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“Merlin! look these over for me, will you?”
It hadn’t been a question even though it sounded like one, because before he had a chance to answer, a large stack of papers fell into his lap. Merlin took a moment to look at the papers on top of him before sighing and looking up. His eyes found Arthur’s before shifting back to the sword he had been cleaning.
“I’m kind of in the middle of something, in case it escaped your notice somehow.” He said.
He didn’t usually sharpened Arthur’s sword in his chambers, instead he often tended to do it in the armoury along with cleaning Arthur’s armour and chainmail. It was easier to get it done with his magic when Arthur decided to pile chore after chore for him to do when he was by himself.
It was an strange day, he could practically feel it in the air. The morning had been quiet, and Arthur didn’t have any big duties to attend to yet. Arthur had been working on reports for the council while Merlin worked on Excalibur. They were having a calm moment, living in the silence shared between the two of them. It was definitely unusual for them, but it hadn’t felt awkward. More so a natural steadiness where they could feel comfortable.
So, of course Arthur had to ruin it by being a prat. It was the natural order of things. Really, Merlin shouldn’t have been surprised.
“It’s not like you do a good job cleaning it anyway.” Arthur waved with his hand, dismissing it.
Merlin scoffed but made sure to grab the papers correctly anyway so they wouldn’t fall to the floor. He left the sword by the chair he had been using and stood up, dropping the quite heavy stack of parchments on Arthur’s desk.
“Be careful!” Arthur exclaimed, “Those are actually important, you know.”
“If they matter so much then why aren’t you the one working on them?”
“I already did Merlin. I just want you to look them over, in case. Quit complaining.”
Merlin decided to ignore him, and sat down on Arthur’s chair by the desk and grabbed the first piece of parchment. It was a boring one. It talked about grain and the harvests reports. He could recognise Sir Leon’s handwriting.
He heard the sounds of Arthur taking off his boots just in time to see him leaping onto the bed and laying down in the middle of it.
“What on earth are you doing? I just made that!” Merlin loudly complained, setting aside the first couple of papers and taking in hand the next.
“You can do it again later then.” Arthur covered his face with one arm, “I deserve a nap.”
“Lazy prat.” Merlin muttered.
“I heard that.”
Silence took over the room once again, the only exception the occasional sound the papers made when Merlin was done reading them, or the scratch of the quill as he wrote down his corrections.
Arthur laid with his eyes closed, and Merlin worked meticulously. To be honest with himself, reading over Arthur’s drafts was probably one of his favourite tasks to be given. Of course, it was quite easy to choose practically anything else above mucking up the stables or cleaning and scrubbing. He’d never tell Arthur though, he wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.
Everything was going well again then, the early quietness and soft familiar energy in the room was almost tangible, even if the activities they were doing had changed.
He should’ve known better, truly. Merlin would swear he was not being dramatic, but he felt the world literally stopping.
He froze, one hand holding tight onto the parchment and the other squeezing the quill so hard he almost broke it. He couldn’t move, not even while ink was dripping from the quill onto the desk and making a mess of things. He couldn’t move save from his eyes that kept reading the sentences on the paper over and over because they didn’t make any sense.
It just couldn’t be.
He kept reading, paper after paper from the stack, and it became harder with each new page because his hands were now shaking and he couldn’t stop.
Because right there in front of him, held in his trembling hands, were the drafts to dismantle the ban on magic, restoring magic users their rights. Not only that, but there were drafts for new laws, fair ones where the punishment fit the crime. He was holding the future of Camelot in his hands and he couldn’t feel happy about it because – Merlin was freaking out.
Quite literally losing his mind.
He was too scared to feel joy because what did this mean?
Did Arthur know?
He must. There’s no other explanation. Why else would he make Merlin read it? Was it some sort of test? To see how he’d react? To see what he would say? How he was going to excuse himself and explain all the lies he’s been telling for years? What was Arthur expecting?
Or worse, was it a joke of some sort? Arthur wasn’t particularly funny so it made sense this would be his idea of a prank. Putting Merlin on the spot.
Gods. He needed to leave. He needed air and space to think. And freak out. And maybe even scream a little and curse Arthur a lot.
He flashed a quick glance at Arthur but the man was still laying on the bed with an arm over his face with his eyes closed.
