Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

how to tell if a wound is infected

spider poison wound not healing

wound not healed after three weeks

redness around cut not healing

infection signs

After several hopeless minutes of Googling, Kou gives up and drops his head against the sink.

He's in the bathroom in his house, sitting on the edge of the bathtub with his shirt pulled up and old bandages strewn around his feet. On each side of his waist are two red wounds, long, thin scratches that don't look bad from afar, but the fact that they haven't healed in three weeks is probably a bad thing. In fact, they don't look like they've even begun to heal. The cuts look as fresh as they day he got them, and while he's been taking good care of them, he's starting to fear the idea that they might be infected.

They look kind of red and puffy. When he touches the skin around them, it hurts, and he inhales sharply through his teeth at the sensation. It definitely shouldn't still look this bad. Maybe Kou should have done as he'd promised and let Teru take a look at them in case anything was wrong.

Well, he hadn't, and now it's far too late to do that, so he'll just have to live with it as best he can.

He sets his phone down, and as he does so he hears the stairs creak outside, meaning someone's coming up them. It's too loud to be the cat, so Kou assumes someone's coming to their room, but without warning, someone suddenly knocks on the door and scares him out of his skin.

"For God's sake," he hears an exasperated voice say, and he realizes it's Teru. He'd been up here about five minutes ago, and now he's back and Kou still hasn't moved. "How long does it take you to wash up? You've been in here forever."

"I have not been in here forever," Kou calls back, somewhat irritated even though Teru's not exactly wrong to be annoyed at him. He was already in a bad mood from the time he woke up this morning, and his brother isn't helping. "Give me two minutes, you can't wait two minutes?"

"You said two minutes ten minutes ago," Teru complains. "I have a routine and you are messing me up, Kou."

"You're so dramatic, it wasn't even ten minutes," Kou scoffs, closing his phone and sticking it in his pocket. He has to rebandage his wounds and dispose of the old ones so Teru won't find them, so he has to move fast before Teru freaks out. He's incredibly serious about his routines. "It was, like, five at the very most."

"It was ten," Teru insists irritably.

Kou closes his eyes and prays for strength.

The two Minamoto brothers never really had the chance to have an ordinary sibling relationship. Teru spent most of his younger years with his father, and Kou with his mother, and then she'd passed away and their dad had stopped coming home. Them being responsible for their baby sister had forced them into more parental roles, and changed the way they acted around each other almost entirely. Both boys had to mature incredibly quickly due to the unfortunate circumstances, and thus, the two of them almost never fight. When Teru does something that annoys Kou (which is constantly, because Teru is a control freak on the best of days), he lets it slide, and he's certain Teru does the same for him. They just don't have the capacity to have ordinary sibling squabbles the way other kids do.

Unless, of course, both of them start the day off already being in a bad mood for unrelated reasons and start to take it out on each other. It's rare, but it happens, and today seems to be one of those days.

Which is just great.

"I'll be out soon," Kou snaps, fumbling with the medical supplies on the sink. His phone pings, but he doesn't have the time to look at it. "Just be patient and stop complaining."

"I'm not complaining," Teru complains. Kou can hear him shuffling restlessly outside the door, tapping the wall rhythmically with his nails. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. "You're the one being disrespectful of other people's time."

Kou grits his teeth, both with annoyance and with pain as the bandages come into contact with the wounds. "I am in the bathroom, what am I supposed to do, go quicker?"

"I bet you're on your phone," Teru mutters. One, two, three, four. "If you come out of here with your phone in your hand, I'm going to kill you."

For fuck's sake. "I'm not in here scrolling through Twitter or whatever! I'm using the bathroom!"

One, two, three, four. Teru continues his relentless tapping, constantly reminding Kou that he's still there, and the worst part is that Kou knows Teru's not even doing it intentionally to piss him off. It's just something he does, one of his many strange idiosyncrasies that he's had for years. It drives Kou crazy. Teru doesn't even seem to notice how irritating he is sometimes, head in the clouds as always.

Once Kou has finished bandaging himself back up and is satisfied that Teru won't notice when he leaves, he goes to flush the toilet even though he wasn't using it and washes his hands clean. He shoves his phone into his back pocket, taking a deep breath before opening the door to glare directly at the person on the other side.

Teru glares right back. His hair is sticking right up, a surefire sign that he's overslept, which probably explains his rush. He's at least mostly dressed, wearing a white button up and slacks, mismatching socks on his feet and a hole in one of the toes. He's clutching a hairbrush and a bottle of facewash in his hands.

"Took you long enough," he says testily, and Kou has to struggle with himself not to retort, because there is absolutely no point in continuing the argument and putting both of them in worse moods for the rest of the day.

He tries to slip by Teru without saying anything, but then Teru grabs his shoulder, stopping him as he goes by and plucking something out of Kou's pocket with a flourish. His phone, Kou realizes, feeling it leave his pocket as he whips around. Teru holds it up, a smug look on his face as he pretends to smack Kou over the head with it.

"See," he says, in a tone that makes Kou want to strangle him. "On your phone, exactly as predicted."

"Give that back," Kou demands, and snatches it from Teru's hands the second he lowers it enough for him to get ahold of. "You're such a dick, Teru."

"Language," Teru says hotly. Kou sticks out his tongue in response.

""Dick" is not a swear word," he replies snottily. He's aware that he sounds like a toddler, but so does Teru, and he doesn't care anyway. "It's a body part. So there."

"What are you, five?" Teru sneers, as he steps back into the bathroom. "Grow up."

"You grow up," Kou responds maturely, stepping back towards the stairs. "You act like a little kid all the time, so you can't even talk. Go brush your hair, you're wasting your own time now."

"I will, thank you very much," Teru says snippily. "Goodbye."

He closes the door just slightly too roughly, leaving Kou breathing heavily on the other side of it.

The anger fades slowly with nothing to fuel it or take it out on, and he realizes fairly quickly what a stupid fight that was, embarrassment taking him over. He palms his face and sighs. His sides still really hurt, and he kind of feels like shit. He wants to go back to bed.

However, Tiara is alone downstairs, so he goes down to see what she's doing. He finds her sitting at the table in the dining room, eating spoonfuls of cereal and spilling milk across the table every time she brings it to her mouth. She's watching the TV in the living room, craning her neck so she can peer around the doorway and see it. Teru must have already fought and won the battle of getting her to sit at the table and eat instead of on the couch. Clearly, though, he'd lost the war in getting her to eat without watching the TV. At the very least, she's eating without complaint.

"Morning, princess," Kou says, smiling at her. Tiara turns her head, peering up at him with enormous blue eyes. Her hair is unbrushed and tangled. Another lost battle on Teru's part. Internally, Kou sighs.

Tiara sniffles and waves. "Good morning," she says. "What were you and Teru fighting about?"

Ah, shit. He hadn't really been thinking about the fact that Tiara would be able to hear them. "Uh..." he starts, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. His sides sing with pain, and he bites back a wince. "It's nothing, princess, we're fine."

Tiara shoves more cereal in her mouth and continues talking. "Teru sounded mad," she accuses, pointing her spoon at him. More milk flies across the table. "Did you make him mad, Kou?"

Kou sighs and sits across from her, mentally forming a response that'll make sense to a little kid whose family dynamics have never been normal in a way most other people would be able to understand.

"We were just annoying each other a little bit," he tells her, leaning on his fist. "Sometimes siblings annoy each other. It's normal."

Tiara sniffles again and nods seriously. "Oh, ok. I get it. Sometimes Teru is weird. A little while ago, he wouldn't let me walk on the sidewalk or cross the road at all for ages and we had to walk on the grass and I jumped over all the puddles and I got muddy shoes. I liked that, though. It was so much fun."

This story seems to be entirely unrelated from what Kou was saying, which is probably a good thing, because he didn't want to continue explaining. He is slightly curious as to what on earth she's going on about, but Tiara has a tendency to make things up that she swears happened to her, so whenever she says something Kou doesn't understand and isn't overly concerning, he tends to dismiss it as her just being a little kid wanting some attention.

"That does sound fun," he says, grinning at her and pulling his phone back out. "Don't talk with your mouth full though, ok? And make sure you use the wipes in the kitchen to clean up your mess when you're done."

Tiara nods again, mouth full, and offers him a thumbs up as she returns her attention to the TV.

In return, Kou looks down at his phone. He sees he has notifications from his groupchat with Satou and Yokoo, which was recently renamed to cheese wheeze for reasons he hasn't been able to understand yet. This chat's been pretty quiet lately. The other day, Satou had showed Kou a video on his phone and made reference to Yokoo sending it to him and making a bunch of jokes about it. It's nice to know that the two of them still have plenty to talk about in places that Kou's not able to join in the conversation.

fool one (09:12): Satou are you awake

fool two (09:14): Yes i'm awake ughhrhk. ughgjkkj

fool one (09:14): @kou ARE YOU FRER TODAY

fool one (09:15): We're going for food can you come are you busy

fool one (09:15): I am COMING TO YOUR HOUSE if you don't respond within the next TEN MINUTES

He'd sent that seven minutes ago. Kou sighs and starts rapidly typing back. Can't go out, I'm looking after Tiara.

fool two (09:23): Boooooo

fool one (09:23): Boooooo tomato tomato tomato

Kou swallows, suddenly realizing how dry his throat and lips are. He hasn't drank any water lately. He gets up, and hears Tiara continuing to sniffle. When he looks over at her, he sees her wiping her nose with her sleeve, and silently pads into the living room to grab her a tissue before going to the kitchen and filling up a glass of water.

Me (09:26): Sorry. Next time for sure

He thinks about typing why bother inviting me when you clearly already made the plans without me anyway, but doesn't, because that would be petty and childish and Kou is so incredibly mature.

Thumping sounds from the stairs signal Teru's arrival, and Kou busies himself drinking his water as he listens to him fussing with Tiara. It takes a moment for him to fully recognize what they're talking about because he's trying to distract himself. He hears get dressed or you'll be late and your pink dress is being washed, what about -? and promptly leaves the kitchen, clutching his glass to meet his siblings in the dining room.

"Are you taking the princess out somewhere?" he asks.

Teru looks surprised that Kou actually spoke directly to him. "She's going to Shino's," he tells him. He's perched on the seat next to Tiara's, and he's fully dressed now. He has a tie on, too, which is weird. "I'm taking her once she's dressed."

Kou frowns. "And where are you going?"

Teru doesn't miss a beat. "I'm going to Aoi's."

Kou stares at him in disbelief. Teru stares back, unashamed of the most obvious lie Kou's ever been told in his life.

"No you are not," he says flatly. "Where are you going, Teru?"

"To Aoi's," Teru repeats stubbornly. Kou widens his eyes, waiting for further elaboration and getting none.

"Are you planning to marry him?" he asks incredulously. He gestures towards Teru with his free hand. "Look at how you're dressed!"

Teru blinks at the suggestion, but doesn't give. "I like to look nice," he says, and shrugs. "What's it to you how I'm dressed?"

"You look so nice, Teru," Tiara chirps, and Kou only sours further as Teru turns to grin at her, wiping her nose with the tissue Kou brought her. Tiara giggles and squirms, clinking her spoon against the side of the bowl.

"Thank you, princess," Teru coos. "You are radiant as always, of course, but that goes without saying!"

Kou sighs and turns to stare out the window. There are some birds on the sill. He can see Nyoko prowling outside, eyeing them up. Hopefully they have the common sense to get out of there before they get pounced upon.

"When are you guys going out?" he asks, turning back to his siblings.

Teru glances at his wrist, which is empty of anything but his bracelet. He pulls out his phone instead and squints. "Tiara is supposed to be there by ten," he says nonchalantly. "Come on, princess, let's go get dressed and do your hair, ok?"

Kou bristles. "Ten?" he says loudly. "Teru, it's nine thirty! She's not even dressed!"

"Oh my God, relax," Teru sighs, pulling Tiara gently to her feet. "I have her clothes all set out for her, and Shino lives nearby. She's staying for dinner, by the way, so you don't have to worry about cooking for her tonight. I can't say for sure when I'll be back too, but I'll probably grab dinner somewhere else if I'm back late."

Kou could scream. He balls up his fist and speaks through gritted teeth. "No one thought to tell me this? You were just gonna go out and not tell me?"

Teru casts his gaze over at Kou again, looking genuinely puzzled. "Why does it matter if you knew or not?"

Instead of answering, because Kou thinks he'll genuinely go absolutely insane if he does, he goes back into the kitchen to put his glass away and silently heads back up to his room.

He's not trying to stay in a bad mood. He's been doing his best for days to cheer himself up, to relax, to stop overthinking. Unfortunately, every time he closes his eyes, all he can hear is it's all they ever have to say about you in Mitsuba's voice, and then cold shocks go down his spine and he has to physically clap his hands over his ears to try and dispel some of the thoughts gathering in his head. I would know better than anyone.

He paces his room, breathing in and out, slowly, through his nose and out his mouth, the way his mother taught him. It doesn't really work, because every time another thought enters Kou's brain, everything comes rushing back and he has to start over. He feels a little bit sick to his stomach.

He'll have to apologize to Teru later for snapping, but not right now. He's in such a shitty mood that he won't be able to say anything without continuing to be a dick. Really, it's his own fault, not Teru's. Teru isn't trying to upset him. He was just annoyed too, and clearly, Kou was the one taking it too seriously.

Kou is always the one who takes things too seriously.

