Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Musky books painted the walls full. Todd dragged his weary fingers over the ancient spines. He sighed — nothing would be the same, not after last winter. A polaroid of laughter and smoked poetry lingered on his mind, and he knew that they were no longer just innocent teenage boys.
A dark forest clothed book dragged him out of his thoughts. It wasn’t of importance, especially in accordance to his studies. Yet, he hastily threw it open, eyeing every word like a desperate animal scouring for just an ounce of food. The words were cryptic and in tongue, the title scratched and rugged. Timid nails tapped with rhytm on the cover before tucking it in the bottom of his book bag and quickly leaving the library.

The hallway was sunlit with pellets of dust floating in a synchronous dance. It had been left as it was over the winter break, a preserved memory of what no one dared to speak of. Neil — Todd hadn’t even seen him arrive yet. He hadn’t been in school the last week before break due to being locked within cold hospital doors with a horrific gunshot wound hidden under endless layers of bandages.
The letters had been short and crumpled, as if his hands were too shaky to handle a pencil. The rest of the poets had remained incognito — no letters, no visits, no nothing. Being stuck in the over-the-top perfect Anderson estate hadn’t been ideal either. Todd had sat against his bed frame, just praying for anything to drag him out of that house. Heavy sighs at dinner, disapproving looks, and Christmas food all day long that he picked at with a frown had tormented him endlessly. Jeffrey had been trapped in hugs and praise the moment he opened the door. Todd had been disciplined over minor things, again.

Todd stumbled into the well familiar dorm, the usual set of two unmade beds and desks waiting for him and Neil. It made him want to throw up, because he hadn’t even tried to visit Neil at the hospital or in person. The thought of possibly seeing his dark chocolate eyes ridden off colour or turning at him with resentment made him faint at heart. Sharp fangs repeatedly left stretched marks on his pale skin. Blood emitted and he frowned, not feeling the satisfaction he longed for. Knitted blue sweaters covered the evidence like a crime scene, such shame filling up his hollow bones.
He dunsed down on his bed, grimacing at his hands before shunning them away and leaning back. A couple of other students had already arrived at Welton, but most got there at opening day. Maybe that should’ve been more comforting — he had time to formulate what to say, but it just made Todd dread it all the more. To escape and hide, to avoid Neil and the rest until graduation, to beg to change roommates… that was his instict. But as much as he tried, he couldn’t drag himself to it. The Dead Poets were of enormous value to him, and his stupidity had messed it all up. He was sure the others had turned on him collectively for not reaching out, for boring them. Picking him apart like the ravens did to Prometheus.
Todd wrapped his arms around his knees, holding them like nothing else was consistent but them.
”You’re an idiot, Todd Anderson.”
”You are a boring and selfish idiot.”
The words flooded his mind faster than they could form, because they spoke truth, and they consumed him entirely. He spread disease to his own veins, his very own personalised parasite.

The door creeked, opening lightly with a brown haired head peeking through. Todd shot up when he cleared his throat unnecessarily loudly. His breath cut, and time stood still for a moment. The other boy’s chocolate eyes turned golden in the solar beams.
“Neil?” Todd muffled under his breath, turning a light shade of pink from his blurry words that couldn’t be understood by quite literally anyone.
“Hey.” Neil said, before grinning.
Except Neil, it seemed. It always seemed like that.
“I’m so sorry for not visiting or anything— I… I promise I meant to! I was just—“ Todd started with a hasty tongue, his eyes not as direct as previously. The other boy made his way through the door before closing it, dropping his package onto the bed before propping himself up next to Todd. His warmth was one identical of the sun itself. He casted a spotlight of importance at those around him, and it intimidated Todd — he doubted he’d ever get used to it if it continued. He was terrified that it would end, so he didn’t dare to look at Neil.
Neil breathed quietly.
“Todd,” He whispered, his post wintertide confidence not latching on as quick.
Todd refused to look at Neil, incase every soft word was an act before the final confrontation. Silence weighed heavy and pulled every planned word out of him. Every sorry, every question, every concern… gone.
“I read the books you sent. Your letters, too.”
Todd almost wanted Neil to be mad — he felt like he hadn’t done enough for him. Not cared enough. Who even wanted books when they were hospitalised?
“I had to hide them under my mattress because the nurses didn’t want me to laugh too much.” He smiled, despite everything, he smiled.

Todd bit his lip, searching for something to keep his eyes focused on instead of stupidly looking around like a lost puppy. He tugged at his dress pants with his right hand, so Neil wouldn’t see.
“You’re not…” He began, slow and unsteady.
“…mad?” Todd breathed as he finally looked at Neil. The sun casting a golden frame at his back, like an angel.
“Mad?” Neil questioned.
“Yeah… mad.” He added impatiently.
Neil huffed and sat back, staring at Todd who was struck by the sunlight front on. Orange tones simmering over him like a forest meadow. A sigh emitted from Neil.
“Todd” He whispered softly, “Why would I be mad?.”
Embarassment swallowed Todd with intermediance.
“Right. Sorry.” He mumbled weakly, turning his eyes away from him, yet he felt eyes boring into him until Neil walked over to his suitcase.

