Chapter Text
"okay, i'll bite. what's the plan?"
"you haven't figured it out yet, bucky? geez. well at least you're kinda cute"
Bucky's blood ran cold.
"well it's kinda cute, isn't it?" a woman's voice. familiar he concurred, unsure how it was familiar however. a hand stroked his cheek.
a memory(?) involuntarily flashed through his mind causing the world around him to blur and the voices muffle as they kept talking. that doesn't matter right now he chastised himself willing his mind to focus back on the scene ahead of him, he needed to focus on the mission at hand - dealing with whatever the hell was happening with this bob guy. his brain soon refocused and the voices came back to full volume.
"...in which i decide how to keep the American people safe, answering to no one. I'll be unimpeachable." Valentina's voice was the only one speaking giving bucky the chance to hear the end of her monologue.
"that's...never gonna happen." bucky said now fully back in his body, the memory pushing itself back to the very back of his mind, where it had came from and belonged.
...
it took less than five minutes for sentry to kick their asses, and soon the team found themselves stood outside of the old avengers tower all looking a little disheveled and very done with this whole ordeal. whatever Valentina had done to bob must've worked, bucky thought as he reattached his vibranium arm and gave it a good spin to recalibrated it, his shoulder would be sore for a good couple days, it always was after getting detached by force but oh well, what can he do ? at least he didn't need a new one making he really didn't want to have to call Wakanda to ask them to make him a new one, he honestly wasn't sure they'd agree or even pick up after all they still weren't on the best of terms after the whole Zemo fiasco.
the team (the thunderbolts? that's what Alexei said their team name was, right?) were arguing in the background, less arguing and more off getting yelled at by Yelena every time one of them tried to say something which was honestly quite fair of a reaction in Bucky's opinion but he didn't see the point in voicing that thought, so he kept his mouth shut, besides he knew better than to say something when Yelena was already pissed at everyone, he'd known Natasha after all, and heard the stories from Sam. he wondered what Sam was up to, missing him at that moment, Sam was always fun on missions.
"were all losers, and we lost!" Yelena stated and with that walking away from the group. Alexei followed after her a few paces behind.
...
The shadowy figured still hovered over New York having engulfed a good chunk of it already in its darkness, everything it touched becoming one with it and then continuing to grow. They were doing the best they could to keep it at bay, slow it down but it honestly wasn't really working.
Yelena got this look in her eyes, that distant almost empty look that bucky understood immediately. he knew what she was about to do and he knew that she'd figured out the root of this shadow. bucky didn't stop her.
she stepped in and was soon engulfed by the shadow, Alexei screaming after her.
the rest of the team soon followed in, determined to find her and bob.
it went black.
...
New York reappeared around them.
that means they won, right? and at least for now they were done (or forever Bucky hoped he really didn't want to do that again, he wasn't too sure he could to be honest, the first time was hard enough). Bucky wanted to just go back to his apartment, have a hot shower and sit and stare at a wall until he fell asleep or cried or gave up and called Sam- he didn't really care what he did he just didn't want to be here. plus he had a cat to feed and cuddle, he'd left Alpine with one of his neighbors when he'd been called out (he didn't like it when she was home alone, it made him worry) and knew that though his neighbor didn't mind taking care of her for a few days, would probably be happy to have her out of their hair as soon as possible.
of course, Bucky wasn't that lucky.
"yes. i need an extraction right now" Val's voice was heard not too far away. oh right, yeah he's still got to deal with her. he really, really didn't want to especially after what had just happened but he had to. after all it was kinda what his job had originally been to do. god, he really didn't want to see her again. not that he could ever forget, not after everything. still didn't stop him from hoping, even if it really should've.
"what? no. i don't have backup. i need help."
