Archive of Our Own ^beta

He couldn’t.

Jax couldn’t abstract.

It was strange, in very way. He had been on the brink before, he knew what it felt like, what drove him to it. And nothing changed, if anything he felt like everything was getting worse.

He wanted too. He had begged it. but it was like something was physically stopping him (Caine. Was it Caine? What even happens to the circus when there are no humans left??)

That didn’t make sense. No, he didn’t want it too. Caine can’t control people abstraction (he can’t??? Right??) so why would Jax suddenly not be able too.

He was so close before all this stuff happened. But now there’s nothing.

He sits in his room. In the dark.

Ribbits coming for him.

Kaufy coming for him.

They’ll save him right. He just needs to try a little harder. He’ll get out of here.

He stars daggers at his blankets. Eyes slowly moving to the corner of his room. But as much as he wills something there, nothing happens.

He closes his eyes.

Why isn’t it working?!

Is Caine watching him? Is he stopping it?! He’s been trying to abstract for days now and very time he does he’s met with radio silence!

The worst part is during the day he still has to keep up the facade of wanting to go on those dumb adventures. He should be gone by now, he shouldn’t have to deal with it!

(But if he doesn’t then Caine might decide to ‘pop’ him. And who knows what happens after that.)

Tomorrow will be the same as yesterday. Which was the same as the day before that. Which was the same as the day before that.

Wake up, go on adventure. Tell Caine just how sweet and nice he is, eat food, go in his room, try to die (abstract, but like same difference… probably).

It’s all the same.

And he can’t escape it.

.

He’s stared at his room too long.

He doesn’t know what he has to do but he has to do something. So he gets up. If Caine will ask it’s because he’s ‘so eager to see the rest of the circus’ or something like that. Caines pretty good at leaving him alone at night anyways, so it’ll hopefully be fine.

He just needs a change of scenery.

He hopes out of bed, giving one last look into the corner of his room, but nothings there.

He goes to his door and opens it, immediately met with pomnis door.

It’s not crossed out. Of course. they didn’t abstract Caine poofed them. All their images are still there, as well as their rooms, unmessed with.

He closes his door behind him.

Maybe this is what he needs. Maybe this will help tip him over the edge.

He walks in front of pomnis door, and just… looks at it.

….

He walks down the hall, to ragathas room.

Her image still smiling.

He begs it to do something to him. He frowns.

He can never see her again. Shouldn’t that do something??? Shouldn’t that make him abstract??? He wants to? Why can’t he?

….

Of course it’s not enough. It’s ragatha. It won’t work.

He storms off to the other side of the hall.

Zooble door.

He missed them. But honestly he misses anyone who’s not Caine.

He feels tears swell up in his eyes.

come on

anything.

Ribbit and Kaufmos doors are right across from theirs. And he stares at them. Like he’s done even before he was alone.

Save him.

Save him.

He feels the tears began to fall down his cheek. Coming out in clumps, like water droplets. He doesn’t bother to wipe them away, or even try to stop it.

He stumbles back.

Save him.

His vision blurs and he keeps walking, retreating backwards and stumbling to the right. it feels like eternity before he finally slams himself into the door behind him.

It makes a heavy ‘thud’ as he hits it. It sounds like it should hurt but he doesn’t feel it. He can’t find it in him to care.

The hallway is dark, and empty, and no one’s coming to save him (the only person coming for him is Caine. And that’s somehow worse than being alone.)

His breathing picked up.

Tomorrow the lights would turn on. The music would play. And he’d be having to do another adventure from Caine. And the next day, and the next. And if he can’t abstract then it will go on forever.

He couldn’t even imagine what forever felt like. HE didn’t even have the luxury of saying ‘just one more day.’

It has to end at one point right?

No matter how much he cries the tears never fall together. Instead always falling out as droplets. And no matter how much he struggles to breathe he never truly out of breath.

He chokes on a sob, hoping it could somehow suffocate him, but of course it doesn’t.

Suddenly the wall falls from behind him, and his body falls limp on the ground.

He looks up, not nothing to move from staying down, and sees a blurry mess of red and white…. Caine…?

