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The evening was supposed to be a simple race– something that, over the years, had become a habit between the two hedgehogs. Yet as they both stood in the forest catching their breath after another tie, Shadow’s words came much like his attacks, quick and without warning, as he began to say it. It was not the first time, but usually there were hints, and tonight, he had cut to the chase, knowing how Sonic would try to step around the conversation just as he did every time.
Given no chance to use his words, Sonic ran before he could hear Shadow’s. Against anyone else, it would have been an effective escape. Yet given that it was Shadow he ran from, it did not matter that he neared his top speed. Within a few moments, Shadow caught Sonic around the waist, sending them crashing through the woods, snagging on thorn bushes and branches. Shadow’s claws dug into Sonic even as they slid through the forest’s debris, refusing to give him any chance of escape. Their tumble came to an abrupt stop as they hit stone, with Shadow’s back taking most of the impact. Still, in an instant, Shadow had Sonic pinned. His claws dug into Sonic's shoulders as he growled, “Let me say it.”
Sonic’s indignant pushing stopped almost instantly. Sure, Shadow was pissed, but there was a warble in his tone that made Sonic drop the fight. The whole reason Sonic had been avoiding this conversation was to keep Shadow from pain. But maybe the running was hurting him already.
“Okay, okay. I’ll listen.” Sonic held his hands empty in a rare surrender. “But at least let me stand up first.”
Which apparently meant getting dragged to his feet by his chest fur. “Dude! Hey! I’m not gonna run off this time.”
Shadow narrowed his eyes. Distrusting, yet after several moments, his grip loosened, and Sonic made the point to lean against the cobblestone wall they had crashed into. He drummed his fingers as Shadow also rested his elbows on the stone.
For a moment, things were peaceful, the ocean was in the distance, and with a clear night sky, the stars were all visible. He heard Shadow inhale, and upon panic, Sonic began talking to fill the space. Only a few sentences in, did his mind even catch up with his mouth, realizing he was rambling about the most recent small-town villain he had encountered and beat.
Quite generously, Shadow let him go on. Not listening, just looking outwards. Irritation stirred inside his chest, but he refrained. It was a true sign of restraint that he had not started another brawl, given how much Sonic’s chatter irked him.
Sonic felt cornered, with his rambling being the only thing keeping him from having to face it. He felt like a fool for not seeing the signs even before their race. That Shadow had had that look on him, the one Sonic had seen long ago on another hedgehog, even if they wore it differently.
Sonic didn’t want to handle it. Years ago, it had killed him to buckle down and reject Amy– one of his closest friends, whom he loved dearly, just not the way she had wanted. She had put on a strong face, but had been devastated. Sure, from there, the honesty had let them grow closer than ever, but the hurt that got them there had been awful. Sonic did not want to do that again. Which was why even when he had noticed Shadow’s hints and expressions for years, he had tried not to entertain the idea.
Yet despite himself, he ran to Shadow as much as he ran from Shadow’s feelings.
While Sonic's feelings toward Shadow weren't romantic or sexual in nature, he craved to grow closer to the other. Ached for his presence. Not only in the races or spars that reminded him that they existed in perfect complement to each other, but also, the quiet nights after a spar when they lay tired and Shadow would offhandedly teach Sonic a constellation, or the way Shadow could sit quietly with him for hours as Sonic played guitar, giving them both relief from their racing minds.
While Sonic’s ramble continued, Shadow let out an exasperated sigh. He had been gazing upwards to the moon, but now he looked Sonic in the eyes. Shadow pulled away from the stone wall they leaned on and grabbed Sonic's shoulder. “Sonic.”
He paused mid-sentence and swallowed. He could no longer pretend that he didn’t see how he was hurting Shadow. He was only prolonging it. He glanced to the side, seeing the broken moon. Somehow, it seemed to be judging him.
“Just let me speak this time. Even if…” Shadow hung his head. He was not oblivious to how Sonic always interrupted his confessions, but whatever that indicated was inconsequential to him. Shadow felt he had to get this out, regardless of the answer. Even if it was bad- which Shadow suspected it would be, given Sonic’s avoidance of the topic- at least then he could begin to move on. “Just let me speak without your insistent chatter for once. As dense as you can be, I think you already know what I'm going to say.”
