taken less than five seconds. The room fell into silence once again, save for the sound of Chilchuck’s harsh breathing.

“Chilchuck–!”

“No one move,” Chilchuck ordered, trying to keep his voice from shaking and failing miserably. Marcille, who had already been mid step towards him, froze, her foot hovering in midair. She immediately threw her arms out as she started wobbling uncontrollably.

“Um, Chil–”

“You can put your foot down in front of you, Marcille,” Chilchuck said, rolling his eyes. Marcille gratefully, but gingerly, set her foot down, seeming relieved when nothing happened.

“Are you okay, Chilchuck? Senshi?” Laios asked as he wrung his fingers together, clearly unsatisfied being forced to just stand there while two of his party members were injured.

“We’ll be fine,” Senshi said. “We just gotta get outta this room, right Chilchuck?” He met Chilchuck’s eyes, his gaze calm and steady, as if he hadn’t just been shot twice due to Chilchuck’s stupidity. Chilchuck felt a pit of guilt form in his stomach, but he couldn’t focus on that right now. Not when it was up to him to get them to the other side of this room unscathed.

Well, at least, as little scathed as possible.

“Yeah, yeah,” Chilchuck grunted. “Just– just give me a sec.”

He braced one hand against his ribs, careful not to bump the arrow still embedded in them, as he slowly pulled himself to his feet. His entire side was throbbing with pain and uncomfortably warm, and Chilchuck gritted his teeth as he tried to focus. He carefully inched his way back to the head of the group, listening and watching for any traps along the way.

The room fell into silence again as Chilchuck led the way to the other side of the room. Chilchuck was a fan of the quiet. If only his head would get the memo.

You fucking idiot, look at what you’ve done now.

Chilchuck paused to listen to the gears in the floor, stepping around another trap.

At least you used to be good for something, but now you’ve gone and fucked that up, too. Can’t you do anything right?

He glanced up and was gratified to see the exit was only a few feet away, now. Almost there…

Fucking worthless.

Chilchuck leaned heavily against the wall and slid to the floor the moment he crossed the threshold on the other side. He watched with great relief as Laios, Marcille, and finally Senshi followed with no further incident.

“Ow…” he muttered, almost as an afterthought.

“Chilchuck!” Marcille exclaimed, rushing over to him as soon as the coast was clear. She immediately began fussing over him, worriedly examining the wound in his side, but Chilchuck brushed her off.

“Senshi,” he mumbled. “Get Senshi first. He got shot twice.”

Senshi came up behind Marcille, shaking his head. It had to be killing him to stand on that leg, but he didn’t show it if it was. “Marcille, you better heal up the young lad, I’ll be fine.”

Chilchuck tried to send Senshi a glare, but it was hard to muster one up with how much pain he was in. “I’ll kill you,” he said with little energy. “And Marcille, if you heal me first I’ll kill you too.”

“Does it really matter who gets healed first?” Laios interjected loudly. “Just heal somebody, already! Senshi, come on, let me help you with those arrows.”

Laios guided Senshi to the floor despite the dwarf’s protests, and after a moment of hesitation, Marcille followed. Smart girl. She must have seen something in Chilchuck’s look that deterred her.

Chilchuck rested his head against the wall behind him, taking deep breaths to counteract the pain flooding through his system– as if that had ever worked before.

He experimentally grabbed the arrow with one hand as if to pull it out, then immediately winced as he jostled the weapon in his skin. Damn, that hurt like hell. Still, his grip tightened on the arrow.

It wasn’t as if he didn’t deserve it, after all.

For a brief moment, Chilchuck had the sudden urge to push the arrow in even farther into his side, as some sort of sick punishment for the massive fuck up he’d made today. It was a stupid idea for more reasons than Chilchuck could count, and yet for some reason, his grip on the arrow grew ever tighter, his mind lingering on the idea for longer than could be considered normal.

Luckily, he didn’t get to go too far down that train of thought.

“Chilchuck! Don’t touch that!”

Marcille appeared at Chilchuck’s side and gently but insistently pried his hand away. “You're only going to hurt yourself more like that,” she scolded.

Chilchuck looked away. “Right,” he muttered.

He gasped as Marcille deftly pulled out the arrow out of his side, but he didn’t have time to react more than that as Marcille pressed her hands over the wound. 

Pain immediately washed through his side as his skin started knitting itself back together, and he writhed uncontrollably at the feeling. But it wasn't too long before everyone was healed up again and ready to go.