He blinks a few times, but that’s not right, it looks more like…..

Gangle?

She seems to be standing, staring over him. But that’s all he can really make out. He instinctually raises his hand up, trying to reach her, to touch her face. Silently begging her to save him.

A ribbon is wrapped around his hand, and slowly moved back to the side of his body.

“Jax….?” Her voice is low, and tired and…. Real?

It can’t be. It’s obviously not. Gangles gone, all of them are. Caine made them disappear.

He’s seen the others before. A figment of his mind, kaufmo standing in the distance, ribbits hand reaching out. But they never spoke to him.

He raises his hand up again, but more thoughtfully this time. If gangles real she can’t send him to that place, that world full of infinite patterns and calmness… if she was real….

But she couldn’t be? He just had to make sure.

Again he felt a ribbon on his hand, stopping it. But she doesn’t move it back down, keeping it half raised.

“Jax….?” She asks again “what’s wrong?”

He savors the feeling of the ribbon on his hand. Caines touchy, he is to most people, but it doesn’t amount to much.

(how long has everyone been gone? It’s had to have been more than a few weeks right? Maybe a month? How many adventures did Caine make him do? How many nights has he spent desolate, trying to abstract. He can’t remember anymore.)

He doesn’t remember the adventure he went on yesterday. He tries to think further but it’s all a blur… he was standing in the woods for one of them? Wasn’t he? He ate dinner… what did he eat? Did he even leave his room yesterday.

A month.

He has no way of knowing for sure, Time doesn’t matter in this place, so to calm his fears jax settles on a month. It felt like a month right… and that’s not too long to have been alone? See? He hasn’t forgotten everything. He knows how long it’s been. It’s been a month.

“A month.” The words feel nice on his throat. Though the sound comes out clearly raspy.

“….what?”

“I haven’t seen you in a month.” He says. As a fact. Like it’s the most obvious thing in the world (because it is a fact. It has to be a fact.)

“Jax…. I saw you yesterday….?” She sounds unsure. Good. Because she’s wrong, it’s been a month.

“No.” He says. As simple as that.

“Okay.” She sighs, like he’s right (she clearly doesn’t believe him but he still takes this as a victory.) “I think it’s time for you to go back to sleep” she then says.

He feels the door lightly poke at the side of his head….

She’s… trying to shut him out. Leave him. Isn’t she happy to see him? Isn’t she happy to be back?

Tears continue to run down his face.

“Don’t leave me again.” He can’t speak above a whisper.

Gangle doesn’t say a word… she’s still there right? Did she leave? Is she gone.

(No she’s fake. He’s an idiot. He knew she was fake because everyone’s gone. He’s always known, he just wanted to pretend.)

“Save me.” He begs.

Waiting for her to come back.

(Not her. Just a figment of his mind.)

“Save me.”

Waiting for anything.

(Can she help him abstract.)

“Save me.”

Is he so horrible that even his mind would leave him alone? He needs someone here. Anyone. Anyone.

Caine.

Caine would never leave him (Caine would never let him leave either.) but god what else is he suppose to do? He needs someone, he needs to hear something, he needs to feel something, he needs to be grounded. All he wants is to die and he can’t even do that. He needs something to take his mind off it.

“Caine…?” He can barely speak.

Isn’t he supposed to be all seeing? Did Caine leave him. He wouldn’t! He wouldn’t?

“Caine….” He sobs out.

It’s not loud enough. He needs to speak up but he just can’t.

“WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE ISSUE.”

He almost sighs of relief at the voice. Even if it’s Caine dumb booming voice it’s enough to be a distraction. Enough to make believe that he’s not the only person here.

“He won’t stop crying… I don’t know what’s wrong?”

Gangle??

He wants to get up, he wants to see her, he just can’t move.

“Hmmmmmmmm” Caine cartoonishly thinks, and Jax finds himself already annoyed by his voice (not that he’d ever say that.) “and what was he saying?”

“I don’t know he kept asking me to uh…. Save him? I was hoping you knew what that meant?” She says “is it like a…. Video game thing… or something….? Hopefully…” gangle mumbles.

“HMMMMMMMM IVE SEEN THIS BEFORE!!!”