Merlin did the only reasonable thing to do.
He left Arthur’s chambers, practically sprinting away. He didn’t bother to check if Arthur noticed or not, too busy practically running down the stairs. He was so in his head he didn’t notice the looks he got as he walked through the halls, not that he would’ve care if he did. At this point everyone knew not to question his antics anymore, for better or for worse.
It’s fine. He tried to convince himself. It’s probably nothing. It doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s Arthur, he’s an idiot! He never noticed before, why would he now?
He doesn’t know. He can’t.
Merlin bumped into someone as he turned left into one of the hallways, losing his balance. The only reason he didn’t fall was because of the arms that quickly caught him and helped him maintain his balance.
He gathered himself quickly and saw that it had been Lancelot the one he crashed into, luckily, and he blurted out: “He knows,” before Lancelot could get a word in.
(Probably to apologise for bumping into him, even if it hadn’t been his fault, or to ask if he was okay).
“He knows?” Lancelot repeated, confused.
Merlin looked at him, really looked at him, and said somberly, “Lance... he knows.”
Lancelot eyes widened in understanding, and he looked around them to make sure they were alone.
“You mean – Arthur, he... You told him?”
“Are you mad?! Of course I didn’t tell him! But he knows and – “
Lancelot covered his mouth with his hand suddenly and Merlin stopped mid-sentence, looking at the knight with questioning eyebrows.
Lancelot dropped his hand but gestured with his head to the side discretely just as two guards appeared and made their way past them, briefly acknowledging them with a nod. They returned it, albeit a bit awkwardly.
Merlin kept staring at them as they walked away, and waited until he couldn’t see them anymore before turning back to Lancelot.
“To Gaius’s?”
“To Gaius’s.”
Lancelot and Merlin practically raced to the physician’s tower, and were out breath by the time they made it inside. If it were any other time, Merlin would’ve made fun of him for it. (Lancelot wouldn’t have been able to tease back, because he was the knight between the two and he was supposed to be in shape and whatnot.)
Now wasn’t the time for jokes, unfortunately. Lance locked the door and turned to Merlin.
“What do you mean he knows?”
“I mean exactly that. Arthur knows and I don’t know what I’m going to do like maybe I should – “
“But what did he say? Are you sure you didn’t misunderstand him, somehow?”
“Rather hard to misunderstand draft after draft of new laws and the repealing of the ban on magic he oh so graciously dropped on my lap!” Merlin didn’t notice he voice raising as he spoke, “I’m not kidding Lance! That’s what happened. He’s – he’s legalising magic.”
“Princess is doing what now?”
Both Merlin and Lancelot's heads snapped to the side at the voice they heard and froze in place.
There, standing inside the room and looking at them with both eyebrows raised was Gwaine. To make matters worse, he wasn’t alone. Leon was sitting on Gaius' cot for patients, one arm cradled to his stomach and the other resting on Gwaine’s back, who was standing closely in front of him.
Simultaneously, Merlin and Lancelot looked at each other, then at the pair of knights in front of them, before looking at each other again. Lancelot sighed, while pinching his nose as he closed his eyes. Merlin groaned, letting his head dropped behind against the door.
“What are you doing here?” Lance finally asked, breaking the silence that had built.
“The younger knights got overly excited and wanted to show off,” Gwaine said before gesturing to Leon’s arm. “Sir Leon paid the price.”
“I’m fine.” Leon clarified. “It’s probably not even a sprain.”
“Wanted to be sure, just in case, but Gaius wasn’t here and neither were you,” Gwaine looked at Merlin, “so we thought we’d wait until either one of you showed up.”
“Now...” Gwaine drawled, “what was it you were talking about Arthur and some magic laws?”
Merlin ignored him, and instead walked to the table to grab some things before he went to attend Leon and his arm. Gwaine got out of the way and ended next to Lancelot, who had also made his way closer to them.
“Is age getting to you, my friend?” Lancelot joked, “are younger knights besting our first knight?”
Leon chuckled good naturally, before grimacing when Merlin moved his wrist.
“To be fair, he was fighting three at the same time.” Gwaine defended lightly.
“What were you doing?” Merlin asked him, while he bandaged Leon.
“Well watching, of course.” He smirked.
