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Tim really wants a Batmobile. He’s been Robin for about a month now, and he still hasn’t driven the Batmobile. Bruce had said something about ‘safety first’ and ‘no driving license’, and ‘your feet don’t even reach the pedals Tim’, but he stopped listening around the second time.
So, Tim wants a Batmobile. And two days ago, Bruce gave Tim access to the Robin budget, and introduced him to the rules around it.
“The Robin budget is for your supplies and any equipment you need. You can freely use it, and at the end of the month, whatever is left of the budget will go towards a charity of your choice, so use it, please.” Bruce had said while showing him how to sign into the Robin budget and withdraw. Tim knows that the charity part of the budget probably came from Jason, but Tim couldn’t care less.
He’s more focused on Bruce’s emphasis on Tim spending the budget. That is where Tim is going to benefit.
It’s simple enough. Tim wants a Batmobile. The Robin budget has enough for a Batmobile and then some. So Tim buys a Batmobile.
Bruce never said he couldn’t buy a Batmobile. Just that he couldn’t drive the Batmobile.
When his Batmobile arrives, Bruce does not appreciate the distinction and there comes the first amendment to the Robin budget- ‘The Robin budget cannot be spent on a Batmobile’.
Tim, while in San Francisco, needs a fast car for Young Justice. Not just any fast car, a Batmobile. He can’t spend the Robin budget on it though. So. Tim needs a way around this.
There’s budgets for each individual piece of equipment, including batarangs. There is also a room in the headquaters filled to the brim with excess batarangs that Tim has picked up over the months since becoming Robin.
If a standard Batmobile costs $500 000, and each batarang is $100, Tim needs to replace 5000 batarangs from the delivery to the batcave before Batman sees the significant lack of batarangs from the budget. That’s totally possible.
Tim adjusts the order for next month and slowly begins the process of transferring 5000 batarangs from San Francisco to New Jersey as slyly as possible. Obviously, he manages to do it.
The Batmobile arrives in San Fran a week after the batarangs arrive in the cave, and Tim immediately takes it for a joyride on the track under Titans Tower.
He manages to keep it hidden for maybe four weeks before Bart discovers it and decides to take it for a joyride too. There is now a Batmobile in a San Fran junkyard and another amendment to the Robin rules, which have grown from the three page leaflet Tim was first given to a constantly updating spiral notebook, with sticky notes everywhere.
‘The equipment budgets are only to be spent on the equipments they are labelled with, DO NOT BUY A BATMOBILE WITH THEM.’
Tim buys a batplane with the grapple budget.
The rule changes again to ‘DO NOT BUY ANY VEHICLES USING THE EQUIPMENT BUDGETS’.
After Tim’s father goes into a coma, he gets his driver’s license and Bruce gives him Redbird- his own Batmobile. It’s not the Batmobile by any stretch of the idea, but it’s still amazing.
Bruce also gets Tim a regular car to drive around. Not as cool, but still a car.
Except Tim wants an actual Batmobile. So he has two options. The first is to just steal a Batmobile from Bruce, and maybe pull the ‘I’m in terrible grief’ card and hope he gets away with it.
The other is that he just… slowly replaces the parts on the Batmobile until Batman can’t say that it’s still the Batmobile.
The first part to be replaced is the back-passenger seats.
Tim, who has a black card thanks to his parents, and has never heard the words ‘card declined’, buys about eight different cars to take apart and carefully reconstructs the Batmobile’s back-passenger seats using the alcantra ones of an Aston Martin and restitching parts of them. Steph, who doesn’t let much pass her as Spoiler, notices the change immediately.
He pulls her aside and begs her not to snitch.
“Sure, as long as I get to drive it when we won’t get in trouble.”
“Done.”
The next part to be changed is the Batmobile’s boot, replaced with the Mclaren GT’s boot, dyed and spray painted to be as accurate and inconspicuous as possible.
And so it goes. Maybe two weeks before his dad wakes up from his coma, Tim has completely replaced every part of the Batmobile and Bruce hasn’t noticed anything different about it.
Until Steph takes it for a joyride, because of course Tim wouldn’t get to reap the fruits of his labour, why would he get to drive the Batmobile freely?
“It’s not actually the Batmobile B! Steph can’t be in trouble for driving it, and I can’t be in trouble for replacing each part of the Batmobile because it’s not actually against the rules-”
“It’s shaped like a Batmobile, sounds like a Batmobile, and has operated as a Batmobile since you changed parts- it’s still a Batmobile Robin.”