"i'm going to kill that person" thank god for Alexei saying what they were all thinking.
the five ex-assassins and bob walked towards where Valentina's obnoxiously loud voice had sounded from earlier, at least Bucky didn't have to deal with her alone, he wasn't sure he'd be even able to look her in the eyes and without that he was sure he wouldn't of been very 'intimidating'. Sam always joked about his 'signature stare and scowl' but even he'd be lying if he didn't admit it did really add to how scared people were off him, without it he just kind of looked rather shy and stand-off-ish.
"can't kill her we gotta take her in." even Bucky knew what he was saying was bullshit especially to a bunch of trained assassins but as Walker had learned a little while ago, you cant publicly execute someone in front of where cameras could be and not face some repercussions especially with histories like theirs.
"can't kill her. maybe when we take her in, i break a few bones." Alexei stated, once again speaking what everyone was thinking.
"oh, i'd like to kill her." Ava agreed with the man
"at least let me break her legs, huh. then you can drag her." though Bucky would've loved to jump at that opportunity maybe it was for the better he didn't. Sam would be proud at how well he was managing his anger, he thought to himself.
"i know we're all having a lot of feelings right now.- I am too. i get it. give me half- half a second."
they stepped through a curtain(?)- it didn't really matter what- after Val.
shit.
they stepped out to find about a dozen or so cameras staring back at them, all from different news broadcasts and all taking photos ad videos of them. pure shock overcame them all, as they all looked around.
Valentina stepped up to a small podium and began to speak "for, years i have been working secretly to develop a new age of protection. today, the citizens of the united states needed that protection. and thanks to my hard work, they got it. ladies and gentlemen...meet... The New Avengers."
what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck. Bucky's ears rang as she spoke those words. he wasn't an avenger or at least wasn't meant to be one now with these people. it had been Sam's job to restart the avengers and he'd told Bucky so. Sam was going to be so mad at him. he especially wasn't meant to be an avenger for her. and not for the government, that had already been a debate before and it didn't exactly end well and both Bucky and Sam don't regret their decisions on the side they took. The others however didn't seem, to be thinking so, though were just as surprised. of course they hadn't been there when that whole fiasco had happened so it didn't surprise Bucky, what did however was that this meant this information had been sprung on all of them. had this been premeditated? did she just come up with this on the spot, to save her neck? though it might have been rude and selfish, Bucky hoped for the latter. of course it wasn't to do with him thinking that these people wouldn't be a first choice for a new avengers team (even if they probably wouldn't've) all of them truly deserved an opportunity to do good and be redeemed in the public eye. it was mostly to do with him- however selfish that was. the idea of Val thinking or discussing him in any private setting made him genuinely sick to the stomach, made his head spin and made his ears ring even louder.
...
Bucky wasn't really sure what happened after that only that now he found himself in the old avengers tower- now renamed the watch tower- with the rest of the makeshift team. the others had picked out the rooms they wanted, he didn't really care which one he got so he just stayed quiet, well that and because he wasn't sure he could speak without it coming out wrong in some way. he was pretty sure none of them noticed and the group soon spilt off into their separate spaces.
he followed after a few minutes of standing fully still. when he got inside the room he collapsed onto the floor with his back against the large bed covered in crisp white bedding, pulled his knees to his chest and just stared at the blank white wall ahead.
he stayed fully still and silent. a fear that had been buried deep under until not so long ago made him do so. a fear to move. a fear to do anything he wasn't directly told to do. a fear of punishment and his handlers and the others.
god, he missed Sam. the idea to call him had been buried as soon as Valentina had uttered those words. Sam was definitely mad at him, Bucky decided and wouldn't want to speak to him and especially not listen to him talk about his problems. Bucky had fucked up and now had defiantly lost the last person he had. he always did eventually. he always figured he'd do something to destroy the friendship even if he really hoped he wouldn't, it was the only thing he was really ever good for, well other than the things hydra had made him good for.
and now that hydra had popped into his head so did the void and Steve and the war and the memories and the murders and the missions he didn't want to be on and them and her again.
suddenly he was somewhere else, not sure where but definitely not in the tower he didn't want to be in in the start. his body and mind in two different places, rushes of memories from all different decades flooded his brain and he didn't move. he would've wished he was home if he could just remember who he was and where he was in that moment but he didn't so he couldn't. time kept going.