Merlin finished putting a sling on Leon, and went looking for some of the pain relief vials Gaius had at the ready. “You should be fine in two or three weeks, it’s only a light sprain. You can take half of this if the pain becomes too much, but only once a day.”
“Thank you, Merlin.”
“So.”
All eyes turned to Gwaine.
“Princess did what?”
Merlin bit his lip, knowing he couldn’t really lie his way out of this one. “Arthur is legalising magic. He handed me the drafts he has so far to check over and, honestly, it’s a lot.”
There. A half-truth that wouldn’t be questioned in front of Leon. Or so he hoped.
Merlin could feel Gwaine looking at him, trying to decipher if there was something more, knowing he couldn’t outright ask about it. Not yet.
Despite knowing Gwaine better than anyone – or rather, better than almost everyone – he still found ways to surprise him. Because Gwaine’s next question wasn’t directed at him, not even at Lancelot, and it hadn’t even been a question.
“You don’t look surprised.”
He was looking intensively at Leon, the question implicit in his statement.
Lance looked intrigued, turning his attention towards Leon. Merlin had to admit, he was curious as well.
“Why should I?” Leon was calm, so typically him, as he regarded them all from his sitting position. “I helped him write them.”
Merlin sucked in a breath, and took a step back without noticing. Lancelot was still, unmoving, but Merlin recognised the shock in the way his lips parted in a silent gasp.
Gwaine looked like he had been stricken, brows furrowing as he crossed his arms.
“You didn’t say anything.”
It wasn’t an accusation, but almost. As close as Gwaine could get when it came to it. Merlin knew his friend didn’t like to demand for things, even if they were things he wanted. He wouldn’t have demanded the truth from Leon, but he would’ve quietly wait and expect Leon to tell him.
“It’s not as if I could have. As you all know, it’s a very delicate matter, just as fragile as the laws themselves. No one could find out before everything was ready to be presented to the council, according to Arthur. Matters like this one, they can’t be talked about just anywhere.”
Leon was talking to all of them, but his eyes never left Gwaine. As if the explanation were only meant for him, despite having included them all.
“Arthur is serious about this then, right? He really wants to change Camelot so fundamentally?” Lancelot asked.
Leon nodded.
“Do you know why?” Merlin couldn’t help himself, he had to ask. His voice sounded unsure and he hated it, but at least he was surrounded by trustworthy friends. He wouldn’t be judged.
Leon seemed to be thinking over what to say, and Merlin was growing anxious and impatient. He couldn’t outright ask if Arthur knew he had magic, or rather how he found out.
“I can’t say for certain.” Leon looked at Merlin, “if he came with... new information... that might have had a hand in... shaping his mind, he did not say.”
Merlin knew he wasn’t an idiot, but even he felt confused by the situation. By the looks of it he wasn’t the only one.
“What are you saying?” Gwaine walked back to his place next to Leon slowly, and Merlin wanted to laugh because it was near impossible to be discreet when it was just the four of them.
Leon kept looking at Merlin, unsure and at loss of words, apparently, like he didn’t know how to say what he was thinking without getting in trouble.
It was Lancelot, finally, the one to piece the pieces together.
“You know!” He pointed at Leon, then turned to Merlin. “He knows!”
“You know?!” Gwaine jerked his head to look at Leon.
“He knows?!” Merlin exclaimed.
“I didn’t tell him! I swear!” Gwaine defended himself, looking at Merlin quickly before turning back to Leon.
“I wasn’t sure if you knew.” Leon said, looking back.
Gwaine scoffed, offended. “I’m the only one he told.”
Lancelot rolled his eyes, a bit annoyed.
Merlin sighed, massaging his temples. “How long have you known?”
“Is it really that surprising to you lot that I know?” Leon asked, looking at them like he couldn’t believe them. “It’s my job to know everything that happens in the castle and outside of it. I know all of my knights and what they’re capable of. I also know when the numbers don’t add up. The amount of enemies we’ve faced and how many of us were there, it shouldn’t have been possible to make it out the way we did so many times, with so little casualties.” He looked at Merlin pointedly, “There’s only so many times I can look the other way and pretend it was luck.”
Merlin scratched the back of his head, smiling sheepishly. Gwaine huffed a laugh, covering his mouth with his hand to hide it.
