Chapter Text
Racetrack seemed to have regained his spark, the life that he had lost over the last few months had been rejuvenated, fuelled by the food he had been lacking. Nobody (other than jack and spot) really understood what had happened, to them it seemed that something was slowly sucking the personality out of Race, leaving him grey, and zombie like. Some thought it was a depressive episode, some thought he had come down with a mysterious illness, some thought it was an attention act.
Strangely, Race didn't mind all of these conspiracies, he rather enjoyed being mysterious and making people wonder. There are some people that you just can't quite figure out, Race longed to be one of them. That way he was never tied down, never questioned. Kept him on his toes, giving him the adrenaline that kept his life going. 'That's how youse suppost to live', Race had lectured so many times, 'on the edge'.
"What do ya think he had?" Snoddy whisper-shouted from his bunk.
" nothin'," skittery whispered back, "he just had a phase, it happens ta everyone."
"Dat was a long phase, he musta caught somethin', it started around winter maybe he had a really bad cold?" Specs analysed, jumping into the conversation.
"Ya see da way the kid is normally bouncin' off da walls it must be somethin' more than dat." Skittles mumbled.
"Ise say it was an attention gag, c'mon it's Race wes talkin' 'bout here." Pie eater scoffed.
" Watch ya mouth." Blink barked from where he was listening in, in all honestly the entire lodging house was listening in on the debate.
"All ise sayin' is dat he was like a mopey little kid for weeks, den one day he's right as rain. Ya gotta admit dat don't make no sense." Pie eater reasoned, a mischievous smile creeping onto his face.
" Maybe it don't gotta make sense, keep ya nose outta otha' people's business." Mush replied softly.
" Don't give me dat, ya know ise right." Pie eater said smugly.
"Can ya all shut up, it really ain't that big of a deal." Skittery snapped.
" Ya just can't ignore the fact dat Race is such an attention seek-" Pie eater ducked his dead and let his words drown out the minute Race waltzed in through the door.
The first thing Race thought when he walked in was that it was quiet, too quiet. The lodging house was never quiet, something must have shut them up. It must have been him, they were talking about him. Yet again. It wasn't news to Race that people had begun to whisper behind his back and tell tales about what had happened to him, some of the theories made him laugh out loud, some of them were so ridiculous that it left him speechless, some were dangerously close to the truth.
The number one fear Race had was people finding out the truth, this fear flooded him with a different type of adrenaline, a gross and sickly kind that made it hurt to breathe and sent his vision blury. He simply could not stand the thought of it. Nobody was to know about his relationship with food. Nobody at all. They might stop him from controlling it. even though his way of controlling it gave him a sore throat and watery eyes, it worked. It was far to personal to him. He couldn't go back to the way it was before the solution. He would rather die.
The eerie silence filled the room as the boys began to shuffle around and pretend to have a great interest in whatever was infront of them. Except skittery, who didn't seem to have moved at all, he was so straightforward, Race liked that about him.
Slowly, he walked to his bunk and looked around, he caught the eye of Mush who wore the guiltiest expression on his face. Was Mush one of the people who thought it was for attention? Mush who had been so kind to him this morning? Pathetic, he thought.
"Uh, hey Race was was sellin'?" Dutchy asked sheepishly.
"Fine, why?" Race replied slightly too quickly.
"Nothin'...was just wondering." He trailed off like an embarrassed child.
Yeah bet that ain't the only thing youse wondering, Race thought angrily to himself
Just then, he turned to face Pie eater, his eyes were searching over Race as if they had X-ray vision and were trying to see straight through him. The eyes were sharp and sneering as they patted him down for any sort of secret he may be hiding, they were like if a look could laugh at you. Race began to tug his shirt looser over his stomach. Did he know?
However, when the unkind eyes met Races panicked ones, the other boy smiled the fakest most cruel smile, pulling his lips lightly upwards and turning around, as if he were performing, and lay down. Race sat there in that position, as if the eyes hadn't moved and were still hovering a few feet away. Race wasn't exactly a private person, but there was some thing he wanted to keep away from prying eyes. These eyes seemed to follow him.