He'll keep out of everybody else's way while he's in a mood. Once he feels a bit better, he'll talk to Teru. Maybe it's for the best that his family is going out today, because if he had to spend the day with them, as much as he loves them, he might have lost his mind.

(Briefly, he wonders if this is how Mitsuba felt, if he'd done something to make Mitsuba feel this exact way, and he has to sit down and pull his legs up to bury his face into so he doesn't start screaming.)

A knock sounds on his door a few minutes after that. "We're heading out now," comes Teru's voice, softer than before, slightly apologetic. "I'll text you later, ok? I love you."

The childish urge to continue acting like a brat comes to him, but he resists it. "I love you too," he calls back, evening out his voice. "Have a good day."

"You too," Teru tells him, and Kou hears him pad away down the stairs. He wonders if that was intended to be an apology. It doesn't really matter either way.

Kou watches Teru and Tiara leave from his window. Tiara's dressed in a cute blue playsuit under her jacket, the fluffy hood drowning her as she hops down the path. Teru's thrown a heavy black coat over his fancy dress. Kou wonders where he's really going dressed like that, and why he'd lie. He must be hiding something from him.

It shouldn't come as too much of a shock that people close to him are hiding things and telling lies; it seems to be am ongoing theme in his life lately.

He flops down on his bed. Really, he should be getting up to go put some washing in and do the breakfast dishes, but there's a heavy exhaustion weighing him down that he can feel in his bones. It's been there for weeks, maybe months, even longer than it had been since Mitsuba abandoned him at the cinema. Embarrassment wells up inside of him as he thinks about that in particular. The moment when he'd emerged from the line with two bags of popcorn, glancing around for someone that was no longer there, looks of pity being shot from other moviegoers at the poor kid that clearly just got stood up on a date.

- It's like you're in love with me or something!

Ice pools in Kou's stomach, and he digs his nails into his scalp with a groan as he tries to stop fucking thinking about it.

He'd said he didn't mean anything he said, but - come on. Of course he had.

He needs a distraction before he starts going about his day, so he rolls over and watches a Youtube video for a little while to try and get his mind off of things. Nothing really interests Kou that much anymore. Even the analysis of a movie he likes that he's watching isn't helping him pull it together. He's bored and annoyed, and every time his mind wanders to Mitsuba he wants to scream. Nothing is working right now.

Maybe he should go for a nap or something. He is pretty tired.

He's just about to plug his phone in when he hears a knock at the door downstairs. He frowns as he scrambles out of his bed and down to get the door. Teru hadn't told him there was going to be a delivery, but glancing out the window outside reveals a package truck. How annoying.

He goes to get the door, and hears voices outside. He frowns and swings it open to reveal three people on the front doorstep of his house.

Satou, Yokoo, and a buff man with a beard who has an enormous package in his arms.

"Hi, Kou!" Yokoo chirps. "We decided to come round and see you anyway, and this guy was here with a package!"

"What the hell did you order?" Satou says, jabbing his thumb in the direction of the box with raised eyebrows. "Look at the size of this thing, it's terrifying."

Kou meets the delivery man's eyes and grins apologetically. "Sorry if they've been bothering you," he says, without acknowledging the other two. "Do you need me to sign for this?"

Both boys burst into peals of protest as Kou signs for the package and manages to haul the thing inside the door. It's heavy, stupidly so, and he's really annoyed at Teru now for not saying anything about this coming. Thankfully, Satou and Yokoo pull themselves together and help him get it somewhere reasonable, and the delivery guy leaves and pulls off, saying nothing more as if afraid that the boys are going to pull him into further conversation.

"What are you guys doing here?" Kou asks, as soon as he's physically recovered from dragging the box inside. He's surprised, because it's been a while since either of them have come to his house for anything. "I thought you were going out."

"We were gonna," Yokoo grins, stretching his arms out in front of him. He's dressed in a lame yellow jacket and jeans, a red scarf tied around his neck. Kou finds himself staring at it a little too long before Yokoo continues, yawning. "Satou suggested we come see you since you haven't been able to go out with us in a while."

You haven't really been asking me to go out for a while, Kou thinks. It's such a bitter thought, but it's true. For his whole life, Kou has been the kid that didn't get invites to birthday parties or hangouts because everybody already knew he wouldn't be able to go, so they stopped bothering trying to include him. Satou and Yokoo are the first friends Kou ever had who made the effort to come to him when he needed them, to include him every time, even if it was difficult. That had all but stopped within the last couple months. Kou's seen them outside of school a total of three times, and one of those times was when he bumped into Satou at the local supermarket while they were both shopping, so it didn't even really count. Kou had tried not to overthink it, really, he had. Then Mitsuba had gone and ruined everything. You know everyone thinks you're a fucking weirdo, right?

The idea that his two closest friends in the whole world have finally grown sick of him is so nauseating that he actually feels dizzy every time he thinks about it.

"Oh," he says, and laughs, although it sounds false even to his own ears. "Yeah, uh, I texted you before finding out that Teru and Tiara were going out today. He didn't tell me, and by the time he did I kind of figured you guys would have already gone out, so I didn't..."

He trails off, again stupidly embarrassed. He feels like an idiot, being so childish over some silly thoughts he's having. He shouldn't take it out on his friends too. The way Kou's been feeling lately isn't their fault.

At his words, Satou beams, looking excited. "So you're free?" he asks, reaching forward to grab Kou's shoulders and shake them. "You can come out? The stars have finally aligned?"

Kou lets out a startled laugh at his friend's enthusiasm. "I guess so," he says, because he really wouldn't mind going out somewhere just for fun. Maybe it'll help him relax. "If you give me some time to get dressed and move this package, I can probably go out for a bit."

Speaking of the package, Kou turns around and kneels next to it, searching for a sticker tag. Satou and Yokoo both seem to follow his line of thinking and help him turn the box over, groaning exaggeratedly at the weight of it. Kou nearly traps his fingers under it and shrieks, pulling away and allowing the thing to fall the remaining distance to the floor while his friends read the sticker, matching furrowed brows and screwed up eyes fixed on the thing while Kou glances over at them.

"What?" he asks. "What's it say?"

Satou meets his eyes. "It's from your dad."

Kou's heart rate spikes before he remembers, clapping a hand over his heart. "Oh, God, I totally forgot that he was sending over a gift for Tiara's birthday," he breathes. "It's huge, he couldn't have given us some warning?"

Satou and Yokoo make obviously disdainful faces at each other.

"Little late for her birthday, isn't he?" Yokoo scoffs, and Kou nearly laughs at how obvious the two of them are about their hatred for his father. He can't lie and say he doesn't secretly enjoy it, that it's not nice to have people around who are willing to openly acknowledge how awful he is where he and Teru struggle. Neither of them have ever met his father, but, as Satou has claimed before, they "don't need to to know he's a piece of shit." It's funny, because they don't even know the half of it. There are things Kou will never tell anyone about his father, things that have been said to him that he'd be too ashamed to ever repeat.

"He apparently called to say it would be late," Kou explains, which doesn't subdue his friend's expressions. "When I was sick. He called Teru, and I guess he spoke to Tiara then too."

"He didn't call you?" Yokoo says.

Kou shrugs, swallowing hard. "No, but I wouldn't have wanted to talk to him anyway, so it doesn't matter."

"Bastard," Satou whispers, and Yokoo echoes the sentiment, the two of them nodding at each other in unison.

Kou giggles, covering his mouth. The small amount of validation from his friends has already boosted his spirits. He gets up, pushing the end of the box with his foot.

"I'll find out what's in this later," he says, shooting his friends a glance. "If I go get changed, can you guys move it over to prop it by the stairwell? It can be lying down still, it just can't be in the middle of the hallway where someone will trip."

"On it, boss," Satou says, saluting him seriously, and Kou laughs as he hops upstairs and glances over the bannister at the two of them pushing the box away along the wooden floor.

He gets dressed, throwing a jacket on over a t-shirt and jeans and stuffing his raiteijou back into its disguise, just in case. He feels a bit weird leaving the house for extended periods without it these days, especially after the incident with the spider in the forest. He hadn't had the chance to even use his weapon then. Thankfully Mitsuba had been there. He would have been dead in seconds without him.

Thinking about that actually makes it moderately difficult to breathe, so he exits the room and bounds downstairs.

Unsurprisingly, Satou and Yokoo are petting Nyoko. She's come in through the window, and they're both gathered around her, clicking their tongues and scratching her ears. The package has been successfully moved, so Kou takes out his phone and quickly texts Teru about it, just in case he misses it when he comes in later.

"I'm starting to think you guys only come round here for the cat," Kou says teasingly.

Both boys turn to look at him. "Oh, yeah, that goes without saying," Yokoo replies with a grin, standing up and leaving Nyoko on the floor. "We don't even like you, it's just Cat and Tiara that we're here for."

Usually, Kou might find that funny, but not today. He forces a laugh and hops down the last few steps. "Sure, sure. We've got a name for her now, by the way. Her name is Nyoko."

Two identical incredulous looks are shot at him. "Is that so?" Satou asks, following Yokoo to his feet. "What'd Minamoto have to say about that?"

Kou shrugs. "He'll probably keep calling her Cat. Tiara liked it, though."

He'd brought it up to Teru a couple weeks ago, obviously before the incident with Mitsuba. He'd been meaning to tell him too, since Nyoko was a name he picked, after all. Now, he probably won't get the chance. It'd be a bit late to suddenly mention it now.

"Fair enough," Satou says. He tips his head. "We ready to go, then?"

"Sure are," Kou says, and they head out, Kou locking the door behind him.

It's warm enough for a late autumn day so close to December. Kou finds he's able to keep his jacket unbuttoned as they walk down the sidewalk out of the residential area and into the busier area of town, the sounds of cars getting loud enough to almost drown them out. Kou realizes he hasn't been out with Satou and Yokoo like this for a while now. He's been stuck in the house for so long that walking this route again feels almost odd.

"Where are we going?" he asks, raising his voice slightly so his friends can hear. The sidewalk is unfortunately just too small for the three of them to walk side by side, so Kou is often silently delegated to being the one at the front or the back while the other two walk together. It makes it slightly harder to carry out a conversation, for sure. "We're going for food, right?"

"Oh, yeah," Satou calls, craning his neck so he can look back at Kou. "Yokoo wanted to go to McDonalds."

Kou screws up his face. "Seriously? Come on, we can do better than that."

"Oh, can we, Mr Rich Guy?" Satou grins. His eyes thin with mirth. "If you want something better, and by "better," I mean "more expensive," you've gotta help pay."

"I'm fine with that," Kou says, tapping his pocket to make sure his bank card is still there. "Dad sent more money at the beginning of November, and I haven't really been out spending it, so I've got enough left."

Satou opens his mouth as if to reply, but suddenly stumbles over a crack in the sidewalk. He shrieks, and Kou reaches out to catch him, but Yokoo is faster. He grabs Satou's wrist, steadying him, and Satou laughs at his own near accident before glancing up at Yokoo with a grin on his face.

"Whoopsie," he sings, and sticks out his tongue.

Yokoo doesn't reply for a moment. He also doesn't let go of Satou's wrist. For a moment, they just look at each other.

Then they pull away from each other and continue on like nothing just happened.

"What was that?" Kou asks in a light tone, although he's actually confused. If he wasn't mistaken, he'd seen something unhappy flash across Yokoo's face before letting go, and he thinks he might be missing something, now. Had the two of them had a fight or something?

Satou glances back at him, forcing a grin. "Nothing, nothing," he says, poking his tongue out again. "Just me being silly. So, if not McDonald's, Kou, where do you suggest? Guide us somewhere better, oh man of great taste, tell us what you're craving today."

Kou swallows, feeling the same awkward unpleasantness from earlier sink in. It's worse, now that he's with people. Now that he's with his friends. Every thought that crosses his brain is screaming, this is stupid, go home, they don't actually want you here, and he has to ignore it because he knows those thoughts are ridiculous. He knows he's being stupid and immature. However, no matter how much he knows something is ridiculous, he can't physically stop himself from thinking it.

Instead of McDonald's, Kou takes them to a KFC, and they manage to snag a table amongst the hustle and bustle. It's even next to a window, which is lucky. Kou can see people wandering by outside, lots of snow patterned gift bags being hauled around by exhausted looking adults, takeaway cups of steaming drinks clutched in any available free hands and hats covering chilled ears.

"Those women over there are glaring at us," Yokoo giggles. He and Satou are bundled next to each other, Kou sat alone across the table. "I think they wanted this table."

"Too bad, oh, so sad," Satou says in a mock-sympathetic voice, then makes a face that sends the other two into fits of laughter.

To order, they'd have to leave the table, so they play rock-paper-scissors to see who has to fight the crowds in the lines. It's a thrilling battle, but eventually Kou loses, and the other two cheer and flip him off as he gets up and drags himself out of his seat.

"You guys are dicks," he says, screwing up his face. "I'm telling them to put extra onions on both your orders."

He smiles to himself at their yowls of protest while he goes to order.

The smile quickly fades, however. It's loud and overstimulating in here, and Kou can't help but vaguely think about the fact that even if he did ever want to take Mitsuba somewhere like this, it would never work. The supernatural's never been amongst a large crowd before, and it's stupidly busy in here on a Saturday. He'd pretend like it was fine, but he probably wouldn't be able to handle it. Just another little thing to remind Kou how ridiculous his life is.

The thought of inviting Mitsuba out somewhere again after last time makes him feel nauseous.

