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The first thing Buck noticed when he opened his eyes was sunlight refracting along the walls of Eddie’s room. The next thing he noticed (remembered, discovered…) was Eddie fast asleep next to him, her arm draped lifelessly across Buck’s torso.
Buck promptly stopped noticing anything else after that.
He savored the solitary opportunity to drink Eddie in; the rhythmic rise and fall of her back in time with her breathing, the adorable little whistling sound escaping her nose from time to time. She laid on her stomach with her head plastered to the mattress (sometime in the night, she must have knocked her pillow onto the floor, because it was nowhere to be seen). Buck grinned, making a mental note to tease Eddie for her erratic sleeping habits at a more appropriate hour.
Eddie was meant to bask in glows as soft as this, Buck decided. Her skin soaked up the sunrays seeping through her terracotta curtains, and Buck lost himself in the peace etching her sleeping features. Suddenly, vividly, he recalled the night prior, when Buck and Eddie all but stumbled into Eddie’s room after their first official date.
Throughout dinner, Buck had been only somewhat successful in staving away the nagging predicament of their sleeping arrangements. It was easy when they were bantering back and forth; he could pretend that it was any other night, any other dinner between friends. As soon as the conversation lulled and he was left to his own thoughts, Buck ruminated over what the proper etiquette was for ending a date when you happened to live with the person you were dating.
But then, Eddie would smile at him, or take a sip of water, or hum a little tune to herself as she contemplated the dessert menu, and Buck’s worries melted away, mere background noise to the ethereal vision in front of him.
The car ride home was near torture, with nothing for Buck to focus on but his own thoughts and the road ahead. He was so preoccupied fantasizing about what would happen when they got home, Buck almost didn’t hear Eddie when she asked, “Where’re you sleeping tonight?”
Buck could tell by Eddie’s abrupt tone the thought had just come to her; she hadn’t been spiraling over that very question for the entire night as Buck had. He feigned ignorance, putting on a show of pondering the question before ultimately shrugging indifferently.
“What about my room?” she asked, completely casual.
Buck glanced from the road to Eddie’s face, hoping for some kind of hint, but she just stared at him neutrally, her eyebrows raised in expectation of an answer. “Uh, sure,” Buck eventually answered, keeping his tone vague. “I mean, if that’s what you want.”
That’s how he ended up standing alone in the middle of Eddie’s bedroom with his hands padding his hips, awkwardly glancing around like it was his first time being there. This, of course, was not true; Buck had been Eddie’s right-hand man during the bedroom renovation project she took on after coming out the year prior. He was present for every coat of paint and each new piece of furniture, and yet, he never really got to see how it all came together as one cohesive space.
The room was awash with warmth, from the burnt oranges and golds she based her color palette on to the amber light emanating from the several small lamps placed around the room. The head of her bed was on the same wall as the door leading into the hallway, and across from it was Eddie’s desk, which was a chaotic mess of papers and books and art supplies. Various photographs of Eddie’s loved ones adorned the walls, and amidst them, Buck's own face cropped up again and again.
Buck whipped around as though he'd been caught when he heard the door close to find Eddie standing in front of him. “Hi,” she said, almost shy.
“Hi,” Buck replied. Unsure of what to do in the ensuing quiet, he asked, “How was Chris?”
“Good,” Eddie answered with a fond smile at the door.
“Good,” Buck echoed, then they were right back to silence. After five seconds, Buck shakily offered, “You know, I-I really don’t mind sleeping on the couch if you—”
“Buck,” Eddie interjected, her voice patient, but final. “If you want to sleep on the couch, that’s fine. Just tell me.”
Panicked, Buck sputtered, “I don’t— that’s not—”
Eddie cut him off again, this time taking Buck’s hand and leading him to the side of her bed as she said, “That couch isn’t comfortable, if you ask me. Not sure how you’ve slept on it til now.” Eddie sat down and gestured for Buck to join the space next to her, and when he complied, she murmured, “You deserve to be comfortable,” as though it were a secret.