“I guess that’s fair.”
“I’m glad your help will finally be recognised soon enough.”
Merlin’s smile dropped a little, and he shook his head. “That’s not why I do it.”
“We know, Merls, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it.” Lancelot said. “You’ve done so much for all of us, more times than we know, knowing you. This is a good thing, my friend.”
“I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” Gwaine says to Leon quietly. “Who would’ve thought you were this good at keeping secrets eh?”
He spoke in a jokingly manner, but Merlin knew better. By the looks of it, so did Leon.
“I did tell you about my meetings with Arthur. You knew something was happening.”
“Maybe. But not this. This is big, like, this is huge. Not just for Merlin but everybody.”
“That is exactly the reason why I couldn’t talk about it. Something this big is fragile, and there is too much riding on this for me to screw it up because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut for some weeks.”
“What are you going to do?” Gwaine asked Merlin, ending his conversation with Leon, allowing Merlin and Lancelot to stop pretending to be somewhere else.
Merlin still didn’t quite know what was going on between Gwaine and Leon, he was sure not even they truly knew where their relationship stood, but he was confident that they would figure it out eventually. For now, he could pretend not to notice the way Gwaine always seemed to gravitate towards the older knight, or how Leon’s good hand was grabbing Gwaine’s waist, keeping him close to him.
“I have no fucking idea, to be honest.”
“You are going to have to face him at some point, mate.”
Merlin grimaced, knowing Gwaine was right.
“What did he say, anyway? When you saw the new laws.”
“Oh. Erm, well, you see. I kind of, I mean, he was... napping. And I read the drafts and sort of... ran away from his chambers?”
“Please tell me you’re kidding.”
“He’s probably still sleeping! I bet he didn’t even notice I left!’
...
Merlin had left and Arthur was losing his goddamn mind. Because he hadn't just left like that all of a sudden, Merlin had literally run out of the room without saying a single word.
So, Arthur was worried. And a bit angry, mostly confused. It didn’t make any sense for Merlin to behave in such a way.
Arthur knew that his manservant could be... erratic, sometimes, but never about serious matters.
He knew he was taking a risk, just dropping the information to Merlin without saying anything beforehand, but he didn’t know how to say it so it was easier to just let Merlin see for himself. He thought Merlin would start the conversation then, after he was done reading months of research and work into undoing the laws set by his father and the new ones he hoped would make Camelot even greater. Arthur never thought Merlin would react negatively. He knew it would be uncomfortable, and that maybe he’d have to explain his point of view before Merlin could share his final thoughts.
He never imagined Merlin would be so... disgusted by the idea of welcoming magic to the lands that he would ran away from him.
“Would you just stop your pacing? You’ll give me a headache.” Morgana told him sharply from where she sat in front of her mirror. Gwen was brushing her hair now, having finished with the cosmetics on Morgana’s face, which she had been applying twenty minutes ago when Arthur interrupted them by barging in.
He scowled at her, but listened by dropping and laying down on her bed and covering his face with his hands.
“It hadn’t been an invitation for you to make a mess of my bed! Gwen has already it made it, you know.” Morgana rolled her eyes, and Arthur assumed she was sending daggers his way with her eyes, but he couldn’t see her so it didn’t matter.
“I’m not making it again.” Gwen said, even though they all knew it was a lie.
“It just makes no sense.” He groaned. “Merlin’s good. Probably the kindest person I’ve ever met. He’s always helping people, even those who he doesn’t even know!” He continued, as if they had not spoken.
“Perhaps it could help if you actually told us what happened.” Gwen said. “...Your majesty.” She added, and Morgana giggled.
“Surely it’s something dumb. Say, did Merlin refuse to do your laundry? Or maybe he decided to spend the day with one of his friends instead of you?”
“You’re not funny.” Arthur sat up on the bed, looking at them now.
“A lot of people would disagree."
“A lot of people lie.”
Gwen cleared her throat, “Merlin?”
“Right! Uhm. Alright, so, this has to stay in this room, between the three of us. No one else can know. I’m not kidding.”
Morgana must have noticed just how serious he was being, because sue carefully stood up from her chair and walked to the doors. She looked outside and then closed them again, locking them this time.
