Work Text:
There are a few things Buck knows the moment he opens his eyes.
One, the sun is shining too brightly directly on his face.
Two, his neighbour must think that drilling something in her yard at six in the morning is acceptable.
Three, when he checks his phone he sees that it's 14th of April and there are still no texts from Tommy.
It hurts but who's Buck to complain? He's the one who created this mess in the first place and sure, maybe it was Tommy who broke up with him without giving him a logical explanation, but a few weeks ago it was Buck who implied that just because he slept with him, it doesn't mean that he still has feelings for him.
Of course Tommy doesn’t want anything to do with him after that, Buck can't even blame him. When he thinks about that hurt look he saw on Tommy's face the moment those damned words left his mouth, he's somewhat surprised that silent treatment is the only thing he gets from Tommy every time he texts him, hoping that Tommy will give him a chance to apologise to him in person and not only in text messages.
Buck tries not to dwell too much on the fact that he ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him for good and forces himself to get up and get ready because he's not really in the mood to relieve a lecture about being late all the time to work. It's not his fault that sometimes time passes a lot quicker than he can realise.
He can't explain why but the whole time as he gets ready, eats breakfast while reading some of the messages he missed out in the 118 group chat and drives to work, he has that dreadful feeling in his chest, an unsettling weight on his heart that he doesn’t know how to get rid of.
In the end, when he stops his Jeep in front of the station, he decides that the best he can do is just ignore it until it goes away.
It probably doesn’t even mean anything.
“Damn, Buckaroo, don’t look so cheerful at eight in the morning.” Chimney teases with a small frown on his face the moment Buck walks up in the loft, drawing his team’s attention to himself.
“What do you mean?” He chuckles awkwardly and moves towards the kitchen, busying himself with making the second cup of coffee of the morning just so he can have an excuse for ignoring the others’ curious gaze on him.
Chimney opens his mouth, closes it again and looks over at Hen and Ravi for help. Hen simply shrugs and doesn’t say anything, meanwhile Ravi on the other hand cocks his head to the side slightly and, without sugarcoating, he says, “You kind of look like someone died.”
“I don’t– I do not look like someone died!” Buck huffs out offendedly and turns to Bobby with an expression on his face that’s close to desperation. “Come on, Bobby, back me up here.”
“Alright, guys, leave him alone.” Bobby calls out and Buck might have imagined it but he can swear that he heard a hint of fondness in his Captain’s voice.
“Thanks, Cap.” Buck tells him with a small smile and throws himself onto one of the kitchen stools, staring down at coffee in the cup like it’s holding all the answers to the universe.
“No need to thank me, kid, although I can’t really lie and say I’m not concerned about you.” Buck doesn’t have to look up to know that Bobby’s unwavering gaze is on him, he can feel it.
“You don’t need to be.” Buck shrugs and finally raises his head to look Bobby in the eye. “I’m fine.”
“Now, you might not look like someone died but you don’t particularly look fine either, Buck.” Bobby speaks up after a few moments of silence and sits down next to Buck, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You should talk to him.”
Buck lets out a defeated sigh and doesn’t even bother with pretending he doesn’t know who Bobby is talking about. “I’m trying but he’s not answering his phone, Cap.”
“Do you really need him to answer his phone, Buck? You know where he lives.”
“I’ve already screwed everything up once, Bobby, I don’t know if I’ll be able to live with myself if I do it again.”
The warm smile he gets from Bobby in return is almost enough for him to start crying. “You won’t, not if you start the conversation by telling him that you love him.”
“I– I’ve never…” Buck lets out a deep breath and glances at Bobby with a defeated look. “I’ve never told him that I love him, Bobby. Why have I not told him?”
“You will tell him, Buck, you still have time.”
And the second Bobby finishes the sentence, the alarm starts blaring in the firehouse.
The whole way to the scene, they waited for dispatch to give them more information about the situation but as it turns out, the call was dropped before the caller could really say anything. They were lucky enough that dispatch managed to get their location through the cell tower before the call disconnected.
“What should we expect?” Ravi asks as they make their way up on the hiking trail. “A hiking accident?”
Bobby shakes his head. “No, dispatch said that it was a crash.”
“Well, their trail is too narrow for a car to get through so maybe a bike crash?” Chimney suggests, shrugging. “Of course, unless something fell from the sky.”
Buck tries not to pay attention to how he instantly feels like someone has dumped ice cold water on him the moment those words leave Chimney’s mouth. The feeling is so overwhelming that he doesn’t even realise that he has fallen behind until he notices that his team is now standing frozen, staring at something through trees before Bobby finally snaps back to reality.
“Buck, listen.” Bobby lowers his face as he walks up to Buck and the look on his face, as well as his tone, is enough for that unsettling weight in Buck’s chest to grow heavier. “Maybe you should sit this one out.”
“What? Why?”
Bobby doesn’t need to answer, not when Buck looks over his shoulder and it instantly becomes clear to him why his Captain wouldn’t want him anywhere near this scene, especially not when something that crashed was a helicopter that is currently upside down, slowly going ablaze.