Oh god. Oh god no.

“HE MUSTVE HAD A DIGITAL NIGHTMARE! That means YOU must care for him, and make sure it happens less frequently!!!” why is he talking like this is some sort of adventure?

“Oh…. Okay….”

“have fun dealing with HUMAN EMOTIONS!!!! And don’t let the bed bugs bite!!!! Seriously.” He says, before a horrible popping sound is made.

(It was Caine leaving right… it was Caine. Not gangle.)

“….Caine…?” He asks.

“No…. It’s uh gangle.”

Yes. Of course. Because it was Caine who made that sound. It wasn’t gangle. Of course he knew it wasn’t gangle.

“You had a nightmare??”

That’s what Caine had said wasn’t it? That means he has to agree.

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“Do you want too… get off my floor?”

Jax tried to move. He really did! But nothing worked. He raised his hand up a little, but it still felt heavy.

“Do you need help?”

Yes. He needs to be saved.

He tries to nod, but nothing happens. “yes” he hisses out.

“Okay.” Gangles voice is somewhat strained, and he feels her ribbons wrap around him (real. It feels so real.) “oh… heh you’re pretty light.” Everyone is in the circus.

He finds his body meeting with soft blankets. And a wave of tiredness hits him.

“I’m not very good at this… should I get ragatha?” Gangle tries to ask. Tries to leave again.

“No.” Is all he says. And his eyes flutter shut. (He doesn’t want them too. He really doesn’t. Because this is a dream. He knows that now. And the moment he wakes up he’ll be still alive in his room in this empty circus. And he’ll keep doing that. Forever.)

But sleep overtakes him anyways.

He didn’t realize he was so tired.

.

.

.

Jax realized he was awake before he opened his eyes.

Dumb… he’s so dumb.

The others always show up in his dreams, he’s just so used to seeing them. He almost wills himself to go back to sleep, sinking in the soft blankets more and more. Just until Caine has to wake him up (he won’t be mad right? Jax is only sleeping in a little.)

Of course rest doesn’t come that easily, and his dreams remain far from him.

“Jax…”

(Maybe not too far.) His eyes shoot open.

Only to realize by the dark wood, and deep red around him that he is definitely not in his room.

He was hearing things. Right? That’s all this was. He slept walked and he’s hallucinating, maybe he’s abstracting? Maybe he’s already gone?!!

“You’re still uh….”

He turns to look over to gangle, half blurred. She seems to be gesturing at her face… his… he moves a hand up to his face, and brings it down to see the cartoonishly blue tears still falling.

He takes a hand and wipes them from his eyes.

He can suddenly see clearly now, he’s definitely in gangles room, with her sitting in front of him.

She sighs of relief “you wouldn’t stop I couldn’t…” she mumbles “uh…. What’s… what’s wrong?”

He doesn’t have a headache, nor does he feel dehydrated in any sense… of course he doesn’t, it doesn’t work like that in this place.

He opens his mouth. But what should he even say?

If this isn’t a dream (and it doesn’t feel like one. He’s awake now.) then that means Caine brought them back. Does she know that?

“You were gone for a month” (probably more.)

“In…. The dream?”

He doesn’t respond to that, instead saying a simple “Let’s not tell anyone about this.”

Still he makes no effort to leave (how could he?! He wasn’t alone! What if he left and Caine made her disappear again?)

“Yeah okay….” She says. “Do you wanna leave… or….?”

She definitely wants him to go. And with every regret in his body he sits up, and gets off the bed.

She’s there. He can see her. He can hear her…

He glances to her door, then back at her.

“Oh-!!! Uhh yeah let’s go” she shakily smiles. And he thanks whatever that she got his point. She stands up and makes her way to the door. Not looking at him.

Are the others here? What if they’re not? What will he say to her? Will she blame him.

She opens the door, and they walk out.

“The [%$!#] are you doing with gangle.”

He’s never been happy to hear Zooble voice before now. (But it’s their fault isn’t it? They’re the one that was always going off at Caine, if they knew he was a threat why would they antagonize him?!)

Jax can’t even find it in himself to answer.