He glances back at the table, and sees Satou and Yokoo with their heads together, watching something on Yokoo's phone. They have bright grins on their faces, cheeks flushed. Satou's hand is on Yokoo's wrist, gently, just laying there. When Yokoo throws his head back to laugh at something, Satou stares at him instead, the smile never leaving his face.

"Uh, excuse me?" he hears, and Kou snaps around with the realization that the man behind the counter has been calling for him to come up and order.

Face beet red, he apologizes and does exactly that. Once he's done, he steps off to the side and checks his phone. Teru's texted back.

Teru (10:44): For God's sake.

Teru (10:44): I'll let you know what it is later. I won't be able to pick up for the next few hours, ok? Love you.

Kou wonders why Teru wouldn't be able to pick up if he's just at Aoi's, which he clearly isn't. He's barely even trying to pretend anymore. He just can't fathom why Teru would ever feel the need to lie to him.

He lets out a sigh and tucks his phone away. Surrounded by so many people, he suddenly feels very small.

By the time their order number is called and Kou brings it back the table, Satou and Yokoo seem to be fully immersed in a Youtube video or something. Thankfully, they take the headphones out when he comes back over and put them away.

"Thank God," Yokoo says, reaching across the table for his fries. "I'm starving."

"No, you definitely are not," Satou teases, poking his side. "You ate, like, five waffles while you were waiting for me to get ready this morning."

"I couldn't help it," Yokoo whines. "Your mom is such a good baker."

Kou's eyes widen. "Oh my God, you had Satou's mom's waffles? I'm jealous. Satou, when are you baking for us next, huh?"

"You greedy bastards!" Satou cries, smacking Kou's hand away when he reaches for his milkshake. "You cook, I bake, when is Yokoo gonna be expected to provide something? What do you bring to this friendship, Yokoo?"

Yokoo pokes his cheek with his fingertip. "I'm the eye candy!"

"Oh, as fucking if!"

Within minutes, they fall back into routine. They're still talking even as they eat, and Kou almost gets to feel normal. It's been a long time since he's felt that way. Without Satou and Yokoo around as much, he's spent more time with Nene, Hanako and Mitsuba than anybody else, and his relationship with them is nothing close to normal. Right now, he could forget everything else. It's all he could really ask for.

Until, of course, he has to remember.

"Ok, so Kou," Satou says. He swallows his food, already diving his hand back into the box of popcorn chicken. "We need to talk about that Reddit post now that we're together again."

Kou groans, palming his face. "Do we have to?"

The two of them had messaged him about the post he'd made about Mitsuba, which Kou had really hoped they wouldn't. They're never active on there, so he'd hoped they'd never see it. He'd promised he would tell them about it next time they met up. Now he's wondering if that's the only reason they wanted him to come out with them together. The thought latches onto the insecurities in his brain and burrows inside.

"Why does it matter?" he whines. The faux annoyance does a good job of masking his real discomfort. "I mean, why do you guys wanna know so bad?"

"'Cause someone was being a dick to you," Yokoo says, leaning on his fist. "Me and Satou will beat them up for you, if you want. I went to, like, one boxing lesson when I was six or seven, if you need my credentials."

"So who was it?" Satou presses, leaning forward with wide, dark eyes. He stares at Kou seriously. "You sounded pretty upset about the whole thing, so we wanna know who did that shit. Is it someone we know?"

Kou swallows, taking another bite of his burger. "It's not," he says, which is technically true. While they knew Sousuke, they never will be able to meet Mitsuba. "Can't we just leave it? You guys weren't supposed to see it anyway."

"We follow you," Yokoo points out. He adjusts his scarf, and again Kou's eyes are drawn to the familiar shade of dark red. "If you didn't want us up in your business, you should've made a burner or something. That's what everybody on Reddit does when they want to complain about something anonymously."

Kou rolls his eyes. "Well, I couldn't be bothered with that. It's just someone I know, ok? It's all over and done with now anyway."

Satou and Yokoo exchange curious looks. "Seriously?" Yokoo says, nibbling on the end of a chicken wing. "What, did you cut them off or something?"

"Also, since when did you know people that we don't know?" Satou jumps in. He casually smacks Yokoo's hand away as he also reaches for Satou's milkshake, not taking his eyes off of Kou. "Your circle of friends is literally just us and that older girl. What's her name, Yoshino?"

"Yashiro," Yokoo corrects him, mouth full. "We still wanna be introduced to her, by the way."

Yet again, his friends are making jokes that ordinarily wouldn't hurt Kou, but do today. As if he needs a reminder that he has no other friends. His mood instantly sours.

"Why?" he asks, hoping to change the topic. "She won't be interested in either of you, if that's what you're after, sorry to break it to you."

Satou and Yokoo's eyes briefly meet, and a small giggle escapes Yokoo's mouth, which he promptly muffles by shoving more chicken in his mouth. "No," he says, "it'd just be nice, since she's your friend too. Maybe we could get along. Does she like sweets? We could definitely win her over with sweets."

"Girls like sweets," Satou agrees. Then his eyes widen. "Wait, Kou, she's not the one that post was about, was it? Surely she can't be, she looks so nice!"

"She's not," Kou confirms, his stomach stirring with anxiety. "It's - it's someone who goes to another school, just don't worry about it."

Unfortunately, his friends keep pressing. "Which school?" Yokoo asks. "Surely not Negishi?"

Satou raises his eyebrows at the idea. "If any one of us would be friends with one of those fancy, rich, private school bastards, it'd be Kou. Weren't you guys supposed to go there, Kou?"

The questions are starting to become annoying. "Who cares?" he says desperately. He glares into his sauce. "Some guy I know was a jackass, and then he apologized, so it doesn't matter anymore. I'm fine, and I don't care about it anymore. I just made that post 'cause I was mad at him and I wanted to be validated for being mad at him."

He goes quiet, realizing he was being slightly louder than he meant to be. Satou and Yokoo say nothing for a moment.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Yokoo asks, to break the silence.

What a good question. Why didn't Kou tell Satou and Yokoo about Mitsuba? Well, first of all, they don't fully understand the concept of supernaturals. They know about Kou's dad and about the business he conducts, and they don't question him bringing his raiteijou from place to place even though they've seen it out of its disguise tens of times. However, they've never seen a supernatural. They don't know that people can become ghosts after they die. They especially don't know that a ghost can be turned into a broken monster, and that that broken monster can be manipulated into the image of the ghost whose mind he bears, but who is no longer that same person. Mitsuba as a concept would be impossible to explain. On top of that, telling them what horrible things had happened to their quiet, innocent looking classmate after he'd been hit by a car and killed might be too much for their minds to handle.

Secondly, he can't explain his and Mitsuba's relationship without explaining everything, including all of Kou's internal feelings that he's kept locked away for years and years and told absolutely nobody about ever. He doesn't think either of his friends would hate him for it, but he has the horrible fear of them being weird about it, of them changing the way they think about him because he likes people differently than they do. It's something that terrifies him to think about. The idea of being looked at like he has something wrong with him. The idea of people knowing, the idea of people assuming. It makes him dizzy just imagining it. His own friends could think he's disgusting.

Even if Mitsuba wasn't a guy - or whatever Mitsuba is, gender-wise, he'd never really got back to Kou on that one - he's still a supernatural entity. Kou's feelings are abnormal and wrong either way.

Mitsuba is an impossible case. Nobody else in the world besides Mitsuba himself will ever be able to understand the true extent of their relationship.

It's like you're in love with me or something!

Kou clutches his stomach. He feels kind of sick.

"I don't know," he replies softly. "I just didn't. Sorry."

Both Satou and Yokoo rush to tell him he doesn't need to apologize and quickly change the topic, clearly recognizing it as a sore subject and giving up on getting more details. It still doesn't leave Kou's mind for long after.

They walk him home a couple hours later, and Kou finds Teru already at the front door when he gets in.

"I saw you coming," he says with a too-tight grin, and Kou immediately recognizes that something is wrong. It can be difficult to tell with Teru, but when he's upset about something, he winds himself up to max like a toy, every action exaggerated and over the top, smiling too hard and too wide, compensating for the pure emotion bubbling under his skin. Kou watches as Teru waves lightly, eyes flicking from Satou to Yokoo. "Satou, Yokoo, a pleasure to see you again."

"You as well, President!" Satou says in a serious tone, and Kou would laugh at how formal they always are around Teru if it didn't seem like something else was going on.

"Brought him home nice and early, sir," Yokoo says, pushing Kou forwards and nodding his head. "He was very well behaved, I promise."

Kou shoots him a dirty look while Teru laughs, voice pitched higher than usual. "That's good to hear," he says, crossing his arms over each other. "Thank you for getting him home safe. It's greatly appreciated."

Both boys brighten at the praise. "Of course!" Satou says, and grabs Yokoo's wrist, bowing his head. "See you at school, Kou, we'll text you later!"

Yokoo echoes the goodbye, and Kou follows suit too. He watches his friends disappear into the darkness, then turns his head to meet Teru head on, already dreading the news.

Teru's smile is so wide it could split his face. "Watch your step when you come in."

Kou wonders what that's supposed to mean until he steps inside and is accosted by the sight of their father's birthday gift for Tiara.

It's an enormous pink princess castle. It takes up over half of the back wall by the stairs, which Kou can see Teru has cleared out space for by pushing away the table that was sitting there, alongside all the many assorted knickknacks that were strewn across it, several of which have fallen onto the floor. The violet towers reach high up to meet the bannisters on the staircase. There's a huge entryway, big enough for Tiara to fit inside. At its size, she could probably stand in it if she ducked her head.

As Kou is taking this in, jaw on the floor, Tiara comes crawling out on her hands and knees. She's changed into a pink nightgown, and has a pointed hat on that Kou recognizes as an old Halloween costume accessory. She's grinning wide, so wide her eyes almost disappear into her face.

"Kou!" she shrieks. She staggers to her feet and runs to him, tugging his sleeves. "Kou, Dad sent me a fairy princess castle! It has seats on the inside where I can have snacks, and it came with a fairy wand, and it has lights, but Teru didn't have batteries so he's gonna go get some tomorrow!"

Kou meets Teru's eyes above Tiara's head, but only for a brief moment before the older boy turns his head and storms off into the kitchen without another word. The air crackles with the promise of lightning.

"It - wow, it's awesome," Kou says weakly. He immediately understands why Teru's mad. If he thinks about it for too long himself, he might get there too. For now, there's a more pressing matter. "Uh, princess, why is this in the living room and not your bedroom?"

"Doesn't fit in my bedroom," Tiara explains breathlessly. "Teru says it probably could, but he'd have to rearrange my room and he didn't have time tonight 'cause he has to patrol, but I really wanted to see it all set up so he spent forever and ever and put it together for me so I could see it! So tomorrow, tomorrow Teru's gonna move my room around and find a place to put it, and it's gonna look so cool, I have to invite all my friends over to play with me in it, we're gonna have a tea party and it's gonna be so cool!"

She squeals, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet, and Kou forces out a laugh and a few more half hearted compliments on the thing while his mind races. The thing is huge. Does their dad not even remember what their house looks like anymore? He hasn't been home in almost a year now, so it wouldn't be a huge shock if maybe he remembered it being bigger. What was he thinking?

At least Tiara likes it. She gives him a tour, showing him where she's tucked all her toys away, making him crouch to sit on the little plastic benches, and all the while, Teru is eerily silent. Kou doesn't know what he's doing in the kitchen that's taking so long, but he hasn't come out or made a sound. The longer it takes, the more Kou feels the need to go out and check on him.

"It really is so cool, princess, I love it," he says, for the umpteenth time. "I'm gonna go see Teru, ok? I'll be back, you just stay out here and play."

"Ok," Tiara beams. She holds up her Barbie doll, waving its little arms. "But then you have to come and play with me."

Kou internally winces, but bobs his head obediently. "Ok," he says, wistfully saying goodbye to his evening. "I'll be back."

He heads into the kitchen with all the caution of someone approaching an active bomb.

Teru is standing at the sink, but he's not washing anything. He's leaning against the counter facing the window, but his eyes are closed, arms crossed against the surface. Kou comes closer warily, biting the inside of his lip when Teru doesn't move an inch.

"He-ey," he says timidly.

Teru opens his eyes, but doesn't look in his direction. Kou stands next to him in front of the drying rack, staring out the window at the neighbour's house over the fence. The windows are dark there.

"So," he starts. "What a... thoughtful gift."

This seems to be what causes Teru to remember himself and spring back into action. He moves so suddenly that Kou startles, heading immediately to the fridge and moving around some vegetables so he can put away shopping that Kou hadn't even noticed was sitting atop the table in the centre of the room. His expression is entirely unreadable.

"So thoughtful," he says, tone too chipper. Kou swallows harshly.

"You hate it," he states.

Teru still doesn't look at him, heading back to the shopping bags for more items. "Why would I?" he says. "It's a gift for Tiara, not me."

"It doesn't matter," Kou says, watching him carefully as he goes back and forth. Teru has a specific process for unpacking groceries, and Kou had long since learned not to interfere with it or Teru would lose his mind, so he doesn't offer to help. "It's huge, and ugly, and it's in the living room, and Dad was the one who sent it."

"It doesn't matter who sent it," Teru says lightly. "It's a nice gift. Isn't it, Kou? Such a nice, thoughtful gift."

Kou shifts his stance, fighting the urge to start picking at his nails as the tension in the room only grows. "Yeah," he says. "Except it's not, though."