Even into the morning:
"Race could ya pass me da soap please?" Mush asked brightly, Race obliged.
"Thank ya so much!" Mush chirped, compensating Race thought. Guilts starting to get to him.
Race carried on washing up and began to get dressed, the entire time he could not shake the feeling of being watched. Whilst changing he felt violently uncomfortable and sucked in harshly. Everybody seemed more on edge with him today, as if they were walking on egg shells, he felt like a bunny left out of the burrow. He was walking by himself, that never happened.
"So Racey." Pie eater said, waltzing up to Race and throwing an arm round his shoulders, as if they were best friends.
"Can I help ya?" Race huffed.
"Yeah ise was just wonderin' how my best pal is taday." Pie eater said confidently and loudly, clearly trying to yet everybody to hear the conversation.
"Why don't ya go ask him?" Race snapped, speeding up.
"Yeah good one." The taller boy laughed and sped up with him.
"Seriously, what do ya want." Race stopped dead in his tracks and faced him full on, throwing his arm off his shoulder. Every single newsie held their breath.
"Aw youse seem snappy taday, ya wanna tell me why?" Pie eater smirked.
" 'cause ya won't leave me alone." Race growled.
"Come on there must be more than dat, wes all friends here Racey." He sneered and took a step closer so that there was hardly any room between them. Race considered walking away, punching him and bursting into tears all at the same time. Luckily he didn't have to chose.
"Alright dats enough." Jack interfered stepping between them, forcing pie eater to take a few steps back.
Pie eater just chuckled and shook his head, then stalked back to his group of friends as if he were a war hero, returning victorious. Jack turned around to face Race.
"Race ya know betta than ta fight with da otha fellas." Jack said frowning. Now Race really felt like crying. The breath had not yet been expelled as everyone watched, Knuckles turning white with anticipation.
He considered punching Jack now, he couldn't do that not only was Jack alot bigger than him but he could never hurt Jack if he tried. So instead, he opted for walking away. But not too weisels stand, there was somebody he desperately needed to see.
Race had never gotten to Brooklyn this quickly in his life, auto pilot had seemed to have turned on so that angry thoughts could tease Races ID. He didn't realise he was there until he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Racer?" The hand said.
"Spottie." Race smiled and felt safe for the first time that morning.
"Not that I ain't happy ta see ya, but why are ya here so early?" Spot asked.
Race sighed, "ise havin' trouble with some of da 'hattan newsies and I don't wanna see them." There was no point in lying, he knew that Spot could see straight threw him.
"Give me a name and I'll soak 'em." Spot said automatically, Race laughed even though he knew it wasn't a joke.
"That ain't gonna make it betta', 'sides if anyone's gonna soak da bastard its gonna be me." Race voiced harshly.
"What did he do?" Spot asked.
"Ya gonna think its stupid." Race realised.
" no Ise won't." Race considered for a minute, "tell me Racer."
" remember how for a few months I had...," Race looked around cautiously, "food problems, I wasn't eatin' properly and I was real dizzy all da time, honestly I hardly even remember those months, it's like I wasn't actually in my body. I was like a zombie, I didn't feel real and I wasn't da fun friend anymore. The otha fellas started making theories on why I was like dat, some of them ain't so nice and think i was doin' it for attention. I didnt care all dat much at da start, but even the boys I thought were my friends started doin' it and whisperin' 'bout me." Race rambled with his eyes fixed on Spots left shoulder.
"Dis one guy, I ain't tellin ya his name incase ya jump him, hes become obsessed with it, he talks 'bout it while I'm right next ta him, he won't leave me alone and he keeps starin at me tryna figure it out. This morning, he grabbed me and he just started harassin' me, I was honest to god gonna soak him, but Jack stepped in." Race finished and had gone red from anger, he finally looked at Spot whose eyes had hardened.
"Are ya sure I ain't allowed ta soak him?" Spot asked again, still not joking.