Buck determinedly reached for both of Eddie’s hands, never leaving the comfortable hold of those dark, glimmering eyes of hers. Eventually, he worked up the courage to ask what felt like a secret of his own.
“Can I kiss you, gorgeous?”
Eddie’s grin was instant and illuminated her entire face. Buck swore he could live in her radiance forever, if she let him. He managed to return her smile as she nodded, let out a trapped exhale, and answered, “Yeah.”
Eddie’s eyes fluttered shut. Buck leaned in, and when their lips were dangerously close to touching, he repeated, “Yeah?”
Eyes still closed, Eddie whispered back, “Yes.”
Her entire body was unmoving, waiting, waiting for Buck. The idea alone made Buck’s heart jump to his throat and his thoughts to fuse together in one incoherent mass of reverence. But before Eddie could change her mind, Buck took a short, centering breath, and pressed their lips together.
Eddie was the first to move, placing her palms on either side of Buck’s jaw, drawing him in (as though he needed to be drawn in), while Buck’s hands naturally gravitated to her waist. The kisses were unhurried and tender, so much so that Buck was starting to feel a little silly for being so nervous in the first place. That was until Eddie’s tongue danced curiously against his own, then suddenly, Buck was totally lost in desire.
Kissing Eddie wasn’t so different from laughing with her, Buck decided. Her lips against his reminded him of every potent, intoxicating memory they ever shared bottled into one, of returning to a home he had never fully known, but yearned for all the same.
And then, all at once, it reminded Buck of dying. Of the few fated seconds before lightning struck him down, when he peered up into the expansive sky and thought— knew — in his bones his life was about to change forever. Electricity and light, burning into oblivion.
Then, without warning, the kiss was over.
Eddie pried herself from Buck, gasping his name, signaling him to stop. “What’d I do?” he asked, immediately retracting his hands.
“Nothing, I just…” That’s when Buck noticed Eddie’s face and neck were flushed crimson, and she brought her hands into her lap to wring them together. Tremulously, she continued, “We haven’t talked about, uh…I don’t know if I’m— if we’re— shit—”
Buck covered Eddie’s hands with his own once more and gently observed, “Honey, you’re shaking.”
Eddie sniffled and shook her head. “Yeah, I’m…Fuck, I don’t know,” she said in a huff, then stood from the bed, severing their hold.
Following Eddie’s lead, Buck stood and approached her. She faced away from him with her arms crossed over her chest and her head slumped forward. “Hey,” Buck consoled, and reached out a cautious hand to cover one of her quaking shoulders. Though she relaxed into the touch, Eddie still didn’t face him, and Buck’s chest felt tight. “Eddie,” he whispered helplessly, almost too quiet for her to hear.
“I’m sorry,” she said, voice high and full of anguish.
Fighting the intense urge to wrap his arms around her and keep them there until she was happy again, Buck asked, “For what, angel?” and caressed her shoulder with his thumb.
After a heavy sigh, Eddie pivoted back around. Her downturned eyes revealed dark mascara lines streaking down her cheeks, and Buck was sure he felt his heart breaking. “Eddie, c’mon,” Buck encouraged, holding her chin between his thumb and index finger. When tearful eyes met his own, Buck told them, “It’s just me.”
That’s when Eddie wrapped her arms tightly around Buck’s shoulders, standing on her toes to fit the space. Buck’s arms immediately found home around her waist, his head in the curve of her neck, and he took a deep breath for the first time since they stopped kissing. They stayed that way for some time, swaying back and forth, breathing each other in.
Eddie didn’t seem to be actively crying, but Buck could hear her sniffling now and again. Neither of them spoke for a long time, until Eddie’s surprisingly level voice said, “I want to take things slow.”
Perplexed, Buck asked, “What things?”