Teru stills where he's crouching in front of the fridge. Kou inhales and continues. "It's expensive looking, sure, and probably did cost a lot, but it's a shallow gift that he didn't put any thought into aside from the fact that we call her "Princess" and she likes girly things. He doesn't know anything about her interests or what she really likes, because he's not here. So you're mad because he got her something that she really likes without bothering to put any effort in to find out if she'd like it, because he just assumed, and now that ugly thing is her favourite birthday gift even though we put way more thought into ours."

Teru is silent for a long time.

"You're looking too deeply into it," he chirps, when he eventually does speak again. When he gets to his feet again, he's beaming, eyes glittering dangerously. "It's a good gift. She loves it. Good job, Dad, for getting the perfect gift."

The bitterness is seeping into his voice, now, marring his even tone. Kou sees Teru squeeze his eyes shut, readjusting, his hands shaking as he pulls the milk out of the bag.

Kou stares at the tips of his slippers. "He didn't even remember my birthday."

A pause. "Yeah," Teru murmurs. "He didn't."

"Too close to New Year's to remember," Kou continues, quoting exactly what their dad had said when he'd texted Kou, three days too late. He doesn't bother hiding his own bitter tone. Teru knows damn well how he feels about Dad.

Teru shudders and nods his head. "Yep."

The silence stretches on as the last of the refrigerated groceries are packed away.

"Sorry I was snippy with you earlier," Kou whispers. If there's ever going to be a time to say it, it's now. "I've had a shitty day."

"Language," Teru says, as if on instinct. "Hundred yen in the swear jar."

Kou mimes emptying his pockets, nothing in any of them.

"It's easier to pay for things by card," he says, when Teru shoots him a deadpan look. "It's not like you give me cash, Dad sends his money by bank transfer."

"I'm going to set up a bank account specifically for the purpose of being a digital swear jar," Teru mutters. He rakes his hair back, exhaling softly. "Don't laugh. I'm serious."

Kou covers his mouth with his hand, biting back giggles. "I know you are," he says, voice muffled. "That's what makes it so funny."

Teru rolls his eyes, and folds up an empty shopping bag. His eyes stayed fixed on it while he speaks. "I'm sorry too," he says. "For the record. I was also in a bad mood today."

"Really," Kou says, raising his eyebrows. Relief fills him, now that they're no longer fighting over petty, childish nonsense. "What a shocker. Never would have guessed."

"So disrespectful," Teru muses, shaking his head in Kou's direction. "What did you and your friends get up to today, then?"

Kou shrugs, kicking his feet against the tiles. "We had KFC. Walked along the waterfront. Looked at the store windows. You know, everything there is to do in Kamome."

Teru grins, and this time, it looks less forced than the ones from before. "There are things to do in Kamome. There's a cinema. There's a... well, there's a cinema."

Kou lets out a laugh, and Teru follows suit. Outside the door, Tiara shrieks with mirth, clattering her dolls against the tower. Kou watches Teru's face sag, as if he'd just remembered.

"Forget about it," Kou says firmly, and finally heads across the room to stand next to Teru. He punches his arm lightly and smiles. "Your gift was infinitely better than that ugly plastic monstrosity, and she doesn't care about you any less because you weren't the one to buy her it."

Teru's gaze softens. Kou knows, deep down, how important Tiara's approval is to him. When Kou cooks or braids her hair or has her clothes washed on time, she appreciates it, and makes it known. The things Teru does for the family are far less visible. That's why he strives to make sure he can take her places, spare enough time to spend with her, better himself at doing the things she loves so he can bond with her. Teru cares for her a great deal. They both do.

People talk about how much lamer you are than your brother. It's all they ever have to say about you.

Kou blinks. Once again, Mitsuba's made his way to the front of his mind against his will.

Teru doesn't seem to notice his inner struggle. He just reaches out and ruffles his hair. "I know," he says, and heads over to the cupboards to put the last of the shopping bags away. "I love you both, you know that, right?"

Kou smiles. "Of course I do."

He watches Teru tidy up. Everything in the exact order he wants it to be. Teru has always been like this.

"How was Aoi's?" he asks softly.

Teru stills. "Fine."

Still lying to him, it seems. That's ok. Kou will just have to learn to accept that.

Chapter Text

"Ok, so the story so far is that we have Barbie and Eliza, and they're sisters. Eliza is married to this guy, Tommy, and they got married when Tommy brainwashed Eliza with a special spell that he got from the witches in the woods, who are actually my bunny plushies over here, see, Kou? So the witches are trying to recruit Barbie to be one of them too, but they needed to get Eliza out of the way, because she's a threat and she was keeping Barbie away from them. Then there's San - this is San, Kou. She's one of Barbie's enemies. She's friends with Sophie, and Kiki, and - and - where's Chihiro? Kou, are you sitting on Chihiro? Kou, you're probably squishing Chihiro with your butt!"

"What?" Kou says, coming back to the present as Tiara shrieks. "What, I'm not sitting on anything! You don't think I'd notice if I was sitting on a plastic doll?"

"Chihiro's not plastic!" Tiara yells. She leaps up and starts frantically searching the shelves full of toys, pushing Kou aside slightly too roughly to peer between the seats. "She's cloth, Kou, you dummy, like Sophie and Kiki and San! You're not paying any attention! Kou, get up, your fat butt is in my way!"

Kou has to really, really try not to lose his mind laughing as he gets to his feet, crouching awkwardly so he can leave Tiara's castle and stand straight again. "It's not polite to call people's butts fat, Tiara," he says, in as serious a tone as he can manage. "Can you see her now that I've moved?"

"No!" Tiara wails. She throws down her other cloth dolls, climbing on top of the seats and whining softly. "I took her upstairs with everybody else! She's got a brown ponytail and a pink outfit and she's the same size as Kiki and San and Sophie. Kou, can you go see if Teru has her? I can't continue explaining my game if we don't have all the characters!"

"Of course I will," Kou says, secretly grateful for any excuse not to have to try and understand Tiara's slightly concerning spiels of made up stories anymore. Tiara always gets so upset if he messes up a minor detail when he's playing with her, and it can put her in a mood so easily. "Give me a few minutes, I'll go downstairs and have a look."

Kou is currently in Tiara's room. He'd awoken incredibly early today to hear Teru groaning and clattering around outside, and emerged to see him bringing the disassembled princess castle up the stairs, alongside all of Tiara's other various toys. Once she'd awoken, he'd disappeared into her room for a few hours while Kou was tasked with taking Tiara to the park, and by the time they'd returned, Teru had completely rearranged Tiara's room to make space for the castle.

He'd even moved one of her shelves. It's slightly asymmetrical now, three of them crammed into too small a space, but it looks like it was the best Teru could do on such short notice. He'd done a good job of it. Tiara had thanked him profusely and immediately roped Kou into playing games with her inside it, which is where they're at now, with one of Tiara's dolls having gone missing somewhere in the process of hauling everything upstairs.

He leaves Tiara to her search and bounds downstairs. It's quiet, and for a moment he thinks Teru must have gone to his room or the shops without saying anything, but then he sees movement behind the TV stand. Teru is on his hands and knees fiddling with cables, holding one in his mouth and several more in his hands. His hair is standing on end like an angry cat.

"That doesn't look safe," Kou says, and Teru nearly falls into the wall turning around to look at him.

"What doesn't?" he says, mouth full of cable.

Kou taps his lips, and Teru blinks, reaching up to take the cable out of his mouth. "Oh," he says. "Forgot that was there."

"What are you doing?" Kou asks.

Teru swivels to sit down properly and sighs, dropping all the cables into his lap. "The TV stopped getting signal this morning, so I rerouted everything, and apparently I've done something wrong, because now there's no picture. There's audio, just no picture. So if I can't figure this out, we might have to become a podcasts-only family from now on."

Kou raises his eyebrows. "Oh, that sounds great. I love podcasts. I definitely need to hear some fifty year old guy tell me why he thinks World War Three is gonna happen next week."

"Podcasts aren't all political," Teru scoffs, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "There are good ones. I'm listening to one about racecar driving right now."

Kou shoots him an incredulous look. "Of course you are."

Teru pouts. "Ok, did you just come down here just to make fun of me or what?"

He had almost forgotten. "Oh," Kou says. "I'm looking for Chihiro."

Teru's pout turns into a look of confusion. "Uh... oh, Tiara's doll?"

Kou nods. "She's very upset that she's missing."

Teru stretches and pulls himself out from behind the TV. "Is she down here still?" he asks. "I swear I moved all of her stuff this morning. I don't know where she would have gone. What does she look like again? Is she the one with the red bow?"

"No, that's Kiki," Kou says, and frowns. "You've seen Spirited Away, you should know who I'm talking about."

"Uh..." Teru grimaces and doesn't finish his sentence.

At this, Kou lets out a laugh. "Right, I forgot that you're incapable of staying awake through a full movie."

Teru bristles. "Untrue."

"Name one movie you've finished all the way through in the last six months," Kou dares him.

Teru presses his lips together and stays silent.

"Exactly," Kou says triumphantly.

"Ugh," Teru groans, shaking his head. "My little brother is so mean to me..."

It's nice that they can both talk to each other normally again. Kou had worried that they'd be weird around each other after yesterday, but it seems that after apologizing and shit-talking their dad, they'd officially made up. It's better like this. Kou hates being angry at Teru. He's just been in such a bad mood for the last several weeks.

He sets about looking for Chihiro. The living room isn't that messy anymore, so there's only a few places to look. He peers under the couch and the armchairs with his phone torch, peeks behind the bookshelf, wades through the pile of stuff on the table by the stairs. No sign of a small, plush doll. He's starting to think maybe Tiara really did just lose her within the princess castle somehow, and maybe he should go back upstairs to help her look, just in case.

"Do you feel any better today?"

Kou blinks, turning around. Teru isn't looking at him - he's adjusting the TV screen, a frown on his face and a few more cables in his hands. It's a fairly innocent question, but the tone he's said it in is too light, like he's physically attempting to make it sound that way.

"I... suppose, maybe," Kou says. He pushes aside boxes of photographs and Mom's old sewing, looking for a plush doll amongst the mess. "I'm not sick or anything. I was just annoyed."

"I know," Teru says. Kou hears something click, and Teru makes a noise of dissatisfaction before continuing. "You said you had a fight with your friend, right?"

Kou stiffens. He hadn't meant to, but he'd been really upset directly after the incident with Mitsuba, and had accidentally let it slip that he'd fought with someone while he was ranting about it. Teru had comforted him, and hadn't asked any more questions while Kou was crying, but it seems that now he's intent on getting more information out of him.

"Yeah," he says. "It's - it's fine, it's not a big deal, we figured it out."

Teru hums. "It wasn't Satou or Yokoo, was it? Since they were here yesterday."

"It wasn't," Kou confirms, uncertainty stirring up inside of him. "Teru, leave it alone, I'm fine. Really."

There's a pause.

"If it had anything to do with Number Seven -"

"It doesn't," Kou says, in a pleading tone. He digs his nails into his palm, eyes bearing into the table. "It doesn't. You're just looking for any excuse to exorcize him, aren't you?"

Teru sounds slightly amused when he next speaks. "I make that no secret."

Kou huffs. "It's just... I don't want to talk about it."

"Ok," Teru relents. "Ok."

Kou ducks under the table. There are piles of boxes down here that never got moved up to their parent's room, alongside stacks of old photo albums that none of them touch. No sign of Chihiro here.

"I just want to make sure you're alright," Teru says, and Kou freezes. Teru's tone is indecipherable. "You've seemed unhappy lately. I just want to make sure you're... that you're fine."

Kou swallows, throat dry. "Yeah," he says, "yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?"

"Well, uh..." For some reason, Teru sounds less sure of himself the more he speaks, which is so out of character for him that it sets off alarm bells in Kou's mind. "I know we talked about it afterwards, but I was worried that you were still upset about our argument. I feel like we haven't been talking very much lately, when usually you're always telling me what you've been up to with Satou and Yokoo or how you've been doing in your classes. So since you've seemed a bit sad, I thought maybe it was my fault."

Kou's heart pounds. He can't make himself move.

I never expected you to be any real help in this fight.

You would be so much more helpful to me back at home cooking dinner or something.

...Because you're weak, Kou!

"It's not your fault," Kou says softly.

You're annoying, Kou. You're clingy, you're loud, you're pathetic. You think yourself so cool, don't you, waving your stupid staff around like a little kid even though you can't do anything with it.

"It's just me," he continues. "I'm the problem."

People talk about how much lamer you are than your brother. It's all they ever have to say about you.

"So don't worry about it," he finishes, and gets back to his feet. He feels dizzy, the blood pumping through his veins at rapid speeds. "I'm always fine, and I don't care what anyone thinks about me. Even you."

He breathes in and out. He can hear Teru doing the same behind him.

"It kind of sounds like you care," Teru says softly.

Kou huffs, tightening his hands into fists. "I don't. If you see Chihiro, let me know. I'm gonna go see if she got stuck somewhere in Tiara's room while you were moving stuff around."

He heads for the stairs, too embarrassed to look back and meet Teru's gaze. He can feel him looking at him as he goes up. However, as soon as Kou gets far enough up the stairs that he can't see Teru anymore, he stops, remembering something he needs to ask.

"What do you want for dinner?" he asks steadily.

"Um," Teru replies, sounding surprised. "Uh... I don't mind. Ask Tiara, I'm not fussy."