“But it’s not!” Tim argues loudly. He can see Steph out of the corner of his eye standing guiltily. “This was just me putting one of your dumb thought experiments into reality. The boat one?”
Bruce gapes at him, “The Ship of Theseus?”
Tim snaps his fingers, “That’s the one! This is no longer your Batmobile because it’s been replaced with parts that I payed for entirely by myself.”
Bruce sighs and pinches his nose. “You’re still calling it the Batmobile.”
“Fine it’s the… Franken-mobile, okay? Either way, I own it and I have my license. Spoiler can drive my car if she wants.”
“No because Batmobiles can only be driven by myself, Agent A, or Nightwing. That is still a Batmobile because it acts and looks like one. You are not getting a Batmobile, and you are both in serious trouble for this stunt.”
“You can’t, it’s not in the rules.” Tim huffs.
“‘Robin’s can’t have Batmobiles’, it’s an explicit rule because of stunts like this.” Bruce hisses.
“Spoiler isn’t Robin.” Tim glares, “She’s exempt from the rules.”
The silence is thick with tension as Bruce flicks through the decently sized booklet. Tim turns to her in victory when Bruce sighs.
“Fine. Spoiler is exempt right now. That will be changing, but she is not in trouble-”
“-And can claim compensation, blah blah blah. Great, S, you’re free.” Tim waves at her, and Steph decides that’s good enough for her and skips out of the cave. She doesn’t realise this argument is still going until she joins the comms a week later and hears the tail end of Tim’s argument.
“-Such a functionalist view B, really! I have your actual Batmobile which I haven’t driven- out of respect to your rules, but you can’t even open your mind to other arguments?”
“But then we’re back on the two-ship paradox, and we’ve done this argument too many times, Robin. They are both Batmobiles, and you are in trouble.”
“You can’t punish me until the court is in agreement, and Agent A and Oracle are still debating it. Therefore, you are wrong and lying.”
“Hey, not that this isn’t interesting, but there’s a robbery on the corner of 10th that I’d love some help with?”
“I’ll be there in 2 minutes.” Tim replies.
Bruce sighs over the comms, and the argument starts up again, even as Tim ties one of the robbers up.
Steph is enjoying her evening in her apartment, alone, when Tim raps on her window.
“Hey pretty boy.” Steph laughs, pulling him in, “I have a door, y’know.”
Tim snickers, “But this is much more fun.” He pecks her on the cheek and slips further into her apartment.
“I haven’t paid for cable yet, so no TV time!” Steph call from behind him. Tim shrugs.
“I can pay, but I know you hate that, so instead, I brought gossip.”
Wow, he really is her man. “Go on.” She says while settling onto the sofa. Tim collapses next to her and lays his head on her lap.
“I’m not in trouble.” Tim grins up at her.
“For what?”
“The Franken-mobile! It has been decided that the Franken-mobile we replaced was not a violation of the Robin rules at the time of the offence.”
Steph presses a soft kiss to his forehead. “Good, I was starting to feel guilty. How’d you manage that?”
“Skill.” He sighs, “But now it is a violation, so I still don’t have a Batmobile.”
“You have redbird at least.” Steph comforts.
“Mmm.” He hums, eyes drooping lower. They sit like that for a bit as Tim’s breaths even out and Steph sighs.
Life doesn’t get much better than this.
A week later everything goes to hell, and the Batmobile is put on a back burner as Gotham falls apart. It’s completely out of Tim’s potential when he gets sent to Brentwood.
Then, Tim’s dad dies and suddenly the Batmobile doesn’t cross his mind beyond ‘how can I use it for Boomerang?’
It’s not until Damian asks to drive the Batmobile and gets shot down that Tim thinks about acquiring his own Batmobile again.
Titan’s towers would be a good place to store a Batmobile. Bruce wouldn’t expect him to do the same thing twice.
Article 1, section 2 covers all the Batmobile rules with a general ‘Robins can’t own or drive Batmobiles’.
So this can’t be a ‘Bat’mobile. Tim can work with that.
It takes him a few weeks but he has a working Robin-mobile in time for the summer holidays. It would be an exact replica of the Batmobile, except for the fact that it is smaller, and the colour scheme is red and grey rather than yellow and black. It is also adjustable and much more comfortable and cheaper.