"Not yet." Race smiled, also not completely joking. There was a brief moment of silence.
"Ise so scared Spot." Race said quietly.
"Of what? Him? 'Cause if he touches ya-"
"No not of him. I don't want anyone findin' out, I don't think ise could live with that." Race said sadly.
"Don't worry, they ain't gonna find out." Spot reassured softly.
"But what if they do, Ise can't deal with that conversation, Ise can't do it." Race began to breathe much faster than his little body needed too.
"Hey, hey Race calm down." Spot pulled him into a hug and rubbed him on the back until his breathing slowed down, "it's gonna be okay, youse got Jack ta-"
"Jack took his side." Race blurted out, it wasn't exactly the truth, but it wasn't exactly a lie either. Race wheezed slightly as the tight became much tighter.
"All of my friends either think I'm fakin' it too or just let him harass me, Ise so alone." Races voice broke on the word alone, so he bit his tongue to force the tears he knew was coming back into his head.
Spot just held him, he didn't say anything, snd honestly, Race didn't want him to say anything. He burried his face into Spots shoulder, breathing deeply trying to focus on something other than the impending wetness threatening his dry skin.
"Ya know ya can come live here right?" Spot whispered into Races Hair, normally Race would dismiss this idea as it wasn't the first time this had been brought up, however it wasn't sounding like a bad idea. So, he nodded, Spot kissed the top of Races head because he knew that Race always got giggly after he did that.
Race smiled and pulled back from the hug.
"Are ya gonna be okay?" Spot asked kindly, why do you even say to the sweet boy that had just been betrayed by his whole family, all because of a personal secret that meant alot to him. Spot was fuming.
Race nodded. And wiped his slightly glassy eyes.
"Ise gotta a meeting with Queens, ya gonna be okay by yaself 'cause I can't cancel if ya want me too-"
"No spottie, ise fine, go." Race interrupted Spot quickly kissed his head again and walked off, much faster than he usually does.
After that, Race spent a few hours walking aimlessly round brooklyn, all of his brothers, gone, just like that. He didn't think he was selfish to keep this a secret, was he? Did they secretly hate him all this time and were looking for an excuse to cut him off? What were they saying about him yesterday before he walked in? Should he let Spot soak them? Should he even go home at all? Or should he - BANG
"Sorry sir." Race yelped as he looked up at the tall man who he had just walked into, way too deep into thought to have seen him.
"It's okay, kiddo." The man smiled and grabbed one of Races wrists and lifted him to his feet. "Oh my, you're so light! you been eating alright son?"
"Uh well I'm a newsie." Race stuttered out, not wanting to think about weight right now. The man clicked his tongue as if that answered his question.
"Here kiddo, take what's left from my stand, its only going to the birds anyway." He offered Race a large bag, seeming full with bread and pasterys.
"Uh...thank you sir." Race reluctantly took the bag, it seemed impolite not too and Race didn't want anybody to feel the way he did right now. The man ruffled his hair and continued to pack away his cart.
Swinging the bag slightly, Race continued to walk, his pace matching the thoughts that were infiltrating his head. He slumped down on a random street curb, his feet aching. He looked in the bag, there was probably about 3 days worth of food in there, that he could keep, ration. Normally, he would go and share it with his friends who may have had a hard day selling, those weren't his friends. The worst part was that he would have never done that to them.
He pulled out a peice of bread and began to eat it, it was the first time he had stopped thinking all day, the flavour washing over his tongue seemed to numb to negative thoughts, so he kept eating and eating and eating... his mind and stomach were screaming at him to stop, but he was suddenly numb, after a whole day of evil thoughts, the sweet taste felt like heaven to him, he hadnt felt this happy in so long. So he kept going, despite his better judgement, all he wanted was comfort. He no longer had friends for that, so he turned to the next best thing. He ate and ate and ate.
Until the bag was gone.
He sat there gasping for breath, with the food gone, the temporary numbing had left. The thoughts returned, just as angry, but this time at himself.