...
yes, Sam was understandably pissed. he'd told Bucky about his plans to restart the avengers and mere months later Bucky had been on tv announcing the new avengers. so yes, Sam was pissed at his best friend for the betrayal.
that didn't stop him from worrying after seeing the broadcasts of the state New York had been in, didn't stop him from worrying about Bucky. he knew how Bucky was and Bucky knew how he was so he knew Bucky would assume he may be mad so he would've called Sam and talked about it together like he had gotten accustomed to doing, since the flag smashers they'd grown close and were even planning on maybe living together soon. so when Bucky didn't end up calling, Sam couldn't help but worry more, although he didn't do anything really about it yet other than send a few texts checking he was alive which received barebones replies, Bucky was a grown adult he could handle himself and maybe he just needed a breather before he called, maybe he just needed some alone time or just didn't want to speak to Sam at that moment. whatever the reasoning was Sam didn't want to worry himself too much yet and knew once Bucky was ready he'd reach out, he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself.
he continued like this and soon hours turned to days then weeks and then months. Sam's worry only kept going, reaching a sky high when he got a call from Walker of all people... about Bucky.
...
Bucky wasn't sure how long he had sat on that floor in that room in the end, but when he got up the sun was rising above the city sky line already. he got up and showered making sure to wash all the dust and grime out of his hair and off his skin before getting changed into the plain grey pjs they had left for them and leaving the room to go look for something to wipe his metal arm with, he looked at the clock in the kitchen and read 04:50 before sitting down at the table and cleaning his arm as he waited for the others to wake up.
John was the first to enter at 05:37 which didn't surprise Bucky at all, after all old habits die hard and both men had been in the army waking up as soon as the sun had risen into the sky what did surprise Bucky however was that when noting who had walked in Bucky had called him John in his head. when did that happen, him calling Walker, John? weird. John grabbed a glass of water and a banana which he placed in his pocket before turning to bucky and telling him he was off on a run and asking if he wanted to join. Bucky declined simply with a 'no, thanks' and a (fake looking most likely) smile which received a smile back and a nod.
no one entered before John came back from his run at 07:00 to find Bucky still sat at the table this time with a cup of coffee scrolling on is phone, he had the news open but didn't seem to be reading it really- pretending more of maybe but John didn't ask about it, it wasn't his business really. when John had walked in again Bucky looked up and gave a nod turning his attention to following the blonde man around the kitchen with his eyes. John had a plastic bag full of something, he set it on the counter and turned towards Bucky.
"do you think the others like pancakes? i was thinking i would make some for everyone. do you want pancakes?" John was now looking at Bucky anticipating his answer which confused Bucky. why would he know? John had been around everyone longer than Bucky so wouldn't he be more likely to know?
nonetheless he answered the younger man "i don't see why not, I'm sure they'd be happy to wake up to pancakes after yesterday." Bucky pointedly avoided the mans last question, he wasn't hungry and still felt nauseous after yesterday the memories still fresh in his mind. he really didn't want to one didn't want to test out if he was actually nauseous by throwing up afterwards and two didn't want to have to explain or talk about how he was feeling. John didn't seem to care simply nodding in reply and turning to reach for the ingredients to start preparing the batter. the two men fell to a comfortable silence as Bucky continued to follow John's movements.
By the time Ava, Bob, Alexei and Yelena walked in there was a pile of pancakes on the table as well as things to eat the pancakes with and John and Bucky sat around he table drinking coffee. everyone ate(except for Bucky who said he'd eaten earlier-who was going to argue with that when they only just got here and he could just say he'd eaten when John was out) complimenting John's frankly impressive cooking skills who answered so confidently that everyone laughed and retracted their previous statements, refusing to stroke the mans already to large ego.
...
this routine became a regular thing as the team and Bucky had moved fully into the tower about a week into the stay, John cooking while Bucky sat there in the kitchen with him.