For a moment, there was silence. Chilchuck opened his mouth, knowing he had to say something, anything, to explain what had happened, or at least to apologize.

But he didn't get the chance.

“Well then,” Senshi said, clapping his hands together. Chilchuck didn’t like the way he looked at him when he said, “Let’s eat!”

Chilchuck sat in sullen silence as Senshi prepared the meal. A part of him felt like he really needed to say something, but Marcille and Laios were both helping out with the food, and they all seemed content to leave him be. It was exactly what he didn't need at the moment, and he was almost relieved when Senshi announced that the food was done.

Almost.

The second Chilchuck dragged his feet over to the group, Senshi eagerly pressed a plate into his hands, and Chilchuck knew that he didn’t stand a chance.

“Eat up,” Senshi said. “You need calories!”

“He’s right,” Marcille commented. “I had to use a lot to heal you.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Chilchuck said, rolling his eyes. He scooped up a spoonful of whatever it was on his plate, fully intending to eat it in a completely normal way, but he found himself hesitating just before it reached his mouth. He stared down at the food, a sick feeling in his stomach.

He glanced up, wondering if anyone else felt uneasy about what was on their plates. But for once, even Marcille didn’t seem to mind and was happily munching away. His eyes flicked over to Senshi, and he flinched at the unnerving stare he was met with. Senshi wasn’t even eating himself, just looking at Chilchuck expectantly, and Chilchuck shoved the spoon into his mouth before he could think too hard about it.

He swallowed hard, not even bothering to chew. The food went down poorly, and Chilchuck grimaced.

It tasted like failure.

But when he looked back up at Senshi again, the dwarf had finally started eating.

Not that Chilchuck could feel all that great about that. He knew that one bite would hardly be enough to satisfy Senshi.

Whatever. It wasn’t a big deal. It was just one plate of food, how bad could it be? Just one solid meal to get Senshi off his back, and then he could try again.

You know you deserve this.

Obviously, he knew that. What was weird was that Senshi didn’t seem to. Sure, maybe he wasn’t up to date on the Falin situation, but surely even Senshi had realized that something was seriously wrong with Chilchuck after he had, you know, gotten him shot today?

Well, in any case, all he had to do right now was get through this meal.

Better to get it over with.

Chilchuck shoveled his food into his mouth, and he was disgusted by how easy it was. Sue him, he was hungry.

What the fuck is wrong with you? You selfish prick.

Chilchuck set his empty plate down before anyone else, feeling nauseous but relieved. There. Even Senshi couldn’t be unhappy with that.

But before he could celebrate his victory, Senshi grabbed his plate, and Chilchuck felt a deep dread settle over him.

“What– what are you doing?” he asked nervously as Senshi filled up his plate with another heaping serving of food.

“You were seriously injured today,” Senshi admonished. “You need more than that!”

“Oh, no,” Chilchuck denied quickly, shaking his hands in front of himself. “That’s not necessary.”

“Of course it is!” Marcille said, jabbing an accusatory spoon in Chilchuck’s direction. “You know how important calories are after getting an injury like that!” 

“Shouldn’t we save some for later?” Chilchuck tried, trying to swallow past his growing panic.

“Don’t be silly,” Laios said. “We have plenty, isn’t that right, Senshi?”

“That’s right,” Senshi replied, and he held out the plate to Chilchuck, his eyes seeming to stare straight into Chilchuck’s soul.

Chilchuck looked down at the plate in front of him in dismay. He couldn’t refuse. They wouldn’t get it. He knew they wouldn’t. As obvious as it was, these dumbasses just couldn’t see what was right in front of them.

Can’t they see that it’s all my fault?

But they couldn’t. Or wouldn’t, maybe. Either way, it didn’t help him in this situation.

Chilchuck took the plate with shaking hands.

You know what? This was fine. This was actually totally fine. Great, even– okay, never mind. He couldn’t convince himself of that. But still, he could do this.

He snatched up his spoon.

“Woah,” Laios commented, giving Chilchuck an impressed look. “If you were that hungry, you could have said something.”

Chilchuck ignored him, focusing on finishing his food as quickly as possible. Less than a minute later, he set his plate down, empty.

“I’m going to go smoke,” he said abruptly. He hopped to his feet, ignoring the questioning looks his declaration got him. He turned and stalked to the door, though he paused in the doorway.