Kou doesn't reply. He just heads the rest of the way upstairs. On the landing, he pauses to take a breath, hiding his face in his hands while he pulls himself together. The last thing he needs is for Tiara to notice something's wrong and ask Teru later why he was upset.

Not that he's upset. He isn't. He doesn't care what anyone thinks about him.

Not that Teru thinks he's weak, or that Hanako thinks he's naive, or that Mitsuba thinks he's pathetic. Not that everybody thinks he's useless. Not that even his own closest friends are growing sick of him.

He doesn't care about any of it at all.

The bell overhead rings, and Kou lets out a relaxed sigh of relief. He hates his English class, so he's spent the last fifteen minutes staring at his paper in total confusion while the teacher droned on at the front of the class. He'd like to get to learn how to speak English, of course. It'd be useful to know, especially if he ever got fully into the exorcism business and managed to even leave Japan for work like his father. He just sucks at making the knowledge stick in his head.

He packs his things away, but before he's even done, Yokoo is bounding towards his desk. "I'm so fucking sick of verbs and adjectives," he says breathlessly, and dumps his stuff on Kou's desk. He had seemingly scooped all his loose papers and books up so he could talk to Kou while he put them away. "Did you understand literally any of that? I sure as hell didn't. I just need to know if I'm the idiot, or if it was just genuinely confusing."

"I don't get it either," Kou admits, zipping up his bag and swinging it over his shoulder. "The second exams start again, I'm doomed. Then everyone will expecting me to do well because Teru's gonna do well, and I'm going to probably tear my hair out."

"Oh, I get it," Yokoo says darkly. He zips his bag too, neatly catching his finger in it when he goes too fast. "My parents are like that about Minami. If I don't get a good passing grade in seriously fucking everything, I'm getting put in the doghouse."

"Why are you getting put in the doghouse?" Satou asks, appearing around the other side of Kou's desk with his bag already on. "You guys are talking about exams already?"

"Well, this is an important year for them," Kou says, reaching out to flick Satou's nose. "We're gonna have to be super well prepared."

"Yeah, you don't have any prodigy older siblings to get compared to, Satou, so you stay out of this," Yokoo says teasingly. He grins in Kou's direction. "This is a me and Kou thing. You're not invited to this conversation."

"Man," Satou whines dramatically, slumping his shoulders. "I'm being excluded. And it's because you hate me."

Yokoo nods seriously. "Oh, you know that's why."

They head out, while Satou gets distracted and starts explaining some internet drama that Kou is entirely unfamiliar with. He's so tired that he can't stop himself from yawning, although he tries to hold it back. He just hasn't been sleeping a lot lately. He tries, but he finds himself having weird, unpleasant dreams, and wakes up in a hot sweat, tangled in his blankets. Even now, he doesn't feel that great. His chest is tight, lungs constricted, similar to how he's felt for the past several days.

It's weird, because nothing new is happening. He's just leaving class with his friends. He just feels so on edge for a reason he can't explain.

"I'm so glad the student council meeting got cancelled," Yokoo is saying, when Kou snaps back to the present. He yawns, stretching his arms above his head. "I'm tired, I didn't wanna go anyway."

"Why'd it get cancelled?" Kou asks, eyebrows furrowed. Teru's the one who organizes those things, and he doesn't know why he would have done that. "Did you get told why?"

"Nope," Yokoo says. He shoots Kou a look. "I thought you'd know, if anyone. Is your brother busy or something?"

Good fucking question. Is Teru busy? Clearly, he wouldn't have told Kou if he was. An awful feeling roils in his stomach, hot and unpleasant.

"Dunno," he mumbles, and starts down the stairs, clinging to his bagstrap with white knuckles.

He can practically feel Satou and Yokoo looking at each other. It's frustrating, so fucking frustrating, that he's feeling like this. He'd like to think that he's making up scenarios in his head, that he's overthinking about nothing, but unfortunately, Kou has every reason to be thinking like this. Mitsuba had said it himself. Teru is lying to him, and clearly Satou and Yokoo have something going on that they aren't telling him about. It feels like everything is wrong, like everything is against him, and he hates feeling like this. There isn't even a single person he can talk to about it, because even Nene, the one person who might not hate him, has her own issues going on that Kou doesn't want to worsen with his childish nonsense.

"Hey, Kou?" he hears, and turns around to see Yokoo at his side. He has an uncertain look on his face. "Are you all good?"

He must have made it too obvious that something's up. "Yeah, I'm fine," he says, pushing through the doors and bounding down the stairs to his locker. There's still a bunch of students milling around, taking their time changing their shoes and putting their jackets on. "Sorry if I'm being weird or anything."

He clicks open his locker. In the light, he can dimly see his face reflected off of the metal interior of the door. He wonders if this counts enough as a reflective surface that Mitsuba would be able to see him right now. He almost hopes he can't.

"It's fine, you're not," Yokoo dismisses, opening the locker beside him. The three of them being assigned lockers beside one another is part of why they'd started talking and become friends in the first place. It's usually pretty awesome, except for right now, when Kou wants everyone to just stop talking to him. "I just, uh... you seem kind of down lately, so I figured I'd ask."

"Yeah, if anything's wrong, you can always come to us," Satou jumps in. He grins, sitting down to change his shoes. "We're pretty much the best advice-givers on the planet, so if you need any, the two of us are right here, man."

He clumsily smacks Kou's arm and almost falls off the bench.

Kou manages to crack a grin at this, sitting down beside him with raised eyebrows. "Uh huh, if you say so."

Once they're changed, they head out into the cold air. Kou shivers, but it feels somewhat good to get some fresh air. It's so stuffy inside the school during the winter, what with the heating being cranked up a ridiculous amount and with so many students crammed together. Kou also guiltily feels relieved when he's outside of Mitsuba's watch. It's not so much Mitsuba's fault, but he hates the feeling that he could be being watched at any moment without him knowing.

Satou and Yokoo are silent. It's not completely unusual for that to be the case, but it's odd enough that it makes Kou worry. Maybe they're just adjusting to the temperature change.

"So, uh..." Kou says, into the silence. "Tiara has a club and I don't need to pick her up for another hour. Do you guys wanna go for a snack somewhere? I'll pay if you broke losers don't have any money."

He expects a laugh at that comment, but gets nothing. When he glances back, Satou and Yokoo are looking at each other, uncertain looks on their faces. That sick feeling wells up in Kou's stomach again.

Satou notices him looking and visibly stiffens. "Uh... yeah, that - that sounds good. Do you wanna come with us to Agawa's? I was just thinking how much I could go for some -"

"Wait," Kou says, suddenly confused. "Were you guys already going?"

"I think we mentioned it earlier at lunch," Yokoo quickly jumps in. "We just forgot that you were free today, Kou, you're usually so busy, but that's fine. Anyway, I did some extra stuff for my mom recently and I got extra allowance, so I'm happy to pay if -"

"Are you guys upset with me or something?"

The words come out of Kou's mouth before he even gets the chance to think about them.

Regret immediately overtakes him when Satou and Yokoo stop walking, clearly startled, in the middle of the school yard. Students mill around them as they leave, chattering amongst themselves, paying no attention to what's going on.

"I - I, uh -" Yokoo starts, stammering slightly as he tries to form words. "Kou, what do you mean?"

He hadn't wanted to start this now, really, he hadn't. But it feels like everything in Kou's life is boiling over, and if there was ever a good time to give up the ghost and admit he knows something is going on, it's right now. When Satou and Yokoo, his two best friends, had forgotten Kou's schedule and hadn't even bothered to ask before planning to go out without him.

He shoves his trembling hands in his pockets, staring right at the two of them. "There's clearly something going on with the both of you," he says, and they both flinch, like his words physically hurt them. "I don't know what, but you're just - going off without me all the time, forgetting to ask me if I want to do things or just not asking me regardless of whether you remembered, and you're talking to each other privately instead of in the chat we always used to talk in, and - and I don't know, guys. It kind of seems like you're cutting me out and I can't figure out why."

He breathes out, shivering, and Satou and Yokoo look like they've been punched in the face. Kou hates this more than anything.

Yokoo visibly swallows, then speaks. "Kou, we don't... we aren't upset with you. You're our best friend."

"Then what?" Kou asks desperately. It feels like he's in the hallway with Mitsuba in front of him again, begging for an answer, any answer. "What is it? Just tell me, I can handle it, whatever it is. What's going on that's making you guys act so weird about everything?"

He looks to Satou, who still hasn't spoken. He stiffens when Kou's eyes land on him, and glances helplessly towards Yokoo, so tense he looks like he's about to burst.

The silence that follows is all the answer Kou needs.

"I'm gonna go home," he says, voice shaking. "So, um, if you guys wanna talk about whatever this is at any point, then, uh... let me know. You know where I'll be."

He turns around and walks off. His heart is going so fast his chest hurts.

He heads all the way home in a trance. He's so out of it that he doesn't even think to turn on his music until he's through the front door of the house and he realizes how empty and silent it is.

Teru's not home. Tiara's not home. Mom and Dad haven't been home in a very, very long time.

He can't even go up to his room to cry like he wants to, because he has to leave the house in another forty minutes and if he lays down on his bed, he might never get up again.

He just sits in the living room, staring at the TV - which Teru seemingly managed to fix the picture on - until it's time to get Tiara and bring her home.

He doesn't get up for school the next day.

Kou never skips school, ever, but he just doesn't have the energy to go. He makes Tiara's and Teru's breakfasts, and he gets her dressed for daycare, but he doesn't bother dressing himself or even doing so much as brushing his hair. He doesn't want to make it a big deal, either, but then Teru comes downstairs in his uniform and is clearly startled to see Kou not ready.

"You're going to be late," he fusses, which is funny, considering that Kou's usually the one saying these exact words to Teru. He rushes over to Kou at the kitchen table, placing his hand over his forehead. "Why aren't you dressed? Are you sick? Is my darling brother dying?"

Tiara gasps, and Kou shoots Teru a look. "I'm fine," he mutters, moving his head slightly so Teru's forced to take his hands away. "I just have a headache, and I'm really tired, so I don't want to go in. You don't need to worry, Tiara's already dressed, she's just finishing eating and then she's gonna go brush her teeth, right, princess?"

"Mhm!" Tiara hums with an eager nod. However, she looks slightly concerned. "Kou, you didn't tell me you had a headache! I could've made my own cereal!"

Despite the circumstances, Kou's heart melts at his baby sister's kindness. They really are raising her right. "You don't need to worry about doing stuff like that until you're older, princess," he tells her, ruffling her hair. Besides, the last time she'd made her own bowl of cereal, there had been an incident involving an exploded two litre carton of milk that Kou would rather not repeat. "Thank you, though. I appreciate it very much."

Tiara beams, and Kou finishes helping her get ready. He's so tired, and wants to go back to bed straight away, but he at the very least wants to be responsible in the way he's relied on to be, to be useful the way people know he can be. It doesn't take long, and Tiara isn't as fussy as usual, sitting still to allow Kou to twist her hair into pretty twin braids and thanking him politely with a smile when he's done.

Teru has almost nothing to say, which is definitely unusual, but Kou doesn't have the energy to figure out why. He ushers the two of them out of the door, waving goodbye. The second they're both gone, he's able to drop the facade and let out a soft groan, staggering back up the stairs and flopping face first back onto his bed.

He's not necessarily lying about the headache. He does have one, although it's not bad enough that it's worth staying off school. However, he is so exhausted, and it's probably worth catching up on some sleep, which he makes a start on immediately, curling up in his blankets and passing out.

When he wakes later on, he doesn't feel that different, or even well rested at all. It's a start, at least. He gets up, shrugging on a jumper to stave off the cold. Briefly, he mourns the nice blue jumper that Mitsuba had stolen from him. He wonders where that went, if the supernatural even still has it. He's tempted to go to him and ask for it back.

He heads downstairs to make himself something to eat, but stops halfway down the stairs, because someone is sitting on the couch in the living room.

It's Teru. School tie undone, legs pulled up to his chest and piles of papers scattered around him. He has his glasses on, and is peering at a paper he's reading, a frown on his face as his eyes flicker up and down the text.

"What are you doing here?" Kou says aloud.

Teru blinks, then glances up at him. "You're up," he says, instead of answering. He sounds pleasantly surprised. "What are you doing?"

"I asked you first," Kou says crossly, and bounds the rest of the way down the stairs so he can come closer to Teru and glare at him. "You're supposed to be in school, Teru."

"So are you," Teru replies, without missing a beat. "I stayed off because you weren't well. I wanted to keep an eye on you."

Kou swallows, annoyance welling up inside of him, but not at Teru. He should have realized that Teru was asking far too few questions this morning to be normal, but he'd been so focused on getting Tiara ready that he'd only been relieved that Teru wasn't causing him problems. He's irritated at himself, because Teru is missing a day of school for essentially nothing at all and it's Kou's fault. He should have just manned up and gone in anyway.

"I'm fine," Kou snaps, and storms off into the kitchen where he can get a moment to think.

Unfortunately, Teru doesn't get the memo, and immediately gets up to follow him, leaving his mess of papers behind. "You're clearly not," he says lightly. "You hate staying off school. Every time you get sick, you cry about it, but not because you're unwell, just because I make you stay off school."

Kou flushes. He reaches into the cupboard to find a pot noodle or something, but there's nothing, so he throws open the next one to look there. "Teru, stop fussing," he pleads, wishing he would just go away. "It's nothing to do with you."