He takes Damian to see it with an easy lie of needing a ‘consult for a case’ to Bruce that has him paying for their tickets. He’s so pleased to see his middle and youngest child getting along he doesn’t think about it much further than that.
“So what case did you need help with Drake?”
Tim snorts. “There is no case.”
Damian glares at him hotly, so he rushes to reveal the surprise. “There’s a Batmobile for you to drive!”
“What.”
“It’s right through here.” Tim tugs the younger boy along and grins at the awed gasp.
“You like it? Did it in your colours and everything.”
“This is- It’s an honour to be bestowed such a vehicle.” Damian turns to him, “When did father approve of this?”
“B doesn’t know? And we gotta keep it that way if you wanna drive it buddy.”
“Do not call me buddy. Why doesn’t father know?”
Tim hums. “He doesn’t want you driving because you’re too young, but I think that’s bullshit. You’re twelve, I was sneaking away in my own stolen Batmobile at twelve, at least you will be supervised.”
Damian’s gape has Tim stifiling another fit of laughter- he looks so much like Bruce- in favour of unlocking the car.
“So officially, this is the ‘Robin-mobile’ and is not similar to a Batmobile in any manner. I don’t want to get in trouble, and neither do you, so-”
“I will keep this secret with my life if you let me drive that now Drake.”
Tim laughs brightly.
Once every two weeks, Tim takes Damian on a two day road trip up to Titan’s tower, spends a full day teaching Damian the ins and outs of the Robin-mobile and then they make the drive back.
It has definitely done wonders for their brothership.
“We are not showing the Robin-mobile to Dick. He’s already insufferable about Redbird.”
Damian huffs. “Fine, what about Todd? He wouldn’t tell.”
“Babs would.”
“Barbara doesn’t care what we do in Titan’s Tower, otherwise we would have been found out weeks ago.” And that is, unfortunately, a fair point. It’s Damian’s last chance to drive the Robin-mobile before he goes back to school, and Barbara would’ve told Bruce if she cared that Tim was hiding another Batmobile from him.
“Just Jason, and he drives with us.” Tim acquiesces. Damian cheers and pumps his fist in victory.
Tim regrets being a nice brother. It’s not even been half an hour.
“Turn off the music Tim.”
“Driver controls the radio. Wear your stupid headphones.”
“I want to read!” Jason exclaims like a nerd.
“Tim is right, Todd, wear your headphones if you wish to read. This drive has never been done without the radio.” Damian states from the front passenger seat, leaning forward to turn the radio up. The bright pop song blasts from the speakers around the car, and Damian bops his head to it.
Jason makes noises of wordless anger, and Tim pats Damian’s head. “You agreed to come, you listen to our rules.”
An hour into the two day drive, Jason nearly causes Tim to crash by clambering over the front seats to stab at the radio.
Tim instates a ‘only Damian can have weapons’ rule and has Jason strip himself of all his weapons on the side of the motorway. Damian confiscates them and settles back in the front seat.
“Keep your seatbelt on Jay.” Tim scoffs as he settles back in the driver’s seat and blasts the radio again.
Tim knows the exact moment Damian regrets wanting to bring Jason along. It’s nearly ten hours in, when he asks to go to the bathroom while Tim’s refuelling and comes back with boxes of pixy stixs, offering one to him.
Tim takes three and swallows them fast. He doesn’t mention the significant number of them missing, and sends him back to buy red bulls and pay for the petrol.
“Are those pixy stixs? I thought they were illegal.” Jason eyes them with interest.
“We keep emergency supplies everywhere. Should I show you how to consume them?” Damian offers. Tim snorts.
“Save it for the Tower, Dee.”
They somehow reach Titan’s Tower without any casualties and Tim watches Damian lead Jason towards the garage with mild interest.
“IS THAT A BATMOBILE?!” Jason screeches.
“Say it louder, I don’t think B heard.” Tim mutters.
Jason ignores him in favour of poking at the car with awed confusion. “How the hell-”
“Timothy gave it to me and I wanted to share it with someone. On the condition that you don’t tell father, you shall be allowed to drive it.”
“Holy shit. Tim, how’d you get B to give you one?”
“I didn’t. He doesn’t know. As far as he’s aware, Redbird still has all the safety protocols.” Tim suddenly grabs him by the shoulders, “Jason, if you tell Bruce, they won’t find your body ever.”