“Done. Whenever you’re ready.”
She sat on the other side of her bed, near the headboard, and patted the place next to her for Gwen to sit on. Gwen looked unsure for a moment, before sighing and sitting too.
They ended sitting almost in a triangle, facing each other.
“I’m planning to lift the ban on magic.”
Morgana gasped, and Gwen instinctively grabbed her hand, but they didn’t interrupt.
“I showed Merlin the drafts I made, I wanted to hear his insight. Now I fear it was a bad idea. He – I thought he would be okay with it. You know, he’s –“
“Yes, we know. He’s incredibly selfless and kind and thoughtful and caring.” Morgana interrupted him, “You’ve said so already.”
“What makes you think it was a bad idea to tell Merlin?” Gwen, bless her soul, asked, allowing Arthur to ignore Morgana and her annoying contributions.
“Oh I don’t know! Maybe the fact that he ran away from my chambers as soon as he read the new laws!?” Arthur exclaimed loudly, he couldn’t help it. “He clearly thought it was a terrible idea, and that’s the worst part of this. Merlin doesn’t think I should bring magic back. He agrees with my father’s laws.” He sounded dejected now, his voice losing its volume and instead trailing off as a wave of sadness overwhelmed him.
Morgana and Gwen were exchanging looks he couldn’t understand. It unnerved him a little.
Maybe they too needed time to process it all.
“That can’t be right!” Gwen yelled, out of character of her, but Arthur could relate. He reacted the same way.
“Merlin would never agree with Uther.” Morgana agreed, “You must have misunderstood him or something. It’s Merlin we’re talking about!”
“See why it is so hard for me to grasp my head around it? I can’t believe Merlin would be okay with the killings and unfair treatment of magic users.”
“Are you sure you’re not just overreacting or misinterpreting, Arthur? Merlin’s not cruel, or violent.”
“A bit hard to misinterpret when he literally ran away because he couldn’t bare to see me and face these changes.” He argued.
“Just... think about it.” Gwen said.
And he did.
He thought about it, and about everything he knew about Merlin.
He thought about all of their experiences with magic.
He drew in a breath.” I can’t believe that I didn’t notice earlier.”
Morgana squeezed Gwen’s hand, and softly asked, “What do you think about it?”
“It’s fine. It’s not as if he could control it.”
“You really mean that?” Morgana’s eyes were glistening and Arthur couldn’t for the life of him understand why she was this affected by his words. Was it truly so surprising that he could be understanding, even nice about it? Of course he often gave Merlin grief, but that was the way it worked between them. Merlin certainly annoyed him more. And was meaner, he never hold back when making fun of Arthur.
Maybe his thing with Merlin was harder to understand from an outside perspective. Selfishly, the thought made him feel warm. He liked that his thing with Merlin was something only the two of them could understand, something just theirs.
“Well... I know I tease him about it, but it’s not his fault he’s scared. There’s no shame in it.” He began, “Actually, now that I’m thinking about it I can’t believe I didn’t consider it sooner. With everything we’ve been through, it only makes sense that Merlin would be scared of sorcery.”
Morgana’s mouth dropped open and Gwen just kept blinking at him slowly.
“What?”
“It’s so obvious now! We’ve only ever had dangerous encounters with sorcerers, we’ve been attacked with magic far too many times. I just have to show Merlin he has nothing to be scared of!” He got up from the bed in a hurry, and left the room in quick strides before the girls could say anything else. Maybe it was rude, but he could always thank them later for listening. Mostly Gwen. She actually tried to help him, unlike Morgana who just kept on mocking him.
For the record, he absolutely did not sound like that when he talked about Merlin, Morgana was exaggerating because she enjoyed making his life miserable.
...
Merlin took the long way to Arthur’s chambers. Judge him all you wanted, but he needed a moment to just think about. His conversation with the knights had helped to calm down a bit, the reassurance eased his nerves. That didn’t mean that facing Arthur would be easy. It wasn’t about the magic itself anymore, clearly Arthur had worked that part himself and was ready to use his position as King to make a difference. Magic was going to be legal again, so he’d be free. His magic wasn’t is problem anymore.
And that was the tricky thing. If magic wasn’t the problem, the thing getting in between them, that barrier that stopped them from being themselves completely then... what was?
