Chapter Text
The wind should be comforting. Rain should be comforting. Everything about weather should invoke a sense of… anything in the person that views it. But I can’t even bring myself to pretend that this does something to me. The sound of rustling leaves would’ve once calmed me down, would’ve once reminded me of how time passing is not necessarily a bad thing. It comes with so many beautiful things. Autumn is rainy and cold, but I can go outside freely and… do things I like. Winter is even colder, but it gives me an excuse as to why I stay in my room all day. Spring triggers all my allergies, but at least the flowers are pretty to look at. And summer is… a season that would’ve once brought me joy. But now every summer just reminds me of just how stupid I can be. Of just how useless I have become in the face of change.
Months have passed over me like I was a shell on a beach constantly being washed by the tides, just waiting for something to happen, but nothing did. And the tides just kept crashing as I gave up on fighting them completely. The shores of Okinawa change as well. I can’t remember the last time we last saw them together, though.
“Reki?”
I flinch as someone calls out to me. I turn my head to the left, looking at my mother. Her eyes are filled with concern. Concern I don’t need. Don’t deserve. Concern that will only drag her down with me once I lose my grip on everything and fall. It’s not even a matter of “if”, but rather one of “when.” She knows this better than anyone.
“Dear, are you alright?” she asks again. “You haven’t said anything since we’ve left..”
“‘M fine.” I answer plainly, my voice coming out more whiny and bored than I wanted it to be. “Just… keeping my eyes on the road.”
From the backseat, I feel an overwhelming presence. From between me and my mother’s seats, somebody peeks their head, their pigtails brushing against our arms. My younger sister, Koyomi, looks at me with an unimpressed look on her face. She blinks, seemingly taking her time to think about what she will say.
“You know, you could at least pretend to be good at lying.” she chimes in
Ha. It seems like she hasn’t lost her perception skills afterall. Either that, or I’ve grown that obvious. Not like I’m trying to hide, anyway.
I look up at the rear view mirror, seeing her face. I don’t want to turn my face away from the road. I don’t know what may come my way.
Koyomi’s eyes travel up to the mirror as well, meeting mine. She seems more disappointed than anything. She rocks in her seat, groaning as she probably notices my eyebags. Mom’s foundation is lighter than my skintone, although I've begun losing my suntan over the years.
“Oh, c’mon! Lighten up! It sucks that not only is the weather like this -” she extends an arm and gestures aggressively to the windscreen, specifically to the many slow raindrops falling on it “- but now you're also all gloom ‘n doom. It's really exhausting!”
I let out a sigh, looking forward. “Okay, Okay”, I mumbled. I can’t help but wonder: how did it all come to this ? I mean, this is a less than pleasing outcome. I can’t say I even wanted to go to college in the first place, much less a Polytechnic one. Man, I can only imagine those places are like hell. I don’t really even like the thing I applied for. But I guess it’ll have to do. Mom said this University is a good one, and afterwards I will have a good job that pays well. And I’ll work hard and I’ll retire, and yada yada.
I dread the future ahead of me. Just like I dread my past. If anything, I think it might be my fault that it all turned out this way. If I wasn't so afraid of confrontation, maybe if we talked more.... it could have been different now. But I did not. Still, why didn't he try more? I feel a surge of anger coursing through me. I try to stifle it. It's all gone now. Why get mad? The storm outside is useful. The rain feeds the soil, it regulates temperatures and even helps ecosystems thrive (or whatever our biology teacher taught us back in year two of high school), but this storm raging inside me is useless. No one gets it. No one ever does. It is one I am used to. Rage, regret, disgust, all gathered in an endless fountain whose waters drown me every time. I don’t even fight them anymore, for they’d only get stronger. I let myself fall, let myself drown. And one day I’ll reach rock bottom. How will it feel? What will it look like? I almost shiver at the thought. But I think it’d be more comfortable than facing… everything, really.
The rest of the road was a blur. Words after words spilled. I would hum in approval every time, without registering anything. My mind was already too full, my ears too tired, my eyes only focused on the road ahead but sometimes hovering over to the rear view mirror to give my sister the feeling that I was actually listening. My hands were clenched on the steering wheel, and my feet were deftly divided among the three pedals, repeating the necessary moves to get to our destination safely.
I was tired and sick. Is it embarrassing if I say that I just want to go to my room and lay down? And not in the dorm I’ll be assigned, I don’t dare hope anything good may bloom from it. No, my own bedroom, from my own house. I honestly would wish nothing more. For about half of my free time I just bedrotted. My room was my safe spot. I kept it somewhat clean. I mean, I could see the floor and there were never cockroaches in there. I think I’d burn the house down if there were. Just joking, of course. I wouldn’t take this from myself as well.
The rain had already stopped for a while when we got to the dorms. I think there are about twenty-something “apartment buildings”. The parking lot was about a quarter full at this point, or a little less. My mom whistled. “We better hurry up. We still don’t know how many rooms are left, and especially not how many are good ones. Oh, how I hope you’ll get into a two-person room!”
“Yeah…” I say softly. I knew she was right. I took my luggage from the trunk of the car and then we hurried to the P21 dormitory. I knew in which dormitory I would stay, but not the literal room that would be assigned when I got there. I look at everything around me. The cold-ish air made me wish I had a hoodie on instead of the black shirt I’ve chosen this morning. I mean, it’s not really unusually cold for this part of the year or anything.
I arrived at the reception where a woman in her 50s or 60s was sitting, bored, looking at her phone. The table was covered with probably hundreds of papers in neatly organized stacks. I could also see a computer whose screen showed a Facebook page. There was also a book on the table called "Fight Club". I see this woman is more or less one of great culture - at least that’s what… American people online said. When she sees us, she takes on a nicer stance, smiling and putting her phone down.
“How may I help you today?” she asks.
I awkwardly looked over to mom and Koyomi, as if expecting them to save me from this conversation. It’s so unusual for someone that isn’t them to try to talk to me. Luckily for me, my mother steps forward, smiling like it’s the best day in the world.
“Good day! You see, my son, Reki, over here…” she begins, but I can’t bring myself to focus on her words either. I just stare at the ground, at my blue sneakers. They’re dirtier than the last time I wore them.. Especially on a rainy day. The last time I did-
I feel myself flinching and beginning to hunch. Why can’t I just stop thinking about it? Why, why, why…
Why can’t I just let go?