Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

This is my first work ever.

So I’m really nervous. And English isn’t my first language, so please ignore any flaws.

Also, disclaimer!!!

This is a work of fiction, so please treat it as such. While I am using facts from their real lives, I have taken creative liberty to make up certain details as well. Therefore, the characters & their behavior, feelings, and thoughts may deviate from real life. The events may also not happen in the same chronological order as they did in real life, so please bear with that too.

Anyway, I hope you guys like this!!!

Love,
Dana

Chapter Text

“I think Brienne and Jaime have the most tragic love story.”, Joss says.

They are sitting on the now empty court, after the last game of FBL for this season. They clearly lost. But Gawin was magnificent on the court. Of course Joss knew it. He had been with Gawin through most of their practice sessions. But Gawin was down, nonetheless. Others didn’t notice because Gawin had the best poker face he’d seen.

But Joss noticed anyway. How could he not, when his world revolved around Gawin.

Gawin was quiet. And he was humming. Something Gawin did when he desperately wanted to be distracted, before it became obvious. Joss knew why he did it. Gawin had this irrational opinion that showing your vulnerability made you weak. And if Joss tried to talk about it, Gawin would pull away and hide. And it took Joss a dozen missed calls and two days of radio silence before he could talk to him again.

So instead of comforting him or acknowledging his silence, Joss does what he has come to learn is the best tactic to bring out Gawin out of his sour mood. To banter with Gawin about the things he likes. It gets the quickest reaction out of him. And Gawin gets fired up and he starts rambling, forgetting whatever upsets him.

It worked like magic, until that day.

“No way! Jon and Daenerys made me cry buckets!”, Gawin protests.

“I mean think about it. Knife to the heart. In the end, Jon didn’t betray Daenerys. He betrayed himself. They chose each other and still, it ended in blood. I mean how much more tragic can it get, loving someone knowing it will destroy everything. They didn’t get the chance to have a happy ending.”, Gawin says, passionately.

“They had chances. Jon just stopped reaching for her. He let everybody get to his head.”, Joss replies pointedly.

“He was trying to do the right thing.”, Gawin turns towards Joss, a frown on his face.

This doesn’t feel like their usual banter. Normally they would get passionate and angry but then they would burst out laughing and forget it. Today, it seems, things are taking a different turn.

“He was afraid of wanting her more than the right thing.”, Joss looks up at the team taking down a flyer.

Gawin’s sentence dies in his throat. “Jaime and Brienne….. They weren’t even real. He chose Cersei. That says enough doesn’t it.” And honestly Gawin isn’t sure of himself.

“No”, Joss sighs. “That’s exactly why it hurts more.”

“Because they could have been happy. There was no throne or prophecy. Just two normal people.”, he continues.

“But Jaime loved Cersei!”, Gawin counters.

“Jaime loved what was familiar. He loved not having to change.”, Joss says quietly now looking at Gawin.

“He was conflicted!”

“He was scared.”

“There’s a difference!!”

“Is there?”, Joss asks softly.

“Brienne never asked him to be perfect. She just wanted him to stay.”

Gawin doesn’t know what to say to that. But he can’t give this up. He doesn’t know why it matters, but he has to say something defend himself.

“Because he couldn’t.”

“No. Because he wouldn’t.”,

There is a pause and they don’t speak for a few minutes. The silence is heavy. And it doesn’t feel like they’re taking about GoT anymore. It feels like they’re talking about themselves. What has been brewing between them for the past few months. Gawin feels like he’s getting cornered.

“You’re wrong. They’re tragic because love wasn’t enough.”, Gawin says as a last attempt to break this debate.

“No. They’re tragic because love was enough, and fear still won.”, Joss looks resigned. For what? Gawin doesn’t know.

“You-”

 “You’re making it sound like cowardice.”

“It was.”

Gawin sucks in a sharp breath at this. The sentence is like a punch to his gut. Like all his flaws are laid bare for him.

He can’t do this.

He doesn’t know how, but he’s up and leaving.

He hears Joss calling out to him, “G! Gawin!! Wait. What happened??”

“I’m tired Joss. I’ll see you on Saturday.”, Gawin says not meeting his eyes.

He exits the court leaving Joss there standing and walks toward his car in the parking lot. And he’s spiralling.

What did Joss even mean?

That Gawin is running away. But from what? They’re just friends.

Gawin is doing it again. Afraid to admit this intangible thing between them.

Afraid to admit what he is.

But deep down he knows that Joss was right. Gawin is a coward. He knows it all too well.

It’s just like he was 16, when couldn’t get the picture of Emery Thompson out of his head.