Magic not being the thing to blame forced them into facing the real answer, the fragile delicate and complex truth.
Their feelings.
The trust and the loyalty.
The lies and the excuses.
Arthur knowing meant that he finally knew him and that was the scariest part. Now that Arthur knew him completely, what would he think of him? He didn’t even know everything Merlin’s done or been through.
What if he didn’t like Merlin now that he knew? What if he couldn’t look past all the lies and the trust he had once honoured Merlin with was gone? What if he couldn’t get it back? What if this meant losing Arthur?
He stopped just outside of the doors, taking a second to prepare himself before opening them and closing them behind him.
Arthur was pacing back and forth between the table and his bed, and stopped abruptly when he saw Merlin.
“Arthur I can explain – “
Arthur held up his hand, silencing him. “There’s no need.” He cleared his throat. “It was my fault, I shouldn’t have just dropped that on you with no explanations. I thought it would be easier than to talk about it... I see the mistake. I’m. Sorry.”
“You- you’re apologising? To me?”
“I will not repeat myself. Actually, forget I said anything.
Merlin grinned. “Oh, whatever you say, my lord.”
Arthur smiled at him, softly, and he didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t that scared anymore all of the sudden. The normalcy of their banter helped settling him in, and it did wonders to remind him that King or not, the man in front of him was still Arthur.
“I actually got something for you.” He said, and Merlin was ready to sass him, assuming he was going to be given chores or something, but the man in front of him was fiddling with his fingers, and looking everywhere but at him. Arthur was nervous.
Merlin looked at him, raising an eyebrow when Arthur made no indication that he was going to move to get whatever he was planning to give him.
“Right. Uh, here.”
It was kind of fun, to see Arthur struggling to be smooth. He had no idea why he was the nervous one, but he’d take it honestly.
Arthur went to the table and picked up a book that Merlin had failed to notice before. He handed it to Merlin but didn’t move away, staying close to him. Probably to see his reaction. That had to be it.
Merlin examined the book in his hands, but the cover betrayed nothing. He couldn’t tell what it was about. He opened it and was lucky to not have dropped it with his shock. He couldn’t believe his eyes, he kept turning page after page in disbelief.
“You got me a magic book.” His voice was strained, but he was getting too emotional to be embarrassed. He had hoped, but he never imagined Arthur would be this accepting of his magic to encourage it.
“I – No. Don’t cry!” Arthur’s hands mover frantically, hovering around Merlin like he couldn’t allow himself to actually touch. “I thought this would help! I never meant for it to upset you.”
“No, no. I’m not upset!” He denied with his head. “You took me by surprise, that’s all. I – thank you. It means a lot. I mean it.”
Arthur sighed, visibly relaxing. “Oh, great.”
“Where did you even get this?”
“During my research. I wanted to lift the ban but I had to be carefully. There’s not a lot left, but Geoffrey happened to find this one book that coincidentally explains quite a lot about magic and it’s origin, or some version of it. Anyway. It’s pure luck that it was found now, and didn’t get turned to ashes.” He smirked.
“Do you think he has more?”
“I learnt to never assume when it comes to Geoffrey. Maybe when the new laws are official, we’ll recover more. Hopefully.”
“You didn’t burn those books, Arthur.”
“I know that. My father did. It’s my job now to make it right.”
“I’d say you’re in the right path.” He said, nodding to the scrolls in Arthur’s desk with the new laws, and then to the book in his hand. A small laugh escaped him.
“What is it?”
“Nothing.” He shrugged, “I just wasn’t ready, I guess. I know we’re friends, but it was still scary, you know. I kept it hidden for so long,” Arthur tried his best to not let his thoughts show on his face. How long had Merlin been scared of magic? How did he not notice it sooner? Was his own fear too great that it prevented him to see it on Merlin? “Since I was born I was taught to hide it, for my own good, I know that. It doesn’t make it any less heavy to carry, though.”
Arthur felt confused, but he didn’t want to interrupt Merlin. As much as he complained about Merlin never shutting up, his servant very rarely ever talked about the serious and personal stuff. Still, even if he hadn’t been born in Camelot, Merlin’s village was close enough that it would make sense that he’d fear magic. Maybe he had had experienced bad sorcerers before Camelot. The secret part was still confusing, almost everyone feared it. He didn’t understand why he would need to hide it. Perhaps to avoid being made fun of.