"What's nothing to do with me?" Teru asks.

Crap. "It's - it's - I'm just -"

He freezes, staring into the depths of the cupboard. Teru had literally just gone shopping and there's nothing. Kou's mouth is suddenly very, very dry.

"I'm not sick," he whispers. It feels like an admission of guilt. "I'm sorry. I just didn't want to go into school today."

He waits for Teru to get mad at him. It would be completely understandable - Teru hates staying off school just as much as Kou, although Kou thinks for him, it's more because of the cracks in his routine than actually wanting to be in school. Surely, he's about to snap. Surely, he's going to have something to say about it.

Kou hears Teru's sock feet pad across the room and tenses before a hand comes down, gently, on his shoulder.

"I figured," Teru says softly. "You usually wouldn't want to stay off unless you were projectile vomiting. But clearly, something is going on with you that's made you want to stay home, so I'm still looking for an answer to the question of "what's wrong with you, Kou?""

Kou opens his mouth, but no sound comes out. He clicks the cupboard closed, turning around to face his brother, feeling slightly dizzy for no reason at all.

"I don't -" he starts, and then loses the words he wanted to say. "I, uh... I don't... I don't know."

It's the truth. The real truth. Kou doesn't know what's wrong with him.

He's felt like this even before everything happened with Mitsuba. It's a horrible, sinking feeling, this completely all encompassing sensation that everything is wrong. That everyone is suddenly against him, that nobody can stand to be around him, that he is doing something wrong just by existing. Mitsuba had, obviously, made that about ten times worse, and his apology hadn't helped, quite frankly. In fact, Kou feels awful admitting it to himself, but he's still angry at him, even now.

It's like Mitsuba had somehow pinpointed every single one of Kou's biggest insecurities and torn them to shreds. It makes sense - he's the Hell of Mirrors, after all, it's his job to take a person's most personal fears and turn them into weapons, to make them real. However, Kou had never expected to be on the end of that. Not again. Not on purpose.

Being hated by everyone, being compared to Teru, being in love with Mitsuba...

The idea that Mitsuba knew about Kou's crush on him and had used it against him is so painful that Kou can't bear to think about it.

Especially not now, with Teru in the room. He feels like his older brother might be able to read his mind. Might be able to sense Kou's feelings and know who they're for. Teru would be repulsed by him if he knew.

Everybody would be. Kou's feelings are disgusting.

Kou is disgusting, just in general.

Teru is still holding his shoulder. Kou wants to curl up and disappear forever. His brother is so kind, so understanding. He wouldn't be if he knew.

"Sorry," he says breathlessly. "I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me."

Every day since his father started training Teru and leaving him behind to do the housework, since a boy in Kou's first grade class caught his eye in a way no one else he wanted to be friends with ever had, since he'd started growing up and realized that other people don't feel the same way that he does, he's wondered what's wrong with him.

Why can't I just be big and strong enough? Why can't I like a girl like Dad wants? Why can't I use my raiteijou without burning myself? Why can't I do everything? Why can't I be good enough for anyone? Why am I so small and weak? Why wasn't I born powerful like Teru? Why did no one ever see any potential in me? Why can't I be perfect too?

Kou feels like he's cursed. He'll never be like Teru or his father. He's broken, born small and disgusting, and he's unfixable. Some kind of mistake.

These are the kinds of thoughts Kou has been trying to stay away from allowing to take root, but he's ruined everything for himself, now, and he can't think about anything besides how flawed he is.

Teru frowns. He comes closer to him, expression unreadable, and pulls Kou closer. Kou's heart is beating a mile a minute.

"Alright," Teru says softly. "Do you wanna sit down for a bit?"

Kou lets out a shuddering breath. "Uh - I, uh - I was gonna make lunch, but there's no - uh -"

"Let's sit first," Teru insists, and gently pulls Kou away to sit with him at the kitchen table. They fall into seats next to one another, and Kou wonders what Teru's about to say to him. He looks so serious all of a sudden.

Kou shivers. The heating hasn't been on today and he's so cold.

Teru rakes his gaze over Kou, examining him as if he's looking for something. Eventually, Kou can't take it and speaks up. "What? What's wrong?"

His older brother blinks, eyes widening. "Ah... sorry. I was just... thinking."

Kou opens his mouth, but before he can speak, Teru reaches out and pushes hair off of his face, his touch sending sparks across Kou's skin.

"Kou," Teru starts. "You've been sad lately, haven't you?"

Kou looks up at him. Teru's eyes are soft and unhappy looking.

"I guess," he says quietly. He drops his gaze. Teru's bright eyes always make him look so intense, too intense to handle. "It's nothing - it's not your fault. It's not."

"I worry so much about you," Teru tells him. "So, so much, you know that? I'd do anything if it meant you'd never be sad again."

Kou's lower lip trembles. He doesn't answer.

"Take on anything," Teru continues. He holds Kou's face in his hands. They're cold and callused from heaving that enormous spirit blade around. "Any person, any monster. You know you're so important to me, right, Kou?"

Kou can't get words out anymore. "Mhm."

He sees Teru smile, just briefly, before the corners of his lips drop. "Kou, if something was wrong, you would tell your big brother, right?"

What a question. When Kou was very little, he used to tell Teru everything.

Teru! I wrote a story at school today and the teacher read it to the class because it was so good! Teru! This boy at school said I'm a liar about being an exorcist! Teru! I missed you at school today, when can I go to middle school too?

Almost everything. Even as a seven year old, Kou knew having a crush on a boy wasn't normal. He'd never told a soul about that, fearing judgement, fearing his father finding out. Everything else, though, Teru knew about. The two of them built blanket forts and napped together in them, and Teru would steal Kou sweets from downstairs when he hadn't eaten his vegetables and wasn't allowed any, and Teru would protect Kou from the bullies at school so they would never say a word to him again.

It wasn't until Dad started noticing how Teru slacked in his training when Kou was around that he put a stop to that, and for a couple years, Teru and Kou were as far apart as anyone could possibly be.

They'd never fully mended that bond. Kou had never gone back to telling his every secret to his smart big brother, who had so much life experience and who knew the answer to everything.

Kou sniffles. His eyes are pathetically wet all of a sudden, and nothing's even happened. He doesn't know why he's so incredibly sad.

"I don't know," he whispers, as his vision blurs. "I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm sorry."

Without warning, Teru pulls him into a hug. He's solid and warm. His arms lock around Kou's back, and distantly, Kou remembers a time that this meant safety, that his brother holding him meant nothing in the world could hurt him. He remembers a more recent occasion in which Teru holding him, pinning him against the side of a train in the water, meant the opposite of that. It makes this moment difficult to comprehend. Kou doesn't know what he should be feeling right now.

"I know everything might feel complicated and scary," he hears Teru say, breath warm against his ear. "You might be sad for reasons you don't understand, or feel emotions that you don't believe are yours, or even think thoughts that aren't something you actually believe. Does that sound about right?"

Kou shivers again and nods, because it does. It sounds exactly correct.

Teru's grip tightens around him, and he exhales. "Ok," he says. "Can you describe how you're feeling for me, Kou? However much you can, ok?"

Kou stiffens, surprised. How is he supposed to do that? His thoughts are so personal and confusing. He doesn't want Teru to get the wrong idea.

However, maybe, just maybe... it'd be nice to tell Teru things again.

"I wish I was more like you," Kou whispers, and he feels Teru flinch. It only makes Kou want to get closer to him, burying his face in his neck. "I wish I was stronger. Nobody ever believes that I'm strong, or even that I'm capable at all. It's like I've always been in your shadow. I know - I know everybody thinks it. Everybody thinks that you're incredible, and that I'm nothing. I feel like I've always been nothing. I can't help anybody, I can't do anything, and Dad is right, I was a mistake, I'm not the way I'm supposed to be."

"Dad said that?" Teru asks, an urgent tone in his voice. "When did Dad tell you that, Kou?"

Finally, the tears escape Kou's eyes, soaking into Teru's school shirt and ruining the white fabric. "I don't - I d-don't - I shouldn't -"

"Kou," Teru says firmly. "Please."

Kou hiccups, hiding his face away. He can hear Teru's heart beating in his chest.

"The last time Dad was home," Kou whispers. "He didn't mean to be cruel, he said it while he was laughing because he thought it was funny - he told me that me and Tiara must have come out the wrong way, because I was clearly supposed to be a girl and she should have been a boy. I was washing dishes, and he said - "you'll make a good housewife someday, while our princess runs the family business." He was laughing. He thought it was a really funny joke."

There's a moment of silence. Humiliation takes Kou over, causing sobs to wrack his body as he remembers his father's hand on his shoulder, his laughs echoing throughout the room even after he left, new insecurities being implanted in Kou even before his father had finished speaking.

That same night, Kou had cried himself to sleep. It wasn't his father's fault - no, it was entirely his own. Kou believed then that he had been born wrong. Skinny and weak like a girl, soft spoken like a girl, polite like a girl, neat like a girl. He took up all the feminine household tasks and did them well without complaint while the men of the house never stepped in once. He looked after his mother and he saw himself in her every second, up until the last night she was home.

He remembers his mother holding Kou close against her chest in the dark one night while Teru and their father were downstairs, whispering to him: I hope it isn't a girl. I can't stand the thought of her replacing me after I'm gone.

Like she'd known what was going to happen to her. Maybe she'd known, deep down, what would happen to Kou, too.

"Fuck," Teru whispers suddenly, and Kou startles at the unexpected language coming from his big brother. "That fucking bastard."

"Teru?" Kou squeaks. He tries to sit up, but Teru doesn't let him. He holds Kou close, hiding his own face away from Kou's gaze. His heart is thumping wildly.

"I'm sorry," Teru says sincerely, emotion heavy in his voice. "Kou, I'm so sorry that he said that to you. I'm sorry if you believed it."

"He's not wrong, really," Kou replies lightly, trying to make a joke of it before realizing how that could be interpreted. "I mean... he is wrong. I'm not a girl and I don't want to be. But maybe - I was born wrong. I'm not Minamoto enough. Dad always said after Tiara was born that he could tell she'd grow up to be the strongest exorcist of all of us. He never had anything to say about me."

"He didn't know what he was talking about," Teru says firmly. He brings a hand up to Kou's hair and holds his head against Teru's shoulder, running across his scalp. "Our father is a sexist bastard who's stuck in the 1800's and hates the idea that any of his kids could have been born different. It's ok not to fit his expectations. Even I can't. Even I never will."

There's something that sounds like grief in Teru's voice for that last sentence. Kou wants to ask why, but he finds the words stuck in his throat.

Instead, he shakes his head. "I just wish I was good enough," he admits, so softly his words are hard to hear. His voice shakes with the effort to keep it steady in the wake of his tears. "I wish Dad would've appreciated me, and I wish the kids in elementary were nicer to me, and I w-wish I was just the same as everybody else. I want to be the same as everybody else. I hate being whatever I am. It makes me miserable, and I - and I h-hate who I am sometimes. I want to be anybody else. Sometimes I - sometimes I even wish I -"

He doesn't know how to finish that sentence.

Sometimes he wishes he was never born? Sometimes he wishes he could die and no one would miss him?

That's far too dramatic, and besides, Kou doesn't think it's true. He would want people to miss him when he died. He doesn't want to die now, without having achieved anything.

When Mitsuba had told him how angry the world made him, how he wished everyone would just die, he remembers thinking: At the very least, I could grant just part of your wish.

"What?" Teru whispers. "You wish what, Kou, what?"

He sounds almost - scared. Kou hates hearing Teru sound like that.

"I don't know," Kou sobs. He's dizzy, terrified of his own thoughts. Of what might have happened to him if Mitsuba hadn't saved him when he jumped that day. Would he have died for real, in that picture perfect world? Would it have been so bad? "Teru, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm so upset."

Teru lets him cry against his shoulder. He's shaking, really shaking. Both of them are.

"Kou," Teru says, his fingers brushing against the back of his neck. "Do you remember anything about how Mom passed?"

Kou blinks. He hadn't expected that to get brought up somehow. "I - what do you mean?"

Teru exhales sharply. "Mom was ill," he says. "I don't know how much you remember. She spent almost all her time in bed, and she was very weak, and she didn't have the energy to do very much. Do you remember why?"

Memories swirl through Kou's mind, vague and unhelpful, providing him with no useful information. "...No, I don't."

Teru doesn't think he's ill too, does he? Kou had already said he isn't. He clings to his brother's shirt, rumpling it beneath his fingertips, and waits for him to finish speaking.

He hear Teru exhale.

"Mom was -" he starts, then cuts himself off and tries again. "Mom had depression, Kou."

Kou goes still in Teru's arms.

Then he sits up, pushing himself away. Teru looks very serious, eyes darker than Kou usually sees them.

"That doesn't make any sense," Kou says softly, shaking his head. "Depression is a - it's a mental illness, right? It can't make someone physically sick. It can't make someone die."

Teru's gaze flickers, looking nowhere in particular. "It can," he says. "Besides, she wasn't just depressed. There were... other things. Mom was struggling with a lot, and it was hard for her, it really was. It was hard on Dad as well. That's why he was out of work for a while. He was looking after her."

Kou is still processing all this, taking it in. Searching his memories for some kind of sign, something that will make him understand. He sees his mother weak and frail in bed, but still smiling whenever Kou was around. He hears her humming along to music in the kitchen as she taught him how to bake the perfect macrons. He feels her hands brush against his face, lifting the corners of his lips into an easy smile.

