Chapter Text
October 30th 2025
Carla stops in her tracks, a desperate plea coming from her fianceé, begging for her to stay.
She turns to look at her, pained green pools meet hers, mirroring them.
She realizes, if she leaves without a word now Lisa will think she's gone for good.
Her heart breaks a little, she hates this.
She steps towards the blonde, opens one arm and breathes in her scent as the other's head instantly falls onto her shoulder, Lisa hiding her face against it, a chocked but violent sob escaping her lips as she covers her mouth with her hands.
Carla wants to hold her, take her up the stairs and wrap her in cotton wool, shield her from everyone and everything and tell her it will be okay, they will be okay.
Except she finds herself struggling to believe it.
She knows Lisa senses it too, her uncertainty, because her hands are still on her own face and not around the brunette's waist.
Part of her wanted Lisa to follow the pattern, hold her close and just refuse to let go.
Whatever rational side is left of her, though, is glad her fianceé is giving her an out.
She runs her fingers through blonde silky hair, pushing her head back a bit to slide hers against it, breathes her in as she kisses her forehead.
Lisa subconsciously lets out a relieved breath, and that is Carla's reminder that she really needs to leave before she inevitably gives in to the gorgeous, brilliant detective in her arms.
She pulls back reluctantly and gently pushes the other woman away, turning her back to her and her front to the door.
"I need to clear my head" her voice breaks, but she chooses to ignore it, pretend it didn't happen.
Pretend her body isn't telling her to turn around and bury herself in the softness of the other woman, the warmth of the love she has for her.
As her hand makes contact with the cold metal handle, she hears another chocked sob from behind her.
But Lisa knows better than to ask her to stay, she has a too solid first hand experience of the desperate need to run away, be and think alone.
She also knows that, if she'd asked her again, Carla wouldn't have left, she couldn't have possibly brought herself to.
But all Lisa wants is for her fianceé to get what she needs, with or without her.
Unfortunately, that doesn't make it less painful.
As Carla pulls the door shut behind herself she hears a low thud from inside, something behind thrown.
She sets out into the night, feet stomping heavily and unevenly on the cobbles as she instinctively heads to Roy's.
Something grows cold on her left shoulder at every step she takes, and realization hits her like a train.
Lisa's tears have drenched her shirt where she'd hid her face, the cold breeze now cooling the wet patch against the brunette's skin, a memento of the woman she's left behind, hurt and alone.
She speeds her pace up, sticks her hands in her pockets and swallows back a sob.
The back of her mind comes alive with the blurred image of bright green eyes fixated in hers, full of hope and trust and affection.
She knows those eyes have looked at Becky the same way, knows they would again, weren't she in the way.
By the time she notices, tears are streaming freely down her cheeks and she finds herself yearning for Lisa's neck to hide into.
She'd bet her car it was also Becky's safe place, at some point.
How couldn't it have been, so soft and warm and simply made safe by the protective nature of its owner.
She'd always known Lisa's arms had wrapped countless times around another woman before her, and for God's sake, it shouldn't be a problem, not for her of all people.
But somehow, with said woman back so grandly in the picture, Carla feels the focus has shifted, making her own image blurry.
Competing with a ghost had been hard enough, but at least said ghost couldn't be there to comfort her Lisa, leaving the honor to her.
And what an honor it is (it was) to have such a fierce, stubbornly strong woman come to her whenever she felt too little or too much of something.
But why would Lisa need comforting if Becky is here, alive and well and clearly willing to put herself on the line for a family that might now be Carla's too, but was always and will always be hers in the first place?
She pushes all sorts of thoughts back, numbs them carefully and focuses on the cold breeze stinging her nostrils.
The wet patch on her shoulder won't let her forget.
The first time it had happened, Carla had no idea what to do.
April 14th 2025
Carla pulled up under her apartment as soon as she could manage.
It had been an incredibly long day of incredibly boring paperwork, then Betsy had asked her for a ride to a mate's and who was she to say no to the kid her own messy stupid bloodline had gotten shot by the hand of her own mother?
So she had driven her to the grocery store to get some drinks and snacks, for which she lent (with the empty promise she'd get them back) a couple of tenners, and then off to the sleepover she was so excited about.
It was well past eight when she slid the door open and kicked off her shoes.
"you're here"
She jumped when she heard the weak whisper coming from the couch.
Lisa's head was peaking out from behind the cushions, eyes puffy and hair a mess.
Carla let her jacket pool at her feet and rushed to cup the other's cheeks with her cold hands.
"baby, what's going on?" she wiped a tear with her thumb, heart clenching at the sight before her. She circled the sofa and settled beside her girlfriend, pulling her into her arms as she started sobbing.
She wasn't used to this in the slightest.
Yes, they had gotten close after Lisa had confided in her during a breakdown, but it was rare for the blonde to cry, let alone be so physically wrecked by it.
"love, come on, you can talk to me" she gently pushed Lisa's chin up with a finger, inviting her to look at her.
The blonde's eyes kept avoiding hers, tears flowing freely down her cheeks, lips trembling slightly as if she was holding back something.
Before Carla could think of anything else, a sob escaped from the tinier woman and it was like the dam had broken. Crumbled.
The brunette felt strong arms turning to jelly around her shoulders as Lisa buried her face in the crook of her neck, wet, warm breath tingling her skin.
"oh baby" her fingers ran soothingly through the other's hair, slowly settling into a rhythm as she realized Lisa's sobs weren't going to stop any time soon, nor she could do anything about it.
So she kept her close, alternating between massaging her scalp and scratching at her shoulder blades lightly, like the woman had once told her it calmed her, hoping to ground her enough to eventually get her to open up.
"I love you" she said between a motion and the other.