McDowell High’s teenage population was intimidating. And with him being a huge introvert had very few friends, and most of his time in high school was spent playing guitar in the storage unit behind the library. He was just passing by the library, when he saw Emery with his nose in a book, under the willow tree.

He remembers registering Emery as pretty, even though he wasn’t all that feminine. On the contrary, Emery had broad shoulders, a sharp, protruding adam’s apple and veiny forearms, no matter how full his lips were. In retrospect, he should have not been noticing these things as a normal teenage guy.

Especially when Emery was straight.

He was.

Gawin was on his way home when he had seen Emery kiss this girl in a park. He ignores the memory of slowing down his bike to just stare. He also ignores the reason why his chest twinged when he saw them kissing.

And Gawin didn’t understand why he noticed Emery anyway.

Maybe it was because he was so similar to Gawin. His slender physique, his long lashes or his soft facial features no matter how tall or broad he was. But he was far more athletic than Emery and a part of McDowell’s senior soccer team. Completely opposite to Emery’s nerdy personality. Which is what made him an easy target to people like Trent.

Trent McAllistair and his cronies shunned everyone who deviated from the average high school expectations of what was normal. Emery being the top of their target list. How Gawin went unnoticed by them was a mystery. Gawin isn’t really scared of many things. But Trent and his sidekicks always had a way to hit his sore spots. He would freeze in the hallway when they passed by, he would hold his breath.

As if, they would take one look at him and just, know.

And that Gawin would end up being tormented for the rest of the year.

He feels stupid now. That he felt so scared of some stupid rich kids with their stupid inflated ego and rotten personality. But it didn’t feel stupid then.

God no.

It felt scary as hell then. When they beat up Emery so bad, he was barely breathing by the time the ambulance arrived. For something he never was.

Gawin just stood there like the coward he was turning out to be.

Gawin was just passing by Emery when Trent and his cronies appeared out of nowhere, “Hey fag! What’re you reading?”

An older boy, who looked more of a twig than an actual, person goaded him on, “Probably waiting for prince charming to give him a kiss.”, with stupid kissy faces and smooching sounds.

“What do you guys want?”, Emery responded in a bored tone.

God he was so fearless.

“You’re mouthy today huh? I’m in a good mood, so run away like the little bitch you are before I change my mind.”, Trent sneered.

“And if I don’t?”, Gawin sucks in a sharp breath when Emery says that.

“Now you’re asking for it.”, Trent is now advancing towards Emery who is still sitting upright. God that boy has a spine of steel.

But Gawin is panicking because they are vicious.

Oh God.

Oh my God.

They’re going to beat Trent up badly. This can’t be happening. He need to do something.

“Hey!”, he didn’t mean to say that. But now Trent and the others turn to face him instead.

Way to go Gawin. An amazing way to get noticed by them.

“What did you get a new boyfwend? Is he gonna pwotect you?”, Trent addresses Emery instead of Gawin, in an attempt at what might be a baby voice.

Emery just stares at him in confusion. An acceptable reaction, seeing that they’ve never spoken in the past.

“What was your name again? Caskey? Wasn’t it boys?”, Trent asks his cronies.

“Yeah.”, the one with a bandana says.

The older guy sneers at Gawin, “What Caskey? Are you a fag too now? Did you need a helping hand? Fairy Thompson here is quite skilled we heard.”, they make gagging noises.

Any other time Gawin would be disgusted at them. But now? Gawin can’t say anything, frozen in fear.

“Leave”, Emery mouths in his direction.

Gawin wants to refuse him. Stay back and support him. But his feet seem to have their own mind and carry him away from that horrible scene. He’s too far from the building when he hears Emery’s cries. He halts. But doesn’t turn back. If Gawin was a better man, he would’ve walked back and fought off the bullies. He would have been brave and called their bullshit to their faces.

But Gawin is a coward.

So he runs away like he always does when it comes to this.

But boy is Emery stronger than him. An hour later, Gawin watches along with the crowd that has gathered around the scene. The paramedics roll into the school campus and take Emery away in a stretcher. He’s black and blue, has a black eye and a split lip. But he has this fierce expression on his face, like he won’t give up that easily.

God.

Gawin’s never seen someone so brave.

And he has never been more ashamed of himself. Gawin feels that he’s the worst human to ever exist. And a week later, Emery comes in a wheelchair, with his parents to finalize his transfer. Gawin wants to apologise. Say a million things. But he finds that he cannot even make eye contact with Emery. The sight of a bloodied Emery is burned into his memory.

But then again, Gawin is a coward, so he turns around and walks away.