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Lily Evans gave a long-suffering sigh before stopping the familiar path she and James took every Sunday evening for Rounds and turned to the boy who’d stopped alongside her. “Tell me…tell me again what you did?” she asked slowly.
James winced. The tone she was using sounded like the one she often employed when tutoring younger students, and he knew right away he’d fucked up somehow.
Well, actually, he’d already known that. But he was here, talking about this whole situation now, because he still wasn’t sure how.
“I…kissed Regulus?” he repeated, tone more questioning and less confident than the first time he’d said it, because it seemed that this was part of the problem. But he’d just done what was asked of him!
Lily again sighed, softly slapping a hand to her own face. “Potter, for an admittedly-bright person, you can be so, so stupid.”
He grinned, distracted for a moment by the obvious compliment. “You think I’m smart?”
She shot him a glare that caused the smile to slide off his face. Okay, maybe it wasn’t a compliment. “Not the point, James. You kissed Regulus?”
“Well, yeah. I…” he paused in thought, “I shouldn’t have?” But he had been told to!
Lily looked like she wanted to punch him. “Let’s go over this again. You were playing truth or dare, yes?”
“Yes,” he nodded, eyes wide. They had been at a Slytherin party and one of the sixth years had suggested the game.
“And Amanda, your girlfriend, dared you to kiss the most beautiful person in the room?”
He nodded again, a bit pleased she’d followed along so well. “Yeah.” She’d pointed to him, given him a little smile, and given him the dare. Admittedly, it was kind of boring. There were so many better, more exciting options, especially considering he was known for never backing down on dares.
But Lily didn’t seem to care about this. “And you weren’t…given Veritaserum, or Confounded, or, I dunno, forced to kiss Regulus in any way?” she asked, voice going all high-pitched and wonky.
“No! No, I just…kissed the most beautiful person in the room, like she said! Why’s that so–?” he flung his hands in the air, getting a little frustrated. All of this seemed so stupid and ridiculous. Regulus Black was, hands down, the most beautiful person in the room that night, so of course he;d kissed him! Actually, in his opinion, he was the most beautiful person in any room, but–
“Because she expected you to kiss her, you muppet!” Lily said loudly, grabbing his shoulders and shaking them roughly. “You’re–well you were–dating her! God, Potter, you’re supposed to think she’s the most beautiful person in the universe!"
“Oh,” he contemplated that for a bit, looking out a nearby window and crossing his arms. “Oh, well, that’s…fair, I guess.” He tried to think back on the time when he’d been in love with, and for a brief time, dated Lily. It was true, he’d definitely thought she was the most beautiful person in the world, but…he’d just been both in love and lucky, right?
Plus, logically, not everyone could date the most beautiful person in the room! It didn’t change the fact that he found Amanda attractive. And really, plenty of people were beautiful that he didn’t want to date. Frank Longbottom, for example, was a lovely example of pristine male form. David Bowie! Everyone found Bowie attractive, Sirius and Remus said so! And who didn’t get a little stomach flutter when they saw Professor Lindo, their tall, dark-haired, muscular Defense professor that all the girls giggled over! “But it has nothing to do with dating!” he whined, crossing his arms.
As he turned back to Lily, he had a feeling that she was trying very hard not to curse him. Her lips twitched, her hands curled into fists, her eyes blinked rapidly, and her freckled face was red with emotion. “Potter, how does it have nothing to do with dating?” she asked desperately, her voice so brittle it nearly trailed off.
“Because!” he exclaimed, almost happy to finally get to the bottom of this, to have his voice heard, even though the whole thing was illogical. “Because I like girls!”
He wasn’t sure what he expected. Maybe for Lily to listen to him. To apologize, or to give him advice about how to get Amanda to see reason. In the very least, he expected her to laugh and agree that this was a bit silly; that yes, he did like girls, so perhaps everyone but James had been dosed with some sort of Essence of Insanity.
But instead, her face twisted into a strange picture of pity, and she gave him a long, hard look. “Oh, Potter,” she said, sighing again. “Well…” He’d never seen her think through her words so much. It was rather disconcerting, watching the way her green eyes narrowed and glazed over as she contemplated his words like a particularly difficult exam question. His heart gave a nervous jolt. Was there something he was missing? “It’s true that you can find people beautiful even if you’re not attracted to them,” she said slowly, “And I believe you, of course, I’m not going to tell you that you don’t like girls, that’s not my business. But I have to wonder…how did it feel? When you kissed Regulus?”
It was her tone that actually made him stop and ponder the question.
His mind drifted back to the previous night. He remembered the buzz of the room, the circle of people, the haze of alcohol, the way everything was tinted green, the way his eyes had kept drifting to ice-gray eyes and black, curly hair.
They seemed to do that a lot, lately.
It was just…he and Regulus had Rounds together sometimes. And it’d started awful. Full of hissed insults on Regulus’s part and failed attempts at jokes on James’s. He’d never liked not being liked, but for some reason, this had been different. Getting Regulus to like him, to smile at him had turned into his life’s goal; an irrefutable, unending itch under his skin.
He’d driven his friends mad talking about it. Sirius had banned all conversation of Regulus from the dorm room, complaining that now he and Regulus had patched things up, he saw enough of his brother outside of Gryffindor, he didn’t need to hear about him within their sanctuary, too.
But James had prevailed, focused on his task.
And when he’d finally succeeded in seeing a genuine smile on those pale pink lips? Oh, James had wanted to sing.
But they were just friends–barely that! Their…whatever it was, was tenuous. James spent just as much time trying to figure Regulus out as he did admiring him, and even when Regulus deigned to meet with James outside of Rounds–usually in the dead of night, and only when he was feeling particularly generous–James always left wondering if he’d said something wrong, because Regulus always seemed to be holding back.