"it's okay" she'd say whenever the sobs' frequency seemed to slow down "you're safe"
It took what felt like hours for Lisa to breathe evenly again.
When Carla was sure the flood had stopped, she adjusted herself on the couch and pulled the other woman tighter in between her arms.
She relaxed when Lisa shifted too, sitting with one leg on either side of Carla's thighs, bum resting on top of them, and wrapping her arms tight around the brunette's torso just to press her face deeper into her neck.
Carla caressed her hair restlessly until the crying stopped completely and Lisa finally allowed her to make eye contact.
I was something Carla had struggled with, at first, that she could always access all off Lisa, but her eyes were most elusive.
She had learnt, with time, that Lisa needed to be soothed into allowing eye contact, that to her, and with her, it was the most intimate interaction whenever feelings were involved.
"Lise, baby, what is it?" she whispered, pressing her lips against the blonde's hair again and again.
Lisa's voice was muffled by Carla's own skin as she'd gone back to hiding into her neck.
The brunette had always found it incredibly endearing, the way her partner would look for safety into, onto and around her.
It also shattered her to know she must have been like this with Becky, too, and she had lost her.
She had lost her safe harbor, and Carla was honored to be the one to offer her a safe place to land again.
"it's stupid, I'm sorry" Lisa's voice came out half chocked, half a chuckle.
Carla's hands settled on soft hips "let me be the judge of that, love" she kissed her forehead "please"
Lisa sighed and her shoulders shook when she chuckled weakly
"it's nothing, Carla, really"
The brunette refused to let this go.
"you climbed onto my lap like your life depended on it, I wouldn't call it nothing"
Lisa looked at her then, almost offended.
Well, she was going to be, until her eyes stilled on the softness pooled in Carla's, the will to listen and soothe and comfort, the pride, the warmth, the love.
"well, what if it did?" she stuck her tongue out in an attempt to lighten the mood.
She couldn't be more glad when Carla played along.
"then I'd say you're safe, cause I wouldn't want you anywhere else" she smiled, letting her hands run up and down Lisa's back and pulling her hips more into herself.
Could they merge, they would.
No hesitations, no second thoughts.
"I got a little anxious, is all" the blonde whispered "tough day at work, and then..."
Carla was sure her heart started practicing parkour tricks when Lisa spoke again without her asking.
Lisa opening up was rare, but Lisa opening up without being begged to? She'd celebrate the anniversary of this.
"when I came home.. well, you weren't here"
Oh.
Of course it would be that, of course.
Carla mentally kicked herself for not thinking about it earlier.
"love, I am so sorry"
She ran a hand through blonde locks, a desperate attempt to ground herself, more than the other woman.
"had I known you were home early, I would have warned you I was late, I should have let you know I was okay"
Lisa shook her head with a weak smile.
"Carla, you can't live your life making sure I know you're okay all the time, you know?"
Lisa kissed her cheek and locked eyes with her before speaking again.
"it just takes a bit of a toll on me, sometimes, the job and all that, and you know I get anxious after..."
Carla wasn't expecting her to say that, she never did, not without turning into a human storm.
"after Becky died the way she did, when you're not here on time I just panic"
The blonde ran her fingers through her girlfriend's hair as well, both holding the other as close as possible.
"I just need to learn to deal with that, you know? with the fact that you're... well you're alive, and that means you could die"
Carla didn't even try to hold back the hot tears that rolled down her cheek as she kissed her woman, softly but firmly.
"you make me the proudest woman who ever walked this earth, you know that, right?"
Lisa is the one who kisses her first this time.
"well, I try my best"
Puffy eyes never leaving hers, Carla feels like she's won all that one possibly could win at.
"still, I might have an idea. Since this anxious ass of yours"
The brunette's hands slid down her back and cupped her bum, slapping it playfully.
"won't stop worrying about it's girlfriend, who, by the way, has a very safe lifestyle"
Lisa interrupted her.
"well, apart from when murderous brothers or kidney failures are involved-"
Carla have her an impressed look.
"sorry, too soon to joke about that?"
The blonde had lowered her head imperceptibly and a new beam of sadness had blossomed in her eyes at the thought of hurting her partner's feelings.
Carla's laughter almost boomed.
"God, I'd be fuming at you, weren't you so gorgeous"
She kissed her tiny blonde again, puffy eyes getting their sparkle back.
"but yeah, murderous brothers and kidney failures aside, I'm quite the sedentary woman, you know? and I happen to have an idea to let you know, at all times, that I'm okay. There are apps, you know, that allow you to share your location full time. That way you'll see if I'm in my office, here or on the way to one of either places"
Carla's smile was so reassuring, so understanding, that Lisa wanted to hide herself in her neck again, but to never come out of it this time.
"I don't know baby, I don't want to be hovering over you at all times, or make you feel like I'm controlling you"
"hovering over- Lisa, you're not some creep and we both know that, but if knowing where I am can avoid this kind of situation I'd gladly give up my privacy or whatever else it takes"
The affection in the brunette's eyes was so unwavering that Lisa was almost knocked back.
"give me your phone"
It would have sounded harsh, coming from anyone else, but Carla had this special, entirely hers way of turning a command in the most precious, secret confession.
Lisa did as she was asked and remained sat where she was, still straddling her girlfriend's lap, as she watched her work with both their phones.
She loved the way the brunette's brow furrowed when she concentrated, she loved the way her body felt under hers, she loved her scent, her sharp, beautiful mind.
"here you go, now you never have to worry again. And if you do, please baby, just give me a call"
Lisa took her phone and looked at the freshly downloaded app.
The screen showed both their icons in the same place, a name in an impossibly small font just below Carla's.
-carla (loves the bones of you)-
The brunette clocked her smile and added
"whatever I'm doing, it can't possibly be more important than you"