That made Eddie laugh, if only for a brief moment. Then, she relaxed her hold on Buck, shifted so they were looking one another in the eye, and answered, “Sex things,” although it sounded like she wanted to call him stupid instead.
“Oh!” Buck yelped, face flush with embarrassment. Before he could even think of stopping himself, Buck stammered, “W-Well that’s— ah— that’s fine— O-Of course it’s fine— Not that you asked me, but— Well, I didn’t think—I mean, I didn’t not think— I mean, uhh—”
And Eddie diabolically did not utter a word until Buck was fully floundering, his wide eyes begging her for reprieve. “Relax, Buckley,” she said with a patronizing pat on Buck’s cheek, then her playful disposition slipped back into solemnity. Her eyes fell past Buck’s shoulder as she told him, “The reason I didn’t say anything before is because…Well, I honestly didn’t think I would want to— not yet, anyway— but kissing you…” Eddie trailed off, her eyes flickering into Buck’s once more.
“Kissing me…made you want to?” Buck finished for her, and nearly passed out in the two seconds before she nodded. Buck swallowed hard.
“I still don’t think I’m ready, like, emotionally,” Eddie clarified, her cheeks growing rosier by the second. “But before, I wasn’t sure what…what it would feel like.”
In spite of himself, Buck echoed, “What what would feel like?”
Eddie gave him a funny little smile, then replied, “Desire.” Her voice was measured, matter-of-fact. Easy. All Buck could do was gape at her, distantly wondering if he was actually dreaming. "Is that...okay?" Eddie asked, sounding like she was holding her breath.
Locating his voice, Buck said, "Eddie," and cupped her face between his palms. "You have no idea how long I've wanted you," he murmured sagely to shimmering eyes.
Eddie wrapped herself around Buck once more, hugging him even tighter than before. Her voice was weary when she asked, "Can we go to bed now?"
By the time Buck and Eddie had both showered and gotten ready for bed, it was over an hour later and well past midnight. Once they were both situated in bed, lying on their sides with their heads facing one another, Buck’s mouth broke into a wide grin. “What?” Eddie asked through a smile of her own, though it was too timid and taut for Buck’s liking.
“You’re so beautiful,” Buck said truthfully, reveling in the ease at which Eddie softened.
Her eyes narrowed and her tone was playful when she replied, “You might’ve mentioned that.”
Buck hummed and tapped his chin, pretending to be lost in thought. Only when Eddie chuckled and shoved his shoulder did he agree, “Maybe once or twice.”
Eddie’s smile dissipated into a gentle glow enveloping her face. Then, a soft admission, “I like hearing you say it.”
Buck ached to kiss Eddie again (and again and again and again…). He settled instead for smoothing his hand over the curve of her waist, enthralled by how well they fit together.
Buck’s tone was teasing when he said, “Well, that’s good, because I don’t really plan on shutting up about it anytime soon,” but he meant every word.
That earned him a flat, reprimanding, “Buck.”
“I mean it,” Buck insisted, leaning in to convey his sincerity. “I’m gonna start introducing you as my beautiful—” He realized what he was about to say far too late, and cutting himself off only made it worse. Buck and Eddie stared into each other’s wide eyes as Buck’s brain raced to fix it, or at least say something. He tried again, foolishly hoping a different word would surface, “A-A-As m-my b-beautiful—”
“Girlfriend?”
“Buck?” drawled a tired voice. Buck zoned back into reality where Eddie squinted barely-open eyes at him. “Why are you staring at me?” she asked, and when she lifted her head, her short bobbed hair stuck out at a straight angle.
Buck stifled a chuckle and observed, “Your pillow’s missing.”
Eddie yawned, then padded her cheek with her unoccupied forearm. “Yeah, I guess so,” she replied, rasped and distant. When her eyes drifted closed, they jumped right back open.
Buck watched this cycle continue for longer than necessary for his own amusement, but when Eddie’s eyes didn’t open again, he said, “You could do that— sleep on your arm until it falls asleep, or…”
Eddie asked, “Or what?” sounding only a moment away from unconsciousness.