However, the team soon began to pick up on the fact Bucky semi-regularly claimed to have eaten already when they were having meals, none of them were sure if he had actually or was lying after all Bucky had been literally one of the best assassins in the world for seventy years so was a very good liar but it still seamed a bit weird and slightly concerning.
Bucky's nightmares came back almost fully again. almost nightly he found himself bolting up right drenched in sweat and shaking from whatever terror had came up this time, often deciding to not return to sleep. he used to call Sam when he'd get nightmares but he still was too scared to call him, he figured Sam wouldn't pick up anyways and if he did then Bucky would just be given confirmation of what he already believed and that would've been worse than dealing with a nightmare by himself, so he didn't call. Everyone had found him in the kitchen or living room in the middle of the night at least once- they all struggled with nightmares so it wasn't that much of a shock and as for the eye bags they all just figured they were nothing. Bucky was very thankful for that, he really didn't want to talk about it.
he was reliable on and off missions and by far the most experienced at it all so the team soon found themselves thinking of him as their leader- though unofficially. he'd often help with training as well as team morale, safety and health, if there was ever a problem he'd often be the one to help whoever the problem was a problem for solve it. they often found themselves going to him for minor and major problems and Bucky would be lying if he didn't say he liked feeling useful, but even with that comfortable environment built, Bucky often preferred to deal with his own problems, it was easier that way. and if it meant that everyone decided he was the most stable of them all so be it, Bucky liked being a rock others could rely on, always has, always will.
the thing however that worried the team the most wasn't any of those points though- even if those were a little odd. what worried them most was how he acted around Valentina.
She was around regularly to give them missions and to check on how things were going, they were technically her team after all. since Bucky was considered the teams leader he did a lot of the talking for them in situations it was required so it made it all the clearer that something was bothering him when Valentina was around. sure, he never spoke much, especially if he'd had a particularly difficult night but this was different. he'd usually stare at something if he'd had a bad night or not really follow the conversation unless directly addressed by someone but it'd usually pass in a couple hours and he'd return to his regular levels of quiet. Around Valentina though he'd become hyper vigilant (well more so then usual) and when he'd speak it'd be in a quieter tone, his words being perfectly picked out as if he was scared it'd be mistaken as something else. his voice lacked its usual levels of snark and became this falsely calm monotone, one of someone forcing themselves to appear unafraid. he'd be more jumpy as well, often minutely flinching at unexpected sounds or action. he'd make little eye contact with Valentina other than looking up when she directly addressed him and would often not disagree with what she had to say or if he did he'd find a way to do so by making a different suggestion, skirting around what he wanted to actually say, never outright saying 'no'. all the changes were minor and clocked up to him just being uncomfortable around newer people even if he didn't act like that around them. only Yelena picked up on the changes mostly and would often step in for him in situations she could tell he was uncomfortable, being his second and all. she'd be the one to disagree for him and make suggestions she knew he wouldn't and he'd always thank her for stepping in afterwards though never once gave an explanation as to why. she didn't pry but did decide to keep an eye on him, especially when Val was around.
it all continued.
...
Bucky hated how everything felt like it was collapsing after the void and the team was formed. it wasn't to do with his team, they were great, but he felt like he was regressing more and more to how he was after hydra as the days went on, and he could do nothing to stop it. It didn't help that she was around so often. the dreams now no longer contained the people he'd killed as often but the other bits that came with hydra, the bits he didn't want to talk about not even with Sam and especially not his team. the bits less about what he'd done for others and more what others had done to him. those bits were there too often. the worst bit for him though was that before that day in New York he had barely remembered knowing the woman previously and definitely not the details of it, he wished it'd stayed that way.
he also knew that his team was starting to pick up on it all. the eating and sleep and the Val bits. everyday he just prayed they wouldn't bring it up and they didn't. he also knew though that it'd be only a matter of time until someone did and his whole world would shatter but until then he could pretend that there was no problem.
