Chapter Text
Chase walked hesitantly into the hospital chapel. It was empty thankfully.
His footsteps echoed echoed loudly in the eerie silence. But nothing was louder than the sound of his heart thudding in his chest. It felt like it was going to rip through his ribcage and leave his chest with each beat.
His heart ached, it felt heavy. Too heavy.
Guilt.
He should've been more careful. He should've noticed that, should've predicted that it was going to end this way. He should've taken the safer approach! Or not do the explonatory surgery at all! It wasn't even necessary, they could've started treating her without the confirmation, it was less risky.
He knelt down and buried his face in his shaky hands, then a small sob left his mouth.
"God, I killed her" he sobbed softly.
For a while he just kept sobbing. Then he closed his eyes and took a shaky breath, trying to calm down.
Then, as he managed to stop crying, he crossed himself. "In the name of the Father... and of the Son... and of the Holy Spirit... Amen..." he whispered softly.
As the time of the prayer came. Chase opened his mouth and then just froze.
It's been ages since he actually prayed. Now that he was thinking about it, he didn't remember if he had prayed even once since leaving the seminary.
Today was special. He had never killed a patient before. Never messed up a surgery so badly before.
Guilt hit him again.
He killed someone.
He killed someone.
Someone as dead. Because of him.
He started crying again.
"God... Please, forgive me... I have never meant to cause any harm... I should've never... I was so eager to prove my theory and the surgery seemed so routine and simple... Please, forgive me for my pride... for my negligence... for the failure to protect the sanctity of human life and I—" he sobbed.
"If he gave a shit about the sanctity of life, he wouldn't have killed that girl"
Chase immediately turned to House.
The diagnostician continued. "Hypothetically of course, since he doesn't exist anyway. But let's say for the argument's sake your imagined friend is real. That means he killed her"
"I killed her"
"Right" House scoffed. "He's the great entity — omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent, according to your Fantasy Book — but you're the one who managed to kill her, not him. Isn't this a contradiction?"
"I made a mistake"
"You performed a surgery that was risk. And you know what 'risky' means in medicine? It translates to 'it could end up killing the patient'. That's what happened this time" he got up. "Come on, Donovan got some cupakes, your favourite ones. Let's go"
Chase shook his head. "Can't" he said simply.
House glanced at Chase, just analysing him for a while. "I'm guessing this is your first time, huh?" he sighed. "Look, kid, you're 24, you just started your journey with medicine"
Chase scoffed bitterly. "So what? Your argument is that it gets easier with time?"
"No. My argument is it's just the beginning. You chose this career. It's not always just the glory of saving lives and being a hero. Sometimes it means that someone dies. Right in front of you. Under your care. Either accept it and deal with it like a rational human being or change profession" he said, sharply.
"Also, next time deal with it in a better way. This fantasy delusions will not fly in my team. It's truly pathetic" he added, truly annoyed, before leaving the chapel.