“Or, I could be your pillow.”
Eddie’s heavy lids opened once more, and she stared at Buck like he just asked her to marry him. She stayed still— How is she so still? Buck thought— save for the blush rising in her cheeks.
“I forgot,” Eddie finally admitted as she focused on her arm strewn across Buck, seeming to perceive its position for the first time since waking.
Buck reached a knuckle out to affectionately graze Eddie’s cheekbone. “You forgot about me?” he asked, feigning dejection with a small pout.
Eddie made a face and flatly denied, “No, I—”
“I’m messing with you, babe,” Buck interjected, tucking a lock of dark hair behind her ear.
Eddie tossed him a no nonsense expression and a sarcastic, “Funny.” But then, her eyes fell once more to her arm. When she glanced back at Buck, her doe eyes posed a silent question.
Buck said, “Come here,” and in an instant, Eddie nuzzled her forehead into his neck, she gripped her arms snugly around his waist, and locked her leg across Buck’s hips. Buck wasted no time resting one hand on Eddie’s knee and the other on her back.
Eddie sighed deeply, and Buck imagined her eyes closing again. “Buck?” she asked, lips brushing his collarbone.
He ignored the goosebumps and replied a shivered, “What’s up?”
“Is it still early?” Eddie implored, her voice engulfed in exhaustion.
With a soft chuckle, Buck settled his cheek against the top of Eddie’s head. “Yeah, baby,” he answered just above a whisper, “it’s still early.”
Eddie’s response was a contented hum, then she decompressed like a weighted blanket over Buck, boneless and warm.
He murmured, “That was fast,” to himself.
Buck was so sure Eddie had fallen asleep, it startled him when she cognizantly asked, “What about you?” and angled her head to look Buck in the eye.
Buck smiled softly and dipped a thumb into the dimple of her cheek. “What about me?” he echoed.
The concern in Eddie’s voice when she asked, “Are you gonna go back to sleep, too?” nearly choked Buck up.
“Nah, I’m not tired,” he said, and Eddie’s eyes shut once more.
Buck leaned forward to kiss her forehead, pausing his lips there for a moment. Eddie circled her fingers loosely around Buck’s wrist.
“I’m gonna stay right here and make sure you don’t do anything crazy,” Buck half-whispered, hugging Eddie closer as she breathed a sleepy laugh.
She wondered, "Like what?" and squeezed Buck back.
"Like treating me how you treat your pillow."
Eddie scoffed. “I think you’re safe.”
“Yeah. We both are.”
Eddie guided Buck’s hand from her cheek to her mouth and kissed his palm. When Eddie’s lips parted his hand, Buck dropped it to her neck, where his fingers met a pulse beating faster than Buck would expect of someone barely clinging to consciousness.
Eddie glanced up at him, and her brows knit together like she was thinking something loud. Buck kissed the tip of her nose and soothed, "Go back to sleep.”
Buck witnessed her unwind once more. Her cheek landed on his chest and she hugged him tightly. Buck trailed a lazy hand up and down Eddie’s spine as her grip around him incrementally loosened.
Just when she fooled Buck into believing she was asleep once again, Eddie said, “I love you, Buck,” as if it left her lips a thousand times before. She didn’t even look up.
To a mass of mussed hair, Buck replied, “I love you too, Eddie.” Of course I do. Though he knew it wasn’t technically possible, Buck thought he had been born loving Eddie, that it was hardwired into his system, his entire being.
Eddie’s head upturned one final time, but Buck barely registered it before she kissed him. It was brief, but Buck managed to catch Eddie’s chin between his fingers and treasure the softness of her skin, the gentleness of her lips.
Eddie pulled away to blink weighted lids open at Buck, who grinned. “Your breath stinks, babe,” he chided, earning an unenthused glare.