“Uhhh” gangle looks at him, then that Zooble, and shrugs “I don’t really know… Caine said to watch him last night….”

Zooble looks at them for a second, before rolling their eyes “what a weirdo.”

It felt like a slap on the face. He wanted to scream at them not to say that, not to talk about Caine like that! but instead he just stands there.

“…Caine didn’t…. Do something to him right?” Zooble speaks again, now with more concern.

“No” he snaps, walking off. (But not too far, just in case.)

He hears Zooble and gangle talk as he leave, he doesn’t hear the words but the voice is enough to soothe him.

“Oh hey Jax!” Pomnis voice now greets him in the main lobby. She’s standing ahead of him, next to ragatha, who sinks in on herself, but gives him a small wave.

Weird. “Heya. What you lady’s up to?” He says kinda aimlessly, not really caring about the answer just trying to get some sense of normalcy.

(So Caine brought them back. He made them disappear for a month and then he brought them back.)

“We were just-“

“DID SOMEONE SAY ADVENTURE!!!!”

The booming voice comes from behind him, and he strains his smiles.

“Hey- Caine-….” Sound normal. Sound normal. Sound happy “what you got in store for us today-…. Buddy!!!” He’s doing bad, he’s doing so bad.

Luckily Caine doesn’t realize any of this, instead snapping his fingers (Jax suppresses a flinch). And bringing gangle and Zooble to them.

“Ugh!! A little warning next time” Zooble hisses.

“ITS FINE!” Jax almost screams. God that was.. far too loud wasn’t it? He tries to relax his posture, putting his arms crossed “what’s the adventure looking like.” He smiles more normally now. Yes this is good.

“SO GLAD YOU ASKED!!!” Caine says. And Jax smiles at him. “TODAY I HAVE SOMETHING REALLY GREAT IN MIND! A FUN ADVENTURE FOR ALL AGES, AND ONE I THINK THAT YOU’LL REALLY….” Caine continues to talk.

And as hard as Jax tries his voice goes in one ear and out the other. That’s fine though. It doesn’t stop him from doing adventures. He’ll just pretend like he heard it, caines not the most difficult to please, anything Jax does should be good enough right?

Zooble staring daggers at him. But he can’t find it in him to defend himself, even though he knows he did nothing wrong. Because even the thought brought pure relief. Zoobles looking at him. That means zoobles here. They’re back. All of them are back. Caine brought them back.

He was somewhere else now. It wasn’t that worrying. He was used to Caine putting him in different places. It looks like… a cabin.

Suddenly a broom was being thrown in his face, but not by an npc, by Zooble “at least do some work!”

The house was dirty, not to an obvious extent, but he could pick up on the fact that this was some sort of cleaning adventure.

Okay, he can do that.

He takes the broom in his hands, and starts to sweep.

Zooble just looks at him… “you can help too you know” he mumbles. They really should start doing something.

“You’re acting weird.”

“I’m not.” He says.

He looks down at the floor, sweeping up the ‘dust.’ It doesn’t work like real life, when he sweeps it over it fades, he doesn’t need to put it into little piles, or even use a dustpan. It’s more like a mini game. But the place does look pretty big.

“HEY! CAINE? You can hear us right?!” Zooble shouts out.

Caine…? Why are they calling for Caine? What are they going to say to him… did he do something wrong?

He starts to shake, but he does his best to control that, Caine wouldn’t want to see that. And smiles as best he can.

Caine comes out with hearts in his eyes, and Jax forces himself to look at him.

“OH ZOOBLE WHAT IS IT!!!!” He sounds so innocent, like an excited puppy.

Jax sweeps faster.

“There’s only one broom here, could you make another” Zooble is glaring at him.

“OF COURSE MY WASHING MACHINE MINIONS!!!! HERE YOU GO”

pop.

Jax’s eyes dart to the floor.

It’s just a broom.

It’s just a broom being summoned it’s nothing else.

“Alright.” Zooble takes hold of the broom.

“ARE YOU TWO LIKING THE ADVENTURE SO FAR.”

“Yes!!!” Jax says almost immediately “great adventure no notes!!”

“WOWIE!!!! THATS AMAZING TO HEAR JAX!!! What about you Zooble?”