“Don’t follow me,” he said, just barely keeping his voice even.

He slipped through the door and only made it a few paces before he was breaking into a run. He didn’t know where he was going, and he knew it was stupid to separate from the group, but he couldn’t stay there. He just couldn’t.

He was going to be sick.

He sprinted down the halls, taking a few haphazard turns as he searched for an isolated spot to hide out in for a while. It didn’t matter where, just so long as it was far enough away that the others wouldn’t–

Chilchuck felt his stomach lurch, and the moment he turned the next corner he found himself keeling over as everything he just ate made its way back out his throat.

He coughed, wrinkling his nose at the sight of vomit on the ground– not to mention the smell. It was fucking disgusting, and what was worse was that he could still feel it in and around his mouth.

He spat on the ground, trying to rid the taste from his mouth with little success. He could only hope that he was far enough away that none of his party members would risk coming across this pathetic little display come morning.

Of course, that was hardly his biggest concern at the moment.

Chilchuck sank to the ground, his hand clasped to his chest as he tried to get his breathing under control. Though he was no longer running, his mind continued to race, replaying his latest fuck ups nonstop.

Chilchuck had messed up many, many times in life. There were piles of evidence to prove it. But today had to be pretty high up on the list of complete and utter failures.

It was honestly a miracle that Senshi hadn’t demanded that Chilchuck leave the party after the stunt he had pulled. After all, it wasn't Senshi who set off any traps with carelessness this time, no. He was just an innocent bystander. 

Chilchuck was good at his job– or at least, he was supposed to be. There wasn’t anything else he could offer. He couldn’t fight, couldn’t cook. Without his picks, Chilchuck was nothing.

Chilchuck had almost forgotten how terrible it felt to be reminded that he was nothing.

With shaky hands, he reached for his pack.

Even if he could put aside Senshi (he couldn’t), that didn’t even begin to mention how he had managed to fail Falin again. He was supposed to be able to handle it. He could handle it! Except that he clearly couldn’t. The bad taste in his mouth refused to go away.

You failed again. You let them down again. They’re going to leave you just like she left you, and you’ll deserve it when they do you useless piece of–

Chilchuck let out a sharp hiss through his teeth as he pressed the burning cigarette into his arm.

Chilchuck felt a bit guilty at the relief that rushed through him as the pain broke him out of his spiral. It wasn’t supposed to help him, it was what he deserved for fucking up! He shouldn’t– he shouldn’t crave it like this, it wasn’t normal.

But that didn't stop him from lighting the cigarette again.

He went to bed that night, his arm burning and his stomach empty.

And it still wasn’t enough.

Chapter Text

“Chilchuck?”

Chilchuck cursed as he dropped the cigarette. In his panic, he quickly rolled his sleeve down and scrambled to cover the cigarette stub with the heel of his boot, but he knew it was already too late.

He glanced up to see Senshi staring down at him with a plate of food in his hands and shock painted across his face.

“It’s not what it looks like,” he said angrily, crossing his arms in front of him and looking down at the floor. He could feel his face heating up as shame spread through him like a wildfire– which was bullshit, by the way. He was a goddamn adult, and he was allowed to do whatever he wanted to himself.

“...right,” Senshi said uncertainly. “I’ll go get Marcille–”

“Don’t!” Chilchuck said quickly. “Just… don’t. Please.”

Senshi stared at him for a moment. Chilchuck steadfastly avoided his gaze. Finally, the dwarf sighed. “Look, kid–”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Chilchuck snapped, turning on Senshi in an instant. “I get that we need to have this conversation or whatever, but if you’re going to treat me like a kid during it, then you might as well walk out of that door right now, because that is not happening,” he seethed, pointing an accusatory finger up at Senshi.

Senshi blinked at him a few times, clearly caught off guard. Not that Chilchuck could understand why, it’s not as if it was the first time he had tried to set the dwarf straight.

“But… you said you were in your twenties, right?” Senshi asked meekly.

“Yes,” Chilchuck said, rolling his eyes. “And the age of maturity for half-foots is fourteen.”

“W-what?” Senshi spluttered, and Chilchuck glanced up to see his grip on the plate in his hands shift. “Fourteen? Really?”

“Yup,” Chilchuck confirmed. He couldn’t help a sly grin at Senshi’s obvious shock. Maybe it would actually stick this time.

Senshi slid down against the wall to sit next to him, setting the plate in between them.