So sure, James thought about the other boy a lot, but that was just because he was damn confusing! That was why he’d stared at him so much last night, not because…
Well, also that. He was, admittedly, stunning. And yes, he had looked particularly lovely last night, with the first few buttons of his white uniform shirt undone, his tie loosened, his sleeves rolled up to reveal the porcelain skin of his muscled forearms, his eyes sparkling with mirth has he’d joked with the other people in the room.
And after the dare had been spoken aloud, when James had stumbled over to him, those eyes had been hypnotizing. Bright and unsure, but piercing, all the same. Daring him to come closer, screaming at him to think about what he was doing.
His lips…they’d been otherworldly. Even though he’d had a fair few butterbeers, he could clearly remember the way Regulus had gasped into his mouth, the way his lips had started moving hungrily against his own. They way he’d felt, not just heard, a small little moan escape from Regulus’s throat. And the taste of him…Merlin, he’d tasted so sweet; James had immediately wanted more, so addicted to that taste.
But it was Regulus’s hands that had done it. The hands that had moved to cradle the back of his neck and tangle in his hair, pulling just so, easing him closer, causing goosebumps and lightning bolts to erupt over his skin.
It had been magic.
“It felt…” James muttered nervously, unable to find the words for it. But he could feel his face heating, the panic showing on his body as heart began to race and sweat began to form on his hairline. Fuck.
“James?” Lily asked softly, taking a step toward him.
He thought back to all the times he’d been alone with Regulus. The times he’d felt this intense, insane urge to reach out and touch the other boy. He’d always written it off as a rather protective thing…Regulus was Sirius’s brother, after all, so it was natural James would want to keep him safe, but…then there was the fact that he found him so…compelling. He’d never seen anyone more gorgeous, if he was honest. Again, he’d written it off–he could appreciate beauty, no matter what gender. But maybe…
He remembered the shivers that’d ricocheted down his spine during that kiss. He’d never felt anything like it.
“Lils,” he said softly, looking into green eyes. “I…might also like boys.”
Lily laughed, relief flashing on her face. “Well, Potter,” she said, clapping him on the back. “That makes one of us.”
—
Twelve hours later, he found himself running full-force toward the library, where the Map had told him Regulus Black was currently studying. Twelve hours, and not sooner, because he’d decided he should probably have an important talk with Amanda about some realizations he’d just had.
For someone who, he realized now, he’d embarrassed rather brilliantly in front of a large group of people, she had been rather okay about it. Just a lot of crossed arms and cool nodding before she’d said flatly, “Shockingly, James, I’m not surprised. I think you’re the most surprised out of all of us, actually.”
That had required some more sheepish apologies. Of course, he was more than okay with his new identity. He’d been raised by a very accepting family, plus two of his best mates regularly acted gay as hell in his very dorm room, but it had been different to actually realize he was…whatever he was.
But now that he was getting used to the idea…well, it was rather freeing. So many of his feelings for Regulus that he hadn’t quite understood before made a lot more sense, now, and that was more of a relief than anything else.
Of course, he’d had to check in with Sirius. Again, he had been pleasantly surprised by how well his best friend had taken it. He had a feeling Lily had gotten to him first, because Sirius had merely muttered a few begruging things about ‘acceptance’ and ‘Regulus and James being good for each other’ and ‘no snogging in front of me or I’ll hex you.’ But after a simple clap on the back and a ‘good luck with that one, mate’ James’s conscience was free enough to send him on his way.
And by that point, he was so nervous, so worked up, so excited about the possibility of dating someone like Regulus, that he was fit to burst; all of his panic and anxiety turning into pure energy.
So as soon as he found Regulus, he spoke without thinking, so keyed up that he forgot that he was in a library with rules. “Regulus!” he said loudly, causing the younger boy to look up from the table he was sitting at, scandalized. “I fancy boys!”
The horrified look that crossed the Slytherin’s face made James come crashing back to Earth. That, and the multiple titters and giggles that began to sound amongst the shelves.
“Erm,” he muttered awkwardly, feeling a bit stupid standing there, not quite knowing what to do with his hands, “I mean…”
“Potter, you idiot!” Regulus hissed, though James swore he could see something like fondness on his face. He jerked his hand furiously to the table. “Just–get over here!”
Obediently, a huge grin finding its way back to his face, James walked forward and sat, gazing happily at the boy he fancied. “Hi, love,” he said, thrilled, unable to stop grinning even as he worried about the other boy’s reaction.
Regulus turned bright pink. “Potter, we are in public! You can’t just—that was so–and you don’t even know if I like you back!” he stuttered, eyes flashing.
James froze, considering this, but he relaxed after only a moment. “You do,” he said confidently, “You kissed me back. You do, don’t you?” He was pretty sure about this one. Regulus had been very enthusiastic. Sure, he might’ve had some alcohol, too, and he was normally horribly difficult to read, but the way he’d moaned, the way his hands had grabbed James’s hair…there was no hiding that.
As if disappointed in himself, Regulus sighed, putting his face in his hands. “Oh, Salazar,” he murmured. “Merlin and Morgana help me, I do.” He looked up threateningly. “But that doesn’t mean you can–”
James was too busy pumping a fist in celebration, his chest filling with fierce joy. Regulus liked him. Gods, he wasn’t sure how that had happened, but he would absolutely take that miracle with grace. “Does this mean you’ll go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?” he asked excitedly.
Regulus thumped his head on the table, like the question displeased him, but his answer was a whispered, “Fuck me. Yes.”
“Yes!” He pressed a kiss to Regulus’s head and began to dance out of the library in celebration, ignoring every look he got. This was, surely, the best day of his life.
Wait.
What had Lily said about liking boys?