Chapter Text
It was cold on the balcony, the warmth of the heater from inside the dorms seeping into the back of Sungchan’s form. He could already hear the managers’ nagging for the bills stacking up, but he couldn’t care less. He didn’t want to pry, he really didn’t, but he couldn’t help stare at the blur of silver hair he could see from the distance, standing next to another man— taller than Eunseok, a bigger built similar to his own. But unlike him, he had sharper features, shorter hair. Sungchan knew ever though he couldn’t see it, he had stalked that guy’s profile a couple days ago, he knew it was pathetic.
It happened when they were in a waiting room, a few more hours till the dry rehearsal. With the members chronically insomniated from their packed schedules, all of them utilized the time to get some sleep. Sleeping in waiting rooms used to be a nightmare, but they all learned to look past it. They had to when they were running on a 2-hour average of sleep. The lucky ones got the couch, a singular black long couch that sohee and wonbin were sharing. There was one frugal foam mattress laid out which turned out to be less popular than expected, automatically assigned to Anton and Shotaro once they were back after filming a challenge.
Sungchan was huddled up in a chair next to Eunseok, backed up in a corner, dozing in and out of sleep through the hushed murmurs of the staff who understood and pitied their lifestyles. It was one of those sleepless days, he tried to force himself to sleep but he just couldn’t. He turned slightly to his side, careful not to wake Eunseok up, and stared down at him where his head gently lay on his left shoulder, a touch barely there. He wasn’t in this position when he first fell asleep; his neck, initially against the wall, had drifted down close to his shoulder, still not touching. Eunseok had always been uncertain with touches and displays of affection to everyone who wasn’t one of the younger members, or Shotaro. So basically, just him. Sungchan chalked up that observation to the awkwardness of being same-aged friends because he didn’t want to hurt himself by prying more. Maybe a hand guided his neck lower, but that information will never make its way out into the world.
Eunseok normally didn’t need much sleep, as Wonbin often said but Sungchan was always the one who could point out if he hadn’t or had enough sleep. It wasn’t intentional, he’d rather never do that to himself, but his attention always fleeted to Eunseok, to see him either silent and expressionless, or enganging with the members, in his own quiet and playful way. The latter always brought a smile to his face. He’d bump his shoulders to Eunseok’s sometimes, “looks like you slept well,” he’d say with a grin, and get a deadpan reply which would in turn bring out laughter from the other members. Eunseok had a greed for laughter, they all did, as entertainers, but he had it even after the cameras were off. Something about that warmed his heart, pulled him closer, even though Eunseok used humor as a shield more often than not.
Sungchan had learned many things about Eunseok over the years, but he felt they were nearly not enough, he wanted to know more. But he was proud that he was the only one who could fight his defenses of stoicism and dry humor, and bring out something real. No matter how little it was. Even if it was just a small smile, a glimmer of real annoyance when he irked him a bit too much, or a quiet mention of his parents’ divorce, voice steady but lips quivering, eyes wandering around the room, avoiding Sungchan’s.
He was brought out of his stream of conciousness, when Eunseok’s phone had started ringing in his lap. It wasn’t loud but Sungchan startled his eyes closed, not wanting to be caught staring. He schooled his breath, as Eunseok slowly shifted awake and took a second to assess the situation. When Sungchan finally opened his eyes, feigning sleep, he looked a bit apologetic for waking him up, to which he responded with a shake of his head, he wasn’t sleeping anyway. Eunseok seemed a bit annoyed at but still got up out of politeness, and took the call. He was only a few steps away with how little space there was available. Sungchan tried not to eavesdrop, but it was impossible not to after he caught the sudden change in his tone.
Oh, Dongminie hyung! It’s been so long.
I’m doing well, are you really in Seoul right now?
Ah, the next few days? Of course. Let me know.
It seemed like he was making plans to meet with someone, which was crazy not only because of their brutal promotion schedule, but more so because Eunseok actively declined requests from his friends to meet up even when he wasn’t busy. It was so extreme that their mutuals would ask Sungchan who’d have to beg Eunseok to go to one of their meet ups. Eunseok also clearly didn’t care for his Highschool ‘friends’— he was bothered a lot for being strange and quiet, and because of company rules he couldn’t explain why he was always sleeping in class, never dated, and skipped lunch, and eventually dropped out. So, Sungchan was definitely intrigued by this ‘Dongmin’ that Eunseok wanted to meet. He told himself that he was bothered by this entire ordeal just because it was a new side of his old friend, which was only partly true.
When he hung up after a short conversation and dropped back into his seat, doing a poor job masking a smile, Sungchan let it slip from his lips, “Who was it?” His tone was neutral, but he regretted it for a moment out of insecurity before Eunseok answered, “Just a neighbourhood friend, he studies in Australia now, he’s back for a few days.” Sungchan nodded, turning back to face the wall, and felt his mouth dry up.