“Huh,” he said. Chilchuck waited to see if had anything else to say about that revelation, but it didn’t seem so. Senshi just stared blankly ahead of him, as if his brain was too busy reworking his understanding of the universe to come up with an adequate response.

Chilchuck snickered a bit at Senshi’s confusion. If he really wanted to blow his mind, he’d mention his kids. But that was probably a conversation for another time… or never.

Still, as funny as it was to watch Senshi space out, Chilchuck couldn’t help but grow antsy as the silence grew. The impending conversation was weighing on him, and it only got worse as time went on. What on earth was he supposed to tell Senshi about this?

“So, uh…” Chilchuck said with a cough. “Why’d you come out here, anyway?”

Senshi blinked, startled out of his reverie. “Huh? Oh… I noticed you didn’t have dinner, so I just want to bring out some food for ya. Young’uns– er, I mean…” He glanced over at Chilchuck nervously. “Everyone needs to be fed. Young or not.”

Oh shit, Chilchuck should have seen that coming. Fucking idiot. He glanced down at the plate, which had leftovers from a dinner he hadn’t eaten. “I’m not hungry,” he lied.

There was silence for a moment as Senshi gave him a side-eye. It had been a weak attempt, and they both knew it. “You didn’t really eat much at lunch, either,” he said gently.

Oh, great. So this is where they were at now. In his attempts to avoid the conversation about one of his terrible coping methods, Chilchuck had accidentally walked right into another one. He couldn’t have any fucking peace around here.

“I had enough,” Chilchuck said grumpily. “I’m small. Don’t worry about it.”

“You used to eat more than that,” Senshi commented. “It’s not like you to skip meals.”

“Yeah? Well it used to be,” Chilchuck responded with a huff. “I’ve been eating too well with you around. I need to cut back before I start setting off more traps and putting the whole party in danger.”

It technically wasn’t even a lie. He really did need to lose some weight, since he was dangerously close to crossing the threshold of “too heavy.” That had been proved well enough during the arrow trap fiasco. Okay, well that was probably more a product of the fact that he had been wearing his pack and boots at the time, rather than a problem with his actual weight, but the point still stood.

He could only hope that this would be enough for Senshi. He’d been putting off this conversation for as long as possible, trying to fly under the radar with his eating habits, but it was no surprise that Senshi had finally confronted him. But this was his last argument, the one he had been saving for a moment like this. If it wasn’t enough to convince Senshi, then… Well, he didn’t know what he’d do.

Chilchuck flinched as Senshi gave him a sharp look. “What?” he asked defensively.

“There’s no such thing as eating too well,” Senshi said, far too seriously in Chilchuck’s opinion. “And even if there was, what you’re doing isn’t it.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Chilchuck scoffed. “It’s none of your business what I eat. Traps are my thing, remember? I know what I’m doing.”

"But food is my thing,” Senshi argued. “So you have to at least consider what I’m saying.”

“Wrong! Cooking is your thing,” Chilchuck corrected. “And it seems to me,” he said, gesturing at the plate of food between them, “that your job is already done. Thank you very much for the meal, now kindly leave me alone.”

For a second, Senshi didn’t respond, and Chilchuck thought that maybe he had actually gotten through to him for once. But then–

“Why are you punishing yourself?”

The question came as a complete shock to Chilchuck. “What? That’s not– I’m not– That’s not what’s happening!” he said, shaking his head furiously.

“Sure it is,” Senshi said simply. “Skipping meals, hurting yourself– don’t think I forgot about that– you wouldn’t be doing all that if you didn’t think you deserved it.”

Chilchuck found himself blinking rapidly as he turned Senshi’s words over in his mind. Did he deserve what he was doing to himself? Obviously, but that didn’t mean that this was– was punishment! No, that wasn’t it, it couldn’t be. Sure, at times his self-deprecation got a bit out of hand, but it wasn’t that bad.

He wasn’t that bad.

“But Chilchuck,” Senshi said urgently, and Chilchuck found himself frozen under his intense stare. “You don’t deserve it.”

Chilchuck stared back, feeling terribly vulnerable. He thought of the stifling silence of an empty house. He thought of the mistakes leading up to losing Falin– and he thought about what came after, too.

To his utter dismay, he began to feel the faintest trace of tears in his eyes.