“Your breath always stinks,” Eddie griped back, and Buck resisted the tempting urge to breathe directly into her nose.
“Says the girl who just kissed me,” Buck retorted, and Eddie frowned. She sighed dramatically and resigned to hiding her face in the crook of Buck’s neck once again. Buck tacked on, “Says the girl who kissed me a couple times, now, actually,” for good measure.
Eddie groaned. “Please be quiet; your girlfriend is trying to sleep, remember?” she asked with sarcastic politeness.
Buck exhaled a laugh, then said, “Yeah. Okay, girlfriend,” and silently celebrated the fact that he won, even if Eddie’s words had him blushing.
Not two minutes after Eddie’s nose resumed whistling, Buck’s stomach heaved a loud, painful growl, leading him to surmise, Maybe it’s not as early as I thought. He reached for his phone on the nightstand, careful to make no sudden movements, but Eddie slept steadily on top of him.
The screen lit up, revealing a text Christopher sent to their group chat ten minutes prior, wondering if anyone was awake and whether they were planning on feeding him or letting him starve to death. Buck suppressed a laugh and finally caught the time in the corner of his screen— just past ten o’clock. Definitely not as early as Buck thought.
He typed a text back to Chris with one hand, reading: no comment LOL your mom’s still sleeping. i’ll order something for delivery, just lmk what you want!
While awaiting Christopher’s response, Buck settled in and began sifting his fingers through Eddie’s hair, careful not to pull too hard through the tangles. He closed his eyes, and attempted to commit it all to memory; the delicious weight of Eddie in his arms, the contented quiet hanging around them, the love so harmoniously singing through Buck's being.
His mind wandered once again to the night before, when they were finally, actually ready to go to sleep. After they said the their goodnights and shared one more kiss, Eddie curled up next to Buck, who laid on his back, staring blankly at the ceiling with his hands clasped together over his ribcage.
He wasn’t sure how much time had passed before he heard Eddie whisper, “You okay?”
Buck glanced down to find her staring at him expectantly with those eyes he could only dream of lying to. “Yeah,” he answered truthfully through a small smile. “Can’t sleep.”
Eddie hummed sympathetically and rested a hand on Buck’s arm. “Can I help?” she asked earnestly.
Buck’s first instinct was to say no, to tell Eddie to go back to sleep and go back to staring at the ceiling, but denial didn’t come. In fact, Buck found himself asking, “Will you…hold me?”
The question sounded awkward and clunky leaving his lips, like he had never said the words in that order before in his life, which led him to wonder if that was indeed the case. He braced himself for rejection, but Eddie squeezed Buck’s arm and said, “Of course.”
The eagerness in Buck’s voice when he asked, “Really?” made him feel like a child, but he didn’t care.
“Buck,” Eddie murmured back with a soft, affectionate headshake. “Get over here.”
Eddie readily accepted Buck into her arms with his head resting against her chest. Buck laid partially on top of her, but Eddie didn't seem to mind, as her fingers almost immediately began combing through Buck's hair, tracing the pattern of his curls.
Buck tried to stifle a yawn, embarrassed by how quickly Eddie's hold affected him. "Are you trying to stay awake?" Eddie asked incredulously.
"No," Buck lied. When Eddie paused her hand, he admitted, "Yes."
"Wasn't the point of me holding you for you to go to sleep?"
With a sigh, Buck looked up and met Eddie's eyes. "Yeah, but...you need to sleep too, Eddie."
"I will," Eddie insisted, then gave Buck a kiss on the forehead with a loud, "Mwah."
Recognizing the battle as futile, Buck surrendered, "Okay," and settled back in.
Eddie started playing with his hair again, this time using her long fingernails to scratch ever-so-lightly at his scalp. "Go to sleep, darlin'," she whispered, and if Buck hadn't been so exhausted, he would've been covered in goosebumps.
The very last thing Buck remembered before stepping into sleep's abyss was the warm timbre of Eddie's voice as it softly started to sing.