he wondered if Sam would've noticed but didn't bother with that thought too much, Sam hated him, that was for sure, if he hadn't he'd of called or even maybe shown up by now, right? they'd texted a bit nothing more than details about missions occasionally, updates on the boys and Sarah or the occasional check in text just to make sure the other was still alive. Sam always texted first. Bucky would've but he didn't want to bother Sam, he knew how busy he was being Captain America and all or worse make him more mad. they'd called once about the whole avengers thing a few weeks after the team had formed and it was clear how angry Sam had been after so Bucky really didn't want to push it and have Sam cut off contact fully, he wouldn't of been able to live with that. honestly Bucky figured maybe it was for the better this way he didn't have to burden Sam with his problems anymore. plus, he knew Sam would see right through his very fragile and thin facade destroying the lie he'd created both for himself and for his team. yeah, maybe it was better this way then.
...
none of them were excited for this stupid party. Valentina had sprung it on all of them randomly at the end of a long mission debrief literally two days before the party was to happen and had sent over the things they'd all have to wear, not taking any of their input on it at all. Yelena and Ava received matching dresses in different colours, they were floor length and made of velvet and it's fair to say neither were happy about it, the boys all received regular black suits and ties both sets of which were perfectly fitted except for Bucky, who ,for some reason, got a suit that had weirdly tight trousers and had a waist coat rather than blazer, it also came with a note saying to roll up the sleeves and show of his arm. Yelena found that all really weird and clearly wasn't the only one when John offered to drive down with Bucky to his apartment(which he apparently still had and had decided not to mention to everyone else) and pick up one of his suits from back in his congress days. Bucky agreed, looking really quite relieved and they had that whole ordeal sorted, it didn't stop Yelena from wondering why that had happened, she soon forced herself to stop when she started feeling sick from the ideas, she was probably just over thinking it all anyways.
over the past few months Bucky had grown quite close to Yelena and weirdly enough John, so it didn't really surprise him that they were the ones seemingly noticing the most. they both clearly had their theories about the stuff happening but he was sure this whole suit ordeal had made them even more sure, he was really relieved to find they kept their theories to themselves however.
the party was a lot. it reminded Yelena of some of the places she'd gone back when she was an assassin, however those times she was definitely not a guest. it was fancy and everyone around was dressed in gowns and suits, classical music played and servers carried champagne to people as they mingled. she was out of her comfort zone like everyone else but as everyone else drifted off (as instructed by Valentina to do so a few days ago) to mingle with the other guests, she found herself staying with their leader. Bucky had mentioned in passing previously that he'd been to a few similar events whilst he was working in congress and she figured he'd be the best to stay with, they could judge others together or something. she noted that the other man seemed to have that far away look on his face he often got around Val and decided that she'd made the right decision. Yelena grabbed the dark haired man by the arm linking hers into his like she did with most and steered him to go start their own mingling.
as soon as they got to some people and began to talk they both got more comfortable (or seemed to which was enough for the people they spoke to). they talked and laughed bouncing conversation topics with each other for others very naturally. the evening was going surprisingly well for them all especially considering how they all were as people. John and Alexei were talking to a group of men, all who had medals clipped to their suits, sharing war stories with each other, Ava and Bob were talking to a small group of what seemed like teens or young adults most likely dragged here by their parents, Ava had a drink in hand lightly more giggly than usual meaning probably not her first drink of the evening. Both John and Alexei also had drinks in hand however that didn't matter much for them considering they were both super soldiers, probably doing it more for the show than anything else. Bob had what seemed like apple juice in his glass and though the group was pretty sure alcohol wouldn't do much to him either, neither they nor Bob himself were very willing to try that out. finally Yelena and Bucky both had decided not to drink, Bucky always considered it a waste for him to do so considering he couldn't get drunk and Yelena just preferred to be sober around new people, saved her from doing stuff she may regret later. so, yeah, the evening was going well.
until Valentina decided to walk up to Bucky while Yelena had gone off to the toilet quickly.
she walked with three tallish and clearly muscular men. Bucky froze when he realised he recognised all three.