No no no no no.

“Zooble loves it!!” Why can’t he just shut up! If Zooble wants to get themself killed then why is he trying to stop it so bad!!! (But if Zooble goes so will gangle, then pomni, then ragatha, then kinger-)

“YOU DO!” He’s looking at them, and they’re looking at him.

“I like the chill adventures I guess.”

He almost sighs in relief.

“WOW!!!! I JUST FEEL SO!!!!!” Caine looks overjoyed “ILL GET TO WORK ON THE NEXT ADVENTURE RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!!! BYE!!!!!” And he’s gone.

Oh thank god he’s gone.

The broom almost falls from his grip.

“The [%$!#] was that?!” Zooble sounds mad. Why is Zooble mad? No wait, that’s their character, nevermind.

“What?!” He says defensively.

“You know what I’m talking about?! What happened with Caine? You’re acting weird!”

Jax rolls his eyes “aren’t you the one who said the only reason he didn’t torture us is because he likes us?!”

They did say that! He remembers it, so why would they go out of their way to make all of their life’s harder!

“I didn’t say torture”

Same difference.

Zooble sighs, sloppily brushing the broom on the ground side to side. Due to the nature of the mini game it does help to clean up the ground.

“So you think caines going to torture us? What happened to ’it’s not in his nature’” they mock him but he couldn’t care less.

“Who cares!” He’s looking at the ground, trying his best to just focus on the sweeping. Most of the ground around him is clean, but he’s not in the mood to move very far so he’s mostly resweeping over the spots or getting the few still left. “I’d just be nicer to him.” He spits out.

“Yeah. I can tell that part.” Zooble rolls their eyes “listen. I don’t know what happened, but if Caine did something, then you should tell someone okay?”

Tell someone… there’s a reason Caine brought them back right? But that means there’s a reason Caine wants them to not remember what happened too. What if Caine gets mad at him.

…it’s not like he can abstract. Not anymore. Maybe… maybe whatever fate awaits in whatever that popping thing was is better than all of this? Maybe he should’ve spoken up when it happened to Zooble. Everyone else did! God he was so dumb. He should’ve known something bad was coming when everyone he loved abstracted. And even after he thought he learned that listen he did it again didn’t he? Everyone left the stage and he just couldn’t follow.

“Gangle told me some of it.” They then say. “A nightmare?”

So that’s what they were doing in the hallway?

“A month ago” he starts. The words come out uncertain. He sees Zooble light up. Gangle must’ve told them about that part. “You said something… and Caine did that thing where he…. Popped you out of existence… then the others started to speak up about it and he did the same to them… I was the only one left.”

“So even in your dreams you’re an [%$!#]hole good to know.” They speak with a slight smile in their tone.

“I don’t think it was a dream.” He says.

Zooble doesn’t say something.

“I think he brought you back?”

“….you think…?” They ask.

He does think “it felt real…” because it was real. It had to be real it had to be. There was moments in it. Caine would refuse to speak about the others, to acknowledge that there had been anyone else in the circus but him and Jax. And in those moments something’s Jax would think that maybe he was right, and he was just crazy. And here he is now! Not trusting in his own memories enough to know if that was real! Maybe he is crazy.

But he still can’t abstract…

Caines behind that. He knows he is.

“I believe you.” Zooble says and he doesn’t know how it’s supposed to make him feel. “Even if it didn’t happen, it’s clearly having some sort of effect on you”

“Yeah.”

Only the sound of broom hitting the ground reminds.

“…”

“…”

“God this sucks.” Zooble suddenly says “this is so [%$!#]ed!!” They drop the broom on the ground harshly.

“You’re going to tell gangle?”

“Obviously.” They say.

What if Caine finds out.

“Could I tell her?”

Zooble pauses, then picked up the broom they had “why?”

“Caines not gonna like he” he says, voice no higher than a whisper.

“You think I’m going to [%$!#] it up?” Zooble says, Jax doesn’t respond “eh that’s kinda fair… but I’m coming with you.”

Jax nods.

(He’ll take the blame. They won’t disappear again. And he won’t be stuck here forever.)