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It started as a question during a Hermitcraft meeting. Because of course it did. Surprisingly, it was Impulse who asked the question, not Zed or any of the other main troublemakers. And now, you may be asking, what is the question?
“Hey, Grian?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you have any siblings besides Pearl?”
That was the question.
The answer?
“Biologically, legally, or emotionally?”
The answer.
The hermits blinked, clearly not expecting that answer. Zed leaned forward in his seat, a slight smirk on his face, probably knowing that there was bound to be chaos soon. “Elaborate.”
Grian pondered for a short while, trying to find a way to explain his family tree, before snapping his fingers in realization.
“I got it. Okay so I’m sure everyone knows by now me and Pearl are siblings?”
The hermits nodded, the woman in question letting out a slight giggle.
“And I believe pretty much everyone knows that Martyn is my sibling too?”
A few hermits looked slightly surprised, but everyone else nodded, unsure where he was going with this.
“Right so, long story short, we had shitty parents-”
“Language, Grian.”
“— shut up Ex-eye-zoo-ma-voy-de —”
“WHAT IS THAT PRONOUCIATION.”
“-and we got left in Japan-”
“Can I beat your parents to death?”
“-they’re already six feet under Cleo — but Jimmy and Lizzie’s parents found us and took us in.”
“They’re siblings if you didn’t know by the way,” Joel helpfully added.
“Ok now that we’re done with legally it’s back to biologically-”
“THERE’S MORE??”
“Obviously,” Pearl snorted.
“-ANYWAYS, as you know I’m dating Scar, who is siblings with Cub.” The vexes in question nodded at that statement.
“I have a queerplatonic marriage with Gem, who is siblings with Etho.” Pearl added, Gem bouncing in her seat and Etho chuckling.
“Etho’s in a relationship with Bdubs I think?” Joel frowned as he tried to remember.
“THAT’S RIGHT!”
“Martyn is married to Netty, who’s the older sibling to Stampylongnose-”
“WHAT?!”
“Yeah, crazy, I know.” Grian sighed, a fond smile tugging on his lips as he stared at the shocked and excited hermits in front of him.
“Lizzie’s married to me, and we have a child,” Joel added, wincing as the hermits yelped in shock.
“Timmy is dating Tango and Scott I believe?” Tango blushed, but nodded at that.
“Flowers Ranchers,” Pearl quietly snickered at Tango as he became more flustered, stammering out some blaze noises.
“Scott is also siblings with Xornoth I believe? He is, right?” Grian turned to Gem and Pearl for confirmation, and seeing the two of them nodding he tried to continue (and failed miserably).
“Xornoth is also dating Joey by the way!” Gem helpfully added. The hermits involved in the Empires x Hermitcraft crossover stared at Gem in shock, while the hermits who used to be emperors (and Grian) just sighed and nodded.
”I don’t get what Xornoth sees in Joey. I’ve heard so many rants from Scott about how much he hates Joey for dating his brother,” Pearl groaned.
”You’re not the only one,” Cleo dryly remarked.
“Anyways, we also have a cousin who’s married to the God of Death-”
“MARRIED TO WHO NOW?!”
“-and has three children. One of them is Tommyinnit-”
“WHAT.”
“-and he’s dating Ranboo and Tubbo. You might know them from MCC. They have a kid or something I think?”
The hermits stared in shock at Grian, who chuckled nervously at them.
“Fundy or something is also the uncle of the children but isn’t related to us I think? I’m not too sure,” Pearl added on, frowning as she tried to recall the details. “Oh and we also have some sort of blood relation to Wels and False or something like that.”
The hermits stared in shock at the siblings, who shrugged and nodded.
“Wels is also in a queerplatonic relationship with Hypno or something I believe?” Grian questioned, looking at Hypno. The man in question merely folded his arms and smirked at Wels, making him flush.
“Wait Gri, didn’t you say you were honorary siblings with someone?” Pearl questioned. Grian eyes widened slightly, having nearly forgotten about that.
”Oh yes! My friend Silly from high school is my honorary sibling. Don’t ask me how that happened it just did.” Pearl snickered slightly at that, but it quickly turned into a squawk as Gem smacked and shushed her.
“Wait, so basically, half of the people in here are legally part of your family??” Xisuma clarified, eyes blown wide with shock at all the revelations he had just received in the past ten minutes.
Grian nodded.
“And everyone else is emotionally my siblings.”
The hermits cooed and awed at that statement, while Xisuma groaned, turned to face a wall, and bashed his head against it. “I need a break.”
Grian snorted.
“Don’t we all.”