“So, you being so nice about this, it means more than you know. Honestly, I expected a lot more of yelling, maybe some things being thrown around. Don’t look at me like that! You’ve thrown me stuff for less! I’m actually trying to be nice to you, you clotpole. Anyway, as I was saying, thank you. You’re being very mature, and if you ever want me to explain, I’d be happy to. There’s so much you don’t know yet, but it’ll all make sense now that you know I have magic.”
The universe halted, or maybe Arthur’s did. He couldn’t think about what he was seeing or hearing because -
Now that you know I have magic.
Now that you know I have magic .
Merlin had magic.
Arthur hadn’t known that.
Merlin. His manservant. His friend. His Merlin. His.
Merlin had magic. It couldn’t be. He must’ve misheard. It had to be a prank. Merlin was jesting. There was no way Merlin had magic.
Because if Merlin had magic Arthur would’ve known.
There was no one he knew better than Merlin. There was no one he’d cared to know more. For as long as he’s known him, Merlin has been his greatest interest. He loved listening to what Merlin thought, his opinion was important to him. He loved to see Merlin being irritated by nobles and rules, and watching as he made fun of people that deserved it. He loved the way Merlin interacted with his friends, the way he wanted to protect the knights as much as they wanted to protect him. He loved how smart he was, and how skilled he had become under Gaius’ guide. He loved Merlin’s home, the place where he grew up, and how he was with his mother. He loved the way Merlin laughed, and how he could find the comedy in any given situation. He loved his strength, and how fearless he could be, following him to every and any quest, even when he shouldn’t.
He loved Merlin.
He knew him.
He knew that Merlin woke up early in the morning, because it was his job, but that he loved to sleep. He knew that Merlin’s skin was always warm, even when it was cold. He knew that Merlin preferred to spend his time by the lake, that he liked soft things like flowers and butterflies. He knew that Merlin was incredibly smart, even if he called him an idiot most times. He knew that Merlin was paranoid, and that he didn’t like when new people would show up but still, somehow, he always found a way to be amazing to them. He was good with people. He knew that he cared a lot, that his heart was bigger than most, and that he would always try his best if anyone needed help. He knew that Merlin was great with animals, even the most stubborn of the horses from the stables went docile with Merlin near.
Point being, he knew Merlin. He couldn’t have magic because Arthur would’ve known if he did. He would’ve known.
Except, Merlin had magic.
Now that you know I have magic .
“I didn’t know you had magic.” He managed to let out.
“What?” He asked, aghast.
“I didn’t know you had magic.”
“What do you mean you didn’t know!?”
Merlin’s voice was raising in volume, so of course Arthur had to match it.
“I mean I. Didn’t . know. You had magic! You have magic?! I- “ Arthur covered his mouth with one hand, running the other down his hair. “I need a minute.”
“I need two.”
Merlin collapsed in the chair he had been using earlier that day when polishing Arthur’s sword, with his fingers pressing his temples and closing his eyes.
Arthur stood with his hands resting on the table, head down as he concentrated on breathing so as not to lose his sanity.
They let the silence linger.
After a while, Arthur grabbed a chair from the table and carried it to place it next to Merlin's chair. He had thought a lot about what he would say, but they conversation they were about to have was not going to be an easy one, and now he was the one a little afraid. He didn’t want to mess it up.
He felt hurt, because Merlin had magic and he hadn’t known, but he didn’t blame Merlin. He blamed himself. He couldn’t make his friend trust him enough to tell him, he didn’t pay enough attention to notice by himself. He thought he knew Merlin but did he? Not entirely, and he knew it was his own fault.
“I didn’t know.” He started,
“Believe it or not, I gathered that part out by myself.” Merlin said dryly. “I shouldn’t have assumed. It’s just that when you handed me the scrolls, I thought it was your way of saying you figured it out somehow, without you know, saying it.”
“I thought you ran away after reading the new laws because you agreed with Uther’s views about magic. And after talking with Morgana and Gwen, I thought you maybe you just were scared because of our past experiences with sorcerers.”