"You -" he tries, voice breaking. "You're worried about me, because Mom -"

"Things like this can be genetic," Teru jumps in, eyes large. "The things you were talking about could very easily be - related to this. I worry about you a lot, Kou, and I don't know what you have going on that you might not be telling me about, but if there's any chance I can help you out, then - then I'd like to be there for you."

Kou sniffles. He's trying desperately not to cry again, but just thinking about his own younger self bringing his mother bowls of peeled oranges and begging for her to get better when in reality, she wasn't suffering from an illness she could recover from, is breaking his heart into a hundred pieces.

"I love you," Teru continues, when Kou doesn't answer. "So much, Kou. If you think that this is something serious -"

"I don't know," Kou interrupts breathlessly. "I don't think - I don't know. I haven't been feeling like this for very long. I've just been having a lot of - a lot of bad days, and everything that happened with the Severance and Number Six was so much to deal with. So I don't know if there's a bigger reason behind it. I'm sorry I worried you. I'm really, really sorry, Teru."

"Don't be sorry," Teru replies quickly, taking Kou's hands in his. "Kou, never be sorry for something like that. I love you more than anything, and I'll be here for you no matter what, ok?"

No matter what. A memory stirs at the back of his mind - I'll always be here for you, Kou, no matter what.

His mother had told him that. The space she left in his heart aches painfully.

No matter if I love a supernatural, and one who's not a girl, at that? Even if I've betrayed all of our family with my actions? You'd be there for me then still, too?

Kou shakes. He inhales and exhales, calming himself down. Trying to convince his body that he's not in danger anymore.

"Ok," he whispers. "I love you too."

Teru stares at him intently. "If you ever feel like - if you ever need me, for anything, you know where I am."

Kou knows what he's saying with that. If you ever feel like you shouldn't be here. If you ever need someone to talk you down.

"Ok," he repeats. This time, when he smiles at Teru, it's real. "Thanks, Teru."

Teru smiles back, and for a moment, everything is calm. It's the most peaceful Kou's felt in a month.

Then he remembers. "Teru, you didn't buy any ramen, did you?"

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice before I had the chance to go out again," Teru admits, rubbing the back of his neck. "You wanna come with me to the shops? We can get some snacks, too, as long as you don't tell Tiara."

Kou nods, grinning at the thought of spending the rest of the day relaxing and eating chocolate. "Sounds great."

"Fantastic," Teru says cheerfully, getting to his feet. "Give me five minutes to get changed so I don't get in trouble for truanting and then we can go."

It's like a weight off of Kou's shoulders. Even though he still has a lot to be worrying about, especially now, Teru has always made everything feel easier.

The door rings later that evening, not long after Teru's picked up Tiara from daycare.

"I'll get it," Teru announces, which is obvious anyway, because Kou's busy setting the table for dinner. They used to have a huge routine for this, but they stopped not long after Dad left. Now, it's just three placemats and three sets of forks and spoons. "Tiara, stay in the living room, I don't know who it is."

Tiara hums from her spot on the couch. She has all her plush dolls in her lap, excluding Chihiro, who they still haven't been able to locate. Fairy is taking her place right now, eyes glued to the TV screen. Tiara is also watching it absently, bouncing Kiki and Sophie around and singing under her breath.

Kou heads back into the kitchen, ready to dish up the curry he made to distract himself, before Teru wanders back in and pokes his head around the corner.

"Hi," he says, in a low whisper. "So it's Satou and Yokoo."

Kou's heart rate spikes, and he nearly drops his serving spoon. "What -"

"I told them I don't know if you're here," Teru says, grimacing lightly. "I thought you might not want to talk to people right now. If you do, they're still at the door. If you don't, I'll tell them you're out. It's entirely up to you."

Barely managing to relax, Kou's shoulders slump. He has an out, if he wants one. Really, he's not ready for this conversation, and maybe he never will be. However, he had told his friends to come see him whenever they were ready. Clearly, that's now.

"It's fine," he says, and manages a grin, albeit a weak one. "I'll be right there, I just need to grab my jacket and raiteijou."

He darts upstairs, heart racing. His room is cold, and he shivers as he pulls his jacket over his shoulders. The anticipation of finding out why Satou and Yokoo are here is nearly unbearable. He's half tempted to go back on what he'd said to Teru and pretend that he's not here.

He has to remember it's just his friends. It's just Satou and Yokoo. They aren't cruel people. If they have something unpleasant to say to him, Kou probably did something to deserve it.

Ugh. He absolutely has to stop thinking like that. He's just terrified that if he stops believing it, everything he's afraid of coming true will happen.

He heads back downstairs, raiteijou in hand and jacket zipped over his t-shirt. Teru is standing at the bottom of the stairs next to the front door, back to him. Kou can hear Satou and Yokoo, although it's hard to make out exactly what they're saying. His breathing stutters slightly.

Forcing himself the rest of the way, he pads across the landing and taps Teru on the shoulder to signal him to move aside.

He does. Satou and Yokoo stare back at him. They're in their uniforms, schoolbags hanging off of their shoulders. It's hard to tell what they're thinking, but Kou notices the way Satou's shoulders stiffen when he looks at him. He tries to relax, hands shoved in his pockets and raiteijou underneath his arm.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey," both boys echo back at him.

Teru glances between them both curiously, but doesn't say anything about it. "Alright," he says instead, clapping his hands together. "Don't be out long, ok, Kou? I'll leave your dinner out for you."

Kou smiles up at him, a rush of gratefulness taking him over. "Thanks, Teru."

He heads outside with the other two in tow, and hears the door click behind him. He winces at the sound. No going back on this now.

He exits the yard, and waits for Satou and Yokoo, allowing them to guide the way.

Yokoo grins at him awkwardly. "We won't take you too far. I just figured you wouldn't wanna talk with your brother around."

"Good choice," Kou admits, and follows behind.

He realizes fairly quickly that they're going to the park just around the corner. The three of them hang out there sometimes when they're bored, given that there really is very little to do in Kamome without having any money to spend. There are often older kids who come here too, drinking and smoking and leaving terrible smells in their wake. Whenever they're here, the rest of them know they're going to have to go somewhere else.

It's empty right now. Yokoo immediately heads for the swings, hopping onto one on the end and pushing himself off with complete nonchalance, kicking his legs in the air.

Kou spares Satou a glance. His friend is pale, clearly tense for one reason or another, and doesn't look back at him.

Blood thrumming in his ears, Kou heads over to plop into the swing beside Yokoo's. He doesn't start swinging, and just pushes himself on the tips of his toes, staring at the rubber tiles on the ground.

Eventually, Satou joins them, and the three of them are silent for a long moment.

"So," Kou says, realizing that no one else wants to break the silence. "What's, uh, going on?"

He looks to Satou, who looks across at Yokoo. Yokoo chews his lip, knuckles tight where he's clinging tightly to the chains holding up the swing, as if he could possibly be flung off of them without warning.

"Good question," Yokoo replies, voice cracking. "Uh. We're not mad at you for anything. It's - it's not that."

Kou swallows, breathing slow. "Ok," he says, and laughs nervously. "If - if something super serious is going on -"

"It's not something like that either," Yokoo interrupts. His voice is pitched high, and he's looking anywhere but directly at Kou. "I mean, it's nothing you need to be - like, worried about. It's just - uh. Uh, it's not - uh. S-sorry, just trying to, uh, think..."

Hearing so much anxiety in his friend's voice is physically painful. "You don't have to tell me," Kou blurts out. Suddenly Mitsuba is in front of him, crying so hard he's hysterical, and all Kou wants is for everything to go away, to give up on knowing why he was hurt if it just means everyone else is happy and they can all be friends again. "If you don't want to, if it's something you don't want to talk about, you don't have to."

Somehow, Yokoo looks even more upset at the prospect of this. "No, no, it's - it's fine!" he says, waving a hand around to dismiss the notion. He's trembling, and Kou is terrified. "We agreed, we wanted to - to t-tell you, so -"

"Yokoo and I are dating," Satou suddenly says.

Both Kou and Yokoo turn to look at him. Satou's eyes are fixed on his shoes, but after he speaks, he turns slowly, shoulders meeting the bottoms of his ears, to look at Kou. He looks completely serious, more so than Kou's ever seen him.

Still, he has to ask, because the idea of this is just not sticking in Kou's head. "What," he says disbelievingly, "for - for real?"

"Yeah," Satou says. His voice is shaking, although it's clear he's fighting to keep it steady. "I - yeah."

Kou looks to Yokoo, eyes wide. Yokoo flinches when Kou turns his head, a small gasp leaving his lips, but he nods, affirming Satou's words.

Satou and Yokoo - his two best friends - they're dating. They're dating each other. This is taking Kou so long to process that he doesn't even know how to speak.

"S-so yeah," he hears Yokoo pipe up nervously. "We didn't - we didn't mean to start leaving you out of things, genuinely. We were just - everything was super new, and - and we wanted to do all sorts of things since we could all of a sudden, and you - we weren't thinking. We didn't think about how it would look to you, who didn't know, that we were suddenly doing everything together without you. I wanted - we wanted to tell you."

"It was my fault," Satou says, and the grief in his voice goes right through Kou's heart like a knife. "I wasn't - I wasn't ready to - to say - or to - so - so, uh, sorry. Sorry about that."

It suddenly occurs to Kou that he should say something, anything. The nerves in Satou's voice are too much for him to bear.

"Don't be sorry," he says breathlessly. He still hasn't fully comprehended it. It's still not sunk in. "I didn't - I didn't know."

"That was on purpose," Yokoo says, and lets out a strangled sounding laugh. "S-sorry. We wanted to tell you, really."

Kou swallows. "Uh... why didn't you?"

He probably shouldn't ask. It's probably not appropriate. But he has to know.

Satou turns away, the chains rattling with the sudden movement. "My family don't know," he says softly. "This is all super new for me especially, and I hadn't told anybody except for Yokoo before because I knew he was bisexual. I didn't want anybody to know. I was - kind of terrified for people to know."

This is so surreal. Hearing the word bisexual leave his friend's mouth - it feels like Kou's slipped into an alternate timeline.

"Yokoo has Minami, at least," Satou continues. He tightens his fists in his lap. "I'm my family's only child. And I'm not - I'm not bisexual, either. There's no chance of me giving my parents grandkids, that's for sure. I know that they're - on the outside, they're cool with the gay stuff, but I don't know how far that - how far that goes. Like, would they still be ok with it if their own son turned out to be gay, or will it suddenly be a problem? I - I don't know. So I didn't want anyone to know. I was hoping for a while that it would just go away."

Kou's lips part slowly. He'd never thought it possible that anyone else could understand. Now here is Satou, explaining his thoughts as if he'd plucked them from Kou's head himself.

"We didn't know if you were gonna be cool with it," Yokoo admits. He's shaking, although Kou's not sure if it's from the cold or not. "With your - your dad and all. Regardless, Satou wasn't ready to tell anybody. He wasn't even going to tell me. It was just a lot of coincidence, and - yeah."

Kou inhales and exhales sharply. His mind works slowly, the words he wants to say not coming to mind.

"How long -" he starts, then swallows. "How long have you been together?"

Yokoo bites his lip, one fingernail digging underneath another. "A couple..."

Kou raises his eyebrows when he trails off.

"Weeks?" he suggests, even though even as he says it, he knows that's not the answer.

"Months," Satou jumps in, voice wavering. "It's still kind of new. Yokoo wanted to tell you."

Kou doesn't say anything at all.

"He's been out to his parents for a while," Satou continues, sending a jolt through Kou's chest. "Longer than we've been together. They're cool with it, but - but he made the decision, when I confessed to him - that he'd wait to tell everybody else just for me, in case people figured it out. He wanted to - to t-tell you about it, but I wasn't ready, so we didn't. I'm s-sorry, Kou, I know how it must have - must have c-come across. I'm sorry."

Kou doesn't know what to say.

He's struggled with his own sexuality all his life. As much as he's tried to deny it for years and years, before his mother had died and his father had left, he'd known he was different. He'd known, based on the things his father had said, that he was wrong. He was born incorrectly. And although he doesn't agree with his father that he and Tiara should have been the opposite genders, sometimes he wishes that were true. If he was a girl, then his interest in boys wouldn't be a problem. His skills in housekeeping and the way he mothers his siblings wouldn't be a subject of ridicule. The fact that he wasn't trained the same way Teru was would have a perfectly reasonable, albeit sexist, explanation. The eldest Minamoto daughter, who looks after the house when the men aren't home, has no need to know how to exorcize supernaturals.

Unfortunately, Kou is the way he is, and he can't change it. He's never been able to, from the first moment that he looked at a boy and his heart skipped, from the moment he'd first felt jealousy when that same boy got a Valentine's card from a girl that everyone knew he was interested in. Kou was born wrong, like his father had said.

Once, when he was very little, he'd gone into his mother's room and curled up with her in bed and whispered a question to her in the dark.

"Mama," he'd asked, so quietly she would have had to strain to hear it. "Would I be wrong if I didn't like girls, and... liked a boy, instead?"

Back then, he has no idea what his mother must have been thinking. She was clearly tired, and with the added context of what she'd been suffering from that Teru had given him, it must have been a difficult and complicated question to answer. However, she hadn't made it seem like this was the case. When she'd answered, it was like it was easier than breathing.