“You don’t know that,” he said, just managing to keep his voice even as he finally tore his gaze away from Senshi’s. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“Maybe not,” Senshi hummed. “But at the end of the day, everyone deserves a good meal. And nobody deserves to hurt the way you’re hurting yourself.”

“My wife left me,” Chilchuck bit out, and he heard Senshi stiffen in surprise. “It was my fault. And losing Falin… was my fault, too. And now look at the mess we’re in.”

He found himself gripping onto his arms tightly, and the fresh burn throbbed under the pressure of his fingers. He couldn’t bring himself to care, though.

Is this punishment? Is that what I’m doing?

He hadn’t even thought about the reasons behind his actions in so long now. It had become a habit– skipping meals when he could, using himself as an ashtray any chance he could get– that was normal. That was just life.

When did I get so fucked up in the head?

“Now listen here, Chilchuck.”

Chilchuck blinked and looked over at Senshi, his train of thought broken.

“You’re right. I don’t really know much about ya. I don’t know about your, uh… wife? Or about what happened with Falin. But there’s one thing I do know.”

“Oh yeah?” Chilchuck snorted. “And what’s that?”

Senshi smiled, and Chilchuck winced, bracing himself for the worst.

“You’re a good lad. And seeing ya like this, well… it just ain’t right.”

Again, Chilchuck found himself needing to look away. But this time, it was because he didn’t want Senshi to see the tears in his eyes.

“Shut up,” he choked out.

“Huh?” Senshi said, confusion evident in his voice. “Chil–”

“I said shut up!” Chilchuck yelled, whirling back around to face Senshi. Fuck it, it was obvious he was crying anyway. “You’re not supposed to care about me, dammit! None of you are!”

He jammed an accusatory finger into Senshi’s chest. “What’s wrong with you, huh?! Don’t you see that it’s a waste of time?!”

“You’re not a waste of time,” Senshi said fiercely. “You’re our lockpick, and we need you.”

“Sure, you need me to pick locks!” Chilchuck argued, throwing his hands up in the air. “To disarm traps! But these days, I’m not even good for that!”

“Of course you are, you’re a great lockpick!”

“How can you say that?” Chilchuck cried. “I got you shot. Twice! And don’t you dare try and say that it wasn’t my fault, because it one hundred percent was!”

“Chil–”

“And you know what’s crazy?” Chilchuck continued, an ugly laugh crawling its way out of his throat. “If I had just been eating, that wouldn’t even have happened. Fuck, I can’t do anything right.” He buried his face in his hands, trying to suppress the way his shoulders were shaking.

“Everyone makes mistakes,” Senshi argued. “You’ve saved us so many times, too. Way more times than you’ve gotten us hurt.”

“So what?” Chilchuck scoffed, looking up at Senshi dismissively. “You could get any half-foot for that! You don’t need me. You don’t need this!”

He didn’t even feel the pain as he yanked up his sleeve, brandishing his mottled arm in Senshi’s face like a weapon. Senshi winced at the sight and looked away. Chilchuck couldn’t help but feel a cruel sense of satisfaction at the reaction, even as he felt himself grow colder.

“Face it, Senshi,” he said, finally calming down a bit. “You said it yourself. I’m just a lockpick. As long as I can do my job, the rest doesn’t matter. So don’t bother worrying about me.”

He glanced down at the forgotten plate between them, and he nudged it in Senshi’s direction.

“I’m not worth it.”

Chilchuck slumped back against the wall, but an instant later, he froze as two large, strong arms wrapped around him and squeezed.

“H-huh? Senshi?” he shrieked, beginning to struggle against the dwarf’s hold, though his efforts were futile. “L-let go! I’m not a child!”

“Adults need hugs, too,” Senshi murmured, and Chilchuck paused. Senshi took his silence as a good sign and pulled him even closer. After a brief contemplation, Chilchuck decided it wasn’t worth the fight.

As much as it hurt his pride, Chilchuck found himself going limp in Senshi’s arms.

“You’re allowed to let people care about you,” Senshi whispered. “And I’m allowed to care about you, whether you want me to or not.”

“You shouldn’t,” Chilchuck responded stubbornly, even as he buried his face into the crook of Senshi’s neck. “I meant it when I said I’m not worth it.”

“That’s not for you to decide.”

Chilchuck felt his breath hitch, and he internally cussed himself out as he felt tears begin to slip out. Maybe if he squeezed his eyes shut tightly enough, he could pretend that it wasn’t embarrassingly obvious that he was crying again. But from the way Senshi gripped him tighter as his body started to shake and from the wet feeling of Senshi’s shirt against his face, Chilchuck had a feeling it was a lost cause.