“It’s Tommy, isn’t it?” Buck chokes out and without wasting another moment, he pushes Bobby out of his way and sprints towards the crash.
He completely ignores the sound of his teammates calling out his name and immediately tries to find Tommy which doesn’t take him long but somewhere deep down, he wishes that it had. It takes every bit of self control he has not to double over and throw up at the sight of Tommy laying by one of the trees, a thick metal rod sticking out of his chest. Buck barely recognises the sound that breaks out of his own throat.
“Tommy– oh my God, no, no, no, Tommy!” Buck sobs out and falls on his knees beside Tommy, gently cupping his face as blood starts trickling down the corner of his mouth.
Somehow, with whatever strength Tommy must still have, he forces himself to slowly open his eyes and looks up at Buck with a hint of wonder and awe.
“Evan?” His voice is barely audible, so weak that it shatters Buck’s heart into a million pieces in his chest.
“I’m here, I’m here.” Buck offers him a wavering smile and can only hope that it brings Tommy at least a little bit of comfort. He grabs his ex-boyfriend’s trembling hand and brings it up to his lips, pressing a small kiss against bloodied knuckles. “I’m right here, Tommy. We’re going to get you to the hospital soon, alright?”
“There– there’s no time.” Tommy whispers before turning his head to the side and coughing out blood. He squeezes Buck’s hand when he looks at him again. “It’s okay, Evan. Please don’t– please don’t blame yourself, okay?”
“No, Tommy, don’t talk like that. You’re going to be okay.” Buck cries and tries to get Tommy’s attention when the man starts staring up at the sky over Buck’s shoulder. “No, look at me! Look at me, Tommy. You’re going to be okay, you’re not– you’re not going to die here, you hear me?”
“You made me so— so happy, Evan.” Tommy says quietly and his eyes slowly start to flutter shut but for a moment he manages to fight it for. “You made me feel more alive than I– I have ever felt in my entire life.”
“Tommy, please– please don’t leave me.” Buck leans down to press their foreheads together gently and cries. “I love you. I should’ve said it before.”
“I love you too.” Tommy whispers and then lets out a small breath, right before his hand goes limp in Buck’s hold and his eyes slip shut.
“No, no, Tommy, come on, please, no.” Without even realising, Buck grabs him by the shoulders and starts shaking him harshly, as if that’s going to change what happened. “Open your eyes, Tommy! You can’t leave me yet, open your eyes!”
Buck doesn’t pay any attention to whoever kneels beside him and places a gentle hand on his back, an attempt to get him to stop or maybe to comfort him, he isn’t sure. “Buck, you need to let him go.” Bobby’s voice is soft, but there’s still a hint of sadness in it that makes Buck’s heart ache even more.
“No, he’s not– he’s not dead. He can’t be. He couldn’t have left me.”
Bobby doesn’t say anything to him, he simply tugs him back slightly and Buck doesn’t even have it in himself to put up a fight anymore. He lets go of Tommy’s shoulders and weakly slumps back against his Captain’s chest.
“You said we still had time, Bobby.” Buck chokes the words out, not being able to tear his gaze away from Tommy’s still body. “We were supposed to have more time.”
“I’m so sorry, kid.”
Afterwards everything passes in a blur.
For the rest of the day, the only thing Buck can keep on thinking about is how he so desperately wishes that he could just go back in time and fix everything before it was too late.
– ☆ –
There are three things Buck knows the moment he opens his eyes.
One, the sun is shining too brightly directly on his face.
Two, his neighbour must think that drilling something in her yard at six in the morning is acceptable.
Three, when he checks his phone he sees that it's 14th of April and there are still no texts from Tommy.
Wait.
Actually, there are four things Buck knows.
Four, he has an insane wave of deja vu.
The feeling is so overwhelming that Buck thinks it’d knock him off his feet if he weren’t already in bed but it’s nothing compared to what the memories that come flooding back make him feel.
The memories of reaching the crash site, realising who had gotten in the accident, watching as Tommy breathed his final breath.
Tommy is dead.
The tears flood his eyes and immediately spill out, soaking through his pillow before he realises something and grabs his phone again.
14th of April.
6:00 A.M.
“What the fuck.” He mutters under his breath and sits up in his bed, clutching onto his phone like his life depends on it and doing the first thing that comes to his mind.
He opens the 118 group chat and stares down at the screen in disbelief as he reads the messages he missed out on during the night, the same messages he read the day before– or the first time he lived this day, he doesn’t even know how to explain it.
Still, somehow his hazy and very confused brain manages to process the fact that if he’s reliving this day, if it’s so early in the morning and what’s going to happen hasn’t happened yet, it means that Tommy is still alive. It has to mean that Tommy is still alive.
Before he can even properly realise what he’s doing, he’s already scrambling out of bed and throwing on whatever clothes he can find on the floor. As he rushes towards the front door, he almost falls face first on the floor and then has to return inside when he realises that he can’t get in his car because he forgot the keys inside.