"Oh, Kou," she had told him, clutching him closer to her with grey-blue eyes glinting in the dark. "You're perfect, no matter what, and never let anybody tell you otherwise."

It had been exactly what he'd needed to hear. But then she'd continued, and her next words stuck with Kou forever, no matter how much he'd wished he could dismiss them.

"Kou, don't tell your father or Teru about this," she'd advised softly. A gentle hand had reached out to push his hair off of his face. "I don't know for sure that they would understand like I do, ok?"

Kou had nodded in agreement. He was too young to know anything. Too young to know that there were more people than just his father who disagreed with the way that he was, that the world was full of people who would despise him for it. Thinking back, Kou knows his mother's words weren't intentionally harmful. In fact, they, too, were likely everything that he'd needed to hear. He doesn't know what he might have done or said to anybody else after getting his mother's approval, or what would have changed in a universe where his father had found out.

That doesn't change the fact that that warning from his mother had terrified him for all of his life up until now, and why he's never spoken a word about what he is to anybody. Fear of rejection. Fear of being looked at with disgust. Fear of being ostracized, fear of people he loves more than anything like Satou, Yokoo and Teru looking at him like a broken thing that they don't want anything to do with anymore.

It hadn't been difficult, figuring out Mitsuba was gay. He didn't make any effort to hide it - as a supernatural who'd never experienced human things like discrimination, he had no reason to. But it was strange - it was the first time in Kou's life that he'd liked a guy, and found that there was a possibility he could be liked back, even if it was faint and vague and Mitsuba hadn't ever showed a drop of interest in him.

Until he kissed him, that same night that he stole his jumper. I just wanted to know what it felt like.

If it counted, that was Kou's first kiss. He still isn't sure if he should count it or not, given how chaste and unreciprocated the contact was. Either way, it changed everything for Kou, whether Mitsuba knew it or not.

Which it seems like he might have, if it's like you're in love with me or something was anything to go off of.

Regardless of whether his feelings for Mitsuba are reciprocated or not - regardless of whether he'd ever like him back the same way - Mitsuba is the first openly gay person Kou has ever known, up until now.

Up until now, when Kou's best friends have just come out to him.

He's even less alone than he'd always thought he was. It feels like a puzzle piece sliding into place.

"Kou?" he hears, and startles at the sound of Yokoo's voice. His tone is pleading, and when Kou looks at him, his eyes are huge, lips quivering, and it's so obvious how scared he is. "You're not - you're not really saying anything, so - is this cool? Like, are you ok with this being a thing? Just spit it out, we'll - we'll be fine whatever you say."

Of course, that's not true at all. Kou would know better than anybody.

"Sorry," Kou whispers. "Sorry, I was thinking - of course I'm cool with it."

He hears an audible sigh of relief from Yokoo, and something that sounds like a sob from Satou. When he looks at him, he's covering his face with his hands, exhaling cold puffs of air to dissipate in the darkness.

"Fuck," Satou says, relief clear in his tone as he scrubs his eyes. "Fuck, Kou, you terrified me, I didn't know what you were going to say."

Kou manages to crack a grin, feeling his own eyes dampen. "Sorry - sorry, I didn't mean to be cryptic, I was just -"

He stops. Even though he knows what he wants to say next, some small part of him who is young and impressionable and has just been told by someone he loves that he shouldn't share an important part of him with the people he cares about is begging him to stay quiet.

Kou is tired of that. In this one instance, he knows for a fact that he's safe. Satou and Yokoo are like him. For once, he doesn't need to hide.

"I, uh," he starts, shoulders stiff. "I'm bisexual too."

It's the first time he's ever said it out loud.

For a moment, Satou and Yokoo are both silent, taking this in. Kou dares to spare a glance in Satou's direction, and sees his jaw dropped, the corners of his lips creeping upwards as if he hadn't just been near tears a moment before.

"Holy shit?" his friend shrieks.

This is what causes Yokoo to leap off the swing and throw his arms around Kou in a hug, with Satou following shortly after.

"I don't believe it!" Yokoo cries, squeezing Kou against his chest. "You're - what - all this time?"

Kou breathes out a trembling laugh, the adrenaline making his blood rush. "Yeah, basically," he admits, and his friends whoop, so gleeful over something that might not make a lot of sense to some people for them to be reacting this way over, but Kou knows why. Kou understands. If anyone gets why someone might be so delighted over finding out their friend is gay, too, after they've been hiding themself for years, it's Kou.

"That's so fucking crazy," Satou laughs, clapping his hands together. "What even are the chances of that? All three of us?"

It truly is crazy, when Kou thinks about it. What are the chances of three gay kids getting lockers all next to one another and becoming friends because of it? He can't imagine there are very many other people like them at Kamome Academy. It's something he never would have expected - to find solidarity in something that he'd hated about himself all his life with people who he loves.

Kou laughs and hugs his friends close, embarrassingly fighting back tears. It feels like a weight's been lifted off his shoulders.

"Does anybody else know?" Yokoo asks. His eyes are damp, too, so at least it's not just Kou getting stupidly emotional. "Like, have you told your brother?"

Kou shakes his head. Just the thought of telling Teru is terrifying, and makes him imagine having to tell his father, to see his disappointment when he realized that his youngest son will likely never marry a woman and continue the Minamoto lineage. If he knew, he'd probably cling to the idea that Kou would still end up with a woman that he'd marry, which Kou really can't imagine being the case. Nene was the first for him, and right now, he's stuck on a supernatural who doesn't want him, and it doesn't look like that's changing any time soon.

"No," he confesses. "You guys are the first to know."

Both their eyes grow wide. "What, seriously?" Satou says loudly, shaking Kou's shoulders. "Oh my God, Kou!"

They continue to hold each other like a group of idiots. If an outsider saw them right now, it's hard to say what conclusion they might come to. For once, however, it doesn't matter. For once, when Kou thinks to himself I don't care what anybody else thinks of me, he means it.

They drop him off at home again not long after, once they've thoroughly exhausted all the related conversation they could possibly have about the topic and decided that it was too cold to stay out any longer.

Teru answers the door, because Kou forgot his keys. "Welcome back," he says. It's clear that he's studying Kou to try and get an idea of what happened, making sure he's ok and scrutinizing Satou and Yokoo as well with a suspicious eye. Nevertheless, he's smiling. "Do you need me to walk the two of you home?"

"Oh, no, no, no, it's cool," Satou declines, holding up his hands. "Thanks for the offer, though. Bye, Kou."

Him and Yokoo have identical knowing smiles on their faces as they leave. It's still unbelievable to Kou what just happened. The fact that the three of them now share this secret. It makes Kou feel lighter than he has for as long as he can remember.

"Hi, Kou!" Tiara yells when she sees him. She's dressed for bed in a pink Sleeping Beauty nightgown, although she's still sitting in front of the TV. "I thought you were gonna take longer with your friends!"

Kou shoots Teru a questioning look at the odd statement, taking a mental guess as to what Tiara meant by that.

Teru raises his eyebrows, sighing deeply before he looks back at Tiara. "Remember what I said, princess, about getting to bed when Kou comes back..."

Exactly as Kou predicted. He stifles a laugh as Tiara wails. "Oh, Teru, I wanted to stay up longer!"

Kou decides to spare Teru and darts to the couch to scoop his sister into his arms. It's good that she's small for her age, because she loves being held even though she's far too old for it. Instantly, she stops her crocodile tears and beams up at her brother, blue eyes watery and shining.

"I'll read you a story, ok?" Kou tells her, grinning wide. He spares Teru a glance where he's still in the doorway, looking at his phone before putting it away and making a face in Kou's direction. Kou giggles. "As many as it takes for you to fall asleep."

It won't be many. Tiara sleeps so easily when she's tired, and she only really throws fits like this when she is. Besides, Kou is in such a good mood right now that he doesn't mind spending extra time doing something tedious like reading the same little kid's books a hundred times over.

"O-k," Tiara hums in agreement, nodding her head slowly. "I guess that's fine..."

"Good," Kou says, ruffling her hair gently. He sets her back down despite her small whines of protest. "Go brush your teeth and pick out some books, I'll be right upstairs."

She trods off dutifully, bounding up the stairs and singing to herself.

Teru wanders over, grinning. "That could have been a catastrophe."

"I know how to handle her," Kou says, shrugging proudly. He plops down on the couch, taking a moment to breathe. "Ugh. Did you leave my dinner out?"

Teru nods, sitting beside him far more gracefully than Kou had. "I wasn't sure when you'd be back, so I covered it with another plate. I'm glad it was sooner rather than later, she was losing her mind about going to bed before you were back and I thought it'd be easier to just let her stay up slightly later to prevent the loss of my sanity."

Kou chuckles, covering his mouth with his hand. Satou and Yokoo have both already texted him in the groupchat, he notices. They're spamming gay pride flag emojis, amusing themselves.

He closes his phone and thinks about going to bed. He has to eat first, and take a shower, and brush his teeth, and clean his desk. He also has homework. Kou feels his evening draining away.

"Do you feel any better now?"

Kou spares Teru a glance. His brother is looking at his phone instead of at him, nonchalant as ever.

"...I suppose," Kou says. His phone pings again with another message from his friends. He stifles a smile, trying not to seem like he's too pleased.

He'd been really worried that he had accidentally forced his friends to come out, but they had assured him that that wasn't the case. "We've seriously been wanting to tell you since the beginning," Yokoo had told him, to which Satou had nodded in agreement. "We were just nervous and stupid, and we were acting like we were leaving you out of things, so it was a totally understandable conclusion to come to. I'm actually glad we did this. It kind of made us stop being bitches and man up enough to talk to you about it."

Kou's friends don't hate him. They're in a relationship, and they wanted him to know, but were too scared to come out until now. Then Kou came out to them, too. The three of them know these secrets about each other, now, and are closer friends for it. They don't have to hide from each other.

It's still so surreal that Kou is convinced it must be a dream.

"That's good," Teru says, after a small pause. He reaches out and ruffles Kou's hair. "I love you, you know?"

Kou cracks a grin. "Yeah," he says. "I know."

A while later, he heads up to bed. Everything feels lighter, now, so much lighter. Even the Mitsuba problem feels far away, like something he can just deal with tomorrow instead of worrying himself over it all night. For once, he's actually tired enough to go to sleep.

So go to sleep he does, and stays that way right through to the morning.

"- That's crazy insane. Can I state a controversial opinion that might make you hate me?"

"Sure, but can I kill you afterwards if it's truly terrible?"

"It's not really. I was just gonna say that I absolutely hate it when a character in a TV show or whatever is so stupidly powerful that nothing actually effects them. It, like, ruins the stakes of the plot. And yeah, Satou, that does include -"

"Don't talk shit about my boy! He has weaknesses!"

"Really? Name one!"

"He's - he's too kind!"

"Oh, bullshit!"

"Yeah, Satou, that's bullshit, sorry. For once, I have to agree with Kou."

"What do you mean, "for once?""

They're leaving school, wrapped up in a conversation about an anime Satou's been watching and explaining to them in great detail in an effort to get them to watch it with him. Kou's unconvinced, but he can tell it won't take much to wear Yokoo down. Ever since finding out their secret yesterday, Kou's noticed several instances now where Yokoo will stare at Satou whenever he's not looking with a dreamy, lovesick expression. Yokoo had caught him pretending to vomit during class today and got in trouble from the teacher when he'd flipped him off for it. It was funny, obviously, but now Kou's wondering if he had somehow missed them acting like this before, and if so, what other obvious things he isn't picking up on that are being dangled right in front of his face.

He doesn't need to worry about that now. He elbows Yokoo and sticks out his tongue. "Find something actually good that isn't just super-powerful-guy trash and we'll watch it. You know, no one's gonna kill you for watching something mainstream. You don't have to go digging for the more obscure bullshit in existence just to be different."

Yokoo whistles. "Burn, Satou, he got you."

Satou palms his face, shaking his head. "But my mysterious guy image...!"

"Oh, what mysterious guy image? I know for a fact that you still own and wear a pair of Batman pajamas like a five year old!"

"I let you know that secret in confidence! In confidence!"

Kou laughs as his friends bicker and shove each other, right as a memory strikes him and he yelps.

"I forgot to grab my science book," he says, freezing in the crowd. He hears complaints being shouted at him and winces. "You guys wait for me outside, I have to finish the homework or I'm gonna get killed!"

He turns on heel, barely catching a disbelieving whisper of "he didn't do the homework?" as he races back inside.

It's crowded still, everybody rushing to change their shoes and empty their bags and get outside into the winter chill. Kou locates his locker and makes a beeline for it, clicking it open and letting out a soft a-ha as he finds the homework he abandoned there, at the back of his stack of books.

Then he turns around, and catches a glimpse of something in the windows above the lockers close to the ceiling.

There is a boy in the window. It would look to anyone else like he's somehow outside, floating in the air, but Kou knows that he's inside the glass. Pink hair frames his face, and raspberry eyes are fixed on something in his sleeved hands. It looks like a ratty notebook. He's reading it, eyes flicking back and forth across the pages.

Kou stares at him for a long moment. He probably looks crazy, frozen and staring upwards at the window when there's nothing really there, but it doesn't matter. Kou doing something weird in the school is not an unusual occurrence anymore.

After a moment, Mitsuba seems to notice he's being stared at and drops his gaze to meet Kou's. His lips part as he sees him, and then he waves, silently, a smile appearing slowly on his face.

Kou pauses, and then waves back with a grin before racing back outside to meet his friends again.