“I hate you,” Chilchuck muttered, his broken voice thankfully muffled against Senshi’s shoulder.

Senshi chuckled softly at Chilchuck’s ire, much to Chilchuck’s annoyance. What was even more annoying, however, was the way he found himself gradually relaxing as Senshi rubbed comforting circles on his back.

He hated how childish it made him feel to give in so easily, but… it had been such a long time since anyone had held him like that.

For a minute or two, they fell into an easy silence. Senshi didn’t let go of Chilchuck, and Chilchuck was struck by the feeling of being cradled, as if he were something important that needed to be protected. For once, he didn’t feel infantilized by it.

He just felt… safe.

It was a nice feeling.

Still, he couldn’t indulge in it forever. When he felt like things had gone on long enough, and once he felt stable enough to speak up without making a fool out of himself, Chilchuck tugged at Senshi’s arm purposefully.

“All right, you big softie, that’s enough.”

His voice was a bit scratchy, but Senshi tactfully didn’t mention it. At least he wasn’t crying anymore.

Senshi gave him one more firm squeeze, nearly cracking his ribs in the process, but then released his grip. Chilchuck immediately pulled away, settling back against the dungeon wall. He mourned the loss of Senshi’s warmth as the chill of the stone seeped into his back, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to say that out loud.

Instead, he tilted his head back, staring up at the ceiling. God, what a mess. He was usually so good at keeping these things under wraps, but he had fucked up royally today. He felt his face flush as his mind started to replay the events of the last ten minutes or so, and he had to bite back a groan. Sure, being caught had been bad enough, but why had he reacted so incredibly terribly? Saying all those stupid things, crying like an idiot, and the goddamn hug–

Needless to say, Chilchuck was mortified.

Sure, maybe it had felt kind of good to get some of those things off of his chest. Maybe he felt a little less on edge after letting himself cry for the first time in who knew how long.

But god, at what cost?

Of course this had to happen. Of course it had to be Senshi of all people who found him.

“Hey Chilchuck?”

“What is it now?” Chilchuck snapped irritably. Which wasn’t fair to Senshi, and he knew it, but he didn’t think he could take much more of this.

“Can I go get Marcille now?”

Chilchuck blanched. Okay, on second thought, there were definitely worse people than Senshi to have wandered in on his nightly activities.

“Absolutely not!” he hissed. “The others cannot know about this. God, can you imagine?” he groaned, running a hand over his face. 

“We don’t have to tell her what happened,” Senshi suggested. “I’m just worried about those wounds you’ve got there. They look pretty painful, and we wouldn’t want them getting infected.”

Chilchuck glanced down at his burns. The sight didn’t really bother him in the way that it probably bothered Senshi since he was used to it, but he supposed it would be nice to clear up some space on his arm. Despite how much he had complained about it last time, the healing hadn’t actually been that terrible, and as long as Senshi wasn’t planning on revealing his secret, then he didn’t really have a problem with it.

Chilchuck let out an exaggerated sigh of annoyance. “Fine.”

Senshi perked up. “Really? I’ll go get–”

“Don’t bother,” Chilchuck said. “Guys?” he called out. “You can come in now!”

For a moment, nothing happened, and Senshi gave him a perplexed look. A second later, Laios and Marcille stumbled into the room, wearing sheepish expressions.

“Oh, uh, h-hey!” Marcille squeaked, her face flushing a light pink all the way to the tips of her ears. “We were just, uh– walking by! Definitely not eavesdropping or anything!”

“What were you guys arguing about?” Laios asked curiously. “I couldn’t hear– ow!” He rubbed his arm where Marcille had elbowed him. “What was that for? You wanted to know, too!”

“Shut up, Laios!” she hissed. He winced as she elbowed him again.

Chilchuck rolled his eyes. He had heard them approach a few minutes ago; they had been awkwardly hovering outside the door for a while now. Luckily, they hadn’t pushed their luck and actually come in, or else Chilchuck would have actually murdered them both. They also clearly hadn’t heard anything– again, they were rather fortunate to have inferior hearing.

“We weren’t arguing at all,” Senshi said calmly. “Just clearing up a few misunderstandings.” He sent Chilchuck a meaningful look, and Chilchuck scowled and looked away. “But it’s a good thing you’re here, Marcille.”