Chapter Text

The all too familiar hall from the beginning of his first term was rotten in memory. Mr. Nolan stood at his usual spot — as stern and cold as ever. People wondered if he was actually an immortal disease, created to drain the happiness out of every living creature. Todd never said a word in response to that, until Mr. Nolan’s hatred for Mr. Keating had grown evident at the end of last year.
The boys sat tiredly in their seats, chin placed sloppily on their palms in an attempt to seem awake. Even Charlie, whom Todd hadn’t had the chance to greet yet, sat with the absence of his typical Dalton grin. His shoulders were slumped and his head too heavy to cast up. Todd frowned and looked away, not wanting to be caught staring.

Everyone had arrived by now, so the corridors were crowded and busy. Everything looked the same as it did last year. Welton’s walnut wooden floors, the tall sandy walls, the same boys hoarding the halls… it should’ve felt the same. But it didn’t. Todd couldn’t get over what had happened last year. Neil’s suicide attempt, the lonely Christmas break, the group almost falling apart. He felt so nauseous that he wanted to run away, because seeing even Neil act so casual after everything was unbelievable.

“Anderson…” A smug grin came at his side, nudging him out of his thoughts.
“Charlie, hey.” Todd acknowledged.
The other boy wrapped an arm around his shoulder, which startled him by an ounce.
“Nolan almost managed to get rid of me for you know… but my parents bribed him. On my side for once, hah.” He scoffed proudly, the same attitude as ever. Everyone knew what had happened by this point — Charlie had punched Cameron. Not everyone knew why, and no one dared to ask either. But Todd knew. The Dead Poets knew.
“Glad you’re back Charlie.” Todd said with fragile smile, slightly creeped out by his proximity. Charlie chuckled, drafting his arm away from Todd’s slumped shoulder.
He turned to the chuckling boy, but Charlie just stared at the distance. In the midst of the crowd a ginger meekly stumbled through, apologising for every minor bump into those around him. Freckled skin and out of character eye bags wore him down. His hair was a little tussled and not as neat as everyone was used to. A faded bruise over his eye could still be seen, but only if you were aware of it.
Charlie stood still in the crowd — glaring — before sighing and shooting his eyes away towards the ground. Hurried steps led them towards dormitory. Todd tugged on his book bag and callously watched Charlie as he composed himself, and failed.
“That bastard. Mr. Nolan is all over him, as if… like he’s some angel. He never gets any shit. Fucking traitor.” He muttered bitterly, dangling his bag back and forth with his head in the ground. Todd frowned, remaining silent.

Charlie and Cameron. According to Meeks, they’d been friends alongside Neil since childhood before the others came around. When little over confident Charlie moved to their neighbourhood, they all hung out. But as they grew older, Charlie and Cameron suddenly fell apart. Scoffs and rolling eyes played at a constant, and everyone knew. Still, they were paired together as roommates every year. It was as if they were purposely tormenting them. Mr. Nolan hated Charlie, so that made sense, but to torment his favourite student? It didn’t really make sense. Maybe they thought Cameron would grow on Charlie and make him more obedient. If anything, it did the complete opposite. Todd feared that it would get way worse after their fight last year. It definitely hadn’t gotten better.

Chapter Text

The sun kissed leaves dangled gently off the tree branches, breezing down Todd’s blazer. The forest was covered by an auburn tint, as silent as a nymph. The leaves crunched softly beneath his shoes. Solar beams streamed across the trees, and a sigh let out of him. The first day was done — the seconds had turned to minutes, and then to hours. His eyebrows fell as his head did, a faint drumming on his pocket.
Autumn, it was close. The days only breezed by, bringing steaming tea, studying, and crimson leaves closer.

He gazed up, blinded by the sun. Still, he stood, all while squinting. An overgrown path took his focus, small flowers dancing in the wind, building up a path. Todd followed mindlessly, grasping onto his book bag. Petal after petal, as tight as poison ivy, leading to scattered planks and screws. Todd hesitated, his eyes darting around before continuing.

Minutes passed, and forth he came to a small bushy gate, almost entirely covered with vines. The sunlight pierced through, seducing him to come forward. Within the secluded meadow, guarded by tall crisp trees, a theatre scene stood. Water-damaged planks, ivy growing down the head of it, and torn curtains. It was like a fever-dream, eerie and unfamiliar.

Todd breathed, backing off by a step, his legs stood planted close to each other like a shield. Strange. It was strange. A shaky breath exhaled before he reluctantly walked closer, noticing the harshly conditioned furniture. Velvet armchairs, small round french-inspired tables, fancy lamps… they looked like they had been smashes to pieces. Crimson pools had absorbed into the wooden planks, covered by shattered glass from the light bulbs and wine glasses.
Todd took a step back, staring with heavy breaths before running back to the ivy entrance. The vines had locked together, creating a wall. The silence was deafening, except for the faint sound of crows. Todd turned around to a light emitting out of the mellow daisies building the path. His ocean eyes followed it, before reaching for the book he grabbed from the library, hidden in his bag, and tore at the locked gate. It opened with reluctance, and fast he ran back to Welton Academy, unable to catch his breath as his mind spun like he was on psychedelics.