“So, then, there's no need to say it, right?” Sonic chuckled nervously, smile lines becoming evident for just a second.
Shadow’s heart twisted the same way it always did when he noticed the small signs of Sonic’s age. Shadow could see how time had passed: some of Sonic’s quills had lightened, he wore his chest fur more scraggly, there were dark circles under lively eyes, and far more scars than when they had first met. Even if they were still fairly young and in the beginning half of their long lives, anxiety still crept into Shadow, telling him that one day it would be too late to say it, and truly, he had no idea when that day was.
Shadow blew through his teeth. “No, I've let too many things go unsaid in my life.”
Sonic closed his mouth, and his eyes fell to Shadow's chest. It was easier than his eyes. He should let Shadow have this. Even if knowing what was to come was making Sonic feel sick with the way his face burned, and his stomach hurt. Shadow's hand slid down to meet Sonic's, and the other came up to Sonic's cheek.
Shadow wanted him to look at him. Sonic couldn't.
After a moment, Shadow gave up the notion, but kept his eyes on Sonic. Whatever qualms Sonic had, Shadow knew Sonic’s feelings toward him weren’t ill. So Shadow did not let Sonic’s obvious reservations deter him, even if his chest was tight, trying to restrain the words to stay within himself. “I want you to know that I love you.”
Sonic felt a squeeze in his chest. Knowing what was coming and knowing Shadow, Sonic should have known Shadow would be blunt, yet as he heard the words, he did not know what to do with such a direct confession. He was not sure if his heart had burst or broken, but it now ached. He needed to say something. But he froze. And that told Shadow enough.
“It's okay if you don't feel the same.” Shadow supplied, already resigned.
“No, I–” Sonic didn't know how to explain. He didn't know how to look Shadow in his eyes. So he didn't. He pulled Shadow into him. In cowardice, with the excuse of literally showing Shadow that he embraced him. “It's not that. I do love you. Just, not the same way…”
Shadow pulled away. “I don't want to hear that.” He said gruffly.
“But–”
“‘It's true.’ I know.” Sonic hated the edge in Shadow's voice, and he hated that he didn't know what to do with himself. “You don't need to explain yourself. I already figured this was probably how you felt. I hoped I was wrong, but…”
Sonic took back both of Shadow's hands. He saw how Shadow stiffened– how he was already beginning to block him out, not wanting to give himself false hope. “Shads, it's not that I don't– It's not you–” Sonic sighed, everything sounded wrong. “I can't love how you do. What you feel toward me… It’s not just that I can't return it to you, but I can’t feel it toward anyone else. Do you understand?”
Sonic felt like he was crushing Shadow’s hands while emotions crashed through him. He could finally keep his eyes on Shadow’s, hoping– needing– Shadow to understand that he wasn’t expressing a lack of feelings.
It took a minute, as Shadow let the information settle in and take meaning. “Okay.” He nodded, realizing just what Sonic was expressing, and trying to accept Sonic’s words as much as he could in that moment. Then he looked up at Sonic and seemed to realize that Sonic was in as much pain as he was. “I won't bring it up again. I'll be okay.”
That wasn't what Sonic wanted to hear, enough so that he let out a small huff before speaking. “You don't need to push down your feelings until they die, Shads. I know you've kept them to yourself for so long–”
“–And now that I've let them out, they have nowhere to go.”
“Nowhere to go?” Sonic's voice neared being incredulous. “I'm right here.”
Shadow scoffed. “You just rejected me.”
“I didn't reject you.” Sonic insisted candidly, and that utterly confused Shadow.
Which meant it was time for Sonic to explain himself. He braced himself for his own kind of confession. One that he did not want to have now, or ever, but it was the truth that Shadow deserved.
Sonic did not expect his face to feel so warm as he spoke, “Shadow, it’s your turn to listen to me. The way I feel about you might not match your feelings, but you are very special to me. You are my friend, but that isn’t less than something romantic. Especially to me. You are unlike anyone else. The way I feel for you is unlike how I have felt for anyone else. When I look at you, or think of you, I feel respect, and trust, and love– fully and deeply– toward all of you.”