Yelena was on her way back when she saw the scene ahead, her pace quickened as soon as she realised what was happening. fuck, she'd left for like ten minutes and this happened.
"and this gentlemen is the Bucky Barnes, the winter soldier" Valentina had a wide smirk plastered on her face- she knew exactly what she was doing.
"ahhh yes, yes. been a while hasn't it, soldier? how long now? at least fifteen years it must be coming up to soon, counting the blip of course." the tallest of the men spoke, Collins, Bucky remembered him well, he had been especially violent. he commanded one of the strike teams hydra had, strike beta, if Bucky remembered correctly, Bucky hated working with them they had a strong taste for blood and believed a bit too heavily in the 'order through pain' mentality but mostly when it was inflicted on the soldier, on him. strike beta hadn't been as good of a team as strike alpha but were still seen as a very good team this meant that he often worked with them, whenever he woke from cryostasis to find he'd be working with them of all teams he'd find a pit forming in his stomach, even lacking the memories of prior missions with them, his body seemed to remember- always. strike alpha had been kinder, not by much but they didn't see the need in random cruelty towards him, Rumlow had strict rules on how to behave and act especially towards the soldier after having seen how other units did (both currently and in the past) and his team held enough respect (and fear, probably) for their commander to follow his rules on what they were and weren't allowed to do. Bucky never quite found out whether it was pity, Rumlow not wanting to deal with it and the problems it caused or whatever other reasons the man might of held for the decisions he made (not that he'd ever find out now) but either way it didn't really matter in the end, it did make everything a little more pleasant however miniscule it was.
Now Collins and two others from his strike, his second in command and a friend Bucky decided, were stood in front of him with Valentina. all four's eyes looking him up and down remembering what the soldier had been, had done, had had done to him. what they had done to him. smirks plastered on all their faces.
say something, anything, just reply, don't just stand there like you used to, his head was screaming, his ears were ringing so loud, his heart was thudding in his chest, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't speak or move. he was frozen. memories flooded to him and he felt sick. dread built up in his stomach even though he knew they couldn't do anything here or now or ever again, he still couldn't help the fear from sinking in. Collins's SIC unfolded his hand to stick out and offer a hand shake and Bucky couldn't help but flinch, even without looking he could see their grins widen.
"hey! they you are Bucky, you know i couldn't find ya anywhere. i was thinking we should probably get going, Ava is looking a little tipsy and Yelena has been gone an awful long time, i think her battery might've ran out, plus we got stuff to do tomorrow morning..." John appeared next to Bucky, placed a hand on Bucky's shoulder to help ground him and though Bucky flinched at the sudden contact he soon relaxed into it. the blonde had clearly noticed the interaction and came to help and bucky would be lying if he said he wasn't relieved. "oh, sorry, I'm John Walker, i work with Bucky here and the rest of the new avengers." John stretched out his free hand that Collins reluctantly shook giving him a nod and a tight smile as a greeting. "so what do you say, Buck? we going?" Bucky didn't argue at the nickname used but whether it was because he didn't notice, couldn't reply or just simply was alright with him using the name was unclear to John, though he really hoped it was the third option.
Bucky didn't trust himself to answer so he just nodded in agreement and allowed himself to be maneuvered out by John after he gave his quick goodbye. the rest of the team soon joined them Yelena linking her arm in Bucky's again as they walked out the van and drove back to the tower.
Bucky was sure that both Yelena and John knew now or at least had theories so when they led him to sit on the couch and stayed close even once the other three left he let them. it was quite nice to have both their grounding weights and heats next to him, and even nicer to not have to speak about what happened, yet. the three put on a film and soon Bucky fell asleep exhausted from the long day, his head on John's shoulder and leg on Yelena's lap. he knew he'd probably be awoken by a nightmare in a few hours or wake up to being by himself again, but for now that didn't really matter to him. Yelena and John fell asleep not long after.
...