“It is?” she asked, confused.

“Yes,” Senshi confirmed. “We need your help. Right, Chilchuck?”

Chilchuck’s scowl deepened, but he nodded and held out his arm.

“Oh my!” Marcille gasped.

“The plant!” Laios shouted excitedly. “You must be allergic, Chilchuck, since you’re the only one who’s getting it. Are you sure you don’t know where you got it? Oh, I know!”

Laios turned toward the door. “I’ll get my notebook so I can sketch your rash and study it later! Don’t worry, I’ll figure–”

“Absolutely not.”

Laios froze in the doorway, flinching at Chilchuck’s murderous tone. There was no way Chilchuck was going to let Laios draw his self-inflicted burns. The fact that they had seen them at all was bad enough, but to have them recorded? Chilchuck would rather die.

“A-are you sure?” Laios asked meekly. “It might be helpful–”

“No.”

“I think what Chilchuck means,” Senshi interrupted, “is that he would prefer not to wait to get his arm healed. I’m sure it’s rather painful.”

“Oh, you poor thing!” Marcille cooed, and Chilchuck’s hands clenched into fists by his sides. If he got through the night without committing violence against any of his party members, it would be a miracle. “Of course I’ll heal you right away!”

“A-ah, of course!” Laios said quickly, his face flushing with clear disappointment, as well as guilt. “Sorry, Chilchuck.”

“Let’s just get this over with,” Chilchuck muttered.

Marcille nodded, gripping his hand with determination. She quickly chanted her spell, and Chilchuck grimaced as the magical energy twisted its way painfully up his arm.

Marcille beamed when it was done, running her fingers along his freshly healed skin. Chilchuck quickly pulled his arm away.

“Hey, cut that out.”

Marcille pouted, before her face morphed into one of concern. “You’re so skinny,” she fretted, eyeing him up and down in a way that made him extremely uncomfortable. “You know it’s important to have excess calories when you’re in the dungeon, right?”

“I’ve been saying the same thing,” Senshi said immediately.

Laios frowned, and now he was studying Chilchuck, too, which was the last thing Chilchuck needed. “Are you not getting enough to eat, Chilchuck?”

Chilchuck groaned and tried to glare at all three of them at once. “Won’t you all just fucking drop it already? I can take care of myself. I’m not even hung–”

His protests were interrupted when his stomach let out a loud growl– loud enough that he was sure even Laios could hear it.

Chilchuck buried his face in his knees and wondered if he could be lucky enough for a spontaneous cave-in to kill them all.

But if it hadn’t been made abundantly clear already, luck wasn’t on his side tonight.

“You seem pretty hungry to me,” Laios remarked. “Don’t worry, we’ve got plenty of food.”

“Is it because we had those weird spider-scorpion hybrids for dinner today?” Marcille whispered. “I know they look disgusting, but they weren’t that bad once Senshi fried them.”

Senshi didn’t say anything, but Chilchuck heard a soft scraping sound, and when he glanced down, he saw that Senshi had slid the plate back toward him again. 

For a moment Chilchuck stayed frozen, his body tense as he tried to think of a way out of this. He felt completely cornered by Laios’ inane chattering, Marcille’s misplaced encouragement, and Senshi’s unyielding stare.

He glanced down at the food again. Fuck, he was hungry, but his stomach clenched at the thought of eating anything. How could he possibly, after everything?

Why are you punishing yourself?

Chilchuck squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out Senshi’s gentle question. He knew there were plenty of reasons that he should not be putting that food into his mouth, but at this moment, none of them were coming to mind. He was just so… tired. Tired of fighting this, tired of dodging Senshi, tired of hating himself.

And he was so damn hungry.

Begrudgingly, Chilchuck reached for the plate.

“Fine,” he muttered. “Just, don’t stare at me, alright? It’s fucking weird.”

The weird tension in the room seemed to break as Senshi chuckled warmly at that, leaning over just enough to bump Chilchuck’s shoulder with his own.

“No problem,” he said. “I think it’s time to be getting some rest, in any case. You’ll join us when you’re done here?”

“I… yeah.” Chilchuck felt a bit at odds at this turn of events. It was like… he was losing something, by giving in this easily. His pride, maybe, or his conviction. But for once, losing didn’t feel so bad.

He gave Senshi a small smile.

“Yeah. I’ll do that.”