By Gaia, Sonic felt like he had just laid his heart in front of Shadow, vulnerable and exposed, yet hopeful it would be picked up and embraced.
“So, you want to stay friends?” Shadow asked. There was hesitance, and a hint of disappointment. Yet he still spoke the word with the same reverence as Sonic did. To be friends was not what Shadow had wanted, but if it meant a great deal to Sonic– if that was how Sonic loved– then Shadow could learn to understand it. He had known the hedgehog long enough to know he loved as fully as he lived. Even if it subverted his expectations, Shadow could not imagine ever feeling like something was missing in his and Sonic’s relationship.
As nervousness bubbled inside Sonic, he had the urge to fidget, but since his hands were between Shadow’s, he could only squeeze the other’s hands. He did not want to confuse Shadow again, but the truth was, he felt that ‘friend’ didn’t entirely fit.
This was not the first time the term had grown to be insufficient. These days, when asked about his relationship with Amy, the most apt description he had found was ‘long-term best friend.’ And of course, long ago, there had been a time when Sonic had realized that Tails no longer existed solely as a friend in his heart, but as a brother.
It had been a long while since Shadow had a proper descriptor. Not since ‘rival’ no longer described the entirety of what they had. It was adequate for the public who didn’t need to get into their personal business. And sure, if Sonic were to name off his friends, Shadow would easily be included in that list. But to plainly declare Shadow as one thing? Sonic did not have a word to describe a person whose very energy and soul had intertwined with his own. Or, he didn’t have permission to use the word that came to mind, at least.
“Yes. And no.” Sonic hated how he was struggling to just admit the depths of all this. It’s not like he didn’t know. He thought about it quite often, really. It was what his mind naturally drifted to when he ran and relaxed alike. “‘Friend’ doesn’t fit it right, not because it isn’t strong enough, but…”
Sonic leaned in to meet his forehead to Shadow’s, and adjusted their held hands to lace their fingers. He let his Chaos energy flow down his arms and smiled when Shadow let it enter. In return, the warmth of Shadow’s energy entered Sonic, and their energy weaved in such an intimate way. “You and I have something no one else has. I can feel our energies weave together, and I can feel your heart beat in sync with mine. We’re a pair. I want to embrace that, and have a label that reflects it.”
“You’ve thought about this before.” Shadow realized, pulling back to look in Sonic’s eyes. “Is there a term you’ve thought about?”
“Partner?” Sonic offered.
Of course, the word held specific implications, and if they used it, certain assumptions would follow. But Sonic couldn't mind. At the root of it, he and Shadow were woven together. Independent, yet two sides of one thing. Two equals navigating life, and that's how Sonic wanted to run through his, with Shadow by his side. He felt joy begin to spark at the idea of truly claiming what they had, making it into a word that could portray it to others, even if only in a rough translation.
“Partner.” Shadow repeated. The word filled the air between them and reverberated through them. Something committed. Something he wasn’t going to lose.
“Is that still what you want?” Sonic asked.
Shadow met Sonic’s eyes. “Sonic, there is no one else I would want to call my partner. What matters is that it is you, and that you…” He faltered over his next word.
“Love you?” Sonic smiled.
“Yes. I don’t mind if our feelings don’t match entirely because I know you feel your love as deeply as I do toward you. In your heart and soul– as deeply as a person can love. To receive that is all I could want. So, yes, it’s without question, I want to be your partner.”
“Then, you got me, Shadow.” Sonic pulled him into a hug. “And I'm not going anywhere, even when my antics are driving you up the wall, there’s no take-backs.”
“Tch. That makes you stuck with me as well.”
“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Shadow stiffened before pulling Sonic tighter. Feeling how Shadow grasped fistfuls of fur, Sonic decided he would not be the one to let go first, even if they stayed in each other's arms until morning. Sonic needed Shadow to know he was never going to run from this again, and that he embraced him fully.
Warmth spread from their chests. Their energies flowed between them without distinguishing their bodies, and found its home in the other’s heart.