They were sixteen when they first met. In a crowd of other trainees, he barely noticed him, only seeing the way he danced that made it look like he was doing taekwondo. Eunseok was quieter than others, always doing his own thing, working hard on his own. Sungchan would find himself stumbling to say these words to him, years later, feeling frustrated at how much of a difficult time he had expressing his genuine gratitude. Eunseok, of course, deflected this too with humor like it was his superpower.
They were seventeen when they became friends, trainees coming and going, as they became anchors for each other, helping them stay afloat. That summer, Sungchan grew taller than Eunseok, and it stayed that way, he would hear Eunseok marvel about just how big he is for years to come, leaving him in a mix of embarrassment and pride. They had started to rile each other up, both trying to get under the other’s skin, playing their own little games, which had become a distraction from the difficulties of trainee life for them.
They were eighteen when things started to change, for better or for worse. That winter, they drank for the first time in their lives. Eunseok, only a few months from being of legal age, said that it’d be no fun to drink for the first time at 19. Out of the four of them who went to the cvs to buy booze under the disguise of being college students (the part-timer did not give a fuck), the alcohol was the worst on Eunseok, may be because he suggested it. He turned pink the moment he downed his first shot of Soju, getting redder with each shot.
Sungchan had to stop him at his fifth shot, when he had lost a drinking game they learned from youtube, and had reached for the glass again, with a baseless confidence that only came with alcohol, and horrible body coordination, that also only came with alcohol. Before he could think, his hand reached out, palm closing over Eunseok’s, and bringing the glass with both of their hands to his mouth, his lips brushed against Eunseok’s thumb as he downed it in one shot. The other two boys started hollering and cheering because they were starved of dopamine from their smartphone restrictions, and this was all the entertainment they needed. They started chanting “white knight,” which was a drinking game cliche in which the k-drama boys drank in lieu of their girls and got a wish in return. He didn’t really care much when they asked him, “What do you want from Eunseokie?”
He just shrugged, turned to Eunseok, and said, “Tell me a secret you haven’t told any of the trainees.” Eunseok was completely out of it, and he started giggling as he leaned forward, right hand covering his mouth, as if wanting to whisper in Sungchan’s ear. He also leaned in return, his heart beating faster than he remembered, as he waited for the words in his ear, a few seconds passed and nothing came, just as he was about to speak up, Eunseok’s head crashed down with a thud on his shoulder. He passed out, asshole.
The other two guys excused themselves, as they had a different dorm, and Sungchan was left to carry him back alone. He managed to get Eunseok on a piggyback hold, he wasn’t buff back then, but Eunseok was still much skinnier, he took off both of their shoes and hauled Eunseok to his bed, his roommate was already sound asleep. He spent the night in Eunseok’s bed just in case.
They were nineteen when Eunseok came out to him. They had just announced Shotaro and his debut in NCT. Maybe Sungchan had been avoiding him because he didn’t know how to face him, how to be the one who’s the first to debut. As it turned out, his worries were in vain, Eunseok was as calm as ever when they finally saw each other, and pulled him in a hug and pat his back, “Congrats on your debut.” He had a genuine smile on that made Sungchan feel that warmth bubble again in his tummy. Sungchan held him for a moment longer, and Eunseok didn’t say anything. He looked at him again, as if reading the worry on his face, he said “Don’t stress it, that’s how NCT works, they’re saying we’re gonna be next in line,” he said with a breathy laugh. “I can’t believe I’m the one who has to console you, you big baby.”
A few moments of comfortable silence passed as they just looked at each other, smiling, as if this was the last time they would meet, it wasn’t, but it was going to be almost impossible to meet once Sungchan started promotions. “I have something to tell you,” Eunseok said, looking strangely nervous. He nodded, looking confused.
Eunseok swallowed, his hands forming fists at his sides, and he could see that nervous 16 year old Eunseok during his first trainee evalution again.
“I like men.” He said, finally.
This was not what Sungchan was expecting, at all. He was unsure how to respond. Bumbling like an idiot, and failing to mask his expression of pure shock, he asked “You mean…” while doing some strange gestures with his hands.
Eunseok remained calm, but there was a flicker of something unreadable on his face, “Yes, Sungchan, I’m gay.” His voice was breathy, a mixture of nerves and uncertainty
Sungchan could only say “Ah,” and nod, before a staff member barged in and called for him.
It wasn’t difficult to find that guy, Lee Dongmin, lived in Cheongdam-dong, and studies in Australia. He was still on the balcony, lazily watching the interaction play out, unsure of what to think or do. He saw the taller guy take out a cigarette, and offer it to Eunseok after taking a few drags. Eunseok can’t smoke, he hates cigs. He thought, a mix of surprise and anger taking over him after Eunseok hesitantly took the cigaratte after Dongmin insisted. His last straw was the guy throwing an arm around Eunseok, palm casually folding around the back of his neck. Sungchan couldn’t take it anymore, he returned inside, grabbed his coat, and stormed out the house. He took the stairs down, it was only the first floor and it was faster than waiting for the elevator. In the lobby of the building, he finally saw Eunseok, who was punching in the building’s code.