Damian nods from behind him.
“Okay, I’m not a snitch!” Tim squints at him, and then steps back.
They stand for a moment. “Okay so are we driving this fucker or what?”
Tim manages to keep the Robin-mobile away from Bruce until three days before Gotham Academy breaks up for half-term. It’s Kon’s call that reveals this to him, mid-patrol.
“Heeeey Tim!” Kon nervously greets, “Just calling to let you know that Batman is here. Like, in San Fran. Searching the Tower. Okaybye!”
Tim hadn’t even gotten half a word in. “Hood you fucking snitch.” He hisses over the comms, “You swore you wouldn’t tell B.”
“Tell him what?” Jason asks incredulously, “I didn’t tell B anything-”
“He’s in San Fran, searching the Tower. Robin swore he would take it to his grave- we did a blood pact and everything! You were the weak link!”
“Father is at the Tower. Red, this is bad.” Damian grunts.
“What’s at the Tower?” Steph asks.
“Nothing.” “What’s the Tower?” “Did someone speak?” Comes the collective response from the three boys.
“Fine, leave me out of it.” She scoffs.
“Spoiler, we’re so dead.” Jason moans, “Red’s hiding a Batmobile at Titan’s Tower.”
“It’s not a Batmobile, it is a Robin-mobile. Made for Robin. In court, you have to testify that it is not a Batmobile, Hood.”
“Court?”
“Again?” Steph laughs, “It’s fine, Red’s got this. You guys won’t get in any trouble.”
“Until the Bat finds anything, you deny everything okay?” Tim orders over the line, “I mean it Hood, this is going to enter the Court and I have consulted the Robin Rules extensively so that we get away with this on so many technicalities.”
“I have no doubt about that Red.” Barbara chirps over the line, “So you should be prepared because you’re being summoned back to the Cave.”
“Shit.”
“B-Man! What’s up?” Tim cheers as he enters the Batcave. Bruce is calling over the batcomputer and he spies Kon and Cassie behind him. Kon pulls a face at Tim’s greeting that makes it look like he’s sucking a lemon.
“Why is there a Batmobile in Titan’s Tower?” Oh, Tim’s so fucked. He knows Damian and Jason have both frozen behind him, because they decided that leaving Tim to face Bruce’s ire alone would be too harsh. Steph elected to patrol for a bit longer so everyone else could witness their first Court case.
“Sorry, we won’t be answering any questions until the Jury arrives.”
“I am here, we may begin.” Alfred greets.
“What’s going on?” Jason mutters. Damian shrugs at him.
“Great! There isn’t a Batmobile at Titan’s Tower.”
“What am I looking at?” Bruce grits out. Cassie barks a sharp laugh and then scurries out of frame red faced.
“You’re looking at Damian’s Robin-mobile. Did you not see the colour scheme?”
“It’s a recoloured Batmobile. The rules clearly state that Robin’s of any kind do not get Batmobiles to drive or own.”
“It’s not a Batmobile. It is fundamentally different B. Sit in it, you can actually feel a difference.”
Jason nods in agreement. “It’s so much more comfortable than the actual Batmobile.”
“You drove it?” Dick, who arrived sometime between Alfred and now, whispers incredulously at Jason. He’s in his pyjamas because he’s visiting to help out with some stuff around the manor- Jason isn’t in the manor enough to care so he doesn’t know exactly why he’s here but it’s fine. He’s here and asking questions.
“Yeah, I guess they trust me?” He can’t resist a good jab at his older brother though. Dick flips him the bird.
“It’s still a Batmobile!” Bruce yells from inside the Robin-mobile.
“It is not, do not lie. I have schematics for it and everything. It is, at worst, inspired by the Batmobile.”
“May we see these schematics, Master Tim?” Alfred cuts in gently. Tim nods and grabs a tablet from beside the Batcomputer. There’s a few moments where he searches for the schematics, and then he passes them to Alfred.
Alfred hums over them for a while and then turns to Bruce with a grim smile.
“Unfortunately, it appears the Robin Rules require another amendment.”
Tim cheers. “Haha! Fuck you Bruce! I want pixy stixs!”
Bruce sighs heavily and mutters something that sounds like a curse on Tim’s bloodline, but Tim doesn’t really care.
“This was a great talk B, really! I expect my reward sooner rather than later, kay?”
Bruce sighs harder.