Crazy, he was definitely crazy.

Chapter Text

Todd tugged at his fried egg with a fork, head resting on his palm. The other boys sounded mumbling words, inaudible to him… like spells. Lost in the forest, his mind was. He had been sleep deprived, tired, weary — nothing had happened and everything was fine. So why did it still feel like his foot was cut underneath a root, wrapped in poison ivy dragging him under? Something had felt wrong—

“Todd? You there?” A hand waved in front of his face.
“Neil— yeah sorry, tired.”
He frowned at Todd.
“No need to say sorry. Uh, class starts soon. Come along?” Neil shrugged, and Todd nodded.

***

Mathematics, the work of the devil. Numbers scattered all around, and you were tasked with picking them up and just knowing where to put them. Todd clasped his head in his hands as he fell stuck at a question. They spun around his head in circles, taking small hits at him to remind him how stupid he was. He sighed and sat up straight, not exactly planning to be scolded by Dr. Hager.

***

The classes flew by, as boring and weary as ever. Sometimes Todd was sure that they were designed to torture him personally, his one proof that debunked it was his lack of importance. Selfish — that was what he was.

One break lead to another, and one of those ended up in the bathroom. Ice cold water hit Todd’s face, to wake him up, keep him intact. Controlled. Sane.

He gazed up at the mirror wearily while drying his face, before stopping hastily.
Ivy vines sprouted down the mirror, dangling from the bathroom stalls. Todd breathed, as still as a deer. They reached out, towards him, and he rushed out of the bathroom.
A barrier blocked him in the corridor, and he panicked. Shit—

“ Todd? Are you alright?—“ Neil mustered up, stunned, stabilising Todd before letting him go.
“N-Yeah,” He breathed, attempting to catch his thoughts and stop with this stupid behaviour. He was a complete mess, and he hated when Neil saw that.
“… Come on.” He said, clearly noticing Todd’s hesitance before dragging him with.

***

The forest remained a sacred place to Neil, the memories of the Dead Poet’s Society soured like solar beams that he himself bathed in. So, with his hand on Todd’s wrist, he was forced along.
Todd was overly conscious of his surroundings, torn from his last forest visit.
“Neil… what are we doing here?”
“To clear your mind!” He smiled, and Todd sighed helplessly.
“I told you, I’m alright.”
Todd escaped Neil’s grasp and stood firmly, staring back at him with furrowed brows. But his irritation went unsteady with the way the sun turned him golden.
“…Please, just trust me.” Neil attempted, his puppy eyes the same as the leaves around them. Todd sighed and cast his head downwards.
“Fine—“
Neil grabbed him by the wrist, smiling as he led them off the path. He was specific in his turns, and it all became all too familiar.
The white pellet flowers led them back to the meadow Todd had found himself wrapped in yesterday. And apparently Neil had found it too. He turned stiff, and shifted closer towards Neil as they entered.
“How did you… find this?” He muttered, blinking towards the now neat wooden scene. The furniture looked delicate and fragile, not a scratch on it.
“I… don’t know.” Neil smiled weakly, before leading them closer to the scene.
“Isn’t it wonderful? A whole scene… just— just abandoned here! And it’s in perfect condition too… It’s just perfectly timed…” Neil went on and on about the perfection of it, and Todd couldn’t help but frown and skeptically look at how different it seemed. Maybe it had been a different—
No, what were the chances of two near identical theatre scenes in a hidden meadow?
Someone probably owned it and had happened to fix it, just recently. Yeah.

“Yeah, it’s nice, Neil.” Todd agreed, despite his eeriness.
Neil let him go and spun around, nearing the staircase up the scene.
“ This, will become historical. No one could ever find us here.” He said, beaming from top to toe as he basically danced around the scene. Todd was scared he’d fall through the damaged planks, until he was dragged up onto the scene himself.
“Imagine… us, the Dead Poet’s… here. Camouflaged and secret.”
“We almost got Mr. Keating suspended, and us, last time… remember?” Todd frowned.
“No, no. Listen, we’ll be more careful. I bet this isn’t even on the maps.”
Todd’s eyes darted around unsurely, opening his mouth before closing it again.
“Todd, please…” He shifted, seeming somewhat desperate. Todd sighed and shot his head back.
“You’ll have to see if the other’s even want in.”
“It could be just us,” Neil proposed, and silence beamed through the air before he corrected himself.
“But, obviously, that would probably be boring for you…”
Todd glared at him before glancing to the side.
“Yeah, right.”

***

They wandered through the lush forest, a canvas filled with auburn bushes and trees in their early stages of transformation. Todd’s mind was reeling. Neil had known of the exact same place, but it had looked different this time. And the ivy in the bathroom was stuck on his mind, toying with him like a prey stuck in a spiderweb. Everything tore at him like thorns, spreading confusion like a disease. It was too much, but now he was tangled in a mess that would only sprout further and leave him hung.