Of course nobody wants to be friends with you, nobody likes a fat, greedy pig, You are disgusting.
Why don't I have control
The walk home was agonising, every step made his over-filled stomach gargle. He had planned to stay in brooklyn that night, however he couldn't stand to have spot see him like this. So big and ugly. He had completely forgotten about the earlier problems and could only focus on one thing, I need to get this food out of me.
Meanwhile in manhattan:
"I'm really worried 'bout Race he neva comes home dis late!" Mush fretted as a few of the boys sat by the door waiting for Races return rather than sleeping in their beds. (Jack, Mush, Blink, crutchy and Skittery)
"He'll be fine, he comes home late all da time." Blink reassured.
"What if he doesn't come back." Crutchy said frantically.
"He will." Skittery said matter-of-factually.
"Not after the way wes all treated him, if I was him I wouldn't come back." Crutchy nervously twitched his good leg.
"Maybe ya all shoulda been nicer ta him then." Skittery said neutrally.
"Whats dat supposed ta mean." Jack frowned, arms crossed with worry.
" Ya don't exactly defend him." Skittery shrugged.
"I do!" Blink chimed in.
"Not infront of his face, ya hafta think of it from his perspective, with everyone whisperin' behind his back and the way the room goes silent when he walks in. He ain't thick he's gonna know wes talkin' 'bout him." He replied cooly.
"Do ya think that he thinks we hate him?" Mush asked hoarsely.
"Just sayin' if my friends were watchin' me get bullied by fellas twice my size I wouldn't exactly keep 'em." Skittery stubbed his cigarette out on the wall.
There was a tense silence, as skitterys harsh but true words sank into them like a needle.
"Then wes gotta tell him." Jack broke the silence. There was a mutual agreement.
"Ise feel so bad." Crutchy put his head in his hands and groaned.
"Me too." Mush sighed.
"When he comes back we'll make it right, then tomorrow we'll talk to da other fellas and get them to lay off, especially Pie eater." Blink suggested.
"Ise fully support pie eater hate by da way guys." Skittery smiled.
"Why do ya hate him?" Crutchy asked
"Ise never liked him, I have a sixth sense when it comes to these things, I was waitin' for everybody else ta notice." Skittery said, still smiling.
"Skittery you hate everyone." Jack pointed out.
"Do not! I like dat old lady dat gave me a peppermint yesterday." Skittery said offendedly.
"So what are we gonna do about Pie eater?" Jack asked
"- we should give him a stern talking too!"
"- lets all ignore him till he stops."
"- we outta treat him like how he's been treating Race!"
"- ask him nicely and go from there."
"- let's kill him!"
- "Skittery!"
"Everybody shaddup Race is back!" Jack snapped at the bickering teenages. They all scurried up to the window to see Race walking uncomfortably through the alley way.
Race had finally made It home from Brooklyn, the overfill of food had made him walk far slower than he normally would have, he reached down and felt his bloated stomach. Rock hard. He felt like an ugly balloon. Ready to pop at any minute. He hated the feeling of food inside of him, yet he loved the feeling of eating. It wasn't fair. He was fine with receiving comfort from the food as long as he could take it out after.
Normally, he would quietly sneak to the toilet when the rucus of rowdy newsies was at its peak so nobody could hear the retching. He wasn't going to make it. Not this time. The food was so overbearing that if it sat in him any longer he may have to start ripping it out through his stomach.
He was going to have to do it right there and then.
Knowingly, he stuck his usual fingers down his throat and the heaving began. He heaved and heaved until he was empty, and his stomach content was spilled on the floor in the alley, that would probably be blamed on a drunk in the morning. He took a deep breath in, the cold air hurting his raw throat. He blinked away the glassiness of his eyes and looked up.
To where 5 eyes were staring at him in horror. All of them looked on the verge of being sick themselves, pale in the face with bulging eyes and gaping mouths. All but Skittery, who just looked sympathetic.
Race froze, and suddenly felt faint with panic. They all knew.
He had lost control.