Buck’s pretty sure he blacks out during the entire ride from his (Eddie’s) house to Tommy’s place but somehow he manages to get to his destination without ending up on the side of a road in an upside down car so he doesn’t think the process of getting there really matters.
He runs towards the house and before he has a chance to bang his fist on the front door, it swings open and all breath gets knocked out of Buck’s lungs at the sight of Tommy standing in the hallway with a duffle bag over his shoulder and a shocked expression on his face.
“Evan, what–”
“I love you.” Buck blurts out, his chest heaving as he takes deep breaths, barely hearing anything through the sound of blood rushing in his ears. “I– I love you so much, Tommy. I wasted so much time by not telling you that I do. I screwed up so– so bad that morning after the bar and I really, really didn’t mean my words out come out that way and I’m so–”
“Evan.” Tommy interrupts him, his voice firm but still soft. “What’s going on right now?”
“I don’t want to waste any more time, Tommy, because we might be running out of it without even realising.” Buck chokes out and takes a step closer to the man in front of him, grabbing his hands and holding onto them like they’re his lifeline. “I love you and I– I want to try again, if that’s something you want as well.”
Tommy opens his mouth and closes it a couple of times before he smiles gently at Buck and runs his thumbs across his knuckles. “Evan, how about we talk about this after I get home from wor–”
“No!” Buck almost shouts and watches as Tommy starts staring at him like he has grown a second head. “No, you can’t– we shouldn’t wait. I– I told you, we wasted so much time already, why should we keep on doing it?”
“I– I have a shift, Evan, I need to go.” Tommy tells him but he doesn’t make any move to push Buck out of his way and walk out of the house.
“Tommy, please, don’t go to work today.” Buck begs and tightens his grip on Tommy’s hands even more. For a second he thinks about telling Tommy everything but where does he even begin explaining, Tommy will probably think he has completely lost his mind. “You– just call in sick, please, so we can stay here and– and talk.” And so I can know that you’re safe, Bucks thinks but doesn’t say it out loud.
“Evan…”
“Please, Tommy, I’m begging you.”
For a moment, Tommy just looks at him, not saying anything, and right when Buck is about to think that maybe his attempt was in vain, that Tommy will go to work today and die, the man lets out a defeated sigh and takes a small step back inside the house, tugging Buck with him.
“Okay, I’ll ask for a day off so we can stay here and talk.” Tommy smiles at him brightly. “And for the record, I love you too.”
Buck lets out a relieved sigh that sounds more like a sob and falls directly into Tommy’s arms.
– ☆ –
On 17th of April, three days after Tommy died and Buck somehow broke the rules of space and time by going back in time and saving the man he loves, the 118 responds to a call.
Fire at the SoCal Tech Biomedical Research Laboratory.
– ☆ –
Buck realises it a week after Bobby’s death.
He’s standing in Tommy’s kitchen, automatically preparing dinner for them when the through suddenly hits him like a freight train, making him feel like his knees are about to buckle under him.
“Evan?” Tommy says, his voice full of concern, although Buck barely hears him through the ringing in his ears. “Evan, hey, what’s going on?”
“It was me. I did this to him.” Buck murmurs, his entire body going numb. “This is all my fault.”
“Sweetheart, what are you talking about?” Tommy asks with desperation and places his hands on Buck’s shoulders, turning him around so he can look in his eyes. “Evan, talk to me. What’s your fault?”
Buck’s voice is a mere whisper when says, “Bobby’s death. It was my fault.”
“What–” Tommy seems to struggle with finding the right words. It takes him a few seconds but then he finally settles for saying, “Evan, what happened to Bobby was a tragedy. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes, it was. I changed the past when I saved you after the helicopter crash. I couldn’t live in the world without you so somehow I went back and saved you. You lived so someone had to die for nature to find balance. A life for a life.” Buck chokes out, barely seeing Tommy’s shocked and confused face through the tears that have welled up in his eyes. “It’s my fault that Bobby’s gone. I did this, Tommy. I killed him– I killed him, I killed him!”
“Hey, no, no, Evan, what happened wasn’t your fault.” Tommy tells him softly and pulls him into a tight hug, holding him lovingly as Buck cries his heart out. “You didn’t kill Bobby, sweetheart. When you saved me, you had no way of knowing this would happen.”
“I should’ve known better than to test fate, Tommy.” Buck breathes out, harshly wiping the tears away when they roll down his cheeks. “I don’t– of course I don’t regret saving you but why Bobby? If someone had to die for balance, it should’ve been me.”
“No, Evan, don’t say that ever again.” Tommy says firmly and pulls back slightly, putting enough distance between them so he can grab Buck by his shoulders and look intensely in his eyes. “I couldn’t live in the world without you, just like you couldn’t live in one without me. I can’t imagine waking up one day and having to keep on living while knowing that you’re not here with me anymore.”
Buck lets out another broken sob and crawls back into Tommy’s arms, dissolving into tears once again as Tommy holds him tightly against his chest.