When Eunseok stepped inside, Sungchan finally had a chance to take in his expressionless face. There was no way of knowing what had happened, he felt something gnawing at his chest that he couldn’t quite place.
“All good?” He asked, eyebrows twisting a little.
“Yeah,” Eunseok nodded but his voice was breathless in the same way it was five years ago, and Sungchan’s chest ached, memories resurfacing.
Eunseok moved past him and pressed the button to call the elevator. It was an awkward wait, weighed down by things unsaid, from now, and from the past.
Sungchan turned around, now facing him, “Eunseok-ah,” he called, meeting his eyes. “Did you have dinner yet?”
They end up going to the Gogijib that Sungchan once recommended to him, and he visits religiously. The members think it’s because he has a small food pallate, and Eunseok lets them. It’s a small sized restaurant that’s half filled. They move through the tables and settle on one in the back corner. Eunseok takes a seat, and Sungchan settles next to him. It was weird at first, but he got used to it. Sungchan has this habit of sitting next to people instead of in front of them and he thinks that’s endearing in a way, but doesn’t voice it. He also ignores his brain’s supply of Sungchan not doing this with the other members. He has found himself sitting next to Sungchan more often than not whenever they go out to eat. He doesn’t know what to think of that, so he doesn’t.
They place their order, trusting Sungchan with the process, who says it’s his treat, but Eunseok can’t bring himself to smile. As they wait for their food, Sungchan lays his head on his shoulder, and Eunseok finally lets himself breathe, Sungchan is tired, he can feel it’s familiar weight along with the weight on his shoulder. This is a habit, a real one, at least when he’s with Eunseok, he does this when he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Sungchan keeps pushing himself, and sometimes the lack of sleep and constant stress get to him, and he gives in. He knows that this is Sungchan who has resigned, who can’t be bothered but he’s still here, and Eunseok doesn’t know why, and he’s afraid to find out.
“Did you ever date him?” Sungchan asks, sitting up straight again.
Eunseok is stunned. This is the first time after he came out to Sungchan five years ago, that they’re speaking of his sexuality. Eunseok doesn’t know why he confessed back then, truth be told, he was afraid of losing him, even if no one could tell, not even Sungchan. He wanted to be honest with him, even if the truth only existed between them, he wanted to prove that he was real, and that he was there. The trainee life was getting to him, he was afraid of being forgotten, so he dropped that one bomb that changed everything between them. A subtle shift that couldn’t be overlooked.
Eunseok wants to lie, to joke, to brush it off, do what he has always done, but then his eyes meet Sungchan’s, properly, after what feels like years, may be it is. Seeing him like this, inches away, does something to him, it always has. Eunseok always has been someone who keeps to himself, averses in the face of crises, in the face of feelings, in the face of love, like it burns him. Sungchan has always been able to pull his thoughts out of him like no one else.
“No, we weren’t allowed to date back then, remember?”
Sungchan’s expression is unreadable, perhaps he wasn’t expecting somethhing so close to an acceptance and yet a denial.
Eunseok continues, “He fucked me once.”
Sungchan slightly flinched at that, and Eunseok felt for reasons he cannot define, this must be what heartbreak feels like.
“When?” Sungchan asks, voice small.
“After you,” Eunseok feels his throat close up, he reached for some water, “uhm, left for NCT.”
Sungchan felt his heart drop, “What happened after that?” He still finds it in himself to ask, he feels like he’s drowning.
“He refused to acknowledge it, kept insisting he was straight, got a girlfriend, and left for Australia,” Eunseok says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world and it breaks Sungchan’s heart.
Sungchan reaches for his hand on his lap under the table, and gently holds it. It grounds Eunseok, who lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
“How did it go today,” was the question Sungchan asked but they both knew he really meant to ask, why did you go to meet him?
“It was decent. I wanted things to go back to the way they were, he was a really good hyung to me when I was younger, and I felt like I ruined everything.”
Sungchan squeezes his hand lightly at that, “It wasn’t your fault,” Eunseok looks like he doesn’t believe him and sighs.
“Let’s eat,” Eunseok says, finally.
They walked home, hands in their own pockets. Eunseok sighed, he didn’t know how long he could go on like this. He wasn’t someone who gave in to feelings too much, which is why he got to this point. Harboring a seven-year-long crush on one of his oldest friends is such a cliche, but he couldn’t help it, and he’s way past the point of denial. Not when Sungchan felt like the only meaningful connection in his life. They were basically forced to be together ever since they were 16, and Eunseok realized that avoidance wasn’t in his books anymore, and he didn’t want it to be.
It doesn’t get easier, never did.