“There’s so much in what you just said that I should find offense with but for both of our sakes I will let it be for now.” Merlin said in a rush, raising one single finger to make his point clear. “Is that why you gave me a magic book? To make me be less scared?”
“Yeah. It helped me. When I first began thinking about these changes I wanted to make, I wasn’t so convinced. It- It did scare me. I was raised to fear magic, and as I got older I only got more reasons to. The book explains some basics about magic, enough for me to understand that it doesn’t necessarily turn people evil or mad. That it can be used for good, too. To protect. I thought it could help you too.” He smiled sardonically, “Clearly it wasn’t needed.”
“I wasn’t sure if you knew, when I came back here. But then you gave me the book and I took it as a confirmation of sorts.”
“Didn’t you think that if I had discovered your magic I would have just asked you about it?”
“You hate talking about things! And you just dropped those on me like nothing! What was I supposed to think?” Merlin yelled defensively.
“It’s not the first time I make you help me! This time I even had Sir Leon looking over those and I didn’t think he had magic! Wait- he doesn’t also – “
“No,of course not." Merlin huffed, rolling his eyes. “And how was I supposed to know? You said nothing!”
Arthur bit his lip. “If I had known... I would have lift the ban as soon as I found out, probably.”
“Maybe is for the best you found out like this then,” he joked, ”a rushed law would be good for no one.”
“True. Still. I would have, for you.” Arthur stood from his place and stood in front of him, forcing Merlin to look his way. They had been staring at the fireplace for too long. Slowly, Arthur sank to his knees.
“What are you doing?” Merlin whispered, trying to make Arthur stand up. Instead, he just took his hands in his and stayed kneeling.
“I said I wouldn’t say it again but I’m sorry. I’m sorry you could not tell me, and I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from being scared and alone with this, I’m sorry it had to be a secret to begin with. I don’t want you to carry the weight alone Merlin. I want all the stories you can tell, all the things I’ve missed.. I want to be there, with you. I want a Camelot where you are free to be yourself because I don’t ever want you to change. I want you to always be you. “
He took a breath, looking down because staring at Merlin’s eyes for this next part was too overwhelming, and he was laying everything he had to offer, exposing himself like never before, but it was only fair. If he got to know Merlin fully, then he owed Merlin the same honour. “I love you.”
He felt Merlin’s hands grabbing his hair, and a moment later the soft press of lips against his forehead. A wave of warmth travelled all over him, and he had to focus on keeping his eyes closed because he didn’t think he could handle looking at Merlin yet.
“You’re such a clotpole.”
“Merlin, are you crying?”
“You cannot say anything, you couldn’t even look me in the eyes while you talked.”
Arthur hummed, a smile breaking free without his notice.
“You said your piece, so I’m saying mine.” Merlin dropped his forehead to pressed against Arthur’s, “I do trust you. More than anyone.” Arthur gasped, but truly, it shouldn’t surprise him that Merlin could tell where his biggest doubts and insecurities laid, and that he’d find a way to soothe them.
“Me not telling you about my magic had nothing to do with it. At first, I just never wanted to put you in that position. Having to choose, your father or me. The laws or me. Camelot or me. It was absurd. I don’t like that. Then it just, it became bigger than me. The lies and the excuses and the secrets, I didn’t know where to begin. I didn’t want you to doubt our friendship. Because it is real. It’s so real it scares me to my bones. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, Arthur. And I’ll tell you about it, with time, if you really want to. But you have to know,”
He grabbed Arthur’s jaw with one hand, tilting his face up. “Look at me.” He murmured, because they were so close, he didn’t need to say it louder. Arthur looked up at him, blue eyes with a few tears falling down his cheeks. “I love you.”
When their lips met, Merlin fell to his knees to join Arthur. One of his hands moved to grabbed the back of his king’s head, while the other tried to wipe his tears. Arthur’s hands were holding tightly to Merlin’s back and waist, needing the closeness.
They were gasping into each other’s mouths, not breaking apart because it felt like it would break them. Most things they had told each other with their words just now, but the rest of the unsaid things, the years of memories and friendship and silent looks and stolen touches, all of the small moments that paved the way to who they had become, those things they were sharing between them with their lips. Every kiss, every touch, every tear was a manifestation of their love and of their trust.
Finally, they knew each other completely.
They were in love with what they discovered.